I'm back to school. A new one, that is. I'm in Year 12, a.k.a. sixth form. I am doing the International Baccalaureate. I have been looking forward to this moment for a long time. And I'm finally here! =D And I am LOVING it! =D

And I'm tired... =( There is so much work involved. I do not have enough time to bum around and do whatever I want. I think I'm burned out. I haven't got a proper break after exams. I was asked to join the school for 3 weeks to get a taste of the environment there and to catch up with my new peers, so that I will be on track with the course the next semester. At least it is interesting. =)

If you notice, there is a Nokia mobile phone there. It's mine. I recently bought it after my mom gave me the thumbs' up. I love my new phone. =) I thought it was a better investment than the PDA.

The weekend is here, and I never feel so happy about it before! =P

P.S. I have yet to receive more notes and books! Those are just the tip of the iceberg. =S You should see my Maths textbook, it's 800+ pages thick! Enough to mistake it for a dictionary, or a Harry Potter novel. =O

[+] There's more!

The school prom was held a few days ago. I was there, hoping that I will have a slim chance to know Mona Lisa better and get to dance with her. Unfortunately, it wasn't the perfect scene I envisioned after reading all those romance novels, i.e. Nicholas Sparks's =). On the contrary, I would say it was a total disaster! =(

I scored when I found an empty seat next to her. The table was mostly unoccupied anyway. It started off well. So we made small chit-chats and all to build up the hype that was to follow soon. =P Obviously, I can't immediately throw an engagement and propose, right? Okay, I think that is a bit over-exaggerated! The time seems to drag along. The fact that I have a Maths test the next day did not help much either. I was constantly worrying about logarithms, binomial expansions and topics that I would have covered had I not dropped Additional Maths, or came to my new school at the start of the semester.

There was a scrumptious buffet after that. The food was pretty good, which I expected since well, we are dining in the 5-star hotel. I did not manage to gobble a lot of the food as I was kind of bloated. And I was really looking forward to a slow dance with her too. Unfortunately, as the hours wore on, the idea never really materialised. I was crushed when I missed out the few opportunities, and I realised too late that it will never happen. Yeah, I did ask her for a dance at one point. Too bad we are both bad dancers. We left the dancing floor not too long after. We tried again later, but this time, we're dancing with a group of friends. She didn't seem to want to dance with me anymore.

As time goes by, the whole prom thing was getting tiring, repetitive and boring. There isn't much to do besides eating and dancing. It was boring. Nothing spectacular happened there. I knew it. I shouldn't have purchased a ticket. Social events like this always bore me, and I have no idea why. Sure, I was happy to see my friends having the time of their lives. I enjoyed it too, but pretty soon, everything seemed pretty pointless. =S

On the other hand, another drama unfurls somewhere outside the beach. It was nearing 10, and I did not have much time left. School was a killjoy. I wished I could stay a bit later and spend some more time with her, since it's probably the last time I will see her. You know, I was planning in my head to tell her of my feelings before we never see each other again. To come in, and then walk out. That sounds incredibly unfair and selfish but I really don't know what else to do. I just need to tell her.

So, I spent quite some time trying to look for her by the beach (the hotel is by the seashore). I tried to call her and text her with my new mobile phone. She picked up the phone the first time, but surprisingly, she didn't answer my text messages or my calls. I looked around the hotel grounds in vain. I was exhausted but I kept on looking, the urge to tell her was pressing. I finally found her sitting at the bench with some of her guy friends and having a great time. I was confused and lost. I did not know what to feel. There was relief, there was anger, there was despair, there was sadness and there was jealousy. =(

I approached her, and she nonchalantly said, "There you are!". I was baffled and asked her why she didn't answer my calls. She told me that she could not hear it. I was surprised, because how could she hear the first time. Was she snubbing me? It was hard to tell. I could feel my chances of success had suddenly slimmed. I politely asked her to walk with me in front of those guys (whom I instinctively disliked, not because they were hanging out with her). Sheesh, those guys can seriously ruin intimate moments. -.-" I can't believe they HAD TO FOLLOW her around wherever she goes with me. Damn. I felt like a pathetic lover.

I kept making small talks which slowly escalated to that "something big". Tonight, I thought, I will confess my feelings for her. Time flew by incredibly fast, and my mom was about to fetch me soon. We walked around, ended in deadends, and had to retrace our steps, with those goons following behind us. And she seemed to enjoy their lame and pathetic jokes. Come on! Aren't you getting my hints? Are you really that dense? Doesn't walking together, alone, doesn't mean something to you?

I actually had to drag her away. I had to stride quickly, hoping she was keeping up with me and lose those guys. When they were far back behind, I told her my feelings. It came out wrong. I instead asked her, "Hey Mona Lisa. [pause] Do you, erm, [pause] like me?"

"As a friend?"

"Yeah..."

"Of course."

"Erm, [pause] as something more? More than just friends?" I finally stuttered.

"No, sorry."

I was crushed. That was not turning out well at all. I gave the impression that I was rude, inconsiderate, and desperate for love. That wasn't the impression I want to portray. It was so wrong! How much worse can it go?

I hung my face low. I was not only disappointed, I also felt like a failure and a loser. There goes another crush who doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Why do I fall into the vortex of romance so easily? =( After a year and a half of liking her and really falling hard for her, this was how I was rewarded? Okay, you may think I am out of my mind and being overly optimistic, but I was secretly hoping to share my first kiss with her. At the beach under the beautiful moonlight, while the waves softly caress the beach. Happening at my favourite spot and fulfilling a crazy desire. Just the two of us.

Not surprisingly, that never happened at all. Man, I would be slapped if I got fresh with her like that after telling me she has no feelings for me at all. Nada. Zilch. I would also be labeled as a number one jerk too.

She explained that she wanted to concentrate on her studies. Her studies! =O I mean, gosh, we're not studying now (at least, she's not studying now) and she's already talking about the future? To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure myself how to go on with the relationship had she admitted she liked me. I don't think I am able to commit myself fully to her. Despite reading romance, I don't know how to progress from that point of "confession".

I think our love, should it happen, will be ephemeral. Our feelings will have dissolved by the end of next year. Because I won't be seeing her again.

