Am I a coward, because I am afraid to be different?

Am I a coward, because I am afraid to make a difference?

Am I useless, because I am unsure where my life is heading to now, when it is clear that everything is going downhill now?

Am I just an empty shell, because I don't know who I am anymore?

[+] There's more!

I'm a curiosity at my new school. People have been coming up to me and asking personal questions about me. Who am I? What do I do?

Unfortunately, I have so much difficulty answering their questions. I habour many secrets, most of them which can ruin my life and make me look like a freak. Ever since coming to school, I am a mystery. Who is this strange new guy? What does he do? Why did he opt for the IB program?

However, one particular question has particularly struck me.

What are your hobbies? What are you good at? What do you always do when you get home?

I wish I could run away from those questions. I can't. Never in my life do so many people ask the same questions at the same time. My eyes flicked from one person to another. I portrayed a fearful image. I was hit by a sudden realisation that I don't know what my hobbies really are.

In my Friendster profile and essays, I mentioned that my hobbies are reading and surfing the Internet. However, I know very well those are not exactly true. Internet is more of an addiction than a hobby. Honestly, you don't want to know the sites I visit. Heck, I don't even remember what I surf everyday, besides Hotmail, Gmail, Friendster, Facebook and a few blogs. =( Reading is, at best, done in one stretch followed by a long hiatus from reading. It depends on my mood.

I sound like a hardcore nerd telling people I love reading. The inner me kicked my shins for telling a lie. It isn't a lie, but it isn't completely true either. It depends on the books I read. And I have a funny flaw. I don't remember what I read after a week, unless the book was really good. I don't normally re-read books either. So naturally, I can't go far telling people about a book other than "It's really good, you should read it.". I hope that by doing literature in English and Malay in IB, these will change.

So what else do I do?

Music
Sports
Language
Miscellaneous activities


A. Music

I can't tell them because I'm not proud of the other things I do in life. To put it simply, I suck at them. A persistent activity I kept mentioning in this blog is my musical skills. I wish I could say I was okay at it, but I know that it's far from okay. It's terrible! I'm not musically-inclined either. I don't really listen to music (although nowadays, I'm listening to a few favourite songs), nor talk about music. My life appears to be musically-void. I feel extremely embarrassed to "confess" that I play the piano. In the first few days, I kept my musical "abilities" a secret from peers and teachers.

I fear that I have to perform publicly, especially since I am now a "Grade 8" pianist. Just last lesson, I had wanted to ask my piano teacher, "Honestly, teacher. Am I bad at piano? Because face it, we both know I play terribly. What can I do? I don't think I can do this anymore" I'm not too sure how well I play "well-practiced" pieces. Throughout my entire piano career, all I can remember is my struggles in reading music sheets. My sight-reading skills are as bad as a Grade 3 musician. I can never read notes above ledger lines without counting up or down from a familiar note. I cannot read chords at all without wasting 10 seconds of my life. =S It's ironic that I'm doing Grade 8 musical theory.

My poor sight-reading skills are a big hindrance to my musical abilities. I cannot fully exploit pieces because of my illiteracy. And worse, I'm staying away from new music pieces tailored for Grade 8 students. I think I'm playing Grade 3 pieces at the moment. I don't know. I feel so ashamed of it. I have been learning the piano for a decade and look where I am standing. Still struggling to keep my skills in par with Grade 8 standard. Look at my friends. Just a few years of piano playing, and look where they are! They are performing confidently in public, and they are so happy that they can churn a well-played music in a short span of time.

I lack the dedication to music. Everytime before my piano lessons, I dread of playing my stagnant music and I always am so discouraged to play music. What I hear every time is my music stuttering. It's stupid, I tell you! =( I don't know what to do... I was told to play a variety of music to improve my sight-reading skills, but I kept holding back. I am afraid to make mistakes. I am afraid to hear of my atrocious playing. I am afraid to reading the daunting chords stacked up one upon another. I am afraid of SATB.

I had wanted to give up piano. Because I'm not progressing. I have hit the wall and I can't progress further. And I want to run away from these embarrassment, so that I no longer have to tell people "I play the piano, and I'm in Grade 8" and having to play a poorly-executed song, embarrassing not only them, but myself. And my piano teacher...

In my friend's Friendster profile, another friend was praising her musical abilities. She enjoyed performing for them. And this friend, who no longer goes piano classes, can still play the piano like a professional. And he's a beginner! I admit, I am jealous. Very jealous. And I'm upset. Very upset. Because I don't understand what went wrong with my musical journey.

I'm a disappointment in music. =( I think I'm no longer qualified to play in music.

And I have a crazy dream. Recently, I have been dreaming of playing the violin (or viola). I love the expressive tone of violin, so rich and so melodic. And it's portable too, so that you can hide it in the cupboard. I dream of being a violinist (or violist) in an orchestra, playing the entire The Four Season by Antonio Vivaldi. I dream of getting engrossed in those musical works and hearing the thunderous applauses after the end of this magnum opus.

I have been thinking of picking up the violin, so that I can resurrect the dead musical me, benefiting my piano as well. I know those are just wishful thinking because how can I be dedicated to such an instrument, let alone the piano? I don't want to invest more money into this instrument and not getting anywhere as well. *sigh*

There goes one creative activity for CAS. I doubt music will be a big contributor to my creative hours.


B. Sports

I don't do much sports. As you know, I do swim. Swimming is another activity which I do not mind declaring to people, but is one which I am quite embarrassed about. After taking unnecessary breaks from swimming lessons, I found out that I can longer swim 50 m properly. My front crawl is especially bad. My swimming posture invites plenty of water resistance and hindering my streamlining. So I always return feeling lethargic and wanting to sleep my day away. Swimming lessons are a big energy-drainer. I just don't understand how my strokes are all wrong. Sure, the basic strokes are correct, and I'm getting somewhere, but the physics is wrong. My Taekwondo instructor always told us that by doing sports with the proper and correct technique, one can never get fatigued because those techniques are benefiting our bodies the right way. So something is wrong. I suspected my strength is the limiting factor here.

For a guy, I'm muscleless and puny. I can never lift heavy objects because my biceps and triceps are under-developed. And then, there's those other muscles and all. I just need to work on my strength if I want to be serious about sports. The problem is, I don't know how. =( It's a hindrance to my swimming. Whenever I push the water, I have to expend so much energy until I don't even bother trying to push the water away and propel myself forward. In the end, I'm just executing the stroke for the sake of executing the stroke, not to swim forward faster and more efficiently.

The question of the day is do I do any sports? I was asked that frequently, and my answer is I swim. And that's it. I don't do much sports besides swimming. Basketball is definitely out of the question. Ugly events developed my hatred towards basketball. Never, ever again. And I feel so sad because I only swim, and I sound like a dork saying that I don't do much sports.

I have crazy dreams. I dream of being a professional long-distance runner. I can imagine the announcer enthusiastically saying, "Look at that kid! I have never seen a runner who can maintain his pace and stamina. And look, he's nearing the finishing line and yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have our champion here!" Applauses echo throughout the stadium, and I imagine myself standing at the finishing line staring at disbelief while thinking I did it, I did it! =) On the other hand, I dream of being a marathoner too, running the entire 42 km at a consistent pace together with others who dream to finish the marathon as I do...

But I know those are just wishful thinking because I don't run at all. Not everyday. When I ran the 1.5 km race the other day, I was kind of upset I didn't get the first place. Then again, it's no surprise as I don't even undergo running sessions everyday! I'm really proud of the fact that I still managed to beat many people and the fact that I didn't drop up halfway in the race, like many did. =)

I dream of running like the wind. To run so gracefully and so fluid that it doesn't look like running, but more like a form of beauty. To transform a sport into a form of art. People will stare at me because they are intrigued by the beauty of my run.

I'm crazy for having such extraordinary thoughts which will never happen! Hahaha! =D


C. Language

I take German lessons, as you know. I haven't been going to classes since August because I didn't really have the time to go through my German notes and review for it. Again, this is another proof of lack of dedication. However, interest is still sustained until today. I plan to spend my December holidays catching up on some German as well. In my new school, there is a German in my Maths class. A few days ago, he was reciting to his friends numbers in German.

"Eins, zwei, drei, fier, fuenf..."

I was so tempted to continue it. "Sechs, sieben, acht, neun, zehn, elf, zwoelf, dreizehn, fierzehn, fuenfzehn, sechzehn, siebzehn, achtzehn, neunzehn, zwanzig..." And then telling everyone I am doing German ab initio in my spare time, and communicating with this German dude purely in German. It will be cool to have a "secret language"!

I cannot do that. People will expect me to read German and speak German fluently. I know I'm not expected to do that, but knowing how people will react to language learners, they'll probably ask me anyway. I have to apologize with embarrassment and remind them I am still a learner.

I do some creative writing too. Hahaha, like in English classes?! And the NaNoWriMo I did last year (which has yet to be completed). And this blog too. I can't exactly tell people about this blog and thus, I can't announce that I'm a blogger. I have not blogged in my other site for many months already anyway!


