I am on the verge of breaking down because heaps of work are pilling up, I'm looking out for excuses to procrastinate, I feel uninspired, I feel demotivated. I feel tired! So tired of school... =(

And homework just keep coming in, like low-energy waves where the swash is stronger than the backwash. My writing skills ironically becomes unpolished and stilted. Writing suddenly doesn't feel natural anymore. It's actually something which I want to take a break from! Oh God, what is becoming of me?

My English essay on A Doll's House is one of the worst essay I have ever crafted. I don't really know how to write a literature essay based on a certain theme. Do I actually have to reread the books (I did) and present my ideas in a chronological idea? I don't think that is how it is supposed to be correctly done.

And I call myself a reader. Shame, shame! =(

And then there are the topics on population in Geography which I am supposed to complete during the December holidays. My notebook is due on Monday, and I have not completed even half of the big assignment. I am so screwed...

And I'm starting to find myself understanding, yet not understanding, concepts in classes. An analogy to describe it is drowning in a sea of knowledge where you immerse yourself with knowledge, yet the more you know, the more you don't seem to know and suddenly, you fail to appreciate them and you suddenly become dumb. Do you get the picture?

Sixth form is dumb. And in those days, I thought it was one of the coolest thing which can happen to me. I never thought it would even be stressful. People think I'm breezing through because I am a boy genius. I am so not a genius. My IQ is just around 120 (according to a Facebook application). And I'm not breezing through, I'm suffering in hell! =( People can't seem to understand the difficulty I'm going through. Heck, I don't even understand myself too. =(

I just want to crawl in a corner and sit there dejectedly and watch as the world unfurls, without giving a damn to anything.

[+] There's more!

I am so tired. I was completing my Chemistry practical report in a sleep-like trance. My mind was completely detached from my body and flew to dreamland. While I was brainstorming for answers, I had subconsciously wrote this down. This will dazzle the scientific community.

... If there is a large excess of zinc, (pause) I will call them for help.

A minute later, I "came back". I reread what I wrote, and I was so shocked at my answer. I couldn't even remember writing that! And call who for help? =S And I laughed!!!

Oh gosh, I'm too tired. My energy is drained out, and I need to complete this Geography presentation due tomorrow. Oh boy...

[+] There's more!

Because gossip kills. Clashing with the wrong crowd is an extremely bad idea. Supporters are victimised. Taunts and threats are dished out; every word voiced inviting trouble.

And the worst thing is, nobody knows the real truth. It is concealed with lies after lies.

I am just glad that I am not involving myself in anything, and that I am staying near the brink of destruction. A silent, solemn observer. It makes me realise that humans can be crueler than the devil. I feel sad because it makes the world a more horrid place to live in. I feel sad because those who are trying to help, end up hurting themselves instead.

Sometimes, it's best to be ignorant and walk away, or flee, from trouble. And that is what I am doing know. It is none of my business.

[+] There's more!

Am I a coward, because I am afraid to be different?

Am I a coward, because I am afraid to make a difference?

Am I useless, because I am unsure where my life is heading to now, when it is clear that everything is going downhill now?

Am I just an empty shell, because I don't know who I am anymore?

[+] There's more!

I was looking forward to a nice Pokemon battle online using my Nintendo DS. Yes, Pokemon Diamond has a Wi-fi feature which enables you to communicate with other international users to trade and battle Pokemon. So here is what happened. This battler, I believe, has cheated by using hacked Pokemon. This PM I sent to the moderator explains my situation.

Hey. I thought it best to let you know about this privately before making a big fuss out of it. I'm so afraid I'm blowing things out of proportion, and that I am a sore, sore loser.

The thing is I'm not. I enjoy battles, I really do! I know a good battle from a very very bad one, and this particular user made me feel inferior. I should have requested him to not use legendaries because I have an issue against them. I didn't, taking for granted that he wouldn't use any.

Well, guess what? He used Ho-Oh, Lugia, Groudon and that blasted Arceus. I don't mind a legendary or two, but I think they are too much. Arceus's not even in my Pokedex Prima Guide for Pete's sake. So I questioned his motives. And he gets defensive, cussing me. I kept quiet and proceeded the battle, even though I had wanted to run.

Suddenly, my router went bonkers. Communication error resulted. And guess what that loser said? I'm a sore loser! I can't believe he jumped to conclusions just like that. He bragged finishing the game in two days. He told me he got the legendaries in a trade. He did say during the chat that he rather use them than his normals because they are weak. I made no comment on that. He then became a sexist by questioning my sex, just because I do not turn on voice chat.

My god, I feel like screwing him. I bet he thinks I'm a wuss, gay etc.

I left the chat. I couldn't take it anymore. My rage boiled inside me, but I just... can't lash out. I feel sooo bad. And this experience has taken the fun out of future battles.

I don't know what to do. I just felt like talking to someone about this. Anyone. My friends won't understand my predicament because they don't play Pokemon.

I blocked the dodo too, in case you're wondering.

I do know it is just a game, and I am getting uptight over it. I think I'm overreacting. But I am seeking for a judgement here. Cheaters really do not deserve to win. They are selfish and mean people and make the lives of the people involved extremely miserable.

I don't like being taken advantage of. It happened while I was in Australia too. I can't believe I have stupidly fell for it. It marred my perfect vacation. =( I guess I will elaborate on that later. I'm too bitter to do anything right now.

2008 is coming up in a few hours time. I am flashbacking to the time when my best friend accidentally stumbled onto this secret blog. I cannot believe time has flew so fast. Where has it all gone? I feel sad because I personally feel I haven't achieved much in 2007. I just hope that next year will be a better year. It's a shame 2007 had to end terribly.

Wait. It didn't quite. I went out on an outing with two of my close friends this afternoon. We had a movie marathon. I think I Am Legend and Alvin and the Chipmunks is a good movie. Seriously, take my word for it! =) However, typical of many apocalypse stories, don't expect their endings to be happy. They aren't. However, for I Am Legend, I think the ending is pretty good for that genre. Alvin and the Chipmunks is really cute! Must watch. I love their songs! And it is so much better than the annoying High School Musical movies. Terrible! =O

Erm, all the best to everyone for 2008. May you all have a good health, good prosperity and good prospects. Take care! See you next year, in 2008.

[+] There's more!

I'm a curiosity at my new school. People have been coming up to me and asking personal questions about me. Who am I? What do I do?

Unfortunately, I have so much difficulty answering their questions. I habour many secrets, most of them which can ruin my life and make me look like a freak. Ever since coming to school, I am a mystery. Who is this strange new guy? What does he do? Why did he opt for the IB program?

However, one particular question has particularly struck me.

What are your hobbies? What are you good at? What do you always do when you get home?

I wish I could run away from those questions. I can't. Never in my life do so many people ask the same questions at the same time. My eyes flicked from one person to another. I portrayed a fearful image. I was hit by a sudden realisation that I don't know what my hobbies really are.

In my Friendster profile and essays, I mentioned that my hobbies are reading and surfing the Internet. However, I know very well those are not exactly true. Internet is more of an addiction than a hobby. Honestly, you don't want to know the sites I visit. Heck, I don't even remember what I surf everyday, besides Hotmail, Gmail, Friendster, Facebook and a few blogs. =( Reading is, at best, done in one stretch followed by a long hiatus from reading. It depends on my mood.

I sound like a hardcore nerd telling people I love reading. The inner me kicked my shins for telling a lie. It isn't a lie, but it isn't completely true either. It depends on the books I read. And I have a funny flaw. I don't remember what I read after a week, unless the book was really good. I don't normally re-read books either. So naturally, I can't go far telling people about a book other than "It's really good, you should read it.". I hope that by doing literature in English and Malay in IB, these will change.

So what else do I do?

Music
Sports
Language
Miscellaneous activities


A. Music

I can't tell them because I'm not proud of the other things I do in life. To put it simply, I suck at them. A persistent activity I kept mentioning in this blog is my musical skills. I wish I could say I was okay at it, but I know that it's far from okay. It's terrible! I'm not musically-inclined either. I don't really listen to music (although nowadays, I'm listening to a few favourite songs), nor talk about music. My life appears to be musically-void. I feel extremely embarrassed to "confess" that I play the piano. In the first few days, I kept my musical "abilities" a secret from peers and teachers.

