12 March 2007


From:that frolicsome kid
To:Whom this may concern
Date:12 March 2007, 16:21
Subject: Where in Academia do I stand?  

Really frustrated with my laziness.I think it's time to shed some truth. I haven't been studying the last week, and the last. I took the break mainly because I wasn't in the mood the blog. As you can see, my blog posts weren't as exciting as last time's, as if life has been sucked out of me. I think that's kind of true. Ever since school has begun, I haven't been quite myself (except in school, where I can laugh out loud with friends). According to my brother, he said I'm two completely different persons during the school holidays and during school days. He said I'm more serious now than the last time when I visited him.

That's kind of true. I had to be serious as it's really a crucial year for me this year. Unfortunately, I have yet to be fully committed to my school work. All I have done this year is paying attention in most of my classes, go home and worry about how I should catch up on schoolwork. And instead of concentrating on my revision, I went instead to play on my PC! This recurs every single day, until the final days leading to my first tests.

Something went wrong. I didn't have the heart to study. My heart felt heavy everytime when I touched my textbooks that are 150 pages thick on average. The dreaded texts of nothing but knowledge that needs to be crammed into my brain which is reapplied later in exams.

I then begin to worry how I have to pick up my books to study. It's a must, no excuses. To shrug myself away from my problem, I went online and surf around the Internet. I don't even know what websites I have been surfing. Possibly my friends' blogs and unfortunately, none of you guys' blogs...and mine.

I haven't been blogging consistently and I am very aware of that fact. I took school as an excuse but it wasn't really school. All of a sudden, my heart isn't into blogging anymore (indirectly related to my worries that I should be studying). I just wanted to get away from the blogosphere as I'm quite exhausted from blogging and I encountered relentless blogger's (writer's) block. That explains why I haven't been commenting at or visited your sites. I just want to thank you guys so much for patiently waiting for my return. =)

Back to what I was saying. Lately, I begun to lurk around The Student Room forum where I can get to read first-hand experiences of senior students studying in sixth forms and universities in U.K. It was exciting to read their posts and I really look up to them as they are mostly pretty diligent students themselves. I kept imagining and telling myself that in a few years' time, I will be like them enjoying university life.

That is my dream, and dream is what I do. Act is what I don't.

I told myself, "Snap out of it! If you don't do anything to pull your socks up now, you're not going to end up in university. That's not the way to do it. Pick up your books and make them a reality!". So I did, and I groaned. It's simply too much. I was lazy and tired of studying. I just want to have eternal good things to befall on me, just like that. I know life isn't going to work out that way, sadly I just don't realise it.

I have this hobby of daydreaming about my future. It rather simple really: Do A-Levels and do my four or five subjects, move on to a British university and major in Biology and maybe minoring in Psychology or some other things (it keeps changing) and get a job. What job? I don't know...

Somehow, the idea of doing Psychology isn't very appealing to me anymore. Sure, I'd like to study it, but am I ready to be committed to its field for 30 odd years? Sounds like a long time to me. And thus, plans of my future is messed up. And I have to strive to think up of backup plans, bringing me back to The Student Room and other miscellaneous university and career websites.

I think I'm too young to think about all these things. I worry too much about my future and I have set my sights too far. I need to have short-term goals, like to get distinctions in my O Levels. Yet, I cannot help but be interested in what happens to me in 2 - 3 years time. I forgot that absolutely anything can happen. It's funny that these happens during periods of exams and tests.

Very, very ironic. =S

I smile at the perfect plan(s) I have created. I will be disappointed when all things go wrong.

Like now, when I'm supposed to be studying for my tests tomorrow. Yet, I am the least bothered to pick up my finger to revise thoroughly. Maybe later, I always tell myself, at 11 pm where I can rush through and cram all the required information into that petite brain of mine.

There I go again. Procrastinating, and taking things for granted.

Taking things for granted... Eerily, that phrase keeps popping out to me. In books I read, during Christian religious knowledge classes, my best friend... Someone up there is trying to tell me something. And I fail to heed to it.

I think it's my attitude which is the main problem here. Ignorance and taking things for granted is just "so me". =( Why am I waiting for someone to give me a kick in the rear and shake me profusely, yelling me to wake up and take a look at reality?

This is really weird.

I have yet to tell the Deputy Principal that I'm going to drop Sociology. Yes, I made up my mind, I'm dropping it, because I took things for granted, thinking that it's piss easy and I can do it. Apparently, I couldn't because I did not apply the effort to try. In short, I am just plain lazy and I procrastinated. Again.