D. Miscellaneous activities

Yes, I watch some television too. Mostly cartoons and some comedy. It's such a childish pastime, but well, I tend to avoid watching drama series. Past experience told me that I'm easily addicted to shows like that! =O

Nowadays, I am still familiarising myself with my new Ubuntu operating system. For one thing, I noticed my Windows XP is lagging really bad ever since installing Ubuntu. I can't think of the reasons behind it, other than Windows XP hating dual-booting with other operating systems. *shrugs*

People, I'm not a nerd. The definition of nerd does not define me. (Okay, after reading that, I think I'm a nerd! O.O) I'm not into the sciences (except Biology but I don't do extra reading during my spare time). But the information I did not disclose gave them such an impression.

I was skeptical about my brother's experience with culture clash in my new school. You know, after transferring to there myself, I am beginning to think he was serious. The people here are so different. More gregarious, more outgoing, more open and more accepting... It's not that it's not good; on the contrary! It is just that after stepping out of a majority-Asian school into a mini-America school, I noticed a stark contrast between these two worlds, and I feel so different. Honestly, I am integrating pretty well into my new school, but I feel that when they begin to approach me and ask me questions about myself, I falter. I suddenly couldn't understand myself. No, not the secrets I blogged here. But more like my very first layer. My basic personality. I feel so lost. I started questioning myself and trying to find my footing.

Never in my life have I felt so lost. When I first came in my former school, people don't ask those questions. They just got to know me gradually, I guess.

I'm so confused. And I'm so bothered by those basic questions which almost everyone can answer them without hesitation.

Who am I? Why do I care so much about what people think of me?

Help... =(

[+] There's more!

Looking at this postcard in today's PostSecret blog post, I cannot help but wonder how much my own life will change if I will have a child, whether he/she be my own flesh and blood or be adopted. Will I ever be a good father?

[+] There's more!

I met the IB Head yesterday, and after listening to his thorough explanation about it, I was in awe of the diploma programme and I am really enthusiastic about it. I'll be a late entry since their semester has already begun (the school year begins on August; it is an international British school) but judging from my "impressive grades" (so they say), they will say I have little problems catching up and integrating myself into my classes quickly.

I shook my head in amazement. "Wow!" and "Like, seriously?!" is all I can say! =)

I do have reasons for liking the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme (colloquially known as IB) because of its breadth. 6 subjects are read - 2 languages (I love!), 1 Science, 1 Humanities, 1 Maths (bummer) and 1 elective. It provides a balanced education which is good for people like me who are still undecided about their career tracks. Currently, I'm thinking of majoring in the field of Biology but I'm still unsure and I want to keep my options open.

Besides that, there's the Extended Essay on which you can write extensively (4000 words) about absolutely anything relevant to a subject! And then, there's the philosophical Theory of Knowledge (cool!) and CAS which is basically doing compulsory co-curricular activities about anything!

Those elements combined in the IB makes it really exciting and worthwhile to pursue as a pre-university course. I have read online that it's a great preparation for university as it teaches you time-management skills and lets one get used to the workload which is ridiculously a lot. I sorely need to polish up those skills and I would find it immensely helpful if I can struggle earlier so that I may get used to it. =)

I don't think the local sixth form schools really prepare me that rigorously. You'll only specialise in 3 subjects and that's it. Well, I don't know. I haven't done much research on A Levels yet and I don't think I will since there isn't much information online on what the local schools offer. Sure, it's free (I think) for locals like me and I thought it would be worthwhile to take that up. Then again, I was sold by IB. So I guess I'll be sticking to it. I hope it is one of the good decisions I've made in life. I have a week to think about it before I finalise my decision. If you do have more information about the IB or even A Levels, please don't hesitate to comment. ;) I love to hear your inputs.

Speaking of IB, I do have a slight dilemma about my subject choices! =O I'm still juggling with my languages! =O But before that, below is the list of my current choices:
HL English A1
HL Biology
HL Geography
SL Mandarin B
SL Maths
SL Chemistry

N.B. SL means Standard Level while HL means Higher Level. One has to take 3 HL subjects and 3 SL subjects.

I was advised to drop down to SL English as I had not done literature works before. SL English maintains the same calibre as HL English with the exception of the number of books and the strict marking of HL English. Seeing that, I think it will be wiser for me to offer SL English instead as it would be easier for me to obtain a higher aggregate. I think at least 10 books are involved in SL! *gasp* How am I suppose to remember them all?!

On the other hand, I have difficulty choosing Malay, Mandarin, French and Spanish.

1. It's easy for me to score in Malay because I was told that the Malay in IB is simpler than the Malay I am currently doing now in O Levels (yes, the papers I sat were a major killer)! I was really surprised to hear that, but that's good news for me. I'm not so bad in Malay. They told me with my scores, I can easily score a 7 (the highest marks in an IB subject) in it. The thing is, I'm not that into it. It can be really boring at times. =( I don't think my interest in it can be sustained further after my last exam. However, I do not want to lose my grip on Malay either...


2. Ah, Mandarin, my arch-nemesis! I abhored this subject since primary school. Seriously, how complex can a language be? The squiggles, the sheer number of characters you need to know before you can actually read, the "I forgot how to write this word and I'm doomed" scenarios, the way-too-colourful idioms, vocabulary mastery, character mastery... *shudder* It was too much, and I was glad to be transferred to an English-medium school after 6 years of Chinese education. =O It was refreshing to interact with Roman characters!
   
   However, now that I'm older and wiser, I'd love to give my mother tongue another chance. I'm quite embarrassed as a Chinese to be poorly literated in Chinese. I would love to once again reconnect with my Chinese heritage and roots. Because it's my identity and it forms an integral part of who I am. It doesn't matter if I know German, French, Spanish, Japanese, Icelandic etc. if I can't do well in my own mother tongue. If I take up Mandarin again, I'll be doing it out of honour and slight interest. Sure, my fears hold me back but what have I got to lose? I think a two-years refresher's course in Mandarin will do me good. Besides, I can do Mandarin B (I think it will be something like a upper primary school curriculum). To qualify for it, I need 4 to 5 years educational background in Chinese and I already have it.
   
   Relearning the vocabulary is another issue, though. Hehehe! =O *faints*



3. Ah, French and Spanish. Oh, beautiful Romance languages! I love the sounds and the words and how can you not adore the Roman characters? The thing is, I will have difficulty learning these ab initio. As I'm already 4 months behind course, I will have to spend my December holidays trying to suck up everything and get comfortable with the language. It's kind of impossible and it can be a major set-back. I was advised not to do these since they are detrimental to my grades. I could have gotten a 7 in, say, Malay, instead of a 5 in Spanish ab initio. I do however have some basic knowledge in Spanish after a failed attempt in trying to pick it up two years ago. I love European languages!

And I'm at loss at what to do! I was advised to do SL English A1 (first language) and HL Mandarin B instead to maximise my grade potential. After thinking thoroughly, I thought it would be better to do HL Chemistry instead of HL Mandarin (or whatever) since some biochemistry is involved in Biology in university courses. So yeah, maybe that could do.

Guys, what am I supposed to do? Pick up which language? =S My heart tells me to do Mandarin for some strange reasons, but I'm still not too sure. I'm still weighing my options at the moment and I need some opinions on this. =)


----------


Yesterday, I made a starking discovery which I should have known a long time ago. I do actually but I wasn't so aware of it and I eventually forgot about it. I stumbled on the best study method ever. It's called simply sitting on the desk and study!

That's right. It's so simple and I had done that a few years ago by writing my own notes with pen and paper. I then switched to typing out my notes on computer and yeah, it's pretty obvious that my concentration wavered with the 24 hours Internet connection. I always take the opportunity to surf the Internet as I type out notes. I'm surprised at my short-term attention span.

I tried studying on the desk after trying to study on a low sofa, on my bed, on a rotating office chair and on the computer. All failed, except studying at the desk. It was a pleasant experience and change to actually study seriously without distractions. I now realise that sitting by the desk and study is an old but still effective environment to study as it forces me to focus on the book in front of me. Posture is good too. My long legs can comfortably touch the floor. There was minimal backache and sores too.

I was really happy. I have successfully studied 6 chapters (small and digestible ones first) of Biology in just 2 hours. I was shocked but elated. I got to try again today, and tomorrow and throughout the whole week. Or maybe it only works on Biology, my favourite subject. =( I hope not! As you can see from my schedule, the last few exams are hardcore and imminently important because they can make or break my future. =| Or maybe that's just my attitude towards science subjects.

These past few days, I find myself listening to music I've downloaded to my computer. I'm an irregular music listener, but suddenly, I enjoy listening to them everyday especially songs I like and are music to my ears (no pun intended!). =) It's strange. I'm actually listening to some right now, and I'm now riding on a roller coaster of emotions. =S Lol!

[+] There's more!

Beware! This blog post is pretty text-heavy! Images will not accompany the text because I ran out of inspiration! Heehee!

