Why don't I feel happy about him, but instead a melancholy feeling lingers in my soul? I mean, it's his birthday today and I am happy that he has finally turned 16, the sweetest age of anyone's life.

I think it's because our relationship isn't so hot now and it isn't working out I guess, despite making up (phrase edited on 5/2, thanks katelyn and annelisa for pointing out!) and settling our rather fragile friendship way back at New Year's Day. It was a Sunday...

This is horrible, I shouldn't be feeling like this. But I honestly cannot help it as these past few days I have been haunted by thoughts about him and I have been questioning our friendship, where we stand now etc. before sleep. Something is wrong; there's no more spark between us unlike last time, three years ago.

Did I tell you guys about the outing I had with him last month? To tell you the truth, it was not exciting at all. It was incredibly dull, if it wasn't for the movie. We talked rather little, and even if we did talk, our topics were rather dry anyway since they were school-related talk and other simple chats and comments passing (I can't remember them). It was horrible, we both weren't opening up to each other. What is wrong? What went wrong? Was it me?

I hate to jump to conclusions but I think the downfall of our friendship was having nothing in common in all. I couldn't find anything in common between us anymore. We don't play the same games and we don't have the same interests. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel jealous at the fact that he has a big circle of friends (at least among the guys), united by a (stupid) game I call Warcraft and other games they play. I know I have made a rather harsh statement, but I can't help but have this feeling that the aforementioned is true. (By the way, I dislike or rather hate Warcraft. I am inexperienced (or in 1337, a n00b)

Guys, I honestly don't know what is coursing through me now. Despite being best friends for quite a number of years, I know very little about him. It's only his overt personality that I know of. Even so, I still know little about it compared to most of his friends. I don't know his hobby (besides gaming), I don't know his favourite colour and his favourite things, I don't know how he views life and how he thinks. I can't even tell from the way he say things whether he is sarcastic about it, serious about it, angry about it or is simply kidding about it. (Maybe it's due to his neutral intonation.)

Heck, I don't even know some of his secrets which most of his friends do. I tell him mine. I am very open to him, I tell him some of my secrets and I seek solace in him many a times. So why doesn't he tell me some of his, or at the very least share what's going on in his life besides the usual "Nothing much"? (I admit, I say that too many times.)

In other words, he is *heaves a heavy sigh* becoming a stranger in my life. I'm even closer to some of my good friends than him. There's another way of saying it, but I can't recall it at the moment.

This happened to me twice already, having a falling out with three of my previous best friends. One moved to another school and I haven't seen him since, another I abandoned for a "new" best friend and the other one was because he took advantage of my weaknesses and he bullied me.

Was it all because I have labeled them as my "best friend"? Am I cursed as to whenever I say it out, some unseen forces will try and split us apart? (It was an exaggeration. There's a high chance that it wasn't because of that.) Or have I befriended the wrong best friend?

Or is everything all because of me, that I'm too demanding and I take all this best friend relationship thing too seriously? Fine, I am a bit demanding and I do take these sort of friendships seriously. That's because I care for them and I also want to share moments of my life with them be it bitter or sweet. And I want intimate companionship(s), not having fake acquaintances and fans.

All I want is just someone to be nice to me, and to see and like me as who, not what, I am. Besides that, I also want a someone who can keep on a lookout for me, talk to me, give some attention to me (not everytime though, I need some space) and be his/her genuine self.

Are they too much to ask for? I think so... Maybe I should keep my...err..."expectations" lower, I guess...

We lack communication. We used to be pretty talkative when we see each other. Lately, we're not. It's all a matter of hi and bye.

*sigh*

I sometimes even fear meeting him. My heart beats up for no apparent reason when I see/near him. I don't know what I fear about. I can't explain it. It's just that, I feel extra strange when I am with him. This is weird considering since I act pretty normal with the rest of my friends and acquaintances.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have this paranoia?

I remember turning down on my friends' invitations to go on outings which my best friend is going. I disliked going out at that time (I didn't like staying out of my house). Maybe that was my mistake. One day (recently), I decided to give it a try and sad to say this, I didn't have fun. And last year, he invited me to his house for his birthday party. Again, sorry to say this, I didn't have fun. The only fun part I liked was the birthday cake part.

They were playing Warcraft and I felt left out. I was glad to leave them in peace... =(

This is not to say I do not remember all the happy moments we share together. Of course I do. I remember way back in Year 8 when he and I went off to the block of flats near our school before Taekwondo classes begin and we would whip out our Nintendo Game Boy Advances and begin our Pokemon battles. =) I know, it seems pretty childish at that time considering our age, but we had lots of fun fighting! It was awesome even though not many could understand how we can derive enjoyment from playing Pokemon. It was my obsession at that time. Thank goodness it's dying now! ;) But still, that was how we bonded.

I still remember vividly him telling me that he has a crush on the same person as I have. Remember Akazukin ChaCha? Yeah, that was the same person he had a crush on. And I was quite crushed, LOL! I still remember the place he told me that. We were making a turn towards another school behind us. The trees were rustling and I remember the sun shining its rays in its cheerful mood. The birds were singing in the trees with the beautiful music spoiled by zooming cars most of the time. It was a beautiful day.

I also remembered the many times we walked around the block where our school was sited and in our walks, we talked about nothing but ourselves. It was fun and enjoyable, even though I cannot remember what we have talked about. All I remember is the sun shining and they were beautiful days. Hahahaha, and we always came to Taekwondo class a few minutes late! *silly grin*

Those were the days...

And now?

I honestly do not know what caused our distance between us. I blame lack of communication and us splitting up into different classes last year. Then again, we were drifting apart already two years ago. Many times, I addressed the problem to him. Nothing has changed...

What's wrong? (I know I have said this over and over again)

Maybe it's high time that we end our special friendship, on our last year of high school. It's just not working out anymore. I don't mind remaining as friends with him though (I honestly do not want to make an enemy out of a best friend. It happened twice; I don't want it to happen again.). This is what I am really feeling now. It cannot be explained, most of my feelings cannot be put down into words but I know it instinctively.

Maybe it's just me not knowing how to be a good best friend. =(

Dear best friend, if you are still reading my blog and you happen to read this on your birthday, I'm awfully, dreadfully sorry! But these are the true, honest feelings I wanted to pour out quite some time already. Sorry to ruin your birthday =(. I hope you can understand (I know you always tell me you do understand, but do you really? I have my doubts, I hate to say that =( ).

However, please understand this: You are a nice guy (and you still are!) and you treated me so well during the pinnacle of our friendship. I thank you so much for all those times; unforgettable times of my life. Have a great sweet 16th birthday to you and take good care of yourself. Hope you have a great birthday today. =)