Looking at this postcard in today's PostSecret blog post, I cannot help but wonder how much my own life will change if I will have a child, whether he/she be my own flesh and blood or be adopted. Will I ever be a good father?

[+] There's more!

I met the IB Head yesterday, and after listening to his thorough explanation about it, I was in awe of the diploma programme and I am really enthusiastic about it. I'll be a late entry since their semester has already begun (the school year begins on August; it is an international British school) but judging from my "impressive grades" (so they say), they will say I have little problems catching up and integrating myself into my classes quickly.

I shook my head in amazement. "Wow!" and "Like, seriously?!" is all I can say! =)

I do have reasons for liking the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme (colloquially known as IB) because of its breadth. 6 subjects are read - 2 languages (I love!), 1 Science, 1 Humanities, 1 Maths (bummer) and 1 elective. It provides a balanced education which is good for people like me who are still undecided about their career tracks. Currently, I'm thinking of majoring in the field of Biology but I'm still unsure and I want to keep my options open.

Besides that, there's the Extended Essay on which you can write extensively (4000 words) about absolutely anything relevant to a subject! And then, there's the philosophical Theory of Knowledge (cool!) and CAS which is basically doing compulsory co-curricular activities about anything!

Those elements combined in the IB makes it really exciting and worthwhile to pursue as a pre-university course. I have read online that it's a great preparation for university as it teaches you time-management skills and lets one get used to the workload which is ridiculously a lot. I sorely need to polish up those skills and I would find it immensely helpful if I can struggle earlier so that I may get used to it. =)

I don't think the local sixth form schools really prepare me that rigorously. You'll only specialise in 3 subjects and that's it. Well, I don't know. I haven't done much research on A Levels yet and I don't think I will since there isn't much information online on what the local schools offer. Sure, it's free (I think) for locals like me and I thought it would be worthwhile to take that up. Then again, I was sold by IB. So I guess I'll be sticking to it. I hope it is one of the good decisions I've made in life. I have a week to think about it before I finalise my decision. If you do have more information about the IB or even A Levels, please don't hesitate to comment. ;) I love to hear your inputs.

Speaking of IB, I do have a slight dilemma about my subject choices! =O I'm still juggling with my languages! =O But before that, below is the list of my current choices:
HL English A1
HL Biology
HL Geography
SL Mandarin B
SL Maths
SL Chemistry

N.B. SL means Standard Level while HL means Higher Level. One has to take 3 HL subjects and 3 SL subjects.

I was advised to drop down to SL English as I had not done literature works before. SL English maintains the same calibre as HL English with the exception of the number of books and the strict marking of HL English. Seeing that, I think it will be wiser for me to offer SL English instead as it would be easier for me to obtain a higher aggregate. I think at least 10 books are involved in SL! *gasp* How am I suppose to remember them all?!

On the other hand, I have difficulty choosing Malay, Mandarin, French and Spanish.

1. It's easy for me to score in Malay because I was told that the Malay in IB is simpler than the Malay I am currently doing now in O Levels (yes, the papers I sat were a major killer)! I was really surprised to hear that, but that's good news for me. I'm not so bad in Malay. They told me with my scores, I can easily score a 7 (the highest marks in an IB subject) in it. The thing is, I'm not that into it. It can be really boring at times. =( I don't think my interest in it can be sustained further after my last exam. However, I do not want to lose my grip on Malay either...


2. Ah, Mandarin, my arch-nemesis! I abhored this subject since primary school. Seriously, how complex can a language be? The squiggles, the sheer number of characters you need to know before you can actually read, the "I forgot how to write this word and I'm doomed" scenarios, the way-too-colourful idioms, vocabulary mastery, character mastery... *shudder* It was too much, and I was glad to be transferred to an English-medium school after 6 years of Chinese education. =O It was refreshing to interact with Roman characters!
   
   However, now that I'm older and wiser, I'd love to give my mother tongue another chance. I'm quite embarrassed as a Chinese to be poorly literated in Chinese. I would love to once again reconnect with my Chinese heritage and roots. Because it's my identity and it forms an integral part of who I am. It doesn't matter if I know German, French, Spanish, Japanese, Icelandic etc. if I can't do well in my own mother tongue. If I take up Mandarin again, I'll be doing it out of honour and slight interest. Sure, my fears hold me back but what have I got to lose? I think a two-years refresher's course in Mandarin will do me good. Besides, I can do Mandarin B (I think it will be something like a upper primary school curriculum). To qualify for it, I need 4 to 5 years educational background in Chinese and I already have it.
   
