My friend cheerily invited me to join her and some friends for salsa class. I was like, wow, seriously? I love to try out salsa and it is also a good opportunity to try out something new and get out of my comfort zone. I was looking forward to a phone call from my mom (she's overseas for now) so that I could tell her all about the exciting news. And guess what? The mom I love(d) dampened my spirits. More than dampened. She insulted me and put me down by asking very rudely, "Why on earth are you pursuing a woman's hobby?"

I felt like I was slapped in the face. I defended myself by saying it will only be for six weeks, plus a few of my guy friends are joining as well, so I won't be the only miserable guy over there. She asked whether that is a ballroom dance or not. I agreed, and I was clinging on the hope that maybe she will let me join, because last time, our family loved to listening to karaoke romantic music and watching the couple ballroom dancing.

And she picked on my weak point and attacked my femininity/masculinity. She believes my masculinity will be jeopardized if I were to learn salsa. She strongly believes that men who dances are gay, i.e. implying that I am gay, and my guy friends who are joining salsa, gays. I flared up! It isn't justifiable! I wanted to shout at her and knock on her head for being really stupid. I mean, in the 21st century, gender stereotypes are falling already. And she believes men into dancing are gay? Oh, GET A GRIP, MOM! Haven't you heard of hip hop dancing (which my little brother wants to do)? Or maybe dancing in rave parties? That's not gay at all. People are having fun, and that's the important thing.

Why don't you want me to at least try out salsa and have fun, mom? Why are you so insecure about my, erm, "manliness" when I am perfectly fine with myself? Sure, I know I'm different from most guys, and I may be a bit feminine, but I can't change myself. It's who I am, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. I just want to try it out and spend some time with friends, that is all! I have never done that before, and this is one of those opportunities which I can easily get. But thanks to you, it's now gone, and not only that, you've delivered a deadly blow to my self-esteem. Thanks so much!

What image of me you conjured in your mind, can you please destroy it? I'm sorry, I just cannot meet your "expectations" of me anymore! You cannot interfere with my life anymore. If I am not dependent on you financially, I will, and I so will, take life into my own hands and do whatever I want with it. That is what I am doing now, and the CAS element of IB is giving me THE perfect excuse to stretch myself and get out of my "bubble". I'm sick, and tired, of being the nerdy nerdy nerd! I want a life. I NEED A LIFE!

And I can't be bothered talking to you or my dad about anything else because you don't respect the activities which will define me. And you think by learning salsa, I turn gay. Sure, I'm glad you gave me the consent to stop piano classes. I'm happy for that. Nevertheless, you shouldn't control the activities I want to join and manipulate me like a puppet. Oh yes, you can join others but not salsa because it makes men like you gay, weak and pathetic. She even mentioned she is disgusted by men dancing like gays. Er, no! Not all dance like that. You should have been glad that I am not signing up for pole dancing! -.-"

First, you slashed out at me for joining cooking class because cooking is for girls. You could not bear the thought of me joining yoga class, because "for men, it is too soft a sport". You wanted to question me about taking care of Dane, my autistic child, but when you hear the word "autistic", you kept quiet because you thought I was contributing to society. I dare not mention taking care of toddlers as well, otherwise you'd think I am training for motherhood.

I wanted to learn cooking because I want to be self-sufficient when I am in university, and maybe save you some money! I want to learn yoga because yoga is as close as getting flexible as gymnastics, and my country does not have any public gymnastics class. I want to take care of children because my friends suggested me to, and I want to interact with young people and learn to connect with them.

I do these things to benefit myself and be a balanced person with a life, not to prepare myself for a sex change. Do you get that? DO YOU GET THAT?

No wonder I don't tell my parents things. I'm glad for that. It saves me a lot of embarrassment, and wear and tear. Go figure!

[+] There's more!

My younger brother is bullied in his new school. My new school! And it is just the beginning of Term 2!

It did occur yesterday but it was rather "minor" and I thought it was a harmless prank. Today, it got worse. What happened was some bunch of immature babies decided to grab his bottle and put soap in it when they were in the toilet. How nasty can they get?! Why are they depriving of his source of water for the day in school. WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING OF?

And I was told by the maid that the other day, some people dropped a sharpener into his bottle of water. Then yesterday, he angrily told me that a "friend" of his emptied his water bottle, in front of it, and decided to fart into it.

HOW CAN PEOPLE BE SO RIDICULOUSLY CHILDISH?

No, it cannot be tolerated any longer. My brother is throwing a big tantrum here. Tomorrow first thing in the morning, I am going in to speak to the teacher or the principal and raise my concern. What I hate about my brother is that he is so afraid to speak out! =( And I worry for him because he is unwilling to take any action to stop this ludicrous nonsense! Why stay silent, and then throw tantrums at home when absolutely NOTHING can be done? What is he so afraid of? Revenge? Why must he be so afraid?

I don't understand... =( I fail at being the older brother. =(

I told my mom about this problem because I really don't know what to do. =( I am so hopeless when it comes to these things.

I am just so upset that such things could happen here in my new school. It is very unjust, especially since he transferred over a few months ago. It is just the beginning of Term 2. I dread to think what will happen if this goes on unnoticed.

My brother is a victim of bullying. This must not go on. He needs to be strong; he HAS to be strong. If our family isn't there for him when he goes elsewhere, how else is he going to survive in this harsh world we live in. The world so full of idiots who truly doesn't deserve living in such a beautiful place. Well, it once was a beautiful place.

Now, I think my brother fears going back to school because of bullying. He is now thinking of even transferring back to his old school. I think I know why he thought of that a few months back. I don't think running away from bullying is possible. They just keep happening, until and unless he speaks up and remains firm on the ground.

[+] There's more!

I was looking forward to a nice Pokemon battle online using my Nintendo DS. Yes, Pokemon Diamond has a Wi-fi feature which enables you to communicate with other international users to trade and battle Pokemon. So here is what happened. This battler, I believe, has cheated by using hacked Pokemon. This PM I sent to the moderator explains my situation.

Hey. I thought it best to let you know about this privately before making a big fuss out of it. I'm so afraid I'm blowing things out of proportion, and that I am a sore, sore loser.

The thing is I'm not. I enjoy battles, I really do! I know a good battle from a very very bad one, and this particular user made me feel inferior. I should have requested him to not use legendaries because I have an issue against them. I didn't, taking for granted that he wouldn't use any.

Well, guess what? He used Ho-Oh, Lugia, Groudon and that blasted Arceus. I don't mind a legendary or two, but I think they are too much. Arceus's not even in my Pokedex Prima Guide for Pete's sake. So I questioned his motives. And he gets defensive, cussing me. I kept quiet and proceeded the battle, even though I had wanted to run.

Suddenly, my router went bonkers. Communication error resulted. And guess what that loser said? I'm a sore loser! I can't believe he jumped to conclusions just like that. He bragged finishing the game in two days. He told me he got the legendaries in a trade. He did say during the chat that he rather use them than his normals because they are weak. I made no comment on that. He then became a sexist by questioning my sex, just because I do not turn on voice chat.

My god, I feel like screwing him. I bet he thinks I'm a wuss, gay etc.

I left the chat. I couldn't take it anymore. My rage boiled inside me, but I just... can't lash out. I feel sooo bad. And this experience has taken the fun out of future battles.

I don't know what to do. I just felt like talking to someone about this. Anyone. My friends won't understand my predicament because they don't play Pokemon.

I blocked the dodo too, in case you're wondering.

I do know it is just a game, and I am getting uptight over it. I think I'm overreacting. But I am seeking for a judgement here. Cheaters really do not deserve to win. They are selfish and mean people and make the lives of the people involved extremely miserable.

I don't like being taken advantage of. It happened while I was in Australia too. I can't believe I have stupidly fell for it. It marred my perfect vacation. =( I guess I will elaborate on that later. I'm too bitter to do anything right now.

2008 is coming up in a few hours time. I am flashbacking to the time when my best friend accidentally stumbled onto this secret blog. I cannot believe time has flew so fast. Where has it all gone? I feel sad because I personally feel I haven't achieved much in 2007. I just hope that next year will be a better year. It's a shame 2007 had to end terribly.

Wait. It didn't quite. I went out on an outing with two of my close friends this afternoon. We had a movie marathon. I think I Am Legend and Alvin and the Chipmunks is a good movie. Seriously, take my word for it! =) However, typical of many apocalypse stories, don't expect their endings to be happy. They aren't. However, for I Am Legend, I think the ending is pretty good for that genre. Alvin and the Chipmunks is really cute! Must watch. I love their songs! And it is so much better than the annoying High School Musical movies. Terrible! =O

Erm, all the best to everyone for 2008. May you all have a good health, good prosperity and good prospects. Take care! See you next year, in 2008.

