My friend cheerily invited me to join her and some friends for salsa class. I was like, wow, seriously? I love to try out salsa and it is also a good opportunity to try out something new and get out of my comfort zone. I was looking forward to a phone call from my mom (she's overseas for now) so that I could tell her all about the exciting news. And guess what? The mom I love(d) dampened my spirits. More than dampened. She insulted me and put me down by asking very rudely, "Why on earth are you pursuing a woman's hobby?"

I felt like I was slapped in the face. I defended myself by saying it will only be for six weeks, plus a few of my guy friends are joining as well, so I won't be the only miserable guy over there. She asked whether that is a ballroom dance or not. I agreed, and I was clinging on the hope that maybe she will let me join, because last time, our family loved to listening to karaoke romantic music and watching the couple ballroom dancing.

And she picked on my weak point and attacked my femininity/masculinity. She believes my masculinity will be jeopardized if I were to learn salsa. She strongly believes that men who dances are gay, i.e. implying that I am gay, and my guy friends who are joining salsa, gays. I flared up! It isn't justifiable! I wanted to shout at her and knock on her head for being really stupid. I mean, in the 21st century, gender stereotypes are falling already. And she believes men into dancing are gay? Oh, GET A GRIP, MOM! Haven't you heard of hip hop dancing (which my little brother wants to do)? Or maybe dancing in rave parties? That's not gay at all. People are having fun, and that's the important thing.

Why don't you want me to at least try out salsa and have fun, mom? Why are you so insecure about my, erm, "manliness" when I am perfectly fine with myself? Sure, I know I'm different from most guys, and I may be a bit feminine, but I can't change myself. It's who I am, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. I just want to try it out and spend some time with friends, that is all! I have never done that before, and this is one of those opportunities which I can easily get. But thanks to you, it's now gone, and not only that, you've delivered a deadly blow to my self-esteem. Thanks so much!

What image of me you conjured in your mind, can you please destroy it? I'm sorry, I just cannot meet your "expectations" of me anymore! You cannot interfere with my life anymore. If I am not dependent on you financially, I will, and I so will, take life into my own hands and do whatever I want with it. That is what I am doing now, and the CAS element of IB is giving me THE perfect excuse to stretch myself and get out of my "bubble". I'm sick, and tired, of being the nerdy nerdy nerd! I want a life. I NEED A LIFE!

And I can't be bothered talking to you or my dad about anything else because you don't respect the activities which will define me. And you think by learning salsa, I turn gay. Sure, I'm glad you gave me the consent to stop piano classes. I'm happy for that. Nevertheless, you shouldn't control the activities I want to join and manipulate me like a puppet. Oh yes, you can join others but not salsa because it makes men like you gay, weak and pathetic. She even mentioned she is disgusted by men dancing like gays. Er, no! Not all dance like that. You should have been glad that I am not signing up for pole dancing! -.-"

First, you slashed out at me for joining cooking class because cooking is for girls. You could not bear the thought of me joining yoga class, because "for men, it is too soft a sport". You wanted to question me about taking care of Dane, my autistic child, but when you hear the word "autistic", you kept quiet because you thought I was contributing to society. I dare not mention taking care of toddlers as well, otherwise you'd think I am training for motherhood.

I wanted to learn cooking because I want to be self-sufficient when I am in university, and maybe save you some money! I want to learn yoga because yoga is as close as getting flexible as gymnastics, and my country does not have any public gymnastics class. I want to take care of children because my friends suggested me to, and I want to interact with young people and learn to connect with them.

I do these things to benefit myself and be a balanced person with a life, not to prepare myself for a sex change. Do you get that? DO YOU GET THAT?

No wonder I don't tell my parents things. I'm glad for that. It saves me a lot of embarrassment, and wear and tear. Go figure!

[+] There's more!

I'm going nowhere in Grade 8. My confidence in piano is non-existent. My self-esteem in music playing hits an all-time low. I can't even be bothered to practice anymore. I forgot most of my theory in music and thus, I doubt I can even pass Grade 8 Theory if I were to sit for it this November.

My piano teacher is so going to be torn into pieces if she were to know I want to give piano a break. She will be extremely disappointed and disgusted by my "rash decisions", and it will all be my fault.

The manuscripts of the exam pieces freak me out. Huge chords scare me. Sight-reading is extremely intimidating. There are too many black dots, too few rests and white space. I don't think I can handle Grade 8 anymore. I can't even satisfy the minimum requirements anymore.

I don't want to make music (as in instruments) a part of my life anymore. I want to lose that identity because it's no longer me. It feels like a foreign debris lodged into my soul. And the worse thing is I'm so "far" into music now, I am "not expected" to stop, and let everything go to waste.

I'm so sorry. =( I wished I could be better, but I'm not acting on my words. It just isn't my interest anymore. And I don't know how to put this forward to her, who has selflessly imparted to me musical skills for about a decade. I'm sorry, I really am. I don't want to hurt her feelings. And I don't know what to do now... I just can't go for piano lessons anymore.

[+] There's more!

So much things have happened over these past few days. On Monday, my mom and that hypocritical "bossy" friend have annoyed me to a point of no return, and my mood was extremely foul for that entire day. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Anyway, on a happier note, the CAS element of IB has given me a wonderful insight into children. Although I would have been exhausted after a really long day of school, I enjoyed playing with them! Seriously, they are so awesome. I'm quite proud of myself for being involved in their lives and enriching their childhood, especially the autistic kid I'm taking care of. Let's call him Dane. Last Friday, when Dane was going home, her mother confided with me about Dane's sad situation in his school.

As Dane's friend, I noticed that unlike other kids, he is extremely smart and he sees the world in an entirely different perspective compared to other kids. He is naturally inquisitive, and very chatty! =D It wasn't until my crush asked me whether he was a prodigy when his mother told me about Dane's high intelligence. I reflected on her words and realised that he could be one. However, his enthusiasm for knowledge scares off other kids his age, and his mom told me he was always bullied in school.

I flashed back and remembered the time when Dane told me he was bullied in his school. I didn't think too much about it (stupid me!) because I thought maybe his friends were just having a day of fun. I was a bit concerned, but I didn't raise that concern to his mom. Oh man, I am mad with myself for keeping quiet! >.<

Anyway, his mom on Friday confirmed that it is a recurring problem. Dane has no real friends in school at all, and I thought, how can children be so cruel to someone who is different? =( He did have a friend once, but he has since moved to our school. So his mom began to thank me for taking good care of Dane, because I was not only helping him to overcome his autism, I was also his only friend. I was in shock, because I thought Dane has a few friends in school.

She then told me that Dane was struggling in school. I looked at her with wide eyes and questioned that possibility. I mean, he was a very bright and chatty fellow when we were playing together in my school playground. From the way he spoke, he obviously was very intelligent. And I came to learn a shocking truth.

When Dane is "overwhelmed" (I forgot her exact words), his brain begins to shut down, and he is unable to complete his schoolwork for the whole day. And he will begin to act strangely and misbehave. And his teachers did not know how to deal with him. My interpretation is he was even ignored by his teachers, because they didn't know how to deal with him. I was steaming! How can they NOT KNOW how to handle him? They can't just ignore him, because his problems won't go away. She told me that out of 5 school days, he can only concentrate in school for 2 days. The rest... well, wasn't really productive.

I can't imagine the situation, because so far, Dane is just like any other nice kid, if you discount his peculiarities (which I really don't find peculiar at all). Off the top of my head, I can list some. As the playground is fenced, whenever the bouncy ball goes outside the playground, he begins to get uncomfortable and he requested me to bring the ball back in. And then, whenever he plays with the ball, he talks to the ball, asking it to come back. Despite my encouragement, he doesn't want to try the monkey bars. And of course, he doesn't make eye contact whenever he talks. His eyes wander everywhere but my eyes.

And I'm not really bothered by those, actually. If I didn't know he is autistic, I could have mistaken him as an ordinary, bright kid.

Anyway, I probably couldn't understand the difficulties the teachers faced as well when dealing with Dane as he wasn't in his best, and I haven't seen him at his worse time too. So erm, yeah...

You know, when Dane's mother mentioned that I'm his only true friend, I cannot help but feel really happy and important too. I have never felt important before, and I was really touched by her words and Dane's sincerity whenever we meet and have fun. I mean, I never imagined myself to be important in anyone's life at all! I'm like, wow! =O =D It makes me really happy, because I have at least a real purpose to exist. To make someone's life better. =)

Making a difference. I like it... Wow!

Man, I so love Dane! =D


On another matter, I feel as days pass by, I am getting closer and closer to this wonderful girl who is my close friend in school. Let's call her Miss Klutzy! ;) Yeap, I really like Miss Klutzy. Like on Monday when I got angry with my mom, she calmed me down by saying that my mom was looking out for me, and she was just doing her job. And I'm like, why am I so blinded by anger as to not see more than just the nagging? She's sincere, she's nice, she's pretty, she's awkward and she is so far from the woman of my dreams. But her personality, oh my, I fell in love with it! So full of love and happiness. And for a few days when we chatted online, we found out that we have a lot of common in our teenage angsts. The thing being she experienced it first because she is about 2 years my senior.

At first, her age kind of bothered me. I always thought a couple is an older man with a younger woman (to compensate men's late maturity =P). As time passes, it didn't bother me anymore because love knows no boundaries. LOL! I just hope that somehow, we will be more than just friends. But I'm keeping things slow for now. I don't want to set myself up for another disappointment, yet!

I have to stop here. It's getting late, and I have not finished my Theory of Knowledge assignment on writing a Maths poetry. Maths isn't my strong calibre, and I have zero interest in Maths. Not to mention our current Maths substitute teacher is bad beyond bad. I start to despise Maths now. I want our Maths teacher back. Never mind that she have just given birth! =P Hahaha!


