So much things have happened over these past few days. On Monday, my mom and that hypocritical "bossy" friend have annoyed me to a point of no return, and my mood was extremely foul for that entire day. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Anyway, on a happier note, the CAS element of IB has given me a wonderful insight into children. Although I would have been exhausted after a really long day of school, I enjoyed playing with them! Seriously, they are so awesome. I'm quite proud of myself for being involved in their lives and enriching their childhood, especially the autistic kid I'm taking care of. Let's call him Dane. Last Friday, when Dane was going home, her mother confided with me about Dane's sad situation in his school.

As Dane's friend, I noticed that unlike other kids, he is extremely smart and he sees the world in an entirely different perspective compared to other kids. He is naturally inquisitive, and very chatty! =D It wasn't until my crush asked me whether he was a prodigy when his mother told me about Dane's high intelligence. I reflected on her words and realised that he could be one. However, his enthusiasm for knowledge scares off other kids his age, and his mom told me he was always bullied in school.

I flashed back and remembered the time when Dane told me he was bullied in his school. I didn't think too much about it (stupid me!) because I thought maybe his friends were just having a day of fun. I was a bit concerned, but I didn't raise that concern to his mom. Oh man, I am mad with myself for keeping quiet! >.<

Anyway, his mom on Friday confirmed that it is a recurring problem. Dane has no real friends in school at all, and I thought, how can children be so cruel to someone who is different? =( He did have a friend once, but he has since moved to our school. So his mom began to thank me for taking good care of Dane, because I was not only helping him to overcome his autism, I was also his only friend. I was in shock, because I thought Dane has a few friends in school.

She then told me that Dane was struggling in school. I looked at her with wide eyes and questioned that possibility. I mean, he was a very bright and chatty fellow when we were playing together in my school playground. From the way he spoke, he obviously was very intelligent. And I came to learn a shocking truth.

When Dane is "overwhelmed" (I forgot her exact words), his brain begins to shut down, and he is unable to complete his schoolwork for the whole day. And he will begin to act strangely and misbehave. And his teachers did not know how to deal with him. My interpretation is he was even ignored by his teachers, because they didn't know how to deal with him. I was steaming! How can they NOT KNOW how to handle him? They can't just ignore him, because his problems won't go away. She told me that out of 5 school days, he can only concentrate in school for 2 days. The rest... well, wasn't really productive.

I can't imagine the situation, because so far, Dane is just like any other nice kid, if you discount his peculiarities (which I really don't find peculiar at all). Off the top of my head, I can list some. As the playground is fenced, whenever the bouncy ball goes outside the playground, he begins to get uncomfortable and he requested me to bring the ball back in. And then, whenever he plays with the ball, he talks to the ball, asking it to come back. Despite my encouragement, he doesn't want to try the monkey bars. And of course, he doesn't make eye contact whenever he talks. His eyes wander everywhere but my eyes.

And I'm not really bothered by those, actually. If I didn't know he is autistic, I could have mistaken him as an ordinary, bright kid.

Anyway, I probably couldn't understand the difficulties the teachers faced as well when dealing with Dane as he wasn't in his best, and I haven't seen him at his worse time too. So erm, yeah...

You know, when Dane's mother mentioned that I'm his only true friend, I cannot help but feel really happy and important too. I have never felt important before, and I was really touched by her words and Dane's sincerity whenever we meet and have fun. I mean, I never imagined myself to be important in anyone's life at all! I'm like, wow! =O =D It makes me really happy, because I have at least a real purpose to exist. To make someone's life better. =)

Making a difference. I like it... Wow!

Man, I so love Dane! =D


On another matter, I feel as days pass by, I am getting closer and closer to this wonderful girl who is my close friend in school. Let's call her Miss Klutzy! ;) Yeap, I really like Miss Klutzy. Like on Monday when I got angry with my mom, she calmed me down by saying that my mom was looking out for me, and she was just doing her job. And I'm like, why am I so blinded by anger as to not see more than just the nagging? She's sincere, she's nice, she's pretty, she's awkward and she is so far from the woman of my dreams. But her personality, oh my, I fell in love with it! So full of love and happiness. And for a few days when we chatted online, we found out that we have a lot of common in our teenage angsts. The thing being she experienced it first because she is about 2 years my senior.

At first, her age kind of bothered me. I always thought a couple is an older man with a younger woman (to compensate men's late maturity =P). As time passes, it didn't bother me anymore because love knows no boundaries. LOL! I just hope that somehow, we will be more than just friends. But I'm keeping things slow for now. I don't want to set myself up for another disappointment, yet!

I have to stop here. It's getting late, and I have not finished my Theory of Knowledge assignment on writing a Maths poetry. Maths isn't my strong calibre, and I have zero interest in Maths. Not to mention our current Maths substitute teacher is bad beyond bad. I start to despise Maths now. I want our Maths teacher back. Never mind that she have just given birth! =P Hahaha!


Anyway, Model United Nations conference is coming up this weekend. I am extremely excited! =D I have prepared everything except tackling the flaws in my resolution, writing a speech supporting my resolution and printing out my online resources. I can't wait! However, I have difficulty countering points of information people shoot me. And I fear them because I always give illogical answers. I always answer in broken English because of my nervousness. *embarrassed* And thanks to nervousness, my brain conveniently decides to shut down, and I start to lose control. =( And the last time I participated in this, participants have been extremely mean and hypercritical. It was so depressing, because they don't even give a newcomer a chance to recuperate. =S

[+] There's more!

He swung by after school when she was taking care of toddlers, and he asked my friend out. Just like that, her dreams came true. I am extremely disappointed because it so happened I could not be there today because I had to attend a scholarship briefing (which was really boring by the way. I do not intend to apply for it because I am content with where I am now.). Arghhh! I am extremely frustrated that I missed the only opportunity to see love blossoming between two teenagers.

I am so happy for her because all this was, she had difficulty overcoming her shyness to talk to him, and she was hating herself for that. And then, he came and asked her out! Oh my gosh! It is like a fairytale! I simply couldn't believe what she typed in Windows Live Messenger. I'm like, no way! =D

As much as I am happy for her, I am a little bit jealous also. Hey, why isn't this happening to me? I like this girl and yet, I keep telling myself I need to take things slowly. Plus, she is erm... 2 years my senior. It's kind of weird, but all the same, it feels so right. I've been hanging out with her most of the time, and I have this hunch (no, I eavesdropped) that people in my year are gossiping that we are going out together, when we are not.