I fear that I have to perform publicly, especially since I am now a "Grade 8" pianist. Just last lesson, I had wanted to ask my piano teacher, "Honestly, teacher. Am I bad at piano? Because face it, we both know I play terribly. What can I do? I don't think I can do this anymore" I'm not too sure how well I play "well-practiced" pieces. Throughout my entire piano career, all I can remember is my struggles in reading music sheets. My sight-reading skills are as bad as a Grade 3 musician. I can never read notes above ledger lines without counting up or down from a familiar note. I cannot read chords at all without wasting 10 seconds of my life. =S It's ironic that I'm doing Grade 8 musical theory.

My poor sight-reading skills are a big hindrance to my musical abilities. I cannot fully exploit pieces because of my illiteracy. And worse, I'm staying away from new music pieces tailored for Grade 8 students. I think I'm playing Grade 3 pieces at the moment. I don't know. I feel so ashamed of it. I have been learning the piano for a decade and look where I am standing. Still struggling to keep my skills in par with Grade 8 standard. Look at my friends. Just a few years of piano playing, and look where they are! They are performing confidently in public, and they are so happy that they can churn a well-played music in a short span of time.

I lack the dedication to music. Everytime before my piano lessons, I dread of playing my stagnant music and I always am so discouraged to play music. What I hear every time is my music stuttering. It's stupid, I tell you! =( I don't know what to do... I was told to play a variety of music to improve my sight-reading skills, but I kept holding back. I am afraid to make mistakes. I am afraid to hear of my atrocious playing. I am afraid to reading the daunting chords stacked up one upon another. I am afraid of SATB.

I had wanted to give up piano. Because I'm not progressing. I have hit the wall and I can't progress further. And I want to run away from these embarrassment, so that I no longer have to tell people "I play the piano, and I'm in Grade 8" and having to play a poorly-executed song, embarrassing not only them, but myself. And my piano teacher...

In my friend's Friendster profile, another friend was praising her musical abilities. She enjoyed performing for them. And this friend, who no longer goes piano classes, can still play the piano like a professional. And he's a beginner! I admit, I am jealous. Very jealous. And I'm upset. Very upset. Because I don't understand what went wrong with my musical journey.

I'm a disappointment in music. =( I think I'm no longer qualified to play in music.

And I have a crazy dream. Recently, I have been dreaming of playing the violin (or viola). I love the expressive tone of violin, so rich and so melodic. And it's portable too, so that you can hide it in the cupboard. I dream of being a violinist (or violist) in an orchestra, playing the entire The Four Season by Antonio Vivaldi. I dream of getting engrossed in those musical works and hearing the thunderous applauses after the end of this magnum opus.

I have been thinking of picking up the violin, so that I can resurrect the dead musical me, benefiting my piano as well. I know those are just wishful thinking because how can I be dedicated to such an instrument, let alone the piano? I don't want to invest more money into this instrument and not getting anywhere as well. *sigh*

There goes one creative activity for CAS. I doubt music will be a big contributor to my creative hours.


B. Sports

I don't do much sports. As you know, I do swim. Swimming is another activity which I do not mind declaring to people, but is one which I am quite embarrassed about. After taking unnecessary breaks from swimming lessons, I found out that I can longer swim 50 m properly. My front crawl is especially bad. My swimming posture invites plenty of water resistance and hindering my streamlining. So I always return feeling lethargic and wanting to sleep my day away. Swimming lessons are a big energy-drainer. I just don't understand how my strokes are all wrong. Sure, the basic strokes are correct, and I'm getting somewhere, but the physics is wrong. My Taekwondo instructor always told us that by doing sports with the proper and correct technique, one can never get fatigued because those techniques are benefiting our bodies the right way. So something is wrong. I suspected my strength is the limiting factor here.

For a guy, I'm muscleless and puny. I can never lift heavy objects because my biceps and triceps are under-developed. And then, there's those other muscles and all. I just need to work on my strength if I want to be serious about sports. The problem is, I don't know how. =( It's a hindrance to my swimming. Whenever I push the water, I have to expend so much energy until I don't even bother trying to push the water away and propel myself forward. In the end, I'm just executing the stroke for the sake of executing the stroke, not to swim forward faster and more efficiently.

The question of the day is do I do any sports? I was asked that frequently, and my answer is I swim. And that's it. I don't do much sports besides swimming. Basketball is definitely out of the question. Ugly events developed my hatred towards basketball. Never, ever again. And I feel so sad because I only swim, and I sound like a dork saying that I don't do much sports.

I have crazy dreams. I dream of being a professional long-distance runner. I can imagine the announcer enthusiastically saying, "Look at that kid! I have never seen a runner who can maintain his pace and stamina. And look, he's nearing the finishing line and yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have our champion here!" Applauses echo throughout the stadium, and I imagine myself standing at the finishing line staring at disbelief while thinking I did it, I did it! =) On the other hand, I dream of being a marathoner too, running the entire 42 km at a consistent pace together with others who dream to finish the marathon as I do...

But I know those are just wishful thinking because I don't run at all. Not everyday. When I ran the 1.5 km race the other day, I was kind of upset I didn't get the first place. Then again, it's no surprise as I don't even undergo running sessions everyday! I'm really proud of the fact that I still managed to beat many people and the fact that I didn't drop up halfway in the race, like many did. =)

I dream of running like the wind. To run so gracefully and so fluid that it doesn't look like running, but more like a form of beauty. To transform a sport into a form of art. People will stare at me because they are intrigued by the beauty of my run.

I'm crazy for having such extraordinary thoughts which will never happen! Hahaha! =D


C. Language

I take German lessons, as you know. I haven't been going to classes since August because I didn't really have the time to go through my German notes and review for it. Again, this is another proof of lack of dedication. However, interest is still sustained until today. I plan to spend my December holidays catching up on some German as well. In my new school, there is a German in my Maths class. A few days ago, he was reciting to his friends numbers in German.

"Eins, zwei, drei, fier, fuenf..."

I was so tempted to continue it. "Sechs, sieben, acht, neun, zehn, elf, zwoelf, dreizehn, fierzehn, fuenfzehn, sechzehn, siebzehn, achtzehn, neunzehn, zwanzig..." And then telling everyone I am doing German ab initio in my spare time, and communicating with this German dude purely in German. It will be cool to have a "secret language"!

I cannot do that. People will expect me to read German and speak German fluently. I know I'm not expected to do that, but knowing how people will react to language learners, they'll probably ask me anyway. I have to apologize with embarrassment and remind them I am still a learner.

I do some creative writing too. Hahaha, like in English classes?! And the NaNoWriMo I did last year (which has yet to be completed). And this blog too. I can't exactly tell people about this blog and thus, I can't announce that I'm a blogger. I have not blogged in my other site for many months already anyway!


D. Miscellaneous activities

Yes, I watch some television too. Mostly cartoons and some comedy. It's such a childish pastime, but well, I tend to avoid watching drama series. Past experience told me that I'm easily addicted to shows like that! =O

Nowadays, I am still familiarising myself with my new Ubuntu operating system. For one thing, I noticed my Windows XP is lagging really bad ever since installing Ubuntu. I can't think of the reasons behind it, other than Windows XP hating dual-booting with other operating systems. *shrugs*

People, I'm not a nerd. The definition of nerd does not define me. (Okay, after reading that, I think I'm a nerd! O.O) I'm not into the sciences (except Biology but I don't do extra reading during my spare time). But the information I did not disclose gave them such an impression.

I was skeptical about my brother's experience with culture clash in my new school. You know, after transferring to there myself, I am beginning to think he was serious. The people here are so different. More gregarious, more outgoing, more open and more accepting... It's not that it's not good; on the contrary! It is just that after stepping out of a majority-Asian school into a mini-America school, I noticed a stark contrast between these two worlds, and I feel so different. Honestly, I am integrating pretty well into my new school, but I feel that when they begin to approach me and ask me questions about myself, I falter. I suddenly couldn't understand myself. No, not the secrets I blogged here. But more like my very first layer. My basic personality. I feel so lost. I started questioning myself and trying to find my footing.

