I feel like I'm the luckiest man alive. I told my crush about my problems with my piano right now, and well, we just shared our piano horror stories and she told me why she is still doing it for the IB. She listened to my problems (and lame whines) attentively and she advised me on how to approach my piano teacher and tell her that I simply can do piano, at least for the time being. I'm just too overwhelmed by the sheer difficulty of Grade 8.

From there, I confessed to her my other "hidden" talents and skills (I don't usually tell people these, because I don't want them to expect too much from me). She told me hers as well, as well as a secret of hers - she suffered from depression and bipolar disorder. I was really shocked to hear that, because I always known her as Miss Smiley. Just right then, I want to hug her and comfort her, for being strong in going through such a difficult period.

We had a heart-to-heart conversation which I never have with anyone at all, except Princess Warrior. =P Seriously, I opened a bit of my inner self to her, and she did the same as well. And I realised, this is what real, close friends do. Not ask about shallow things like "How are you?" and that's it, or selfishly keeping secrets to yourself.

In a rare time like this, I feel liberated.

[+] There's more!

So much things have happened over these past few days. On Monday, my mom and that hypocritical "bossy" friend have annoyed me to a point of no return, and my mood was extremely foul for that entire day. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Anyway, on a happier note, the CAS element of IB has given me a wonderful insight into children. Although I would have been exhausted after a really long day of school, I enjoyed playing with them! Seriously, they are so awesome. I'm quite proud of myself for being involved in their lives and enriching their childhood, especially the autistic kid I'm taking care of. Let's call him Dane. Last Friday, when Dane was going home, her mother confided with me about Dane's sad situation in his school.

As Dane's friend, I noticed that unlike other kids, he is extremely smart and he sees the world in an entirely different perspective compared to other kids. He is naturally inquisitive, and very chatty! =D It wasn't until my crush asked me whether he was a prodigy when his mother told me about Dane's high intelligence. I reflected on her words and realised that he could be one. However, his enthusiasm for knowledge scares off other kids his age, and his mom told me he was always bullied in school.

I flashed back and remembered the time when Dane told me he was bullied in his school. I didn't think too much about it (stupid me!) because I thought maybe his friends were just having a day of fun. I was a bit concerned, but I didn't raise that concern to his mom. Oh man, I am mad with myself for keeping quiet! >.<

Anyway, his mom on Friday confirmed that it is a recurring problem. Dane has no real friends in school at all, and I thought, how can children be so cruel to someone who is different? =( He did have a friend once, but he has since moved to our school. So his mom began to thank me for taking good care of Dane, because I was not only helping him to overcome his autism, I was also his only friend. I was in shock, because I thought Dane has a few friends in school.

She then told me that Dane was struggling in school. I looked at her with wide eyes and questioned that possibility. I mean, he was a very bright and chatty fellow when we were playing together in my school playground. From the way he spoke, he obviously was very intelligent. And I came to learn a shocking truth.

When Dane is "overwhelmed" (I forgot her exact words), his brain begins to shut down, and he is unable to complete his schoolwork for the whole day. And he will begin to act strangely and misbehave. And his teachers did not know how to deal with him. My interpretation is he was even ignored by his teachers, because they didn't know how to deal with him. I was steaming! How can they NOT KNOW how to handle him? They can't just ignore him, because his problems won't go away. She told me that out of 5 school days, he can only concentrate in school for 2 days. The rest... well, wasn't really productive.

I can't imagine the situation, because so far, Dane is just like any other nice kid, if you discount his peculiarities (which I really don't find peculiar at all). Off the top of my head, I can list some. As the playground is fenced, whenever the bouncy ball goes outside the playground, he begins to get uncomfortable and he requested me to bring the ball back in. And then, whenever he plays with the ball, he talks to the ball, asking it to come back. Despite my encouragement, he doesn't want to try the monkey bars. And of course, he doesn't make eye contact whenever he talks. His eyes wander everywhere but my eyes.

And I'm not really bothered by those, actually. If I didn't know he is autistic, I could have mistaken him as an ordinary, bright kid.

Anyway, I probably couldn't understand the difficulties the teachers faced as well when dealing with Dane as he wasn't in his best, and I haven't seen him at his worse time too. So erm, yeah...

You know, when Dane's mother mentioned that I'm his only true friend, I cannot help but feel really happy and important too. I have never felt important before, and I was really touched by her words and Dane's sincerity whenever we meet and have fun. I mean, I never imagined myself to be important in anyone's life at all! I'm like, wow! =O =D It makes me really happy, because I have at least a real purpose to exist. To make someone's life better. =)

Making a difference. I like it... Wow!

Man, I so love Dane! =D


On another matter, I feel as days pass by, I am getting closer and closer to this wonderful girl who is my close friend in school. Let's call her Miss Klutzy! ;) Yeap, I really like Miss Klutzy. Like on Monday when I got angry with my mom, she calmed me down by saying that my mom was looking out for me, and she was just doing her job. And I'm like, why am I so blinded by anger as to not see more than just the nagging? She's sincere, she's nice, she's pretty, she's awkward and she is so far from the woman of my dreams. But her personality, oh my, I fell in love with it! So full of love and happiness. And for a few days when we chatted online, we found out that we have a lot of common in our teenage angsts. The thing being she experienced it first because she is about 2 years my senior.

At first, her age kind of bothered me. I always thought a couple is an older man with a younger woman (to compensate men's late maturity =P). As time passes, it didn't bother me anymore because love knows no boundaries. LOL! I just hope that somehow, we will be more than just friends. But I'm keeping things slow for now. I don't want to set myself up for another disappointment, yet!

I have to stop here. It's getting late, and I have not finished my Theory of Knowledge assignment on writing a Maths poetry. Maths isn't my strong calibre, and I have zero interest in Maths. Not to mention our current Maths substitute teacher is bad beyond bad. I start to despise Maths now. I want our Maths teacher back. Never mind that she have just given birth! =P Hahaha!


Anyway, Model United Nations conference is coming up this weekend. I am extremely excited! =D I have prepared everything except tackling the flaws in my resolution, writing a speech supporting my resolution and printing out my online resources. I can't wait! However, I have difficulty countering points of information people shoot me. And I fear them because I always give illogical answers. I always answer in broken English because of my nervousness. *embarrassed* And thanks to nervousness, my brain conveniently decides to shut down, and I start to lose control. =( And the last time I participated in this, participants have been extremely mean and hypercritical. It was so depressing, because they don't even give a newcomer a chance to recuperate. =S

[+] There's more!

The school prom was held a few days ago. I was there, hoping that I will have a slim chance to know Mona Lisa better and get to dance with her. Unfortunately, it wasn't the perfect scene I envisioned after reading all those romance novels, i.e. Nicholas Sparks's =). On the contrary, I would say it was a total disaster! =(

I scored when I found an empty seat next to her. The table was mostly unoccupied anyway. It started off well. So we made small chit-chats and all to build up the hype that was to follow soon. =P Obviously, I can't immediately throw an engagement and propose, right? Okay, I think that is a bit over-exaggerated! The time seems to drag along. The fact that I have a Maths test the next day did not help much either. I was constantly worrying about logarithms, binomial expansions and topics that I would have covered had I not dropped Additional Maths, or came to my new school at the start of the semester.

There was a scrumptious buffet after that. The food was pretty good, which I expected since well, we are dining in the 5-star hotel. I did not manage to gobble a lot of the food as I was kind of bloated. And I was really looking forward to a slow dance with her too. Unfortunately, as the hours wore on, the idea never really materialised. I was crushed when I missed out the few opportunities, and I realised too late that it will never happen. Yeah, I did ask her for a dance at one point. Too bad we are both bad dancers. We left the dancing floor not too long after. We tried again later, but this time, we're dancing with a group of friends. She didn't seem to want to dance with me anymore.

As time goes by, the whole prom thing was getting tiring, repetitive and boring. There isn't much to do besides eating and dancing. It was boring. Nothing spectacular happened there. I knew it. I shouldn't have purchased a ticket. Social events like this always bore me, and I have no idea why. Sure, I was happy to see my friends having the time of their lives. I enjoyed it too, but pretty soon, everything seemed pretty pointless. =S

On the other hand, another drama unfurls somewhere outside the beach. It was nearing 10, and I did not have much time left. School was a killjoy. I wished I could stay a bit later and spend some more time with her, since it's probably the last time I will see her. You know, I was planning in my head to tell her of my feelings before we never see each other again. To come in, and then walk out. That sounds incredibly unfair and selfish but I really don't know what else to do. I just need to tell her.