Anyway, Model United Nations conference is coming up this weekend. I am extremely excited! =D I have prepared everything except tackling the flaws in my resolution, writing a speech supporting my resolution and printing out my online resources. I can't wait! However, I have difficulty countering points of information people shoot me. And I fear them because I always give illogical answers. I always answer in broken English because of my nervousness. *embarrassed* And thanks to nervousness, my brain conveniently decides to shut down, and I start to lose control. =( And the last time I participated in this, participants have been extremely mean and hypercritical. It was so depressing, because they don't even give a newcomer a chance to recuperate. =S

[+] There's more!

I am on the verge of breaking down because heaps of work are pilling up, I'm looking out for excuses to procrastinate, I feel uninspired, I feel demotivated. I feel tired! So tired of school... =(

And homework just keep coming in, like low-energy waves where the swash is stronger than the backwash. My writing skills ironically becomes unpolished and stilted. Writing suddenly doesn't feel natural anymore. It's actually something which I want to take a break from! Oh God, what is becoming of me?

My English essay on A Doll's House is one of the worst essay I have ever crafted. I don't really know how to write a literature essay based on a certain theme. Do I actually have to reread the books (I did) and present my ideas in a chronological idea? I don't think that is how it is supposed to be correctly done.

And I call myself a reader. Shame, shame! =(

And then there are the topics on population in Geography which I am supposed to complete during the December holidays. My notebook is due on Monday, and I have not completed even half of the big assignment. I am so screwed...

And I'm starting to find myself understanding, yet not understanding, concepts in classes. An analogy to describe it is drowning in a sea of knowledge where you immerse yourself with knowledge, yet the more you know, the more you don't seem to know and suddenly, you fail to appreciate them and you suddenly become dumb. Do you get the picture?

Sixth form is dumb. And in those days, I thought it was one of the coolest thing which can happen to me. I never thought it would even be stressful. People think I'm breezing through because I am a boy genius. I am so not a genius. My IQ is just around 120 (according to a Facebook application). And I'm not breezing through, I'm suffering in hell! =( People can't seem to understand the difficulty I'm going through. Heck, I don't even understand myself too. =(

I just want to crawl in a corner and sit there dejectedly and watch as the world unfurls, without giving a damn to anything.

[+] There's more!

I am so tired. I was completing my Chemistry practical report in a sleep-like trance. My mind was completely detached from my body and flew to dreamland. While I was brainstorming for answers, I had subconsciously wrote this down. This will dazzle the scientific community.

... If there is a large excess of zinc, (pause) I will call them for help.

A minute later, I "came back". I reread what I wrote, and I was so shocked at my answer. I couldn't even remember writing that! And call who for help? =S And I laughed!!!

Oh gosh, I'm too tired. My energy is drained out, and I need to complete this Geography presentation due tomorrow. Oh boy...

[+] There's more!

Wi-fi Pokemon battles were really fun and enjoyable. I think Pokemon Diamond is the best Pokemon game ever made, simply because it finally enabled online battling and trading. My passion for competitive battling was reignited, and I hopped on to the bandwagon.

Unfortunately, raising a new team is tough. The process of breeding Pokemon with certain conditions is arduous, and the odds are unfairly unfavourable. The game adventure robbed my holiday. My chance in catching up schoolwork was gone. It robbed my first weekend! My chance in straightening things is gone! =( Time flew just like that, and once again, I am grumbling about my lack of self-discipline. =(

I did what was best. I wrote down my future plans for my new team. I retired the game and everything related to it. No more online battling anymore, until when I have more time.

Best decision of my life so far this year. =)

*sigh* All the work poured in. Oh well, I guess that's that. I now understand why my mom imposes bans on video game consoles during the school term.

Back to my incomplete Biology homework, which I thought was already completed after the holidays. Here I go again!

[+] There's more!

I'm back to school. A new one, that is. I'm in Year 12, a.k.a. sixth form. I am doing the International Baccalaureate. I have been looking forward to this moment for a long time. And I'm finally here! =D And I am LOVING it! =D

And I'm tired... =( There is so much work involved. I do not have enough time to bum around and do whatever I want. I think I'm burned out. I haven't got a proper break after exams. I was asked to join the school for 3 weeks to get a taste of the environment there and to catch up with my new peers, so that I will be on track with the course the next semester. At least it is interesting. =)

If you notice, there is a Nokia mobile phone there. It's mine. I recently bought it after my mom gave me the thumbs' up. I love my new phone. =) I thought it was a better investment than the PDA.

The weekend is here, and I never feel so happy about it before! =P

P.S. I have yet to receive more notes and books! Those are just the tip of the iceberg. =S You should see my Maths textbook, it's 800+ pages thick! Enough to mistake it for a dictionary, or a Harry Potter novel. =O

[+] There's more!

It's over! =D

I am still in shock. I have been looking forward to this day for a long time, and now that it is here, I am stunned to face reality. O Levels are over and I am hereby released as a free man. I am no longer imprisoned by dark, bleary days of poring over my notes. I am set free and there is no stopping me! =D

I'm so happy and relieved, I don't think anything can ruin my mood! =D I'm super duper happy! Yes! Yes! *jumps in joy* Horray!

I HAVE GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL! =D

Rejoices! Liberation never felt so good, freedom never smelled sweeter; it is too good to be true. But it is, and I am loving every minute of it. Time, currently, is an illusion. ;)

SCREAMS!

Now, run along people. I need hedonism at the moment. Don't disturb me. =P Have a great weekend. Cheerios!

[+] There's more!

I haven't been blogging nowadays partly because I'm not in the mood to blog. I have no idea why... It just comes and goes. Another reason is because of the upcoming O Levels. Below is my exam schedule which I am willing to share since the exam is universal (it is an international exam and candidates are going to sit for it on the same day) and I thought it would be nice to let you guys keep track of my progress.

The aim of posting this online is to happily cross them everything off once each exam is done. Well, it's a form of stress-reliever! ;)

19 September - English 4
27 September - Malay 3

16 October - Biology 3
25 October - Physics 3, Computer Studies 1
30 October - Chemistry 3
31 October - D Maths 1

1 November - Malay 1, Malay 2
5 November - D Maths 2
7 November - English 1, English 2
8 November - Geography 2
13 November - Biology 1, Biology 2
14 November - Physics 1, Physics 2, Geography 1
15 November - Chemistry 1, Chemistry 2

15 November, 5 p.m. - Party(-ing)!


Addendum November 13, 12.01 p.m.:

I'm so glad the memory-intensive subjects are over! What do I mean by "memory-intensive"? It basically means learning up many different concepts which are interrelated to one another. It also means having to stay up until 2 a.m. learning everything when the probability of each coming out is 33.3333333%! The three which fits this criteria are Computer Studies, Geography and Biology. Now that they're over and done with, I can give my poor brain a rest, at least from memorising and remembering.

Never again! =O

I wish... I'm still taking two of those subjects next year. What's wrong with me? Booo! At least these exams are over and done with. Now I need to focus on Physics and Chemistry. Less memory work, but more of application. And I suck at it! =O But first, a rest! =)


Addendum November 14, 3.57 p.m.:

I have roughly 25 hours till freedom. Can't wait! =D Oh, I had chicken rice for lunch before Geography 1. It was good spending some time alone. After that, I took away iced mocha from a coffeehouse. I drank it in school while "studying" Geography. I loved it. =) *slurp*

[+] There's more!

I met the IB Head yesterday, and after listening to his thorough explanation about it, I was in awe of the diploma programme and I am really enthusiastic about it. I'll be a late entry since their semester has already begun (the school year begins on August; it is an international British school) but judging from my "impressive grades" (so they say), they will say I have little problems catching up and integrating myself into my classes quickly.

I shook my head in amazement. "Wow!" and "Like, seriously?!" is all I can say! =)

I do have reasons for liking the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme (colloquially known as IB) because of its breadth. 6 subjects are read - 2 languages (I love!), 1 Science, 1 Humanities, 1 Maths (bummer) and 1 elective. It provides a balanced education which is good for people like me who are still undecided about their career tracks. Currently, I'm thinking of majoring in the field of Biology but I'm still unsure and I want to keep my options open.

Besides that, there's the Extended Essay on which you can write extensively (4000 words) about absolutely anything relevant to a subject! And then, there's the philosophical Theory of Knowledge (cool!) and CAS which is basically doing compulsory co-curricular activities about anything!

Those elements combined in the IB makes it really exciting and worthwhile to pursue as a pre-university course. I have read online that it's a great preparation for university as it teaches you time-management skills and lets one get used to the workload which is ridiculously a lot. I sorely need to polish up those skills and I would find it immensely helpful if I can struggle earlier so that I may get used to it. =)

I don't think the local sixth form schools really prepare me that rigorously. You'll only specialise in 3 subjects and that's it. Well, I don't know. I haven't done much research on A Levels yet and I don't think I will since there isn't much information online on what the local schools offer. Sure, it's free (I think) for locals like me and I thought it would be worthwhile to take that up. Then again, I was sold by IB. So I guess I'll be sticking to it. I hope it is one of the good decisions I've made in life. I have a week to think about it before I finalise my decision. If you do have more information about the IB or even A Levels, please don't hesitate to comment. ;) I love to hear your inputs.

Speaking of IB, I do have a slight dilemma about my subject choices! =O I'm still juggling with my languages! =O But before that, below is the list of my current choices:
HL English A1
HL Biology
HL Geography
SL Mandarin B
SL Maths
SL Chemistry

N.B. SL means Standard Level while HL means Higher Level. One has to take 3 HL subjects and 3 SL subjects.

I was advised to drop down to SL English as I had not done literature works before. SL English maintains the same calibre as HL English with the exception of the number of books and the strict marking of HL English. Seeing that, I think it will be wiser for me to offer SL English instead as it would be easier for me to obtain a higher aggregate. I think at least 10 books are involved in SL! *gasp* How am I suppose to remember them all?!

On the other hand, I have difficulty choosing Malay, Mandarin, French and Spanish.