In the end, logic prevailed. My emotions were too numb to guide me. I accepted the fact that she did not like me that way. Maybe she knows it was not good for either of us. I don't know. I feel so confused reflecting back that night. I don't think I will visit that hotel for a long time. Bad memories are now associated with it.

I told her that she was a special girl, without really stating the reason why. I'm not too sure what made her so attractive. Maybe it was her beauty. Maybe it was her voice. Maybe it was her kindness and grace. Maybe it was her being understanding. And she told me someone actually complimented her that way too. I didn't want to ask anymore questions. And I start to wonder what chances have I already got. As far as I am concerned, I don't think any special relationship is meant to happen anymore.

After that night, however, I'm not so sure anymore.

Right after our walk, we both went back into our own worlds. Friends greeted us and all (thank goodness they did not make any comments) and we went back into our own worlds. I quickly got out of mine while waiting for her to wrap things up before she walked me back to the lobby of the hotel. You know, I can't believe she forgot that I was there so quickly in a short span of time. Shouldn't she excuse herself from them so that she can go up with me? Or am I just a selfish jerk who seeks attention from the girl he fancies?

I gave her a friendly hug at the lobby, thanking her for a great time. I then headed for my car. I was hoping that when I turned back, she will still be there looking forlornly at me and smile for the last time. My Hollywood scene did not happen. When I turned back, she was gone. My smile evaporated. Sighing, I greeted my mom and left the place.

You know, while we were talking, she was asking me whether we can still be friends. Just like all the other girls. I gave her a positive response. I had a nagging feeling that this will be our last time together. Friendship seemed impossible.

Just now, I went to her blog and found a few pictures of her with a few guys. One of them was my best friend. I couldn't bear to see their faces and her together. I suddenly realised that I was still not over her! I also realised that my feelings for her was in vain. She never considered me to be that special. She never even asked to take a picture with me.

I was simply an acquaintance, nothing more. I freaked.

I'm walking out of her life, never returning again. I think it is best for me, and for her. A relationship is not meant to happen, I guess.

I guess this shows how faithful I am. =( I'm really worried...

I'm sorry... =(

But, I appreciate your honesty. It really showed me where we stood in the relationship. I respect your feelings. I know too well that for any relationship to work, feelings and love have to be reciprocated. However, thank you. You have made life sweeter and more interesting for me. All the best in everything. Till we meet again, if ever...

[+] There's more!

Many of my friends are leaving. =( I will really miss them. It's so hard to let go and say goodbye...

Till we meet again...

[+] There's more!

I'm a curiosity at my new school. People have been coming up to me and asking personal questions about me. Who am I? What do I do?

Unfortunately, I have so much difficulty answering their questions. I habour many secrets, most of them which can ruin my life and make me look like a freak. Ever since coming to school, I am a mystery. Who is this strange new guy? What does he do? Why did he opt for the IB program?

However, one particular question has particularly struck me.

What are your hobbies? What are you good at? What do you always do when you get home?

I wish I could run away from those questions. I can't. Never in my life do so many people ask the same questions at the same time. My eyes flicked from one person to another. I portrayed a fearful image. I was hit by a sudden realisation that I don't know what my hobbies really are.

In my Friendster profile and essays, I mentioned that my hobbies are reading and surfing the Internet. However, I know very well those are not exactly true. Internet is more of an addiction than a hobby. Honestly, you don't want to know the sites I visit. Heck, I don't even remember what I surf everyday, besides Hotmail, Gmail, Friendster, Facebook and a few blogs. =( Reading is, at best, done in one stretch followed by a long hiatus from reading. It depends on my mood.

I sound like a hardcore nerd telling people I love reading. The inner me kicked my shins for telling a lie. It isn't a lie, but it isn't completely true either. It depends on the books I read. And I have a funny flaw. I don't remember what I read after a week, unless the book was really good. I don't normally re-read books either. So naturally, I can't go far telling people about a book other than "It's really good, you should read it.". I hope that by doing literature in English and Malay in IB, these will change.

So what else do I do?

Music
Sports
Language
Miscellaneous activities


A. Music

I can't tell them because I'm not proud of the other things I do in life. To put it simply, I suck at them. A persistent activity I kept mentioning in this blog is my musical skills. I wish I could say I was okay at it, but I know that it's far from okay. It's terrible! I'm not musically-inclined either. I don't really listen to music (although nowadays, I'm listening to a few favourite songs), nor talk about music. My life appears to be musically-void. I feel extremely embarrassed to "confess" that I play the piano. In the first few days, I kept my musical "abilities" a secret from peers and teachers.

I fear that I have to perform publicly, especially since I am now a "Grade 8" pianist. Just last lesson, I had wanted to ask my piano teacher, "Honestly, teacher. Am I bad at piano? Because face it, we both know I play terribly. What can I do? I don't think I can do this anymore" I'm not too sure how well I play "well-practiced" pieces. Throughout my entire piano career, all I can remember is my struggles in reading music sheets. My sight-reading skills are as bad as a Grade 3 musician. I can never read notes above ledger lines without counting up or down from a familiar note. I cannot read chords at all without wasting 10 seconds of my life. =S It's ironic that I'm doing Grade 8 musical theory.

My poor sight-reading skills are a big hindrance to my musical abilities. I cannot fully exploit pieces because of my illiteracy. And worse, I'm staying away from new music pieces tailored for Grade 8 students. I think I'm playing Grade 3 pieces at the moment. I don't know. I feel so ashamed of it. I have been learning the piano for a decade and look where I am standing. Still struggling to keep my skills in par with Grade 8 standard. Look at my friends. Just a few years of piano playing, and look where they are! They are performing confidently in public, and they are so happy that they can churn a well-played music in a short span of time.

I lack the dedication to music. Everytime before my piano lessons, I dread of playing my stagnant music and I always am so discouraged to play music. What I hear every time is my music stuttering. It's stupid, I tell you! =( I don't know what to do... I was told to play a variety of music to improve my sight-reading skills, but I kept holding back. I am afraid to make mistakes. I am afraid to hear of my atrocious playing. I am afraid to reading the daunting chords stacked up one upon another. I am afraid of SATB.