So, I spent quite some time trying to look for her by the beach (the hotel is by the seashore). I tried to call her and text her with my new mobile phone. She picked up the phone the first time, but surprisingly, she didn't answer my text messages or my calls. I looked around the hotel grounds in vain. I was exhausted but I kept on looking, the urge to tell her was pressing. I finally found her sitting at the bench with some of her guy friends and having a great time. I was confused and lost. I did not know what to feel. There was relief, there was anger, there was despair, there was sadness and there was jealousy. =(

I approached her, and she nonchalantly said, "There you are!". I was baffled and asked her why she didn't answer my calls. She told me that she could not hear it. I was surprised, because how could she hear the first time. Was she snubbing me? It was hard to tell. I could feel my chances of success had suddenly slimmed. I politely asked her to walk with me in front of those guys (whom I instinctively disliked, not because they were hanging out with her). Sheesh, those guys can seriously ruin intimate moments. -.-" I can't believe they HAD TO FOLLOW her around wherever she goes with me. Damn. I felt like a pathetic lover.

I kept making small talks which slowly escalated to that "something big". Tonight, I thought, I will confess my feelings for her. Time flew by incredibly fast, and my mom was about to fetch me soon. We walked around, ended in deadends, and had to retrace our steps, with those goons following behind us. And she seemed to enjoy their lame and pathetic jokes. Come on! Aren't you getting my hints? Are you really that dense? Doesn't walking together, alone, doesn't mean something to you?

I actually had to drag her away. I had to stride quickly, hoping she was keeping up with me and lose those guys. When they were far back behind, I told her my feelings. It came out wrong. I instead asked her, "Hey Mona Lisa. [pause] Do you, erm, [pause] like me?"

"As a friend?"

"Yeah..."

"Of course."

"Erm, [pause] as something more? More than just friends?" I finally stuttered.

"No, sorry."

I was crushed. That was not turning out well at all. I gave the impression that I was rude, inconsiderate, and desperate for love. That wasn't the impression I want to portray. It was so wrong! How much worse can it go?

I hung my face low. I was not only disappointed, I also felt like a failure and a loser. There goes another crush who doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Why do I fall into the vortex of romance so easily? =( After a year and a half of liking her and really falling hard for her, this was how I was rewarded? Okay, you may think I am out of my mind and being overly optimistic, but I was secretly hoping to share my first kiss with her. At the beach under the beautiful moonlight, while the waves softly caress the beach. Happening at my favourite spot and fulfilling a crazy desire. Just the two of us.

Not surprisingly, that never happened at all. Man, I would be slapped if I got fresh with her like that after telling me she has no feelings for me at all. Nada. Zilch. I would also be labeled as a number one jerk too.

She explained that she wanted to concentrate on her studies. Her studies! =O I mean, gosh, we're not studying now (at least, she's not studying now) and she's already talking about the future? To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure myself how to go on with the relationship had she admitted she liked me. I don't think I am able to commit myself fully to her. Despite reading romance, I don't know how to progress from that point of "confession".

I think our love, should it happen, will be ephemeral. Our feelings will have dissolved by the end of next year. Because I won't be seeing her again.

In the end, logic prevailed. My emotions were too numb to guide me. I accepted the fact that she did not like me that way. Maybe she knows it was not good for either of us. I don't know. I feel so confused reflecting back that night. I don't think I will visit that hotel for a long time. Bad memories are now associated with it.

I told her that she was a special girl, without really stating the reason why. I'm not too sure what made her so attractive. Maybe it was her beauty. Maybe it was her voice. Maybe it was her kindness and grace. Maybe it was her being understanding. And she told me someone actually complimented her that way too. I didn't want to ask anymore questions. And I start to wonder what chances have I already got. As far as I am concerned, I don't think any special relationship is meant to happen anymore.

After that night, however, I'm not so sure anymore.

Right after our walk, we both went back into our own worlds. Friends greeted us and all (thank goodness they did not make any comments) and we went back into our own worlds. I quickly got out of mine while waiting for her to wrap things up before she walked me back to the lobby of the hotel. You know, I can't believe she forgot that I was there so quickly in a short span of time. Shouldn't she excuse herself from them so that she can go up with me? Or am I just a selfish jerk who seeks attention from the girl he fancies?

I gave her a friendly hug at the lobby, thanking her for a great time. I then headed for my car. I was hoping that when I turned back, she will still be there looking forlornly at me and smile for the last time. My Hollywood scene did not happen. When I turned back, she was gone. My smile evaporated. Sighing, I greeted my mom and left the place.

You know, while we were talking, she was asking me whether we can still be friends. Just like all the other girls. I gave her a positive response. I had a nagging feeling that this will be our last time together. Friendship seemed impossible.

Just now, I went to her blog and found a few pictures of her with a few guys. One of them was my best friend. I couldn't bear to see their faces and her together. I suddenly realised that I was still not over her! I also realised that my feelings for her was in vain. She never considered me to be that special. She never even asked to take a picture with me.

I was simply an acquaintance, nothing more. I freaked.

I'm walking out of her life, never returning again. I think it is best for me, and for her. A relationship is not meant to happen, I guess.

I guess this shows how faithful I am. =( I'm really worried...

I'm sorry... =(

But, I appreciate your honesty. It really showed me where we stood in the relationship. I respect your feelings. I know too well that for any relationship to work, feelings and love have to be reciprocated. However, thank you. You have made life sweeter and more interesting for me. All the best in everything. Till we meet again, if ever...

[+] There's more!

Many of my friends are leaving. =( I will really miss them. It's so hard to let go and say goodbye...

Till we meet again...

[+] There's more!

I was on the way to dinner with my siblings when the radio aired the song Seasons in the Sun. I stared out wistfully into the town buildings. As the song played and the first verse was sung, I thought of my best friend.

I cried. I weeped silently...

All those happy memories came flooding back. The good times we had in lower secondary years, the outing we had just now just filled my senses. I closed my eyes. My parents came into my vision. The sight of my mom laughing and hearing her signature laughter just soothes me. And I thought of my dad. My brothers. And my close friends. The good times we all had, the joys we shared, and the friendships we have.

I cherished those moments. I was shedding tears of joy that just streamed down my face. On the other hand, I feel sad and melancholy about it. I missed those moments, but I know there will be many more to come in the future.

I cried throughout the entire song. The memories were vivid and clear. I could feel as if I'm reliving those moments once again.

That is the first song which moved me. No song has ever aroused so much emotion from me before. However, it wasn't the first time I heard it, but at that time, it just moved me by bringing back memories from the past. The good ones which make my life so much more bearable.

And I really value the friendships I have with them. That's because they are real and tangible. I thank God for having these people in my life. Thank you... =)

[+] There's more!

I have been thinking a lot about the previous post I have written. Towards the end, I reflected on the moment spent with a friend of mine. I have been thinking about where do I want exactly want to stand in the relationship, close-knit friendship or perhaps even something more. I shouldn't have spilled it to my keeper of secrets friend either. She was absolutely shocked when I told her via writing. To be honest, I felt really strange and weird (no, no, not the lovey-dovey flip flops, but more of a disgusted one).

I've been thinking about me and him, and to be honest, I would feel pretty unnatural about the whole complexities. I tried picturing it in my head, and I can't. It's not right for me. I tuned in to my inner thoughts, my subconscious me, and asked, "Is this what I really want?" He said no. And I understood. Because it isn't what I want. It's not right for me. I have confused between friendship and romance, and the boundary was somehow blurred. Besides, I really doubt he fancies me in an absolutely different way. He won't reciprocate my feelings. I bet he will flee as far away from me as possible.

I thought about it again over lunch. I don't think it will work out. I dislike that thought very much. I really do want to be close to him, but to be that close, no thanks! Too awkward, too strange, not right for us! Suddenly, the phrase "Do the right thing" rang in my head. And I think not taking any step further from friendship is exactly the right thing. It benefits the both of us.

The inner me smiled. =)

And it took only a day for me to clarify my feelings? Yeah, it seemed really fast but I had enough time to think. And this time, I feel comforted by that fact. I adhere to this quote by Grandmother Willow from Disney's Pocahontas:

Listen with your heart, you will understand.

- Grandmother Willow

[+] There's more!

Beware! This blog post is pretty text-heavy! Images will not accompany the text because I ran out of inspiration! Heehee!

Many pleasant events have taken place during the last few days. I feel really glad to experience them! =) Many of them deal with relationships. I just feel so loved and wanted. I'm really happy! I'm ecstatic to know I have many close friends. No, I don't mean a thousand or a million! =O Sure, I've got probably a few but that's plenty enough for me. Yahoo!

Before I delve into the subject of friendships, do you remember about the piano exam I had the other day? It turns out that it went quite well. It's definitely far from perfect, but I'm slightly optimistic about passing the exam! I'd still say that despite the fact that I had completely messed up my A1 exam piece (I murdered it! =P) due to nerves. *sigh* There were some slips in my scales, again due to nerves and carelessness.