1. It's easy for me to score in Malay because I was told that the Malay in IB is simpler than the Malay I am currently doing now in O Levels (yes, the papers I sat were a major killer)! I was really surprised to hear that, but that's good news for me. I'm not so bad in Malay. They told me with my scores, I can easily score a 7 (the highest marks in an IB subject) in it. The thing is, I'm not that into it. It can be really boring at times. =( I don't think my interest in it can be sustained further after my last exam. However, I do not want to lose my grip on Malay either...


2. Ah, Mandarin, my arch-nemesis! I abhored this subject since primary school. Seriously, how complex can a language be? The squiggles, the sheer number of characters you need to know before you can actually read, the "I forgot how to write this word and I'm doomed" scenarios, the way-too-colourful idioms, vocabulary mastery, character mastery... *shudder* It was too much, and I was glad to be transferred to an English-medium school after 6 years of Chinese education. =O It was refreshing to interact with Roman characters!
   
   However, now that I'm older and wiser, I'd love to give my mother tongue another chance. I'm quite embarrassed as a Chinese to be poorly literated in Chinese. I would love to once again reconnect with my Chinese heritage and roots. Because it's my identity and it forms an integral part of who I am. It doesn't matter if I know German, French, Spanish, Japanese, Icelandic etc. if I can't do well in my own mother tongue. If I take up Mandarin again, I'll be doing it out of honour and slight interest. Sure, my fears hold me back but what have I got to lose? I think a two-years refresher's course in Mandarin will do me good. Besides, I can do Mandarin B (I think it will be something like a upper primary school curriculum). To qualify for it, I need 4 to 5 years educational background in Chinese and I already have it.
   
   Relearning the vocabulary is another issue, though. Hehehe! =O *faints*



3. Ah, French and Spanish. Oh, beautiful Romance languages! I love the sounds and the words and how can you not adore the Roman characters? The thing is, I will have difficulty learning these ab initio. As I'm already 4 months behind course, I will have to spend my December holidays trying to suck up everything and get comfortable with the language. It's kind of impossible and it can be a major set-back. I was advised not to do these since they are detrimental to my grades. I could have gotten a 7 in, say, Malay, instead of a 5 in Spanish ab initio. I do however have some basic knowledge in Spanish after a failed attempt in trying to pick it up two years ago. I love European languages!

And I'm at loss at what to do! I was advised to do SL English A1 (first language) and HL Mandarin B instead to maximise my grade potential. After thinking thoroughly, I thought it would be better to do HL Chemistry instead of HL Mandarin (or whatever) since some biochemistry is involved in Biology in university courses. So yeah, maybe that could do.

Guys, what am I supposed to do? Pick up which language? =S My heart tells me to do Mandarin for some strange reasons, but I'm still not too sure. I'm still weighing my options at the moment and I need some opinions on this. =)


----------


Yesterday, I made a starking discovery which I should have known a long time ago. I do actually but I wasn't so aware of it and I eventually forgot about it. I stumbled on the best study method ever. It's called simply sitting on the desk and study!

That's right. It's so simple and I had done that a few years ago by writing my own notes with pen and paper. I then switched to typing out my notes on computer and yeah, it's pretty obvious that my concentration wavered with the 24 hours Internet connection. I always take the opportunity to surf the Internet as I type out notes. I'm surprised at my short-term attention span.

I tried studying on the desk after trying to study on a low sofa, on my bed, on a rotating office chair and on the computer. All failed, except studying at the desk. It was a pleasant experience and change to actually study seriously without distractions. I now realise that sitting by the desk and study is an old but still effective environment to study as it forces me to focus on the book in front of me. Posture is good too. My long legs can comfortably touch the floor. There was minimal backache and sores too.

I was really happy. I have successfully studied 6 chapters (small and digestible ones first) of Biology in just 2 hours. I was shocked but elated. I got to try again today, and tomorrow and throughout the whole week. Or maybe it only works on Biology, my favourite subject. =( I hope not! As you can see from my schedule, the last few exams are hardcore and imminently important because they can make or break my future. =| Or maybe that's just my attitude towards science subjects.

These past few days, I find myself listening to music I've downloaded to my computer. I'm an irregular music listener, but suddenly, I enjoy listening to them everyday especially songs I like and are music to my ears (no pun intended!). =) It's strange. I'm actually listening to some right now, and I'm now riding on a roller coaster of emotions. =S Lol!

[+] There's more!

Oh man, I'm nervous. =( I am going to meet the IB Head later to enquire him about the International Baccalaureate programme. You know all this while, I thought I had no doubts in continuing my education via A Levels, but after discovering the interesting IB programme, I have totally changed my mind. Well, sort of. The meeting later will be something like an enquiry session so that I can know about it.

Nevertheless, I still feel nervous. I'm not comfortable with people asking about my academic and overall performance. It's just so nerve-wrecking. Even though I do have good academic credentials, I sometimes feel that mweh, I don't really deserve it.

I just hope I won't mess up and stutter or whatever. I don't want to mess up my first interview. First impressions are really important... =S What am I saying? This isn't really an interview, it's an "enquiry session". Hopefully, I will come back with an enrolment form and think through about my decisions.

[+] There's more!

1. Chemistry practicals were alright, except for the fact that I deduced the cation in the qualitative analysis section wrongly. And I'm feeling sad about it because I missed out the gas test on ammonia when the result of the test was printed in the paper in front of my very eyes. And I feel upset by it. =(


2. I will make sure I'll study the variations topic thoroughly in Maths 2. I've lost a good sum of marks from questions involving variables. And I'm sad because I am capable of answering correct if only I studied more thoroughly and actually move my lazy bum away from the computer! =(


3. Oh, the Malay papers were absolutely disastrous. My active vocabulary was pretty limited but I was glad to read a Malay novel the day before. I managed to make use of some nifty words I came across. =) I'm afraid my essay went out of topic. =( Paper 2 was alright. However, I disliked the papers this year. It isn't because it was hard, but it was pretty dry and boring. I could not appreciate the literary works of the papers.

So I'm in the middle of a break, and the next paper wouldn't be until the upcoming Monday. 2 subjects completely down, 6 more to go...

Surprisingly, interesting things can actually happen in the midst of exams! =D Yesterday, after reading Tina Su's blog post on meditation, I have decided to give it a try. So I chose a spot on the carpet, sat cross-legged, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I tried to mimic my mom (she meditates during her morning prayers). It went alright until out of the blue, I bursted out laughing. And I laughed really hard! -.-" I have no idea what happened to me and it spoiled everything! =D Nevertheless, I tried again and made sure I fully concentrated on my breathing. Most of the time, I was conscious of my breathing but there were sporadic moments when thoughts hovered for a while.

It was five minutes later when I reopened my eyes, and I felt strangely calm. I wasn't even sure where I was or who I was. It was that refreshing! =O I sat that dumbfounded for a while enjoying the blank sensation (hahaha!) before I got up and went back to work full of vitality.

Well, the positive attitude didn't last long but it was better than nothing. =) I sort of forgot to meditate today, but I'll try to do it tomorrow. I think this will be my new therapy to silence my thoughts. We shall see how it goes. =)

When I got to school later, my friend approached and told me he liked his birthday present. I was so happy because he was the third person to say that, and the two others liked their presents too. I went to cloud nine when he commented that I have the "knack" of knowing the inner desires of people. I was grinning widely and I wished he could say that again and again. He did a few times. Hahaha! I was really happy to hear that. =) By the way, he is the second person to praise my "ability". I'm overjoyed to hear people saying how much they liked their gifts. =)

Later that night, I decided to read a post-apocalypse novel called The Road. It was pretty dull at first to read the similar descriptions. When it came to the middle, I was really shocked at what people will desperately do to survive. I was freaked out when the author introduced cannibalism to the story. There were only a handful of survivors, and a few decided to eat other survivors to survive. I shivered in horror and frowned in disgust. It was immoral and unethical but it's all done in the name of survival. I don't know... =S

The ending wasn't that good. I should have expected that anyway. What could get better after the end of the world? =O I do not enjoy reading stories with a depressing ending. Despite that, it was a pretty good book. Shocking and dreadful, but good nonetheless. I'm still kind of freaked out by the horrid scenes the author had painted.

I slept at 2 a.m. last night as I actually read the entire book in one sitting. It isn't worth reading books till late, especially books that are uneducational! =O I would forgive myself if I was reading Geography instead. I shrugged and went to bed exhausted, but somehow, a bit satisfied.

I had a nightmare this morning. It was a nightmare because a dark side of me was exposed. It had something to do with my neighbours. If you remembered, I stopped playing basketball with them a few months ago. In that dream, my neighbour's upset mother approached me and handed me a piece of paper.

"What is this?" I asked.

"I would like to press charges against you for stopping to entertain my boys. I thought you look like a good guy, so polite and friendly. As it turns out, you're not, you're putting up a show. Deep inside, you're insensitive, cold and heartless," she responded angrily in Chinese.

"WHAT?!"

I was in utter shock because she sued me and decided to take matters to court. Secondly, relationships make and break. I was so taken aback at the severity of emotional pains I had made. It was pretty clear I had somehow strained the ties but I had no idea it was that serious.

And when she said I was a great pretender, it was as if I were slapped in the face.

Insensitive, cold and heartless.

I have a confession to make. *sigh* Despite me being friendly and all, I can be really unsocial, reserved and dark when I'm not in a good mood. Or sometimes even when I'm in a better mood. I don't know why I do that... I tend to do that especially when I go out. There is this unexplained fear of meeting some people I know. It's as if I want to try and hide from them. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I'm being selfish for thinking that, "This is my turf." or "This is the only time I'm out. Go away; I want to be left alone.", especially when I'm alone.

I love to go outdoors myself. It's a time when I can connect with myself and enjoy and appreciate everything. I do not want to accidentally bump into people when I'm doing something no one expects me to, like picking up a romance novel in a bookstore, or browsing through the motivational/self-help section. I do not want acquaintances and friends to know my tastes or what goes on in my life. I just want to do whatever I feel like doing. That's all.

Or sometimes, I just dislike bumping into people I know for no particular reason. I try to hide myself and walk away. And when I dislike someone, I generally try to stay as far away from him as possible so that he will not see my expression. I'm a pretty expressive person, so you can immediately know what goes on inside my head whenever you see me.