   Relearning the vocabulary is another issue, though. Hehehe! =O *faints*



3. Ah, French and Spanish. Oh, beautiful Romance languages! I love the sounds and the words and how can you not adore the Roman characters? The thing is, I will have difficulty learning these ab initio. As I'm already 4 months behind course, I will have to spend my December holidays trying to suck up everything and get comfortable with the language. It's kind of impossible and it can be a major set-back. I was advised not to do these since they are detrimental to my grades. I could have gotten a 7 in, say, Malay, instead of a 5 in Spanish ab initio. I do however have some basic knowledge in Spanish after a failed attempt in trying to pick it up two years ago. I love European languages!

And I'm at loss at what to do! I was advised to do SL English A1 (first language) and HL Mandarin B instead to maximise my grade potential. After thinking thoroughly, I thought it would be better to do HL Chemistry instead of HL Mandarin (or whatever) since some biochemistry is involved in Biology in university courses. So yeah, maybe that could do.

Guys, what am I supposed to do? Pick up which language? =S My heart tells me to do Mandarin for some strange reasons, but I'm still not too sure. I'm still weighing my options at the moment and I need some opinions on this. =)


----------


Yesterday, I made a starking discovery which I should have known a long time ago. I do actually but I wasn't so aware of it and I eventually forgot about it. I stumbled on the best study method ever. It's called simply sitting on the desk and study!

That's right. It's so simple and I had done that a few years ago by writing my own notes with pen and paper. I then switched to typing out my notes on computer and yeah, it's pretty obvious that my concentration wavered with the 24 hours Internet connection. I always take the opportunity to surf the Internet as I type out notes. I'm surprised at my short-term attention span.

I tried studying on the desk after trying to study on a low sofa, on my bed, on a rotating office chair and on the computer. All failed, except studying at the desk. It was a pleasant experience and change to actually study seriously without distractions. I now realise that sitting by the desk and study is an old but still effective environment to study as it forces me to focus on the book in front of me. Posture is good too. My long legs can comfortably touch the floor. There was minimal backache and sores too.

I was really happy. I have successfully studied 6 chapters (small and digestible ones first) of Biology in just 2 hours. I was shocked but elated. I got to try again today, and tomorrow and throughout the whole week. Or maybe it only works on Biology, my favourite subject. =( I hope not! As you can see from my schedule, the last few exams are hardcore and imminently important because they can make or break my future. =| Or maybe that's just my attitude towards science subjects.

These past few days, I find myself listening to music I've downloaded to my computer. I'm an irregular music listener, but suddenly, I enjoy listening to them everyday especially songs I like and are music to my ears (no pun intended!). =) It's strange. I'm actually listening to some right now, and I'm now riding on a roller coaster of emotions. =S Lol!

[+] There's more!

Oh man, I'm nervous. =( I am going to meet the IB Head later to enquire him about the International Baccalaureate programme. You know all this while, I thought I had no doubts in continuing my education via A Levels, but after discovering the interesting IB programme, I have totally changed my mind. Well, sort of. The meeting later will be something like an enquiry session so that I can know about it.

Nevertheless, I still feel nervous. I'm not comfortable with people asking about my academic and overall performance. It's just so nerve-wrecking. Even though I do have good academic credentials, I sometimes feel that mweh, I don't really deserve it.

I just hope I won't mess up and stutter or whatever. I don't want to mess up my first interview. First impressions are really important... =S What am I saying? This isn't really an interview, it's an "enquiry session". Hopefully, I will come back with an enrolment form and think through about my decisions.

[+] There's more!

I think I have finally found a motivation to excel in my mocks. This is it! Are you ready?



Hoo boy! It doesn't get better than this. Behold, ladies and germs, Palm TX! Notice the amazing geometry and solid piece of technology. It's perfect from every angle. Sleek, beautiful and black. It's so much better than a mobile phone - it doesn't ring! =D

The local newspaper yesterday featured an article on the Sony Reader. Initially after reading it, I actually wanted a Sony Reader (an e-book device). I thought it will be nice to purchase good e-books from the Internet instead of relying on Amazon.com or going to the Australian Borders branch during my December holidays (I hate waiting! =P). Lugging 10+ books back home is no easy task! Besides, the bookshelf at home ran out of space.

Unfortunately, it is only available for sale in the United States. (I wonder why they feature that article if that's the case.) Many months will have passed before it hits the local market and by then, a new version could have probably come out. It may be cheaper than a Palm TX but too bad it's monofunctional. It is great to read an e-book for a long period of time without worrying of dead battery, but it is worth spending a few hundred dollars on a device which I can only read an e-book?

So I decided to procrastinate sacrifice my study time to look for a perfect computer device which is small and light enough to read e-books while I can still perform other things using it. Naturally, PDAs fit the criteria. So I went wiki-ing for devices as well as window shopping at Amazon.com.

I found Palm Z22 which is more affordable. However, the local online e-store does not sell it. However, of all PDAs, they are selling a Palm TX, which is No. 1 on the Palm bestseller list in Amazon.com. I cannot believe my luck and utter joy. And it's a steal as well. It's cheaper than the list price at Singapore. (By the way, it's sold for about US$330.)