Never in my life have I felt so lost. When I first came in my former school, people don't ask those questions. They just got to know me gradually, I guess.

I'm so confused. And I'm so bothered by those basic questions which almost everyone can answer them without hesitation.

Who am I? Why do I care so much about what people think of me?

Help... =(

[+] There's more!

1. Chemistry practicals were alright, except for the fact that I deduced the cation in the qualitative analysis section wrongly. And I'm feeling sad about it because I missed out the gas test on ammonia when the result of the test was printed in the paper in front of my very eyes. And I feel upset by it. =(


2. I will make sure I'll study the variations topic thoroughly in Maths 2. I've lost a good sum of marks from questions involving variables. And I'm sad because I am capable of answering correct if only I studied more thoroughly and actually move my lazy bum away from the computer! =(


3. Oh, the Malay papers were absolutely disastrous. My active vocabulary was pretty limited but I was glad to read a Malay novel the day before. I managed to make use of some nifty words I came across. =) I'm afraid my essay went out of topic. =( Paper 2 was alright. However, I disliked the papers this year. It isn't because it was hard, but it was pretty dry and boring. I could not appreciate the literary works of the papers.

So I'm in the middle of a break, and the next paper wouldn't be until the upcoming Monday. 2 subjects completely down, 6 more to go...

Surprisingly, interesting things can actually happen in the midst of exams! =D Yesterday, after reading Tina Su's blog post on meditation, I have decided to give it a try. So I chose a spot on the carpet, sat cross-legged, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I tried to mimic my mom (she meditates during her morning prayers). It went alright until out of the blue, I bursted out laughing. And I laughed really hard! -.-" I have no idea what happened to me and it spoiled everything! =D Nevertheless, I tried again and made sure I fully concentrated on my breathing. Most of the time, I was conscious of my breathing but there were sporadic moments when thoughts hovered for a while.

It was five minutes later when I reopened my eyes, and I felt strangely calm. I wasn't even sure where I was or who I was. It was that refreshing! =O I sat that dumbfounded for a while enjoying the blank sensation (hahaha!) before I got up and went back to work full of vitality.

Well, the positive attitude didn't last long but it was better than nothing. =) I sort of forgot to meditate today, but I'll try to do it tomorrow. I think this will be my new therapy to silence my thoughts. We shall see how it goes. =)

When I got to school later, my friend approached and told me he liked his birthday present. I was so happy because he was the third person to say that, and the two others liked their presents too. I went to cloud nine when he commented that I have the "knack" of knowing the inner desires of people. I was grinning widely and I wished he could say that again and again. He did a few times. Hahaha! I was really happy to hear that. =) By the way, he is the second person to praise my "ability". I'm overjoyed to hear people saying how much they liked their gifts. =)

Later that night, I decided to read a post-apocalypse novel called The Road. It was pretty dull at first to read the similar descriptions. When it came to the middle, I was really shocked at what people will desperately do to survive. I was freaked out when the author introduced cannibalism to the story. There were only a handful of survivors, and a few decided to eat other survivors to survive. I shivered in horror and frowned in disgust. It was immoral and unethical but it's all done in the name of survival. I don't know... =S

The ending wasn't that good. I should have expected that anyway. What could get better after the end of the world? =O I do not enjoy reading stories with a depressing ending. Despite that, it was a pretty good book. Shocking and dreadful, but good nonetheless. I'm still kind of freaked out by the horrid scenes the author had painted.

I slept at 2 a.m. last night as I actually read the entire book in one sitting. It isn't worth reading books till late, especially books that are uneducational! =O I would forgive myself if I was reading Geography instead. I shrugged and went to bed exhausted, but somehow, a bit satisfied.

I had a nightmare this morning. It was a nightmare because a dark side of me was exposed. It had something to do with my neighbours. If you remembered, I stopped playing basketball with them a few months ago. In that dream, my neighbour's upset mother approached me and handed me a piece of paper.

"What is this?" I asked.

"I would like to press charges against you for stopping to entertain my boys. I thought you look like a good guy, so polite and friendly. As it turns out, you're not, you're putting up a show. Deep inside, you're insensitive, cold and heartless," she responded angrily in Chinese.

"WHAT?!"

I was in utter shock because she sued me and decided to take matters to court. Secondly, relationships make and break. I was so taken aback at the severity of emotional pains I had made. It was pretty clear I had somehow strained the ties but I had no idea it was that serious.

And when she said I was a great pretender, it was as if I were slapped in the face.

Insensitive, cold and heartless.

I have a confession to make. *sigh* Despite me being friendly and all, I can be really unsocial, reserved and dark when I'm not in a good mood. Or sometimes even when I'm in a better mood. I don't know why I do that... I tend to do that especially when I go out. There is this unexplained fear of meeting some people I know. It's as if I want to try and hide from them. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I'm being selfish for thinking that, "This is my turf." or "This is the only time I'm out. Go away; I want to be left alone.", especially when I'm alone.

I love to go outdoors myself. It's a time when I can connect with myself and enjoy and appreciate everything. I do not want to accidentally bump into people when I'm doing something no one expects me to, like picking up a romance novel in a bookstore, or browsing through the motivational/self-help section. I do not want acquaintances and friends to know my tastes or what goes on in my life. I just want to do whatever I feel like doing. That's all.

Or sometimes, I just dislike bumping into people I know for no particular reason. I try to hide myself and walk away. And when I dislike someone, I generally try to stay as far away from him as possible so that he will not see my expression. I'm a pretty expressive person, so you can immediately know what goes on inside my head whenever you see me.

I really think there is more to this hidden dark side of mine, but I am unable to completely reason with it. In a way, it's irrational. Am I hiding my vulnerabilities from people? I do tell a few close friends a great deal about myself because I feel safe telling it to them.

I am so confused.

In that dream, I crouched back and looked at her in horror. Her words were like a dagger piercing through my heart. It somehow made a strong impression on me. I withdrew and looked at her in fear. I whimpered. "No, no, no..." And I woke up, my heart beating.

Did my neighbour sue me because I stopped hanging out with him?

I tried to think back. I wasn't able to remember when I last saw him. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was a bad nightmare, albeit a short one. It was time to visit MV Doulos, the floating bookstore (with great bargains!). It is their last day berthing today, and they'll be leaving. I got myself ready and then went to the ship alone.

There were a lot of people on the ship. I was quite taken aback because I do not remember seeing this much people in local bookstores. And the selection of books on board were diverse. I was pleasantly surprised. It was like a mini-Borders bookstore, except it was near home. I grinned broadly and made my way inside. It was stuffy and humid as it was quite hot and the place wasn't air-conditioned. But it was okay because I was blinded by my love for the books on sale.

And were they really affordable! I managed to buy 12 books (books I won't really pick up normally) and they cost me only less than US$100.00. It was a steal! =D I couldn't believe my eyes. I even had to double check the prices to ensure that they don't exceed my small budget. I was happy, because normally, that many books will cost me US$150.00 or more if they were bought locally or in Australia or Singapore. They were really heavy. Oomph!

I missed the opportunity to talk with the crew and staff on board. They seem really friendly and nice. I was kind of timid, shy and scared at the same time. When I got in the car, I kicked myself for missing an incredible opportunity. Oh well! Anyway, I did meet a few interesting people on board. I met the girl who bullied me in kindergarten (I doubt she even remembers me), an ex-classmate and most importantly, a famous local photoblogger!

I was so amazed to see him in person taking macro-shots of merchandises on sale. And he did it in front of me. I was in awe of his photographing skills. I pretended to read the atlas while I stole glances at him. His shots were quick and spontaneous, and he had a pretty good-looking camera! =D I was very tempted to greet him and say, "Hey! I love your blog and your pictures! They are so cool. What an honour to meet you!"

I didn't because I was so scared I'll scare him silly. So I stood a few metres away and watched him, a professional, snapping pictures. I wandered over to another aisle to look at more books. I also do not want to arouse suspicion! =O I was walking when I saw him again taking another picture. I looked at a large-print (like, really large!) children's book while I tried seeing him in action. I laughed at the big text and the cute illustrations. After that, he was gone and I didn't see him anymore, so after some time, I paid for my purchases and went home. I was happy to know that my money was well-spent.