I had wanted to give up piano. Because I'm not progressing. I have hit the wall and I can't progress further. And I want to run away from these embarrassment, so that I no longer have to tell people "I play the piano, and I'm in Grade 8" and having to play a poorly-executed song, embarrassing not only them, but myself. And my piano teacher...

In my friend's Friendster profile, another friend was praising her musical abilities. She enjoyed performing for them. And this friend, who no longer goes piano classes, can still play the piano like a professional. And he's a beginner! I admit, I am jealous. Very jealous. And I'm upset. Very upset. Because I don't understand what went wrong with my musical journey.

I'm a disappointment in music. =( I think I'm no longer qualified to play in music.

And I have a crazy dream. Recently, I have been dreaming of playing the violin (or viola). I love the expressive tone of violin, so rich and so melodic. And it's portable too, so that you can hide it in the cupboard. I dream of being a violinist (or violist) in an orchestra, playing the entire The Four Season by Antonio Vivaldi. I dream of getting engrossed in those musical works and hearing the thunderous applauses after the end of this magnum opus.

I have been thinking of picking up the violin, so that I can resurrect the dead musical me, benefiting my piano as well. I know those are just wishful thinking because how can I be dedicated to such an instrument, let alone the piano? I don't want to invest more money into this instrument and not getting anywhere as well. *sigh*

There goes one creative activity for CAS. I doubt music will be a big contributor to my creative hours.


B. Sports

I don't do much sports. As you know, I do swim. Swimming is another activity which I do not mind declaring to people, but is one which I am quite embarrassed about. After taking unnecessary breaks from swimming lessons, I found out that I can longer swim 50 m properly. My front crawl is especially bad. My swimming posture invites plenty of water resistance and hindering my streamlining. So I always return feeling lethargic and wanting to sleep my day away. Swimming lessons are a big energy-drainer. I just don't understand how my strokes are all wrong. Sure, the basic strokes are correct, and I'm getting somewhere, but the physics is wrong. My Taekwondo instructor always told us that by doing sports with the proper and correct technique, one can never get fatigued because those techniques are benefiting our bodies the right way. So something is wrong. I suspected my strength is the limiting factor here.

For a guy, I'm muscleless and puny. I can never lift heavy objects because my biceps and triceps are under-developed. And then, there's those other muscles and all. I just need to work on my strength if I want to be serious about sports. The problem is, I don't know how. =( It's a hindrance to my swimming. Whenever I push the water, I have to expend so much energy until I don't even bother trying to push the water away and propel myself forward. In the end, I'm just executing the stroke for the sake of executing the stroke, not to swim forward faster and more efficiently.

The question of the day is do I do any sports? I was asked that frequently, and my answer is I swim. And that's it. I don't do much sports besides swimming. Basketball is definitely out of the question. Ugly events developed my hatred towards basketball. Never, ever again. And I feel so sad because I only swim, and I sound like a dork saying that I don't do much sports.

I have crazy dreams. I dream of being a professional long-distance runner. I can imagine the announcer enthusiastically saying, "Look at that kid! I have never seen a runner who can maintain his pace and stamina. And look, he's nearing the finishing line and yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have our champion here!" Applauses echo throughout the stadium, and I imagine myself standing at the finishing line staring at disbelief while thinking I did it, I did it! =) On the other hand, I dream of being a marathoner too, running the entire 42 km at a consistent pace together with others who dream to finish the marathon as I do...

But I know those are just wishful thinking because I don't run at all. Not everyday. When I ran the 1.5 km race the other day, I was kind of upset I didn't get the first place. Then again, it's no surprise as I don't even undergo running sessions everyday! I'm really proud of the fact that I still managed to beat many people and the fact that I didn't drop up halfway in the race, like many did. =)

I dream of running like the wind. To run so gracefully and so fluid that it doesn't look like running, but more like a form of beauty. To transform a sport into a form of art. People will stare at me because they are intrigued by the beauty of my run.

I'm crazy for having such extraordinary thoughts which will never happen! Hahaha! =D


C. Language

I take German lessons, as you know. I haven't been going to classes since August because I didn't really have the time to go through my German notes and review for it. Again, this is another proof of lack of dedication. However, interest is still sustained until today. I plan to spend my December holidays catching up on some German as well. In my new school, there is a German in my Maths class. A few days ago, he was reciting to his friends numbers in German.

"Eins, zwei, drei, fier, fuenf..."

I was so tempted to continue it. "Sechs, sieben, acht, neun, zehn, elf, zwoelf, dreizehn, fierzehn, fuenfzehn, sechzehn, siebzehn, achtzehn, neunzehn, zwanzig..." And then telling everyone I am doing German ab initio in my spare time, and communicating with this German dude purely in German. It will be cool to have a "secret language"!

I cannot do that. People will expect me to read German and speak German fluently. I know I'm not expected to do that, but knowing how people will react to language learners, they'll probably ask me anyway. I have to apologize with embarrassment and remind them I am still a learner.

I do some creative writing too. Hahaha, like in English classes?! And the NaNoWriMo I did last year (which has yet to be completed). And this blog too. I can't exactly tell people about this blog and thus, I can't announce that I'm a blogger. I have not blogged in my other site for many months already anyway!


D. Miscellaneous activities

Yes, I watch some television too. Mostly cartoons and some comedy. It's such a childish pastime, but well, I tend to avoid watching drama series. Past experience told me that I'm easily addicted to shows like that! =O

Nowadays, I am still familiarising myself with my new Ubuntu operating system. For one thing, I noticed my Windows XP is lagging really bad ever since installing Ubuntu. I can't think of the reasons behind it, other than Windows XP hating dual-booting with other operating systems. *shrugs*

People, I'm not a nerd. The definition of nerd does not define me. (Okay, after reading that, I think I'm a nerd! O.O) I'm not into the sciences (except Biology but I don't do extra reading during my spare time). But the information I did not disclose gave them such an impression.