I can't believe it. I am so tempted to use my mom's credit card and make a purchase immediately when I thought why not make it as a source of motivation? If I can score good results, then I will burn a hole in my pocket and buy myself the Palm TX.

And that's that. I so desire one now!

Being a smart shopper, I did a little research on this nifty technological gizmo. There were rave reviews about it. Of course, it can display e-books, it is a diary planner and has all those calendar options (I like it! I keep a diary planner for the purposes of homework) and the battery can last for a good decent hours.

Getting a Palm TX comes with a hefty price. I shall write an amateur poem to describe my predicament:
Aggregate: 18
A2s and B4s
3 of each
coupled with moolah
Palm TX
Glittery and shiny
Then only it shall be mine
Mine, mine, mine!

N.B. A2 = 85 to 89; B4 = 75 to 79. Aggregate is the sum of the numeric grades of one's best six subjects.

So it doesn't rhyme, but hey it gets the message across. So I better buckle up and start working for it. I want to be a proud owner of Palm TX! It's pretty materialistic of me, but I'm really desperate.

On the other hand, I think it's kind of impossible because I haven't been studying much lately. I'm slackening off so badly. I wonder what's wrong with me. =(

Anyway, come to think of it, I have never had a source of motivation to study. This is my first time to study for something - to get a reward in the end. This time, my reward does not only come in the form of good grades and pride, but also, for the love of Palm TX.

Wish me luck!

P.S. If you are a user of Palm TX, tell me what you think of it. ;) Do you think I should get another PDA other than Palm TX?

[+] There's more!

For those who happen to read the previous version of this blog post, I shouldn't have blogged about it so vaguely. I was so worried and overcame with fear by the problem I was facing, and I couldn't put my messy and disorientated thoughts into words. It always happens when I get worried. It took me a while to snap myself back to reality. =(

I would like to retell the last moments of completing the application form for the ASEAN scholarship before mailing it to the Ministry of Education in Singapore. I nearly jeopardised my own future by procrastinating "filling up" the application form, (I cannot believe I procrastinated) and I was rushing to complete everything by today. By hook or by crook I did! Despite a "happy ending", I'm not proud of myself. I hated myself for procrastinating such crucial tasks that makes my future. I nearly break my future. I'm so mad with myself.

I should have written down the CCAs and competitions that I participated in during 2004 - 2006 and handed it to my form teacher who will write a testimony for me (which is required to be attached to the scholarship form) on Thursday. No, I have to surrender to laziness and reluctance in doing it on the same school day as I thought, "Nothing could ever go wrong on Friday - I can pass it to her tomorrow and presto! A testimony on Saturday! Then I can mail it!". =D It sounded like a good plan to me.

So after trying hard to jumpstart my brain and prompt for memories, I finally finished the whole list and I planned to pass it to her at the end of her lesson. The bell rang and off she went in a rush to the staff room and to her car. I tried finding her but I lost her until I realised she must be heading to her car! =O So off I went while I alerted my fellow prefect to stop her car! She wasn't able to, unfortunately.

I quickly ran down and ran with all my might, trying to chase her car when I realised I wasn't a cheetah. I couldn't do anything except to watch helplessly at the disappearing white car. I was panicking by then. My plan "failed" and I hate it when things don't go to my plan! I resorted to asking my form teacher's phone number from a friend.

To cut a long story short, I finally contacted her at around 5 p.m. and she asked me where is my CCAs list. So I explained from A to Z. *phew* Thank goodness she roughly knew what was happening, so she asked me to pass her the list the next morning. At that time, I was worried. What if I wasn't able to finish everything up on time? I didn't want to worry myself on what will happen the next day, so I forgot about it until the next morning.

I passed the list to her and she wrote quite a nice testimonial of my involvement in CCAs. I then got permission from her to use the computer laboratory and type out everything since she was a slow typist herself (she admitted it to my class =P ). I spent roughly 45 minutes to finish everything and let the relevant authorities to sign my CCAs testimonial. Once all was done, I went back to my class, exhausted but gleeful that I could finish it on time (or so I thought)!

Another drama unraveled when I was on my way back home. My mom told me that the courier services are closed on Saturday afternoons. Worries began to haunt my thoughts. How? I was exasperated and acted like a loony out of desperation. I asked my mom whether she could make phone calls to the courier services and enquire for their business hours.