[+] There's more!

Hey. I had a hard time trying to focus on my Biology when my two brothers abruptly announced a decision which they are going to discuss with my mom. My younger brother intends to go back to his former school (my school). When I heard that, I cringed in disbelief. For Pete's sake, he has only been studying in his new school (my future school!) for a few months, and it is his decision to study there. So why the sudden decision to change back? Was he unhappy? From what I can see, he seems content with everything there.

I thought it was a joke. Maybe he misses his friends. Yeah, that's probably it and anytime soon, he will go back and do his homework. But it was totally serious, and they actually discussed it with my mom. I was swearing inside me, a fire boiling inside me. =O How could he? Doesn't he know our mom tried hard to enrol him in his current school? And the school fees don't come cheap too - they cost my parents about a few thousand US dollars per semester. I was really disgusted. I even intended to slap him silly to wake him up from his daydream.

Hello, brother! Wake up? Are you being lazy? You don't enjoy staying in school until 3 p.m. and getting lots of homework? You missed the good old times when back in your former school, you go back at 1 p.m., you have little homework to do and you can spend most of the day playing those stupid games in your PC? What's wrong with you? I can't stand your lackadaisical attitude. Consider dropping school and go get a decent job.

He is such a spoilt brat! Heck, he asked for it. But he's not happy with his decision, so he wants to go to "the lesser of the two evils". I don't get it. I really wanted to barge in the discussion and tell him off but I held myself back. It isn't my business and I have more important matters to attend to, i.e. Biology.

I was so mad I had to force myself to meditate. It was kind of bad but I eventually got hold of myself. It wasn't until dinner when my mom told me about it.

Apparently, she was the one who enrolled him into that school. It wasn't really his decision. She thought the education there will suit my brother since he will be given more attention from the teachers. My mom told me my brother is "slow" in class, so she thought the school's environment would benefit him. When my mother asked him again, my brother actually disagreed her decision but nonetheless, she still enrolled him.

"So what was the reason of him disliking the school?" I asked my mom. I had a look through his school books (they were interesting, insightful and pretty engaging), so the syllabus wasn't the problem. I doubt the teachers were of a problem either since he never complained to me about them, nor the school.

It was the Caucasians. (No offense to anyone)

Or from what I gathered, it probably was culture shock.

According to my mom, the Caucasians in his school just act different. More confident, more flamboyant and definitely more outgoing. My brother isn't used to such people. He's scared. But as much as I want to understand, I can't. Because I do know his fellow classmates are far worse than that. They are unruly, mischievous and ... let's just say they don't provide a conducive environment to study.

Not only that, I also cannot empathise culture shock because I haven't experienced it much. Usually when I go overseas, I assimilate myself quickly with the people. So much so after my frequent visits to Australia, a close friend pointed out that I love to say "Yeahh..." in my Australian drawl (it doesn't! What's so Australian about that anyway? =P). She thought I was emigrating to Australia soon! =O =P

Honestly, at first, I was against my brother moving school because I feel it was completely unnecessary and redundant. Oddly enough, I am against my brother moving back to his former school again for the same reasons.

My mom even said that my brother was actually crying to go back. I tried telling myself it was all crocodile tears, but I can't believe myself either because my brother doesn't cry. So it's really strange. After hearing all that, I was feeling really confused. My initial hatred towards his "stupid decision" was quickly replaced by guilt. I misunderstood the situation. What have I done? If I were to act on my anger, boy, things would get really ugly.

So I decided on the best course to take to clear up any misunderstanding. I went to talk to him. I tried talking to him about it, but he remained quiet and focused on his homework instead. This really annoyed me. I was aware that I sounded quite frustrated and annoyed with him. I guess that really put him off. But I really can't help myself. That was bad.

He requested me to ask my elder brother instead. I insisted that I want to know from the horse's mouth. I persisted until he told me coldly, "I don't need your help."

That was it. I flared up. He did not need my help?! He resorted to my elder brother for advice instead? I was hurt, I was jealous and I was really angry. He really had no right to tell me that. Strangely, my emotions were quickly numbed. I couldn't feel anything after that. I left the room. I understood.

He is now a teenager. A reserved one who tells things to people whenever he is ready. Like me.

I keep forgetting about it. And melancholy strikes me.

I can't stand the fact that my little brother has grown up to be a teen - the crucial period when he defines himself... I then realise I'm not the only one in his life anymore. He had others, and because of that, I'm upset and jealous. I was always looked as the "big brother" whenever my elder brother isn't back home. I started to long for the time when he would run to me for help. =(

I'm not used to it. And I hate myself for not understanding and respecting him. To be honest, I still sometimes treat him like a dirtbag. I thought he was a child. He no longer is. He is more aware now.

What was worse is that I feel so bad for jumping to conclusions and wanting to slap him. Slap him! What right have I got to do that?! =( Then I understood. He is confused. He needed time to ponder about his decision, and I'm willing to give it to him. I won't ask him anymore until he is willing to share.

So this is what being reserved means. Keeping things to yourself and only sharing with those whom you trust. It sometimes hurts, especially to people who care about you and wanting to know more about you, but you're not willing to disclose your feelings and thoughts. It's not wrong. It's just that... oh, I don't know. Some may misinterpret it as closure and selfishness. But I don't think it's that. I think this is part of a reserved person's nature.

Like me.

Or maybe I'm misinterpreting the entire situation and his characteristics. =S But I just hope that whatever it is, he will make a wise and smart decision. As his brother, I will try to support him fully if it is for the better.

[+] There's more!

I am not doing well these days. =( Things have been going rather downhill lately. The written mocks are a fortnight away and I have yet to begin real, intensive revision. Somehow, I lost the mood to study and to do anything. It is as if I am rebelling against the examinations system when I normally have no qualms about it!

Physically, my body is not cooperating with me. Just when I demand good health while studying. Apparently, I have not taken enough measures to ensure that my physique is in top shape. Last week, our school organised a run. I should have bought a new pair of running shoes; the current pair is too tight for my big feet even though I normally wear size 9.5. My toes had to suffocate and suffer from injuries as they are cramped together in the tight space. As a result, two of my toenails (next to the big toe) are traumatised from the constant impacts of the shoes and they broke. One became detached from the nail bed, and other one bled and later became detached.

I was really shocked to see the throbbing toes and I was, and still am, shocked when I realise I'm going to lose both of them. Just now, I clipped away the entire left toe as it was painful (when coming in contact with the floor, or when I try to bend it). It's bearable but it was starting to bug me. Furthermore, it was already oozing pus (?). So reluctantly, after googling for advices (which weren't helpful), I made the hectic decision of clipping the whole nail to the cuticle. I was frightened by the slight ease of cutting it away without pain. Now, my nail bed is exposed and can any time be invaded by bacteria or fungi. I immediately regretted my decision, and I lamented about my ludicrousness. =(

I'm paranoid that I have cut away the nail root too and I will be stuck without a nail at that toe forever! I look at the now nail-less toe longingly to have the nail back. I feel vulnerable seeing the exposed pinkish nail bed, which looks sensitive. Just great! And it still slightly hurts too when walking, and watery, clear pus still ooze out from within the cuticle. How totally absurd!

I decided to remove the other detached nail too but however, I was pleasantly surprised to see a new, hard nail growing beneath the dead, crusty detached nail. It does not look pretty, but I'm glad that I've already got a new nail there. It must have been growing when that nail was partially broken a few months ago. That surprise finding itself lifted my spirits up a little but there are many factors out there which hampered my satisfaction with life lately.

Missing nails are just a minor concern. My chest throbs with pain whenever I sit, stand, move or lie down. It began rather suddenly yesterday when I came back from school. I was sitting on the sofa about to have my tea when suddenly, my right pectoral muscles began to hurt like hell. I was squirming with pain at the sudden cram. My mother questioned my sudden awkward behaviour. I assured her there was nothing wrong with me, when in reality it was painful! Knowing her, she fiercely makes sure I recover from whatever illnesses and pains by bulk feeding me with health products. I hate it. I do not believe in health products although the company was trustworthy! She also gives all the unneeded attention to me, thinking that I'm incapable of doing "ordinary tasks", and strictly ensures that I'll get my rest in bed.

To make matters worse, the pain increased substantially in the next few minutes and I simply had to tell her about it. I was afraid that it could develop into something rather serious. The timing to have such injuries is bad. Must it happen so close to my mocks?

My pectorals were massaged using an ointment which relieves muscle cramps. Thankfully, the pain subsided, but not a lot. My chest was still painful and memories of a previous experience of this "injury" came flooding back in my memory. I remembered enduring the pain when my parents were not at home. It was assumed that there was bad blood circulation. The symptoms were the same: there was "something" inside the chest that moved slightly whenever I moved, aching my right chest. I don't know how to describe it. If I hadn't remember wrongly, the pain will have subsided in the next couple of days.