And that is why I never dared to tell her. It was my mistake. I thank myself for being stupid in making such a haste decision. And that's not the only reason why...

This is going to be embarrassing. =( Another reason why I never approached is because of my friends! I don't want them to know anything about me taking an additional subject, and me dropping it again in the end. Indirectly, the taking of Sociology was the cause for me dropping Additional Maths. If my teacher finds out about this, she's not going to be happy and shake her head. I should have taken it as extra instead of Sociology which I can learn properly in A Levels.

I was too impatient to wait for two years and then to pick it up. Being the "smart" person I am, I took it up first, and because I couldn't bare to not take Geography (I love the subject, despite the sheer amount of things I need to remember =P), I dropped Additional Maths. No one knows the real reason why. It's just "inappropriate" for an academically sound student like me to drop such a subject which is considered stimulating enough for me. I sometimes regretted my own decisions in dropping Additional Maths. From what I heard from friends, the chapters following the very first chapter we learned last year was quite easy and "a walk in a park".

*sigh* I cannot believe choices like that can ricochet off many problems that comes with it. My choices of subjects were inadvertently affected by my main sole decision which is hasty, i.e. taking up of Sociology.

Subconsciously, I am quite troubled by that. Now, I need to inform of my decisions to the Deputy Principal as soon as possible before it's too late. I fear that she will inform my form teacher of my decision, and she will unintentionally announced it to the whole class, with my friends shooting me questions that I couldn't really answer.

If that happens, I will honestly be in deep shit and there wouldn't be any way of dropping it without dying of embarrassment. =S

One haste decision, so many consequences. Is that what life is all about?

Due to that very reason, I kept thinking about it subconsciously and I will retaliate in horror with the sheer mention of the words "Sociology", "extra subject", "9th subject", "Additional Maths" and even "GCE O Levels". You can see my face going pale and I suddenly acting nervous and trembling. It's that bad seeing that it sparked off phobias after phobias, worries after worries, fears after fears...

I honestly want to turn back time and undo what I have done. A part of me don't want that, because I don't want to go through the hassles I have been through last year. *frowns*

I need to do something about it, fast! Yet I'm held back by fear. I'm really scared...

On the other hand, I saw an advertisement in the local newspaper about the ASEAN scholarship to study in Singapore for A Levels. I'd love to get hold of it, unfortunately that scholarship will present problems if I do get hold of it.

  • Subjects I would love to take up for A Levels, i.e. Sociology and Psychology, aren't offered by the MOE, let alone the schools themselves.
  • I can't choose my school.
  • I'm not ready to leave home.
  • From what I heard, the students over there are fiercely competitive and scary when it comes to education. So is life there.
  • There's CCAs to attend to besides school and that will take up a lot of time.
  • 7 subjects to do instead of 4, with 3 compulsory ones which I do not fancy doing.
  • I won't get to choose the schools myself.
  • I don't think I can cope with it.

On the other hand, the education in Singapore is rigorous and high in quality, thus securing my future. Not only that, but the busy life I will have over there will present me the opportunity to practice time management and to eradicate my problems of procrastination. Also, I will gain more life experiences.

Again, decisions, decisions, decisions. It's either I get hold of the scholarship and study for free in Singapore, or I stay home and go to a local sixth form public school where I can get "free education" from the government (since I'm a local).

This time, I'm determined to not make any mistakes again. Once has been enough to making my life a misery. =( I got until April 2 to respond, and during this short period, I need to ponder about it.

For the time being, I need to forget about it and concentrate on tomorrow's subjects. They're way more crucial! =P

To end this, it's my attitude which is the problem. Now, I need to change it by hook or by crook for the better. To benefit me not only now, but for the rest of my life. Commitments. It's so hard to make. And it comes hand in hand with determination.

The only problem is how.

I feel so much better now after heaving this off my chest! I hope you guys don't find it too weird - I need to be honest with myself. Thank you guys for reading, and once again, I apologise for my absence from this part of the blogosphere. =)

Comments (14):

I'm at work right now, so can't stop, but I want to ask you one question - Have you got a careers advisor in school?

If you have, please go see him/ her. They deal with this kind of problems every day. You're not the first or last to panic about all this - it's a very difficult time, and you're putting too much pressure on yourself to be brilliant.