I showered peacefully for 10 minutes assuming that one of the companies are still operating. After stepping out of shower, I was told that UPS will close at 2 p.m. sharp and I had little than 15 minutes to complete everything and to allow ample driving time. I flustered (and how I wished I didn't - adrenaline was already pumping throughout my body!) and quickly retrieved the application form and the CCAs testimonials and quickly enter the more important CCAs into the 'Co-Curricular Activites' field. I did not realised I took part in so many competitions and activites - I was mostly involved with Malay, Computer and English competitions as well as UNSW ICAS competitions. I had no idea how I am going to fit all that in to 10 rows. I had to omit some as there wasn't much choice. There was no time to print out extra rows. I had to even merge some recurrent activities together into one field and wrote a few years under the Year field. =S

I seriously hope I had not done anything wrong. I hope they will overlook the mistakes I made in some records of the 'Level of Participation' field plus the activities weren't "really sorted" in chronological order since I took part in quite a number of activities in successive years. =S

Besides that, I failed to comply an instruction as there wasn't enough time to do that. I will not say which instruction in case the relevant parties stumble into this blog! =O I really hope I will still be considered for the scholarship despite the flaws I made. I should not have done everything at the last minute. I have not even checked whether I filled up all fields or not! *gives an aghast look*

Oh my goodness. I seriously am in big trouble. I honestly do not intend to waste anyone's time (i.e. the teachers) for writing my testimonials due to my procrastination. =( My habit got a little bit too far this time. I nearly cried just now as I was quite certain this scholarship will not be secured since it was nearly 2 p.m. when my mom left to mail the form via UPS which closes at that time.

My mom told me that she had to argue with a UPS employee as there was no flight to Singapore until Tuesday. So that means my application form will fail to reach the Singaporean Ministry of Education on time, and I'll be so doomed! Instant rejection, I can already imagine! =(

Thankfully, my mom was given DHL's telephone number and thank God, the last delivery to the airport was at 3.30 p.m. =D. She quickly filled everything up and the delivery was done by DHL, even though this means my mom has to fork out US$16.00 to pay the delivery charges. I'm rather embarrassed to say this, but money wasn't the issue at the moment, as long as it reaches Singapore safe and sound by Monday, 16th of April 2007!



So far so good, but I pray hard that it will reach there on time. It's been a while since I last prayed... =\

Never again will I ever take deadlines for granted, thinking that "Oh, it can be postponed!". Maybe my school teachers will allow that, but I don't think serious business like this do entertain that. That is why deadlines were established in the first place! I am ashamed of my actions. It brought me considerable trouble, not only to me, but to my mom and teachers.

What more, procrastination nearly ruined my future! =O

What's the story behind the procrastination that sparked this drama I hate to experience again?

My reason sounds rather embarrassing and very illogical. =( I was simply perplexed with the whole CCAs testimonial process. I wasn't quite sure who to turn to, who to ask. In fact, I hate asking these sort of questions. I find it really awkward. To tell you the truth, I strive to not let anyone know that I'm applying for this scholarship, but of course that's kind of impossible.

There are reasons for keeping that as a secret. One is due to my pseudo-kiasuism nature (I do not want people, especially my rivals, to apply for this too once they know I'm applying and make the competition stiff *sigh*) and another reason is because I dislike people questioning why or to know about this. I don't know, I feel really uncomfortable if people know that. I prefer doing things quietly and letting them know when the time is right, whenever it is. At least I can retreat silently if I fail to get it.

They're mostly personal, and maybe a deep-rooted yet non-existent reasons cultivated in my character which drives me to keep my mouth shut and say "Mom's the word". I tried to force myself to tell the relevant parties about it but I just don't know whom to approach. It wasn't until I read Mona Lisa's blog where she stated that she is going to apply for the scholarship as well (Yay?). So I e-mailed her and she replied that I have to get the teachers to write it for me. I'm quite surprised why my school does not keep records like these for the students. Maybe they do, but it's out of the student's limits...

After MUCH hesitation (my heartbeat rate increases when I try to approach my form teacher to ask about this matter, so I never asked =( ), I finally asked my form teacher (well, the deadline was looming closer!) where to obtain it and she said that she has to write it. Everything pretty much went downhill from there.

I know my fears are irrational. Even I myself don't understand what and why I'm worried. If it weren't for them, I would have handed up the application form eons ago!

All in all, I'm glad that everything somehow turned up alright but I know that is no cause for celebration. My application form has to pass the "panel of judges". If it can't, well, that's it. Sayonara to education in Singapore. I guess I can understand why since at the end of the day, it was all my fault for messing things up. *choke* I don't want it to happen, even though I will know it was my procrastination and fear which leads me to my failure. I really did not have to courage to speak out my desires. Maybe due to potential embarrassment, maybe due to fear, maybe I disliked troubling people... =(

I wonder in amazement how I still "did not really learn the lesson" after countless cases of troubles procrastination has led me to. Am I waiting for my procrastination to bring catastrophe into my life and add the prefix in- to my sanity?

Despite all these, I want to be given a chance to go to Singapore to be educated and receive valuable experiences. I hope... I pray... Amen.