Many pleasant events have taken place during the last few days. I feel really glad to experience them! =) Many of them deal with relationships. I just feel so loved and wanted. I'm really happy! I'm ecstatic to know I have many close friends. No, I don't mean a thousand or a million! =O Sure, I've got probably a few but that's plenty enough for me. Yahoo!

Before I delve into the subject of friendships, do you remember about the piano exam I had the other day? It turns out that it went quite well. It's definitely far from perfect, but I'm slightly optimistic about passing the exam! I'd still say that despite the fact that I had completely messed up my A1 exam piece (I murdered it! =P) due to nerves. *sigh* There were some slips in my scales, again due to nerves and carelessness.

But what I'm quite proud out is my accomplishment of sight-reading rather fluently! =D It's definitely much more easier than the normal practices my teacher drilled me in. There were minimal chords in it. I failed to obey the dynamics and the tempo but it came out decently. I'm really happy with it. And it is the first time I am actually hopeful that my sight-reading section can help pull my marks out. My aural however is a different story. I seriously have unmusical ears! =P I think I flunked my section. In one part of the aural, I was asked to sight-sing. I completely babbled random Do-Re-Mi notes. I wouldn't if the beat wasn't so fast! The examiner had already finished playing while I was still halfway singing in vain. =|

According to a friend, results will be released sometime next week. That's extremely fast and I hope he is really wrong! =P I hope the two years' work pays off. =)

I doubt I was actually concentrating in school that day itself. I spent half the day worrying about my exam while I spent the rest sharing my experience with my friends and simply rejoicing that I survived the ordeal. What an accomplishment! =D I won't be touching the piano for about a fortnight. No more playing the same three songs and scales over and over again. =D It drives me crazy!

That wasn't it on Monday. One of my close friends had a surprise for me - she announced to me that my birthday present was ready and she gave me after school. I was elated even though it was pretty early. Well, she told me it wouldn't be so nice to present me the present on my day itself since I'll be having an oral exam (what a bummer, huh?). I thanked her profusely and gladly accepted it. =)

To be honest, I wasn't thinking about it that much on the way home since I was too busy relieving the experience. However, as I approached home, I began to feel excited about opening the present. No, I wasn't patient enough to wait until my birthday. And why wait? =P Hee hee hee! So I opened. I really like her choice of gifts (note the plural). ;) They are really cute! I placed them in the respective places. However, one thing stood out among the paraphernalia. It wasn't expensive either, but to me, it is priceless.

A message.

Do you have any idea how I longed to get a message, an actual, physical message, from a friend (besides greeting cards)? No one has done that for a long time! I felt terribly touched by what she had written there, about how we became close together and some nice thank-you messages for me. But most importantly, how glad she is to have me as a friend. I could have cried if I were more sensitive. =) I mean, it really means a lot to me to hear that. It just makes me feel warm inside, comforted by the thought that I have a true friend. Well, honestly, I am glad to meet her and befriend her as well. Sure, we may have our differences. She may not be perfect. I'm not too. We overlooked our imperfections and concentrated on the good ones.

I'm so glad to have such a friend. =) Words themselves cannot describe my appreciation. Thank you for the message. It really made my day. And you have made me feel special in your eyes. =)

I will treasure that message in my memory box. Yes, I do have one! There really isn't much inside. It's mostly birthday cards, greetings and photos (which aren't many). Yeah, it's kind of my secret desire to receive meaningful messages from friends once in a while. Okay, it's not on the top of my wishlist. You know what I mean, right? Sometimes, when you're feeling down or bored, you'll just sift through your memory box or messages (or whatever really!) to remind yourself that you are special in someone's eyes. And those are really comforting facts.

Come Tuesday, I wasn't expecting anyone to divulge her secrets to me. I am not as close to this person as other close friends. The day before, I politely asked her for passwords to her secret blog posts in Wordpress since I'm quite "inquisitive" myself. ;) Hahaha! Anyway, I have not got a response from her until Tuesday afternoon (nor do I want to bring up the subject matter). So I went online and managed to catch her. She must be psychic that I wanted the passwords without me saying much except "Hi!". =O Then, I made a small comment regarding her blog posts. And well, I felt joyous to know that I am trustworthy enough to let her confide her secret. (I love secrets!)

She began to talk about her relationship problems with a certain guy. And she thinks it's girl talk. I don't think so! I think guys do talk about relationship problems too. At least I will. ;) So yes, we chatted. It was pretty interesting to listen to her problems. It wasn't so funny actually (well, she and I kept laughing probably because she made it sound quite hilarious). =P It was kind of weird to know that even though I eavesdropped that morning and overheard her best friend hinting on a certain someone. Truthfully, it sounds weird she have been liking that guy for quite a long time. I guess those are what you call secrets.

Pardon me for making a weird analogy to The Sims 2, but after being her listener to her secrets, it sort of boosted our relationship points by a lot. And I mean a lot! I think secrets are built upon a foundation of trust. And maybe as you know more about the person, the trust grows and people will forge really close together. It really reminds me of how I first divulged my crush to a mutual friend. Guess what? We're now really close and it has gone to the extend that I really trust her enough to let her in on this blog. We both now voraciously share secrets. It's really fun. But at the same time, it brings us even more closer together after gaining more understanding of each other. It's funny how secrets shared lead from one thing to another, huh? =)

You know, that next day, she told me that she too keep a secret diary which is shared among herself and her close friend. I was dumbfounded and even more when she told me I have actually seen the book before! It so does not look like a diary! =O So when I saw her this morning writing on it, I smiled. She smiled. We understood. =D It's really cool to know something which no one else knows! Hehehe! I'm sure she will agree when she reads this. =P

Anyway, today I had my oral exam today. English, to be exact. It went well. =) It was like having a tea with friends. Okay, that's a bit exaggerated, but it felt like a casual conversation. I was clearly nervous though. =S It was rather similar to my mock orals I had the other day. I think I owe that success to this blog! Seriously, I learned a lot from here on expressing myself better to people. I find it kind of enjoyable to say personal stuffs to strangers. It's like an amazing feeling! Really, I enjoyed it. The funny thing is that I was talking about this big dilemma which happened just recently when I got such a topic. It was very coincidental. I had no idea how such a confusing situation can serve as a base for my topic! Really! =P

The Malay orals, however, is a completely different story. The topics usually do not touch a personal level. And that is kind of disadvantageous to me, combined with the fact that I have yet to gain fluency in that language. This will come later anyway.

That morning during English, I cannot believe that I was commended on my Commonwealth essay. This is my first time to receive merit for my composition, and I'm terribly happy! I have always wished my Commonwealth essays were given some form of recognition and I finally got one. Yippee! =D Horray! Horray! *does a dance*

Biology today was a pretty sad period. Everyone have just gotten back their Paper 2s, and almost everyone wore a sad look. I wanted to claim half a mark actually due to marking errors but after combining my papers together, it doesn't make any difference to my average. Furthermore, it gives the impression to people that I'm a marks-eating monster who keeps on the lookout for marks. I feel really bad to claim more marks even when I'm the highest. I feel sorry for my friend above who got me the present as she hasn't done as well as she had thought. Furthermore, she has got gastric and I really don't want to further upset her. I shrugged it off since I feel bad whether or not I claim marks. I claimed later when I found out I could get an additional half a mark. This probably will influence my average, but I'm not bothered about recalculating it!

Sometimes, it's not easy to be the top in the class. People feel jealous. Okay, I admit, I feel jealous when my peers, especially my academic rivals, do better than me and I usually vow to get them back. However, my procrastinating habit sets me back and the vicious cycle of jealousy keeps on looping. =( Sometimes, I wish I could just accept the fact I'm never always the best. It would make my life easier a little bit.

During recess, while I was feasting on my beef rendang, something embarrassing happened! I was so freaked out by it. When I was pulling out my handkerchief from my pocket, a lip balm stick flew out and landed on the floor with a "Clink!", right in front of two Year 8 girls. My eyes widened in horror and my heart thumped really fast. I was silently cursing myself for being so careless and with my handkerchief, I quickly hid it and brought it into my pocket rather nonchalantly and continued reading the notice board. It was terribly embarrassing, whoever have heard of a guy carrying a lip stick in his pocket (that was the impression given! =( )? I need it because I have dry lips, but still. I bet they were gossiping next to me while I found a distraction. Why hadn't I go away? =O

Anyway, after school, before my orals, I hung out with a guy friend of mine. I enjoyed talking to him. When I saw him looking at the notice board at the foyer with bored look, I invited him to eat with me in class. So we did, and we were in class alone enjoying our food. I don't really remember what we talked about though. I just enjoyed the moment. You know, I really want to go out and have some fun with him. So I hinted (Lol!) that we eat at a local Japanese restaurant when we have our next orals, since school lets out early due to the Ramadhan fasting month for the Muslims. And he said he will think about it.