Some of the books I bought were a Sudoku puzzle book, (I wanted to see what the hype was all about), a study guide, a survival book (yes, I was that paranoid after reading the novel! =P Nah, I think it's a handy book) and the complete works of Shakespeare which was only US$11.00! I think being English enthusiast, I should get to know Shakespeare, but when I read a bit, I found the Shakespearean language very confusing! Regardless, what a steal it was! =D

Just now, an uninvited guest (with his wife) came over to my house. They were my ex-crush parents. I groaned. Oh no, what are they doing here so suddenly? I feel uncomfortable around house guests, but to have an uninvited guest show up... It was enough to make me anxious. I was kind of upset that they showed up all of a sudden. I don't know why, but I was so scared they are arranging my marriage with my ex-crush. (Ill! That was so over. =O ) Thank goodness they didn't stay long. I was wondering what their ulterior motive was. According to my dad, they just wanted to catch up. They never even called to let us know they are coming. Oh well!!! I guess this won't be their last visit since they have done that a couple of times already.

It's back to Geography again. Thanks for reading. =) See you guys soon!

[+] There's more!

I have a family. They aren't perfect. Two of my family members have a fiery temperament.

My goodness, how I wish I were more proud and hold grudges against you two. It would make my life so much easier. I have to be such a nice guy. =(

You know what? They are family and I always love them both. Even though they can get on my nerves like once in a while. I can compromise. My mom can. I just wish my elder brother could (maybe he does and I'm not aware of it).

I wish I could write more, but I don't want to backstab my family. Not even here. I am feeling guilty even blogging about this. Man, this sucks! =P

Surprisingly, all is forgiven; grudges are forgotten. A long time ago already, even. The end. =)

EDIT 29 October 2007, 9:07 p.m.: Well, I did blog about it but I have hidden most of the blog post among comment tags. You can still view them, if you know how. =P I am feeling paranoid that one of my family members stumble upon this, and things wouldn't be really pretty. I was tossing and turning on my bed last night thinking of the consequences. Sorry, but I'm feeling a bit paranoid. =S

[+] There's more!

Sporadic blogging beckons because it's that time of the month again - examinations! However, this time round, this is a very serious public exam (Cambridge GCE O Levels) which is a stepping stone to tertiary education. In other words, it's not worth screwing it up! =P Unfortunately, my studying odyssey isn't going too great with the sudden introductions of distractions around the house.

So what am I doing besides studying? Recently, I have just discovered Desperate Housewives. Yeap, it's that famous comedy-drama series. I like watching the few episodes of it when I was in Australia last year. It wasn't until now (great timing!) that I have the urge to watch it. I feel kind of embarrassed as a guy that I love that show and am watching it enthusiastically. I have to admit it is pretty addictive! I really love the plots and sub-plots that were woven so perfectly, and how the lives of four women were separate yet linked. Furthermore, it is a good portrayal of life. Love, happiness, fun, deceptions, betrayals, jealousy etc. You can learn a lot from it.

*sigh* And I have finished 3 seasons in a span of a few weeks after buying the DVDs. I can't wait for Season 4! =D I can't believe Star World is still showing Season 3 and Season 4 will not be out anytime soon. =(

I wished I was introduced to American series sooner. Seriously, I cannot believe they are so entertaining. Man, I think I'm weaned from cartoons. Hahaha! =P The next one I'm going to watch is definitely Heroes. A few of my friends have watched it, and they said it was great. I'll buy the DVDs after my exams are over so that I can watch Season 2 in time next year without feeling lost. Yay! I can't wait! =D

I also recently discovered Linux, the free operating system (OS). I have contemplated of upgrading to Windows Vista but after reading horrendous reviews about it only, I then knew Windows XP was so much better. Then comes the serendipity of Linux. I have heard of it before from a geek friend of mine. It wasn't until after some voracious research, I have thought of getting a distro.

I've downloaded Knoppix and I am currently using it via live CD. It has great GUI and it looks pleasingly aesthetic. It's a nice change from the boring XP look. I've enjoyed using it, so much so I'm planning to dual-boot my hard drive with a Linux distro and Windows XP (for my Windows games). More on this later when I have more time to review Linux.

Regarding my Grade 7 piano practical exam, I'm glad to say I passed... barely. I got a 101/150, which is 1 mark more than the mininum passing grade. Honestly, I wish I am happy about it but I'm not. *sigh* The other day, I went out for dinner with the prefects and on my table, the piano examinees were talking about their grades and sharing their experiences with piano.

"Oh, I got borderline merit."

"And I got borderline distinction."

Shut up! I'm so embarrassed to announce my marks. "Eheh, I got a borderline pass?" Yet, my teacher was pretty okay with my performance. My confidence with piano sank down really hard that night, and until today, I am subconciously affected by it. I think I have reached my limit in musicality. I can't get any better. Not with practices that I am reluctant to do. Not surprisingly, I'm not taking Grade 8. And that is my own decision. My fellow music prodigies decided to go for Grade 8, like immediately. I feel like doing a face which says, "Screw you!". I'm sorry to say that, but yes, I feel so inferior compared to these superhumans.

Furthermore, I learned that night that piano teachers are freaky. They hyperventilate and lecture you when you make a mistake during classes and during performances. My friend that day told me that a piano teacher went ballistic because her student did not pass his exams.

CRAZY, I tell you! =O I'm starting to think I'm lucky to have such a nice piano teacher.

Everyone MUST pick up piano. It's the norm, especially in Asia. I took it up when I was young voluntarily. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so doubtful of my own musical abilities now. I'm slowly losing my grip. Is it worth to bother finishing Grade 8? People say I shouldn't stop (at least I know they would say that) since I'm near the top but I think endowing myself as a Grade 8 pianist is like labelling a high school student a university graduate. I'm just not cut for it. I just want to play for fun. Not as a profession. I just wish people around me will understand that. I don't want to quit, but that somehow influences me to.

The topic on music went on for quite some time. It was the worst time of my life. As a musician, I can't connect with other musicians. I think it's a bit tad sad. It is a mistake if you suddenly bring up a topic about piano. I'll shy away and try to change topic. =(

The topic went on to swimming. Okay, it is good. At least it's something I can do adequately and can relate too. It went straight on to competitive swimming. Oh great, here we go again. =S I learnt that swimming coaches can be as crazy as piano teachers. My friend had a coach which made him do drills after drills, after drills. If you fail to turn up for even a day of practice session, they'll decapitate you first before asking questions. You have to breathe swimming, eat swimming, play swimming and sleep swimming! =O

At that moment, I was thinking, what the hell is wrong with society? Nuts, I say! When it comes to competition, everyone is inconsiderate. No excuses, no frills. Just do it. If you can't do it, I'll make you do it.

AHHHH!

Again, I think I'm lucky to have such a nice coach. At least he seems nice...

I have a friend, or rather an academic rival. He is one of the scientific brainiacs in class. It's no surprise since "his mom is a Physics teacher". Guess what? Teachers are surprised when he fails to get 80 and above for Chemistry and Physics. His mom gets disappointed, edgy, frustrated and murderous when he gets bad results, which is pretty good to most people, even me. He feels sad because he is about to get punished.

I'm glad my mom isn't anywhere like that. She loves me for who I am and my current capabilities. =)

Just when you think your are happy with yourself. Then, there are people out there who goes on and on about their disappointment in not achieving perfection. Don't you just wish there was some way to silence their neighing?

I'm a hypocrite. I'm like that too, only at times. Still, there is a limit to it, right? It is one way of improving ourselves by competing. Too much is unhealthy...

*sigh*

I must concentrate on studies first. That is my main priority. I'll worry about piano and swimming and others after exams, when there is plenty of time to do it. Then again, maybe I won't.

I think this blog post has went off tangent. Lol!

[+] There's more!

I feel physically unhealthy. No, I'm not sick or anything, it's just that I have been lacking exercise for at least a few months. Ever since I have been diagnosed pneumothorax a couple of weeks ago, I haven't been going to swimming lessons. I am already lagging far behind class, especially since my mates have been undergoing intensive training for a swimming competition early this month. I've lost my stamina and my overall physical fitness.