[+] There's more!

I remembered that I was tagged by TopChamp once upon a time. Whoops, I can't believe it took me a month to respond to the tag. As I am in need to define my goals clearly, I am going to take advantage of this Five Things Meme and list down the goals I need to achieve this year. Priority is given to the most important tasks I need to accomplish, of course. ;)

Five goals to set my eyes on:

1. Faithfully revise at the very least 1 subject a day. This is so much easier said than done. =( With the hectic schedules I will be having up the coming year, I don't think I can risk burning the midnight oil again. I shall prove to myself that I can do it for the upcoming mid-year examinations. I have a feeling I will surprise myself (good or bad). A subject a day keeps procrastination at bay. =D (My conscience thinking: "Right...")

2. Improve on my linguistic skills, especially Malay. To be honest, my Malay teacher isn't helping much to further refine my stuttering Malay. I can even feel my grip on the language loosening and the level of Malay slowly sinking into the never-ending abyss. I seriously need to pull my ropes together - by reading Malay novels 24/7 and have that big fat Malay dictionary nearby to look up for unfamiliar (and once familiar) words. Hopefully, when my active vocabulary list has build up to the standard level, I'll be able to handle this language much more eloquently. =\ Same goes to English, I am beginning to feel that the once-beautiful words I spontaneously learned are slowly becoming cliched with frequent use. Time to widen the vocabulary pool. The same applies to German too.

It's the vocabulary in each of these respective languages that is holding me back from expressing myself "eloquently". I have no problems with understanding the syntax of these languages. My vocabulary needs to be expanded!

3. Get the school prefects' magazine done. I need to tell my council members to get writing reports of the school activities that took place this year. I need to study more magazines to get a feel of how magazines are designed. Time to subscribe to Readers' Digest! *chuckles* Cancel the humour there, I do not want to think about the head of prefect to give a big thumbs down to our magazine and begin doing everything by herself. =(

4. Learn to use Macromedia Flash 8 and master it within 3 months for the sake of an inter-school computer competition. I think it will be fun, but the problem is my reluctance to learn new things (again!) and also the lethargy of committing myself into it seriously.

5. Lastly, to learn to manage my time well. Without this, my mission of realising my goals will evaporate just like that. I need to say no to temptation, say no to procrastination and like what Nike has said: "Just do it!"

This time, I'm not tagging anyone but if you are up for it, then be my guest and have a go at this meme. You can talk five things about any subject; it does not need to be about your goals. =)

There are so many things I want to blog but I procrastinated again just couldn't find the time and energy to do so. This was also supposed to be written a long time ago, so that I know where I stand and where am I supposed to head. I wish I could sleep now but I need to learn up something for tomorrow's Flash training. *sigh* So much for beauty sleep. I see you guys soon! *weak smile*

[+] There's more!

I think it's time to shed some truth. I haven't been studying the last week, and the last. I took the break mainly because I wasn't in the mood the blog. As you can see, my blog posts weren't as exciting as last time's, as if life has been sucked out of me. I think that's kind of true. Ever since school has begun, I haven't been quite myself (except in school, where I can laugh out loud with friends). According to my brother, he said I'm two completely different persons during the school holidays and during school days. He said I'm more serious now than the last time when I visited him.

That's kind of true. I had to be serious as it's really a crucial year for me this year. Unfortunately, I have yet to be fully committed to my school work. All I have done this year is paying attention in most of my classes, go home and worry about how I should catch up on schoolwork. And instead of concentrating on my revision, I went instead to play on my PC! This recurs every single day, until the final days leading to my first tests.

Something went wrong. I didn't have the heart to study. My heart felt heavy everytime when I touched my textbooks that are 150 pages thick on average. The dreaded texts of nothing but knowledge that needs to be crammed into my brain which is reapplied later in exams.

I then begin to worry how I have to pick up my books to study. It's a must, no excuses. To shrug myself away from my problem, I went online and surf around the Internet. I don't even know what websites I have been surfing. Possibly my friends' blogs and unfortunately, none of you guys' blogs...and mine.

I haven't been blogging consistently and I am very aware of that fact. I took school as an excuse but it wasn't really school. All of a sudden, my heart isn't into blogging anymore (indirectly related to my worries that I should be studying). I just wanted to get away from the blogosphere as I'm quite exhausted from blogging and I encountered relentless blogger's (writer's) block. That explains why I haven't been commenting at or visited your sites. I just want to thank you guys so much for patiently waiting for my return. =)

Back to what I was saying. Lately, I begun to lurk around The Student Room forum where I can get to read first-hand experiences of senior students studying in sixth forms and universities in U.K. It was exciting to read their posts and I really look up to them as they are mostly pretty diligent students themselves. I kept imagining and telling myself that in a few years' time, I will be like them enjoying university life.

