I'm going nowhere in Grade 8. My confidence in piano is non-existent. My self-esteem in music playing hits an all-time low. I can't even be bothered to practice anymore. I forgot most of my theory in music and thus, I doubt I can even pass Grade 8 Theory if I were to sit for it this November.

My piano teacher is so going to be torn into pieces if she were to know I want to give piano a break. She will be extremely disappointed and disgusted by my "rash decisions", and it will all be my fault.

The manuscripts of the exam pieces freak me out. Huge chords scare me. Sight-reading is extremely intimidating. There are too many black dots, too few rests and white space. I don't think I can handle Grade 8 anymore. I can't even satisfy the minimum requirements anymore.

I don't want to make music (as in instruments) a part of my life anymore. I want to lose that identity because it's no longer me. It feels like a foreign debris lodged into my soul. And the worse thing is I'm so "far" into music now, I am "not expected" to stop, and let everything go to waste.

I'm so sorry. =( I wished I could be better, but I'm not acting on my words. It just isn't my interest anymore. And I don't know how to put this forward to her, who has selflessly imparted to me musical skills for about a decade. I'm sorry, I really am. I don't want to hurt her feelings. And I don't know what to do now... I just can't go for piano lessons anymore.

[+] There's more!

I am on the verge of breaking down because heaps of work are pilling up, I'm looking out for excuses to procrastinate, I feel uninspired, I feel demotivated. I feel tired! So tired of school... =(

And homework just keep coming in, like low-energy waves where the swash is stronger than the backwash. My writing skills ironically becomes unpolished and stilted. Writing suddenly doesn't feel natural anymore. It's actually something which I want to take a break from! Oh God, what is becoming of me?

My English essay on A Doll's House is one of the worst essay I have ever crafted. I don't really know how to write a literature essay based on a certain theme. Do I actually have to reread the books (I did) and present my ideas in a chronological idea? I don't think that is how it is supposed to be correctly done.

And I call myself a reader. Shame, shame! =(

And then there are the topics on population in Geography which I am supposed to complete during the December holidays. My notebook is due on Monday, and I have not completed even half of the big assignment. I am so screwed...

And I'm starting to find myself understanding, yet not understanding, concepts in classes. An analogy to describe it is drowning in a sea of knowledge where you immerse yourself with knowledge, yet the more you know, the more you don't seem to know and suddenly, you fail to appreciate them and you suddenly become dumb. Do you get the picture?

Sixth form is dumb. And in those days, I thought it was one of the coolest thing which can happen to me. I never thought it would even be stressful. People think I'm breezing through because I am a boy genius. I am so not a genius. My IQ is just around 120 (according to a Facebook application). And I'm not breezing through, I'm suffering in hell! =( People can't seem to understand the difficulty I'm going through. Heck, I don't even understand myself too. =(

I just want to crawl in a corner and sit there dejectedly and watch as the world unfurls, without giving a damn to anything.

[+] There's more!

Wi-fi Pokemon battles were really fun and enjoyable. I think Pokemon Diamond is the best Pokemon game ever made, simply because it finally enabled online battling and trading. My passion for competitive battling was reignited, and I hopped on to the bandwagon.

Unfortunately, raising a new team is tough. The process of breeding Pokemon with certain conditions is arduous, and the odds are unfairly unfavourable. The game adventure robbed my holiday. My chance in catching up schoolwork was gone. It robbed my first weekend! My chance in straightening things is gone! =( Time flew just like that, and once again, I am grumbling about my lack of self-discipline. =(

I did what was best. I wrote down my future plans for my new team. I retired the game and everything related to it. No more online battling anymore, until when I have more time.

Best decision of my life so far this year. =)

*sigh* All the work poured in. Oh well, I guess that's that. I now understand why my mom imposes bans on video game consoles during the school term.

Back to my incomplete Biology homework, which I thought was already completed after the holidays. Here I go again!

[+] There's more!

