13 November 2007

From:that frolicsome kid
To:Whom this may concern
Date:13 November 2007, 13:45
Subject: Despaired by Loss  

Hey. I had a hard time trying to focus on my Biology when my two brothers abruptly announced a decision which they are going to discuss with my mom. My younger brother intends to go back to his former school (my school). When I heard that, I cringed in disbelief. For Pete's sake, he has only been studying in his new school (my future school!) for a few months, and it is his decision to study there. So why the sudden decision to change back? Was he unhappy? From what I can see, he seems content with everything there.

I thought it was a joke. Maybe he misses his friends. Yeah, that's probably it and anytime soon, he will go back and do his homework. But it was totally serious, and they actually discussed it with my mom. I was swearing inside me, a fire boiling inside me. =O How could he? Doesn't he know our mom tried hard to enrol him in his current school? And the school fees don't come cheap too - they cost my parents about a few thousand US dollars per semester. I was really disgusted. I even intended to slap him silly to wake him up from his daydream.

Hello, brother! Wake up? Are you being lazy? You don't enjoy staying in school until 3 p.m. and getting lots of homework? You missed the good old times when back in your former school, you go back at 1 p.m., you have little homework to do and you can spend most of the day playing those stupid games in your PC? What's wrong with you? I can't stand your lackadaisical attitude. Consider dropping school and go get a decent job.

He is such a spoilt brat! Heck, he asked for it. But he's not happy with his decision, so he wants to go to "the lesser of the two evils". I don't get it. I really wanted to barge in the discussion and tell him off but I held myself back. It isn't my business and I have more important matters to attend to, i.e. Biology.

I was so mad I had to force myself to meditate. It was kind of bad but I eventually got hold of myself. It wasn't until dinner when my mom told me about it.

Apparently, she was the one who enrolled him into that school. It wasn't really his decision. She thought the education there will suit my brother since he will be given more attention from the teachers. My mom told me my brother is "slow" in class, so she thought the school's environment would benefit him. When my mother asked him again, my brother actually disagreed her decision but nonetheless, she still enrolled him.

"So what was the reason of him disliking the school?" I asked my mom. I had a look through his school books (they were interesting, insightful and pretty engaging), so the syllabus wasn't the problem. I doubt the teachers were of a problem either since he never complained to me about them, nor the school.

It was the Caucasians. (No offense to anyone)

Or from what I gathered, it probably was culture shock.

According to my mom, the Caucasians in his school just act different. More confident, more flamboyant and definitely more outgoing. My brother isn't used to such people. He's scared. But as much as I want to understand, I can't. Because I do know his fellow classmates are far worse than that. They are unruly, mischievous and ... let's just say they don't provide a conducive environment to study.

Not only that, I also cannot empathise culture shock because I haven't experienced it much. Usually when I go overseas, I assimilate myself quickly with the people. So much so after my frequent visits to Australia, a close friend pointed out that I love to say "Yeahh..." in my Australian drawl (it doesn't! What's so Australian about that anyway? =P). She thought I was emigrating to Australia soon! =O =P

Honestly, at first, I was against my brother moving school because I feel it was completely unnecessary and redundant. Oddly enough, I am against my brother moving back to his former school again for the same reasons.

My mom even said that my brother was actually crying to go back. I tried telling myself it was all crocodile tears, but I can't believe myself either because my brother doesn't cry. So it's really strange. After hearing all that, I was feeling really confused. My initial hatred towards his "stupid decision" was quickly replaced by guilt. I misunderstood the situation. What have I done? If I were to act on my anger, boy, things would get really ugly.

So I decided on the best course to take to clear up any misunderstanding. I went to talk to him. I tried talking to him about it, but he remained quiet and focused on his homework instead. This really annoyed me. I was aware that I sounded quite frustrated and annoyed with him. I guess that really put him off. But I really can't help myself. That was bad.

He requested me to ask my elder brother instead. I insisted that I want to know from the horse's mouth. I persisted until he told me coldly, "I don't need your help."

That was it. I flared up. He did not need my help?! He resorted to my elder brother for advice instead? I was hurt, I was jealous and I was really angry. He really had no right to tell me that. Strangely, my emotions were quickly numbed. I couldn't feel anything after that. I left the room. I understood.

He is now a teenager. A reserved one who tells things to people whenever he is ready. Like me.

I keep forgetting about it. And melancholy strikes me.

I can't stand the fact that my little brother has grown up to be a teen - the crucial period when he defines himself... I then realise I'm not the only one in his life anymore. He had others, and because of that, I'm upset and jealous. I was always looked as the "big brother" whenever my elder brother isn't back home. I started to long for the time when he would run to me for help. =(

I'm not used to it. And I hate myself for not understanding and respecting him. To be honest, I still sometimes treat him like a dirtbag. I thought he was a child. He no longer is. He is more aware now.

What was worse is that I feel so bad for jumping to conclusions and wanting to slap him. Slap him! What right have I got to do that?! =( Then I understood. He is confused. He needed time to ponder about his decision, and I'm willing to give it to him. I won't ask him anymore until he is willing to share.

So this is what being reserved means. Keeping things to yourself and only sharing with those whom you trust. It sometimes hurts, especially to people who care about you and wanting to know more about you, but you're not willing to disclose your feelings and thoughts. It's not wrong. It's just that... oh, I don't know. Some may misinterpret it as closure and selfishness. But I don't think it's that. I think this is part of a reserved person's nature.

Like me.

Or maybe I'm misinterpreting the entire situation and his characteristics. =S But I just hope that whatever it is, he will make a wise and smart decision. As his brother, I will try to support him fully if it is for the better.

Comments (14):

by warrior princess
Date:13/11/07 23:25  

hey. i got your messages on msn =) hope all is well now. and really, dont tell me the school he is in now is worse than the class he had in our school. really. you need to kick some sense into your brother. i thank God my sister's moving out of there. that class aint good. it aint good i tell ya! =)

Hey warrior princess, he decided to be in that school. IMHO, he had made a pretty hasty decision. I think my mom has sought a few teacher's assistance or something so if anything goes wrong, they can handle it. =)

Horrors, no! The school is definitely way better than that class. =O Hahaha, I guess it cannot be emphasized. =P So your sister will be doing PMR (the Malaysian Form 3 public exam) next year, right?

The area I'm from is nicknamed "Lily-white Rothesay". We're almost all Caucasian, so I completely understand what you mean by culture shock. I went to Baltimore and Washington DC a couple years ago, and we were considered a minority. Depending on your personality, stuff like that can be pretty intense.

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