After that, we just wandered around the school courtyard since the library was closed. Then we met the examiners and I was kind of scared when I saw one of them was a native speaker. I was kind of afraid I wouldn't be able to understand what he says. I was acting strangely nervous when he spoke to me. Sheesh, the exam has not even started and I already gave a bad impression. =O

So anyway, after chilling out, we went up to the examination hall with the others. The exam started rather early, so before it started, my friend went to look for a toilet to gel his hair. I mean, is that necessary? =P Okay, so we found a small toilet in the top floor and we both went in and he gelled his hair.

"What am I rambling? Why are you telling me such a boring story about you and him?", you may ask. Guys, I know this sounds really, really strange. Should I really go on? I think I better continue the story. So we both went in, and he gelled his hair. My heart pounded as we went in and I began to ramble nonsense and ask stupid questions. Like "I don't know how to gel my hair. How do you gel yours?"

You may think I'm insane and crazy to suddenly be so unlike me. I don't know guys, but I think of this fellow in a ... different way. I don't know why I feel like this. Normally, when I hang out with a bunch of guys, I don't feel giddy and funny. Somehow, I was like that. I really don't know. I'm so confused. No, I don't want to be orientated differently from the rest. It's not doing me any good. I like girls, as you can see from my crushes.

I don't normally get nervous when I talk to him. Maybe a couple of times, I feel strange but it wasn't as bad as just now. It's just ... so wrong, I tell you! He's really ... I don't know. Just catches my fancy. I have no idea why either. It was a pretty awkward moment for me. Oh my gosh, I just don't know!

And he usually copies my homework too!

Am I confusing between friendship and romance? I think I am. Maybe I just want to know him better as a friend. Like be close, but not that close. Or maybe I just want something more than being just close friend, or even a best friend... Hmm...?

NO WAY!!!! =O

Whatever it is, I really hope this feeling will pass. And I have absolutely no intent in telling him this. There is no way I'm going to jeopardise our friendship just because of my confusion. I'll keep it to myself, and with you guys.

This is so confusing and illogical. I wish I could be just like an ordinary teenage boy at times. Sorry if that kind of thing turns you off.

By the way, I just want to apologise for not living up to the purpose of my blog recently. It's just that I'm tired and there really isn't much going on nowadays. Furthermore, I'll be too pooped from a long day at school. I really hope you guys understand. I'm really sorry...

[+] There's more!

I spent my whole afternoon and today fiddling with Adobe Photoshop once again trying to manipulate pictures to create vector artworks (see the boy with his head on the sidebar as an example). I initially wanted to toy around with my Sims but I have a sudden urge to produce another vector art. So I did and I created a decent-looking vectorized Beast Boy from Teen Titans. I was pretty satisfied with the outcome and I'm glad I am since I spent the whole afternoon and night yesterday working on him. =D I tried creating an animal vector today but unfortunately, it ended up looking like a golden idol instead of a live mammal with fur! It looked too odd; I gave up halfway and I resorted to reading books instead.

While vectorizing the pictures, I spent many a happy minute zooming in the details of the picture while exploiting the Pen tool to match the shapes and colours of the original. I enjoy myself immensely. Sometimes, my thoughts wander and I ask myself why I am dedicating so much of my time to such an unproductive job? I thought I was being a spoilsport to think like that. Today is a day off from school! So why am I idling my mind to do such a monotonous job, as from other point of views?

I have this odd notion that I have to make sure every inch of my grey matter has to be occupied and stimulated by my hobbies and whatever things I do, else it wouldn't be termed one and I would simply be "wasting my time". Sure, it's good to give my brain a break once in a while after exerting its brainpower and taxing it, but I don't know how much is too little, or too much. The only thing I can feel is that pangs of regret will bubble up from inside me, and to be frank, I don't know what I regret about.

Back to my vectorizing. It's a wonder how I can spend hours upon hours to try and smooth out the art. The funny thing is that the same results can be achieved by other people in a shorter time and usually with a far better outcome. When I think of that, suddenly I don't feel quite good about it. =S It's like as if it's not on par with the majority.

Now wait a minute! Here I am again comparing myself with others. Why do I have to give myself the unneeded stress? I don't recall I being exceptionally good in art! =P Hahahaha! Come to think of it, vectorizing is my "best" art although it's not very impressive. =P Sometimes, I do wonder why I seek the fun of doing it even though it's not mentally stimulating...

On the other hand, my hobbies can actually be quite addictive! Like reading. Nearing the end of my exams, I picked out a book from my shelf of unread books and I started reading. That was when I rediscovered the joys of reading. I just love to immerse myself into the story - into the author's world and let him or her take me on a wonderful journey where my emotions are toyed with. I feel very satisfied if the whole story itself is pretty good as I know it is time well spent. It feels awful to have read a very thick book only to find that the whole book isn't very interesting or a complete flop. I guess that is why I tend to avoid reading books over 300 pages thick. I doubt its quality. =\

Once the story is wrapped up, I can fly into either a bliss of elation or sadness, depending on the mood of the story. In the end though, I always ask myself, "Is it worth my time to spend reading a novel? In what way does it help me?" Sometimes, I do get the moral behind the story but sadly, I've never tried to apply them in my life. I also tend not to remember the knowledge the author has included in the story. Within a few hours time, I would have completely forgotten what I had just read and continue living normally as if the book has played no significance in my life.

I gain nothing much from novels and yet, I still read them. They are highly entertaining, that's for sure. But, what good can I derive out of them? Am I doing something unproductive, or did I spend my time wisely? Even during the holidays when I have nothing better to do but to read and pass time, I asked myself that question.

Internet is starting to take a toll over my life as it completely displace the rest of my hobbies and I find myself doomed to surf the Internet aimlessly. It's like I'm loitering virtually, as a bad, obsessive hobby. It's weird. There isn't anything much I want to specifically see and yet, I'm losing many hours to my compulsive random online surfing.

Many times, my conscience tell me to stop and get back with reality. I can even feel myself physically tired and want to tear away from the screen. Eerily, there's this part of me which encourages me to continue. And continue I did. Is it wrong to do this during the holidays?

What's worse is, even my school work is quite affected by it. The recent exams I had had is a strong evidence of my sacrificing my study time for the sake of going online! And what more, I do not remember what I was surfing at all! I felt so passive, useless and lazy. What was I doing? Why did I do it? Why do I still continue doing it? All these questions are attacking my brain.

Am I suffering from Internet "addiction"? What was once a hobby became something worse?

I certainly hope not. If I really am, I guess I have take measures to stop it once and for all, seeing that it's not healthy in the long run.

......

After typing all these out, I realised one thing. I treat everything I do too seriously. It seems like in whatever I do, I try to get the benefit out from entertainment. I don't know why it is a must for me to do beneficial things. So what is really beneficial for me? For me, it is gaining knowledge. My education. Ensuring that the activities I do somehow exercises my brain so that it will not fall into disuse. Yet, the biggest irony is that I'm not paying as much attention to my studies and my physical health anymore. I haven't been catering my brain by feeding it with knowledge. I have slackened, and...well, frankly, I don't care! =O

Are all these feelings a result of too much play, or too much work? It seems like my equilibrium of work and play has been distorted, and the lever is slumping down to one of the extremes rather steeply.

With that said, philosophy is a subject I don't really enjoy indulging and involving myself in! Philosophy, in this case, is "the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct". Not my own philosophy of living; I do that kind of thinking all the time. =P I seriously dislike delving into this discipline and asking ridiculous questions to get answers that border the level of Socrates (or some other philosopher in history. =S ). That's probably why I have a certain peeve towards people who give you answers that in a way, don't really answer the question and forces the listeners to think instead. I noticed this mainly occuring among the guys and well, it annoys me to a certain extent. I just want a straight answer, not a U-turn answer which ricochets off in a blurred way and doesn't really help.

Thus, logic thinking is a no-no to me. Lol! =D How ironic, don't you think? ;) This, I guess, stimulates my brain a lot and can be "useful" but it's too bad it clashes with my very nature.

Oh great, now I have sucked myself into a vortex of questions. Hoo boy...

Are hobbies and leisure activities good and healthy to pursue (not counting my surfing the Internet as a "obsession" (Is mine that extreme?)?)?

[+] There's more!

A Disney Channel Original Movie called Pixel Perfect aired last Sunday, and as the title suggests, it deals with, well, perfectionism! A boon and a flaw of mine. I guess it also plays the biggest factor behind my notorious bad habit, procrastination.

When I watched this movie, I can empathise with the main characters very well, particularly Samantha who was envious of Loretta's perfectionism. The irony is that Loretta herself isn't real, she's the ingenious hologram conceived by Roscoe. Overall, the movie itself was pretty good - it talks about the journey to humanity of a hologram, it talks about introduction of holographic rock stars, it talks about relationships and the boundary between reality and fantasy. However, the very issue I want to give my ten-cents on is perfectionism almost achieved by Loretta.

Actually, Samantha was pretty jealous of Loretta and her perfection. I can fully relate myself to Samantha who was envious of that pixel girl. Sorry to say this, but I dislike people who seem to be perfect: perfect in every aspect; Jack of all trades, master of all. Especially when the person has strived perfection in the fields I am trying to excel in. I will really get in the dumps with my self-esteem and self-confidence crushed and contemplate how he/she has done it without breaking a sweat.