I really think there is more to this hidden dark side of mine, but I am unable to completely reason with it. In a way, it's irrational. Am I hiding my vulnerabilities from people? I do tell a few close friends a great deal about myself because I feel safe telling it to them.

I am so confused.

In that dream, I crouched back and looked at her in horror. Her words were like a dagger piercing through my heart. It somehow made a strong impression on me. I withdrew and looked at her in fear. I whimpered. "No, no, no..." And I woke up, my heart beating.

Did my neighbour sue me because I stopped hanging out with him?

I tried to think back. I wasn't able to remember when I last saw him. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was a bad nightmare, albeit a short one. It was time to visit MV Doulos, the floating bookstore (with great bargains!). It is their last day berthing today, and they'll be leaving. I got myself ready and then went to the ship alone.

There were a lot of people on the ship. I was quite taken aback because I do not remember seeing this much people in local bookstores. And the selection of books on board were diverse. I was pleasantly surprised. It was like a mini-Borders bookstore, except it was near home. I grinned broadly and made my way inside. It was stuffy and humid as it was quite hot and the place wasn't air-conditioned. But it was okay because I was blinded by my love for the books on sale.

And were they really affordable! I managed to buy 12 books (books I won't really pick up normally) and they cost me only less than US$100.00. It was a steal! =D I couldn't believe my eyes. I even had to double check the prices to ensure that they don't exceed my small budget. I was happy, because normally, that many books will cost me US$150.00 or more if they were bought locally or in Australia or Singapore. They were really heavy. Oomph!

I missed the opportunity to talk with the crew and staff on board. They seem really friendly and nice. I was kind of timid, shy and scared at the same time. When I got in the car, I kicked myself for missing an incredible opportunity. Oh well! Anyway, I did meet a few interesting people on board. I met the girl who bullied me in kindergarten (I doubt she even remembers me), an ex-classmate and most importantly, a famous local photoblogger!

I was so amazed to see him in person taking macro-shots of merchandises on sale. And he did it in front of me. I was in awe of his photographing skills. I pretended to read the atlas while I stole glances at him. His shots were quick and spontaneous, and he had a pretty good-looking camera! =D I was very tempted to greet him and say, "Hey! I love your blog and your pictures! They are so cool. What an honour to meet you!"

I didn't because I was so scared I'll scare him silly. So I stood a few metres away and watched him, a professional, snapping pictures. I wandered over to another aisle to look at more books. I also do not want to arouse suspicion! =O I was walking when I saw him again taking another picture. I looked at a large-print (like, really large!) children's book while I tried seeing him in action. I laughed at the big text and the cute illustrations. After that, he was gone and I didn't see him anymore, so after some time, I paid for my purchases and went home. I was happy to know that my money was well-spent.

Some of the books I bought were a Sudoku puzzle book, (I wanted to see what the hype was all about), a study guide, a survival book (yes, I was that paranoid after reading the novel! =P Nah, I think it's a handy book) and the complete works of Shakespeare which was only US$11.00! I think being English enthusiast, I should get to know Shakespeare, but when I read a bit, I found the Shakespearean language very confusing! Regardless, what a steal it was! =D

Just now, an uninvited guest (with his wife) came over to my house. They were my ex-crush parents. I groaned. Oh no, what are they doing here so suddenly? I feel uncomfortable around house guests, but to have an uninvited guest show up... It was enough to make me anxious. I was kind of upset that they showed up all of a sudden. I don't know why, but I was so scared they are arranging my marriage with my ex-crush. (Ill! That was so over. =O ) Thank goodness they didn't stay long. I was wondering what their ulterior motive was. According to my dad, they just wanted to catch up. They never even called to let us know they are coming. Oh well!!! I guess this won't be their last visit since they have done that a couple of times already.

It's back to Geography again. Thanks for reading. =) See you guys soon!

[+] There's more!

It's bad enough that this subject is sometimes over my head. It's even worse when you have forgotten the easy concepts you were supposed to know. That was what happened to me yesterday. I lost 3 or 4 marks from the refraction practical question. I thought it would be easy peasy, since we have done a few similar experiments during practical classes before.

I cannot believe I completely dismissed the normal line at the angles of incidence and refraction. Thus, my refraction angle is measured to be higher than the given angle of incidence. Not surprisingly, the refractive index of the glass prism is less than 1. The wise words of my Physics teacher kept on echoing in my brain: "There is no such object in this universe with a refractive index of < 1. If you get that for your practicals, then you are wrong."

I was definitely wrong. I couldn't do anything because my time limit for that question was up, and I had to move to the next experiment. The resistance question was also done rather badly. Apparently, my Physics teacher didn't realise the multimeter wasn't connected properly to the circuit, thus the reading obtained hovers at 2.70V despite the addition of resistors. It wasn't until half an hour of frustration later when I dared to twiddle with the circuit despite being told not to do so. After connecting the loose resistor (with unknown resistace) properly with the multimeter, the potential difference finally fluctuated when resistors were introduced to the circuit.

Somehow, I think everything was messed up. I switched the voltage of the power pack to 4V in order to give a 3V reading (we were told that the voltage would be around 3V, but initially, after fixing the circuit, the voltage dropped to 2.1V). This affected my graph. I was unable to answer the last 2 questions because my graph lines which were concave couldn't be extended low enough to find out the value of a resistor when the voltage is 0.5V. The last question was way out of my league. I couldn't figure a correct way of obtaining the value.

However, I was more (and very!) disappointed with my refraction experiment because I could do it! An easy 3 - 4 marks were lost just like that! Everyone could do that except for me. Woe is me! =( Oh man, there goes my chance of obtaining a hopefully A1 in Physics... =( I think I have to pull my socks up for Papers 1 and 2. It's really stupid. I wished I had studied well in advance on the refraction topic before going in to the laboratory.

One thing's for sure. I will never, ever forget Snell's Law and refraction ever again! I must meditate on this picture day and night, and burn this image into my head so that I will always remember it forever.



Hey, that picture from Google even has the same angle of incidence as my practical paper's! Oh my gosh! So that's the approximate answer. OH MAN! =(

The Computer Studies paper wasn't as bad as I feared, considering the fact that I just skimmed through the textbook the night before. I did do some studying a fortnight before, but that was like a few 15-minute sessions a week. =| I've got the exam jitters right before the exam. Yeah, my best friend was able to spontaneously answer questions my peers bombarded him. His answers were fluent and precise, of course. I freaked out as I thought my rather fragmented knowledge of the subject was good enough but apparently, when compared to his, it wasn't good enough. And I tried in vain to speed-read my textbook and pick up as much information as I can. He thought I remained quiet because I knew all of the answers. No, it was lack of.

Anyway, not long after, we had to go in to the exam class. I was still quite shaken about the practical test just two hours ago and I didn't think I was able to handle the paper well. Thank goodness the paper was "a walk in a park". I never liked to label exam papers as easy because there is this unspoken rule that whenever one says that, one will not do as well due to carelessness. =| Anyway, yes, the questions were alright. I think I will lose quite a number of marks because I wasn't able to answer some questions that correctly. I'm praying for an A1 in that paper, although I don't believe I can do it. =( I didn't exactly approach the paper with confidence.

So much for that. I can finally declare Computer Studies history. I doubt I'll be picking up the subject again for tertiary education. After half a decade of learning such a dry subject (I wished it was more interesting and more "up-to-date" =( ), I think I had had enough. I'll do my learning on the Internet the next time. =D

Anyway, I think these papers were an advance warning to me, because honestly, I have been taking things way too easy. Revisions are sporadic, while play times are frequent. I'm slacking off really badly and at the wrong time. Warrior Princess once said if you're not trying hard, you do not want something hard enough. I guess I'm not wanting good grades badly enough, and that is why I am not trying that hard. I think in a way, it's true.

I think I seriously need to rethink my actions and think of the consequences. But it is so hard to go cold turkey without the PC. =O I really must try. My future is at stake.

P.S. Wikipedia has a pretty good article on refraction if you're interested.

[+] There's more!

Sporadic blogging beckons because it's that time of the month again - examinations! However, this time round, this is a very serious public exam (Cambridge GCE O Levels) which is a stepping stone to tertiary education. In other words, it's not worth screwing it up! =P Unfortunately, my studying odyssey isn't going too great with the sudden introductions of distractions around the house.

So what am I doing besides studying? Recently, I have just discovered Desperate Housewives. Yeap, it's that famous comedy-drama series. I like watching the few episodes of it when I was in Australia last year. It wasn't until now (great timing!) that I have the urge to watch it. I feel kind of embarrassed as a guy that I love that show and am watching it enthusiastically. I have to admit it is pretty addictive! I really love the plots and sub-plots that were woven so perfectly, and how the lives of four women were separate yet linked. Furthermore, it is a good portrayal of life. Love, happiness, fun, deceptions, betrayals, jealousy etc. You can learn a lot from it.

*sigh* And I have finished 3 seasons in a span of a few weeks after buying the DVDs. I can't wait for Season 4! =D I can't believe Star World is still showing Season 3 and Season 4 will not be out anytime soon. =(

I wished I was introduced to American series sooner. Seriously, I cannot believe they are so entertaining. Man, I think I'm weaned from cartoons. Hahaha! =P The next one I'm going to watch is definitely Heroes. A few of my friends have watched it, and they said it was great. I'll buy the DVDs after my exams are over so that I can watch Season 2 in time next year without feeling lost. Yay! I can't wait! =D

I also recently discovered Linux, the free operating system (OS). I have contemplated of upgrading to Windows Vista but after reading horrendous reviews about it only, I then knew Windows XP was so much better. Then comes the serendipity of Linux. I have heard of it before from a geek friend of mine. It wasn't until after some voracious research, I have thought of getting a distro.

I've downloaded Knoppix and I am currently using it via live CD. It has great GUI and it looks pleasingly aesthetic. It's a nice change from the boring XP look. I've enjoyed using it, so much so I'm planning to dual-boot my hard drive with a Linux distro and Windows XP (for my Windows games). More on this later when I have more time to review Linux.