The school prom was held a few days ago. I was there, hoping that I will have a slim chance to know Mona Lisa better and get to dance with her. Unfortunately, it wasn't the perfect scene I envisioned after reading all those romance novels, i.e. Nicholas Sparks's =). On the contrary, I would say it was a total disaster! =(

I scored when I found an empty seat next to her. The table was mostly unoccupied anyway. It started off well. So we made small chit-chats and all to build up the hype that was to follow soon. =P Obviously, I can't immediately throw an engagement and propose, right? Okay, I think that is a bit over-exaggerated! The time seems to drag along. The fact that I have a Maths test the next day did not help much either. I was constantly worrying about logarithms, binomial expansions and topics that I would have covered had I not dropped Additional Maths, or came to my new school at the start of the semester.

There was a scrumptious buffet after that. The food was pretty good, which I expected since well, we are dining in the 5-star hotel. I did not manage to gobble a lot of the food as I was kind of bloated. And I was really looking forward to a slow dance with her too. Unfortunately, as the hours wore on, the idea never really materialised. I was crushed when I missed out the few opportunities, and I realised too late that it will never happen. Yeah, I did ask her for a dance at one point. Too bad we are both bad dancers. We left the dancing floor not too long after. We tried again later, but this time, we're dancing with a group of friends. She didn't seem to want to dance with me anymore.

As time goes by, the whole prom thing was getting tiring, repetitive and boring. There isn't much to do besides eating and dancing. It was boring. Nothing spectacular happened there. I knew it. I shouldn't have purchased a ticket. Social events like this always bore me, and I have no idea why. Sure, I was happy to see my friends having the time of their lives. I enjoyed it too, but pretty soon, everything seemed pretty pointless. =S

On the other hand, another drama unfurls somewhere outside the beach. It was nearing 10, and I did not have much time left. School was a killjoy. I wished I could stay a bit later and spend some more time with her, since it's probably the last time I will see her. You know, I was planning in my head to tell her of my feelings before we never see each other again. To come in, and then walk out. That sounds incredibly unfair and selfish but I really don't know what else to do. I just need to tell her.

So, I spent quite some time trying to look for her by the beach (the hotel is by the seashore). I tried to call her and text her with my new mobile phone. She picked up the phone the first time, but surprisingly, she didn't answer my text messages or my calls. I looked around the hotel grounds in vain. I was exhausted but I kept on looking, the urge to tell her was pressing. I finally found her sitting at the bench with some of her guy friends and having a great time. I was confused and lost. I did not know what to feel. There was relief, there was anger, there was despair, there was sadness and there was jealousy. =(

I approached her, and she nonchalantly said, "There you are!". I was baffled and asked her why she didn't answer my calls. She told me that she could not hear it. I was surprised, because how could she hear the first time. Was she snubbing me? It was hard to tell. I could feel my chances of success had suddenly slimmed. I politely asked her to walk with me in front of those guys (whom I instinctively disliked, not because they were hanging out with her). Sheesh, those guys can seriously ruin intimate moments. -.-" I can't believe they HAD TO FOLLOW her around wherever she goes with me. Damn. I felt like a pathetic lover.

I kept making small talks which slowly escalated to that "something big". Tonight, I thought, I will confess my feelings for her. Time flew by incredibly fast, and my mom was about to fetch me soon. We walked around, ended in deadends, and had to retrace our steps, with those goons following behind us. And she seemed to enjoy their lame and pathetic jokes. Come on! Aren't you getting my hints? Are you really that dense? Doesn't walking together, alone, doesn't mean something to you?

I actually had to drag her away. I had to stride quickly, hoping she was keeping up with me and lose those guys. When they were far back behind, I told her my feelings. It came out wrong. I instead asked her, "Hey Mona Lisa. [pause] Do you, erm, [pause] like me?"

"As a friend?"

"Yeah..."

"Of course."

"Erm, [pause] as something more? More than just friends?" I finally stuttered.

"No, sorry."

I was crushed. That was not turning out well at all. I gave the impression that I was rude, inconsiderate, and desperate for love. That wasn't the impression I want to portray. It was so wrong! How much worse can it go?

I hung my face low. I was not only disappointed, I also felt like a failure and a loser. There goes another crush who doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Why do I fall into the vortex of romance so easily? =( After a year and a half of liking her and really falling hard for her, this was how I was rewarded? Okay, you may think I am out of my mind and being overly optimistic, but I was secretly hoping to share my first kiss with her. At the beach under the beautiful moonlight, while the waves softly caress the beach. Happening at my favourite spot and fulfilling a crazy desire. Just the two of us.