To make matters worse, my brother himself did not even bother turning up for training lessons. He was insistently stubborn after reminding him a couple of times over and over. As a result, he wasn't put in to the competition. Now, I do not dare to show my face in the next class this Sunday as we will both be labelled as lazy. Heck, I don't even know whether we will be re-enrolled as we haven't confirmed our turn-up for this term since we did not go for swimming classes for some time. I can just imagine the angry look on my coach's face and the disappointment for our shoddy performance.

I do have a genuine reason because I was advised to stay out of the pool by the doctor, and furthermore, I had my mocks but somehow, I feel that such excuses cannot be tolerated. It shows that I am not ready to be fully committed to it. The sporadic attendances is a proof of it, plus my absence from the competition. I myself am willing to go for it were I in good shape. My brother just made things worse. Argh, I can't believe he is such a lazy bum (and I mean really lazy)! =( I am seriously annoyed with his lackadaisical attitude!

I wished I did swim a few laps in the stadium pool. However, I really do not want to trouble my driver. It's not only that, I doubt my mom would let me go since "the doctor advised me to stay away from pool for four to six weeks" even thought it's already the seventh/eighth week. Hey, while I was trying to carry my brother's luggage yesterday, my mom scolded me for lifting it. I was already pathetically weak for a guy, and to stop me from exerting my muscles, gosh, I think I could just rot into oblivion! I'm serious. Like how I'm not supposed to carry heavy objects with my left arm since I broke it when I was in Year 2. Come on, my bones have healed already! Will my bones actually crumble into dust due to the weight of the heavy objects? Of course not!

Thanks a lot. I bet my future wife will be stronger than me. I'm such a man! =(

Swim a few laps. If I can actually make a few laps. I hate my inactivity.

Just now, there was a perfect opportunity to get back into shape when after all those months, my neighbour started calling me again to play basketball. I thought it would be great, but after reading a friend's message of whether I used a lip balm or not and my neighbour's unsporting behaviour in basketball, I gave an excuse that I need to complete my homework. I feel really bad rejecting them over and over again, but I was holding back out of fear. =( At least my brother agreed to go.

I tried to distract myself by typing out notes on radioactivity as I was in a mood to study. I quited after five minutes as I scolded myself on missing the opportunity to get back in shape. I cursed and I decided to check out things discreetly. I was let down once again when my neighbour shouted for an uncalled foul, and the siblings then argued among themselves again. I shook my head in pity and just laid down on a bed, thinking how I will survive in the upcoming swimming class, and just feeling bad about myself in keeping unfit all these while.

I don't know why I am so reluctant to exercise. And yet, I want to keep fit. Sometimes I ask myself why am I so lazy and yet wanting to see results? What am I waiting for?

I don't even know why I'm feeling like this. I don't even understand why I have to worry over nothing. *gives a lost look*

[+] There's more!

@ 12.09 pm...

In less than 24 hours, I'll be heading into that claustrophobic exam room and sitting for my piano practical exam. I'm scared; I'm really scared that I get so nervous and jittery, my hands shake and vibrate and I'll mess up my preparation! =( I hate it when that happens. Vibrating hands may be good to produce vibrato in violin, but not in piano! What if I fail, again? No...

I'm beginning to doubt that my 2 hours daily practices are enough. Maybe I need more, like 5 hours. Unfortunately, I know I can't because my attention span cannot stretch so far. And I have the feeling that I'll mess up even more because I get careless and lost in my thoughts. I even get distracted by an hour of playing, let alone five! How much is enough? Am I asking for too much?

I may play well now, but when it comes to the real thing, funny errors and slips will start to pop up. That will then trigger more mistakes and in the end, it'll be one vicious cycle of errors! I just want to do well, that's all. A pass will do and I'll be really happy.

Okay, you know what? I can't stand the wait. All I want is to get over it and play as well as how I practice. That's all it matters. Just play well and get over it. And never again.

*sigh*


Updated: 10:30 pm

Below are the links to my exam pieces:

1. A1 - Allegro, by Handel (Baroque music)


2. B1 - Esquisse, by Gliere (Romantic - Contemporary music)


3. C1 - For Johnny Mehegan, by Leonard Bernstein (21st Century Jazz)

My camera was the mock examiner and surprisingly, I was less nervous than last time, but still nervous. I remembered last time how I quivered when I tried recording my songs. Despite I telling myself there's no one around to watch me, I suddenly feel so self-conscious. I still am, and it isn't a pleasant feeling. But I did it! =D I'm feeling rather optimistic now and I really hope all goes well tomorrow.

Oh, guess what? I just realise you can directly embed videos in blog posts. >.< How nice! I should have made such serendipity earlier. =P

[+] There's more!

I am not doing well these days. =( Things have been going rather downhill lately. The written mocks are a fortnight away and I have yet to begin real, intensive revision. Somehow, I lost the mood to study and to do anything. It is as if I am rebelling against the examinations system when I normally have no qualms about it!

Physically, my body is not cooperating with me. Just when I demand good health while studying. Apparently, I have not taken enough measures to ensure that my physique is in top shape. Last week, our school organised a run. I should have bought a new pair of running shoes; the current pair is too tight for my big feet even though I normally wear size 9.5. My toes had to suffocate and suffer from injuries as they are cramped together in the tight space. As a result, two of my toenails (next to the big toe) are traumatised from the constant impacts of the shoes and they broke. One became detached from the nail bed, and other one bled and later became detached.

I was really shocked to see the throbbing toes and I was, and still am, shocked when I realise I'm going to lose both of them. Just now, I clipped away the entire left toe as it was painful (when coming in contact with the floor, or when I try to bend it). It's bearable but it was starting to bug me. Furthermore, it was already oozing pus (?). So reluctantly, after googling for advices (which weren't helpful), I made the hectic decision of clipping the whole nail to the cuticle. I was frightened by the slight ease of cutting it away without pain. Now, my nail bed is exposed and can any time be invaded by bacteria or fungi. I immediately regretted my decision, and I lamented about my ludicrousness. =(

I'm paranoid that I have cut away the nail root too and I will be stuck without a nail at that toe forever! I look at the now nail-less toe longingly to have the nail back. I feel vulnerable seeing the exposed pinkish nail bed, which looks sensitive. Just great! And it still slightly hurts too when walking, and watery, clear pus still ooze out from within the cuticle. How totally absurd!

I decided to remove the other detached nail too but however, I was pleasantly surprised to see a new, hard nail growing beneath the dead, crusty detached nail. It does not look pretty, but I'm glad that I've already got a new nail there. It must have been growing when that nail was partially broken a few months ago. That surprise finding itself lifted my spirits up a little but there are many factors out there which hampered my satisfaction with life lately.

Missing nails are just a minor concern. My chest throbs with pain whenever I sit, stand, move or lie down. It began rather suddenly yesterday when I came back from school. I was sitting on the sofa about to have my tea when suddenly, my right pectoral muscles began to hurt like hell. I was squirming with pain at the sudden cram. My mother questioned my sudden awkward behaviour. I assured her there was nothing wrong with me, when in reality it was painful! Knowing her, she fiercely makes sure I recover from whatever illnesses and pains by bulk feeding me with health products. I hate it. I do not believe in health products although the company was trustworthy! She also gives all the unneeded attention to me, thinking that I'm incapable of doing "ordinary tasks", and strictly ensures that I'll get my rest in bed.

To make matters worse, the pain increased substantially in the next few minutes and I simply had to tell her about it. I was afraid that it could develop into something rather serious. The timing to have such injuries is bad. Must it happen so close to my mocks?

My pectorals were massaged using an ointment which relieves muscle cramps. Thankfully, the pain subsided, but not a lot. My chest was still painful and memories of a previous experience of this "injury" came flooding back in my memory. I remembered enduring the pain when my parents were not at home. It was assumed that there was bad blood circulation. The symptoms were the same: there was "something" inside the chest that moved slightly whenever I moved, aching my right chest. I don't know how to describe it. If I hadn't remember wrongly, the pain will have subsided in the next couple of days.

And so, my parents once again reinforced the fact that I should not carry heavy things. Hey, I'm a guy and I am already pathetically weak, and you're asking me not to lift things? How was I supposed to build at least "some" muscle? What are they thinking? I'm already soft! Great, thank you!