I was skeptical about my brother's experience with culture clash in my new school. You know, after transferring to there myself, I am beginning to think he was serious. The people here are so different. More gregarious, more outgoing, more open and more accepting... It's not that it's not good; on the contrary! It is just that after stepping out of a majority-Asian school into a mini-America school, I noticed a stark contrast between these two worlds, and I feel so different. Honestly, I am integrating pretty well into my new school, but I feel that when they begin to approach me and ask me questions about myself, I falter. I suddenly couldn't understand myself. No, not the secrets I blogged here. But more like my very first layer. My basic personality. I feel so lost. I started questioning myself and trying to find my footing.

Never in my life have I felt so lost. When I first came in my former school, people don't ask those questions. They just got to know me gradually, I guess.

I'm so confused. And I'm so bothered by those basic questions which almost everyone can answer them without hesitation.

Who am I? Why do I care so much about what people think of me?

Help... =(

[+] There's more!

It's over! =D

I am still in shock. I have been looking forward to this day for a long time, and now that it is here, I am stunned to face reality. O Levels are over and I am hereby released as a free man. I am no longer imprisoned by dark, bleary days of poring over my notes. I am set free and there is no stopping me! =D

I'm so happy and relieved, I don't think anything can ruin my mood! =D I'm super duper happy! Yes! Yes! *jumps in joy* Horray!

I HAVE GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL! =D

Rejoices! Liberation never felt so good, freedom never smelled sweeter; it is too good to be true. But it is, and I am loving every minute of it. Time, currently, is an illusion. ;)

SCREAMS!

Now, run along people. I need hedonism at the moment. Don't disturb me. =P Have a great weekend. Cheerios!

[+] There's more!

I haven't been blogging nowadays partly because I'm not in the mood to blog. I have no idea why... It just comes and goes. Another reason is because of the upcoming O Levels. Below is my exam schedule which I am willing to share since the exam is universal (it is an international exam and candidates are going to sit for it on the same day) and I thought it would be nice to let you guys keep track of my progress.

The aim of posting this online is to happily cross them everything off once each exam is done. Well, it's a form of stress-reliever! ;)

19 September - English 4
27 September - Malay 3

16 October - Biology 3
25 October - Physics 3, Computer Studies 1
30 October - Chemistry 3
31 October - D Maths 1

1 November - Malay 1, Malay 2
5 November - D Maths 2
7 November - English 1, English 2
8 November - Geography 2
13 November - Biology 1, Biology 2
14 November - Physics 1, Physics 2, Geography 1
15 November - Chemistry 1, Chemistry 2

15 November, 5 p.m. - Party(-ing)!


Addendum November 13, 12.01 p.m.:

I'm so glad the memory-intensive subjects are over! What do I mean by "memory-intensive"? It basically means learning up many different concepts which are interrelated to one another. It also means having to stay up until 2 a.m. learning everything when the probability of each coming out is 33.3333333%! The three which fits this criteria are Computer Studies, Geography and Biology. Now that they're over and done with, I can give my poor brain a rest, at least from memorising and remembering.

Never again! =O

I wish... I'm still taking two of those subjects next year. What's wrong with me? Booo! At least these exams are over and done with. Now I need to focus on Physics and Chemistry. Less memory work, but more of application. And I suck at it! =O But first, a rest! =)


Addendum November 14, 3.57 p.m.:

I have roughly 25 hours till freedom. Can't wait! =D Oh, I had chicken rice for lunch before Geography 1. It was good spending some time alone. After that, I took away iced mocha from a coffeehouse. I drank it in school while "studying" Geography. I loved it. =) *slurp*

[+] There's more!

If my younger brother wants to rot and waste his life, rot! I don't give a damn, and I don't think I will give you anymore damn. You don't know yourself and you aren't willing to even lift a finger to help yourself. Go ahead, rot in the corner. See if I care!

And are you so pathetic and weak that you have to make your elder brother make decisions for you?! And why does he have to care so much about you, influencing you, when he doesn't even know where the heck your interests lie. Oh? That's right, I forgot! YOU HAVE NONE! =O

Giving up swimming to have expensive personal training sessions in a gym is stupid. You're good at swimming, and you're going to let your abilities and talents go to waste. Since when did you like gym sessions? What the hell? You even have the cheek to let your brother defend your case for you. So of course, an argument ensued between he and my mother. I hate the fact that you two constantly piss her off! I hate the fact that you keep on intervening with his life. =O And wow, you think you're so great thinking you could lift weights. HAH! Let's see how long this "interest" of yours will sustain before you quit again.

You're such a quitter. This isn't the first time. Quitters never win. You're in fact on the path to your own destruction. When you're there, don't expect anyone to help you up. You got to help yourself.

Reality is harsh, brother! So many people, despite "the odds", still succeed in life and make their dreams come true. What about you? Are you going to be such a wussy and give up whenever you face obstacles, and make things easy for yourself? Gracious! Grow up.

Oh wait, maybe growing up is too hard for you. Back to square one. Just stay in the corner and rot for all I care.

JUST WAKE UP, WILL YOU?

P.S. The blog post below is now rendered useless and irrelevant.

[+] There's more!

Hey. I had a hard time trying to focus on my Biology when my two brothers abruptly announced a decision which they are going to discuss with my mom. My younger brother intends to go back to his former school (my school). When I heard that, I cringed in disbelief. For Pete's sake, he has only been studying in his new school (my future school!) for a few months, and it is his decision to study there. So why the sudden decision to change back? Was he unhappy? From what I can see, he seems content with everything there.

I thought it was a joke. Maybe he misses his friends. Yeah, that's probably it and anytime soon, he will go back and do his homework. But it was totally serious, and they actually discussed it with my mom. I was swearing inside me, a fire boiling inside me. =O How could he? Doesn't he know our mom tried hard to enrol him in his current school? And the school fees don't come cheap too - they cost my parents about a few thousand US dollars per semester. I was really disgusted. I even intended to slap him silly to wake him up from his daydream.

Hello, brother! Wake up? Are you being lazy? You don't enjoy staying in school until 3 p.m. and getting lots of homework? You missed the good old times when back in your former school, you go back at 1 p.m., you have little homework to do and you can spend most of the day playing those stupid games in your PC? What's wrong with you? I can't stand your lackadaisical attitude. Consider dropping school and go get a decent job.