Not surprisingly, that never happened at all. Man, I would be slapped if I got fresh with her like that after telling me she has no feelings for me at all. Nada. Zilch. I would also be labeled as a number one jerk too.

She explained that she wanted to concentrate on her studies. Her studies! =O I mean, gosh, we're not studying now (at least, she's not studying now) and she's already talking about the future? To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure myself how to go on with the relationship had she admitted she liked me. I don't think I am able to commit myself fully to her. Despite reading romance, I don't know how to progress from that point of "confession".

I think our love, should it happen, will be ephemeral. Our feelings will have dissolved by the end of next year. Because I won't be seeing her again.

In the end, logic prevailed. My emotions were too numb to guide me. I accepted the fact that she did not like me that way. Maybe she knows it was not good for either of us. I don't know. I feel so confused reflecting back that night. I don't think I will visit that hotel for a long time. Bad memories are now associated with it.

I told her that she was a special girl, without really stating the reason why. I'm not too sure what made her so attractive. Maybe it was her beauty. Maybe it was her voice. Maybe it was her kindness and grace. Maybe it was her being understanding. And she told me someone actually complimented her that way too. I didn't want to ask anymore questions. And I start to wonder what chances have I already got. As far as I am concerned, I don't think any special relationship is meant to happen anymore.

After that night, however, I'm not so sure anymore.

Right after our walk, we both went back into our own worlds. Friends greeted us and all (thank goodness they did not make any comments) and we went back into our own worlds. I quickly got out of mine while waiting for her to wrap things up before she walked me back to the lobby of the hotel. You know, I can't believe she forgot that I was there so quickly in a short span of time. Shouldn't she excuse herself from them so that she can go up with me? Or am I just a selfish jerk who seeks attention from the girl he fancies?

I gave her a friendly hug at the lobby, thanking her for a great time. I then headed for my car. I was hoping that when I turned back, she will still be there looking forlornly at me and smile for the last time. My Hollywood scene did not happen. When I turned back, she was gone. My smile evaporated. Sighing, I greeted my mom and left the place.

You know, while we were talking, she was asking me whether we can still be friends. Just like all the other girls. I gave her a positive response. I had a nagging feeling that this will be our last time together. Friendship seemed impossible.

Just now, I went to her blog and found a few pictures of her with a few guys. One of them was my best friend. I couldn't bear to see their faces and her together. I suddenly realised that I was still not over her! I also realised that my feelings for her was in vain. She never considered me to be that special. She never even asked to take a picture with me.

I was simply an acquaintance, nothing more. I freaked.

I'm walking out of her life, never returning again. I think it is best for me, and for her. A relationship is not meant to happen, I guess.

I guess this shows how faithful I am. =( I'm really worried...

I'm sorry... =(

But, I appreciate your honesty. It really showed me where we stood in the relationship. I respect your feelings. I know too well that for any relationship to work, feelings and love have to be reciprocated. However, thank you. You have made life sweeter and more interesting for me. All the best in everything. Till we meet again, if ever...

[+] There's more!

It's bad enough that this subject is sometimes over my head. It's even worse when you have forgotten the easy concepts you were supposed to know. That was what happened to me yesterday. I lost 3 or 4 marks from the refraction practical question. I thought it would be easy peasy, since we have done a few similar experiments during practical classes before.

I cannot believe I completely dismissed the normal line at the angles of incidence and refraction. Thus, my refraction angle is measured to be higher than the given angle of incidence. Not surprisingly, the refractive index of the glass prism is less than 1. The wise words of my Physics teacher kept on echoing in my brain: "There is no such object in this universe with a refractive index of < 1. If you get that for your practicals, then you are wrong."