I know that maybe the way I carried the table yesterday morning may not be right. But must the pain come much later after that? I had the feeling that it has nothing whatsoever to do with the pain.

Oh, I am so confused! I just want the pain to be rid of as soon as possible. It's not nice to breathe shallowly to avoid feeling the pain and having to move in pain constantly.

What more, I'm doing shoddily in school and revision. I do not get organic chemistry, radioactivity and vectors (Mathematics). The last few chapters of the syllabi are ridiculously difficult to comprehend. I seriously question how well I will fare for my mocks. I am going to jeopardise my future applications to sixth form schools if my mocks results are mediocre... =(

I'm procrastinating badly. I'm sick of it. I just want to revise properly this time. I told myself that already, why aren't I fulfilling my own wishes? =(

[+] There's more!

I did not live very happily these past few days. Sure, there are definitely the happy times, but they were overshadowed by rage, fury and disappointment. A few days ago when the school prefects organised a sports event for the student body, an ungrateful wretch made a poignant attack on our efforts. He alleged that the prefects had cheated in an event as he figured the referees who were us played favouritism and declared us the victor. As one of the referees, it was clear that we did not do that and we aren't that desperate to sink so low to help our team. =( How dare he directed such accusations to us! I began to think he had issues against us prefects. To add insult to injury, he threatened that his team will ensure that the prefects will not score a shot in the upcoming basketball game. It's easy for me to shrug it off were it a joke. It was clear that he meant that intently. I shot him a deadly glare when he looked back to his team mates, cursing silently that he will be sorry with what he had just said.

I hate to say this, but at that instant, I developed a strong hatred feeling towards him and his stupid society. His team was actually a "society" (something like a fraternity/sorority?) formed by a couple of students. *rolls eyes* It's pretty ironic how I disliked the society so much as a whole when he slated the prefects. I shouldn't have felt that way. That was pretty low of me.

Many minutes later, the basketball match between the prefects and his society began. It was clear that the other team was trying to play rough to intimidate the prefects. It didn't look friendly to me. Suddenly, in the middle of game play, one of the prefects hit into the person mentioned above and they both succumbed to injury! The egoistic guy had a big cut on his eyebrow and blood was gushing out. Immediately, my guilty conscience was eating my insides. Had my hatred somehow caused the injury? I suddenly felt scared as I did not intend on this to happen. It was so scary it happened not too long after he spilled out his nasty words. =|

I was then subbed in to the game, and the game resumed. I can feel the negative vibes emerging from the other team. I then remembered his words that they are out to get us. Anger began to cloud my thoughts and I wasn't concentrating on the game. I haphazardly chased after the ball with the thought that I will not let the other team get it. That was pretty much impossible because it was obvious that my team mates and I are not seasoned players! I tried my best anyway with my anger fueling my determination. It was not the way it should be. As a result, I wasn't playing my best (since when was I good anyway?).

We lost anyway but we managed to walk away with 2 - 10+ points. Hah! At least we proved that cocky guy wrong. We got 2 shots! We're not as worthless as he thinks. The thing is, I have no idea why I was "quite sensitive" to his comments. It's not like I, or we, have done anything wrong, right? Sometimes, I do tend to wonder whether it is wise to do the right thing while the community has a different negative viewpoint.

Up until today, I still am somewhat affected by his lashes. I know it is insignificant now and I have nothing to do with it, but hearing it first-hand is an entirely different thing. Subconsciously, I probably am taking him rather seriously. I know I am so much better than him in so many ways, yet why must I succumb now and listen to him? I just don't get it! It's affecting my work performance (I have to finish my computer coursework for O Levels this weekend). I am bothered! =(

When my best friend came to console me and warned me that there are more evil people out there who will make biting remarks to me to purposely hurt me, I began to worry. I thought to myself that if I can't handle his comments, what more of other people who may hurl meaner and nastier insults to me?

Yesterday before a dinner for prefects, I was complaining to my maid that I can't find my long-sleeve shirt. I hate myself for being rude to her; I could have just asked her nicely where it is. The worse thing is that I found it on my brother's wardrobe by myself. It was so embarrassing! I was glad she said no more after that. I thank her for it. I should have gone to prepare for dinner earlier.

While I was at dinner, I was trying to get close to a certain prefect I am eying on recently. The way I tried to cross over the boundary of friendship into the unknown is a bit too rushy. So, I covertly followed around her and "annoy" her as much as possible without making it too obvious. After some time, when she is engrossed into the part, I have the feeling that I have been annoying. So I went to another close friend of mine and try to get her attention. I then stopped doing it when I have the feeling I have been a bit too annoying. It happened while I was IM-ing this person just now. I can't believe I can be so annoying at times. I should learn to keep my mouth shut at times!

There is still an issue which bothers me a little. The primary concern now is the computer coursework. I have barely completed 50% of the project, and I have to try and finish everything up by this weekend! I really doubt my abilities now. And yes, last minute rush again. When will I ever learn!

By the way, do anyone of you know something about Microsoft Access functions? I have a problem with it, and I need help on it! =( I have to apologize for blogging less frequently now. I got my hands tied up on my education and especially that computer coursework! =(

[+] There's more!

I woke up a couple of times this morning with my heart pounding pretty fast. At first, I didn't know what happened until visions of my nightmare returned to haunt me. It was really scary, I was so afraid of going back to sleep. No, it isn't one of those nightmares involving ghouls and spectres. It was a robbery happening right in my house! =O

I remembered I was in the living room with my ex-Science teacher. I had no idea why she was there in the first place. Anyway, I was instructed to open the gate for one of my friend's mother as she was coming to get my friend's photographs. I don't know why it happened too. A few minutes passed and a car came up and parked itself in the driveway. I looked out of the curtain and I saw an unfamiliar face of a pretty Malay lady who was donning a local attire. Without pondering much, I went out to have a look and carelessly left the door open.

All of a sudden, one of my mom's colleagues popped out and he and the lady just stomped into the house, pushing aside me. I was in a daze of confusion. My gut instincts began to warn me of an imminent robbery. That was it. Soon, I "saw" (or rather, felt) what was taking place upstairs. The entire house was ransacked and I developed a feeling that the robbers knew what they were after.

I did not know what to do. I was terrified by not only the situation, but also fearing my own safety as well as losing possessions. Till that point, I have never witnessed a real robbery. In the Sims 2 game, robbery had taken place a few times and more often than not, the robber was apprehended. I even thought it was quite funny to see my Sims screaming in hysteria and acting all nervous when the robber was stealing their possessions a few times. Not in my nightmare! I watched helplessly as the robbers cleaned out the entire house, and they made a clean getaway in their car, zooming off into the night.

I realised I was feeling shakey and nervous all the time. When I managed to calm my nerves a little, a voice inside my head told me to check on my ATM card (of all things!). Panicking, I zoomed up the stairs and headed into my bedroom, half wishing that my room was spared. It wasn't. The minute I opened the drawer where I kept my wallet, I couldn't find my wallet. I was infuriating and flabbergasted! I checked the other drawer where I kept the only bank statement I received so far. It was gone as well.

Paranoia began to eat my insides. All the money I have collected and save will be gone before the next day! =( I tried to think of every possibility to save my money and thank goodness I had an idea. To call the bank, of course! Tell the bank that my ATM card was stolen and to request them to deactivate the card. I rushed down and open the telephone directories. I tried to search for "ATM" in vain but I could not find it. My heart sank with dread and before I knew it, I blacked out and I returned to my bed.

I tried to open my eyes and lay there on my bed gasping for oxygen. I can't believe the robbery had petrified me so much! At first, I did not dare to look around my room for fear of encountering the robber. What if it was real? It felt too real! I was dreading that my ATM card had really disappeared. As much as I wanted to check to clear my conscience, I did not want to as I did not want to wake up. I plucked my courage and looked around from after many minutes, scanning everything and also any silhouettes lurking around. Thank goodness I didn't find any. I began to chant prayers to dispel any "energy" or "presence" that might disturb my sleep. I couldn't sleep for some time. I was too engrossed in my thoughts of that robbery.

