4 February 2007

From:that frolicsome kid
To:Whom this may concern
Date:4 February 2007, 10:30
Subject: Birthday of a Best Friend  

Are we drifting apart?Why don't I feel happy about him, but instead a melancholy feeling lingers in my soul? I mean, it's his birthday today and I am happy that he has finally turned 16, the sweetest age of anyone's life.

I think it's because our relationship isn't so hot now and it isn't working out I guess, despite making up (phrase edited on 5/2, thanks katelyn and annelisa for pointing out!) and settling our rather fragile friendship way back at New Year's Day. It was a Sunday...

This is horrible, I shouldn't be feeling like this. But I honestly cannot help it as these past few days I have been haunted by thoughts about him and I have been questioning our friendship, where we stand now etc. before sleep. Something is wrong; there's no more spark between us unlike last time, three years ago.

Did I tell you guys about the outing I had with him last month? To tell you the truth, it was not exciting at all. It was incredibly dull, if it wasn't for the movie. We talked rather little, and even if we did talk, our topics were rather dry anyway since they were school-related talk and other simple chats and comments passing (I can't remember them). It was horrible, we both weren't opening up to each other. What is wrong? What went wrong? Was it me?

I hate to jump to conclusions but I think the downfall of our friendship was having nothing in common in all. I couldn't find anything in common between us anymore. We don't play the same games and we don't have the same interests. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel jealous at the fact that he has a big circle of friends (at least among the guys), united by a (stupid) game I call Warcraft and other games they play. I know I have made a rather harsh statement, but I can't help but have this feeling that the aforementioned is true. (By the way, I dislike or rather hate Warcraft. I am inexperienced (or in 1337, a n00b)

Guys, I honestly don't know what is coursing through me now. Despite being best friends for quite a number of years, I know very little about him. It's only his overt personality that I know of. Even so, I still know little about it compared to most of his friends. I don't know his hobby (besides gaming), I don't know his favourite colour and his favourite things, I don't know how he views life and how he thinks. I can't even tell from the way he say things whether he is sarcastic about it, serious about it, angry about it or is simply kidding about it. (Maybe it's due to his neutral intonation.)

Heck, I don't even know some of his secrets which most of his friends do. I tell him mine. I am very open to him, I tell him some of my secrets and I seek solace in him many a times. So why doesn't he tell me some of his, or at the very least share what's going on in his life besides the usual "Nothing much"? (I admit, I say that too many times.)

In other words, he is *heaves a heavy sigh* becoming a stranger in my life. I'm even closer to some of my good friends than him. There's another way of saying it, but I can't recall it at the moment.

This happened to me twice already, having a falling out with three of my previous best friends. One moved to another school and I haven't seen him since, another I abandoned for a "new" best friend and the other one was because he took advantage of my weaknesses and he bullied me.

Was it all because I have labeled them as my "best friend"? Am I cursed as to whenever I say it out, some unseen forces will try and split us apart? (It was an exaggeration. There's a high chance that it wasn't because of that.) Or have I befriended the wrong best friend?

Or is everything all because of me, that I'm too demanding and I take all this best friend relationship thing too seriously? Fine, I am a bit demanding and I do take these sort of friendships seriously. That's because I care for them and I also want to share moments of my life with them be it bitter or sweet. And I want intimate companionship(s), not having fake acquaintances and fans.

All I want is just someone to be nice to me, and to see and like me as who, not what, I am. Besides that, I also want a someone who can keep on a lookout for me, talk to me, give some attention to me (not everytime though, I need some space) and be his/her genuine self.

Are they too much to ask for? I think so... Maybe I should keep my...err..."expectations" lower, I guess...

We lack communication. We used to be pretty talkative when we see each other. Lately, we're not. It's all a matter of hi and bye.


I sometimes even fear meeting him. My heart beats up for no apparent reason when I see/near him. I don't know what I fear about. I can't explain it. It's just that, I feel extra strange when I am with him. This is weird considering since I act pretty normal with the rest of my friends and acquaintances.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have this paranoia?