But what I'm quite proud out is my accomplishment of sight-reading rather fluently! =D It's definitely much more easier than the normal practices my teacher drilled me in. There were minimal chords in it. I failed to obey the dynamics and the tempo but it came out decently. I'm really happy with it. And it is the first time I am actually hopeful that my sight-reading section can help pull my marks out. My aural however is a different story. I seriously have unmusical ears! =P I think I flunked my section. In one part of the aural, I was asked to sight-sing. I completely babbled random Do-Re-Mi notes. I wouldn't if the beat wasn't so fast! The examiner had already finished playing while I was still halfway singing in vain. =|

According to a friend, results will be released sometime next week. That's extremely fast and I hope he is really wrong! =P I hope the two years' work pays off. =)

I doubt I was actually concentrating in school that day itself. I spent half the day worrying about my exam while I spent the rest sharing my experience with my friends and simply rejoicing that I survived the ordeal. What an accomplishment! =D I won't be touching the piano for about a fortnight. No more playing the same three songs and scales over and over again. =D It drives me crazy!

That wasn't it on Monday. One of my close friends had a surprise for me - she announced to me that my birthday present was ready and she gave me after school. I was elated even though it was pretty early. Well, she told me it wouldn't be so nice to present me the present on my day itself since I'll be having an oral exam (what a bummer, huh?). I thanked her profusely and gladly accepted it. =)

To be honest, I wasn't thinking about it that much on the way home since I was too busy relieving the experience. However, as I approached home, I began to feel excited about opening the present. No, I wasn't patient enough to wait until my birthday. And why wait? =P Hee hee hee! So I opened. I really like her choice of gifts (note the plural). ;) They are really cute! I placed them in the respective places. However, one thing stood out among the paraphernalia. It wasn't expensive either, but to me, it is priceless.

A message.

Do you have any idea how I longed to get a message, an actual, physical message, from a friend (besides greeting cards)? No one has done that for a long time! I felt terribly touched by what she had written there, about how we became close together and some nice thank-you messages for me. But most importantly, how glad she is to have me as a friend. I could have cried if I were more sensitive. =) I mean, it really means a lot to me to hear that. It just makes me feel warm inside, comforted by the thought that I have a true friend. Well, honestly, I am glad to meet her and befriend her as well. Sure, we may have our differences. She may not be perfect. I'm not too. We overlooked our imperfections and concentrated on the good ones.

I'm so glad to have such a friend. =) Words themselves cannot describe my appreciation. Thank you for the message. It really made my day. And you have made me feel special in your eyes. =)

I will treasure that message in my memory box. Yes, I do have one! There really isn't much inside. It's mostly birthday cards, greetings and photos (which aren't many). Yeah, it's kind of my secret desire to receive meaningful messages from friends once in a while. Okay, it's not on the top of my wishlist. You know what I mean, right? Sometimes, when you're feeling down or bored, you'll just sift through your memory box or messages (or whatever really!) to remind yourself that you are special in someone's eyes. And those are really comforting facts.

Come Tuesday, I wasn't expecting anyone to divulge her secrets to me. I am not as close to this person as other close friends. The day before, I politely asked her for passwords to her secret blog posts in Wordpress since I'm quite "inquisitive" myself. ;) Hahaha! Anyway, I have not got a response from her until Tuesday afternoon (nor do I want to bring up the subject matter). So I went online and managed to catch her. She must be psychic that I wanted the passwords without me saying much except "Hi!". =O Then, I made a small comment regarding her blog posts. And well, I felt joyous to know that I am trustworthy enough to let her confide her secret. (I love secrets!)

She began to talk about her relationship problems with a certain guy. And she thinks it's girl talk. I don't think so! I think guys do talk about relationship problems too. At least I will. ;) So yes, we chatted. It was pretty interesting to listen to her problems. It wasn't so funny actually (well, she and I kept laughing probably because she made it sound quite hilarious). =P It was kind of weird to know that even though I eavesdropped that morning and overheard her best friend hinting on a certain someone. Truthfully, it sounds weird she have been liking that guy for quite a long time. I guess those are what you call secrets.

Pardon me for making a weird analogy to The Sims 2, but after being her listener to her secrets, it sort of boosted our relationship points by a lot. And I mean a lot! I think secrets are built upon a foundation of trust. And maybe as you know more about the person, the trust grows and people will forge really close together. It really reminds me of how I first divulged my crush to a mutual friend. Guess what? We're now really close and it has gone to the extend that I really trust her enough to let her in on this blog. We both now voraciously share secrets. It's really fun. But at the same time, it brings us even more closer together after gaining more understanding of each other. It's funny how secrets shared lead from one thing to another, huh? =)

You know, that next day, she told me that she too keep a secret diary which is shared among herself and her close friend. I was dumbfounded and even more when she told me I have actually seen the book before! It so does not look like a diary! =O So when I saw her this morning writing on it, I smiled. She smiled. We understood. =D It's really cool to know something which no one else knows! Hehehe! I'm sure she will agree when she reads this. =P

Anyway, today I had my oral exam today. English, to be exact. It went well. =) It was like having a tea with friends. Okay, that's a bit exaggerated, but it felt like a casual conversation. I was clearly nervous though. =S It was rather similar to my mock orals I had the other day. I think I owe that success to this blog! Seriously, I learned a lot from here on expressing myself better to people. I find it kind of enjoyable to say personal stuffs to strangers. It's like an amazing feeling! Really, I enjoyed it. The funny thing is that I was talking about this big dilemma which happened just recently when I got such a topic. It was very coincidental. I had no idea how such a confusing situation can serve as a base for my topic! Really! =P

The Malay orals, however, is a completely different story. The topics usually do not touch a personal level. And that is kind of disadvantageous to me, combined with the fact that I have yet to gain fluency in that language. This will come later anyway.

That morning during English, I cannot believe that I was commended on my Commonwealth essay. This is my first time to receive merit for my composition, and I'm terribly happy! I have always wished my Commonwealth essays were given some form of recognition and I finally got one. Yippee! =D Horray! Horray! *does a dance*

Biology today was a pretty sad period. Everyone have just gotten back their Paper 2s, and almost everyone wore a sad look. I wanted to claim half a mark actually due to marking errors but after combining my papers together, it doesn't make any difference to my average. Furthermore, it gives the impression to people that I'm a marks-eating monster who keeps on the lookout for marks. I feel really bad to claim more marks even when I'm the highest. I feel sorry for my friend above who got me the present as she hasn't done as well as she had thought. Furthermore, she has got gastric and I really don't want to further upset her. I shrugged it off since I feel bad whether or not I claim marks. I claimed later when I found out I could get an additional half a mark. This probably will influence my average, but I'm not bothered about recalculating it!

Sometimes, it's not easy to be the top in the class. People feel jealous. Okay, I admit, I feel jealous when my peers, especially my academic rivals, do better than me and I usually vow to get them back. However, my procrastinating habit sets me back and the vicious cycle of jealousy keeps on looping. =( Sometimes, I wish I could just accept the fact I'm never always the best. It would make my life easier a little bit.

During recess, while I was feasting on my beef rendang, something embarrassing happened! I was so freaked out by it. When I was pulling out my handkerchief from my pocket, a lip balm stick flew out and landed on the floor with a "Clink!", right in front of two Year 8 girls. My eyes widened in horror and my heart thumped really fast. I was silently cursing myself for being so careless and with my handkerchief, I quickly hid it and brought it into my pocket rather nonchalantly and continued reading the notice board. It was terribly embarrassing, whoever have heard of a guy carrying a lip stick in his pocket (that was the impression given! =( )? I need it because I have dry lips, but still. I bet they were gossiping next to me while I found a distraction. Why hadn't I go away? =O

Anyway, after school, before my orals, I hung out with a guy friend of mine. I enjoyed talking to him. When I saw him looking at the notice board at the foyer with bored look, I invited him to eat with me in class. So we did, and we were in class alone enjoying our food. I don't really remember what we talked about though. I just enjoyed the moment. You know, I really want to go out and have some fun with him. So I hinted (Lol!) that we eat at a local Japanese restaurant when we have our next orals, since school lets out early due to the Ramadhan fasting month for the Muslims. And he said he will think about it.

After that, we just wandered around the school courtyard since the library was closed. Then we met the examiners and I was kind of scared when I saw one of them was a native speaker. I was kind of afraid I wouldn't be able to understand what he says. I was acting strangely nervous when he spoke to me. Sheesh, the exam has not even started and I already gave a bad impression. =O

So anyway, after chilling out, we went up to the examination hall with the others. The exam started rather early, so before it started, my friend went to look for a toilet to gel his hair. I mean, is that necessary? =P Okay, so we found a small toilet in the top floor and we both went in and he gelled his hair.