It's so confusing, and I really want to tell this to someone. But I still trust no one in my new school, except for her. I wish someone could understand the situation I am in. I busted Valentine's Day big time by not sending her candies. Oh, guess what? I didn't receive any gifts from anyone during Valentine's Day. Something went wrong with the delivery, lol! My friend also confessed she exaggerated the "secret admirer" part. I was quite let down that day.

Sometimes, I just want to sit down at the bench in a quiet park, and just hold her hands.

As she frequently speaks Mandarin, and her English needs a lot of polishing, I challenged her to speak only English throughout the whole day (except during her Mandarin lessons). I really hope she won't slip. If she is successful, I'll buy her lunch. =) If she is successful, I will give her a friendly hug and whisper into her ears, "I like you. You did it. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you." I want to make it a triumphant moment for her, so that she can always remember the day. =)

Okay, I seriously need to stop daydreaming. And I realised my writing generally has became more and more disjointed and incoherent. =(

Well, it's late. I need to sleep so that my brain is able to process thoughts during the early morning TOK lessons.

[+] There's more!

During lunchbreak, out of the blue, a friend told me that a secret admirer has sent me US$0.50 worth of chocolates which will be delivered to me early morning on Valentine's Day. I was shocked, and extremely ecstatic! Someone in my new school actually like me? =O

That is the best thing to have ever happened to me! My crazy dream actually came true! =D

Oh gosh. I cannot wait for Valentine's Day! Fine, I know how overrated that day is, and February 14 should never be celebrated. And how lovers are making too much of a fuss on this day. After knowing this, I've changed my belief. =P

I hope she sent me them. I really hope it will be her. But I don't think it is her since she didn't know how much they cost. Maybe it's her.

I feel bad to be a Don Juan and fancying two girls at the same time. =(

Ahhh! Two more days!

I just hope that friend isn't making a mountain out of a molehill. I really hope it isn't just a friendly gesture from a friend.

[+] There's more!

The school prom was held a few days ago. I was there, hoping that I will have a slim chance to know Mona Lisa better and get to dance with her. Unfortunately, it wasn't the perfect scene I envisioned after reading all those romance novels, i.e. Nicholas Sparks's =). On the contrary, I would say it was a total disaster! =(

I scored when I found an empty seat next to her. The table was mostly unoccupied anyway. It started off well. So we made small chit-chats and all to build up the hype that was to follow soon. =P Obviously, I can't immediately throw an engagement and propose, right? Okay, I think that is a bit over-exaggerated! The time seems to drag along. The fact that I have a Maths test the next day did not help much either. I was constantly worrying about logarithms, binomial expansions and topics that I would have covered had I not dropped Additional Maths, or came to my new school at the start of the semester.

There was a scrumptious buffet after that. The food was pretty good, which I expected since well, we are dining in the 5-star hotel. I did not manage to gobble a lot of the food as I was kind of bloated. And I was really looking forward to a slow dance with her too. Unfortunately, as the hours wore on, the idea never really materialised. I was crushed when I missed out the few opportunities, and I realised too late that it will never happen. Yeah, I did ask her for a dance at one point. Too bad we are both bad dancers. We left the dancing floor not too long after. We tried again later, but this time, we're dancing with a group of friends. She didn't seem to want to dance with me anymore.

As time goes by, the whole prom thing was getting tiring, repetitive and boring. There isn't much to do besides eating and dancing. It was boring. Nothing spectacular happened there. I knew it. I shouldn't have purchased a ticket. Social events like this always bore me, and I have no idea why. Sure, I was happy to see my friends having the time of their lives. I enjoyed it too, but pretty soon, everything seemed pretty pointless. =S

On the other hand, another drama unfurls somewhere outside the beach. It was nearing 10, and I did not have much time left. School was a killjoy. I wished I could stay a bit later and spend some more time with her, since it's probably the last time I will see her. You know, I was planning in my head to tell her of my feelings before we never see each other again. To come in, and then walk out. That sounds incredibly unfair and selfish but I really don't know what else to do. I just need to tell her.

So, I spent quite some time trying to look for her by the beach (the hotel is by the seashore). I tried to call her and text her with my new mobile phone. She picked up the phone the first time, but surprisingly, she didn't answer my text messages or my calls. I looked around the hotel grounds in vain. I was exhausted but I kept on looking, the urge to tell her was pressing. I finally found her sitting at the bench with some of her guy friends and having a great time. I was confused and lost. I did not know what to feel. There was relief, there was anger, there was despair, there was sadness and there was jealousy. =(

I approached her, and she nonchalantly said, "There you are!". I was baffled and asked her why she didn't answer my calls. She told me that she could not hear it. I was surprised, because how could she hear the first time. Was she snubbing me? It was hard to tell. I could feel my chances of success had suddenly slimmed. I politely asked her to walk with me in front of those guys (whom I instinctively disliked, not because they were hanging out with her). Sheesh, those guys can seriously ruin intimate moments. -.-" I can't believe they HAD TO FOLLOW her around wherever she goes with me. Damn. I felt like a pathetic lover.

I kept making small talks which slowly escalated to that "something big". Tonight, I thought, I will confess my feelings for her. Time flew by incredibly fast, and my mom was about to fetch me soon. We walked around, ended in deadends, and had to retrace our steps, with those goons following behind us. And she seemed to enjoy their lame and pathetic jokes. Come on! Aren't you getting my hints? Are you really that dense? Doesn't walking together, alone, doesn't mean something to you?

I actually had to drag her away. I had to stride quickly, hoping she was keeping up with me and lose those guys. When they were far back behind, I told her my feelings. It came out wrong. I instead asked her, "Hey Mona Lisa. [pause] Do you, erm, [pause] like me?"

"As a friend?"

"Yeah..."

"Of course."

"Erm, [pause] as something more? More than just friends?" I finally stuttered.

"No, sorry."

I was crushed. That was not turning out well at all. I gave the impression that I was rude, inconsiderate, and desperate for love. That wasn't the impression I want to portray. It was so wrong! How much worse can it go?