Regarding my Grade 7 piano practical exam, I'm glad to say I passed... barely. I got a 101/150, which is 1 mark more than the mininum passing grade. Honestly, I wish I am happy about it but I'm not. *sigh* The other day, I went out for dinner with the prefects and on my table, the piano examinees were talking about their grades and sharing their experiences with piano.

"Oh, I got borderline merit."

"And I got borderline distinction."

Shut up! I'm so embarrassed to announce my marks. "Eheh, I got a borderline pass?" Yet, my teacher was pretty okay with my performance. My confidence with piano sank down really hard that night, and until today, I am subconciously affected by it. I think I have reached my limit in musicality. I can't get any better. Not with practices that I am reluctant to do. Not surprisingly, I'm not taking Grade 8. And that is my own decision. My fellow music prodigies decided to go for Grade 8, like immediately. I feel like doing a face which says, "Screw you!". I'm sorry to say that, but yes, I feel so inferior compared to these superhumans.

Furthermore, I learned that night that piano teachers are freaky. They hyperventilate and lecture you when you make a mistake during classes and during performances. My friend that day told me that a piano teacher went ballistic because her student did not pass his exams.

CRAZY, I tell you! =O I'm starting to think I'm lucky to have such a nice piano teacher.

Everyone MUST pick up piano. It's the norm, especially in Asia. I took it up when I was young voluntarily. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so doubtful of my own musical abilities now. I'm slowly losing my grip. Is it worth to bother finishing Grade 8? People say I shouldn't stop (at least I know they would say that) since I'm near the top but I think endowing myself as a Grade 8 pianist is like labelling a high school student a university graduate. I'm just not cut for it. I just want to play for fun. Not as a profession. I just wish people around me will understand that. I don't want to quit, but that somehow influences me to.

The topic on music went on for quite some time. It was the worst time of my life. As a musician, I can't connect with other musicians. I think it's a bit tad sad. It is a mistake if you suddenly bring up a topic about piano. I'll shy away and try to change topic. =(

The topic went on to swimming. Okay, it is good. At least it's something I can do adequately and can relate too. It went straight on to competitive swimming. Oh great, here we go again. =S I learnt that swimming coaches can be as crazy as piano teachers. My friend had a coach which made him do drills after drills, after drills. If you fail to turn up for even a day of practice session, they'll decapitate you first before asking questions. You have to breathe swimming, eat swimming, play swimming and sleep swimming! =O

At that moment, I was thinking, what the hell is wrong with society? Nuts, I say! When it comes to competition, everyone is inconsiderate. No excuses, no frills. Just do it. If you can't do it, I'll make you do it.

AHHHH!

Again, I think I'm lucky to have such a nice coach. At least he seems nice...

I have a friend, or rather an academic rival. He is one of the scientific brainiacs in class. It's no surprise since "his mom is a Physics teacher". Guess what? Teachers are surprised when he fails to get 80 and above for Chemistry and Physics. His mom gets disappointed, edgy, frustrated and murderous when he gets bad results, which is pretty good to most people, even me. He feels sad because he is about to get punished.

I'm glad my mom isn't anywhere like that. She loves me for who I am and my current capabilities. =)

Just when you think your are happy with yourself. Then, there are people out there who goes on and on about their disappointment in not achieving perfection. Don't you just wish there was some way to silence their neighing?

I'm a hypocrite. I'm like that too, only at times. Still, there is a limit to it, right? It is one way of improving ourselves by competing. Too much is unhealthy...

*sigh*

I must concentrate on studies first. That is my main priority. I'll worry about piano and swimming and others after exams, when there is plenty of time to do it. Then again, maybe I won't.

I think this blog post has went off tangent. Lol!

[+] There's more!

Beware! This blog post is pretty text-heavy! Images will not accompany the text because I ran out of inspiration! Heehee!

Many pleasant events have taken place during the last few days. I feel really glad to experience them! =) Many of them deal with relationships. I just feel so loved and wanted. I'm really happy! I'm ecstatic to know I have many close friends. No, I don't mean a thousand or a million! =O Sure, I've got probably a few but that's plenty enough for me. Yahoo!

Before I delve into the subject of friendships, do you remember about the piano exam I had the other day? It turns out that it went quite well. It's definitely far from perfect, but I'm slightly optimistic about passing the exam! I'd still say that despite the fact that I had completely messed up my A1 exam piece (I murdered it! =P) due to nerves. *sigh* There were some slips in my scales, again due to nerves and carelessness.

But what I'm quite proud out is my accomplishment of sight-reading rather fluently! =D It's definitely much more easier than the normal practices my teacher drilled me in. There were minimal chords in it. I failed to obey the dynamics and the tempo but it came out decently. I'm really happy with it. And it is the first time I am actually hopeful that my sight-reading section can help pull my marks out. My aural however is a different story. I seriously have unmusical ears! =P I think I flunked my section. In one part of the aural, I was asked to sight-sing. I completely babbled random Do-Re-Mi notes. I wouldn't if the beat wasn't so fast! The examiner had already finished playing while I was still halfway singing in vain. =|

According to a friend, results will be released sometime next week. That's extremely fast and I hope he is really wrong! =P I hope the two years' work pays off. =)

I doubt I was actually concentrating in school that day itself. I spent half the day worrying about my exam while I spent the rest sharing my experience with my friends and simply rejoicing that I survived the ordeal. What an accomplishment! =D I won't be touching the piano for about a fortnight. No more playing the same three songs and scales over and over again. =D It drives me crazy!

That wasn't it on Monday. One of my close friends had a surprise for me - she announced to me that my birthday present was ready and she gave me after school. I was elated even though it was pretty early. Well, she told me it wouldn't be so nice to present me the present on my day itself since I'll be having an oral exam (what a bummer, huh?). I thanked her profusely and gladly accepted it. =)

To be honest, I wasn't thinking about it that much on the way home since I was too busy relieving the experience. However, as I approached home, I began to feel excited about opening the present. No, I wasn't patient enough to wait until my birthday. And why wait? =P Hee hee hee! So I opened. I really like her choice of gifts (note the plural). ;) They are really cute! I placed them in the respective places. However, one thing stood out among the paraphernalia. It wasn't expensive either, but to me, it is priceless.

A message.

Do you have any idea how I longed to get a message, an actual, physical message, from a friend (besides greeting cards)? No one has done that for a long time! I felt terribly touched by what she had written there, about how we became close together and some nice thank-you messages for me. But most importantly, how glad she is to have me as a friend. I could have cried if I were more sensitive. =) I mean, it really means a lot to me to hear that. It just makes me feel warm inside, comforted by the thought that I have a true friend. Well, honestly, I am glad to meet her and befriend her as well. Sure, we may have our differences. She may not be perfect. I'm not too. We overlooked our imperfections and concentrated on the good ones.

I'm so glad to have such a friend. =) Words themselves cannot describe my appreciation. Thank you for the message. It really made my day. And you have made me feel special in your eyes. =)

I will treasure that message in my memory box. Yes, I do have one! There really isn't much inside. It's mostly birthday cards, greetings and photos (which aren't many). Yeah, it's kind of my secret desire to receive meaningful messages from friends once in a while. Okay, it's not on the top of my wishlist. You know what I mean, right? Sometimes, when you're feeling down or bored, you'll just sift through your memory box or messages (or whatever really!) to remind yourself that you are special in someone's eyes. And those are really comforting facts.

Come Tuesday, I wasn't expecting anyone to divulge her secrets to me. I am not as close to this person as other close friends. The day before, I politely asked her for passwords to her secret blog posts in Wordpress since I'm quite "inquisitive" myself. ;) Hahaha! Anyway, I have not got a response from her until Tuesday afternoon (nor do I want to bring up the subject matter). So I went online and managed to catch her. She must be psychic that I wanted the passwords without me saying much except "Hi!". =O Then, I made a small comment regarding her blog posts. And well, I felt joyous to know that I am trustworthy enough to let her confide her secret. (I love secrets!)

She began to talk about her relationship problems with a certain guy. And she thinks it's girl talk. I don't think so! I think guys do talk about relationship problems too. At least I will. ;) So yes, we chatted. It was pretty interesting to listen to her problems. It wasn't so funny actually (well, she and I kept laughing probably because she made it sound quite hilarious). =P It was kind of weird to know that even though I eavesdropped that morning and overheard her best friend hinting on a certain someone. Truthfully, it sounds weird she have been liking that guy for quite a long time. I guess those are what you call secrets.

Pardon me for making a weird analogy to The Sims 2, but after being her listener to her secrets, it sort of boosted our relationship points by a lot. And I mean a lot! I think secrets are built upon a foundation of trust. And maybe as you know more about the person, the trust grows and people will forge really close together. It really reminds me of how I first divulged my crush to a mutual friend. Guess what? We're now really close and it has gone to the extend that I really trust her enough to let her in on this blog. We both now voraciously share secrets. It's really fun. But at the same time, it brings us even more closer together after gaining more understanding of each other. It's funny how secrets shared lead from one thing to another, huh? =)

You know, that next day, she told me that she too keep a secret diary which is shared among herself and her close friend. I was dumbfounded and even more when she told me I have actually seen the book before! It so does not look like a diary! =O So when I saw her this morning writing on it, I smiled. She smiled. We understood. =D It's really cool to know something which no one else knows! Hehehe! I'm sure she will agree when she reads this. =P

Anyway, today I had my oral exam today. English, to be exact. It went well. =) It was like having a tea with friends. Okay, that's a bit exaggerated, but it felt like a casual conversation. I was clearly nervous though. =S It was rather similar to my mock orals I had the other day. I think I owe that success to this blog! Seriously, I learned a lot from here on expressing myself better to people. I find it kind of enjoyable to say personal stuffs to strangers. It's like an amazing feeling! Really, I enjoyed it. The funny thing is that I was talking about this big dilemma which happened just recently when I got such a topic. It was very coincidental. I had no idea how such a confusing situation can serve as a base for my topic! Really! =P

The Malay orals, however, is a completely different story. The topics usually do not touch a personal level. And that is kind of disadvantageous to me, combined with the fact that I have yet to gain fluency in that language. This will come later anyway.