That is my dream, and dream is what I do. Act is what I don't.

I told myself, "Snap out of it! If you don't do anything to pull your socks up now, you're not going to end up in university. That's not the way to do it. Pick up your books and make them a reality!". So I did, and I groaned. It's simply too much. I was lazy and tired of studying. I just want to have eternal good things to befall on me, just like that. I know life isn't going to work out that way, sadly I just don't realise it.

I have this hobby of daydreaming about my future. It rather simple really: Do A-Levels and do my four or five subjects, move on to a British university and major in Biology and maybe minoring in Psychology or some other things (it keeps changing) and get a job. What job? I don't know...

Somehow, the idea of doing Psychology isn't very appealing to me anymore. Sure, I'd like to study it, but am I ready to be committed to its field for 30 odd years? Sounds like a long time to me. And thus, plans of my future is messed up. And I have to strive to think up of backup plans, bringing me back to The Student Room and other miscellaneous university and career websites.

I think I'm too young to think about all these things. I worry too much about my future and I have set my sights too far. I need to have short-term goals, like to get distinctions in my O Levels. Yet, I cannot help but be interested in what happens to me in 2 - 3 years time. I forgot that absolutely anything can happen. It's funny that these happens during periods of exams and tests.

Very, very ironic. =S

I smile at the perfect plan(s) I have created. I will be disappointed when all things go wrong.

Like now, when I'm supposed to be studying for my tests tomorrow. Yet, I am the least bothered to pick up my finger to revise thoroughly. Maybe later, I always tell myself, at 11 pm where I can rush through and cram all the required information into that petite brain of mine.

There I go again. Procrastinating, and taking things for granted.

Taking things for granted... Eerily, that phrase keeps popping out to me. In books I read, during Christian religious knowledge classes, my best friend... Someone up there is trying to tell me something. And I fail to heed to it.

I think it's my attitude which is the main problem here. Ignorance and taking things for granted is just "so me". =( Why am I waiting for someone to give me a kick in the rear and shake me profusely, yelling me to wake up and take a look at reality?

This is really weird.

I have yet to tell the Deputy Principal that I'm going to drop Sociology. Yes, I made up my mind, I'm dropping it, because I took things for granted, thinking that it's piss easy and I can do it. Apparently, I couldn't because I did not apply the effort to try. In short, I am just plain lazy and I procrastinated. Again.

And that is why I never dared to tell her. It was my mistake. I thank myself for being stupid in making such a haste decision. And that's not the only reason why...

This is going to be embarrassing. =( Another reason why I never approached is because of my friends! I don't want them to know anything about me taking an additional subject, and me dropping it again in the end. Indirectly, the taking of Sociology was the cause for me dropping Additional Maths. If my teacher finds out about this, she's not going to be happy and shake her head. I should have taken it as extra instead of Sociology which I can learn properly in A Levels.

I was too impatient to wait for two years and then to pick it up. Being the "smart" person I am, I took it up first, and because I couldn't bare to not take Geography (I love the subject, despite the sheer amount of things I need to remember =P), I dropped Additional Maths. No one knows the real reason why. It's just "inappropriate" for an academically sound student like me to drop such a subject which is considered stimulating enough for me. I sometimes regretted my own decisions in dropping Additional Maths. From what I heard from friends, the chapters following the very first chapter we learned last year was quite easy and "a walk in a park".

*sigh* I cannot believe choices like that can ricochet off many problems that comes with it. My choices of subjects were inadvertently affected by my main sole decision which is hasty, i.e. taking up of Sociology.

Subconsciously, I am quite troubled by that. Now, I need to inform of my decisions to the Deputy Principal as soon as possible before it's too late. I fear that she will inform my form teacher of my decision, and she will unintentionally announced it to the whole class, with my friends shooting me questions that I couldn't really answer.

If that happens, I will honestly be in deep shit and there wouldn't be any way of dropping it without dying of embarrassment. =S

One haste decision, so many consequences. Is that what life is all about?

Due to that very reason, I kept thinking about it subconsciously and I will retaliate in horror with the sheer mention of the words "Sociology", "extra subject", "9th subject", "Additional Maths" and even "GCE O Levels". You can see my face going pale and I suddenly acting nervous and trembling. It's that bad seeing that it sparked off phobias after phobias, worries after worries, fears after fears...

I honestly want to turn back time and undo what I have done. A part of me don't want that, because I don't want to go through the hassles I have been through last year. *frowns*

I need to do something about it, fast! Yet I'm held back by fear. I'm really scared...

On the other hand, I saw an advertisement in the local newspaper about the ASEAN scholarship to study in Singapore for A Levels. I'd love to get hold of it, unfortunately that scholarship will present problems if I do get hold of it.