Slow down. Take a breath. Now, isn't it better to just open a book, and read just one page, than avoiding it because there's so much to do? So, set yourself little, achievable goals. And reward yourself when you've done them.

I'll be in touch later, when I won't be caught red-handed on the computer! :-)

Stay calm, FK!

First off, no need to apologize! I completely understand what it's like to need a break from something. I took a long break from Wish You Were Here, my old blog, and when I came back to it I decided to "start over". I changed the name because I needed something new, and now it's Echoes :) Sometimes you need to take that time, and maybe you see that you need a change, even if it's just a small one.

Stop fretting...NOW! This happens to everyone at one time or another, when they realize that things aren't going their way, and they stop completely and just panic. You have to calm down.

When my friends and teachers first thought I may be dealing with depression, I got some really wise advice: slow down in your work, talk to your teachers, and prioritize. Teachers are amazing people and totally understanding. Even if it means late assignments and missed work, talk to some of your teachers and explain to them the hard time you're having. They will understand! I can guarantee you that they have all been in a similar situation, and will help you the best they can. You just have to take that dreaded 'first step' and explain to them what you're going through.

Also, what I find helps is writing a to-do list of everything that needs to get done. It will look like a lot, and you will probably start stressing again, but start at the top of the list and do everything that absolutely must get done. As your list dwindles down, pick off the things that don't need to be done, don't do them (that's the fun part), then tear up the list into little pieces and treat yourself to something nice. I recommend chocolate or ice cream :)

*hugs*

Sorry for being so long winded, and welcome back!

Hello annelisa! There isn't really a "careers advisor" in school, but there is a Career Guidance Club (which I joined) and a school counselor. I'm not too comfortable telling her about my problems (it's embarrassing =(, not to mention I don't really like telling them to her).

Yeap, I think reading a page sounds much better than reading 15000 pages at once! (Sorry, can't resist exaggerating! =P) I feel better now as my tests are nearing the end. =)

Good luck with your NaNoWriMo quest, annelisa! And yep, I'll see you soon!

Hi katelyn! Ahh, so that's how the story goes. ;) I needed a break as well as I was too tired to do it, but I am feeling so much better now.

I have this odd tendency to panic and tense when things really go wrong. I'll go round in circles with my hyperactive brain cooking up of possibilities that could happen to me and thoughts and worries and this could go on for hours before I stay calm and cool to be able to collect my thoughts. =\

Prioritize: haven't done that yet. =(

I was planning to write up a to-do list after my tests are over so that I can start anew. I think a new start is what I need... I do keep a diary of school assignments to be done and as I do the assignments and tick them off, I felt good. Maybe the same thing would happen if I physically write down my goals, and tick them off when I'm done...

I love your recommendations of rewards. =) *salivates*

I think I was even more long-winded writing that horribly wrong entry. And thanks, it feels great to be back. =)

I think you should stop worrying about what has already happened. Start with organizing your next week. Plan for the week overall and then plan each day. Make goals to meet for each and every day. Write them down before you go to bed. Start fresh in the morning.

xoxo

To be totally honest I read you post with horror. I myself went in rather bad schools during my youth, so I ended up hating to study, even though I hadn't any difficulties with it in the reality. I just hated it. Not interested. The teachers were too serious and succeeded to destroy all my interest and enthusiasm totally. It was a pity really, since there are so much interesting things to study. but no, not for me.

So, I'm sorry no help from me :-)

Something completely else, which I don't know if I should mention to you after all you wrote, but here it is:

We're missing our DJ at the cyber cruise! We'll weigh anchor this evening from Stockholm port, pulling in the gangplank at midnight CET.

Thanks Maryam! I feel much better now since tests are over. *phew* Now I can concentrate on getting things sorted...hopefully...

Hi mrs. lifecruiser! I'm sorry to hear that my post rang up unpleasant memories of school. I can totally understand what you mean, since I had and have a couple of bad teachers.

Recently, my last year's Physics teacher quited, and another teacher is currently teaching us. Truth to be told, he's bad and he made me dislike Physics again. The previous teacher was so good and exuberant at delivering Physics, I couldn't believe I was actually enjoying the subject (even though I didn't do that good). It's a shame that he couldn't teach us anymore. Just when it's our last year there... =(

Oh my! I forgot about the cruise! It's starting?! Cool! Unfortunately it's bedtime now. =( I definitely swing into action as soon as I get back from school tomorrow. =)

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