I hung my face low. I was not only disappointed, I also felt like a failure and a loser. There goes another crush who doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Why do I fall into the vortex of romance so easily? =( After a year and a half of liking her and really falling hard for her, this was how I was rewarded? Okay, you may think I am out of my mind and being overly optimistic, but I was secretly hoping to share my first kiss with her. At the beach under the beautiful moonlight, while the waves softly caress the beach. Happening at my favourite spot and fulfilling a crazy desire. Just the two of us.

Not surprisingly, that never happened at all. Man, I would be slapped if I got fresh with her like that after telling me she has no feelings for me at all. Nada. Zilch. I would also be labeled as a number one jerk too.

She explained that she wanted to concentrate on her studies. Her studies! =O I mean, gosh, we're not studying now (at least, she's not studying now) and she's already talking about the future? To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure myself how to go on with the relationship had she admitted she liked me. I don't think I am able to commit myself fully to her. Despite reading romance, I don't know how to progress from that point of "confession".

I think our love, should it happen, will be ephemeral. Our feelings will have dissolved by the end of next year. Because I won't be seeing her again.

In the end, logic prevailed. My emotions were too numb to guide me. I accepted the fact that she did not like me that way. Maybe she knows it was not good for either of us. I don't know. I feel so confused reflecting back that night. I don't think I will visit that hotel for a long time. Bad memories are now associated with it.

I told her that she was a special girl, without really stating the reason why. I'm not too sure what made her so attractive. Maybe it was her beauty. Maybe it was her voice. Maybe it was her kindness and grace. Maybe it was her being understanding. And she told me someone actually complimented her that way too. I didn't want to ask anymore questions. And I start to wonder what chances have I already got. As far as I am concerned, I don't think any special relationship is meant to happen anymore.

After that night, however, I'm not so sure anymore.

Right after our walk, we both went back into our own worlds. Friends greeted us and all (thank goodness they did not make any comments) and we went back into our own worlds. I quickly got out of mine while waiting for her to wrap things up before she walked me back to the lobby of the hotel. You know, I can't believe she forgot that I was there so quickly in a short span of time. Shouldn't she excuse herself from them so that she can go up with me? Or am I just a selfish jerk who seeks attention from the girl he fancies?

I gave her a friendly hug at the lobby, thanking her for a great time. I then headed for my car. I was hoping that when I turned back, she will still be there looking forlornly at me and smile for the last time. My Hollywood scene did not happen. When I turned back, she was gone. My smile evaporated. Sighing, I greeted my mom and left the place.

You know, while we were talking, she was asking me whether we can still be friends. Just like all the other girls. I gave her a positive response. I had a nagging feeling that this will be our last time together. Friendship seemed impossible.

Just now, I went to her blog and found a few pictures of her with a few guys. One of them was my best friend. I couldn't bear to see their faces and her together. I suddenly realised that I was still not over her! I also realised that my feelings for her was in vain. She never considered me to be that special. She never even asked to take a picture with me.

I was simply an acquaintance, nothing more. I freaked.

I'm walking out of her life, never returning again. I think it is best for me, and for her. A relationship is not meant to happen, I guess.

I guess this shows how faithful I am. =( I'm really worried...

I'm sorry... =(

But, I appreciate your honesty. It really showed me where we stood in the relationship. I respect your feelings. I know too well that for any relationship to work, feelings and love have to be reciprocated. However, thank you. You have made life sweeter and more interesting for me. All the best in everything. Till we meet again, if ever...

[+] There's more!

Oh my gosh, people! NEWSFLASH! *red alert*

She hinted on me!

Who?!

She! Mona Lisa!

Oh my god...

I feel like I'm on cloud nine. I can't believe even though my crush on her had faded away over time, she suddenly rekindled it with a spark. It was so effective, I'm falling for her again.

Or maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. It must be my imagination and misinterpretation. You guys be the judge when I tell you what happened, okay? =)

I have contemplated over the past few weeks on whether to purchase a ticket for prom night. I weighed the pros and the cons, and I decided on going. It's only US$24 , and sometimes eating out cost more than that, so why not? There's food, there's the dance floor and then there's her. Okay, quit it, that frolicsome kid! =) Anyway, I thought I could stay overnight in that beautiful 5 star hotel resort. I have been so looking forward to doing that. I totally do not deserve indulging myself in luxury, but temptation beckons. What the heck, I'll gladly oblige! =P More on that later.

So yes, I phoned my best friend early this morning and I got the ticket from him. I've told a few people about it, but not Mona Lisa. Some time later, she casually made a mention about prom. She was disappointed that I'm not going (she said it twice already, two days in a row! =O). When I told her I'm going, she laughed and celebrated. Then, she was bantering about me calling her last night and asking her to be my partner for the prom. I was like, "No, I didn't call you!". We both knew she was kidding.

I felt so embarrassed and so happy I think my cheeks were burning with fire and was lighting up the entire state. Not that anyone could see since it was daytime! =P I don't know whether I blushed or not, but I was acting really giddy and funny all inside. She kept saying that for a while though. I was like "Aww, shucks! No, I don't do that!" Even two of our friends coaxed me to go as her partner. I didn't know how serious they were and I don't want to find out.

Is she flirting with me? We're both single, lonely and we're going alone. It's only perfect if we go together. HEE HEE HEE! =D *chuckles*

I excused myself and ran to tell Warrior Princess all about it. She was ecstatic to hear it too! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! =D This cannot get any better.

After that, nothing spectacular happened. Well, I did pay a lot more attention to her today (or maybe because I wasn't doing any revision for English?). Not a lot as in constantly harassing her, but more than the usual (which is ignorance, haha! =P).

I think she rekindled my crush for her. And what more, she's reciprocating the "flirts" I gave her quite some time ago.

I'm starting to think this is becoming serious. My heart is doing somersaults, and I want to do the same. Except that I can't, or else I'll injure myself and then I can't even go to the prom.

Spring is so over, yet love is in the air. Hmm... I think I shouldn't think that far ahead. I'll see what happens on the real day itself. Let it be Judgement Day.

Man, this girl drives me crazy all of a sudden. I'm smiling a lot now and I like it. =) Total hotness, man!

Should I ask her out?

What a wrong time to ask such questions and what a wrong time it is to get swept off my feet! =D I think I can soar so high, I can touch the exosphere. I am like what the local Malays say, "dilamun oleh cinta".