I remember turning down on my friends' invitations to go on outings which my best friend is going. I disliked going out at that time (I didn't like staying out of my house). Maybe that was my mistake. One day (recently), I decided to give it a try and sad to say this, I didn't have fun. And last year, he invited me to his house for his birthday party. Again, sorry to say this, I didn't have fun. The only fun part I liked was the birthday cake part.

They were playing Warcraft and I felt left out. I was glad to leave them in peace... =(

This is not to say I do not remember all the happy moments we share together. Of course I do. I remember way back in Year 8 when he and I went off to the block of flats near our school before Taekwondo classes begin and we would whip out our Nintendo Game Boy Advances and begin our Pokemon battles. =) I know, it seems pretty childish at that time considering our age, but we had lots of fun fighting! It was awesome even though not many could understand how we can derive enjoyment from playing Pokemon. It was my obsession at that time. Thank goodness it's dying now! ;) But still, that was how we bonded.

I still remember vividly him telling me that he has a crush on the same person as I have. Remember Akazukin ChaCha? Yeah, that was the same person he had a crush on. And I was quite crushed, LOL! I still remember the place he told me that. We were making a turn towards another school behind us. The trees were rustling and I remember the sun shining its rays in its cheerful mood. The birds were singing in the trees with the beautiful music spoiled by zooming cars most of the time. It was a beautiful day.

I also remembered the many times we walked around the block where our school was sited and in our walks, we talked about nothing but ourselves. It was fun and enjoyable, even though I cannot remember what we have talked about. All I remember is the sun shining and they were beautiful days. Hahahaha, and we always came to Taekwondo class a few minutes late! *silly grin*

Those were the days...

And now?

I honestly do not know what caused our distance between us. I blame lack of communication and us splitting up into different classes last year. Then again, we were drifting apart already two years ago. Many times, I addressed the problem to him. Nothing has changed...

What's wrong? (I know I have said this over and over again)

Maybe it's high time that we end our special friendship, on our last year of high school. It's just not working out anymore. I don't mind remaining as friends with him though (I honestly do not want to make an enemy out of a best friend. It happened twice; I don't want it to happen again.). This is what I am really feeling now. It cannot be explained, most of my feelings cannot be put down into words but I know it instinctively.

Maybe it's just me not knowing how to be a good best friend. =(

Dear best friend, if you are still reading my blog and you happen to read this on your birthday, I'm awfully, dreadfully sorry! But these are the true, honest feelings I wanted to pour out quite some time already. Sorry to ruin your birthday =(. I hope you can understand (I know you always tell me you do understand, but do you really? I have my doubts, I hate to say that =( ).

However, please understand this: You are a nice guy (and you still are!) and you treated me so well during the pinnacle of our friendship. I thank you so much for all those times; unforgettable times of my life. Have a great sweet 16th birthday to you and take good care of yourself. Hope you have a great birthday today. =)

Comments (21):

"Making out"? Did you mean "Making up"?

Yeah, I was going to say that.. making out is what you do in a park/ in the back seat of a car/ at the movies etc etc with a girl!!

FK, I don't believe you're getting yourself in a tizzy over this. You can have virtually nothing at all in common with a very good friend, and still get on. YOu can have everything in common, and not get on. Sometimes friends drift in and out your life... sometimes closer, sometimes totally seperate lives with no contact... there is no one way a friendship should be!! And that doesn't make it a better or worse friendship either...

When you say you are closer to your other friends than him, doesn't that tell you something? You might have a 'best friend' for life (and that's really cool - that's what I have with my friend, Julia) or you might have any number of friends that all offer and give you something...

There was one thing you said that struck me... that

"All I want is just someone to be nice to me, and to see and like me as who, not what, I am. Besides that, I also want a someone who can keep on a lookout for me, talk to me, give some attention to me (not everytime though, I need some space) and be his/her genuine self"

That's not too much to ask, but it's a lot to demand... by which I mean that you seem to be reading a lot into everything... just take it as it is, for what it is. Try not to label it and expect more of someone than they're prepared to give. Like with moving too fast with girls, it scares the bejeezus out of people if you demand a lot... most people might feel that as a pressure, that they would have to live up to such high expectations.