He is such a spoilt brat! Heck, he asked for it. But he's not happy with his decision, so he wants to go to "the lesser of the two evils". I don't get it. I really wanted to barge in the discussion and tell him off but I held myself back. It isn't my business and I have more important matters to attend to, i.e. Biology.

I was so mad I had to force myself to meditate. It was kind of bad but I eventually got hold of myself. It wasn't until dinner when my mom told me about it.

Apparently, she was the one who enrolled him into that school. It wasn't really his decision. She thought the education there will suit my brother since he will be given more attention from the teachers. My mom told me my brother is "slow" in class, so she thought the school's environment would benefit him. When my mother asked him again, my brother actually disagreed her decision but nonetheless, she still enrolled him.

"So what was the reason of him disliking the school?" I asked my mom. I had a look through his school books (they were interesting, insightful and pretty engaging), so the syllabus wasn't the problem. I doubt the teachers were of a problem either since he never complained to me about them, nor the school.

It was the Caucasians. (No offense to anyone)

Or from what I gathered, it probably was culture shock.

According to my mom, the Caucasians in his school just act different. More confident, more flamboyant and definitely more outgoing. My brother isn't used to such people. He's scared. But as much as I want to understand, I can't. Because I do know his fellow classmates are far worse than that. They are unruly, mischievous and ... let's just say they don't provide a conducive environment to study.

Not only that, I also cannot empathise culture shock because I haven't experienced it much. Usually when I go overseas, I assimilate myself quickly with the people. So much so after my frequent visits to Australia, a close friend pointed out that I love to say "Yeahh..." in my Australian drawl (it doesn't! What's so Australian about that anyway? =P). She thought I was emigrating to Australia soon! =O =P

Honestly, at first, I was against my brother moving school because I feel it was completely unnecessary and redundant. Oddly enough, I am against my brother moving back to his former school again for the same reasons.

My mom even said that my brother was actually crying to go back. I tried telling myself it was all crocodile tears, but I can't believe myself either because my brother doesn't cry. So it's really strange. After hearing all that, I was feeling really confused. My initial hatred towards his "stupid decision" was quickly replaced by guilt. I misunderstood the situation. What have I done? If I were to act on my anger, boy, things would get really ugly.

So I decided on the best course to take to clear up any misunderstanding. I went to talk to him. I tried talking to him about it, but he remained quiet and focused on his homework instead. This really annoyed me. I was aware that I sounded quite frustrated and annoyed with him. I guess that really put him off. But I really can't help myself. That was bad.

He requested me to ask my elder brother instead. I insisted that I want to know from the horse's mouth. I persisted until he told me coldly, "I don't need your help."

That was it. I flared up. He did not need my help?! He resorted to my elder brother for advice instead? I was hurt, I was jealous and I was really angry. He really had no right to tell me that. Strangely, my emotions were quickly numbed. I couldn't feel anything after that. I left the room. I understood.

He is now a teenager. A reserved one who tells things to people whenever he is ready. Like me.

I keep forgetting about it. And melancholy strikes me.

I can't stand the fact that my little brother has grown up to be a teen - the crucial period when he defines himself... I then realise I'm not the only one in his life anymore. He had others, and because of that, I'm upset and jealous. I was always looked as the "big brother" whenever my elder brother isn't back home. I started to long for the time when he would run to me for help. =(

I'm not used to it. And I hate myself for not understanding and respecting him. To be honest, I still sometimes treat him like a dirtbag. I thought he was a child. He no longer is. He is more aware now.

What was worse is that I feel so bad for jumping to conclusions and wanting to slap him. Slap him! What right have I got to do that?! =( Then I understood. He is confused. He needed time to ponder about his decision, and I'm willing to give it to him. I won't ask him anymore until he is willing to share.

So this is what being reserved means. Keeping things to yourself and only sharing with those whom you trust. It sometimes hurts, especially to people who care about you and wanting to know more about you, but you're not willing to disclose your feelings and thoughts. It's not wrong. It's just that... oh, I don't know. Some may misinterpret it as closure and selfishness. But I don't think it's that. I think this is part of a reserved person's nature.

Like me.

Or maybe I'm misinterpreting the entire situation and his characteristics. =S But I just hope that whatever it is, he will make a wise and smart decision. As his brother, I will try to support him fully if it is for the better.

[+] There's more!

Looking at this postcard in today's PostSecret blog post, I cannot help but wonder how much my own life will change if I will have a child, whether he/she be my own flesh and blood or be adopted. Will I ever be a good father?

[+] There's more!

I met the IB Head yesterday, and after listening to his thorough explanation about it, I was in awe of the diploma programme and I am really enthusiastic about it. I'll be a late entry since their semester has already begun (the school year begins on August; it is an international British school) but judging from my "impressive grades" (so they say), they will say I have little problems catching up and integrating myself into my classes quickly.

I shook my head in amazement. "Wow!" and "Like, seriously?!" is all I can say! =)

I do have reasons for liking the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme (colloquially known as IB) because of its breadth. 6 subjects are read - 2 languages (I love!), 1 Science, 1 Humanities, 1 Maths (bummer) and 1 elective. It provides a balanced education which is good for people like me who are still undecided about their career tracks. Currently, I'm thinking of majoring in the field of Biology but I'm still unsure and I want to keep my options open.

Besides that, there's the Extended Essay on which you can write extensively (4000 words) about absolutely anything relevant to a subject! And then, there's the philosophical Theory of Knowledge (cool!) and CAS which is basically doing compulsory co-curricular activities about anything!

Those elements combined in the IB makes it really exciting and worthwhile to pursue as a pre-university course. I have read online that it's a great preparation for university as it teaches you time-management skills and lets one get used to the workload which is ridiculously a lot. I sorely need to polish up those skills and I would find it immensely helpful if I can struggle earlier so that I may get used to it. =)

I don't think the local sixth form schools really prepare me that rigorously. You'll only specialise in 3 subjects and that's it. Well, I don't know. I haven't done much research on A Levels yet and I don't think I will since there isn't much information online on what the local schools offer. Sure, it's free (I think) for locals like me and I thought it would be worthwhile to take that up. Then again, I was sold by IB. So I guess I'll be sticking to it. I hope it is one of the good decisions I've made in life. I have a week to think about it before I finalise my decision. If you do have more information about the IB or even A Levels, please don't hesitate to comment. ;) I love to hear your inputs.