"What am I rambling? Why are you telling me such a boring story about you and him?", you may ask. Guys, I know this sounds really, really strange. Should I really go on? I think I better continue the story. So we both went in, and he gelled his hair. My heart pounded as we went in and I began to ramble nonsense and ask stupid questions. Like "I don't know how to gel my hair. How do you gel yours?"

You may think I'm insane and crazy to suddenly be so unlike me. I don't know guys, but I think of this fellow in a ... different way. I don't know why I feel like this. Normally, when I hang out with a bunch of guys, I don't feel giddy and funny. Somehow, I was like that. I really don't know. I'm so confused. No, I don't want to be orientated differently from the rest. It's not doing me any good. I like girls, as you can see from my crushes.

I don't normally get nervous when I talk to him. Maybe a couple of times, I feel strange but it wasn't as bad as just now. It's just ... so wrong, I tell you! He's really ... I don't know. Just catches my fancy. I have no idea why either. It was a pretty awkward moment for me. Oh my gosh, I just don't know!

And he usually copies my homework too!

Am I confusing between friendship and romance? I think I am. Maybe I just want to know him better as a friend. Like be close, but not that close. Or maybe I just want something more than being just close friend, or even a best friend... Hmm...?

NO WAY!!!! =O

Whatever it is, I really hope this feeling will pass. And I have absolutely no intent in telling him this. There is no way I'm going to jeopardise our friendship just because of my confusion. I'll keep it to myself, and with you guys.

This is so confusing and illogical. I wish I could be just like an ordinary teenage boy at times. Sorry if that kind of thing turns you off.

By the way, I just want to apologise for not living up to the purpose of my blog recently. It's just that I'm tired and there really isn't much going on nowadays. Furthermore, I'll be too pooped from a long day at school. I really hope you guys understand. I'm really sorry...

[+] There's more!

An outing today with two of my good friends almost went horribly wrong when there was an unexpected phone call for me yesterday afternoon. I croaked a hello and I was quite nervous to hear an unfamiliar voice over the line. I wondered who she was. She called in to inform me that I had won in a science essay writing competition.

Yippee, I was overjoyed! After a few years of writing for that competition in vain, I finally won something. I was very surprised that I have won because I was pretty sure I did not write well for it. I think it was one of my worse compositions. =\ I began to ask a string of incredulous questions to confirm what she had said. And I was quite embarrassed that I was behaving rather "unofficially". After realising that, I composed myself and asked more seriously when is the prize-giving ceremony. Guess what was her response?

Oh, it will be held at some school. Tomorrow (okay). In the afternoon (wait, did she say it was in the afternoon? Oh no!).

I apologised frantically and told her it was not possible because I have an outing to go. I have been looking forward to it since it was planned quite some time ago and besides, I am itching to watch Ratatouille! =( She was sorry to hear that but I was instructed to be there. I did not have much of a choice there, so I uttered a weak yes and waited for her to hang up.

I was really lost. No, it isn't possible! I simply cannot miss the outing. Instinctively, I ran up the stairs and signed in to Windows Live Messenger, hoping to find her online. She was, and I immediately told her the bad news. Needless to say, she did not take it quite well. She suggested that I send a representative and skip the whole thing. As much as I want to, I can't. I simply do not want to take the trouble to beg or coerce someone to go in my place while I recline on the cinema chair and laugh at a funny moment in Ratatouille. That's pretty unfair. I know this sounds pretty ridiculous, but I would like to get my own hands on the prize. To be pretty honest, it would be really strange to see my name being represented by someone else in the newspaper tomorrow. It would be funny. (In my country, the media usually publishes interesting reports on such a monotonous fanfare an event!)

I wasn't able to answer her when she asked what would I do. I was groaning out of sheer frustration. Not again! I thought I have been through this already two days ago. I think once is more than enough. So I stared at the screen looking dumbfounded as I scanned for solutions and ideas. I wanted to strike up a compromise, but I have a feeling it won't compromise well. I entered panic mode again. I was breathing hard and the world around me cease to exist. My problems are getting amplified and I was heading no where. "This is crazy! I need to talk to someone! Anyone!"

I was hoping a guardian angel would sign in, but alas, it didn't. I was hopping in frustration and fear. I kept asking myself the same question. As much as I disliked doing it, I have to ask for my best friend's help again. *groan* It's not that I hated doing that, it's just that I did not want to trouble him again. What can I do? It's either that or turn psychotic myself! And I spilled all my troubles to him. It took a few minutes, but after my spillage, I was so surprised that I actually ran out of words to say. *chuckle*

He suggested me to do the same thing as well. To go ahead with my original plan. Tell her that I can still make it for lunch but I have to leave for the ceremony after that. I contemplated about it and other possible solutions but that was what I have got. It's the best so far. Besides, she would be understanding about it if she really is my friend. Besides, I can't help it. It's the other party which is at fault for telling me the day before the real thing! =O (At least, that is what those two convinced me.) Well, thank goodness she is. And how was I supposed to know she thought I would be away the whole time? I laughed out of sheer comfort. =D It was really great to have her as a friend. I had no idea what I was fearing of.

Do I?

At least I bought time. Time must have cooled things a bit. To allow both of us to collect our thoughts properly. I'm glad things work out in the end. But to go through this again? Oh no! I had enough excitement with friends for a week!

The outing was fun! =) The one thing that is most memorable to me are the hugs from the birthday girl. One was for getting her a pretty cool gift (horray, she likes it!) and the other one was before I left. You know, as much as I avoid hugs, I secretly love them. I don't know, but I feel kind of comforted and loved (not in the romantic sense) when I get hugged. And I don't know how to put it, but in a way, it strengthens the bond and the trust you have with the other person.

I sure would like to relive the moments again.

I'm a guy, however, and I don't get hugged by friends. It would be great to. *smiles*

I do not remember much about the ceremony. I only remember having this thought, "What am I doing here on a Monday afternoon during a school holiday going for a silly prize-giving ceremony? I could have gone to catch the movie instead!". When I entered the hall, I asked myself, "What are all these people doing here on a Monday afternoon during a school holiday? And aren't the adults supposed to be working?" (Yeah, I have funny thoughts!)

I was really glad Nicholas Sparks entertained me throughout the entire ceremony. He's a really awesome writer, and it makes the whole thing so much more bearable. Man, I immediately regretted going for it, and I wished that I called for a representative to take my place so that I can go watch Ratatouille. Never mind about him having to suffer! =D Dang, I hate having a guilty conscience at times! =P

I do not mean to sound so nasty about that event, but I really think it wasn't worth my time. Despite that, it was quite a good day for me. I'm glad I did not spend a lot of time near the computer. =P

[+] There's more!

I was so scared I nearly cried when I added another close friend in my refugee e-mail and was sort of crying for help. It progressed from there to ranting to something else. And I did something I will probably not do again.

I told her about this blog. A blog which I have kept secret from everybody who I know. I gave her the URL. I don't know why I did it, but I trust her a lot and I really feel that she should know about this. I hope that she will guard this secret of mine very fiercely (she will).

Since it is getting quite late, I will end here for today. It is a rather abrupt end, but my thoughts are disorientated now. I'll see you guys soon. I'm having my term holiday now anyway.

P.S. For the sake of privacy, the date of this post was changed.

[+] There's more!

Basketball players are selfish, arrogant bastards!

I hated basketball and I always will. No, not because I hate the game. It is the players which make the game seems so barbaric and senseless, with cries of fouls thrown everywhere and hurls of taunts and insults thrown everywhere.

Something happened just now which enrages me. My ball hit a kid's head slightly and I apologized to him for being careless with it. The game proceeded as usual but it looked like my neighbour was fussy about who will have the ball first. He wanted to follow NBA's official rules by shooting for the ball (it's like as if we all want to be NBA players). I think it's unnecessary since after many tries, both the players were unable to shoot the ball into the hoop from the three-point line, so he and my teammate made the decision by playing "O-U-T" and since it failed to be the deciding factor also, they played a game among themselves to see who shoots the ball into the hoop.

Can't they have some bloody sense and settle it by playing "Rock-Paper-Scissors"? This game isn't some official and grand international basketball competition. I see no need to be so fussy, plus it's taking up precious time. I lack the patience too to just wait for these VIPs (or "MVPs" for that matter). *rolls eyes*

After a long time of waiting, the game finally begun. Everything flowed "smoothly" *cough* and as the game proceeds, it stopped temporarily with a goal shot by the other team. Fair enough. It so happened that one of the kids was taking his break by sitting down very near to the basketball hoop stand.