• Subjects I would love to take up for A Levels, i.e. Sociology and Psychology, aren't offered by the MOE, let alone the schools themselves.
• I can't choose my school.
• I'm not ready to leave home.
• From what I heard, the students over there are fiercely competitive and scary when it comes to education. So is life there.
• There's CCAs to attend to besides school and that will take up a lot of time.
• 7 subjects to do instead of 4, with 3 compulsory ones which I do not fancy doing.
• I won't get to choose the schools myself.
• I don't think I can cope with it.

On the other hand, the education in Singapore is rigorous and high in quality, thus securing my future. Not only that, but the busy life I will have over there will present me the opportunity to practice time management and to eradicate my problems of procrastination. Also, I will gain more life experiences.

Again, decisions, decisions, decisions. It's either I get hold of the scholarship and study for free in Singapore, or I stay home and go to a local sixth form public school where I can get "free education" from the government (since I'm a local).

This time, I'm determined to not make any mistakes again. Once has been enough to making my life a misery. =( I got until April 2 to respond, and during this short period, I need to ponder about it.

For the time being, I need to forget about it and concentrate on tomorrow's subjects. They're way more crucial! =P

To end this, it's my attitude which is the problem. Now, I need to change it by hook or by crook for the better. To benefit me not only now, but for the rest of my life. Commitments. It's so hard to make. And it comes hand in hand with determination.

The only problem is how.

I feel so much better now after heaving this off my chest! I hope you guys don't find it too weird - I need to be honest with myself. Thank you guys for reading, and once again, I apologise for my absence from this part of the blogosphere. =)

[+] There's more!

Just this morning, when I woke up and checked up the comments in the blog post below, I got the biggest shock in my life: My best friend has found out my secret blog. It was of course my mistake, I accidentally posted 2 comments with this username I'm having now at my other blog which I share with him. I was really scared and I didn't know what to do. I panicked (naturally, for me) and quickly removed those comments which could cost me my privacy and secrecy.

Now I'm paranoid that in that span of roughly 12 hours, how many friends of mine have actually clicked on that comment, saw mine there, and curiously checked out my blog site? I shudder to think about it. Fortunately, my fears were suppressed greatly by the fact that only my best friend has only stumbled upon this blog so far, and I really hope that no one else has. If they really do, expect to see a relocation of this site if I feel my privacy and security has been jeopardized.

I then signed in to MSN, hoping that he's online and sooner or later, he came on! I immediately asked him about so many things relating to his discovery. I guess that it was only fated for him to find out about this website, and for me to accidentally commented with my username. Soon, the topic went on to our friendship, and we both learned a lot from each other, repaired and strengthened the fragility of our relationships and in the end, we welcomed each other back into each of our lives. It has been indeed, a very trying year for us last year and we had some communication barriers which unfortunately, has lead to the downfall of our relationships.

I'm really glad that his discovery had taken place, as without it, we would still be "far" from each other. Talk about a blessing in disguise. It was definitely the sweetest start to a new year. I shall never, ever forget it and I thank him that he will always be there for me and for taking the time to chat with me. It definitely cleared up the fog between us.

Once again, I thank you so, so much, my dear best friend =). And you are always welcome here anytime!


There is so much to comprehend, but I'm glad everything is clear now. A fresh start to a new year, and that is great! Of course, a new year comes with another New Year's Resolutions which I hope I will not break this year. I must, must, must be fully committed to it! Even though it's easier said than done.

Genies dish out three free wishes, and because of that, I should write out three resolutions. There isn't much point trying to be "greedy" and writing out 10 pages long of resolutions when I can break each and every one of them. Talk about a world record! =P

1. Send my devil of procrastination to hell, permanently. I have this tendency to procrastinate things, postponing and delaying doing them up until the very last minute. I don't know why I do that. I guess it's better to be late than never. What an excuse! Well, procrastination has brought me so many difficulties and scoldings and bombings from people. And it actually made my effort seem so in vain. Like studying last minute, and I got results lower than expected (even though it is way better than so many students in my class!). Doing projects last minute, which ensures me of a bad hair day tomorrow and of course, getting cranky when bombarded by the relevant people. Even to telling my mother last minute that I have to go somewhere in the next hour, which resulted in me getting scolded by her. Whoops!

See how many problems my inner devil had landed me into? There are many, many more examples, but I cannot remember them all. But I know that it always ended up with me being sorry with myself, which is often too late. So I'm determined to send that blasted devil to hell, and sending me to many successes, including getting good grades in my O Levels. Wish me lots of luck in tackling this; the most difficult feat of all time.

