14 March 2008

From:that frolicsome kid
To:Whom this may concern
Date:14 March 2008, 22:11
Subject: I might as well be a woman!  

My friend cheerily invited me to join her and some friends for salsa class. I was like, wow, seriously? I love to try out salsa and it is also a good opportunity to try out something new and get out of my comfort zone. I was looking forward to a phone call from my mom (she's overseas for now) so that I could tell her all about the exciting news. And guess what? The mom I love(d) dampened my spirits. More than dampened. She insulted me and put me down by asking very rudely, "Why on earth are you pursuing a woman's hobby?"

I felt like I was slapped in the face. I defended myself by saying it will only be for six weeks, plus a few of my guy friends are joining as well, so I won't be the only miserable guy over there. She asked whether that is a ballroom dance or not. I agreed, and I was clinging on the hope that maybe she will let me join, because last time, our family loved to listening to karaoke romantic music and watching the couple ballroom dancing.

And she picked on my weak point and attacked my femininity/masculinity. She believes my masculinity will be jeopardized if I were to learn salsa. She strongly believes that men who dances are gay, i.e. implying that I am gay, and my guy friends who are joining salsa, gays. I flared up! It isn't justifiable! I wanted to shout at her and knock on her head for being really stupid. I mean, in the 21st century, gender stereotypes are falling already. And she believes men into dancing are gay? Oh, GET A GRIP, MOM! Haven't you heard of hip hop dancing (which my little brother wants to do)? Or maybe dancing in rave parties? That's not gay at all. People are having fun, and that's the important thing.

Why don't you want me to at least try out salsa and have fun, mom? Why are you so insecure about my, erm, "manliness" when I am perfectly fine with myself? Sure, I know I'm different from most guys, and I may be a bit feminine, but I can't change myself. It's who I am, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. I just want to try it out and spend some time with friends, that is all! I have never done that before, and this is one of those opportunities which I can easily get. But thanks to you, it's now gone, and not only that, you've delivered a deadly blow to my self-esteem. Thanks so much!

What image of me you conjured in your mind, can you please destroy it? I'm sorry, I just cannot meet your "expectations" of me anymore! You cannot interfere with my life anymore. If I am not dependent on you financially, I will, and I so will, take life into my own hands and do whatever I want with it. That is what I am doing now, and the CAS element of IB is giving me THE perfect excuse to stretch myself and get out of my "bubble". I'm sick, and tired, of being the nerdy nerdy nerd! I want a life. I NEED A LIFE!

And I can't be bothered talking to you or my dad about anything else because you don't respect the activities which will define me. And you think by learning salsa, I turn gay. Sure, I'm glad you gave me the consent to stop piano classes. I'm happy for that. Nevertheless, you shouldn't control the activities I want to join and manipulate me like a puppet. Oh yes, you can join others but not salsa because it makes men like you gay, weak and pathetic. She even mentioned she is disgusted by men dancing like gays. Er, no! Not all dance like that. You should have been glad that I am not signing up for pole dancing! -.-"

First, you slashed out at me for joining cooking class because cooking is for girls. You could not bear the thought of me joining yoga class, because "for men, it is too soft a sport". You wanted to question me about taking care of Dane, my autistic child, but when you hear the word "autistic", you kept quiet because you thought I was contributing to society. I dare not mention taking care of toddlers as well, otherwise you'd think I am training for motherhood.

I wanted to learn cooking because I want to be self-sufficient when I am in university, and maybe save you some money! I want to learn yoga because yoga is as close as getting flexible as gymnastics, and my country does not have any public gymnastics class. I want to take care of children because my friends suggested me to, and I want to interact with young people and learn to connect with them.

I do these things to benefit myself and be a balanced person with a life, not to prepare myself for a sex change. Do you get that? DO YOU GET THAT?

No wonder I don't tell my parents things. I'm glad for that. It saves me a lot of embarrassment, and wear and tear. Go figure!

[+] There's more!

10 March 2008

From:that frolicsome kid
To:Whom this may concern
Date:10 March 2008, 22:36
Subject: Clear Head  

I feel like I'm the luckiest man alive. I told my crush about my problems with my piano right now, and well, we just shared our piano horror stories and she told me why she is still doing it for the IB. She listened to my problems (and lame whines) attentively and she advised me on how to approach my piano teacher and tell her that I simply can do piano, at least for the time being. I'm just too overwhelmed by the sheer difficulty of Grade 8.

From there, I confessed to her my other "hidden" talents and skills (I don't usually tell people these, because I don't want them to expect too much from me). She told me hers as well, as well as a secret of hers - she suffered from depression and bipolar disorder. I was really shocked to hear that, because I always known her as Miss Smiley. Just right then, I want to hug her and comfort her, for being strong in going through such a difficult period.

We had a heart-to-heart conversation which I never have with anyone at all, except Princess Warrior. =P Seriously, I opened a bit of my inner self to her, and she did the same as well. And I realised, this is what real, close friends do. Not ask about shallow things like "How are you?" and that's it, or selfishly keeping secrets to yourself.

In a rare time like this, I feel liberated.

[+] There's more!

8 March 2008

From:that frolicsome kid
To:Whom this may concern
Date:8 March 2008, 20:59
Subject: Piano Dilemma  

I'm going nowhere in Grade 8. My confidence in piano is non-existent. My self-esteem in music playing hits an all-time low. I can't even be bothered to practice anymore. I forgot most of my theory in music and thus, I doubt I can even pass Grade 8 Theory if I were to sit for it this November.

My piano teacher is so going to be torn into pieces if she were to know I want to give piano a break. She will be extremely disappointed and disgusted by my "rash decisions", and it will all be my fault.

The manuscripts of the exam pieces freak me out. Huge chords scare me. Sight-reading is extremely intimidating. There are too many black dots, too few rests and white space. I don't think I can handle Grade 8 anymore. I can't even satisfy the minimum requirements anymore.

I don't want to make music (as in instruments) a part of my life anymore. I want to lose that identity because it's no longer me. It feels like a foreign debris lodged into my soul. And the worse thing is I'm so "far" into music now, I am "not expected" to stop, and let everything go to waste.

I'm so sorry. =( I wished I could be better, but I'm not acting on my words. It just isn't my interest anymore. And I don't know how to put this forward to her, who has selflessly imparted to me musical skills for about a decade. I'm sorry, I really am. I don't want to hurt her feelings. And I don't know what to do now... I just can't go for piano lessons anymore.

[+] There's more!