As the ball went into the hoop, my brother ran and caught it directly under the hoop and guess what? One of my blinking idiotic teammate rushed to my brother and push the ball away from my brother's hands. The ball flew up and it made a hard impact on the kid's head!

The kid immediately crouched and covered his head, wincing in pain. At first, I thought he was trying to be funny and gain sympathy from me but as I looked at him still crouching, I realised he wasn't playing around and he was really in pain. Meanwhile, my teammate blamed my brother for catching the ball under the hoop. Naturally, my brother defended himself, since it wasn't his fault! I was staring at the two of them, staring in disbelief how smug some people can really be by putting the blame on someone else as a means of lame defense! =O

My brother and I gathered around him and asked him how he was feeling or not. I cannot believe I refuse to get the message that he's really in pain, yet I kept on asking him whether he is fine or not when my conscience uttered a long "Duh!". I even crouched down and saw him in tears, crying from the pain. I pitied the little boy to have double accidents within an hour; on his head too! =(

As I was trying to attend to him, the rest of the four players have the cheek to continue the game, as if nothing had really happened. Of all the nerve! I called for a time out and my neighbour approached me and asked me for the reason. Isn't it obvious? They continued playing anyway, despite the fact that they know he was in pain.

I tried calling for his brother but I got an unpleasant surprise when he said "Leave him alone.". What an egoistic brother! On the other hand, I told myself maybe it happened most of the time and he will end up feeling okay. The matter is that his head was injured and heaven knows what might happened after the (un-)intentional accident.

It was only after some time later did my neighbour come to the rescue and finally utter wise words. I know nothing about first aid, so he instructed me to massage his head with my palm. I did and he winced in pain of course. That kid later told me to remove my hand as it was painful. So I released my hand while my neighbour told me that maybe I can massage the injured part later when he comes to his senses.

The kid then told my brother and I to let him relax there while we resume the game. I joined in first and suddenly there was a cry of foul (I think) because I joined in the game! I was shocked again! Wasn't I already in the game? My neighbour spoke foolish words, "3 against 2 isn't fair!"

What? Wasn't my brother in this game. I asked him and he shook his head, saying "No" as he stood next to the kid. Sheesh, I can't believe the fear of losing run deep in his vein, just because I am tall! Hello, I have a disadvantage here too: I am not skilled in basketball. In your language: I suck at b-ball! They cancel each other out!

I lost my top at that time. I turned my head and walked away, announcing bitterly that I am going home since I was not needed anymore! Talk about teamwork and sportsmanship! I just realised what true friends they are (yeah right, I knew that a long time ago)! The stupid rascals did not even bother about my leaving.

I don't too.

I was so ready to burst into flames there and then. I tried to suppress it temporarily. As I walked back to my house, I swore and criticised their arrogance and selfishness. Deep inside me, I was hoping they could hear what I said, even though that would only stir up trouble.

And the kid? Forget it! His brother can "nurse" him back.

I was insulted as a bookworm too by them long before this happened since a new friend asked me what sports I "like" as I don't play basketball often. I let that insult slip. I have heard worse insults.

But this...is unforgivable. How can you not get mad at their bratty attitudes?

Such people smear the good name and fun of basketball. They made it into a sport meant for barbarians to play. Tell me, was it wrong of me to "over-react" over someone's injury? Was it wrong of them to not care about an injured player?

I say it again, they are selfish creeps with totally big egos that's just asking to be burst! I am tempted to insult a race and the entire basketball community but nah.

ARRRGGHHHHHH!!!! =(

Forget about neighbourliness! I don't look forward to have another basketball match with them anymore.

[+] There's more!

Due to school-related stuffs, I was unable to blog the last week. =( I am utterly exhausted from having to do important assignments and schooling six days a week (despite our school hours running from 7 am to about 1 pm). Yesterday, I was rushing through my Commonwealth Essay as the deadline was today (and I barely met it) and because it was done at the eleventh hour, it turned out looking like a shoddy and sloppy piece of essay. =( The topics were quite hard this year and I think that is one of the main causes why I procrastinated.

Thus, I wrote it half-heartedly as I ran out of fresh ideas. It was horribly standardized and I doubt the judges would even read past the first paragraph before tossing it into the bin. *sigh*

Two days before the deadline, I was struggling to brainstorm out ideas for my essay. It took many hours later for me to decide to switch to another topic. I was unsure of the facts itself, therefore I failed to deliver my opinions. So instead, I wrote another topic which to my utter disappointment was not done well. Nevertheless, I am glad that I managed to shove this essay away from me. *weak smile*

While I was writing, I was loathing to my best friend the obstacles I had to overcome (i.e. my procrastination). I think I typed more words in our online chats than in my essay. =\ I can't believe I wasted so many precious hours just moaning and groaning to him how arduous my work was!

After I finally concluded my visit to one of my friend's blog, I suddenly entered panic mode and cold, harsh reality sank in. I had an essay to write, and I was faced with a blank document, except for the few paragraphs. It was pretty discouraging. Yes, I know I was a NaNoWriMo participant and 1500 words is "pretty easy" to manage.

I thought so too. I was overconfident. And that overconfidence brought my downfall, once again.

I began ranting to him how much I was strayed off track and I poured my disturbed emotions over him. I feel sorry for him having to bear my incessant rants. =( I am thankful that he can still manage to drill reality into my head. Thanks man, I really need that! =)

Like how I pathetically wrote 2 paragraphs in 3 hours. And he knowing that I find thrill in doing work at the last hour. They're all true and I don't deny it. Okay, I did but we knew it's true! =P Your sarcasm sure bites, mister! And they bite hard! =O (And I needed this shock therapy once in a while or rather everytime, lol!)

Then I began to get serious about my attitude. Sure, I may finish my essay minutes before my English teacher steps into class. Unfortunately if that continues, I'm not going to lead a very successful life.

I know this might sound really shocking, but I have this conceived belief that life is like a fairytale. I'm serious! It sounds childish but I hold onto that thought! I always feel that whatever I do, it will have a happy ending. If the ending is not happy, then it's not quite the end yet. Besides, isn't that what most stories in novels and movies are like - happy endings which will move me to tears or make me go "Yes!"?

It's rather ironic that I did not even try to put in the effort myself. I do things half-heartedly if it isn't to my desire. I loathe work. I dislike doing it. I rather do things that matter most to me (i.e. nothing at all!). The funny thing is, I like work as well, in the sense that it keeps me occupied and giving me a sense of purpose. In other words, I shun and love it!

Over-optimism is what I call it. Then at certain times, I can feel over-pessimistic. =S

To put it simply, I treated life like a fairytale and I think that belief is very self-damaging. Guess the advice I was given by this best friend of mine? =)

I never thought of it that way. Now that he had mentioned it, I pondered about it since I like to write (and end with a happy ending). He then took the words out of my mouth by saying that I feel as though whatever things I do will turn out well in the end. The weird thing is that many, many times the work I have done always turn out well and it further strengthens my belief. Self-damaging success? =S

Does that mean I am waiting for failure now? Maybe... There's that part of me that yearns for failure and once I have experienced it, it will be like a shock therapy and I will change for the better. So far, the failures in my life have yet to affect me? =S I don't know, I don't get it myself. I don't learn from mistakes? Or must be mistakes be so grave and profound that it will affect my mind, body and spirit?

Our conversation ended with these three important values that I will always remember for life:

1. Set goals
2. Prioritize
3. And most importantly, to take things that matter seriously

I failed to do any of these three... But I really must try my best to uphold these characteristics in order to be successful. Even one of my teachers explained about these to us in class.

I admit, I have read a lot of books on how to succeed in life. They are fun to read and they always motivate me. I never applied them though...

Maybe it's high time that I should.

......

I am really thankful that I have such a good friend in life who tries to give me a push in times of need. Especially at this crucial year where I'll be sitting for that important GCE 'O' Levels exam in November.

*sigh* It's time to begin... Screw procrastination and laziness; may these two demons go back to hell, lol! >=)

On the other hand, maybe I was slightly disturbed by the thought that I have yet to tell the Deputy Principal about me wanting to drop Sociology... I don't know why I hesitated to confront her. Why am I so afraid of telling her about my confirmed decision?


------------


Let's talk about my Valentine's Day. I thought it was a rather ordinary day, except very overrated and exaggerated. Ugh~ People get lovey-dovey and mushy-gushy at this one day of the year and what about the rest of the 364 days? And oh my, how commercialised has it been especially in this 21st century!

That wasn't what St. Valentine's Day was originally intended for. Our Christian Religious Knowledge teacher explained to us about its origins, and it was then only I realised how beautiful the story behind really was.