I was definitely wrong. I couldn't do anything because my time limit for that question was up, and I had to move to the next experiment. The resistance question was also done rather badly. Apparently, my Physics teacher didn't realise the multimeter wasn't connected properly to the circuit, thus the reading obtained hovers at 2.70V despite the addition of resistors. It wasn't until half an hour of frustration later when I dared to twiddle with the circuit despite being told not to do so. After connecting the loose resistor (with unknown resistace) properly with the multimeter, the potential difference finally fluctuated when resistors were introduced to the circuit.

Somehow, I think everything was messed up. I switched the voltage of the power pack to 4V in order to give a 3V reading (we were told that the voltage would be around 3V, but initially, after fixing the circuit, the voltage dropped to 2.1V). This affected my graph. I was unable to answer the last 2 questions because my graph lines which were concave couldn't be extended low enough to find out the value of a resistor when the voltage is 0.5V. The last question was way out of my league. I couldn't figure a correct way of obtaining the value.

However, I was more (and very!) disappointed with my refraction experiment because I could do it! An easy 3 - 4 marks were lost just like that! Everyone could do that except for me. Woe is me! =( Oh man, there goes my chance of obtaining a hopefully A1 in Physics... =( I think I have to pull my socks up for Papers 1 and 2. It's really stupid. I wished I had studied well in advance on the refraction topic before going in to the laboratory.

One thing's for sure. I will never, ever forget Snell's Law and refraction ever again! I must meditate on this picture day and night, and burn this image into my head so that I will always remember it forever.



Hey, that picture from Google even has the same angle of incidence as my practical paper's! Oh my gosh! So that's the approximate answer. OH MAN! =(

The Computer Studies paper wasn't as bad as I feared, considering the fact that I just skimmed through the textbook the night before. I did do some studying a fortnight before, but that was like a few 15-minute sessions a week. =| I've got the exam jitters right before the exam. Yeah, my best friend was able to spontaneously answer questions my peers bombarded him. His answers were fluent and precise, of course. I freaked out as I thought my rather fragmented knowledge of the subject was good enough but apparently, when compared to his, it wasn't good enough. And I tried in vain to speed-read my textbook and pick up as much information as I can. He thought I remained quiet because I knew all of the answers. No, it was lack of.

Anyway, not long after, we had to go in to the exam class. I was still quite shaken about the practical test just two hours ago and I didn't think I was able to handle the paper well. Thank goodness the paper was "a walk in a park". I never liked to label exam papers as easy because there is this unspoken rule that whenever one says that, one will not do as well due to carelessness. =| Anyway, yes, the questions were alright. I think I will lose quite a number of marks because I wasn't able to answer some questions that correctly. I'm praying for an A1 in that paper, although I don't believe I can do it. =( I didn't exactly approach the paper with confidence.

So much for that. I can finally declare Computer Studies history. I doubt I'll be picking up the subject again for tertiary education. After half a decade of learning such a dry subject (I wished it was more interesting and more "up-to-date" =( ), I think I had had enough. I'll do my learning on the Internet the next time. =D

Anyway, I think these papers were an advance warning to me, because honestly, I have been taking things way too easy. Revisions are sporadic, while play times are frequent. I'm slacking off really badly and at the wrong time. Warrior Princess once said if you're not trying hard, you do not want something hard enough. I guess I'm not wanting good grades badly enough, and that is why I am not trying that hard. I think in a way, it's true.

I think I seriously need to rethink my actions and think of the consequences. But it is so hard to go cold turkey without the PC. =O I really must try. My future is at stake.

P.S. Wikipedia has a pretty good article on refraction if you're interested.

[+] There's more!

I feel physically unhealthy. No, I'm not sick or anything, it's just that I have been lacking exercise for at least a few months. Ever since I have been diagnosed pneumothorax a couple of weeks ago, I haven't been going to swimming lessons. I am already lagging far behind class, especially since my mates have been undergoing intensive training for a swimming competition early this month. I've lost my stamina and my overall physical fitness.

To make matters worse, my brother himself did not even bother turning up for training lessons. He was insistently stubborn after reminding him a couple of times over and over. As a result, he wasn't put in to the competition. Now, I do not dare to show my face in the next class this Sunday as we will both be labelled as lazy. Heck, I don't even know whether we will be re-enrolled as we haven't confirmed our turn-up for this term since we did not go for swimming classes for some time. I can just imagine the angry look on my coach's face and the disappointment for our shoddy performance.