And so, my parents once again reinforced the fact that I should not carry heavy things. Hey, I'm a guy and I am already pathetically weak, and you're asking me not to lift things? How was I supposed to build at least "some" muscle? What are they thinking? I'm already soft! Great, thank you!

I know that maybe the way I carried the table yesterday morning may not be right. But must the pain come much later after that? I had the feeling that it has nothing whatsoever to do with the pain.

Oh, I am so confused! I just want the pain to be rid of as soon as possible. It's not nice to breathe shallowly to avoid feeling the pain and having to move in pain constantly.

What more, I'm doing shoddily in school and revision. I do not get organic chemistry, radioactivity and vectors (Mathematics). The last few chapters of the syllabi are ridiculously difficult to comprehend. I seriously question how well I will fare for my mocks. I am going to jeopardise my future applications to sixth form schools if my mocks results are mediocre... =(

I'm procrastinating badly. I'm sick of it. I just want to revise properly this time. I told myself that already, why aren't I fulfilling my own wishes? =(

[+] There's more!

I woke up a couple of times this morning with my heart pounding pretty fast. At first, I didn't know what happened until visions of my nightmare returned to haunt me. It was really scary, I was so afraid of going back to sleep. No, it isn't one of those nightmares involving ghouls and spectres. It was a robbery happening right in my house! =O

I remembered I was in the living room with my ex-Science teacher. I had no idea why she was there in the first place. Anyway, I was instructed to open the gate for one of my friend's mother as she was coming to get my friend's photographs. I don't know why it happened too. A few minutes passed and a car came up and parked itself in the driveway. I looked out of the curtain and I saw an unfamiliar face of a pretty Malay lady who was donning a local attire. Without pondering much, I went out to have a look and carelessly left the door open.

All of a sudden, one of my mom's colleagues popped out and he and the lady just stomped into the house, pushing aside me. I was in a daze of confusion. My gut instincts began to warn me of an imminent robbery. That was it. Soon, I "saw" (or rather, felt) what was taking place upstairs. The entire house was ransacked and I developed a feeling that the robbers knew what they were after.

I did not know what to do. I was terrified by not only the situation, but also fearing my own safety as well as losing possessions. Till that point, I have never witnessed a real robbery. In the Sims 2 game, robbery had taken place a few times and more often than not, the robber was apprehended. I even thought it was quite funny to see my Sims screaming in hysteria and acting all nervous when the robber was stealing their possessions a few times. Not in my nightmare! I watched helplessly as the robbers cleaned out the entire house, and they made a clean getaway in their car, zooming off into the night.

I realised I was feeling shakey and nervous all the time. When I managed to calm my nerves a little, a voice inside my head told me to check on my ATM card (of all things!). Panicking, I zoomed up the stairs and headed into my bedroom, half wishing that my room was spared. It wasn't. The minute I opened the drawer where I kept my wallet, I couldn't find my wallet. I was infuriating and flabbergasted! I checked the other drawer where I kept the only bank statement I received so far. It was gone as well.

Paranoia began to eat my insides. All the money I have collected and save will be gone before the next day! =( I tried to think of every possibility to save my money and thank goodness I had an idea. To call the bank, of course! Tell the bank that my ATM card was stolen and to request them to deactivate the card. I rushed down and open the telephone directories. I tried to search for "ATM" in vain but I could not find it. My heart sank with dread and before I knew it, I blacked out and I returned to my bed.

I tried to open my eyes and lay there on my bed gasping for oxygen. I can't believe the robbery had petrified me so much! At first, I did not dare to look around my room for fear of encountering the robber. What if it was real? It felt too real! I was dreading that my ATM card had really disappeared. As much as I wanted to check to clear my conscience, I did not want to as I did not want to wake up. I plucked my courage and looked around from after many minutes, scanning everything and also any silhouettes lurking around. Thank goodness I didn't find any. I began to chant prayers to dispel any "energy" or "presence" that might disturb my sleep. I couldn't sleep for some time. I was too engrossed in my thoughts of that robbery.

Why didn't I phone the police? Did nervousness got the better of me? The robbers could have been caught by the police if only I acted faster. Why didn't i? Why had I let the robbers in to my house? I doubted myself and my actions in the dream. It really shows that I have little preparedness in emergencies. I was also thinking of allocating a safe hiding place for my valuables but what if the robbers knew where they were, or if they unknowingly stole the box or whatever that housed my possessions?

It took quite a while to clear my thoughts. I then slipped into slumberland, dreaming about adventures like those in the Twilight Princess game I played recently. I also dreamed about school (oh no!) and another robbery, this time at the ATM machine, although I did not remember much of it.

I'm glad that despite all these nightmares and dreams, I still managed to get a sound sleep after all those nights of sporadic sleeps. I was actually dreading to go to sleep last night as I did not want a poor quality sleep. =S

Why all these dreams? Are they somehow stress-related? I have just realized that most of my dreams these past few days somehow were related to school...

I'm not spending the last week of my school holidays that well too. After a week of playing the Twilight Princess game, I had to go back to work on my holiday assignments, two of which are the major ones which are the O Levels computer coursework and the Flash animation for an upcoming competition. I have done absolutely nothing for the latter. I could not concentrate on working even these two. I totally regretted playing that game, and I wish to regain that lost time. I refuse to believe that the holidays are meant to catch up on schoolwork. I was hoping that I could self-improve myself in vocabulary and maybe revising a little. I could do none of these things! My brain was screaming at me to relax and not do any productive work whereas my conscience said otherwise.

I think I have landed myself in major trouble, for once again leaving everything till the last minute. Congratulations, idiot, you learned nothing after all! I have no idea what causes this. I used to be a pretty ardent workaholic but now, my concentration span could not last 10 minutes before I get distracted again.

I'm lethargic, languid, lazy, lackadaisical, and whatever adjectives starting with "L" which describes my current lethargy. I simply have no mood nowadays to go on doing my assignments or even doing some productive work. Nor do I have to mood to enjoy myself. I don't understand why. It is as if there's something clogging my brain.

I can only do things when I have the mood and the heart to do it. I will not bother trying to do anything when I don't have the mood. *sigh*

I don't know what am I supposed to do now. I have no more choice but to force myself to finish up all my assignments. I am so going to be in deep trouble when school reopens. Oh God, help me! =( All these things are really killing me! I'm so frustrated and disappointed with myself!

[+] There's more!

No, I absolutely refuse to believe it! =O She, Mona Lisa, "backstabbed" her childhood friend who is now overseas. According to the backstabbed friend, she asserted in her blog that Mona Lisa is spreading rumours about her among her friends (?). I am quite vague about whether the rumour is supposedly positive or negative as I have read both parties' blog posts and each has told her different stories from their individual viewpoints.

I came to know about the friction in their friendship when the backstabee blogged about how she came to know of the rumours from her friends back here when they heard these rumours and gossips regarding her from the backstabber. She posted it only the last week and I didn't think too much of it. Maybe because it's just my nature not to get involved in people's businesses although deep inside me, I felt sorry that she was victimised and I was quite angry with the backstabber (I didn't know Mona Lisa was the "criminal" behind it for she wasn't mean enough to stoop down so low to reveal her name) for what she had done to her friend. Besides, I didn't know the whole story and I don't think I left a comment regarding the matter seeing that I didn't know what actually happened.

This morning, a close friend of mine approached me and asked whether I have read the backstabee's blog post or not. I shook my head feverishly since I was busy modding the Sims 2 yesterday. I was surprised to find out that the backstabee finally revealed the person who started the rumours in her blog post and technically, she wrote an accusative post. I did wonder why she was telling me this and in such a urgent tone too. I wanted to get her name so that there would not be any surprises for me but this close friend of mine refused to reveal it to me.

Naturally, I was very curious at that stage. The subject matter wasn't really brought up until the last period. It wasn't right until the minute before school lets out then I somehow guessed the rumours spreader (she did left clues here and there) and as much as I was shocked to learn that, she was too last night. Really now, of all people!

I wished she was cracking a horrible joke but she wasn't. It was like a nightmare coming true! =( It was like some prophecy was fulfilled! (Okay, maybe I watched too much cartoons! =P) It wasn't until a long time later that I can finally accept that she really did do it. I needed to see the blog post myself to fully satisfy myself, and unfortunately, I wasn't able to get home until nearly 5 pm as I had to involve myself in some school activities.

When I saw the backstabee's blog post myself, I was flabbergasted, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded (you name the synonyms, I have them!). Mona Lisa's full name was printed in bold, capital letters and there was no denying it - it is indeed her! Emotions began to surge through and conflict in my soul. The happy world I had submerged myself in suddenly dissipated. All that was left was a desolate landscape full of hurt, dejectedness and sadness. Suddenly, I welled up into silent anger that was quickly repressed and replaced by sadness and longing.