So much have changed over those years. (Fine, maybe I'm a bit biased towards this because I'm single and I have no "proper" girlfriend. But hey, I can always shower my love 365 days, not on that one day out of so many days! =P)

Despite my dull feelings towards that day, I want to wish everyone here a Happy (belated) Valentine's Day, and I want to thank you for the friendships we have formed. I thank you guys for coming here to this blog and took your time to know me; it was a pleasure to know you guys as well. Thank you, and all of you will always have this special spot in my heart. =)

Lots of love! =D

[+] There's more!

Why don't I feel happy about him, but instead a melancholy feeling lingers in my soul? I mean, it's his birthday today and I am happy that he has finally turned 16, the sweetest age of anyone's life.

I think it's because our relationship isn't so hot now and it isn't working out I guess, despite making up (phrase edited on 5/2, thanks katelyn and annelisa for pointing out!) and settling our rather fragile friendship way back at New Year's Day. It was a Sunday...

This is horrible, I shouldn't be feeling like this. But I honestly cannot help it as these past few days I have been haunted by thoughts about him and I have been questioning our friendship, where we stand now etc. before sleep. Something is wrong; there's no more spark between us unlike last time, three years ago.

Did I tell you guys about the outing I had with him last month? To tell you the truth, it was not exciting at all. It was incredibly dull, if it wasn't for the movie. We talked rather little, and even if we did talk, our topics were rather dry anyway since they were school-related talk and other simple chats and comments passing (I can't remember them). It was horrible, we both weren't opening up to each other. What is wrong? What went wrong? Was it me?

I hate to jump to conclusions but I think the downfall of our friendship was having nothing in common in all. I couldn't find anything in common between us anymore. We don't play the same games and we don't have the same interests. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel jealous at the fact that he has a big circle of friends (at least among the guys), united by a (stupid) game I call Warcraft and other games they play. I know I have made a rather harsh statement, but I can't help but have this feeling that the aforementioned is true. (By the way, I dislike or rather hate Warcraft. I am inexperienced (or in 1337, a n00b)

Guys, I honestly don't know what is coursing through me now. Despite being best friends for quite a number of years, I know very little about him. It's only his overt personality that I know of. Even so, I still know little about it compared to most of his friends. I don't know his hobby (besides gaming), I don't know his favourite colour and his favourite things, I don't know how he views life and how he thinks. I can't even tell from the way he say things whether he is sarcastic about it, serious about it, angry about it or is simply kidding about it. (Maybe it's due to his neutral intonation.)

Heck, I don't even know some of his secrets which most of his friends do. I tell him mine. I am very open to him, I tell him some of my secrets and I seek solace in him many a times. So why doesn't he tell me some of his, or at the very least share what's going on in his life besides the usual "Nothing much"? (I admit, I say that too many times.)

In other words, he is *heaves a heavy sigh* becoming a stranger in my life. I'm even closer to some of my good friends than him. There's another way of saying it, but I can't recall it at the moment.

This happened to me twice already, having a falling out with three of my previous best friends. One moved to another school and I haven't seen him since, another I abandoned for a "new" best friend and the other one was because he took advantage of my weaknesses and he bullied me.

Was it all because I have labeled them as my "best friend"? Am I cursed as to whenever I say it out, some unseen forces will try and split us apart? (It was an exaggeration. There's a high chance that it wasn't because of that.) Or have I befriended the wrong best friend?

Or is everything all because of me, that I'm too demanding and I take all this best friend relationship thing too seriously? Fine, I am a bit demanding and I do take these sort of friendships seriously. That's because I care for them and I also want to share moments of my life with them be it bitter or sweet. And I want intimate companionship(s), not having fake acquaintances and fans.

All I want is just someone to be nice to me, and to see and like me as who, not what, I am. Besides that, I also want a someone who can keep on a lookout for me, talk to me, give some attention to me (not everytime though, I need some space) and be his/her genuine self.

Are they too much to ask for? I think so... Maybe I should keep my...err..."expectations" lower, I guess...

We lack communication. We used to be pretty talkative when we see each other. Lately, we're not. It's all a matter of hi and bye.

*sigh*

I sometimes even fear meeting him. My heart beats up for no apparent reason when I see/near him. I don't know what I fear about. I can't explain it. It's just that, I feel extra strange when I am with him. This is weird considering since I act pretty normal with the rest of my friends and acquaintances.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have this paranoia?

I remember turning down on my friends' invitations to go on outings which my best friend is going. I disliked going out at that time (I didn't like staying out of my house). Maybe that was my mistake. One day (recently), I decided to give it a try and sad to say this, I didn't have fun. And last year, he invited me to his house for his birthday party. Again, sorry to say this, I didn't have fun. The only fun part I liked was the birthday cake part.

They were playing Warcraft and I felt left out. I was glad to leave them in peace... =(

This is not to say I do not remember all the happy moments we share together. Of course I do. I remember way back in Year 8 when he and I went off to the block of flats near our school before Taekwondo classes begin and we would whip out our Nintendo Game Boy Advances and begin our Pokemon battles. =) I know, it seems pretty childish at that time considering our age, but we had lots of fun fighting! It was awesome even though not many could understand how we can derive enjoyment from playing Pokemon. It was my obsession at that time. Thank goodness it's dying now! ;) But still, that was how we bonded.

I still remember vividly him telling me that he has a crush on the same person as I have. Remember Akazukin ChaCha? Yeah, that was the same person he had a crush on. And I was quite crushed, LOL! I still remember the place he told me that. We were making a turn towards another school behind us. The trees were rustling and I remember the sun shining its rays in its cheerful mood. The birds were singing in the trees with the beautiful music spoiled by zooming cars most of the time. It was a beautiful day.

I also remembered the many times we walked around the block where our school was sited and in our walks, we talked about nothing but ourselves. It was fun and enjoyable, even though I cannot remember what we have talked about. All I remember is the sun shining and they were beautiful days. Hahahaha, and we always came to Taekwondo class a few minutes late! *silly grin*

Those were the days...

And now?

I honestly do not know what caused our distance between us. I blame lack of communication and us splitting up into different classes last year. Then again, we were drifting apart already two years ago. Many times, I addressed the problem to him. Nothing has changed...

What's wrong? (I know I have said this over and over again)

Maybe it's high time that we end our special friendship, on our last year of high school. It's just not working out anymore. I don't mind remaining as friends with him though (I honestly do not want to make an enemy out of a best friend. It happened twice; I don't want it to happen again.). This is what I am really feeling now. It cannot be explained, most of my feelings cannot be put down into words but I know it instinctively.

Maybe it's just me not knowing how to be a good best friend. =(

Dear best friend, if you are still reading my blog and you happen to read this on your birthday, I'm awfully, dreadfully sorry! But these are the true, honest feelings I wanted to pour out quite some time already. Sorry to ruin your birthday =(. I hope you can understand (I know you always tell me you do understand, but do you really? I have my doubts, I hate to say that =( ).

However, please understand this: You are a nice guy (and you still are!) and you treated me so well during the pinnacle of our friendship. I thank you so much for all those times; unforgettable times of my life. Have a great sweet 16th birthday to you and take good care of yourself. Hope you have a great birthday today. =)

[+] There's more!

I really cannot believe it. 2007 really is so full of surprises, like what madd had commented here:

Thanks madd. =)

I finally understood (or got the basic fundamental gists) of noun declensions in German! I am so happy of my accomplishment. What once used to be a very big "Huh?" for me has became something that I'll go "Oh, I see!".


[you can skip this if you want]

There are four cases in German, i.e. nominative, accusative, genitive and dative, and it all depends on the sentence itself. So I can say:

The dog bites the man.
Der Hund beißt den Mann.

Here, the man is the direct object/receiver which receives the action of the verb, so he is classified under accusative. The dog, on the other hand, is the subject/nominative.

He is the dog's master.
Er ist der Herr des Hundes.

In this case, dog's master is the subject. But because the dog is the possession of the master, it is thus a genitive case.

The taxi driver drives the lady to the hospital.
Der Taxifahrer fährt dem Krankenhause die Fräu.

You know the taxi driver is the subject. The hospital is the place where they are going to, or the indirect object, so it is a dative case. The lady will be the direct object as she is driven to the hospital, thus it is an accusative case.

What changes in the case is the article and sometimes, the noun itself. I don't know why it happens to the latter as I wasn't provided a good explanation. It just happens! Too bad there are a lot more for this: tenses, plural forms etc. Oh my, the sheer number of words I have to learn!

Disclaimer: My explanation is not 100% accurate or correct. It's pretty basic. =)

[/skip]


My German vocabulary is horrendously small. I have to constantly check up on my vocabulary lists for some of the words that I had used up there. I kept thinking, "Now, how do you say this English word in German again?" Happens all the time even when I am studying Malay and the last time, Chinese.