That morning during English, I cannot believe that I was commended on my Commonwealth essay. This is my first time to receive merit for my composition, and I'm terribly happy! I have always wished my Commonwealth essays were given some form of recognition and I finally got one. Yippee! =D Horray! Horray! *does a dance*

Biology today was a pretty sad period. Everyone have just gotten back their Paper 2s, and almost everyone wore a sad look. I wanted to claim half a mark actually due to marking errors but after combining my papers together, it doesn't make any difference to my average. Furthermore, it gives the impression to people that I'm a marks-eating monster who keeps on the lookout for marks. I feel really bad to claim more marks even when I'm the highest. I feel sorry for my friend above who got me the present as she hasn't done as well as she had thought. Furthermore, she has got gastric and I really don't want to further upset her. I shrugged it off since I feel bad whether or not I claim marks. I claimed later when I found out I could get an additional half a mark. This probably will influence my average, but I'm not bothered about recalculating it!

Sometimes, it's not easy to be the top in the class. People feel jealous. Okay, I admit, I feel jealous when my peers, especially my academic rivals, do better than me and I usually vow to get them back. However, my procrastinating habit sets me back and the vicious cycle of jealousy keeps on looping. =( Sometimes, I wish I could just accept the fact I'm never always the best. It would make my life easier a little bit.

During recess, while I was feasting on my beef rendang, something embarrassing happened! I was so freaked out by it. When I was pulling out my handkerchief from my pocket, a lip balm stick flew out and landed on the floor with a "Clink!", right in front of two Year 8 girls. My eyes widened in horror and my heart thumped really fast. I was silently cursing myself for being so careless and with my handkerchief, I quickly hid it and brought it into my pocket rather nonchalantly and continued reading the notice board. It was terribly embarrassing, whoever have heard of a guy carrying a lip stick in his pocket (that was the impression given! =( )? I need it because I have dry lips, but still. I bet they were gossiping next to me while I found a distraction. Why hadn't I go away? =O

Anyway, after school, before my orals, I hung out with a guy friend of mine. I enjoyed talking to him. When I saw him looking at the notice board at the foyer with bored look, I invited him to eat with me in class. So we did, and we were in class alone enjoying our food. I don't really remember what we talked about though. I just enjoyed the moment. You know, I really want to go out and have some fun with him. So I hinted (Lol!) that we eat at a local Japanese restaurant when we have our next orals, since school lets out early due to the Ramadhan fasting month for the Muslims. And he said he will think about it.

After that, we just wandered around the school courtyard since the library was closed. Then we met the examiners and I was kind of scared when I saw one of them was a native speaker. I was kind of afraid I wouldn't be able to understand what he says. I was acting strangely nervous when he spoke to me. Sheesh, the exam has not even started and I already gave a bad impression. =O

So anyway, after chilling out, we went up to the examination hall with the others. The exam started rather early, so before it started, my friend went to look for a toilet to gel his hair. I mean, is that necessary? =P Okay, so we found a small toilet in the top floor and we both went in and he gelled his hair.

"What am I rambling? Why are you telling me such a boring story about you and him?", you may ask. Guys, I know this sounds really, really strange. Should I really go on? I think I better continue the story. So we both went in, and he gelled his hair. My heart pounded as we went in and I began to ramble nonsense and ask stupid questions. Like "I don't know how to gel my hair. How do you gel yours?"

You may think I'm insane and crazy to suddenly be so unlike me. I don't know guys, but I think of this fellow in a ... different way. I don't know why I feel like this. Normally, when I hang out with a bunch of guys, I don't feel giddy and funny. Somehow, I was like that. I really don't know. I'm so confused. No, I don't want to be orientated differently from the rest. It's not doing me any good. I like girls, as you can see from my crushes.

I don't normally get nervous when I talk to him. Maybe a couple of times, I feel strange but it wasn't as bad as just now. It's just ... so wrong, I tell you! He's really ... I don't know. Just catches my fancy. I have no idea why either. It was a pretty awkward moment for me. Oh my gosh, I just don't know!

And he usually copies my homework too!

Am I confusing between friendship and romance? I think I am. Maybe I just want to know him better as a friend. Like be close, but not that close. Or maybe I just want something more than being just close friend, or even a best friend... Hmm...?

NO WAY!!!! =O

Whatever it is, I really hope this feeling will pass. And I have absolutely no intent in telling him this. There is no way I'm going to jeopardise our friendship just because of my confusion. I'll keep it to myself, and with you guys.

This is so confusing and illogical. I wish I could be just like an ordinary teenage boy at times. Sorry if that kind of thing turns you off.

By the way, I just want to apologise for not living up to the purpose of my blog recently. It's just that I'm tired and there really isn't much going on nowadays. Furthermore, I'll be too pooped from a long day at school. I really hope you guys understand. I'm really sorry...

[+] There's more!

2008 ASEAN PRE-UNIVERSITY SCHOLARSHIPS

We refer to your application for the above scholarship and regret to inform you that you have not been successful.

It hit me in the head. My mood instantly shattered, and I could hear in the distance the sound of a door slamming tight shut. The alternative path of my future has suddenly disappeared. I guess I'll be educated locally. I was sort of expecting it, but there was the glimmer of hope inside me when I saw the letter which was addressed to me. At least I did grab hold of the opportunity but I guess I'm not good enough. I can understand why: I did everything last minute, and too undeserving of the scholarship (and I broke a rule).

Wow, this is a major bummer! =( It's like a slap in the face.

From another point of view, this is a wake up call. I guess this is a lesson learned. Hopefully I will learn from it. I thank you guys for the support you gave to me and I am sorry for breaking this bad news to you. =(

On the other hand, wish me luck for the running race later. I am doubting my own abilities; it has been so long since I last exercised consistently.

[+] There's more!

Okay, a few more days before (or rather, a week more if you count the Sciences practical exams) till exams finally break off and I am left on my free will to do anything I want to do! I can't wait!

I have no idea why Saturday's papers are hard/done horribly (it happened last Saturday too). Yesterday I sat for an English comprehension and Geography Paper 2 and that involves a lot of writing! I love the English comprehension as it piqued my interest once again on the famed ghost ship, Mary Celeste by providing another account from a different perspective what actually happened. We did a comprehension of this before in class, but this one is a different one. I was really spooked out when I read the mysterious chilling accounts when the sailors from Dei Gratia hopped aboard to find absolutely nothing and everything in perfect order. The crew on board were gone and there were no traces of them abandoning the ship. So I spent some time yesterday surfing the Internet and trying to get more information about this mysterious disappearance and creep myself out! =P

There is something about true stories like this which always catches my interest when I fear reading them. I will die of curiosity if I don't read them, and once I read them, I will get really spooked out! =O It's funny, huh?

It's a shame that my summary was overwritten by 15 words. I lack the time. Same thing goes to Geography. Boy, the structured questions, a.k.a. "essays", were tough too. I didn't study thoroughly enough for the paper. I feel quite disappointed with myself since the paper was doable despite it being difficult. =(

What's left is the Geography MCQ paper and another paper on Mathematics. There isn't much to study anymore, so I'm going to spend some time to chill, relax and enjoy (although it's a bit too early to do that). I had had enough. Just finish this and kapish! Whatever... =D

I don't remember me being this eager for the end of exams. Sigh~ I'm just not concentrating anymore. I hope that I won't cram from 9pm - 12am for the mocks as well as the real O Levels; it's just isn't worth it, I discovered. =(

On the brighter note, I am taking precautions from falling into the trap by starting off again with my GCE O Level computer coursework since I was brimming with a fresh idea which can be included in the analysis phase of the project. So I went online this morning and yesterday evening trying to understand as much material as possible before I can put them into words. It's so difficult deciphering what I have read but it's totally worth it. I hope my teacher won't reject my idea just because it's far "too advanced" and advises me to exclude it instead. It would really drive me mad!

I am trying to get back in the habit of reading since it's done in an off and on manner these days, and I have a lot of books in my shelf that are yet to be read. =P

I can't wait for June (holidays), but I am afraid too. I think June's the time (or the end of May) when the Singaporean Ministry of Education will send me a response to tell me whether I am successful in my application for the ASEAN Scholarship or not. =S If I am successful, I'll be sitting for a "qualifying" test in early June. Ugh, the future is so uncertain!

[+] There's more!

I'm sick and tired of school. Lately, many of my friends noticed that I have been moody these past few days. I think fatigue and boredom caused it. In other words, the reluctance to pick up my books and study made me worry about how am I supposed to pass my exams with flying colours. It's nearing the middle of the year, and you know what that means. Mid-Year Examinations are just around the corner and it's that period of the year where many dread and wish they never existed.

In Science class, Mr. Z. told us about an experiment where they got this rat or mouse, and they put this rat or mouse on one side of a cage. On the other side of the cage, they put a little piece of food. And this rat or mouse would walk over to the food and eat. Then, they put the rat or mouse back on its original position, and this time, they put electricity all through the floor where the rat or mouse would have to walk to get the piece of food. They did this for a while, and the rat or mouse stopped going to get the food at a certain amount of voltage. Then, they repeated the experiment, but they replaced the food with something that gave the rat or mouse intense pleasure, but I am guessing it is some kind of rat or mouse nip. ...the rat or mouse would put up with a lot more voltage for the pleasure. Even more than for the food. [...]

The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky.

Never in my life have I quoted something direct from a book I have read. Well, let's make this a first. =) It's time to put my reading comprehension to the test; inferring meanings from a passage! =P

What got me thinking was that the mouse was willing to suffer some pain in order to get the food and chomp down his reward. When the obstacle (the increased voltage) got tougher to the extent that it wasn't worth suffering to achieve the same goal, the mouse did not bother getting it after it realised how much more painful it was to step on the high voltage. The food was replaced with something that pleasures the mouse once ingested and look what happened to the mouse! It simply did not care how painful the high-voltage floor was because it knew that it would receive pleasure at the end of the painstaking journey which far compensates the pain.

