|From:||that frolicsome kid|
|To:||Whom this may concern|
|Date:||30 November 2007, 18:20|
|Subject:||To Move On...|
The school prom was held a few days ago. I was there, hoping that I will have a slim chance to know Mona Lisa better and get to dance with her. Unfortunately, it wasn't the perfect scene I envisioned after reading all those romance novels, i.e. Nicholas Sparks's =). On the contrary, I would say it was a total disaster! =(
I scored when I found an empty seat next to her. The table was mostly unoccupied anyway. It started off well. So we made small chit-chats and all to build up the hype that was to follow soon. =P Obviously, I can't immediately throw an engagement and propose, right? Okay, I think that is a bit over-exaggerated! The time seems to drag along. The fact that I have a Maths test the next day did not help much either. I was constantly worrying about logarithms, binomial expansions and topics that I would have covered had I not dropped Additional Maths, or came to my new school at the start of the semester.
There was a scrumptious buffet after that. The food was pretty good, which I expected since well, we are dining in the 5-star hotel. I did not manage to gobble a lot of the food as I was kind of bloated. And I was really looking forward to a slow dance with her too. Unfortunately, as the hours wore on, the idea never really materialised. I was crushed when I missed out the few opportunities, and I realised too late that it will never happen. Yeah, I did ask her for a dance at one point. Too bad we are both bad dancers. We left the dancing floor not too long after. We tried again later, but this time, we're dancing with a group of friends. She didn't seem to want to dance with me anymore.
As time goes by, the whole prom thing was getting tiring, repetitive and boring. There isn't much to do besides eating and dancing. It was boring. Nothing spectacular happened there. I knew it. I shouldn't have purchased a ticket. Social events like this always bore me, and I have no idea why. Sure, I was happy to see my friends having the time of their lives. I enjoyed it too, but pretty soon, everything seemed pretty pointless. =S
On the other hand, another drama unfurls somewhere outside the beach. It was nearing 10, and I did not have much time left. School was a killjoy. I wished I could stay a bit later and spend some more time with her, since it's probably the last time I will see her. You know, I was planning in my head to tell her of my feelings before we never see each other again. To come in, and then walk out. That sounds incredibly unfair and selfish but I really don't know what else to do. I just need to tell her.
So, I spent quite some time trying to look for her by the beach (the hotel is by the seashore). I tried to call her and text her with my new mobile phone. She picked up the phone the first time, but surprisingly, she didn't answer my text messages or my calls. I looked around the hotel grounds in vain. I was exhausted but I kept on looking, the urge to tell her was pressing. I finally found her sitting at the bench with some of her guy friends and having a great time. I was confused and lost. I did not know what to feel. There was relief, there was anger, there was despair, there was sadness and there was jealousy. =(
I approached her, and she nonchalantly said, "There you are!". I was baffled and asked her why she didn't answer my calls. She told me that she could not hear it. I was surprised, because how could she hear the first time. Was she snubbing me? It was hard to tell. I could feel my chances of success had suddenly slimmed. I politely asked her to walk with me in front of those guys (whom I instinctively disliked, not because they were hanging out with her). Sheesh, those guys can seriously ruin intimate moments. -.-" I can't believe they HAD TO FOLLOW her around wherever she goes with me. Damn. I felt like a pathetic lover.
I kept making small talks which slowly escalated to that "something big". Tonight, I thought, I will confess my feelings for her. Time flew by incredibly fast, and my mom was about to fetch me soon. We walked around, ended in deadends, and had to retrace our steps, with those goons following behind us. And she seemed to enjoy their lame and pathetic jokes. Come on! Aren't you getting my hints? Are you really that dense? Doesn't walking together, alone, doesn't mean something to you?
I actually had to drag her away. I had to stride quickly, hoping she was keeping up with me and lose those guys. When they were far back behind, I told her my feelings. It came out wrong. I instead asked her, "Hey Mona Lisa. [pause] Do you, erm, [pause] like me?"
"As a friend?"
"Erm, [pause] as something more? More than just friends?" I finally stuttered.
I was crushed. That was not turning out well at all. I gave the impression that I was rude, inconsiderate, and desperate for love. That wasn't the impression I want to portray. It was so wrong! How much worse can it go?
I hung my face low. I was not only disappointed, I also felt like a failure and a loser. There goes another crush who doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Why do I fall into the vortex of romance so easily? =( After a year and a half of liking her and really falling hard for her, this was how I was rewarded? Okay, you may think I am out of my mind and being overly optimistic, but I was secretly hoping to share my first kiss with her. At the beach under the beautiful moonlight, while the waves softly caress the beach. Happening at my favourite spot and fulfilling a crazy desire. Just the two of us.
Not surprisingly, that never happened at all. Man, I would be slapped if I got fresh with her like that after telling me she has no feelings for me at all. Nada. Zilch. I would also be labeled as a number one jerk too.
She explained that she wanted to concentrate on her studies. Her studies! =O I mean, gosh, we're not studying now (at least, she's not studying now) and she's already talking about the future? To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure myself how to go on with the relationship had she admitted she liked me. I don't think I am able to commit myself fully to her. Despite reading romance, I don't know how to progress from that point of "confession".
I think our love, should it happen, will be ephemeral. Our feelings will have dissolved by the end of next year. Because I won't be seeing her again.
In the end, logic prevailed. My emotions were too numb to guide me. I accepted the fact that she did not like me that way. Maybe she knows it was not good for either of us. I don't know. I feel so confused reflecting back that night. I don't think I will visit that hotel for a long time. Bad memories are now associated with it.
I told her that she was a special girl, without really stating the reason why. I'm not too sure what made her so attractive. Maybe it was her beauty. Maybe it was her voice. Maybe it was her kindness and grace. Maybe it was her being understanding. And she told me someone actually complimented her that way too. I didn't want to ask anymore questions. And I start to wonder what chances have I already got. As far as I am concerned, I don't think any special relationship is meant to happen anymore.
After that night, however, I'm not so sure anymore.
Right after our walk, we both went back into our own worlds. Friends greeted us and all (thank goodness they did not make any comments) and we went back into our own worlds. I quickly got out of mine while waiting for her to wrap things up before she walked me back to the lobby of the hotel. You know, I can't believe she forgot that I was there so quickly in a short span of time. Shouldn't she excuse herself from them so that she can go up with me? Or am I just a selfish jerk who seeks attention from the girl he fancies?
I gave her a friendly hug at the lobby, thanking her for a great time. I then headed for my car. I was hoping that when I turned back, she will still be there looking forlornly at me and smile for the last time. My Hollywood scene did not happen. When I turned back, she was gone. My smile evaporated. Sighing, I greeted my mom and left the place.
You know, while we were talking, she was asking me whether we can still be friends. Just like all the other girls. I gave her a positive response. I had a nagging feeling that this will be our last time together. Friendship seemed impossible.
Just now, I went to her blog and found a few pictures of her with a few guys. One of them was my best friend. I couldn't bear to see their faces and her together. I suddenly realised that I was still not over her! I also realised that my feelings for her was in vain. She never considered me to be that special. She never even asked to take a picture with me.
I was simply an acquaintance, nothing more. I freaked.
I'm walking out of her life, never returning again. I think it is best for me, and for her. A relationship is not meant to happen, I guess.
I guess this shows how faithful I am. =( I'm really worried...
I'm sorry... =(
But, I appreciate your honesty. It really showed me where we stood in the relationship. I respect your feelings. I know too well that for any relationship to work, feelings and love have to be reciprocated. However, thank you. You have made life sweeter and more interesting for me. All the best in everything. Till we meet again, if ever...