I guess English is becoming my first language!

But German class yesterday was fun! I learned a lot from that lesson. I look forward to tomorrow's class but first, I need to review what I have learned to avoid giving blank stares to my teacher! =)

Later in the afternoon, as I was cycling around my house compound, out of the blue, my neighbours called after my brother. My brother ignored them (!) and when he called again the second time, I braked by the fence and asked what's up.

Guess what? They wanted us to play basketball with them!

I, of course, was shocked and pleasantly surprised at the same time at their request. You see, I'm not a very good neighbour myself. I rarely talk to the kids next door, or to the other neighbours around my house. In fact, it was mostly "Mind Your Own Business" scenario, to put it rather crudely, although my mother does talk to our neighbours next door sometimes.

So at first, I hesitated because I wanted to get back to my computer. But I thought "Hey! Why lead such a sedentary and lonely life when you can get a chance to play with your neighbours a game of basketball? Besides, you made a resolution to keep yourself fit."

And I told my conscience to keep his mouth shut. I naturally went, of course.

AND IT WAS FUN! I'm not a good basketball player myself, heck I don't really like basketball. But hey, there's no competition going on. It's just about having fun! For the first time in a very very long time, I spent an hour outside doing sports. I think my mom was very happy to learn that! *cheeky grin*

We played a few games and my partner (the elder of my two neighbour siblings)and I kept winning, hahahaha! I think it's due to my height and my neighbour's height (I'm 1.75 m tall when I checked a long time ago, while they are still about average pre-teens' height). And no, I don't get so tall because I play basketball every time. That's what everyone said when they haven't seen me in a very long time/never. And it's a really annoying notion.

But boy, it was fun! I even sweated out a lot too! In fact, our neighbour even invited us to have another game with their friends later today at half past four! Wow, I didn't know our neighbourly relationships can rekindle and restore in such a short time. I think this is a really neat opportunity to know them better. I can't wait! =D

By the way, regarding the blog post below, I guess I will stick to my initial decision. Boy, I really need to begin studying as soon as possible for all my subjects. This is one exam I definitely do not want to screw up! Anyway, thanks a lot guys for commenting and inputting your opinions. I really appreciate them! Thanks guys! *hugs all*

[+] There's more!

Just this morning, when I woke up and checked up the comments in the blog post below, I got the biggest shock in my life: My best friend has found out my secret blog. It was of course my mistake, I accidentally posted 2 comments with this username I'm having now at my other blog which I share with him. I was really scared and I didn't know what to do. I panicked (naturally, for me) and quickly removed those comments which could cost me my privacy and secrecy.

Now I'm paranoid that in that span of roughly 12 hours, how many friends of mine have actually clicked on that comment, saw mine there, and curiously checked out my blog site? I shudder to think about it. Fortunately, my fears were suppressed greatly by the fact that only my best friend has only stumbled upon this blog so far, and I really hope that no one else has. If they really do, expect to see a relocation of this site if I feel my privacy and security has been jeopardized.

I then signed in to MSN, hoping that he's online and sooner or later, he came on! I immediately asked him about so many things relating to his discovery. I guess that it was only fated for him to find out about this website, and for me to accidentally commented with my username. Soon, the topic went on to our friendship, and we both learned a lot from each other, repaired and strengthened the fragility of our relationships and in the end, we welcomed each other back into each of our lives. It has been indeed, a very trying year for us last year and we had some communication barriers which unfortunately, has lead to the downfall of our relationships.

I'm really glad that his discovery had taken place, as without it, we would still be "far" from each other. Talk about a blessing in disguise. It was definitely the sweetest start to a new year. I shall never, ever forget it and I thank him that he will always be there for me and for taking the time to chat with me. It definitely cleared up the fog between us.

Once again, I thank you so, so much, my dear best friend =). And you are always welcome here anytime!


There is so much to comprehend, but I'm glad everything is clear now. A fresh start to a new year, and that is great! Of course, a new year comes with another New Year's Resolutions which I hope I will not break this year. I must, must, must be fully committed to it! Even though it's easier said than done.

Genies dish out three free wishes, and because of that, I should write out three resolutions. There isn't much point trying to be "greedy" and writing out 10 pages long of resolutions when I can break each and every one of them. Talk about a world record! =P

1. Send my devil of procrastination to hell, permanently. I have this tendency to procrastinate things, postponing and delaying doing them up until the very last minute. I don't know why I do that. I guess it's better to be late than never. What an excuse! Well, procrastination has brought me so many difficulties and scoldings and bombings from people. And it actually made my effort seem so in vain. Like studying last minute, and I got results lower than expected (even though it is way better than so many students in my class!). Doing projects last minute, which ensures me of a bad hair day tomorrow and of course, getting cranky when bombarded by the relevant people. Even to telling my mother last minute that I have to go somewhere in the next hour, which resulted in me getting scolded by her. Whoops!

See how many problems my inner devil had landed me into? There are many, many more examples, but I cannot remember them all. But I know that it always ended up with me being sorry with myself, which is often too late. So I'm determined to send that blasted devil to hell, and sending me to many successes, including getting good grades in my O Levels. Wish me lots of luck in tackling this; the most difficult feat of all time.

2. Be patient. I am not always a very patient person. Even though I may appear patient, but deep inside, oh how I wish knives will be sent flying towards that poor guy! I have to be patient with my dad who is known to take up lots of preparation time prior to going out. I have to be patient with myself who keeps getting into tantrum when things don't go their way. I have to be patient with everyone; family, friends and teachers included. And to be patient, one must learn to understand those around him, and put himself into other people's shoes. So that's what I'm going to do. Tough, but if I can master it, my life will be so much easier to live. =P

3. Keep fit and do more sports! I've just discovered recently how reasonably unfit I was. I lost my flexibility due to laziness, or procrastination, and my stamina went from good to not so good. Which is bad, as exercising is vital to keeping a good health. Without it, I will feel lethargic, easily tired, and very quickly getting very frustrated and sulky. And of course, no energy to even fulfill my resolutions. I have to try and take up taekwondo in my own free time, run whenever possible (so that I can join in my country's marathon later in December, hahaha!), stretch more, and improve my swimming. So many things, so little time.

Yep, I think that is it. Three. They aren't a lot, but boy, are they tough to stick to and fulfill. Nevertheless, I've got to try my best and make good use of 2007. I want this year to be as productive as, or even better than, last year.

I don't know why, but I'm pretty optimistic about this year. I think I can do it. I hope that I wouldn't say the opposite in a few days' time!

I guess everyone has crossed into the New Year already. Congratulations to everyone for making it to 2007! Once again, a very Happy New Year to everyone!

[+] There's more!

Yesterday, I was unlucky enough to meet two very angry people. Luckily, I was able to keep my cool despite their anger influencing my unstable emotions. It wasn't a pretty sight, and I tried to cool them down.

The first fuming person who I encountered was my team mate in an inter-school competition finals. It was about some computer studies quiz which was pretty tough even for the participants, and the audience there. So this girl here, my team mate, answered questions (in MCQ form) directed at her wrongly. In fact, she didn't managed to answer all of them correctly and she was unable to buzz in quick enough for the speed round. In short, she felt she has let her school down horribly and disappointed with her performance. Her anguish very quickly turned into anger and I think she started to blame herself as our school got last position in the finale, but third nationwide.

I don't blame her for messing up badly on the real day. I really sympathized for her as the questions directed at her were pretty tough, even my brain couldn't process an answer. It was bad, hard really. There was one question which every computer student should know, but she couldn't answer that. It was ironic that she was enrolled into the finals by a computer teacher at my school although she didn't take up Computer Studies. She even questioned that herself. But I think that the computer teacher knows that she has the potential and ability to remember all the computer facts (just because she was competent with HTML, CSS, some Flash and Adobe Photoshop).

So after the result was announced, we went off the stage formally. A staff there ushered us to an exit which no one took except for us. Her face "scrunched up" into many frowns and I was starting to worry that she was about to blow! She hit the door that leads to another room with her fist, pretty strongly in fact. Thank goodness she didn't hurt herself. I can only do nothing but keep quiet and try not to worry too much about her as it was normal for people to let out their frustrations that way. Knowing her tempers, I was surprised that it sort of escalated to that level. Later on, I tried to console her by telling her not to worry too much about it, that everything that we were stressing so much about is over etc. It didn't quite work as she had totally fogged up her thoughts with anger. At least she still can control her temper and talk quite normally, except that she was more frank, direct and a bit rude.