...

Exosphere? Better get back to Geography! =O

P.S. I bet Warrior Princess is tsk-tsking right now. Hehe!

P.P.S. Yes, this thought currently supersedes all other thoughts at the moment. Well, let's hope the upcoming exams won't be affected too.

[+] There's more!

I have been thinking a lot about the previous post I have written. Towards the end, I reflected on the moment spent with a friend of mine. I have been thinking about where do I want exactly want to stand in the relationship, close-knit friendship or perhaps even something more. I shouldn't have spilled it to my keeper of secrets friend either. She was absolutely shocked when I told her via writing. To be honest, I felt really strange and weird (no, no, not the lovey-dovey flip flops, but more of a disgusted one).

I've been thinking about me and him, and to be honest, I would feel pretty unnatural about the whole complexities. I tried picturing it in my head, and I can't. It's not right for me. I tuned in to my inner thoughts, my subconscious me, and asked, "Is this what I really want?" He said no. And I understood. Because it isn't what I want. It's not right for me. I have confused between friendship and romance, and the boundary was somehow blurred. Besides, I really doubt he fancies me in an absolutely different way. He won't reciprocate my feelings. I bet he will flee as far away from me as possible.

I thought about it again over lunch. I don't think it will work out. I dislike that thought very much. I really do want to be close to him, but to be that close, no thanks! Too awkward, too strange, not right for us! Suddenly, the phrase "Do the right thing" rang in my head. And I think not taking any step further from friendship is exactly the right thing. It benefits the both of us.

The inner me smiled. =)

And it took only a day for me to clarify my feelings? Yeah, it seemed really fast but I had enough time to think. And this time, I feel comforted by that fact. I adhere to this quote by Grandmother Willow from Disney's Pocahontas:

Listen with your heart, you will understand.

- Grandmother Willow

[+] There's more!

Beware! This blog post is pretty text-heavy! Images will not accompany the text because I ran out of inspiration! Heehee!

Many pleasant events have taken place during the last few days. I feel really glad to experience them! =) Many of them deal with relationships. I just feel so loved and wanted. I'm really happy! I'm ecstatic to know I have many close friends. No, I don't mean a thousand or a million! =O Sure, I've got probably a few but that's plenty enough for me. Yahoo!

Before I delve into the subject of friendships, do you remember about the piano exam I had the other day? It turns out that it went quite well. It's definitely far from perfect, but I'm slightly optimistic about passing the exam! I'd still say that despite the fact that I had completely messed up my A1 exam piece (I murdered it! =P) due to nerves. *sigh* There were some slips in my scales, again due to nerves and carelessness.

But what I'm quite proud out is my accomplishment of sight-reading rather fluently! =D It's definitely much more easier than the normal practices my teacher drilled me in. There were minimal chords in it. I failed to obey the dynamics and the tempo but it came out decently. I'm really happy with it. And it is the first time I am actually hopeful that my sight-reading section can help pull my marks out. My aural however is a different story. I seriously have unmusical ears! =P I think I flunked my section. In one part of the aural, I was asked to sight-sing. I completely babbled random Do-Re-Mi notes. I wouldn't if the beat wasn't so fast! The examiner had already finished playing while I was still halfway singing in vain. =|

According to a friend, results will be released sometime next week. That's extremely fast and I hope he is really wrong! =P I hope the two years' work pays off. =)

I doubt I was actually concentrating in school that day itself. I spent half the day worrying about my exam while I spent the rest sharing my experience with my friends and simply rejoicing that I survived the ordeal. What an accomplishment! =D I won't be touching the piano for about a fortnight. No more playing the same three songs and scales over and over again. =D It drives me crazy!

That wasn't it on Monday. One of my close friends had a surprise for me - she announced to me that my birthday present was ready and she gave me after school. I was elated even though it was pretty early. Well, she told me it wouldn't be so nice to present me the present on my day itself since I'll be having an oral exam (what a bummer, huh?). I thanked her profusely and gladly accepted it. =)

To be honest, I wasn't thinking about it that much on the way home since I was too busy relieving the experience. However, as I approached home, I began to feel excited about opening the present. No, I wasn't patient enough to wait until my birthday. And why wait? =P Hee hee hee! So I opened. I really like her choice of gifts (note the plural). ;) They are really cute! I placed them in the respective places. However, one thing stood out among the paraphernalia. It wasn't expensive either, but to me, it is priceless.

A message.

Do you have any idea how I longed to get a message, an actual, physical message, from a friend (besides greeting cards)? No one has done that for a long time! I felt terribly touched by what she had written there, about how we became close together and some nice thank-you messages for me. But most importantly, how glad she is to have me as a friend. I could have cried if I were more sensitive. =) I mean, it really means a lot to me to hear that. It just makes me feel warm inside, comforted by the thought that I have a true friend. Well, honestly, I am glad to meet her and befriend her as well. Sure, we may have our differences. She may not be perfect. I'm not too. We overlooked our imperfections and concentrated on the good ones.

I'm so glad to have such a friend. =) Words themselves cannot describe my appreciation. Thank you for the message. It really made my day. And you have made me feel special in your eyes. =)

I will treasure that message in my memory box. Yes, I do have one! There really isn't much inside. It's mostly birthday cards, greetings and photos (which aren't many). Yeah, it's kind of my secret desire to receive meaningful messages from friends once in a while. Okay, it's not on the top of my wishlist. You know what I mean, right? Sometimes, when you're feeling down or bored, you'll just sift through your memory box or messages (or whatever really!) to remind yourself that you are special in someone's eyes. And those are really comforting facts.

Come Tuesday, I wasn't expecting anyone to divulge her secrets to me. I am not as close to this person as other close friends. The day before, I politely asked her for passwords to her secret blog posts in Wordpress since I'm quite "inquisitive" myself. ;) Hahaha! Anyway, I have not got a response from her until Tuesday afternoon (nor do I want to bring up the subject matter). So I went online and managed to catch her. She must be psychic that I wanted the passwords without me saying much except "Hi!". =O Then, I made a small comment regarding her blog posts. And well, I felt joyous to know that I am trustworthy enough to let her confide her secret. (I love secrets!)