Perhaps, when you say that you'd like people to accept who you are, you could try turning that round, and think about accepting people the way they are too... Without the high expectations of them. If the relationship develops over time, then you can look at it and say... yes, we got these things I think make a good friendship...

The other thing that struck me was

"I still know little about it compared to most of his friends"

First of all, here, I have to say, hey, who cares?!! You have your own relationship with him... You are you, they are them.... If you were them, he wouldn't be friends with you, but them...know what I mean? :-)
Seriously, though, why are you comparing what you have with him to what his other friends have with him? Your relationship is unique to you two. I don't know about you, but I have different friendships in different areas of my life, and each offers and asks for different things into the relationship... I would hate for all my friends to offer me exactly the same!

And lastly (because I think I'm labouring the point here :-))

"I don't know his hobby (besides gaming), I don't know his favourite colour and his favourite things, I don't know how he views life and how he thinks"

ASK HIM!!!! :-D

Hope you work this one out, FK. But really, take things as they come... how it developes is how it develops. Relationships change, but the change doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing... on the other hand, sometimes relationships don't give you back what you had out of it before. So? You either let it fade out, or do something about it, or just accept it as it is... It's up to you. It's your relationship.

Poor communication (among other things) caused a lot of confusion with my best friend. Don't break off a friendship or give up because there are things you don't know or aren't sure of! Keep trying!

Your expectations are certainly not too high, in my opinion. You just haven't been fortunate enough to know someone who could meet them. You will find someone, though.

Have you had a best friend who's a girl? I found it impossible, but I know that if you broaden your "range" so to speak, you might find someone you didn't expect. My best friend is/was a guy who is younger than me, but before we became friends, I never would have expected that.

I know you'll find what you're looking for in someone. Just don't give up, and don't think that it's always your fault when a relationship doesn't work out. You have every reason to expect a lot out of someone if they're your best friend!

And yes, Warcraft is stupid.

Oh my gosh! What a mistake I've made! =O Thanks guys for pointing it out! =)

Hey annelisa! I realised, after you have pointed it out to me, that I sometimes fail to comprehend that friendships cannot be "like this way" or "that way" as I have wished it could be. And yes, I sometimes find it difficult to accept some people as who they are (the irony!!!), and worse, I begin to form thoughts that are rather selfish or ... something like that. Which is very bad, I know.

Getting back to your point, I guess I expected a little bit too much from him. He doesn't deserve it. I have not gave much thought as to how pressured he may feel as a result of me secretly wanting these things to happen and me questioning about ourselves. I think labeling our relationship could be the problem. Maybe he wasn't ready or he doesn't like to commit all of his time and energy to me. Besides, he has a big social circle, and I don't have the right to snatch all of his social attention to me... =(

I have to be honest here. Sometimes, I find it hard to accept him as who he is. Okay, so he already accepted me as who I am, but if I don't do the same, I guess it still isn't going to work out in the end, seeing that I'm concentrating on his not so good points, thus not feeling comfortable about the whole deal.

Maybe I should abolish my expectations, just forget about them and carry on with our relationship. I don't think there is any point trying to think about what went wrong. I remember questioning him about our friendship the last time. After the conversation, it seemed like I was the one who was kind of unhappy about it, when he was totally fine about it! It's really odd when I think about it now. He must be wondering what on earth was going through my mind.

Regarding my quote: "I still know little about it compared to most of his friends." This may sound really silly (and maybe selfish), but I was kind of jealous when his guy friends crowd around him and are having intense conversations (and I was left out [or I left myself out], because I don't understand what they were talking about, lol!). So I immediately jumped to illogical conclusions, thinking that "Oh, why do they know so much about him?" which was sprouted from other initial assumptions. A bit childish, I know, but I honestly can't help it!

I have no idea why I'm comparing. Maybe it's jealousy, and maybe it's just in my nature. Again, this is silly but... *shrugs*

I never asked him, or anyone else, about their hobbies and interests. I just ... got along with him and them, thinking that those sort of information are "not important at the time being".