Why didn't I phone the police? Did nervousness got the better of me? The robbers could have been caught by the police if only I acted faster. Why didn't i? Why had I let the robbers in to my house? I doubted myself and my actions in the dream. It really shows that I have little preparedness in emergencies. I was also thinking of allocating a safe hiding place for my valuables but what if the robbers knew where they were, or if they unknowingly stole the box or whatever that housed my possessions?

It took quite a while to clear my thoughts. I then slipped into slumberland, dreaming about adventures like those in the Twilight Princess game I played recently. I also dreamed about school (oh no!) and another robbery, this time at the ATM machine, although I did not remember much of it.

I'm glad that despite all these nightmares and dreams, I still managed to get a sound sleep after all those nights of sporadic sleeps. I was actually dreading to go to sleep last night as I did not want a poor quality sleep. =S

Why all these dreams? Are they somehow stress-related? I have just realized that most of my dreams these past few days somehow were related to school...

I'm not spending the last week of my school holidays that well too. After a week of playing the Twilight Princess game, I had to go back to work on my holiday assignments, two of which are the major ones which are the O Levels computer coursework and the Flash animation for an upcoming competition. I have done absolutely nothing for the latter. I could not concentrate on working even these two. I totally regretted playing that game, and I wish to regain that lost time. I refuse to believe that the holidays are meant to catch up on schoolwork. I was hoping that I could self-improve myself in vocabulary and maybe revising a little. I could do none of these things! My brain was screaming at me to relax and not do any productive work whereas my conscience said otherwise.

I think I have landed myself in major trouble, for once again leaving everything till the last minute. Congratulations, idiot, you learned nothing after all! I have no idea what causes this. I used to be a pretty ardent workaholic but now, my concentration span could not last 10 minutes before I get distracted again.

I'm lethargic, languid, lazy, lackadaisical, and whatever adjectives starting with "L" which describes my current lethargy. I simply have no mood nowadays to go on doing my assignments or even doing some productive work. Nor do I have to mood to enjoy myself. I don't understand why. It is as if there's something clogging my brain.

I can only do things when I have the mood and the heart to do it. I will not bother trying to do anything when I don't have the mood. *sigh*

I don't know what am I supposed to do now. I have no more choice but to force myself to finish up all my assignments. I am so going to be in deep trouble when school reopens. Oh God, help me! =( All these things are really killing me! I'm so frustrated and disappointed with myself!

[+] There's more!

I spent my whole afternoon and today fiddling with Adobe Photoshop once again trying to manipulate pictures to create vector artworks (see the boy with his head on the sidebar as an example). I initially wanted to toy around with my Sims but I have a sudden urge to produce another vector art. So I did and I created a decent-looking vectorized Beast Boy from Teen Titans. I was pretty satisfied with the outcome and I'm glad I am since I spent the whole afternoon and night yesterday working on him. =D I tried creating an animal vector today but unfortunately, it ended up looking like a golden idol instead of a live mammal with fur! It looked too odd; I gave up halfway and I resorted to reading books instead.

While vectorizing the pictures, I spent many a happy minute zooming in the details of the picture while exploiting the Pen tool to match the shapes and colours of the original. I enjoy myself immensely. Sometimes, my thoughts wander and I ask myself why I am dedicating so much of my time to such an unproductive job? I thought I was being a spoilsport to think like that. Today is a day off from school! So why am I idling my mind to do such a monotonous job, as from other point of views?

I have this odd notion that I have to make sure every inch of my grey matter has to be occupied and stimulated by my hobbies and whatever things I do, else it wouldn't be termed one and I would simply be "wasting my time". Sure, it's good to give my brain a break once in a while after exerting its brainpower and taxing it, but I don't know how much is too little, or too much. The only thing I can feel is that pangs of regret will bubble up from inside me, and to be frank, I don't know what I regret about.

Back to my vectorizing. It's a wonder how I can spend hours upon hours to try and smooth out the art. The funny thing is that the same results can be achieved by other people in a shorter time and usually with a far better outcome. When I think of that, suddenly I don't feel quite good about it. =S It's like as if it's not on par with the majority.

Now wait a minute! Here I am again comparing myself with others. Why do I have to give myself the unneeded stress? I don't recall I being exceptionally good in art! =P Hahahaha! Come to think of it, vectorizing is my "best" art although it's not very impressive. =P Sometimes, I do wonder why I seek the fun of doing it even though it's not mentally stimulating...

On the other hand, my hobbies can actually be quite addictive! Like reading. Nearing the end of my exams, I picked out a book from my shelf of unread books and I started reading. That was when I rediscovered the joys of reading. I just love to immerse myself into the story - into the author's world and let him or her take me on a wonderful journey where my emotions are toyed with. I feel very satisfied if the whole story itself is pretty good as I know it is time well spent. It feels awful to have read a very thick book only to find that the whole book isn't very interesting or a complete flop. I guess that is why I tend to avoid reading books over 300 pages thick. I doubt its quality. =\

Once the story is wrapped up, I can fly into either a bliss of elation or sadness, depending on the mood of the story. In the end though, I always ask myself, "Is it worth my time to spend reading a novel? In what way does it help me?" Sometimes, I do get the moral behind the story but sadly, I've never tried to apply them in my life. I also tend not to remember the knowledge the author has included in the story. Within a few hours time, I would have completely forgotten what I had just read and continue living normally as if the book has played no significance in my life.

I gain nothing much from novels and yet, I still read them. They are highly entertaining, that's for sure. But, what good can I derive out of them? Am I doing something unproductive, or did I spend my time wisely? Even during the holidays when I have nothing better to do but to read and pass time, I asked myself that question.

Internet is starting to take a toll over my life as it completely displace the rest of my hobbies and I find myself doomed to surf the Internet aimlessly. It's like I'm loitering virtually, as a bad, obsessive hobby. It's weird. There isn't anything much I want to specifically see and yet, I'm losing many hours to my compulsive random online surfing.

Many times, my conscience tell me to stop and get back with reality. I can even feel myself physically tired and want to tear away from the screen. Eerily, there's this part of me which encourages me to continue. And continue I did. Is it wrong to do this during the holidays?

What's worse is, even my school work is quite affected by it. The recent exams I had had is a strong evidence of my sacrificing my study time for the sake of going online! And what more, I do not remember what I was surfing at all! I felt so passive, useless and lazy. What was I doing? Why did I do it? Why do I still continue doing it? All these questions are attacking my brain.

Am I suffering from Internet "addiction"? What was once a hobby became something worse?

I certainly hope not. If I really am, I guess I have take measures to stop it once and for all, seeing that it's not healthy in the long run.

......

After typing all these out, I realised one thing. I treat everything I do too seriously. It seems like in whatever I do, I try to get the benefit out from entertainment. I don't know why it is a must for me to do beneficial things. So what is really beneficial for me? For me, it is gaining knowledge. My education. Ensuring that the activities I do somehow exercises my brain so that it will not fall into disuse. Yet, the biggest irony is that I'm not paying as much attention to my studies and my physical health anymore. I haven't been catering my brain by feeding it with knowledge. I have slackened, and...well, frankly, I don't care! =O

Are all these feelings a result of too much play, or too much work? It seems like my equilibrium of work and play has been distorted, and the lever is slumping down to one of the extremes rather steeply.

With that said, philosophy is a subject I don't really enjoy indulging and involving myself in! Philosophy, in this case, is "the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct". Not my own philosophy of living; I do that kind of thinking all the time. =P I seriously dislike delving into this discipline and asking ridiculous questions to get answers that border the level of Socrates (or some other philosopher in history. =S ). That's probably why I have a certain peeve towards people who give you answers that in a way, don't really answer the question and forces the listeners to think instead. I noticed this mainly occuring among the guys and well, it annoys me to a certain extent. I just want a straight answer, not a U-turn answer which ricochets off in a blurred way and doesn't really help.

Thus, logic thinking is a no-no to me. Lol! =D How ironic, don't you think? ;) This, I guess, stimulates my brain a lot and can be "useful" but it's too bad it clashes with my very nature.

Oh great, now I have sucked myself into a vortex of questions. Hoo boy...

Are hobbies and leisure activities good and healthy to pursue (not counting my surfing the Internet as a "obsession" (Is mine that extreme?)?)?

[+] There's more!

Basketball players are selfish, arrogant bastards!