She began to talk about her relationship problems with a certain guy. And she thinks it's girl talk. I don't think so! I think guys do talk about relationship problems too. At least I will. ;) So yes, we chatted. It was pretty interesting to listen to her problems. It wasn't so funny actually (well, she and I kept laughing probably because she made it sound quite hilarious). =P It was kind of weird to know that even though I eavesdropped that morning and overheard her best friend hinting on a certain someone. Truthfully, it sounds weird she have been liking that guy for quite a long time. I guess those are what you call secrets.

Pardon me for making a weird analogy to The Sims 2, but after being her listener to her secrets, it sort of boosted our relationship points by a lot. And I mean a lot! I think secrets are built upon a foundation of trust. And maybe as you know more about the person, the trust grows and people will forge really close together. It really reminds me of how I first divulged my crush to a mutual friend. Guess what? We're now really close and it has gone to the extend that I really trust her enough to let her in on this blog. We both now voraciously share secrets. It's really fun. But at the same time, it brings us even more closer together after gaining more understanding of each other. It's funny how secrets shared lead from one thing to another, huh? =)

You know, that next day, she told me that she too keep a secret diary which is shared among herself and her close friend. I was dumbfounded and even more when she told me I have actually seen the book before! It so does not look like a diary! =O So when I saw her this morning writing on it, I smiled. She smiled. We understood. =D It's really cool to know something which no one else knows! Hehehe! I'm sure she will agree when she reads this. =P

Anyway, today I had my oral exam today. English, to be exact. It went well. =) It was like having a tea with friends. Okay, that's a bit exaggerated, but it felt like a casual conversation. I was clearly nervous though. =S It was rather similar to my mock orals I had the other day. I think I owe that success to this blog! Seriously, I learned a lot from here on expressing myself better to people. I find it kind of enjoyable to say personal stuffs to strangers. It's like an amazing feeling! Really, I enjoyed it. The funny thing is that I was talking about this big dilemma which happened just recently when I got such a topic. It was very coincidental. I had no idea how such a confusing situation can serve as a base for my topic! Really! =P

The Malay orals, however, is a completely different story. The topics usually do not touch a personal level. And that is kind of disadvantageous to me, combined with the fact that I have yet to gain fluency in that language. This will come later anyway.

That morning during English, I cannot believe that I was commended on my Commonwealth essay. This is my first time to receive merit for my composition, and I'm terribly happy! I have always wished my Commonwealth essays were given some form of recognition and I finally got one. Yippee! =D Horray! Horray! *does a dance*

Biology today was a pretty sad period. Everyone have just gotten back their Paper 2s, and almost everyone wore a sad look. I wanted to claim half a mark actually due to marking errors but after combining my papers together, it doesn't make any difference to my average. Furthermore, it gives the impression to people that I'm a marks-eating monster who keeps on the lookout for marks. I feel really bad to claim more marks even when I'm the highest. I feel sorry for my friend above who got me the present as she hasn't done as well as she had thought. Furthermore, she has got gastric and I really don't want to further upset her. I shrugged it off since I feel bad whether or not I claim marks. I claimed later when I found out I could get an additional half a mark. This probably will influence my average, but I'm not bothered about recalculating it!

Sometimes, it's not easy to be the top in the class. People feel jealous. Okay, I admit, I feel jealous when my peers, especially my academic rivals, do better than me and I usually vow to get them back. However, my procrastinating habit sets me back and the vicious cycle of jealousy keeps on looping. =( Sometimes, I wish I could just accept the fact I'm never always the best. It would make my life easier a little bit.

During recess, while I was feasting on my beef rendang, something embarrassing happened! I was so freaked out by it. When I was pulling out my handkerchief from my pocket, a lip balm stick flew out and landed on the floor with a "Clink!", right in front of two Year 8 girls. My eyes widened in horror and my heart thumped really fast. I was silently cursing myself for being so careless and with my handkerchief, I quickly hid it and brought it into my pocket rather nonchalantly and continued reading the notice board. It was terribly embarrassing, whoever have heard of a guy carrying a lip stick in his pocket (that was the impression given! =( )? I need it because I have dry lips, but still. I bet they were gossiping next to me while I found a distraction. Why hadn't I go away? =O

Anyway, after school, before my orals, I hung out with a guy friend of mine. I enjoyed talking to him. When I saw him looking at the notice board at the foyer with bored look, I invited him to eat with me in class. So we did, and we were in class alone enjoying our food. I don't really remember what we talked about though. I just enjoyed the moment. You know, I really want to go out and have some fun with him. So I hinted (Lol!) that we eat at a local Japanese restaurant when we have our next orals, since school lets out early due to the Ramadhan fasting month for the Muslims. And he said he will think about it.

After that, we just wandered around the school courtyard since the library was closed. Then we met the examiners and I was kind of scared when I saw one of them was a native speaker. I was kind of afraid I wouldn't be able to understand what he says. I was acting strangely nervous when he spoke to me. Sheesh, the exam has not even started and I already gave a bad impression. =O

So anyway, after chilling out, we went up to the examination hall with the others. The exam started rather early, so before it started, my friend went to look for a toilet to gel his hair. I mean, is that necessary? =P Okay, so we found a small toilet in the top floor and we both went in and he gelled his hair.

"What am I rambling? Why are you telling me such a boring story about you and him?", you may ask. Guys, I know this sounds really, really strange. Should I really go on? I think I better continue the story. So we both went in, and he gelled his hair. My heart pounded as we went in and I began to ramble nonsense and ask stupid questions. Like "I don't know how to gel my hair. How do you gel yours?"

You may think I'm insane and crazy to suddenly be so unlike me. I don't know guys, but I think of this fellow in a ... different way. I don't know why I feel like this. Normally, when I hang out with a bunch of guys, I don't feel giddy and funny. Somehow, I was like that. I really don't know. I'm so confused. No, I don't want to be orientated differently from the rest. It's not doing me any good. I like girls, as you can see from my crushes.

I don't normally get nervous when I talk to him. Maybe a couple of times, I feel strange but it wasn't as bad as just now. It's just ... so wrong, I tell you! He's really ... I don't know. Just catches my fancy. I have no idea why either. It was a pretty awkward moment for me. Oh my gosh, I just don't know!

And he usually copies my homework too!