One thing stands clear in this short passage - the mouse had goals. No, not complicated goals like becoming a SuperMouse or something impossible. It's a simple one, and it was willing to get out of its comfort zone, challenged itself to overcome the obstacles along the way and reaped its well-deserved rewards at the end of it. Simply put: cry first, rejoice later.

Are my goals set above my expectations? Are the obstacles I encounter while studying way out of my league? Or maybe my goals simply do not exist at all. I think that is my main problem. I tried, with limited success, the past few days trying to get my head into studying but my concentration just has to waver after a short few minutes of "intense studying", which shouldn't be called intense. I seem to be so distracted everytime when I study. I think of going online, I think of the immense amounts of homework the teachers suddenly decided to dump onto us, I think of the Macromedia Flash project competition I should try and complete and I think about the competitions I got myself involved in.

Oddly enough, the goals meme I did for myself the other day did not seem to help. In fact, I forgot about it. =( Shouldn't I be more focused on my studies since I have had already predefined my goals?

I am not serious enough. I am not willing to compromise the comforts I am enjoying now for the sake of my studies. I did not prioritise my studies. What's wrong with me? Why have I suddenly take my education lightly? It's not supposed to happen. I am supposed to study and obtain the best possible marks in exam.

No, my parents are in no way pressuring me to get good marks for *cough* them *cough*, in case you are wondering. I consider myself lucky for having such good parents. I'm doing this for my own sake. I won't do this for anyone, except for myself.

Lately, I have begun questioning my study techniques. I know it is such a bad time to question it, but I cannot help but wonder if they are going to help me in the long run.

I "study" by typing out notes for most of my subjects. I try to type out nearly all the chapters. I begin by reading through the textbook and learn the facts which I should know but wasn't covered or little emphasised in class. Once I can make heads and tails of what I have read, I open up my notebook and textbook plus supplements and I begin condensing or "summarising" the information in them into point forms. I try as much as possible not to leave out any information, no matter how minor they seem to be.


These are the notes I created from the chapter of the Urinary System.

Yes, I don't do my notes the way how my study guidebooks recommend. Instead of closing my book and trying to recall by writing down what I have learned, I open my books and copy the important points, trying to put them into my own words as much as possible. I don't pick out some important points and summarise them in as little words as possible. I take the whole big junk of information and just type them out. This makes the last-minute revisions difficult as I have to spend quite a long time trying to leaf through everything and ensuring that in that as short span of time, information can actually seep through my impermeable brain.

No, I don't read my notes until the day before or a couple of days if the subject content is really broad. And I wonder, is it worth spending my time making notes like that, and not reading them consistently?

It is my fault that I make my notes at the last minute (again!). I procrastinated because it's a very time-consuming process, and I loathe time-consuming jobs. So, I just leave everything to the last minute, and then worry about getting it done on time (forget about revising - making notes is a revision in itself, I think).

My situation currently is exactly like the mouse: Big obstacles, same goals but maybe the rewards are greater. Or it makes no difference at all. I totally have no idea. I am very hesitant to improvise my study methods, because I feel that it's a good way of revising. Well, I am speaking from a rather biased point of view, since I never really try out other methods.

Maybe I could join my legions of friends and just read from the textbook but I myself know how much I hate doing it, plus textbooks are infamous for containing large blocks of redundant paragraphs! Hey, 400 pages is no joke. I nearly fainted when katelyn sent me extracts from her piloted Chemistry textbook (thanks again!). Upon further inquiry, I discovered her textbook is twice as thick as mine.

That puts me off. I dislike reading thick books, rather surprising for an avid reader like me. That's why I avoid reading Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. =\ Their thickness just makes me want to wander to the Children Book's section!

The amount of content I have to study for the upcoming Mid-Year Examinations begins from last year until wherever we have covered so far this year. That is like three-quarters of the textbooks! =( The subjects I fear most are Biology, Geography, Computer Studies, Chemistry, Physics... Oh, make them all! =O

I haven't been getting my minimum 8 hours of sleep too nowadays and as a result, I have been getting very cranky. I snapped at my parents and my brother. I wore a gloomy face from the time I woke up to about the second period in school. It was that bad. Today was especially bad. I sulked and snapped at both my parents. I cringed at the noises at home. I'm at a very fragile state now, I could blow up anytime soon.

And what did I study for today (or rather, written notes on)? Enthalpy change. So much for progress for the day. *heaves a heavy sigh*

I don't know what to do with myself. I need to pick myself up by committing myself to my studies. So far, I've seen myself dedicating none of my drop of sweat on my studies. I can't believe there are so many distractions around me, particularly the Internet!

You know guys, for every minute of studying, there will be half an hour of relaxing. I feel so "wasted". *ugh* It's that bad! I catch myself taking opportunities to watch TV, eat as long as I can, use the PC as long as possible - just to escape studying. I know they are temporary measures, that is why I keep taking them. =(

In Geography, we have a vicious cycle of poverty. In me, there is the vicious cycle of procrastinating. In both cases, the victims are the losers, because of "uncontrollable factors".

Have I ever posted such blog posts before? I think I did. Either that, or I have thought of these ever since a long time ago.

I want good results. I want to excel in school. I don't want my tardiness and procrastination habits to drag me down. I believe I have got the potential.

I have set the mood to study. Sadly, I lack the attitude.

I wish I could turn back the clock and begin a fresh start and outlook towards revision. I wish God could grant me 30 hours in a day and bless me with the ability to not sleep, so that I can fully make use of my day. If that happens, would I still stick to my old ways, thinking that, "Oh! It's still a long time before exams loom!"?

I need to be pinpointed my mistakes. I don't know where I have gone wrong. I never feel so wrecked in my life. =(

[+] There's more!

For those who happen to read the previous version of this blog post, I shouldn't have blogged about it so vaguely. I was so worried and overcame with fear by the problem I was facing, and I couldn't put my messy and disorientated thoughts into words. It always happens when I get worried. It took me a while to snap myself back to reality. =(

I would like to retell the last moments of completing the application form for the ASEAN scholarship before mailing it to the Ministry of Education in Singapore. I nearly jeopardised my own future by procrastinating "filling up" the application form, (I cannot believe I procrastinated) and I was rushing to complete everything by today. By hook or by crook I did! Despite a "happy ending", I'm not proud of myself. I hated myself for procrastinating such crucial tasks that makes my future. I nearly break my future. I'm so mad with myself.

I should have written down the CCAs and competitions that I participated in during 2004 - 2006 and handed it to my form teacher who will write a testimony for me (which is required to be attached to the scholarship form) on Thursday. No, I have to surrender to laziness and reluctance in doing it on the same school day as I thought, "Nothing could ever go wrong on Friday - I can pass it to her tomorrow and presto! A testimony on Saturday! Then I can mail it!". =D It sounded like a good plan to me.

So after trying hard to jumpstart my brain and prompt for memories, I finally finished the whole list and I planned to pass it to her at the end of her lesson. The bell rang and off she went in a rush to the staff room and to her car. I tried finding her but I lost her until I realised she must be heading to her car! =O So off I went while I alerted my fellow prefect to stop her car! She wasn't able to, unfortunately.

I quickly ran down and ran with all my might, trying to chase her car when I realised I wasn't a cheetah. I couldn't do anything except to watch helplessly at the disappearing white car. I was panicking by then. My plan "failed" and I hate it when things don't go to my plan! I resorted to asking my form teacher's phone number from a friend.

To cut a long story short, I finally contacted her at around 5 p.m. and she asked me where is my CCAs list. So I explained from A to Z. *phew* Thank goodness she roughly knew what was happening, so she asked me to pass her the list the next morning. At that time, I was worried. What if I wasn't able to finish everything up on time? I didn't want to worry myself on what will happen the next day, so I forgot about it until the next morning.

I passed the list to her and she wrote quite a nice testimonial of my involvement in CCAs. I then got permission from her to use the computer laboratory and type out everything since she was a slow typist herself (she admitted it to my class =P ). I spent roughly 45 minutes to finish everything and let the relevant authorities to sign my CCAs testimonial. Once all was done, I went back to my class, exhausted but gleeful that I could finish it on time (or so I thought)!

Another drama unraveled when I was on my way back home. My mom told me that the courier services are closed on Saturday afternoons. Worries began to haunt my thoughts. How? I was exasperated and acted like a loony out of desperation. I asked my mom whether she could make phone calls to the courier services and enquire for their business hours.

I showered peacefully for 10 minutes assuming that one of the companies are still operating. After stepping out of shower, I was told that UPS will close at 2 p.m. sharp and I had little than 15 minutes to complete everything and to allow ample driving time. I flustered (and how I wished I didn't - adrenaline was already pumping throughout my body!) and quickly retrieved the application form and the CCAs testimonials and quickly enter the more important CCAs into the 'Co-Curricular Activites' field. I did not realised I took part in so many competitions and activites - I was mostly involved with Malay, Computer and English competitions as well as UNSW ICAS competitions. I had no idea how I am going to fit all that in to 10 rows. I had to omit some as there wasn't much choice. There was no time to print out extra rows. I had to even merge some recurrent activities together into one field and wrote a few years under the Year field. =S

I seriously hope I had not done anything wrong. I hope they will overlook the mistakes I made in some records of the 'Level of Participation' field plus the activities weren't "really sorted" in chronological order since I took part in quite a number of activities in successive years. =S

Besides that, I failed to comply an instruction as there wasn't enough time to do that. I will not say which instruction in case the relevant parties stumble into this blog! =O I really hope I will still be considered for the scholarship despite the flaws I made. I should not have done everything at the last minute. I have not even checked whether I filled up all fields or not! *gives an aghast look*

Oh my goodness. I seriously am in big trouble. I honestly do not intend to waste anyone's time (i.e. the teachers) for writing my testimonials due to my procrastination. =( My habit got a little bit too far this time. I nearly cried just now as I was quite certain this scholarship will not be secured since it was nearly 2 p.m. when my mom left to mail the form via UPS which closes at that time.