Speaking of IB, I do have a slight dilemma about my subject choices! =O I'm still juggling with my languages! =O But before that, below is the list of my current choices:
HL English A1
HL Biology
HL Geography
SL Mandarin B
SL Maths
SL Chemistry

N.B. SL means Standard Level while HL means Higher Level. One has to take 3 HL subjects and 3 SL subjects.

I was advised to drop down to SL English as I had not done literature works before. SL English maintains the same calibre as HL English with the exception of the number of books and the strict marking of HL English. Seeing that, I think it will be wiser for me to offer SL English instead as it would be easier for me to obtain a higher aggregate. I think at least 10 books are involved in SL! *gasp* How am I suppose to remember them all?!

On the other hand, I have difficulty choosing Malay, Mandarin, French and Spanish.

1. It's easy for me to score in Malay because I was told that the Malay in IB is simpler than the Malay I am currently doing now in O Levels (yes, the papers I sat were a major killer)! I was really surprised to hear that, but that's good news for me. I'm not so bad in Malay. They told me with my scores, I can easily score a 7 (the highest marks in an IB subject) in it. The thing is, I'm not that into it. It can be really boring at times. =( I don't think my interest in it can be sustained further after my last exam. However, I do not want to lose my grip on Malay either...


2. Ah, Mandarin, my arch-nemesis! I abhored this subject since primary school. Seriously, how complex can a language be? The squiggles, the sheer number of characters you need to know before you can actually read, the "I forgot how to write this word and I'm doomed" scenarios, the way-too-colourful idioms, vocabulary mastery, character mastery... *shudder* It was too much, and I was glad to be transferred to an English-medium school after 6 years of Chinese education. =O It was refreshing to interact with Roman characters!
   
   However, now that I'm older and wiser, I'd love to give my mother tongue another chance. I'm quite embarrassed as a Chinese to be poorly literated in Chinese. I would love to once again reconnect with my Chinese heritage and roots. Because it's my identity and it forms an integral part of who I am. It doesn't matter if I know German, French, Spanish, Japanese, Icelandic etc. if I can't do well in my own mother tongue. If I take up Mandarin again, I'll be doing it out of honour and slight interest. Sure, my fears hold me back but what have I got to lose? I think a two-years refresher's course in Mandarin will do me good. Besides, I can do Mandarin B (I think it will be something like a upper primary school curriculum). To qualify for it, I need 4 to 5 years educational background in Chinese and I already have it.
   
   Relearning the vocabulary is another issue, though. Hehehe! =O *faints*



3. Ah, French and Spanish. Oh, beautiful Romance languages! I love the sounds and the words and how can you not adore the Roman characters? The thing is, I will have difficulty learning these ab initio. As I'm already 4 months behind course, I will have to spend my December holidays trying to suck up everything and get comfortable with the language. It's kind of impossible and it can be a major set-back. I was advised not to do these since they are detrimental to my grades. I could have gotten a 7 in, say, Malay, instead of a 5 in Spanish ab initio. I do however have some basic knowledge in Spanish after a failed attempt in trying to pick it up two years ago. I love European languages!

And I'm at loss at what to do! I was advised to do SL English A1 (first language) and HL Mandarin B instead to maximise my grade potential. After thinking thoroughly, I thought it would be better to do HL Chemistry instead of HL Mandarin (or whatever) since some biochemistry is involved in Biology in university courses. So yeah, maybe that could do.

Guys, what am I supposed to do? Pick up which language? =S My heart tells me to do Mandarin for some strange reasons, but I'm still not too sure. I'm still weighing my options at the moment and I need some opinions on this. =)


----------


Yesterday, I made a starking discovery which I should have known a long time ago. I do actually but I wasn't so aware of it and I eventually forgot about it. I stumbled on the best study method ever. It's called simply sitting on the desk and study!

That's right. It's so simple and I had done that a few years ago by writing my own notes with pen and paper. I then switched to typing out my notes on computer and yeah, it's pretty obvious that my concentration wavered with the 24 hours Internet connection. I always take the opportunity to surf the Internet as I type out notes. I'm surprised at my short-term attention span.

I tried studying on the desk after trying to study on a low sofa, on my bed, on a rotating office chair and on the computer. All failed, except studying at the desk. It was a pleasant experience and change to actually study seriously without distractions. I now realise that sitting by the desk and study is an old but still effective environment to study as it forces me to focus on the book in front of me. Posture is good too. My long legs can comfortably touch the floor. There was minimal backache and sores too.

I was really happy. I have successfully studied 6 chapters (small and digestible ones first) of Biology in just 2 hours. I was shocked but elated. I got to try again today, and tomorrow and throughout the whole week. Or maybe it only works on Biology, my favourite subject. =( I hope not! As you can see from my schedule, the last few exams are hardcore and imminently important because they can make or break my future. =| Or maybe that's just my attitude towards science subjects.

These past few days, I find myself listening to music I've downloaded to my computer. I'm an irregular music listener, but suddenly, I enjoy listening to them everyday especially songs I like and are music to my ears (no pun intended!). =) It's strange. I'm actually listening to some right now, and I'm now riding on a roller coaster of emotions. =S Lol!

[+] There's more!

Oh man, I'm nervous. =( I am going to meet the IB Head later to enquire him about the International Baccalaureate programme. You know all this while, I thought I had no doubts in continuing my education via A Levels, but after discovering the interesting IB programme, I have totally changed my mind. Well, sort of. The meeting later will be something like an enquiry session so that I can know about it.

Nevertheless, I still feel nervous. I'm not comfortable with people asking about my academic and overall performance. It's just so nerve-wrecking. Even though I do have good academic credentials, I sometimes feel that mweh, I don't really deserve it.

I just hope I won't mess up and stutter or whatever. I don't want to mess up my first interview. First impressions are really important... =S What am I saying? This isn't really an interview, it's an "enquiry session". Hopefully, I will come back with an enrolment form and think through about my decisions.