Am I confusing between friendship and romance? I think I am. Maybe I just want to know him better as a friend. Like be close, but not that close. Or maybe I just want something more than being just close friend, or even a best friend... Hmm...?

NO WAY!!!! =O

Whatever it is, I really hope this feeling will pass. And I have absolutely no intent in telling him this. There is no way I'm going to jeopardise our friendship just because of my confusion. I'll keep it to myself, and with you guys.

This is so confusing and illogical. I wish I could be just like an ordinary teenage boy at times. Sorry if that kind of thing turns you off.

By the way, I just want to apologise for not living up to the purpose of my blog recently. It's just that I'm tired and there really isn't much going on nowadays. Furthermore, I'll be too pooped from a long day at school. I really hope you guys understand. I'm really sorry...

[+] There's more!

No, I absolutely refuse to believe it! =O She, Mona Lisa, "backstabbed" her childhood friend who is now overseas. According to the backstabbed friend, she asserted in her blog that Mona Lisa is spreading rumours about her among her friends (?). I am quite vague about whether the rumour is supposedly positive or negative as I have read both parties' blog posts and each has told her different stories from their individual viewpoints.

I came to know about the friction in their friendship when the backstabee blogged about how she came to know of the rumours from her friends back here when they heard these rumours and gossips regarding her from the backstabber. She posted it only the last week and I didn't think too much of it. Maybe because it's just my nature not to get involved in people's businesses although deep inside me, I felt sorry that she was victimised and I was quite angry with the backstabber (I didn't know Mona Lisa was the "criminal" behind it for she wasn't mean enough to stoop down so low to reveal her name) for what she had done to her friend. Besides, I didn't know the whole story and I don't think I left a comment regarding the matter seeing that I didn't know what actually happened.

This morning, a close friend of mine approached me and asked whether I have read the backstabee's blog post or not. I shook my head feverishly since I was busy modding the Sims 2 yesterday. I was surprised to find out that the backstabee finally revealed the person who started the rumours in her blog post and technically, she wrote an accusative post. I did wonder why she was telling me this and in such a urgent tone too. I wanted to get her name so that there would not be any surprises for me but this close friend of mine refused to reveal it to me.

Naturally, I was very curious at that stage. The subject matter wasn't really brought up until the last period. It wasn't right until the minute before school lets out then I somehow guessed the rumours spreader (she did left clues here and there) and as much as I was shocked to learn that, she was too last night. Really now, of all people!

I wished she was cracking a horrible joke but she wasn't. It was like a nightmare coming true! =( It was like some prophecy was fulfilled! (Okay, maybe I watched too much cartoons! =P) It wasn't until a long time later that I can finally accept that she really did do it. I needed to see the blog post myself to fully satisfy myself, and unfortunately, I wasn't able to get home until nearly 5 pm as I had to involve myself in some school activities.

When I saw the backstabee's blog post myself, I was flabbergasted, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded (you name the synonyms, I have them!). Mona Lisa's full name was printed in bold, capital letters and there was no denying it - it is indeed her! Emotions began to surge through and conflict in my soul. The happy world I had submerged myself in suddenly dissipated. All that was left was a desolate landscape full of hurt, dejectedness and sadness. Suddenly, I welled up into silent anger that was quickly repressed and replaced by sadness and longing.

Is she nothing but a deception? Doubts rushed into my brain. She seemed so nice, so sweet, so kind, so...humanly. And now, the victim thinks she lacks the humanly qualities because Mona Lisa has spread unjustifiable rumours about her. One thing that strikes me the most is that this isn't her first time apparently. She has done it over and over again to her. I can sort of justify her ruthless action if it was her first time, but apparently it wasn't. I guess that is where the trouble stems.

She then went on to talk about the way she begs for sympathy so that she can gain the attention from others. You know, I never thought of it that way until she said it. I wish I can just go up to her and say, "You're lying!" but I don't think she is. I've known her for a few years as an acquaintance and I can safely say that the backstabee isn't the kind who fibs and fabricates stories. She's an honest girl.

Come to think of it, somehow it made some sort of sick sense. I still remember the other day that Mona Lisa asked whether she had done well in a speech competition. She was uncertain with her performance and thought she did badly when in fact, she did well! So she asked for my opinion and I assured her that she was fine. Maybe this is a pretty poor illustration since I do do that too (when I don't feel confident). Her friend gave a few other examples too and when I come to think about it, I realised that they make sense.

So, is she a two-faced person? An angelic demon? I honestly don't know and I can't make a sound judgement because I only got seriously acquainted with her in the third quarter of last year. Even though I have a crush on her, I honestly don't know her much yet.

It is really creepy come to think about it if she really has an evil alter ego. It is very cruel to masquerade as the nice guy and playing with my emotions and others as well to do her every bidding to achieve a selfish motive. I really cannot bring myself to think of her that way. That thought itself creeps me out.

I decided to take a trip to Mona Lisa's blog and see what she has to say. She started by saying that it is sad that people view her as a goodie-goodie two shoes. I was startled when I read her remark and I was deeply disturbed, because I always thought of her as a perpetually nice lass. She then admitted that she had spread rumours, backstabbed people and whatnot before. Another shock for me because I have never thought of her as that kind of person.

So she went on and apologized to the backstabee for talking behind her back but since the rumour was vague, she originally intended it to be positive, and not what the backstabee thought as negative. She then went on to lament about her innocence which sadly, I can't remember much. She did say something about how this wasn't the first time she was blamed for backstabbing though. I have tried accessing her blog just now but it seemed like she had taken it off the Internet a few hours ago. I really don't know why she did it, but it gave me the impression that she was the guilty party.

Who's right now? Who's wrong now?

Oh, I hate these moments! I honestly don't know anymore; I can't judge the situation because I do not know what had actually happened and I don't really know these two people inside out. Whose side should I support? The acquaintance who knows what she is talking about, or my crush who claims that she is innocent and somehow, her intended message were misinterpreted by people?

They both gave their stories. It's really up to me to believe one of their side of the story. I can't do it! I can't tell the truth from lies. Oh dear! =(

Why must this suddenly happen? I really don't know what to do now! My perception of Mona Lisa has completely changed. There goes another crush. There is no happy ending with my crushes at all! =(

[+] There's more!