2. Be patient. I am not always a very patient person. Even though I may appear patient, but deep inside, oh how I wish knives will be sent flying towards that poor guy! I have to be patient with my dad who is known to take up lots of preparation time prior to going out. I have to be patient with myself who keeps getting into tantrum when things don't go their way. I have to be patient with everyone; family, friends and teachers included. And to be patient, one must learn to understand those around him, and put himself into other people's shoes. So that's what I'm going to do. Tough, but if I can master it, my life will be so much easier to live. =P

3. Keep fit and do more sports! I've just discovered recently how reasonably unfit I was. I lost my flexibility due to laziness, or procrastination, and my stamina went from good to not so good. Which is bad, as exercising is vital to keeping a good health. Without it, I will feel lethargic, easily tired, and very quickly getting very frustrated and sulky. And of course, no energy to even fulfill my resolutions. I have to try and take up taekwondo in my own free time, run whenever possible (so that I can join in my country's marathon later in December, hahaha!), stretch more, and improve my swimming. So many things, so little time.

Yep, I think that is it. Three. They aren't a lot, but boy, are they tough to stick to and fulfill. Nevertheless, I've got to try my best and make good use of 2007. I want this year to be as productive as, or even better than, last year.

I don't know why, but I'm pretty optimistic about this year. I think I can do it. I hope that I wouldn't say the opposite in a few days' time!

I guess everyone has crossed into the New Year already. Congratulations to everyone for making it to 2007! Once again, a very Happy New Year to everyone!

[+] There's more!

Yesterday, my family had an after-dinner conversation. It began with my mom updating us with our enrollments to extra-curricular classes. I was about to leave the table when she signaled me to have a seat. Rolling my eyes, I sat, but deep inside I really long to have conversations with my parents. The conversation then took a turn with my mom's question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Groans from me, but somehow, I just smiled. =)

My little brother: "I want to become an architect."

Me: "I probably want to do something in the Biology or Psychology field."

And there was some discussion on that. My parents just nodded their heads, happy that their sons have at least some idea of what they want to be. Then came the interesting fact.

My mom: "You know what, I always wanted to be a nurse as I wanted to help people in this world. My greatest idol was Florence Nightingale (Wow, I definitely didn't know that!). Unfortunately, because of financial difficulties, I did not manage to become one, so I decided to sell medicines and health food."

My dad: "I used to want to sell vehicles to people, like lorries, tractors etc. I never did because of financial difficulties as well and I couldn't get the proper education. I then worked with Shell in the airport for a couple of years until I quited my job and became an insurance agent. I simply dislike the rigidity of the job. Working at specific hours of the day and sometimes working overtime is really getting my nerves, and the pay was low as well. As an insurance agent, I have the freedom to work whenever I want, work hard to earn commission, and my daily commission was higher than my former monthly wages."

That's really interesting, as that night I realised each of my family members has different pursuits and interests which moulded them into the person they are today. I definitely learned something from that conversation! I look forward to have more conversations soon!

Today was a pretty tiring day. I don't know why, but I was more tired today than any other day. Still, I managed to drag myself away from my PC and read some seriously confusing and monotonous musical theory and a vocabulary improvement book. At least I sort of enriched myself with something today!

And speaking of enrichment, my little brother has just had his first Art class today. I found out that his art teacher was actually my former PE teacher teaching in my school! Cool! And after his class, I took the opportunity to look over his drawing. It was nice! And his art teacher left some really encouraging comments which made my family smile. He also gave my brother an assignment of drawing 8 characters.

I later approached him and teased him about having homework for the holidays. And his reply was seriously unexpected and also pleasantly surprised me.

"Aww, it's okay! I like it!" was his reply. He gave me his big grin. He was never the person who like doing homework, yet he said he will enjoy doing it, at least more than piano. I'm so sick of listening to him groaning and moaning about piano everytime we have classes. So this was definitely music to my ears! And my mom decided to let him drop piano too!

Okay, I just realised my November is going to be a pretty hectic month for me. There's the school holidays excursion, and there's some stinky inter-school computer quiz (Hello! In the midst of holidays?) and there's a party and I need to catch up on Sociology (I took it as an extra O Level subject on my own and my school doesn't offer it. Man!). Oh did I mention I have just signed myself up for yoga and German classes? And finally there's Nanowrimo!

Oh dear! I landed into a big fine mess myself! I hope I can make it to the end of November and also finish up my novel. I have completed 2% of novel, and *sigh* I still have like roughly 48,000+ words to go! That seems a lot, argh! Oh for your information, my novel is titled Kinderella, and you guessed it, it's a modern-twist to the old fairytale Cinderella story. The plots are vaguely the same, but the storyline is definitely a lot different. I hope that doesn't count as plagiarism... *shudder*.

I shall post up the story here very soon when I'm ready to do so. Let's hope I don't procrastinate again, that's like my worst habit of mine =(. Hmm, I'm so pepped up now to continue on my novel and I shall do so after my shower. So I will stop here for now and continue to update this blog later.

[+] There's more!