That was exactly how Samantha felt in the movie about Loretta. Her band was looking for a lead singer as she herself was perceived as a "substandard one". Little did she know Roscoe has unintentionally created an uber-holographic singer who would steal all the limelight from her besides overshadowing her and suppressing her role heavily. Don't you feel uneasy when suddenly, a new person comes into the office and does exceptionally well in jobs you are good in? And you thought you were good. Your successes are overlooked by the manager in favour of that new guy. What more, she is talented and a master of your favourite hobbies and having the temperament of Mother Theresa!

Boy, as much as I love and admire her (if she exists), I would dislike her as much. I never told this to anyone, but sadly, I can be a finicky green-eyed monster. I won't let anyone get in my way of achieving perfectionism, an intangible thing once fulfilled is like nirvana! I just to show everyone my talents and abilities. It's a bummer that there is always someone out there who is better than me. No, I won't be so evil as to go all the way to eradicate that person, but I would certainly feel uncomfortable and very let down.

On the other hand, if I were perfect, I'll breeze though everything and my life will be smooth. On the downside, I am pretty much putting myself in harm's way. I will be scorned at, disgraced, looked down on etc. People will be jealous of me too and that doesn't make my life any easier either.

Alright, maybe I should just accept my flaws and probably work to improve on it. It's only human to err. Even then, I will eventually reach a limit when I can no longer be better. It will be the best of my capabilities and I guess there's only so much one can do.

Speaking of self-improvement, jealousy or admiration of other's achievements do contribute to my motivation of improving myself and tempting me to set mammoth and impossible goals and tasks. Sometimes though, I cannot help but do that, especially when I jolly well know that it is within my capabilities. What makes matters worse is that I am a Jack of all trades but not really a master of anything. All I want is to be extremely good, bordering the best, in something.

*sigh* That is very greedy and selfish of me to have so many talents and abilities. =( It's a shame that it is so much easier said and done. Sometimes, I just wish that I can have them all with just a snap of my fingers, but of course, this is no Aladdin story. =P

The path to perfection is a blessing and a very big curse as well. It shows that I care a lot about my work but it also shows how distracted I am whenever mistakes pop up. It also gives the impression that I show too much redundant meticulousness and wasting my time over something "insignificant".

Perfectionism also explains my reluctance of taking the first step of doing anything. Annelisa sums it up as avoidance. Yes, perfectionism tempts me to get everything right the first time. The problem is my plans conceived are not always good. That sets me back further.

Fear of erring. Fear of failure. Fear of outcome. Most significantly, fear of the unexpected. =S

It shatters my dream of achieving anything. Perfectionism. *shakes head* I'm not used to making "mistakes". I fear encountering them. I try to shy away from them. But ironically, without them, how will I ever learn things?

Samantha tried to mimic Loretta to impress everybody. In the end, she had a horrible fall and she went into a relapse. She was later rescued by Loretta. Sure, Loretta was flattered but she herself longs to have a sense of touch and human emotions. In the end, it goes to show that nobody is indeed perfect.

Hmm... I seriously shouldn't let perfectionism get too much in the way of my life. I wish it could stop right now! I really should start appreciating whatever abilities and talents (if any) I have right now. Now, when comparison meets perfectionism, then the REAL trouble begins.

You are looking at the victim.

[+] There's more!

I remembered that I was tagged by TopChamp once upon a time. Whoops, I can't believe it took me a month to respond to the tag. As I am in need to define my goals clearly, I am going to take advantage of this Five Things Meme and list down the goals I need to achieve this year. Priority is given to the most important tasks I need to accomplish, of course. ;)

Five goals to set my eyes on:

1. Faithfully revise at the very least 1 subject a day. This is so much easier said than done. =( With the hectic schedules I will be having up the coming year, I don't think I can risk burning the midnight oil again. I shall prove to myself that I can do it for the upcoming mid-year examinations. I have a feeling I will surprise myself (good or bad). A subject a day keeps procrastination at bay. =D (My conscience thinking: "Right...")

2. Improve on my linguistic skills, especially Malay. To be honest, my Malay teacher isn't helping much to further refine my stuttering Malay. I can even feel my grip on the language loosening and the level of Malay slowly sinking into the never-ending abyss. I seriously need to pull my ropes together - by reading Malay novels 24/7 and have that big fat Malay dictionary nearby to look up for unfamiliar (and once familiar) words. Hopefully, when my active vocabulary list has build up to the standard level, I'll be able to handle this language much more eloquently. =\ Same goes to English, I am beginning to feel that the once-beautiful words I spontaneously learned are slowly becoming cliched with frequent use. Time to widen the vocabulary pool. The same applies to German too.

It's the vocabulary in each of these respective languages that is holding me back from expressing myself "eloquently". I have no problems with understanding the syntax of these languages. My vocabulary needs to be expanded!

3. Get the school prefects' magazine done. I need to tell my council members to get writing reports of the school activities that took place this year. I need to study more magazines to get a feel of how magazines are designed. Time to subscribe to Readers' Digest! *chuckles* Cancel the humour there, I do not want to think about the head of prefect to give a big thumbs down to our magazine and begin doing everything by herself. =(

4. Learn to use Macromedia Flash 8 and master it within 3 months for the sake of an inter-school computer competition. I think it will be fun, but the problem is my reluctance to learn new things (again!) and also the lethargy of committing myself into it seriously.

5. Lastly, to learn to manage my time well. Without this, my mission of realising my goals will evaporate just like that. I need to say no to temptation, say no to procrastination and like what Nike has said: "Just do it!"

This time, I'm not tagging anyone but if you are up for it, then be my guest and have a go at this meme. You can talk five things about any subject; it does not need to be about your goals. =)

There are so many things I want to blog but I procrastinated again just couldn't find the time and energy to do so. This was also supposed to be written a long time ago, so that I know where I stand and where am I supposed to head. I wish I could sleep now but I need to learn up something for tomorrow's Flash training. *sigh* So much for beauty sleep. I see you guys soon! *weak smile*

[+] There's more!

I think it's time to shed some truth. I haven't been studying the last week, and the last. I took the break mainly because I wasn't in the mood the blog. As you can see, my blog posts weren't as exciting as last time's, as if life has been sucked out of me. I think that's kind of true. Ever since school has begun, I haven't been quite myself (except in school, where I can laugh out loud with friends). According to my brother, he said I'm two completely different persons during the school holidays and during school days. He said I'm more serious now than the last time when I visited him.

That's kind of true. I had to be serious as it's really a crucial year for me this year. Unfortunately, I have yet to be fully committed to my school work. All I have done this year is paying attention in most of my classes, go home and worry about how I should catch up on schoolwork. And instead of concentrating on my revision, I went instead to play on my PC! This recurs every single day, until the final days leading to my first tests.

Something went wrong. I didn't have the heart to study. My heart felt heavy everytime when I touched my textbooks that are 150 pages thick on average. The dreaded texts of nothing but knowledge that needs to be crammed into my brain which is reapplied later in exams.

I then begin to worry how I have to pick up my books to study. It's a must, no excuses. To shrug myself away from my problem, I went online and surf around the Internet. I don't even know what websites I have been surfing. Possibly my friends' blogs and unfortunately, none of you guys' blogs...and mine.

I haven't been blogging consistently and I am very aware of that fact. I took school as an excuse but it wasn't really school. All of a sudden, my heart isn't into blogging anymore (indirectly related to my worries that I should be studying). I just wanted to get away from the blogosphere as I'm quite exhausted from blogging and I encountered relentless blogger's (writer's) block. That explains why I haven't been commenting at or visited your sites. I just want to thank you guys so much for patiently waiting for my return. =)

Back to what I was saying. Lately, I begun to lurk around The Student Room forum where I can get to read first-hand experiences of senior students studying in sixth forms and universities in U.K. It was exciting to read their posts and I really look up to them as they are mostly pretty diligent students themselves. I kept imagining and telling myself that in a few years' time, I will be like them enjoying university life.

That is my dream, and dream is what I do. Act is what I don't.

I told myself, "Snap out of it! If you don't do anything to pull your socks up now, you're not going to end up in university. That's not the way to do it. Pick up your books and make them a reality!". So I did, and I groaned. It's simply too much. I was lazy and tired of studying. I just want to have eternal good things to befall on me, just like that. I know life isn't going to work out that way, sadly I just don't realise it.

I have this hobby of daydreaming about my future. It rather simple really: Do A-Levels and do my four or five subjects, move on to a British university and major in Biology and maybe minoring in Psychology or some other things (it keeps changing) and get a job. What job? I don't know...

Somehow, the idea of doing Psychology isn't very appealing to me anymore. Sure, I'd like to study it, but am I ready to be committed to its field for 30 odd years? Sounds like a long time to me. And thus, plans of my future is messed up. And I have to strive to think up of backup plans, bringing me back to The Student Room and other miscellaneous university and career websites.