I did not forget what I said in this blog post regarding a blog post to be done on my crushes. So, here it is and witness yourself how each and every one of them did not blossom into love. =P

Disclaimer: They are not accurate descriptions as my memories are vague. Names have been changed into comical ones (not meant to be insulting ;) ). It's okay to laugh at them! ;) This is done to protect their identity, and mine...

Now let's rewind back to when I was in Year 3 (about 8 years ago!) and imagine me as a little kid with a squeaky voice. A naive little me (and I still am, except I'm not little anymore)! That was when I have my first girlfriend. Yep, at the teeny weeny age of 8 or 9 years old, and I already have got one. Cheeky me! =P Note that I have yet to grasp the concept of love, so despite the "boyfriend-girlfriend" status, I now realise it was just only a crush. =)

Carrot, my first "girlfriend". I still remember her really fair skin and spectacles. *whistle* She was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. Her beauty is further enhanced by her sweet, good-nature, kind and cute characteristic. I love to talk to her; I remember my heart doing flip-flops when I neared her.

Of course, we shared some fun times doing unromantic stuffs. Just plain, friendly stuffs. Nothing too mushy because I didn't know how to flirt! =P I tried to make it special though.

So, one day, people noticed our closeness together and they began to label us as a couple. I think it was that, or I told people that she is my new "girlfriend". Of course, news spreads fast and soon the people in the same level as me know about the love affair I was having. I was happy. So that is what our relationship is called. A boyfriend-girlfriend one!

The next year, things got worse. We were split up into different classes and we don't talk to each other since. Unfortunately, people think that we still are going steady and the boyfriend-girlfriend became insults. We have since then been labeled like that. Looking back, I was really sorry that I have to tell everyone about it! It got to the point of annoyance, that I snapped every time they say that. I think that was what they want to see. My scrounging my face up trying to deny them when I still like her.

And I stopped seeing her. It was easy since she was in a different class. And my "love" to her slowly died down. We still see each other once in a while but not for long, because people will spot us and they will begin taunting us. It was that bad.

It went on through my whole primary years. Thank goodness I transferred myself into another school. I was starting to dislike most of the people there. The aforementioned one was part of the reason. Another one is that they don't accept me as who I am.

I was weird. A victim. I was always the bullies' victim. I have so-called "friends" there who took advantage of me. Things changed in Year 5 though. I suddenly became the top student of my class. Guess what? The insults hurled to me suddenly diminished.

Okay, I'm getting a little sidetracked here. That will be another story to tell. *chuckle*

Now, Carrot and I are still good friends even though we're both in different schools already. We kept in touch once in a while through instant messenger and our blogs. It's one of the friendships I value a lot even though we both don't really talk to each other now.

Year 6. I had a crush on my rival. The top student of the class while I was following close behind her. Her intelligence and mystery aura intrigued me. I was having a big crush on her. And I told my seat mate, again! =P Word spreads fast among her friends. Thankfully. At least it wasn't that well known.

I remember I was walking together with my classmates back to class after P.E. A friend of mine and hers caught up with me and she told me discreetly, "Do you know Suzuki likes you as well?" I was more than delighted! I think I was skipping all the way back to my class. And I never looked at her the same way again.

I began to notice her looking at me in an affectionate way. It's either that, or my imagination is forcing me to hallucinate things. I fell for her quite hard but I never expressed it to her. I was really scared of being rejected (I still am!). =(

Of course, being fierce academic rivals, I told her my marks in tests. =P Sometimes, I don't though. It's too bad my crush on her didn't go far. After I graduated from primary school, I moved to another school to begin my secondary years.

Year 7. I have a crush on Margarine, a good sports athlete in my class. She was a nice and genuine person. Guess what? One of my friends had a crush on her too! -.-" But he was rejected, followed by me. I confessed my feelings to her online on MSN Messenger. She was shocked to hear and she asked me why.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure what I told her and I forgot why I like her. Margarine's reply was "I don't love you, but you are like a brother to me.". What else can I say? At least I know we're still friends. That's better than nothing. My crush on her immediately disappeared. I don't really talk to her anymore, though.

Year 8. I think I told you guys this one; I mentioned about her, Akazukin ChaCha, on a previous blog post. How was I attracted to her. Again, her intelligence and beauty. She was fairly beautiful herself but boy, was she the fussiest and demanding person I have ever met! She has some good qualities which drew me to her.

Hahahaha, and my best friend and another guy in his senior years have a crush on her as well. =S

So anyway, one day, I told my best friend to follow me to the library. She was doing an assignment in class during recess before the "big confession". I drew her to a secluded corner and I told her "I like/love you" (I can't remember the exact word I used). And she ran off! Wasn't that an immediate rejection already (again)?

I went out gloomily with my friend who witnessed the whole thing by my invitation. I felt bad about myself. Did I scare her away like that? It was horribly scary, I didn't dare to see her again.

Somehow, we wound up being normal again, talking to each other like friends. There are quite a number of times when she asked me to "help her" in her homework and some other stuffs. Why should I help her with her homework when she is the Top 1 student in the entire level? It's really odd, don't you think?

That's how my crush ended. I told myself to take our relationships to a higher level again. I don't think I can stand it. It was much, much later when she got into a romance problem herself when she transferred into another school. There's this guy a few years her junior who fell in love with her at first sight and he immediately dumped his girlfriend at that time for her? Can you believe it? What a jerk! He didn't even know Akazukin ChaCha didn't even like him. And she felt that she couldn't escape from his love. She felt helpless despite me telling her that she has every right to "break up" with him.

And she asked me, "Can you be my boyfriend?"

Isn't the answer a resounding no? Why tell me that you like me after 2 years of no response from you? Sorry girlfriend, but I already have moved on. =( So yeah, we talked a bit about our previous relationships and that's it. I blocked her online. I know that was very mean of me, but I honestly don't know what else to do.

Today, I am still a "bachelor" wandering about like a lost vagabond with no directions. Hahahaha =P. Well, recently last year, I have a crush on one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen and a very devoted Christian. Let's call her Mona Lisa. =P



She's not outstandingly beautiful, but to me, she's like an angel. Kind, soft, sweet, nice... She's just awesome. I don't know whether she knows I like her or not. This time I am being very careful now. I told no one about this except a mutual friend of mine, and to you all. I don't know, but somehow, I can find a hint of myself in her. It's kind of odd but you know the feeling when you meet someone and you two instantly clicked together for some odd reason? Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.