Is she nothing but a deception? Doubts rushed into my brain. She seemed so nice, so sweet, so kind, so...humanly. And now, the victim thinks she lacks the humanly qualities because Mona Lisa has spread unjustifiable rumours about her. One thing that strikes me the most is that this isn't her first time apparently. She has done it over and over again to her. I can sort of justify her ruthless action if it was her first time, but apparently it wasn't. I guess that is where the trouble stems.

She then went on to talk about the way she begs for sympathy so that she can gain the attention from others. You know, I never thought of it that way until she said it. I wish I can just go up to her and say, "You're lying!" but I don't think she is. I've known her for a few years as an acquaintance and I can safely say that the backstabee isn't the kind who fibs and fabricates stories. She's an honest girl.

Come to think of it, somehow it made some sort of sick sense. I still remember the other day that Mona Lisa asked whether she had done well in a speech competition. She was uncertain with her performance and thought she did badly when in fact, she did well! So she asked for my opinion and I assured her that she was fine. Maybe this is a pretty poor illustration since I do do that too (when I don't feel confident). Her friend gave a few other examples too and when I come to think about it, I realised that they make sense.

So, is she a two-faced person? An angelic demon? I honestly don't know and I can't make a sound judgement because I only got seriously acquainted with her in the third quarter of last year. Even though I have a crush on her, I honestly don't know her much yet.

It is really creepy come to think about it if she really has an evil alter ego. It is very cruel to masquerade as the nice guy and playing with my emotions and others as well to do her every bidding to achieve a selfish motive. I really cannot bring myself to think of her that way. That thought itself creeps me out.

I decided to take a trip to Mona Lisa's blog and see what she has to say. She started by saying that it is sad that people view her as a goodie-goodie two shoes. I was startled when I read her remark and I was deeply disturbed, because I always thought of her as a perpetually nice lass. She then admitted that she had spread rumours, backstabbed people and whatnot before. Another shock for me because I have never thought of her as that kind of person.

So she went on and apologized to the backstabee for talking behind her back but since the rumour was vague, she originally intended it to be positive, and not what the backstabee thought as negative. She then went on to lament about her innocence which sadly, I can't remember much. She did say something about how this wasn't the first time she was blamed for backstabbing though. I have tried accessing her blog just now but it seemed like she had taken it off the Internet a few hours ago. I really don't know why she did it, but it gave me the impression that she was the guilty party.

Who's right now? Who's wrong now?

Oh, I hate these moments! I honestly don't know anymore; I can't judge the situation because I do not know what had actually happened and I don't really know these two people inside out. Whose side should I support? The acquaintance who knows what she is talking about, or my crush who claims that she is innocent and somehow, her intended message were misinterpreted by people?

They both gave their stories. It's really up to me to believe one of their side of the story. I can't do it! I can't tell the truth from lies. Oh dear! =(

Why must this suddenly happen? I really don't know what to do now! My perception of Mona Lisa has completely changed. There goes another crush. There is no happy ending with my crushes at all! =(

[+] There's more!

A Disney Channel Original Movie called Pixel Perfect aired last Sunday, and as the title suggests, it deals with, well, perfectionism! A boon and a flaw of mine. I guess it also plays the biggest factor behind my notorious bad habit, procrastination.

When I watched this movie, I can empathise with the main characters very well, particularly Samantha who was envious of Loretta's perfectionism. The irony is that Loretta herself isn't real, she's the ingenious hologram conceived by Roscoe. Overall, the movie itself was pretty good - it talks about the journey to humanity of a hologram, it talks about introduction of holographic rock stars, it talks about relationships and the boundary between reality and fantasy. However, the very issue I want to give my ten-cents on is perfectionism almost achieved by Loretta.

Actually, Samantha was pretty jealous of Loretta and her perfection. I can fully relate myself to Samantha who was envious of that pixel girl. Sorry to say this, but I dislike people who seem to be perfect: perfect in every aspect; Jack of all trades, master of all. Especially when the person has strived perfection in the fields I am trying to excel in. I will really get in the dumps with my self-esteem and self-confidence crushed and contemplate how he/she has done it without breaking a sweat.

That was exactly how Samantha felt in the movie about Loretta. Her band was looking for a lead singer as she herself was perceived as a "substandard one". Little did she know Roscoe has unintentionally created an uber-holographic singer who would steal all the limelight from her besides overshadowing her and suppressing her role heavily. Don't you feel uneasy when suddenly, a new person comes into the office and does exceptionally well in jobs you are good in? And you thought you were good. Your successes are overlooked by the manager in favour of that new guy. What more, she is talented and a master of your favourite hobbies and having the temperament of Mother Theresa!

Boy, as much as I love and admire her (if she exists), I would dislike her as much. I never told this to anyone, but sadly, I can be a finicky green-eyed monster. I won't let anyone get in my way of achieving perfectionism, an intangible thing once fulfilled is like nirvana! I just to show everyone my talents and abilities. It's a bummer that there is always someone out there who is better than me. No, I won't be so evil as to go all the way to eradicate that person, but I would certainly feel uncomfortable and very let down.

On the other hand, if I were perfect, I'll breeze though everything and my life will be smooth. On the downside, I am pretty much putting myself in harm's way. I will be scorned at, disgraced, looked down on etc. People will be jealous of me too and that doesn't make my life any easier either.

Alright, maybe I should just accept my flaws and probably work to improve on it. It's only human to err. Even then, I will eventually reach a limit when I can no longer be better. It will be the best of my capabilities and I guess there's only so much one can do.

Speaking of self-improvement, jealousy or admiration of other's achievements do contribute to my motivation of improving myself and tempting me to set mammoth and impossible goals and tasks. Sometimes though, I cannot help but do that, especially when I jolly well know that it is within my capabilities. What makes matters worse is that I am a Jack of all trades but not really a master of anything. All I want is to be extremely good, bordering the best, in something.

*sigh* That is very greedy and selfish of me to have so many talents and abilities. =( It's a shame that it is so much easier said and done. Sometimes, I just wish that I can have them all with just a snap of my fingers, but of course, this is no Aladdin story. =P

The path to perfection is a blessing and a very big curse as well. It shows that I care a lot about my work but it also shows how distracted I am whenever mistakes pop up. It also gives the impression that I show too much redundant meticulousness and wasting my time over something "insignificant".

Perfectionism also explains my reluctance of taking the first step of doing anything. Annelisa sums it up as avoidance. Yes, perfectionism tempts me to get everything right the first time. The problem is my plans conceived are not always good. That sets me back further.

Fear of erring. Fear of failure. Fear of outcome. Most significantly, fear of the unexpected. =S

It shatters my dream of achieving anything. Perfectionism. *shakes head* I'm not used to making "mistakes". I fear encountering them. I try to shy away from them. But ironically, without them, how will I ever learn things?

Samantha tried to mimic Loretta to impress everybody. In the end, she had a horrible fall and she went into a relapse. She was later rescued by Loretta. Sure, Loretta was flattered but she herself longs to have a sense of touch and human emotions. In the end, it goes to show that nobody is indeed perfect.

Hmm... I seriously shouldn't let perfectionism get too much in the way of my life. I wish it could stop right now! I really should start appreciating whatever abilities and talents (if any) I have right now. Now, when comparison meets perfectionism, then the REAL trouble begins.

You are looking at the victim.

[+] There's more!

I'm sick and tired of school. Lately, many of my friends noticed that I have been moody these past few days. I think fatigue and boredom caused it. In other words, the reluctance to pick up my books and study made me worry about how am I supposed to pass my exams with flying colours. It's nearing the middle of the year, and you know what that means. Mid-Year Examinations are just around the corner and it's that period of the year where many dread and wish they never existed.

In Science class, Mr. Z. told us about an experiment where they got this rat or mouse, and they put this rat or mouse on one side of a cage. On the other side of the cage, they put a little piece of food. And this rat or mouse would walk over to the food and eat. Then, they put the rat or mouse back on its original position, and this time, they put electricity all through the floor where the rat or mouse would have to walk to get the piece of food. They did this for a while, and the rat or mouse stopped going to get the food at a certain amount of voltage. Then, they repeated the experiment, but they replaced the food with something that gave the rat or mouse intense pleasure, but I am guessing it is some kind of rat or mouse nip. ...the rat or mouse would put up with a lot more voltage for the pleasure. Even more than for the food. [...]

The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky.