My mom told me that she had to argue with a UPS employee as there was no flight to Singapore until Tuesday. So that means my application form will fail to reach the Singaporean Ministry of Education on time, and I'll be so doomed! Instant rejection, I can already imagine! =(

Thankfully, my mom was given DHL's telephone number and thank God, the last delivery to the airport was at 3.30 p.m. =D. She quickly filled everything up and the delivery was done by DHL, even though this means my mom has to fork out US$16.00 to pay the delivery charges. I'm rather embarrassed to say this, but money wasn't the issue at the moment, as long as it reaches Singapore safe and sound by Monday, 16th of April 2007!



So far so good, but I pray hard that it will reach there on time. It's been a while since I last prayed... =\

Never again will I ever take deadlines for granted, thinking that "Oh, it can be postponed!". Maybe my school teachers will allow that, but I don't think serious business like this do entertain that. That is why deadlines were established in the first place! I am ashamed of my actions. It brought me considerable trouble, not only to me, but to my mom and teachers.

What more, procrastination nearly ruined my future! =O

What's the story behind the procrastination that sparked this drama I hate to experience again?

My reason sounds rather embarrassing and very illogical. =( I was simply perplexed with the whole CCAs testimonial process. I wasn't quite sure who to turn to, who to ask. In fact, I hate asking these sort of questions. I find it really awkward. To tell you the truth, I strive to not let anyone know that I'm applying for this scholarship, but of course that's kind of impossible.

There are reasons for keeping that as a secret. One is due to my pseudo-kiasuism nature (I do not want people, especially my rivals, to apply for this too once they know I'm applying and make the competition stiff *sigh*) and another reason is because I dislike people questioning why or to know about this. I don't know, I feel really uncomfortable if people know that. I prefer doing things quietly and letting them know when the time is right, whenever it is. At least I can retreat silently if I fail to get it.

They're mostly personal, and maybe a deep-rooted yet non-existent reasons cultivated in my character which drives me to keep my mouth shut and say "Mom's the word". I tried to force myself to tell the relevant parties about it but I just don't know whom to approach. It wasn't until I read Mona Lisa's blog where she stated that she is going to apply for the scholarship as well (Yay?). So I e-mailed her and she replied that I have to get the teachers to write it for me. I'm quite surprised why my school does not keep records like these for the students. Maybe they do, but it's out of the student's limits...

After MUCH hesitation (my heartbeat rate increases when I try to approach my form teacher to ask about this matter, so I never asked =( ), I finally asked my form teacher (well, the deadline was looming closer!) where to obtain it and she said that she has to write it. Everything pretty much went downhill from there.

I know my fears are irrational. Even I myself don't understand what and why I'm worried. If it weren't for them, I would have handed up the application form eons ago!

All in all, I'm glad that everything somehow turned up alright but I know that is no cause for celebration. My application form has to pass the "panel of judges". If it can't, well, that's it. Sayonara to education in Singapore. I guess I can understand why since at the end of the day, it was all my fault for messing things up. *choke* I don't want it to happen, even though I will know it was my procrastination and fear which leads me to my failure. I really did not have to courage to speak out my desires. Maybe due to potential embarrassment, maybe due to fear, maybe I disliked troubling people... =(

I wonder in amazement how I still "did not really learn the lesson" after countless cases of troubles procrastination has led me to. Am I waiting for my procrastination to bring catastrophe into my life and add the prefix in- to my sanity?

Despite all these, I want to be given a chance to go to Singapore to be educated and receive valuable experiences. I hope... I pray... Amen.

[+] There's more!

I do not understand why this feeling must arise at my last high school years. Why must the previous teachers last year resign from the school and abandon us lost, naive students alone at the mercy of incompetent teachers? I do not look forward to self-study sessions but since these circumstances leave me no choice, I guess I have to begin doing so.

I enjoyed doing Chemistry and Malay. Note the past tense. I am very discontent with the way I was taught these two subjects. I begin with Chemistry. Last year, I found the study of Chemistry highly intriguing; the way how n=G/Mr formula works, periodic table, redox reactions, acids and bases, elements and compounds. It was quite fun working these out.

Come this year. When I first knew my Chemistry teacher has been swapped, I could have smacked my hand against my forehead. I learned from comments made by various students that he isn't a very good Chemistry teacher. I shook negative thoughts aside and dismissed them as rumours. I reasoned that the students simply did not pay attention in class, so they are scapegoating the teacher.

Forward a few months, and here I am today, struggling badly to comprehend the complexities of my Chemistry textbook. Bombastic terms like endothermic, exothermic, inert electrode etc. attacked me. It was not too bad at the beginning since the syllabus was rather tame. From electrolysis onwards, everything ran downhill. I cannot understand the logic behind it. The explanation offered by the teacher was too vague.

As my insatiable curiosity at these new knowledge is eating me away, I fired questions that is relevant to the topics and I wasn't looking for an advanced answer. A simple and brief explanation would suffice since knowledge of the topics at a higher-level knowledge isn't required. I feel sad when he wasn't able to answer or he misunderstood my question and rambled random answers. His explanation of "It's very complicated; you don't need to know at this level" is a shoddy excuse, in my honest opinion. It just goes on to prove that he himself do not know the subject matter very well.

There wasn't much I can do. I only sat there and stared in horror at my teacher who quickly resumed his teaching. Putting my trust with that teacher is not a wise move. When that happens, I get angry and rebellious (which I'm normally not) with the teacher. I do not want to say this, but deep down, I feel he is not fit to be a teacher, if even a question like mine baffles him.

To make matters worse, his class is like a zoo gone loose. He cannot control the discipline of the students at all! People talking loudly without being considerate towards other students is a common sight. Many of my friends have begun picking up a novel and read underneath their desks while the lessons are being conducted. I wished I could join them but I forced myself not to and tried in vain to make sense of his disjointed and fragmented explanations. I noticed that some of the questions I asked were important points which need to be addressed to the whole class. He will have "forgotten" if I hadn't raise them. =(

The Chemistry topics I'm at loss now is the calculation of the enthalpy change of endo- and exothermic reactions. The textbook did not elaborate much on this but there are quite a number of questions which prompts this topic. Nothing clicked in my head; I could only stare and stare at the question, half the time wondering what the question meant and how to attempt it.

I have to go online and search for answers. Unfortunately, answers did not came to me. =( I wished going to see him would be a great idea but knowing the blur him, I'm not too sure whether that will be a wise idea. I place my big doubt on his credibility of the subject matter, sorry to say that.

It's a shame to see my Chemistry knowledge to remain stagnant at a Year 10's level. I want to work on it and I am trying to. Reading the textbook does help a lot, but certain topics are still a blur to me.

I used to be doing quite well for Malay. Ever since a primary school Malay teacher began teaching us last year, I wasn't able to see myself demonstrating a higher level of Malay. Through gut feelings, I can in fact see my language level steeply dropping to a level similar to that of a Year 1 student. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but the drastic drop in my Malay fluency cries for urgent remedy and attention.

I'm bored of her lessons. The content that was taught to us was too low for our level standard. Maybe it's good for Year 7, but definitely not for Years 10 and 11. Why did she try to set the bar so low? I definitely wasn't mentally challenged and stimulated. I looked forward to vocabulary drills (fine, maybe I don't, but something similar and less harsher). I was really disappointed when all we did were recaps after recaps of what we did in junior high, and even elementary level! =O It felt like I was pushed down to Year 7!

When the work is not challenging enough and is good only for remedial lessons, I get frustrated and bored easily. I did not even bother reading up Malay novels, which I haven't done so properly for at least a year. I regretted stopping the reading. =( I have to suffer the consequences now. Shoddy essays written with vocabulary matching those of Year 5 or 6 with the essays not properly developed and expounded. This can be shown in my marks which are lower than most students, who usually "performed lower than me" (I know it's not the correct phrase, forgive me for using a bad substitution).

She is becoming worse this year. She wants us to do mind maps! *shriek* Mind maps?! No, definitely not for me. I write points in an organised form, not a forest of facts swarming around in the paper. I was really upset but I did not want to voice out my opinions. I was hoping that would be the last time of doing mind maps, but no! We were even asked to do mind maps of essays to be put on display at our classroom's notice board and the school's notice board. We did one again prior to doing our essay just this morning.

Oh my goodness! =O

Why mind maps? Can't they be made optional prior to writing out an essay? Heck, why do a 150 worded mind maps when a coherent essay can be written for 300+ words. For the sake of O Levels, mind maps are not required. I don't use mind maps at all! At the very least, I note down in point form the points I need to use beforehand, otherwise I write spontaneously. Not do a stupid mind map!

That sent me over the edge. Lessons which bore the hell out of me + doing pointless exercises which in no way do they contribute to refine our Malay = I give up (paying attention in class)! Of course, I slackened. I hate it! I dislike the teaching methods.

I find her "annoying" at times too, especially when she tries to apply "psychology methods" on us. I don't really get what she is trying to achieve here. Is she trying to scare us into doing our work by putting our assignment marks at stake? Maybe it works well on primary kids, but this scare tactic fails to scare many of my classmates. *sigh*

On the other hand, I'm glad that I accepted the Physics teacher as he is. He's not too bad compared to the two aforementioned teachers, even though the lessons may get slightly boring at times. His explanations were quite good though and I think that's enough already.

School suddenly seems unbearable with my dislike of two subjects. I wish I do not blame the teachers for this but I feel that the fault lies with them. Maybe it's my attitude which spurs me to give up my dependency on them (because of bad teaching) and do everything myself independently. Is it wrong to blame the teachers for everything? I don't think it is in my case... =S Maybe I should give them another chance and just accept their way of teaching to save my sanity and my grades...

The impending O Levels is looming closer. Why must this happen at this crucial time? =(

[+] There's more!