[+] There's more!

Oh my gosh, people! NEWSFLASH! *red alert*

She hinted on me!

Who?!

She! Mona Lisa!

Oh my god...

I feel like I'm on cloud nine. I can't believe even though my crush on her had faded away over time, she suddenly rekindled it with a spark. It was so effective, I'm falling for her again.

Or maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. It must be my imagination and misinterpretation. You guys be the judge when I tell you what happened, okay? =)

I have contemplated over the past few weeks on whether to purchase a ticket for prom night. I weighed the pros and the cons, and I decided on going. It's only US$24 , and sometimes eating out cost more than that, so why not? There's food, there's the dance floor and then there's her. Okay, quit it, that frolicsome kid! =) Anyway, I thought I could stay overnight in that beautiful 5 star hotel resort. I have been so looking forward to doing that. I totally do not deserve indulging myself in luxury, but temptation beckons. What the heck, I'll gladly oblige! =P More on that later.

So yes, I phoned my best friend early this morning and I got the ticket from him. I've told a few people about it, but not Mona Lisa. Some time later, she casually made a mention about prom. She was disappointed that I'm not going (she said it twice already, two days in a row! =O). When I told her I'm going, she laughed and celebrated. Then, she was bantering about me calling her last night and asking her to be my partner for the prom. I was like, "No, I didn't call you!". We both knew she was kidding.

I felt so embarrassed and so happy I think my cheeks were burning with fire and was lighting up the entire state. Not that anyone could see since it was daytime! =P I don't know whether I blushed or not, but I was acting really giddy and funny all inside. She kept saying that for a while though. I was like "Aww, shucks! No, I don't do that!" Even two of our friends coaxed me to go as her partner. I didn't know how serious they were and I don't want to find out.

Is she flirting with me? We're both single, lonely and we're going alone. It's only perfect if we go together. HEE HEE HEE! =D *chuckles*

I excused myself and ran to tell Warrior Princess all about it. She was ecstatic to hear it too! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! =D This cannot get any better.

After that, nothing spectacular happened. Well, I did pay a lot more attention to her today (or maybe because I wasn't doing any revision for English?). Not a lot as in constantly harassing her, but more than the usual (which is ignorance, haha! =P).

I think she rekindled my crush for her. And what more, she's reciprocating the "flirts" I gave her quite some time ago.

I'm starting to think this is becoming serious. My heart is doing somersaults, and I want to do the same. Except that I can't, or else I'll injure myself and then I can't even go to the prom.

Spring is so over, yet love is in the air. Hmm... I think I shouldn't think that far ahead. I'll see what happens on the real day itself. Let it be Judgement Day.

Man, this girl drives me crazy all of a sudden. I'm smiling a lot now and I like it. =) Total hotness, man!

Should I ask her out?

What a wrong time to ask such questions and what a wrong time it is to get swept off my feet! =D I think I can soar so high, I can touch the exosphere. I am like what the local Malays say, "dilamun oleh cinta".

...

Exosphere? Better get back to Geography! =O

P.S. I bet Warrior Princess is tsk-tsking right now. Hehe!

P.P.S. Yes, this thought currently supersedes all other thoughts at the moment. Well, let's hope the upcoming exams won't be affected too.

[+] There's more!

1. Chemistry practicals were alright, except for the fact that I deduced the cation in the qualitative analysis section wrongly. And I'm feeling sad about it because I missed out the gas test on ammonia when the result of the test was printed in the paper in front of my very eyes. And I feel upset by it. =(


2. I will make sure I'll study the variations topic thoroughly in Maths 2. I've lost a good sum of marks from questions involving variables. And I'm sad because I am capable of answering correct if only I studied more thoroughly and actually move my lazy bum away from the computer! =(


3. Oh, the Malay papers were absolutely disastrous. My active vocabulary was pretty limited but I was glad to read a Malay novel the day before. I managed to make use of some nifty words I came across. =) I'm afraid my essay went out of topic. =( Paper 2 was alright. However, I disliked the papers this year. It isn't because it was hard, but it was pretty dry and boring. I could not appreciate the literary works of the papers.

So I'm in the middle of a break, and the next paper wouldn't be until the upcoming Monday. 2 subjects completely down, 6 more to go...

Surprisingly, interesting things can actually happen in the midst of exams! =D Yesterday, after reading Tina Su's blog post on meditation, I have decided to give it a try. So I chose a spot on the carpet, sat cross-legged, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I tried to mimic my mom (she meditates during her morning prayers). It went alright until out of the blue, I bursted out laughing. And I laughed really hard! -.-" I have no idea what happened to me and it spoiled everything! =D Nevertheless, I tried again and made sure I fully concentrated on my breathing. Most of the time, I was conscious of my breathing but there were sporadic moments when thoughts hovered for a while.

It was five minutes later when I reopened my eyes, and I felt strangely calm. I wasn't even sure where I was or who I was. It was that refreshing! =O I sat that dumbfounded for a while enjoying the blank sensation (hahaha!) before I got up and went back to work full of vitality.

Well, the positive attitude didn't last long but it was better than nothing. =) I sort of forgot to meditate today, but I'll try to do it tomorrow. I think this will be my new therapy to silence my thoughts. We shall see how it goes. =)

When I got to school later, my friend approached and told me he liked his birthday present. I was so happy because he was the third person to say that, and the two others liked their presents too. I went to cloud nine when he commented that I have the "knack" of knowing the inner desires of people. I was grinning widely and I wished he could say that again and again. He did a few times. Hahaha! I was really happy to hear that. =) By the way, he is the second person to praise my "ability". I'm overjoyed to hear people saying how much they liked their gifts. =)

Later that night, I decided to read a post-apocalypse novel called The Road. It was pretty dull at first to read the similar descriptions. When it came to the middle, I was really shocked at what people will desperately do to survive. I was freaked out when the author introduced cannibalism to the story. There were only a handful of survivors, and a few decided to eat other survivors to survive. I shivered in horror and frowned in disgust. It was immoral and unethical but it's all done in the name of survival. I don't know... =S

The ending wasn't that good. I should have expected that anyway. What could get better after the end of the world? =O I do not enjoy reading stories with a depressing ending. Despite that, it was a pretty good book. Shocking and dreadful, but good nonetheless. I'm still kind of freaked out by the horrid scenes the author had painted.