I do have a genuine reason because I was advised to stay out of the pool by the doctor, and furthermore, I had my mocks but somehow, I feel that such excuses cannot be tolerated. It shows that I am not ready to be fully committed to it. The sporadic attendances is a proof of it, plus my absence from the competition. I myself am willing to go for it were I in good shape. My brother just made things worse. Argh, I can't believe he is such a lazy bum (and I mean really lazy)! =( I am seriously annoyed with his lackadaisical attitude!

I wished I did swim a few laps in the stadium pool. However, I really do not want to trouble my driver. It's not only that, I doubt my mom would let me go since "the doctor advised me to stay away from pool for four to six weeks" even thought it's already the seventh/eighth week. Hey, while I was trying to carry my brother's luggage yesterday, my mom scolded me for lifting it. I was already pathetically weak for a guy, and to stop me from exerting my muscles, gosh, I think I could just rot into oblivion! I'm serious. Like how I'm not supposed to carry heavy objects with my left arm since I broke it when I was in Year 2. Come on, my bones have healed already! Will my bones actually crumble into dust due to the weight of the heavy objects? Of course not!

Thanks a lot. I bet my future wife will be stronger than me. I'm such a man! =(

Swim a few laps. If I can actually make a few laps. I hate my inactivity.

Just now, there was a perfect opportunity to get back into shape when after all those months, my neighbour started calling me again to play basketball. I thought it would be great, but after reading a friend's message of whether I used a lip balm or not and my neighbour's unsporting behaviour in basketball, I gave an excuse that I need to complete my homework. I feel really bad rejecting them over and over again, but I was holding back out of fear. =( At least my brother agreed to go.

I tried to distract myself by typing out notes on radioactivity as I was in a mood to study. I quited after five minutes as I scolded myself on missing the opportunity to get back in shape. I cursed and I decided to check out things discreetly. I was let down once again when my neighbour shouted for an uncalled foul, and the siblings then argued among themselves again. I shook my head in pity and just laid down on a bed, thinking how I will survive in the upcoming swimming class, and just feeling bad about myself in keeping unfit all these while.

I don't know why I am so reluctant to exercise. And yet, I want to keep fit. Sometimes I ask myself why am I so lazy and yet wanting to see results? What am I waiting for?

I don't even know why I'm feeling like this. I don't even understand why I have to worry over nothing. *gives a lost look*

[+] There's more!

I am not doing well these days. =( Things have been going rather downhill lately. The written mocks are a fortnight away and I have yet to begin real, intensive revision. Somehow, I lost the mood to study and to do anything. It is as if I am rebelling against the examinations system when I normally have no qualms about it!

Physically, my body is not cooperating with me. Just when I demand good health while studying. Apparently, I have not taken enough measures to ensure that my physique is in top shape. Last week, our school organised a run. I should have bought a new pair of running shoes; the current pair is too tight for my big feet even though I normally wear size 9.5. My toes had to suffocate and suffer from injuries as they are cramped together in the tight space. As a result, two of my toenails (next to the big toe) are traumatised from the constant impacts of the shoes and they broke. One became detached from the nail bed, and other one bled and later became detached.

I was really shocked to see the throbbing toes and I was, and still am, shocked when I realise I'm going to lose both of them. Just now, I clipped away the entire left toe as it was painful (when coming in contact with the floor, or when I try to bend it). It's bearable but it was starting to bug me. Furthermore, it was already oozing pus (?). So reluctantly, after googling for advices (which weren't helpful), I made the hectic decision of clipping the whole nail to the cuticle. I was frightened by the slight ease of cutting it away without pain. Now, my nail bed is exposed and can any time be invaded by bacteria or fungi. I immediately regretted my decision, and I lamented about my ludicrousness. =(

I'm paranoid that I have cut away the nail root too and I will be stuck without a nail at that toe forever! I look at the now nail-less toe longingly to have the nail back. I feel vulnerable seeing the exposed pinkish nail bed, which looks sensitive. Just great! And it still slightly hurts too when walking, and watery, clear pus still ooze out from within the cuticle. How totally absurd!