Never in my life have I quoted something direct from a book I have read. Well, let's make this a first. =) It's time to put my reading comprehension to the test; inferring meanings from a passage! =P

What got me thinking was that the mouse was willing to suffer some pain in order to get the food and chomp down his reward. When the obstacle (the increased voltage) got tougher to the extent that it wasn't worth suffering to achieve the same goal, the mouse did not bother getting it after it realised how much more painful it was to step on the high voltage. The food was replaced with something that pleasures the mouse once ingested and look what happened to the mouse! It simply did not care how painful the high-voltage floor was because it knew that it would receive pleasure at the end of the painstaking journey which far compensates the pain.

One thing stands clear in this short passage - the mouse had goals. No, not complicated goals like becoming a SuperMouse or something impossible. It's a simple one, and it was willing to get out of its comfort zone, challenged itself to overcome the obstacles along the way and reaped its well-deserved rewards at the end of it. Simply put: cry first, rejoice later.

Are my goals set above my expectations? Are the obstacles I encounter while studying way out of my league? Or maybe my goals simply do not exist at all. I think that is my main problem. I tried, with limited success, the past few days trying to get my head into studying but my concentration just has to waver after a short few minutes of "intense studying", which shouldn't be called intense. I seem to be so distracted everytime when I study. I think of going online, I think of the immense amounts of homework the teachers suddenly decided to dump onto us, I think of the Macromedia Flash project competition I should try and complete and I think about the competitions I got myself involved in.

Oddly enough, the goals meme I did for myself the other day did not seem to help. In fact, I forgot about it. =( Shouldn't I be more focused on my studies since I have had already predefined my goals?

I am not serious enough. I am not willing to compromise the comforts I am enjoying now for the sake of my studies. I did not prioritise my studies. What's wrong with me? Why have I suddenly take my education lightly? It's not supposed to happen. I am supposed to study and obtain the best possible marks in exam.

No, my parents are in no way pressuring me to get good marks for *cough* them *cough*, in case you are wondering. I consider myself lucky for having such good parents. I'm doing this for my own sake. I won't do this for anyone, except for myself.

Lately, I have begun questioning my study techniques. I know it is such a bad time to question it, but I cannot help but wonder if they are going to help me in the long run.

I "study" by typing out notes for most of my subjects. I try to type out nearly all the chapters. I begin by reading through the textbook and learn the facts which I should know but wasn't covered or little emphasised in class. Once I can make heads and tails of what I have read, I open up my notebook and textbook plus supplements and I begin condensing or "summarising" the information in them into point forms. I try as much as possible not to leave out any information, no matter how minor they seem to be.


These are the notes I created from the chapter of the Urinary System.

Yes, I don't do my notes the way how my study guidebooks recommend. Instead of closing my book and trying to recall by writing down what I have learned, I open my books and copy the important points, trying to put them into my own words as much as possible. I don't pick out some important points and summarise them in as little words as possible. I take the whole big junk of information and just type them out. This makes the last-minute revisions difficult as I have to spend quite a long time trying to leaf through everything and ensuring that in that as short span of time, information can actually seep through my impermeable brain.

No, I don't read my notes until the day before or a couple of days if the subject content is really broad. And I wonder, is it worth spending my time making notes like that, and not reading them consistently?

It is my fault that I make my notes at the last minute (again!). I procrastinated because it's a very time-consuming process, and I loathe time-consuming jobs. So, I just leave everything to the last minute, and then worry about getting it done on time (forget about revising - making notes is a revision in itself, I think).

My situation currently is exactly like the mouse: Big obstacles, same goals but maybe the rewards are greater. Or it makes no difference at all. I totally have no idea. I am very hesitant to improvise my study methods, because I feel that it's a good way of revising. Well, I am speaking from a rather biased point of view, since I never really try out other methods.

Maybe I could join my legions of friends and just read from the textbook but I myself know how much I hate doing it, plus textbooks are infamous for containing large blocks of redundant paragraphs! Hey, 400 pages is no joke. I nearly fainted when katelyn sent me extracts from her piloted Chemistry textbook (thanks again!). Upon further inquiry, I discovered her textbook is twice as thick as mine.

That puts me off. I dislike reading thick books, rather surprising for an avid reader like me. That's why I avoid reading Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. =\ Their thickness just makes me want to wander to the Children Book's section!

The amount of content I have to study for the upcoming Mid-Year Examinations begins from last year until wherever we have covered so far this year. That is like three-quarters of the textbooks! =( The subjects I fear most are Biology, Geography, Computer Studies, Chemistry, Physics... Oh, make them all! =O

I haven't been getting my minimum 8 hours of sleep too nowadays and as a result, I have been getting very cranky. I snapped at my parents and my brother. I wore a gloomy face from the time I woke up to about the second period in school. It was that bad. Today was especially bad. I sulked and snapped at both my parents. I cringed at the noises at home. I'm at a very fragile state now, I could blow up anytime soon.

And what did I study for today (or rather, written notes on)? Enthalpy change. So much for progress for the day. *heaves a heavy sigh*

I don't know what to do with myself. I need to pick myself up by committing myself to my studies. So far, I've seen myself dedicating none of my drop of sweat on my studies. I can't believe there are so many distractions around me, particularly the Internet!

You know guys, for every minute of studying, there will be half an hour of relaxing. I feel so "wasted". *ugh* It's that bad! I catch myself taking opportunities to watch TV, eat as long as I can, use the PC as long as possible - just to escape studying. I know they are temporary measures, that is why I keep taking them. =(

In Geography, we have a vicious cycle of poverty. In me, there is the vicious cycle of procrastinating. In both cases, the victims are the losers, because of "uncontrollable factors".

Have I ever posted such blog posts before? I think I did. Either that, or I have thought of these ever since a long time ago.

I want good results. I want to excel in school. I don't want my tardiness and procrastination habits to drag me down. I believe I have got the potential.

I have set the mood to study. Sadly, I lack the attitude.

I wish I could turn back the clock and begin a fresh start and outlook towards revision. I wish God could grant me 30 hours in a day and bless me with the ability to not sleep, so that I can fully make use of my day. If that happens, would I still stick to my old ways, thinking that, "Oh! It's still a long time before exams loom!"?

I need to be pinpointed my mistakes. I don't know where I have gone wrong. I never feel so wrecked in my life. =(

[+] There's more!

My brother committed a grave mistake. In his fury, he condemned a religion and its God in a tagboard at my other board. Fortunately, there were few responses to his tag, but it devastated me. How could my brother committed such idiotic and major sin of putting the damn on other people's religion? I know he did not purposely do it, but still....

I am so confused and lost in my own angry thoughts. I need sleep... I really hope this matter could be resolved tomorrow.

[+] There's more!

I think it's time to shed some truth. I haven't been studying the last week, and the last. I took the break mainly because I wasn't in the mood the blog. As you can see, my blog posts weren't as exciting as last time's, as if life has been sucked out of me. I think that's kind of true. Ever since school has begun, I haven't been quite myself (except in school, where I can laugh out loud with friends). According to my brother, he said I'm two completely different persons during the school holidays and during school days. He said I'm more serious now than the last time when I visited him.

That's kind of true. I had to be serious as it's really a crucial year for me this year. Unfortunately, I have yet to be fully committed to my school work. All I have done this year is paying attention in most of my classes, go home and worry about how I should catch up on schoolwork. And instead of concentrating on my revision, I went instead to play on my PC! This recurs every single day, until the final days leading to my first tests.

Something went wrong. I didn't have the heart to study. My heart felt heavy everytime when I touched my textbooks that are 150 pages thick on average. The dreaded texts of nothing but knowledge that needs to be crammed into my brain which is reapplied later in exams.

I then begin to worry how I have to pick up my books to study. It's a must, no excuses. To shrug myself away from my problem, I went online and surf around the Internet. I don't even know what websites I have been surfing. Possibly my friends' blogs and unfortunately, none of you guys' blogs...and mine.

I haven't been blogging consistently and I am very aware of that fact. I took school as an excuse but it wasn't really school. All of a sudden, my heart isn't into blogging anymore (indirectly related to my worries that I should be studying). I just wanted to get away from the blogosphere as I'm quite exhausted from blogging and I encountered relentless blogger's (writer's) block. That explains why I haven't been commenting at or visited your sites. I just want to thank you guys so much for patiently waiting for my return. =)

Back to what I was saying. Lately, I begun to lurk around The Student Room forum where I can get to read first-hand experiences of senior students studying in sixth forms and universities in U.K. It was exciting to read their posts and I really look up to them as they are mostly pretty diligent students themselves. I kept imagining and telling myself that in a few years' time, I will be like them enjoying university life.

That is my dream, and dream is what I do. Act is what I don't.

I told myself, "Snap out of it! If you don't do anything to pull your socks up now, you're not going to end up in university. That's not the way to do it. Pick up your books and make them a reality!". So I did, and I groaned. It's simply too much. I was lazy and tired of studying. I just want to have eternal good things to befall on me, just like that. I know life isn't going to work out that way, sadly I just don't realise it.