I saw her already last time when I first joined Taekwondo Club in my school. She was just only the girl next door at that time. I cannot believe she ended up becoming someone who I like. =)

You know, she was the only person who I dared to look into her deep, brown eyes and who I find myself staring at her everytime without her knowledge. I don't know, but her eyes told me a lot about her. She has a beautiful soul. And I knew it very well. It's too bad I can't describe it in words. =(

My crush on her is dwindling at the moment since I haven't seen her for a very long time. Hopefully, it might rekindle when I get back to school. =P Honestly, I don't know how to take our relationship to a higher level. I don't know how to "flirt", honestly, even though I hang out with girls (!) most of the time. I just treat them as my friends and some as something even special. ;)

Anyone has tips for me? =P Heeheehee... ;) I guess just being myself is okay enough already.

Should I say this? Maybe I shouldn't. It's going to be embarrassing. And I'm not even sure whether it is wise for me to say it.

............

I think some may even hate me for this...=(

Are you ready?

............

No I'm not. Sorry for the suspense. I really don't think I should reveal it now. It's a very dark, hidden secret of mine which even I myself cannot really understand and conclude.

Maybe next time......Sorry! But I hope you enjoyed this post from a guy who has yet to find his true love. Hahaha! =P

[+] There's more!

I'm kind of peeved that the web browsers in my PC kept on crashing for no reason, and thus the blog post that I have written is lost forever. And I have to retype everything again. Luckily, I didn't say much over there. Let's hope my mom's laptop I'm using now can last.

I'm sorry for not blogging for about a week or so. I wasn't home from Wednesday to Saturday as I went out of country to Sabah for a school holiday excursion trip. It was really fun. And for these past few days, I wasn't really in a mood to blog nor even bother to complete my 50 000 worded novel. That's bad. I feel so unmotivated to come back and find out that I'm already a few thousand words behind the recommended milestone I should achieve, and now it's getting worse. I'm already 10 000 words behind! It's frustrating really, and November is about to reach its 3rd week.

In this blog post, I want to vent out some of the frustrations I had yesterday from chatting with a certain girl. I shall give you some background knowledge on her. Two years ago, I had had quite a crush on this girl and set up a rendezvous with her at the library. In the presence of my best friend (I brought him along to give me moral support), I told her I like her, and she fled the scene. And I was heartbroken of course, as I took it as a sign that she didn't fancy me. So gradually, my feelings towards her slowly dwindle down even though we still remain as friends.

This year, she moved to another school and I remained in my school happily living my life. It was only a few months ago that she IM-ed me, finally telling me that she did indeed like me, but it was really too late for me, us to do anything because I totally have no more feelings for her. I appreciate the fact that she found the courage to tell me after all these years but I wonder what her intention was. She told me all this after she poured over her dilemma to me, saying that some guy 2 years younger than her fancied her, even loved her (talk about instant romance development). So she asked me for advice and I couldn't really give any proper ones because I have never ever experienced having a girlfriend yet. I do have a couple of crushes, but somehow, nothing work (I'm doomed to be a bachelor LOL!).

So I told her to dump him asap, seeing that she doesn't even like that guy and doesn't even know him that well(she knew him through her friend's friend). I really don't know why but she obligingly stuck by to him for a couple of months as she dare not break up with him although I have told her countless times to do so. She kept updating me with the news of how she was still with him and to be honest, I really am bored with hearing it and told her the same thing: break up with him.

She finally did recently, but the poor lovesick boy pestered her by miss calling her. It's sad, really. I wonder if he got the message that the girl doesn't like him. It takes two hands to clap, you know. Yesterday, she went on to tell me how busy she is now after her exams; she took part in many many academic competitions because she wanted her "sports house to win". I admit that it sound really impressive, although deep inside me I was jealous of her. You see, we used to be academic rivals. She took the top spot of the class while I am just behind her.

She got herself into such a busy mess, right? So why, oh why, does she have to rely on me to give her the points for her debate and her speech? I don't get it, she IS indeed smarter than me, so why does she rely on me instead of herself? I know I sound like a selfish guy and not being a very good altruist, but hey, I think she doesn't want to move that big brain of hers up there. Ha, you know what's worse? She decided to call me this Sunday (or some day) and expect answers from me. Whoah, that's getting a little bit too much ma'am!

I don't know why this time, she didn't want to pester other people besides me. I have noticed that she had started to take advantage of me last year (although not as much as others) by copying my homework, asking for help and do her academical whims and whams. Is it because she still thinks I am in love with her? No way, no more!

Okay, this sucks. I don't even know what I'm rambling about. I just don't want to help her at all, since it's her problem not mine! I might help her a little bit if only she already has come up with points and wants my suggestions for more.

In the end, we came to that "agreement" and I closed the chat window. I was busy chatting with some other friends online when suddenly, her window popped up, saying "HEY DARLING, PLEASE HELP ME!" I should be flattered, but I'm more grossed out and I feel even more compelled to not help her. So I was about to tell her off when she said that it was her friend who typed. I was pretty much enraged, but I kept those to myself. First of all, why does she tell her friend who I don't know that she used to like a guy who liked her? Her friend even called me by my name. And her friend went on to ask me what my fancy MSN handle means when I sort of ignored her because I don't get what she was talking about. Arrogantly, she quickly concluded that I don't even know what it means. Hello? I know what it means okay, I just don't get what you're typing! I felt such like an idiot, and was about to ignore both of them when she said bye. So bye, *@#$%!

What am I supposed to do when she calls me? Ignore her? Help her? Say "I havent't thought of anything yet?" (planning to use this excuse)? Arghhh, I'm so frustrated! Since when has her debate became my debate. I feel like a fool. And then on that day itself, her pleading voice might swoon me all over again.

Maybe it's the holiday bug that bit me.

Or not.

I don't feel like getting involve with her life anymore. I know that's pretty mean and drastic and she didn't do anything to "hurt" me. I don't know. Somehow, deep inside me, I just dislike her...

I hope she wouldn't keep to her word and so don't call me. Or even worse, come to my house and ask for help. I would not answer the door but my mom would be there and she will make me entertain and help my guests.

This is stupid...Help?

[+] There's more!