I decided to remove the other detached nail too but however, I was pleasantly surprised to see a new, hard nail growing beneath the dead, crusty detached nail. It does not look pretty, but I'm glad that I've already got a new nail there. It must have been growing when that nail was partially broken a few months ago. That surprise finding itself lifted my spirits up a little but there are many factors out there which hampered my satisfaction with life lately.

Missing nails are just a minor concern. My chest throbs with pain whenever I sit, stand, move or lie down. It began rather suddenly yesterday when I came back from school. I was sitting on the sofa about to have my tea when suddenly, my right pectoral muscles began to hurt like hell. I was squirming with pain at the sudden cram. My mother questioned my sudden awkward behaviour. I assured her there was nothing wrong with me, when in reality it was painful! Knowing her, she fiercely makes sure I recover from whatever illnesses and pains by bulk feeding me with health products. I hate it. I do not believe in health products although the company was trustworthy! She also gives all the unneeded attention to me, thinking that I'm incapable of doing "ordinary tasks", and strictly ensures that I'll get my rest in bed.

To make matters worse, the pain increased substantially in the next few minutes and I simply had to tell her about it. I was afraid that it could develop into something rather serious. The timing to have such injuries is bad. Must it happen so close to my mocks?

My pectorals were massaged using an ointment which relieves muscle cramps. Thankfully, the pain subsided, but not a lot. My chest was still painful and memories of a previous experience of this "injury" came flooding back in my memory. I remembered enduring the pain when my parents were not at home. It was assumed that there was bad blood circulation. The symptoms were the same: there was "something" inside the chest that moved slightly whenever I moved, aching my right chest. I don't know how to describe it. If I hadn't remember wrongly, the pain will have subsided in the next couple of days.

And so, my parents once again reinforced the fact that I should not carry heavy things. Hey, I'm a guy and I am already pathetically weak, and you're asking me not to lift things? How was I supposed to build at least "some" muscle? What are they thinking? I'm already soft! Great, thank you!

I know that maybe the way I carried the table yesterday morning may not be right. But must the pain come much later after that? I had the feeling that it has nothing whatsoever to do with the pain.

Oh, I am so confused! I just want the pain to be rid of as soon as possible. It's not nice to breathe shallowly to avoid feeling the pain and having to move in pain constantly.

What more, I'm doing shoddily in school and revision. I do not get organic chemistry, radioactivity and vectors (Mathematics). The last few chapters of the syllabi are ridiculously difficult to comprehend. I seriously question how well I will fare for my mocks. I am going to jeopardise my future applications to sixth form schools if my mocks results are mediocre... =(

I'm procrastinating badly. I'm sick of it. I just want to revise properly this time. I told myself that already, why aren't I fulfilling my own wishes? =(

[+] There's more!

I woke up this morning grumbling in frustration because I woke up pretty late. I promised myself that I would wake up earlier and immediately get my hands on my assignments. So, I stormed down the stairs to have my breakfast. One of the maids pissed me off when she wondered out aloud why I was looking for breakfast when I did not take away any pastries from the supermarket last night. I was at a different supermarket to shop for stationery! Naturally I didn't think about tomorrow's breakfast!

My mom saw me wearing a long face and she could not take it anymore. She blew up, and I received the worst lecture in my entire life.

I was so worried by my projects which I did last minute, it pressured me too much. I was unable to handle the pressure and this affects my entire being. I was paralyzed, because I realised how deep in the shit I was. I just cannot see how I am able to solve the problem! Despite how much I tried, I just could not finish it on time.

She began telling me off. She said that my attitude changed, from bad to worse. And she went on to say other bad traits she has found in me. I cried, and cried. I did not see how much of a bad person I have become over the years, especially to my parents, and to my family. I have been snubbing and ignoring them. And somehow, I became a worse person and without realizing it, I became a cold, ruthless stranger before my own eyes. I transformed.

I became a somebody who I did not like. I hate him. I hate myself.

Being a spoilt and ignorant brat at home, and acting nice, sweet, and kind to others... It shows that I am two-faced. I am an actor. I am a really good faker, showing people the sincerity which I did not show at home.