I have this hobby of daydreaming about my future. It rather simple really: Do A-Levels and do my four or five subjects, move on to a British university and major in Biology and maybe minoring in Psychology or some other things (it keeps changing) and get a job. What job? I don't know...

Somehow, the idea of doing Psychology isn't very appealing to me anymore. Sure, I'd like to study it, but am I ready to be committed to its field for 30 odd years? Sounds like a long time to me. And thus, plans of my future is messed up. And I have to strive to think up of backup plans, bringing me back to The Student Room and other miscellaneous university and career websites.

I think I'm too young to think about all these things. I worry too much about my future and I have set my sights too far. I need to have short-term goals, like to get distinctions in my O Levels. Yet, I cannot help but be interested in what happens to me in 2 - 3 years time. I forgot that absolutely anything can happen. It's funny that these happens during periods of exams and tests.

Very, very ironic. =S

I smile at the perfect plan(s) I have created. I will be disappointed when all things go wrong.

Like now, when I'm supposed to be studying for my tests tomorrow. Yet, I am the least bothered to pick up my finger to revise thoroughly. Maybe later, I always tell myself, at 11 pm where I can rush through and cram all the required information into that petite brain of mine.

There I go again. Procrastinating, and taking things for granted.

Taking things for granted... Eerily, that phrase keeps popping out to me. In books I read, during Christian religious knowledge classes, my best friend... Someone up there is trying to tell me something. And I fail to heed to it.

I think it's my attitude which is the main problem here. Ignorance and taking things for granted is just "so me". =( Why am I waiting for someone to give me a kick in the rear and shake me profusely, yelling me to wake up and take a look at reality?

This is really weird.

I have yet to tell the Deputy Principal that I'm going to drop Sociology. Yes, I made up my mind, I'm dropping it, because I took things for granted, thinking that it's piss easy and I can do it. Apparently, I couldn't because I did not apply the effort to try. In short, I am just plain lazy and I procrastinated. Again.

And that is why I never dared to tell her. It was my mistake. I thank myself for being stupid in making such a haste decision. And that's not the only reason why...

This is going to be embarrassing. =( Another reason why I never approached is because of my friends! I don't want them to know anything about me taking an additional subject, and me dropping it again in the end. Indirectly, the taking of Sociology was the cause for me dropping Additional Maths. If my teacher finds out about this, she's not going to be happy and shake her head. I should have taken it as extra instead of Sociology which I can learn properly in A Levels.

I was too impatient to wait for two years and then to pick it up. Being the "smart" person I am, I took it up first, and because I couldn't bare to not take Geography (I love the subject, despite the sheer amount of things I need to remember =P), I dropped Additional Maths. No one knows the real reason why. It's just "inappropriate" for an academically sound student like me to drop such a subject which is considered stimulating enough for me. I sometimes regretted my own decisions in dropping Additional Maths. From what I heard from friends, the chapters following the very first chapter we learned last year was quite easy and "a walk in a park".

*sigh* I cannot believe choices like that can ricochet off many problems that comes with it. My choices of subjects were inadvertently affected by my main sole decision which is hasty, i.e. taking up of Sociology.

Subconsciously, I am quite troubled by that. Now, I need to inform of my decisions to the Deputy Principal as soon as possible before it's too late. I fear that she will inform my form teacher of my decision, and she will unintentionally announced it to the whole class, with my friends shooting me questions that I couldn't really answer.

If that happens, I will honestly be in deep shit and there wouldn't be any way of dropping it without dying of embarrassment. =S

One haste decision, so many consequences. Is that what life is all about?

Due to that very reason, I kept thinking about it subconsciously and I will retaliate in horror with the sheer mention of the words "Sociology", "extra subject", "9th subject", "Additional Maths" and even "GCE O Levels". You can see my face going pale and I suddenly acting nervous and trembling. It's that bad seeing that it sparked off phobias after phobias, worries after worries, fears after fears...

I honestly want to turn back time and undo what I have done. A part of me don't want that, because I don't want to go through the hassles I have been through last year. *frowns*

I need to do something about it, fast! Yet I'm held back by fear. I'm really scared...

On the other hand, I saw an advertisement in the local newspaper about the ASEAN scholarship to study in Singapore for A Levels. I'd love to get hold of it, unfortunately that scholarship will present problems if I do get hold of it.

• Subjects I would love to take up for A Levels, i.e. Sociology and Psychology, aren't offered by the MOE, let alone the schools themselves.
• I can't choose my school.
• I'm not ready to leave home.
• From what I heard, the students over there are fiercely competitive and scary when it comes to education. So is life there.
• There's CCAs to attend to besides school and that will take up a lot of time.
• 7 subjects to do instead of 4, with 3 compulsory ones which I do not fancy doing.
• I won't get to choose the schools myself.
• I don't think I can cope with it.

On the other hand, the education in Singapore is rigorous and high in quality, thus securing my future. Not only that, but the busy life I will have over there will present me the opportunity to practice time management and to eradicate my problems of procrastination. Also, I will gain more life experiences.

Again, decisions, decisions, decisions. It's either I get hold of the scholarship and study for free in Singapore, or I stay home and go to a local sixth form public school where I can get "free education" from the government (since I'm a local).

This time, I'm determined to not make any mistakes again. Once has been enough to making my life a misery. =( I got until April 2 to respond, and during this short period, I need to ponder about it.

For the time being, I need to forget about it and concentrate on tomorrow's subjects. They're way more crucial! =P

To end this, it's my attitude which is the problem. Now, I need to change it by hook or by crook for the better. To benefit me not only now, but for the rest of my life. Commitments. It's so hard to make. And it comes hand in hand with determination.

The only problem is how.

I feel so much better now after heaving this off my chest! I hope you guys don't find it too weird - I need to be honest with myself. Thank you guys for reading, and once again, I apologise for my absence from this part of the blogosphere. =)

[+] There's more!

This is a follow-up blog post from Sociology? And other thoughts...

Oh my gosh, what is wrong with me? Why am I beginning to worry about this again? This is bad, this is very bad...

Last night while I was in bed, I was hit by the sudden, sick realisation. I have not done much for Sociology, i.e. I have only covered 1 and a half big units, and there are 7 more to go. This is frustrating. I don't think I can complete all eight units in time for the exam in November. I might as well forget it and spend my energy concentrating on my 8 more important subjects, and score better marks in them.

There's just one problem though. I have to inform the deputy principal regarding my change in decision (this is the third time: first was to obtain permission to sit for this subject, second was to switch from Additional Maths to Geography, and now this...) again. Will she even approve of my decision? I have even got my parents' consent. What will they say? Most importantly, what will she say?! Will she criticise me and make me DO it, whether I like it or not?

I believe I still stand a chance though since registration has yet to be opened. Guys, I don't look forward to stand in her office telling her my change of my decision. I don't think she'll take me seriously, and she will shoot a plethora of questions hurling towards me. Questions, questions. I even tried to imagine how the meeting with her would turn out last night. I almost couldn't sleep last night.

Why did I want to drop this subject? First of all, there are still many more topics to cover. So, why did I take it in the first place? Honestly, I have no idea - I was thinking more with my heart than my head (in other words, I was too blinded by the sudden discovery of me suddenly developing an interest in this subject I went straight to sit for it in the O Levels without thinking of the effort I have to put in and its consequences). And I sort of regretted my hasty decision...

Again.

Oh boy, I'm in deep trouble. I am very afraid that she's going to request me to take up Additional Maths as replacement. I can imagine the look on my ex-teacher's face, glaring at me, daring me to tell her the reason why I made a stupid decision...

That'll be highly unlikely, but I never know. My school life is so messed up.

Did I tell you that I was afraid to tell her that I want to stop doing this subject? It's not too late right, since registration is yet to be opened. *shudder at the thought* I just am afraid to confront her and ramble nothing but mutterings. I was thinking of treating her to a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop and talk things thoroughly about my decisions.

I don't think it's necessary.

I have been badly misinformed. I should have been more patient and wait to study this subject later in Sixth Form, when more experienced teachers can deliver this subject to me properly. I lack resources as well; I cannot find past year papers online, the syllabus outline is too vague and frankly, there's a lot to remember! No, I don't think I can commit myself fully to study Sociology now.

Regrets, regrets. Oh, stupid naive me! >.<

So, should I see her? Or should I just go on and study this? (I definitely hope it isn't the latter because well...I just know I cannot go on anymore.) =(

[+] There's more!