I slept at 2 a.m. last night as I actually read the entire book in one sitting. It isn't worth reading books till late, especially books that are uneducational! =O I would forgive myself if I was reading Geography instead. I shrugged and went to bed exhausted, but somehow, a bit satisfied.

I had a nightmare this morning. It was a nightmare because a dark side of me was exposed. It had something to do with my neighbours. If you remembered, I stopped playing basketball with them a few months ago. In that dream, my neighbour's upset mother approached me and handed me a piece of paper.

"What is this?" I asked.

"I would like to press charges against you for stopping to entertain my boys. I thought you look like a good guy, so polite and friendly. As it turns out, you're not, you're putting up a show. Deep inside, you're insensitive, cold and heartless," she responded angrily in Chinese.

"WHAT?!"

I was in utter shock because she sued me and decided to take matters to court. Secondly, relationships make and break. I was so taken aback at the severity of emotional pains I had made. It was pretty clear I had somehow strained the ties but I had no idea it was that serious.

And when she said I was a great pretender, it was as if I were slapped in the face.

Insensitive, cold and heartless.

I have a confession to make. *sigh* Despite me being friendly and all, I can be really unsocial, reserved and dark when I'm not in a good mood. Or sometimes even when I'm in a better mood. I don't know why I do that... I tend to do that especially when I go out. There is this unexplained fear of meeting some people I know. It's as if I want to try and hide from them. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I'm being selfish for thinking that, "This is my turf." or "This is the only time I'm out. Go away; I want to be left alone.", especially when I'm alone.

I love to go outdoors myself. It's a time when I can connect with myself and enjoy and appreciate everything. I do not want to accidentally bump into people when I'm doing something no one expects me to, like picking up a romance novel in a bookstore, or browsing through the motivational/self-help section. I do not want acquaintances and friends to know my tastes or what goes on in my life. I just want to do whatever I feel like doing. That's all.

Or sometimes, I just dislike bumping into people I know for no particular reason. I try to hide myself and walk away. And when I dislike someone, I generally try to stay as far away from him as possible so that he will not see my expression. I'm a pretty expressive person, so you can immediately know what goes on inside my head whenever you see me.

I really think there is more to this hidden dark side of mine, but I am unable to completely reason with it. In a way, it's irrational. Am I hiding my vulnerabilities from people? I do tell a few close friends a great deal about myself because I feel safe telling it to them.

I am so confused.

In that dream, I crouched back and looked at her in horror. Her words were like a dagger piercing through my heart. It somehow made a strong impression on me. I withdrew and looked at her in fear. I whimpered. "No, no, no..." And I woke up, my heart beating.

Did my neighbour sue me because I stopped hanging out with him?

I tried to think back. I wasn't able to remember when I last saw him. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was a bad nightmare, albeit a short one. It was time to visit MV Doulos, the floating bookstore (with great bargains!). It is their last day berthing today, and they'll be leaving. I got myself ready and then went to the ship alone.

There were a lot of people on the ship. I was quite taken aback because I do not remember seeing this much people in local bookstores. And the selection of books on board were diverse. I was pleasantly surprised. It was like a mini-Borders bookstore, except it was near home. I grinned broadly and made my way inside. It was stuffy and humid as it was quite hot and the place wasn't air-conditioned. But it was okay because I was blinded by my love for the books on sale.

And were they really affordable! I managed to buy 12 books (books I won't really pick up normally) and they cost me only less than US$100.00. It was a steal! =D I couldn't believe my eyes. I even had to double check the prices to ensure that they don't exceed my small budget. I was happy, because normally, that many books will cost me US$150.00 or more if they were bought locally or in Australia or Singapore. They were really heavy. Oomph!

I missed the opportunity to talk with the crew and staff on board. They seem really friendly and nice. I was kind of timid, shy and scared at the same time. When I got in the car, I kicked myself for missing an incredible opportunity. Oh well! Anyway, I did meet a few interesting people on board. I met the girl who bullied me in kindergarten (I doubt she even remembers me), an ex-classmate and most importantly, a famous local photoblogger!

I was so amazed to see him in person taking macro-shots of merchandises on sale. And he did it in front of me. I was in awe of his photographing skills. I pretended to read the atlas while I stole glances at him. His shots were quick and spontaneous, and he had a pretty good-looking camera! =D I was very tempted to greet him and say, "Hey! I love your blog and your pictures! They are so cool. What an honour to meet you!"

I didn't because I was so scared I'll scare him silly. So I stood a few metres away and watched him, a professional, snapping pictures. I wandered over to another aisle to look at more books. I also do not want to arouse suspicion! =O I was walking when I saw him again taking another picture. I looked at a large-print (like, really large!) children's book while I tried seeing him in action. I laughed at the big text and the cute illustrations. After that, he was gone and I didn't see him anymore, so after some time, I paid for my purchases and went home. I was happy to know that my money was well-spent.

Some of the books I bought were a Sudoku puzzle book, (I wanted to see what the hype was all about), a study guide, a survival book (yes, I was that paranoid after reading the novel! =P Nah, I think it's a handy book) and the complete works of Shakespeare which was only US$11.00! I think being English enthusiast, I should get to know Shakespeare, but when I read a bit, I found the Shakespearean language very confusing! Regardless, what a steal it was! =D

Just now, an uninvited guest (with his wife) came over to my house. They were my ex-crush parents. I groaned. Oh no, what are they doing here so suddenly? I feel uncomfortable around house guests, but to have an uninvited guest show up... It was enough to make me anxious. I was kind of upset that they showed up all of a sudden. I don't know why, but I was so scared they are arranging my marriage with my ex-crush. (Ill! That was so over. =O ) Thank goodness they didn't stay long. I was wondering what their ulterior motive was. According to my dad, they just wanted to catch up. They never even called to let us know they are coming. Oh well!!! I guess this won't be their last visit since they have done that a couple of times already.

It's back to Geography again. Thanks for reading. =) See you guys soon!

[+] There's more!