It's pretty ironic how you don't treat your loved ones and especially your parents the same love you shower to other people.

The point is that my mother just want me to stop wearing the black face and tell the whole world how much the pressure is gripping and strangling me, expecting sympathy and help from others. It affects the mood of people when they see me fuming. It's called being an inconsiderate wimp. I should have helped myself earlier by being a smart student and work on my assignments when Day 1 of the holidays began.

She began to wonder how on earth was I chosen to become a school prefect when I'm not even showing such a fine example to my little brother. She warned me that she will tell the teachers all of my negative traits if she catches me being like an ungrateful wretch again. I was really frightened. I didn't want that to happen.

After hearing all that she has to say, I only began to realize one thing. I have been my parents' disappointment. Even my dad shook his head and tries to calm my mom down, "It's no use. No matter how many times you tell him off, he will never even get it into his head!"

My mother commented, "You may be diligent. But your barbaric attitude sucks."

Throughout the whole time, I was crying and trying to comprehend the truth she jammed into my head. It hurts a lot. =( And it's all too true...

It was not until a long time that I gathered the strength to stop crying and I decided to do something. I took out a piece of paper and I wrote down the bad traits my mother had pointed out while adding some more I see fit to be in the list of about 15. I prayed to my gods, something I have not really done for a long time, begging for forgiveness and a chance a renew myself. I thanked them for making my mother lecture me which was a wake up call. I simply cannot go on living like a grouch.

I went to the verandah. I reread my list, try to take them into heart. Carefully, I pulled out a lighter and I burned it in front of my very eyes. It was really difficult to see the paper burning. My words, my bad qualities, slowly turning into ashes. I teared a little as I watched the list burn, but I know it's for my own good to turn over a new leaf. My heart ached when I see it slowly crumple into dust and ashes.

From that point onwards, I moved on to become someone better and to regain my old spirit. Otherwise, life will toy me around if I don't take charge of my own. There is a saying that goes "Charity begins at home". I don't know about charity, but it has to begin somewhere in myself and with my family.

Please, give me a chance a renew myself. I'll prove to you that I will do much more better than my current pathetic attempts of changing myself. The journey is tough, but I really must persevere. No more whining and no more feeling sorry for myself.

This blog post was not written to let you guys know of this. Its main intention was to serve as a reminder for me: The Sunday morning of June 24, 2007 marks a new journey to be a better man.

[+] There's more!

It is only the fourth day of the year, and I have failed to stick to my resolutions. Here's how I broke each one of them:

1. Yesterday, I was supposed to spend my some of my time refreshing my mind on previous German lessons and doing my music theory. Unfortunately, I was too caught up with eBay that I completely put them aside. I never did them both yesterday. I had to wake up early today and try to cram German into my brain (I've failed miserably). Thank goodness my teacher taught me new things and did some light revision with me.

And I never did my music theory. I was happily practicing a few songs by Richard Clayderman. Hehehe. I was hoping that my teacher would tell me to play these songs just now, but we concentrated instead on polishing my ABRSM exam pieces.

Oh yeah, not to mention doing my school holiday homework. *rolls eyes* I wish my school wouldn't undergo renovations this year. Seriously, I'm so going to stress a lot later in February to November; having classes and extra classes and Science practical lessons from Mondays to Saturdays with 3 more extra-curricular activities I have signed up for... Even typing that out is stressful! =P

2. Patience, hmmm. Yeah, I remember I was pretty annoyed with my mom when she was complaining about the dinner she had in a restaurant with her relatives and us. Inefficiency of services, that's what she was mainly fussing about. I felt really embarrassed. I mean, does she have to make a mountain out of a molehill? Their service wasn't so bad. Oh, and her relatives couldn't find the restaurant and she wasn't too happy to give them the directions. Guess she was in a bad mood. I got into a bad mood too. I tried to tell myself, it's okay, but in the end, I think I sulked in front of them. *shrug*

3. I never did sports these past few days. Consider resolution void. =P

I broke my resolutions! Does this mean I can continue living without them? No, of course not! Trying to stick my resolution will help me in my life, ignoring them means that my bad habit (the procrastination one) will stay.