All of a sudden, I feel rather down today. I don't know why or what has happened to me, but it just suddenly hit me. Maybe my conscience is bugging me to do something useful like reading the pile of books I bought overseas or flipping through my school textbooks. After all, school is going to reopen soon and a part of me do not look forward to it! I'm pretty sure teachers are so going to ask us whether we have "studied" or not (and the answer will be a resounding no from us) and we will be so badly pressured to catch up with the syllabus. *rolls eyes*

Especially Maths, Chemistry and Physics; oh boy, I need to revise again sometime this week to recap my understanding of the concepts! Oh, and I really don't look forward to some classes! *shudder at the thought of Computer Studies*

My worry is further added when I came to realise that some of my friends are going to tuition classes. That scares me. I know, schools in my country have already begun, except for us, and it's normal for students to go to tuition but that makes me even paranoid because I myself have yet to touch my school books.

Why do I always get this sickening feeling prior to beginning of school? =S I suppose that's another weird part about me! =D

Going to school tomorrow just sent me to the doldrums. The school prefects are organising an orientation tomorrow for our new recruits. I can't wait to get to know them, I think it's going to be exciting. Then again, I loathe seeing the sight of school. It gives me the creeps to know that in a week's time, I'll be stuck in a classroom suffocating while trying to grasp what was thrust to me! =O

Unfortunately, I have to train the new members of my council in doing their jobs and it's going to be tough! Last year, only 2 of my council members, i.e. the current boss of prefects and I, actually did something. The other one produced sub-zero quality work (at least to me)...no offense.

I hope the members I get are okay people, friendly and cooperative. =)

I really need to shove thoughts of school far away into a secluded part of my brain!!!

Do you guys still remember the neighbours whom I play basketball with? Bad news: I don't really look forward to playing with the kids anymore, especially the eldest one. He's too kiasu! I'm really sorry if I have to say that out blatantly, but honestly, I can't stand it.

Now I remember why I hated basketball. I find most of the players playing dirty and unfair, and they literally try to bend, twist, using it to their advantage and find ways to get around the rules. It's outright disgraceful! A curse to those rules. So many, and they make the game turn sour!

When my ball was about to fly into the hoop, he cried "Time Out" as he wanted to get something, and my ball actually went in! Another time, he said the garage wasn't within the boundary, and when his ball got out, he continued playing as if nothing happened!

And when my team mate (which was his little brother) last touched the ball and he cried foul, he said "Since you were the one who last touched it, it's our ball."

What? Your ball? I saw it with my own eyes that you ignored your imposed rules!

I also noticed that when the ball got slipped out of his hands into his little brother's, and who passed to me, he cried "Foul" again, due to roughplay, when I didn't see anything at all! So what is he trying to do? Trying to win all of the games just to show us how good he is (and he made a pretty good effort to show off his success and skills)?

He is very impressive for a kid his age, but his attitude fail to impress me. Whatever happened to the friendly games we had? His kid brother even knew he has playing unfair! I felt like a fool standing there trying to be naive when I myself know so clearly something is very wrong. I felt like trying to tell him that it's wrong, but I suppress myself from doing so. I definitely don't want to start a major argument.

And that's what make me quite angry. For Pete's sake, there are winners and losers in a game and it is inevitable that you lose once in a while. Don't have to go all the way to bend the rules and win, and parade in front of us like a winner when clearly, you do not really deserve all the fine glory! >=(

Make games fun. Not a war.

And I feel so bad for saying this behind his back. But then, he is wrong in many cases. >=(

Maybe I shouldn't go tomorrow. I just stay home and go online, or read some good novels I bought.

And why is my friend trying to compare my previous results with a guy in my previous year? So what if he gets 6A1 and 2A2 while I got 7A1 and 1B3? It makes no difference!

P.S. Thank goodness he realises that I'm no longer that "competitive" anymore. I used to fret over my results last time though.

[+] There's more!

Last night, I was haunted with very bad thoughts - school related thoughts that is. Boy, I wonder if I suffer from pre-school (no, not kindergarten; before school) symptom! But seriously, I myself realised that I did not do much study on this subject called Sociology. So far, I only did light reading on the first three chapters (skipping the second one), and those are the syllabus for Paper 1! I have yet to study 4 more for Paper 2. *groan*

I think a little bit of explanation will shed some light on this current dilemma. Sociology is NOT a subject offered in my school and it is NOT a popular subject. Heck, only a few people in my country take it each year! Sometimes, I think I am stupid for falling into my excitement and taking it, not weighing the consequences I may have to face and the work dued prior to exams. Actually, there's more to that. I spent quite some time last year researching on what I would like to major in for university (so I have 3 more years to go--inclusive this year) and it was when I discovered how much fun Sociology can be. The study of society. This is what I can call life education. At least I can gain the knowledge of how groups of people function, and I can understand more about what's going on in the news. Science fails to explain that.

Okay, no, Sociology isn't what I wanted to major in. I found out that Psychology is more to my liking; the study of how humans behave and of course, oneself. Nothing can get better than that (although Biology is slowly becoming more of my fancy). I was thinking of majoring both (uh-oh, unwishful thoughts!).

I don't know, I do not want to give them too much thought. I just let life takes it course. I definitely do not want to despair at another failed plan and besides, 2 years is a long year and anything can happen!

Anyway, somehow, someway, I found out that Sociology is indeed a subject offered at O Levels and that means I don't need to wait until A Levels to take up Sociology. Okay, so my little 15 years old version of myself was ecstatic and overjoyed. I did more research to confirm that "Yes! I should take it." and I did (Mind you, I was already so biased by my own thoughts!). I bought my textbook recommended by CIE (the exam board for international O Levels) from Amazon.co.uk and I wrote a letter to the school telling them of my desire to take up this subject for my upcoming O Levels. I was given the green light and I was allowed to sit for this exam externally and register through the school for the exam (does that mean I can sit for this exam at my school?).

Now, I'm in a big trouble. I've just broken my "I will do my very best for the upcoming examinations" promise as so far, I am slacking off in this subject. Yeah, I know I am interested in this subject but seeing the really thick textbook discourages me and the amount of content I've got to remember - hoo boy!

Can I successfully juggle my 9 subjects, i.e. Malay, English, Maths, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Computer Studies, Geography and Sociology? I know four of these subjects have an extraordinary load of content!

I'm scared and paranoid now. Suddenly, I don't think I can do it. But I got to persist now that I've already got my approval from the school. Or should I just back it out and stick to my 8 subjects?

I admit... Another reason why I took this subject is also because a few of the other guys (the smarties) took up an extra subject as well. So, to not feel left out, I took up an extra one too as well.

And I never told anyone about my decision.

So, I am now proving to my peers (and to teach the top students - well, not all but my rivals and one arrogant one who I don't quite like) that I will be the odd one up and take up this subject.

A big mistake? I guess...

I already weighed this as my concern but didn't think too much about it. Now that registration forms are to be given to us when school reopens in February, I cannot help BUT seriously wonder what the whole school will think.

"WHAT?! Why a smart guy like you is taking a stupid subject like this?"

"My God! So instead of taking up Additional Maths/Geography as your ninth subject, you took up THIS?"

"Boy, are you stupid!"

"Come on! Everyone can do that!"

"Why, (insert my name), why?!"

"You abandoned us..." (said by the top students)

"Why take up this wussy subject?" (said by the guys)

And a plethora of questions sent hurling towards me. It happened when I dropped Additional Maths in favour of Geography. In fact, I can very well assure you that it will happen, again!

Can I seriously stand up against all the questions and insults thrown to me? Dare I to be different?

Initially, I said, "Yeah!"

Now, I will creep towards the smallest mouse hole at my house and force myself inside and hide myself there.

I'm seriously weird. People will be asking me, "Why aren't you utilising your smartness and take up some challenging subject like [stress]Additional Maths[/stress]?"

Fact: I am not so interested in Maths-oriented subjects even though I enjoy doing it at times.
Fact: I am more interested in humanities. Then again, I dislike History (because of the large number of facts, names and dates that have to be crammed into my brain) and Economics (I just cannot stand learning the theories of business!).

But I never tell this to people, of course. I have to CONSTANTLY repeat myself, and I find that my shootbacks lack strength anyway.

*sigh* I suppose I'm self-conscious (or as my best friend have put it, image-conscious). *embarrassed* But I can't help it. Why does people have to constantly question me? Then again, I do the same too. *shrug*

Or maybe I can just drop it and run away from all these potential problems. I'm considering this option as well.

And I have another problem. My elder brother is stressing me to leave for university when I graduate Year 11 this year. He "advices" me to take up a foundation course instead of A Levels. The thing is, I'm not ready to leave my home at the young age of 17 and secondly, foundation courses are worse than A Levels. But he says they are more focused, and no one does A Levels nowadays. He said that A Levels are for those who cannot afford to go university and needs to find a job asap.

But I think he's bloody wrong. Hey bro, this is the second millennium, not the 90's!