Annelisa, I feel that there isn't much I can do now, except to...well...just accept it and continue our friendship. I seriously don't want to bug him about this anymore. Like I said earlier, I think this whole issue is just me; it's not him. He's alright with me. *scratches head*

But thank you, Annelisa, for pointing out certain things to me. I totally need it to sort things out on my own for the time being and to ponder about this for a while. =) =) *hugs*

Hey katelyn! We haven't talked much nowadays and I thought it was due to poor communication as well. We haven't been talking for a while though as he's sometimes busy talking to the rest or busy doing some other things.

I won't break off this relationship because I honestly don't want to lose someone great like him. =) There are just a few things I need to sort out, that's all...

I think my expectations were a little bit too high; they weren't much but they are certainly difficult to fulfill.

I have MANY good friends who are girls (in fact, more than guys =S even though I don't admit to it).

He told me last time on MSN that it wasn't my fault for the friendship to be not as hot as last time. I feel that it is partially my fault too for not initiating conversations or talking to him whenever I have the chance to etc.

I shouldn't make the bold statement saying that Warcraft is stupid. I dislike it mainly because everyone seems to be INTO it, except for me because I just am very bad in strategy games and such online games, and also because it's addictive (I also blame it for causing part of our relationship downfall - again, jumping to conclusions). I can't handle the pressure of thinking on the spot and changing my strategy when deemed necessary!

He's a really good Warcraft player (at least that's what my friends who are also his friends told me) and he's very skilled in these sort of games.

Hey FK! (((hugs back))) - you're worrying too much. You know I said that perhaps you shouldn't expect too much? Well, I didn't mean by that that it wouldn't come.... only that if you expect it, then you're always comparing a person/ relationship to some ideal... and we're all only human, after all.

But, without realising it, I have developed some wonderful friends (and lost touch with others) without even realising it was happening. I used to think too much about it all as well at your age, analysing everything. It wasn't until I stopped analysing and just got on with it that things got better. It was when I stopped trying to work out all the underneath, hidden meanings and took each relationship as offered that I started to enjoy them more!

And don't put yourself down for doing that, either! There's nothing wrong with having certain expectations (eg that they will accept you and respect you)...and you can hope for other behaviours (that you share some common ground, that maybe you can enjoy being together... but these aren't specified in advance).

Have you heard the story about the butterfly... that if you hold it too tight you crush it, but if you release it, it is free to return... and if it returns, it is because it wants to be there...? Friendships, and indeed love, are like this... I think.

oh, and it might be..ehm.. prudent... if you don't shout out tooo loudly about how much Warcraft is rubbish (however much you think this) to people who love it... won't make you the most popular person around. Doesn't mean you can't say it, of course... :-)

Hahahaha, annelisa! =P I think comparing relationships is kind of weird to many people. ;)

I think that's the problem with me: analysing people to their very soul and I think it's only making things tough. Nowadays, I find that I'm much more open-minded and more acceptable and tolerant of people's imperfections, I begin to overlook them (except sometimes, I'm learning). After all, if someone is completely perfect, it would be very, very creepy! =P

I guess relationships are more or less the same as the butterfly story you mentioned as we make a choice.

Oh yeah, I'll definitely watch my mouth. My friends play Warcraft too, so I can understand that. Bring up the bad points in that game, and they will so insult the games I play, and me in general! =P =O

Yeah, not fair, eh? But then, you can raise yourself up a step by not doing the same.

Relationships - it truly becomes a friendship when you are no longer 'ignoring' a personality trait that bugs you, but accepting it and even liking it as part of the person... 'that's what makes you you' sort of thing

Well, that's what I think, anyhow! :-D (It's 1.15am now, so, really, I should head up to bed, with work tomorrow (in only a few hours!!))

Ah, yes! I do have a few friends who have a unique, yet annoying trait which I associate it with that person. When that person isn't being "himself/herself", I can immediately know something is wrong. =P

Oh, I forgot to mention I've grown to like them too. =)

:-) Then they have a good friend in you.

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