I have tried to attend to things I have to do early these past few days, and it definitely helps a lot to not procrastinate. If not, I wouldn't be even typing out this blog post, as I will be calling up post office, settling a problem with my eBay buyer, making reservations at a Japanese restaurant and booking tickets to the cinema for an outing with my best friend tomorrow, sprucing up my room and replying to emails.

I have dealt with most of them, and now I am feeling so "free" from tasks at the moment, if you know what I mean! I got to keep up with this good work.

I don't think I really need to bother about the second resolution. I don't think I am patient enough to deal with my patience patiently! =D But I definitely need to do some sports (third resolution). It's no good letting my bum kiss the chair and my eyes glue to the monitor screen! =P

Okay, so currently my mom's relatives are in my house, watching a recording of my dad's 60th birthday downstairs. I should be joining them and accompanying them and all (you know, family obligations? =S), but instead I'm up here. Why?

Well, I don't know. I feel pretty much uncomfortable with them. I don't know why. I don't even understand most of the Hokkien thrown from one person to another. I'm not really close to them either. It's terrible. I'm not close to any of my relatives at all! I guess that is a really bad thing. I don't even know most of my paternal relatives (10 aunts and uncles), especially my cousins. I don't even talk to them, and I don't even know most of their names.

This is terrible, yet I can't really do anything about it. I don't even dare to talk to them. I know they won't bite of course, but that's just me. I feel shy and intimidated especially when HORDES of them come over for Chinese New Year.

Just thinking about that gives me the shivers. *is shivering*

And about the eBay PayPal problem (it's actually PayPal). I realise that PayPal doesn't fully support my country, i.e. I can buy, but I cannot sell. In other words, I can only send money, not receive money. So that really complicates my whole sale. I didn't know about it until this Canadian buyer told me that he is unable to pay via PayPal because my account cannot receive his payment at all. Great! So now, I tried contacting eBay (and the answer I received wasn't really that helpful) and am trying to resolve the problem with him and giving him alternative payment methods.

I admit, I am NOT supposed to even open an eBay account because I'm under 18. But then again, I really want to sell some books I don't read and are taking up bookshelf space, plus clothings and my mom's unwanted stuffs. And I got my mother's consent anyway. I really half-regretted to even begin selling, I didn't expect such complicated problems to arise. Oh well, wish me lots of luck in settling the problem!

There was another problem actually that precedes that, and that is the exorbitant shipping costs set by my local Post Office. I cannot believe it costs US$24 just to send one book from here to Canada. It's so expensive! UPS (a courier serve) offers to ship the book for US$25, and it is much more reliable despite the $1 difference. I was worried my buyer couldn't accept it, but fortunately he expected for that to happen to.

Unfortunately, he couldn't pay!

*shrugs*

So that was what kept me busy these past few days. It is indeed a great experience to learn from, I must say, but before that, I have got to deal with this professionally and ask my mom for advice on how a cheque/money order can be cashed into her account. This is so frustrating, I have forgotten most of the Commercial Studies I have learned in Year 7 - 9.

Guess that's all for the time being. I'll keep you guys updated through this blog. See you guys soon!

[+] There's more!

Oh man, this is terrible and it gives a terrible blow to my self-esteem! I just realised that my singing is really bad. I was about to record my singing to Breaking Free and host it up to Youtube. After the recording, I decided to play back to make sure that everything's all right before showcasing my talent to the Internet.

Boy, what talent I have! My singing is off-key, very very off-key, and my voice is terrible! After all these years of thinking that I have a marvellous voice, only to have my thoughts shattered by an ugly voice owned by yours truly. It's really bad until it cannot simply be compared to a croaking frog. And my voice ain't sound good at all. No wonder when I went on an outing with my friends and we sang at the K-Box, she told me that I sound like a lecturer reading off a book.

I didn't believe her. But after hearing what I have sung, I wholeheartedly agree with her unfortunately.

This is bad. I suddenly feel so embarrassed after thinking back the countless number of times I sang songs in front of my friends, only to discover later that I'm a bad singer. Most of them were too kind, or shocked, in not saying anything... I am so not singing anymore songs from now onwards. There goes my talent in singing~

[+] There's more!