He wants to know my decision during Chinese New Year when he comes back. And he wants to hear me saying "I will do the foundations".

NO!

ARGH!!! I'm so frustrated. Year 11 is starting to bite me! =(

I really need your opinions on this, guys, please? Happier blog posts will follow soon.

[+] There's more!

So here's my rundown of Blogger BETA. The labels/tags feature introduced by Blogger BETA was the main reason which drove me to switch to it.

One thing good about this new version of Blogger is that your post is published straight away without having to wait for the timer to finish. And there are finally labels which are really long overdue! Unfortunately, I can't make use of it yet as I do have some problems with the template.

For users who are pretty uncomfortable with hordes and hordes of senseless HTML bombarded at him/her, Blogger BETA now allows them to more around their blog content easily by dragging the appropriate page elements using your mouse and place them wherever you want. It's so easy to customise the default Blogger templates by simply dragging and clicking. And you can also add like your Javascript clock, links, archives etc. (those sidebars widgets) into your sidebar very easily.

Unfortunately for amateur HTML tweakers like me, editing the HTML codings are terribly difficult. I have been faithfully using HTML the whole while and suddenly, I have to switch the programming language of my blog to XHTML and XML! I was clueless as to how to tweak my current layout to adapt BETA's new compabilities, because first of all, I have zilch knowledge of those two web programming languages. And that means having to learn everything from scratch once again. And I dread doing that, seriously. It's very time-consuming!

Thank goodness there isn't much to learn for XHTML as it is pretty similar to HTML with a few obvious differences that I can easily adapt to in a relatively short time. Like for instance, the tag elements must be all in lowercase (I have always written them in uppercase). This in my opinion makes tweaking the codings more difficult for me as I cannot really differentiate quickly the tags and the normal text contents.

Hmm, I wonder why Blogger calls it 'Edit HTML'?



And Blogger BETA's default templates is really straining my eyes when I try to refer to them as examples. Everything, or rather most part of the codes are all clustered up together and I have to try and find the end of a particular piece of code and create line breaks just to separate them from the others (it's easier to edit that way).



And Blogger Help wasn't of much help too, especially this piece of article which teaches me how to properly code the widgets code. It's so frustrating trying to make heads or tails of it, and I was really confused after reading that. And the default templates seem to have complicated things.

Why must there be so many new Blogger-specific tags? I don't get it, the old one was so much better and less complicated to do. But this new one makes use of XML, and not only that, it's pretty confusing too.

And that is why I have reverted back to using the classic template instead of the new one. I simply am really clueless to do anything at all. I even spent the whole day yesterday trying to figure out where to put such codings, with no luck. Blogger BETA kept telling me "My XML file is invalid", therefore my template cannot be even previewed at all! Sigh, why bother... I think I am stuck with this for the time being. And probably read up more later.

Overall, I have a pretty sour experience with this new interface of BETA, which spoils the whole image of everything. So should you change to Blogger BETA?

Yes, if you are uncomfortable with HTML and you prefer working with GUIs, then Blogger BETA is for you! It cuts down on your frustrations and confusions by hundreds of percents. If, on the other hand, you are familiar with XHTML and XML, then I'm sure you can quickly implement and harness the new lucrative features offered by Blogger BETA into your blog.

No, if you are like me who dislikes the rigidity of Page Elements and you prefer working with your layout directly. Unfortunately, the whole editing layout thing would further frustrate you if you are foreign to the terms XHTML and XML and you have absolutely no clue on how to tweak your template. I also heard that BETA blogs suffer glitches too, especially the comments, but they should hopefully be quickly resolved.


Other than these, there aren't many noticeable changes in this new version of Blogger.

P.S. This review is written by a HTML purist, who has recently discovered the wonders of XHTML, and he is slowly adapting to it. This review is also focusing on the new template aspects of Blogger BETA. This might be inapplicable to you if you do not bother much about layouts, and if you are so, I suggest you switch to Blogger BETA just to take advantage of the new labels feature.

[+] There's more!

I'm kind of peeved that the web browsers in my PC kept on crashing for no reason, and thus the blog post that I have written is lost forever. And I have to retype everything again. Luckily, I didn't say much over there. Let's hope my mom's laptop I'm using now can last.

I'm sorry for not blogging for about a week or so. I wasn't home from Wednesday to Saturday as I went out of country to Sabah for a school holiday excursion trip. It was really fun. And for these past few days, I wasn't really in a mood to blog nor even bother to complete my 50 000 worded novel. That's bad. I feel so unmotivated to come back and find out that I'm already a few thousand words behind the recommended milestone I should achieve, and now it's getting worse. I'm already 10 000 words behind! It's frustrating really, and November is about to reach its 3rd week.

In this blog post, I want to vent out some of the frustrations I had yesterday from chatting with a certain girl. I shall give you some background knowledge on her. Two years ago, I had had quite a crush on this girl and set up a rendezvous with her at the library. In the presence of my best friend (I brought him along to give me moral support), I told her I like her, and she fled the scene. And I was heartbroken of course, as I took it as a sign that she didn't fancy me. So gradually, my feelings towards her slowly dwindle down even though we still remain as friends.

This year, she moved to another school and I remained in my school happily living my life. It was only a few months ago that she IM-ed me, finally telling me that she did indeed like me, but it was really too late for me, us to do anything because I totally have no more feelings for her. I appreciate the fact that she found the courage to tell me after all these years but I wonder what her intention was. She told me all this after she poured over her dilemma to me, saying that some guy 2 years younger than her fancied her, even loved her (talk about instant romance development). So she asked me for advice and I couldn't really give any proper ones because I have never ever experienced having a girlfriend yet. I do have a couple of crushes, but somehow, nothing work (I'm doomed to be a bachelor LOL!).

So I told her to dump him asap, seeing that she doesn't even like that guy and doesn't even know him that well(she knew him through her friend's friend). I really don't know why but she obligingly stuck by to him for a couple of months as she dare not break up with him although I have told her countless times to do so. She kept updating me with the news of how she was still with him and to be honest, I really am bored with hearing it and told her the same thing: break up with him.

She finally did recently, but the poor lovesick boy pestered her by miss calling her. It's sad, really. I wonder if he got the message that the girl doesn't like him. It takes two hands to clap, you know. Yesterday, she went on to tell me how busy she is now after her exams; she took part in many many academic competitions because she wanted her "sports house to win". I admit that it sound really impressive, although deep inside me I was jealous of her. You see, we used to be academic rivals. She took the top spot of the class while I am just behind her.

She got herself into such a busy mess, right? So why, oh why, does she have to rely on me to give her the points for her debate and her speech? I don't get it, she IS indeed smarter than me, so why does she rely on me instead of herself? I know I sound like a selfish guy and not being a very good altruist, but hey, I think she doesn't want to move that big brain of hers up there. Ha, you know what's worse? She decided to call me this Sunday (or some day) and expect answers from me. Whoah, that's getting a little bit too much ma'am!

I don't know why this time, she didn't want to pester other people besides me. I have noticed that she had started to take advantage of me last year (although not as much as others) by copying my homework, asking for help and do her academical whims and whams. Is it because she still thinks I am in love with her? No way, no more!

Okay, this sucks. I don't even know what I'm rambling about. I just don't want to help her at all, since it's her problem not mine! I might help her a little bit if only she already has come up with points and wants my suggestions for more.

In the end, we came to that "agreement" and I closed the chat window. I was busy chatting with some other friends online when suddenly, her window popped up, saying "HEY DARLING, PLEASE HELP ME!" I should be flattered, but I'm more grossed out and I feel even more compelled to not help her. So I was about to tell her off when she said that it was her friend who typed. I was pretty much enraged, but I kept those to myself. First of all, why does she tell her friend who I don't know that she used to like a guy who liked her? Her friend even called me by my name. And her friend went on to ask me what my fancy MSN handle means when I sort of ignored her because I don't get what she was talking about. Arrogantly, she quickly concluded that I don't even know what it means. Hello? I know what it means okay, I just don't get what you're typing! I felt such like an idiot, and was about to ignore both of them when she said bye. So bye, *@#$%!

What am I supposed to do when she calls me? Ignore her? Help her? Say "I havent't thought of anything yet?" (planning to use this excuse)? Arghhh, I'm so frustrated! Since when has her debate became my debate. I feel like a fool. And then on that day itself, her pleading voice might swoon me all over again.

Maybe it's the holiday bug that bit me.

Or not.

I don't feel like getting involve with her life anymore. I know that's pretty mean and drastic and she didn't do anything to "hurt" me. I don't know. Somehow, deep inside me, I just dislike her...

I hope she wouldn't keep to her word and so don't call me. Or even worse, come to my house and ask for help. I would not answer the door but my mom would be there and she will make me entertain and help my guests.

This is stupid...Help?

[+] There's more!