I think I'm too young to think about all these things. I worry too much about my future and I have set my sights too far. I need to have short-term goals, like to get distinctions in my O Levels. Yet, I cannot help but be interested in what happens to me in 2 - 3 years time. I forgot that absolutely anything can happen. It's funny that these happens during periods of exams and tests.

Very, very ironic. =S

I smile at the perfect plan(s) I have created. I will be disappointed when all things go wrong.

Like now, when I'm supposed to be studying for my tests tomorrow. Yet, I am the least bothered to pick up my finger to revise thoroughly. Maybe later, I always tell myself, at 11 pm where I can rush through and cram all the required information into that petite brain of mine.

There I go again. Procrastinating, and taking things for granted.

Taking things for granted... Eerily, that phrase keeps popping out to me. In books I read, during Christian religious knowledge classes, my best friend... Someone up there is trying to tell me something. And I fail to heed to it.

I think it's my attitude which is the main problem here. Ignorance and taking things for granted is just "so me". =( Why am I waiting for someone to give me a kick in the rear and shake me profusely, yelling me to wake up and take a look at reality?

This is really weird.

I have yet to tell the Deputy Principal that I'm going to drop Sociology. Yes, I made up my mind, I'm dropping it, because I took things for granted, thinking that it's piss easy and I can do it. Apparently, I couldn't because I did not apply the effort to try. In short, I am just plain lazy and I procrastinated. Again.

And that is why I never dared to tell her. It was my mistake. I thank myself for being stupid in making such a haste decision. And that's not the only reason why...

This is going to be embarrassing. =( Another reason why I never approached is because of my friends! I don't want them to know anything about me taking an additional subject, and me dropping it again in the end. Indirectly, the taking of Sociology was the cause for me dropping Additional Maths. If my teacher finds out about this, she's not going to be happy and shake her head. I should have taken it as extra instead of Sociology which I can learn properly in A Levels.

I was too impatient to wait for two years and then to pick it up. Being the "smart" person I am, I took it up first, and because I couldn't bare to not take Geography (I love the subject, despite the sheer amount of things I need to remember =P), I dropped Additional Maths. No one knows the real reason why. It's just "inappropriate" for an academically sound student like me to drop such a subject which is considered stimulating enough for me. I sometimes regretted my own decisions in dropping Additional Maths. From what I heard from friends, the chapters following the very first chapter we learned last year was quite easy and "a walk in a park".

*sigh* I cannot believe choices like that can ricochet off many problems that comes with it. My choices of subjects were inadvertently affected by my main sole decision which is hasty, i.e. taking up of Sociology.

Subconsciously, I am quite troubled by that. Now, I need to inform of my decisions to the Deputy Principal as soon as possible before it's too late. I fear that she will inform my form teacher of my decision, and she will unintentionally announced it to the whole class, with my friends shooting me questions that I couldn't really answer.

If that happens, I will honestly be in deep shit and there wouldn't be any way of dropping it without dying of embarrassment. =S

One haste decision, so many consequences. Is that what life is all about?

Due to that very reason, I kept thinking about it subconsciously and I will retaliate in horror with the sheer mention of the words "Sociology", "extra subject", "9th subject", "Additional Maths" and even "GCE O Levels". You can see my face going pale and I suddenly acting nervous and trembling. It's that bad seeing that it sparked off phobias after phobias, worries after worries, fears after fears...

I honestly want to turn back time and undo what I have done. A part of me don't want that, because I don't want to go through the hassles I have been through last year. *frowns*

I need to do something about it, fast! Yet I'm held back by fear. I'm really scared...

On the other hand, I saw an advertisement in the local newspaper about the ASEAN scholarship to study in Singapore for A Levels. I'd love to get hold of it, unfortunately that scholarship will present problems if I do get hold of it.

• Subjects I would love to take up for A Levels, i.e. Sociology and Psychology, aren't offered by the MOE, let alone the schools themselves.
• I can't choose my school.
• I'm not ready to leave home.
• From what I heard, the students over there are fiercely competitive and scary when it comes to education. So is life there.
• There's CCAs to attend to besides school and that will take up a lot of time.
• 7 subjects to do instead of 4, with 3 compulsory ones which I do not fancy doing.
• I won't get to choose the schools myself.
• I don't think I can cope with it.

On the other hand, the education in Singapore is rigorous and high in quality, thus securing my future. Not only that, but the busy life I will have over there will present me the opportunity to practice time management and to eradicate my problems of procrastination. Also, I will gain more life experiences.

Again, decisions, decisions, decisions. It's either I get hold of the scholarship and study for free in Singapore, or I stay home and go to a local sixth form public school where I can get "free education" from the government (since I'm a local).

This time, I'm determined to not make any mistakes again. Once has been enough to making my life a misery. =( I got until April 2 to respond, and during this short period, I need to ponder about it.

For the time being, I need to forget about it and concentrate on tomorrow's subjects. They're way more crucial! =P

To end this, it's my attitude which is the problem. Now, I need to change it by hook or by crook for the better. To benefit me not only now, but for the rest of my life. Commitments. It's so hard to make. And it comes hand in hand with determination.

The only problem is how.

I feel so much better now after heaving this off my chest! I hope you guys don't find it too weird - I need to be honest with myself. Thank you guys for reading, and once again, I apologise for my absence from this part of the blogosphere. =)

[+] There's more!

Due to school-related stuffs, I was unable to blog the last week. =( I am utterly exhausted from having to do important assignments and schooling six days a week (despite our school hours running from 7 am to about 1 pm). Yesterday, I was rushing through my Commonwealth Essay as the deadline was today (and I barely met it) and because it was done at the eleventh hour, it turned out looking like a shoddy and sloppy piece of essay. =( The topics were quite hard this year and I think that is one of the main causes why I procrastinated.

Thus, I wrote it half-heartedly as I ran out of fresh ideas. It was horribly standardized and I doubt the judges would even read past the first paragraph before tossing it into the bin. *sigh*

Two days before the deadline, I was struggling to brainstorm out ideas for my essay. It took many hours later for me to decide to switch to another topic. I was unsure of the facts itself, therefore I failed to deliver my opinions. So instead, I wrote another topic which to my utter disappointment was not done well. Nevertheless, I am glad that I managed to shove this essay away from me. *weak smile*

While I was writing, I was loathing to my best friend the obstacles I had to overcome (i.e. my procrastination). I think I typed more words in our online chats than in my essay. =\ I can't believe I wasted so many precious hours just moaning and groaning to him how arduous my work was!

After I finally concluded my visit to one of my friend's blog, I suddenly entered panic mode and cold, harsh reality sank in. I had an essay to write, and I was faced with a blank document, except for the few paragraphs. It was pretty discouraging. Yes, I know I was a NaNoWriMo participant and 1500 words is "pretty easy" to manage.

I thought so too. I was overconfident. And that overconfidence brought my downfall, once again.

I began ranting to him how much I was strayed off track and I poured my disturbed emotions over him. I feel sorry for him having to bear my incessant rants. =( I am thankful that he can still manage to drill reality into my head. Thanks man, I really need that! =)

Like how I pathetically wrote 2 paragraphs in 3 hours. And he knowing that I find thrill in doing work at the last hour. They're all true and I don't deny it. Okay, I did but we knew it's true! =P Your sarcasm sure bites, mister! And they bite hard! =O (And I needed this shock therapy once in a while or rather everytime, lol!)

Then I began to get serious about my attitude. Sure, I may finish my essay minutes before my English teacher steps into class. Unfortunately if that continues, I'm not going to lead a very successful life.

I know this might sound really shocking, but I have this conceived belief that life is like a fairytale. I'm serious! It sounds childish but I hold onto that thought! I always feel that whatever I do, it will have a happy ending. If the ending is not happy, then it's not quite the end yet. Besides, isn't that what most stories in novels and movies are like - happy endings which will move me to tears or make me go "Yes!"?

It's rather ironic that I did not even try to put in the effort myself. I do things half-heartedly if it isn't to my desire. I loathe work. I dislike doing it. I rather do things that matter most to me (i.e. nothing at all!). The funny thing is, I like work as well, in the sense that it keeps me occupied and giving me a sense of purpose. In other words, I shun and love it!

Over-optimism is what I call it. Then at certain times, I can feel over-pessimistic. =S

To put it simply, I treated life like a fairytale and I think that belief is very self-damaging. Guess the advice I was given by this best friend of mine? =)

I never thought of it that way. Now that he had mentioned it, I pondered about it since I like to write (and end with a happy ending). He then took the words out of my mouth by saying that I feel as though whatever things I do will turn out well in the end. The weird thing is that many, many times the work I have done always turn out well and it further strengthens my belief. Self-damaging success? =S

Does that mean I am waiting for failure now? Maybe... There's that part of me that yearns for failure and once I have experienced it, it will be like a shock therapy and I will change for the better. So far, the failures in my life have yet to affect me? =S I don't know, I don't get it myself. I don't learn from mistakes? Or must be mistakes be so grave and profound that it will affect my mind, body and spirit?