I tried consoling her from time to time after the competition, and I think it sort of worked. She slowly cooled herself down and slowly recovered, although I knew deep inside, she was still worked up. Luckily, our teachers didn't say much. At least they didn't expected so much!

Seeing her getting worked up at how much she messed up the quiz, I can't help but remember what happened many years ago when I was in Primary 5. I could almost relate my experience to hers. It was during an inter-school Maths competition finals. Sadly, I was able to answer one question on the real day and even that question was answered with the help secretly offered by my team mate (he wasn't supposed to as it was an individual round, and no team discussion is allowed). I just stared and blinked for the whole of the competition. It was really embarrassing. I feel so useless on that day. It made the courses on mental arithmetic that I took redundant, and it sort of knocked on my confidence for Mathematics. My school won anyway, no thanks to me.

The next year, I was once again invited or rather "forced" to join the competition but I backed off this time. I knew I wasn't capable for such mathematical-intensive competitions. Indirectly, I told the teacher-in-charge that I express no intention to join on that year. That angered him, and he told me that he would give me several days to think through it. When the days were up, I got pretty scared and somehow I went to toilet and that was the time he came to my class to look for me. I wasn't there, and I remember one of my friends telling me that he was really really mad and even cursed me (or something less harsher, I really don't know). I have never felt so intimidated in my life. He never forced me to join again, as he can't do anything anymore. That really make me start to dislike Maths even more and I felt quite incompetent when it comes to doing calculations. I tried avoiding meeting him as I walk past him. It was scary I tell you. Lucky for me I moved to my present school the next year, and I can't tell you how very relieved I am of not seeing him again.

So yes, I can relate myself to her situation. Teachers who expect things highly from us make situations worse, but fortunately for her, it wasn't really the case. She's okay now, and I'm glad that she is!


The second person who got enraged yesterday was my very own little brother. According to him, he got mad because his online game kept 'lagging' (he kept putting the blame on the Internet connection, but I blame the game's server/spyware/adware) and he got disconnected several times. Finally, his patience running thin, he acted up and hit on his keyboard and system unit very hard. I didn't know what had came to him until he came to my room frowning and in a state of depression and tried in vain the game again with my mother's laptop. I guessed that it didn't work as he stormed out again to watch TV. I scolded him for getting angry over little things. I should have kept my mouth shut.

He wasn't feeling entertained of course. When it was time to go out and cycle, he went out and cycled very very slowly in a bad mood. It was a very endearing seeing my brother who is normally cheerful and happy to be very angry over a game. He's a violent kind of person actually, but he sometimes ensure that his temper is kept in check. I dare not or rather was too lazy to console him, but I was worried about him at the same time. I ended up chatting with him online even though he was a few inches away using the laptop. I felt more comfortable chatting with him than confronting him and asking what's wrong. Eventually, he found other things to entertain himself and he then forgot what got him so worked up!

It's really interesting but scary (of course!) to see how people let out their anger. Some hit on something, some like to shout out, some like to cuss and swear constantly (mantra to cure anger), some rather suppress it and hope the anger would go away (like me), some show anger on their face and stay silent throughout their anger (like me), some like to scapegoat (like me), some spill out their anger on their friends and close ones (like me) and some even want to chronicle their anger on their diary/blog (like me!). I know one who tried to smile when she is angry!

How many times did that 'like me' phrase appear? *chuckle*

Anger isn't a very nice feeling to experience, and it's not fun to encounter angry people. I wish I know how to cool people down from their flared anger. I couldn't really do that, and more often than not it only made them more angry! I can get angry pretty easily too, even over the most menial things, I admit. But now, I try to control my anger and make sure they don't affect the people around me but I fail sometimes.

Being angry means that anger can cloud your sane consciousness and you might do really stupid or foolish things that you will end up regretting later. It happened to me a few times.

But then it's only human to be angry, isn't it? Patience is the key to manage one's anger. I salute to those who can do so! I can't! Hehe...

[+] There's more!

I'm kind of peeved that the web browsers in my PC kept on crashing for no reason, and thus the blog post that I have written is lost forever. And I have to retype everything again. Luckily, I didn't say much over there. Let's hope my mom's laptop I'm using now can last.

I'm sorry for not blogging for about a week or so. I wasn't home from Wednesday to Saturday as I went out of country to Sabah for a school holiday excursion trip. It was really fun. And for these past few days, I wasn't really in a mood to blog nor even bother to complete my 50 000 worded novel. That's bad. I feel so unmotivated to come back and find out that I'm already a few thousand words behind the recommended milestone I should achieve, and now it's getting worse. I'm already 10 000 words behind! It's frustrating really, and November is about to reach its 3rd week.

In this blog post, I want to vent out some of the frustrations I had yesterday from chatting with a certain girl. I shall give you some background knowledge on her. Two years ago, I had had quite a crush on this girl and set up a rendezvous with her at the library. In the presence of my best friend (I brought him along to give me moral support), I told her I like her, and she fled the scene. And I was heartbroken of course, as I took it as a sign that she didn't fancy me. So gradually, my feelings towards her slowly dwindle down even though we still remain as friends.

This year, she moved to another school and I remained in my school happily living my life. It was only a few months ago that she IM-ed me, finally telling me that she did indeed like me, but it was really too late for me, us to do anything because I totally have no more feelings for her. I appreciate the fact that she found the courage to tell me after all these years but I wonder what her intention was. She told me all this after she poured over her dilemma to me, saying that some guy 2 years younger than her fancied her, even loved her (talk about instant romance development). So she asked me for advice and I couldn't really give any proper ones because I have never ever experienced having a girlfriend yet. I do have a couple of crushes, but somehow, nothing work (I'm doomed to be a bachelor LOL!).

So I told her to dump him asap, seeing that she doesn't even like that guy and doesn't even know him that well(she knew him through her friend's friend). I really don't know why but she obligingly stuck by to him for a couple of months as she dare not break up with him although I have told her countless times to do so. She kept updating me with the news of how she was still with him and to be honest, I really am bored with hearing it and told her the same thing: break up with him.

She finally did recently, but the poor lovesick boy pestered her by miss calling her. It's sad, really. I wonder if he got the message that the girl doesn't like him. It takes two hands to clap, you know. Yesterday, she went on to tell me how busy she is now after her exams; she took part in many many academic competitions because she wanted her "sports house to win". I admit that it sound really impressive, although deep inside me I was jealous of her. You see, we used to be academic rivals. She took the top spot of the class while I am just behind her.

She got herself into such a busy mess, right? So why, oh why, does she have to rely on me to give her the points for her debate and her speech? I don't get it, she IS indeed smarter than me, so why does she rely on me instead of herself? I know I sound like a selfish guy and not being a very good altruist, but hey, I think she doesn't want to move that big brain of hers up there. Ha, you know what's worse? She decided to call me this Sunday (or some day) and expect answers from me. Whoah, that's getting a little bit too much ma'am!

I don't know why this time, she didn't want to pester other people besides me. I have noticed that she had started to take advantage of me last year (although not as much as others) by copying my homework, asking for help and do her academical whims and whams. Is it because she still thinks I am in love with her? No way, no more!

Okay, this sucks. I don't even know what I'm rambling about. I just don't want to help her at all, since it's her problem not mine! I might help her a little bit if only she already has come up with points and wants my suggestions for more.

In the end, we came to that "agreement" and I closed the chat window. I was busy chatting with some other friends online when suddenly, her window popped up, saying "HEY DARLING, PLEASE HELP ME!" I should be flattered, but I'm more grossed out and I feel even more compelled to not help her. So I was about to tell her off when she said that it was her friend who typed. I was pretty much enraged, but I kept those to myself. First of all, why does she tell her friend who I don't know that she used to like a guy who liked her? Her friend even called me by my name. And her friend went on to ask me what my fancy MSN handle means when I sort of ignored her because I don't get what she was talking about. Arrogantly, she quickly concluded that I don't even know what it means. Hello? I know what it means okay, I just don't get what you're typing! I felt such like an idiot, and was about to ignore both of them when she said bye. So bye, *@#$%!

What am I supposed to do when she calls me? Ignore her? Help her? Say "I havent't thought of anything yet?" (planning to use this excuse)? Arghhh, I'm so frustrated! Since when has her debate became my debate. I feel like a fool. And then on that day itself, her pleading voice might swoon me all over again.

Maybe it's the holiday bug that bit me.

Or not.

I don't feel like getting involve with her life anymore. I know that's pretty mean and drastic and she didn't do anything to "hurt" me. I don't know. Somehow, deep inside me, I just dislike her...

I hope she wouldn't keep to her word and so don't call me. Or even worse, come to my house and ask for help. I would not answer the door but my mom would be there and she will make me entertain and help my guests.

This is stupid...Help?

[+] There's more!