Our conversation ended with these three important values that I will always remember for life:

1. Set goals
2. Prioritize
3. And most importantly, to take things that matter seriously

I failed to do any of these three... But I really must try my best to uphold these characteristics in order to be successful. Even one of my teachers explained about these to us in class.

I admit, I have read a lot of books on how to succeed in life. They are fun to read and they always motivate me. I never applied them though...

Maybe it's high time that I should.

......

I am really thankful that I have such a good friend in life who tries to give me a push in times of need. Especially at this crucial year where I'll be sitting for that important GCE 'O' Levels exam in November.

*sigh* It's time to begin... Screw procrastination and laziness; may these two demons go back to hell, lol! >=)

On the other hand, maybe I was slightly disturbed by the thought that I have yet to tell the Deputy Principal about me wanting to drop Sociology... I don't know why I hesitated to confront her. Why am I so afraid of telling her about my confirmed decision?


------------


Let's talk about my Valentine's Day. I thought it was a rather ordinary day, except very overrated and exaggerated. Ugh~ People get lovey-dovey and mushy-gushy at this one day of the year and what about the rest of the 364 days? And oh my, how commercialised has it been especially in this 21st century!

That wasn't what St. Valentine's Day was originally intended for. Our Christian Religious Knowledge teacher explained to us about its origins, and it was then only I realised how beautiful the story behind really was.

So much have changed over those years. (Fine, maybe I'm a bit biased towards this because I'm single and I have no "proper" girlfriend. But hey, I can always shower my love 365 days, not on that one day out of so many days! =P)

Despite my dull feelings towards that day, I want to wish everyone here a Happy (belated) Valentine's Day, and I want to thank you for the friendships we have formed. I thank you guys for coming here to this blog and took your time to know me; it was a pleasure to know you guys as well. Thank you, and all of you will always have this special spot in my heart. =)

Lots of love! =D

[+] There's more!

Hi guys! Sorry if I didn't manage to blog about something interesting right after my previous post as school has pretty much "taken over" my entire life. =P Suddenly, after our long, uneventful vacation, homeworks were dished out to each of us students. Plus, there are upcoming important events (at least to me) very soon next month and I am rather unprepared to deal with them. =S

This was supposed to be written in my previous post, but I was feeling rather groggy and tired due to lack of sleep (despite lasting for 7 hours - quite a long time for many people). *sigh* In fact, I wasn't feeling too good yesterday. My orientation was blurry and I couldn't think straight. Thankfully I'm alright now and in top shape again. =D

There must be a reason for me to blog, right? Otherwise, I couldn't simply just weave my blog posts out from nothing. That would be too weird! =P

I remember while I was a kid, I used to keep several diaries. I remember keeping a diary chronicling my daily school life, which I showed to my parents and they raised their eyebrows, asking why am I showing my diary to them when it was meant to be private. Not surprisingly, that diary of mine never lasted long. =P So do all of them.

Blogging completely replaced keeping a physical diary. I discovered it after my friend had introduced to me his personal blog, and I was hooked. This meant not only can I write about my personal life and being able to share them with all of my friends, but this also means that I finally had the chance to put my basic HTML knowledge to the test. It was incredibly exciting and from then on, I became a regular blogger.

This aforementioned blog of mine still exists today somewhere in the blogosphere. Unfortunately, my blogging activities over there has dwindled in frequency because I ran out of topics to blog about. Sure, blogging about what goes on everyday in my life is fun (up to a certain point), but it's redundant and most of the time, it's the same routine anyway. No one likes to read the same things, and I don't want to put in the effort to tell the same story in different ways. I got bored of it and decided to venture into something deeper - discovering myself via blogging (and at the same time, to improve my writing skills). Speaking of writing skills, I remember mine wasn't this good. I remember vaguely last year that I was blogging about something simple and short and I honestly don't know why but somehow, my words just "click" together and I was actually using a higher form of English. I then realised that I can write! I kept blogging, and that's it - my way of self-expression via writing and blogging has changed for the better forever. =) I can't believe blogging in itself has became a big turning point in my life.

There are many instances when I wanted to spill out my thoughts into my other blog but that wasn't possible because my friends are reading it and when I ventured into Year 10, I made many friends and although I am like a monster saying this, but I couldn't trust them with my innermost thoughts. I was thinking, maybe I should but then I decided against it, believing that it's not wise to do so.

That's the very reason why this blog was conceived - as a place for me to quickly type out whatever worries, problems, frustrations and thoughts that haunt a corner of my brain which can quickly take over me. It felt good to even ramble into space. It's like putting them into a trash bag and send to the incinerator to be burned and forgotten. I must say, it's very liberating.

Another reason why I blog is also so that I can know the severity of my more "serious" problems. Do you guys know I have no idea how less severe my problems seem to be once I reread them again later? I realised that most of them are as a result of my hyperactive brain and I have this tendency to over-exaggerate even the most menial problems. Thank you to all who commented to help make my problem seem small and solvable, I truly appreciate it and it made me relaxed more, now that I can see my problem from a different angle, i.e. your perspective.

I also think more of my heart than my head, and that presents a really bad problem to me. Sometimes, when I ramble, I find that I'm not even thinking at all, just lashing out my emotions and thoughts into a blog post. (That's why some are pretty angsty. =P) It's always much, much later that I only made use of my logic centre up there to come up with solutions and to calm myself down. It's really funny at times. =P

What makes blogging so liberating for me is my anonymity. I guess a lot of people who stumble into this little haven of mine have often wondered who is that guy behind that cartoon portrait? Not disclosing his name is perfectly fine, but not even his location? The reason why I do not disclose anything besides my age is because I want to have the complete freedom to write whatever I want. Freedom of self-expression is what I really want because I am conformed by pressures of society to be someone normal - someone who doesn't share his own, personal thoughts with everyone he is acquainted with. Besides, I'm weird myself already. I don't think they are ready for more of my private and even weirder thoughts. =P

Besides, I don't really like sharing my thoughts with people. Sometimes, secrets are best kept to one self. I am also making myself vulnerable. People will take advantage of me and many a times, I find it rather difficult to fend it off. I'm not strong enough, both physically and mentally.

That itself, however, presents another problem of mine. I want to at least tell someone what I am going through now. I have no idea why I have such a funny need to do so. But yeah, I just want to share my life with someone. People have called me private, but I long to tell them all that has happened to me. It's just that I don't trust them enough and worse: I am fearful of divulging them me.

By putting my name and my location and horrors of all horrors, my picture (!), I am severely limited to what I can write as people who know me personally would expect certain things from me and not to expect weird, yet "wonderful" things about me. And wouldn't this ruin the whole point of keeping a secret blog as well (remember Google ;) )? Things I hide from loved ones disclosed here to total strangers who know nothing about you. The only way they can get to know the real you is via blog posts, of course. ;)

That is the real beauty of blogging. =) You can always do that in real life, but unfortunately, certain circumstances prevent one from doing so.

I just want to tell you guys that in this blog, I'm not a person.

I'm a soul stripped off its body and flesh, and bones...

Am I jeopardising my vulnerability? Very. I know that itself is a paradox. But then, I just want to show my true self to the world, something that I don't always do in real life. Besides, my anonymity is my protection. =P

I honestly have no idea this blog and I could evolve and mature so much within the time span of half a year! I was happy that I got to know a few people via comments and who now have became my very good buddies. Each of them offered many different good advices and opinions and I appreciate ALL of them. =)

Never in my whole life did I expect this blog to win the Bestest Blog of The Day awards the other day. I was, and still am, OVERJOYED! =D Yaaaay!!! Thank you to everyone who came here to read my blog posts, from the humble beginnings of this blog to its present day state. =) I certainly enjoy blogging about my life, and I hope you guys enjoy reading it as well. =)

P.S. The portrait below was done by my little brother using Adobe Photoshop Elements 2.0 and a graphics tablet in one of his Art classes. Doesn't it look nice (albeit grotesque in a really cool way? ;) )?


© that frolicsome kid's little brother, 2007 - 3007 (lol!). Click on picture to view full-size.

[+] There's more!

Why don't I feel happy about him, but instead a melancholy feeling lingers in my soul? I mean, it's his birthday today and I am happy that he has finally turned 16, the sweetest age of anyone's life.

I think it's because our relationship isn't so hot now and it isn't working out I guess, despite making up (phrase edited on 5/2, thanks katelyn and annelisa for pointing out!) and settling our rather fragile friendship way back at New Year's Day. It was a Sunday...

This is horrible, I shouldn't be feeling like this. But I honestly cannot help it as these past few days I have been haunted by thoughts about him and I have been questioning our friendship, where we stand now etc. before sleep. Something is wrong; there's no more spark between us unlike last time, three years ago.

Did I tell you guys about the outing I had with him last month? To tell you the truth, it was not exciting at all. It was incredibly dull, if it wasn't for the movie. We talked rather little, and even if we did talk, our topics were rather dry anyway since they were school-related talk and other simple chats and comments passing (I can't remember them). It was horrible, we both weren't opening up to each other. What is wrong? What went wrong? Was it me?

I hate to jump to conclusions but I think the downfall of our friendship was having nothing in common in all. I couldn't find anything in common between us anymore. We don't play the same games and we don't have the same interests. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel jealous at the fact that he has a big circle of friends (at least among the guys), united by a (stupid) game I call Warcraft and other games they play. I know I have made a rather harsh statement, but I can't help but have this feeling that the aforementioned is true. (By the way, I dislike or rather hate Warcraft. I am inexperienced (or in 1337, a n00b)

Guys, I honestly don't know what is coursing through me now. Despite being best friends for quite a number of years, I know very little about him. It's only his overt personality that I know of. Even so, I still know little about it compared to most of his friends. I don't know his hobby (besides gaming), I don't know his favourite colour and his favourite things, I don't know how he views life and how he thinks. I can't even tell from the way he say things whether he is sarcastic about it, serious about it, angry about it or is simply kidding about it. (Maybe it's due to his neutral intonation.)

Heck, I don't even know some of his secrets which most of his friends do. I tell him mine. I am very open to him, I tell him some of my secrets and I seek solace in him many a times. So why doesn't he tell me some of his, or at the very least share what's going on in his life besides the usual "Nothing much"? (I admit, I say that too many times.)

In other words, he is *heaves a heavy sigh* becoming a stranger in my life. I'm even closer to some of my good friends than him. There's another way of saying it, but I can't recall it at the moment.

This happened to me twice already, having a falling out with three of my previous best friends. One moved to another school and I haven't seen him since, another I abandoned for a "new" best friend and the other one was because he took advantage of my weaknesses and he bullied me.

Was it all because I have labeled them as my "best friend"? Am I cursed as to whenever I say it out, some unseen forces will try and split us apart? (It was an exaggeration. There's a high chance that it wasn't because of that.) Or have I befriended the wrong best friend?

Or is everything all because of me, that I'm too demanding and I take all this best friend relationship thing too seriously? Fine, I am a bit demanding and I do take these sort of friendships seriously. That's because I care for them and I also want to share moments of my life with them be it bitter or sweet. And I want intimate companionship(s), not having fake acquaintances and fans.

All I want is just someone to be nice to me, and to see and like me as who, not what, I am. Besides that, I also want a someone who can keep on a lookout for me, talk to me, give some attention to me (not everytime though, I need some space) and be his/her genuine self.

Are they too much to ask for? I think so... Maybe I should keep my...err..."expectations" lower, I guess...

We lack communication. We used to be pretty talkative when we see each other. Lately, we're not. It's all a matter of hi and bye.

*sigh*

I sometimes even fear meeting him. My heart beats up for no apparent reason when I see/near him. I don't know what I fear about. I can't explain it. It's just that, I feel extra strange when I am with him. This is weird considering since I act pretty normal with the rest of my friends and acquaintances.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have this paranoia?

I remember turning down on my friends' invitations to go on outings which my best friend is going. I disliked going out at that time (I didn't like staying out of my house). Maybe that was my mistake. One day (recently), I decided to give it a try and sad to say this, I didn't have fun. And last year, he invited me to his house for his birthday party. Again, sorry to say this, I didn't have fun. The only fun part I liked was the birthday cake part.

They were playing Warcraft and I felt left out. I was glad to leave them in peace... =(

This is not to say I do not remember all the happy moments we share together. Of course I do. I remember way back in Year 8 when he and I went off to the block of flats near our school before Taekwondo classes begin and we would whip out our Nintendo Game Boy Advances and begin our Pokemon battles. =) I know, it seems pretty childish at that time considering our age, but we had lots of fun fighting! It was awesome even though not many could understand how we can derive enjoyment from playing Pokemon. It was my obsession at that time. Thank goodness it's dying now! ;) But still, that was how we bonded.

I still remember vividly him telling me that he has a crush on the same person as I have. Remember Akazukin ChaCha? Yeah, that was the same person he had a crush on. And I was quite crushed, LOL! I still remember the place he told me that. We were making a turn towards another school behind us. The trees were rustling and I remember the sun shining its rays in its cheerful mood. The birds were singing in the trees with the beautiful music spoiled by zooming cars most of the time. It was a beautiful day.

I also remembered the many times we walked around the block where our school was sited and in our walks, we talked about nothing but ourselves. It was fun and enjoyable, even though I cannot remember what we have talked about. All I remember is the sun shining and they were beautiful days. Hahahaha, and we always came to Taekwondo class a few minutes late! *silly grin*

Those were the days...

And now?

I honestly do not know what caused our distance between us. I blame lack of communication and us splitting up into different classes last year. Then again, we were drifting apart already two years ago. Many times, I addressed the problem to him. Nothing has changed...

What's wrong? (I know I have said this over and over again)

Maybe it's high time that we end our special friendship, on our last year of high school. It's just not working out anymore. I don't mind remaining as friends with him though (I honestly do not want to make an enemy out of a best friend. It happened twice; I don't want it to happen again.). This is what I am really feeling now. It cannot be explained, most of my feelings cannot be put down into words but I know it instinctively.

Maybe it's just me not knowing how to be a good best friend. =(

Dear best friend, if you are still reading my blog and you happen to read this on your birthday, I'm awfully, dreadfully sorry! But these are the true, honest feelings I wanted to pour out quite some time already. Sorry to ruin your birthday =(. I hope you can understand (I know you always tell me you do understand, but do you really? I have my doubts, I hate to say that =( ).

However, please understand this: You are a nice guy (and you still are!) and you treated me so well during the pinnacle of our friendship. I thank you so much for all those times; unforgettable times of my life. Have a great sweet 16th birthday to you and take good care of yourself. Hope you have a great birthday today. =)

[+] There's more!

I myself cannot believe time itself has flown so fast, and I still remember vividly on this very day last year, my family and I were counting down to 2006.

We're going to do the same again, in less than an hour's time. Moving on to January 1, 2007. Time to take down the old calendars. Time to practice writing 2007 instead of 2006 in school exercise books! Time to sober oneself one; never again will I ever repeat the mistakes I made this year (which I can't remember at the moment!). Time to tell myself, "Hey man! It's the new year! Time to turn over a new leaf, into an even better person!"

Hahaha, I have yet to write up my New Year's resolutions! I'll do that on the New Year itself.

I've gained so much this year, MORE THAN EVER in my entire life. Never have I looked at things in such a new, mature perspective. I actually began to learn to value my life and build up and strengthen my self-philosophy and values. I'm really happy and content with myself. I hope you guys are too! =)

Tonight's New Year's Eve BBQ was a total dud, at least that's what I thought unfortunately. The few guests my mom invited weren't the most exciting bunch. They left home before the countdown. Sigh~ But I guess that's okay. I prefer this to be a family event anyway.

I don't know what else to say now. Guess all that I can do now is wait, keep checking on my eBay's sales activity (which is currently only 1, hahaha!) and yeah... waste the final moments of 2006. Not exactly a good idea, but hey, there isn't much I can do now. I think.

45 more minutes to go.

I shall leave you guys here in 2006. I'll wait for everyone in the Western Hemisphere to pass into the New Year, then we can really celebrate. Okay? =P

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007! PERPETUAL HEALTH AND PROSPERITY TO ALL, AND OF COURSE, PLEASE ENJOY THE NEW YEAR!

[+] There's more!

...a bit! Actually it's more like shock, disbelief, then acceptance, and feelings of admiration and determination. I don't know whether you guys have heard of this before, but this afternoon, I received a forwarded email from my sister and it's about a teenage girl called Jacqueline Saburido who got involved in a "freak" accident and had 60% burns on her body (third-degree burn).

I admit, when I first saw the pictures of her after the accident, I totally freaked out! No offense to her nor anyone, but I have never seen such...pictures before. What happened was she was riding a car with her friends and suddenly a drunk driver crashed into their car which was later caught fire. She was stuck in the car and was burned intensely for 45 seconds! And I feel really sorry and symphathetic after reading her tragedy and I was flabbergasted. I mean, I can't stand little pain and sufferings and I will moan and cry, and here I am reading her account! *trembles*

So, she had to go for intensive surgeries and it took her a couple of years to gradually live a normal life. I really admire her because despite all the pains and sufferings she had to undergo during her therapy, she face them all with a strong and fiery spirit. And I really really admire her determination and courage! For a person who is disabled, she managed to overcome all the odds! Read the full article here. Please, I recommend you to take your time and read it. It's a really good testimony and article.

From my point of view, the moral of this story isn't really about drivers should not drive while drunk (although the authorities there took it as an integral part of their 'Don't drive while drunk' campaign) but it's more on how life can seem very short and precious, and that we should appreciate our life, as well as the everyday things which most of us take for granted. We never know when these will be taken away from us, and only at that time of "removal" will we know how valuable they can be.

I wish her all the best in living her life now.

Her accident and how she managed to go through all the odds will forever get imprinted in my memory for many many more years to come, and something to reflect on when I start to get angsty again =P.

[+] There's more!