I hated basketball and I always will. No, not because I hate the game. It is the players which make the game seems so barbaric and senseless, with cries of fouls thrown everywhere and hurls of taunts and insults thrown everywhere.

Something happened just now which enrages me. My ball hit a kid's head slightly and I apologized to him for being careless with it. The game proceeded as usual but it looked like my neighbour was fussy about who will have the ball first. He wanted to follow NBA's official rules by shooting for the ball (it's like as if we all want to be NBA players). I think it's unnecessary since after many tries, both the players were unable to shoot the ball into the hoop from the three-point line, so he and my teammate made the decision by playing "O-U-T" and since it failed to be the deciding factor also, they played a game among themselves to see who shoots the ball into the hoop.

Can't they have some bloody sense and settle it by playing "Rock-Paper-Scissors"? This game isn't some official and grand international basketball competition. I see no need to be so fussy, plus it's taking up precious time. I lack the patience too to just wait for these VIPs (or "MVPs" for that matter). *rolls eyes*

After a long time of waiting, the game finally begun. Everything flowed "smoothly" *cough* and as the game proceeds, it stopped temporarily with a goal shot by the other team. Fair enough. It so happened that one of the kids was taking his break by sitting down very near to the basketball hoop stand.

As the ball went into the hoop, my brother ran and caught it directly under the hoop and guess what? One of my blinking idiotic teammate rushed to my brother and push the ball away from my brother's hands. The ball flew up and it made a hard impact on the kid's head!

The kid immediately crouched and covered his head, wincing in pain. At first, I thought he was trying to be funny and gain sympathy from me but as I looked at him still crouching, I realised he wasn't playing around and he was really in pain. Meanwhile, my teammate blamed my brother for catching the ball under the hoop. Naturally, my brother defended himself, since it wasn't his fault! I was staring at the two of them, staring in disbelief how smug some people can really be by putting the blame on someone else as a means of lame defense! =O

My brother and I gathered around him and asked him how he was feeling or not. I cannot believe I refuse to get the message that he's really in pain, yet I kept on asking him whether he is fine or not when my conscience uttered a long "Duh!". I even crouched down and saw him in tears, crying from the pain. I pitied the little boy to have double accidents within an hour; on his head too! =(

As I was trying to attend to him, the rest of the four players have the cheek to continue the game, as if nothing had really happened. Of all the nerve! I called for a time out and my neighbour approached me and asked me for the reason. Isn't it obvious? They continued playing anyway, despite the fact that they know he was in pain.

I tried calling for his brother but I got an unpleasant surprise when he said "Leave him alone.". What an egoistic brother! On the other hand, I told myself maybe it happened most of the time and he will end up feeling okay. The matter is that his head was injured and heaven knows what might happened after the (un-)intentional accident.

It was only after some time later did my neighbour come to the rescue and finally utter wise words. I know nothing about first aid, so he instructed me to massage his head with my palm. I did and he winced in pain of course. That kid later told me to remove my hand as it was painful. So I released my hand while my neighbour told me that maybe I can massage the injured part later when he comes to his senses.

The kid then told my brother and I to let him relax there while we resume the game. I joined in first and suddenly there was a cry of foul (I think) because I joined in the game! I was shocked again! Wasn't I already in the game? My neighbour spoke foolish words, "3 against 2 isn't fair!"

What? Wasn't my brother in this game. I asked him and he shook his head, saying "No" as he stood next to the kid. Sheesh, I can't believe the fear of losing run deep in his vein, just because I am tall! Hello, I have a disadvantage here too: I am not skilled in basketball. In your language: I suck at b-ball! They cancel each other out!

I lost my top at that time. I turned my head and walked away, announcing bitterly that I am going home since I was not needed anymore! Talk about teamwork and sportsmanship! I just realised what true friends they are (yeah right, I knew that a long time ago)! The stupid rascals did not even bother about my leaving.

I don't too.

I was so ready to burst into flames there and then. I tried to suppress it temporarily. As I walked back to my house, I swore and criticised their arrogance and selfishness. Deep inside me, I was hoping they could hear what I said, even though that would only stir up trouble.

And the kid? Forget it! His brother can "nurse" him back.

I was insulted as a bookworm too by them long before this happened since a new friend asked me what sports I "like" as I don't play basketball often. I let that insult slip. I have heard worse insults.

But this...is unforgivable. How can you not get mad at their bratty attitudes?

Such people smear the good name and fun of basketball. They made it into a sport meant for barbarians to play. Tell me, was it wrong of me to "over-react" over someone's injury? Was it wrong of them to not care about an injured player?

I say it again, they are selfish creeps with totally big egos that's just asking to be burst! I am tempted to insult a race and the entire basketball community but nah.

ARRRGGHHHHHH!!!! =(

Forget about neighbourliness! I don't look forward to have another basketball match with them anymore.

[+] There's more!

I do not understand why this feeling must arise at my last high school years. Why must the previous teachers last year resign from the school and abandon us lost, naive students alone at the mercy of incompetent teachers? I do not look forward to self-study sessions but since these circumstances leave me no choice, I guess I have to begin doing so.

I enjoyed doing Chemistry and Malay. Note the past tense. I am very discontent with the way I was taught these two subjects. I begin with Chemistry. Last year, I found the study of Chemistry highly intriguing; the way how n=G/Mr formula works, periodic table, redox reactions, acids and bases, elements and compounds. It was quite fun working these out.

Come this year. When I first knew my Chemistry teacher has been swapped, I could have smacked my hand against my forehead. I learned from comments made by various students that he isn't a very good Chemistry teacher. I shook negative thoughts aside and dismissed them as rumours. I reasoned that the students simply did not pay attention in class, so they are scapegoating the teacher.

Forward a few months, and here I am today, struggling badly to comprehend the complexities of my Chemistry textbook. Bombastic terms like endothermic, exothermic, inert electrode etc. attacked me. It was not too bad at the beginning since the syllabus was rather tame. From electrolysis onwards, everything ran downhill. I cannot understand the logic behind it. The explanation offered by the teacher was too vague.

As my insatiable curiosity at these new knowledge is eating me away, I fired questions that is relevant to the topics and I wasn't looking for an advanced answer. A simple and brief explanation would suffice since knowledge of the topics at a higher-level knowledge isn't required. I feel sad when he wasn't able to answer or he misunderstood my question and rambled random answers. His explanation of "It's very complicated; you don't need to know at this level" is a shoddy excuse, in my honest opinion. It just goes on to prove that he himself do not know the subject matter very well.

There wasn't much I can do. I only sat there and stared in horror at my teacher who quickly resumed his teaching. Putting my trust with that teacher is not a wise move. When that happens, I get angry and rebellious (which I'm normally not) with the teacher. I do not want to say this, but deep down, I feel he is not fit to be a teacher, if even a question like mine baffles him.

To make matters worse, his class is like a zoo gone loose. He cannot control the discipline of the students at all! People talking loudly without being considerate towards other students is a common sight. Many of my friends have begun picking up a novel and read underneath their desks while the lessons are being conducted. I wished I could join them but I forced myself not to and tried in vain to make sense of his disjointed and fragmented explanations. I noticed that some of the questions I asked were important points which need to be addressed to the whole class. He will have "forgotten" if I hadn't raise them. =(

The Chemistry topics I'm at loss now is the calculation of the enthalpy change of endo- and exothermic reactions. The textbook did not elaborate much on this but there are quite a number of questions which prompts this topic. Nothing clicked in my head; I could only stare and stare at the question, half the time wondering what the question meant and how to attempt it.

I have to go online and search for answers. Unfortunately, answers did not came to me. =( I wished going to see him would be a great idea but knowing the blur him, I'm not too sure whether that will be a wise idea. I place my big doubt on his credibility of the subject matter, sorry to say that.

It's a shame to see my Chemistry knowledge to remain stagnant at a Year 10's level. I want to work on it and I am trying to. Reading the textbook does help a lot, but certain topics are still a blur to me.

I used to be doing quite well for Malay. Ever since a primary school Malay teacher began teaching us last year, I wasn't able to see myself demonstrating a higher level of Malay. Through gut feelings, I can in fact see my language level steeply dropping to a level similar to that of a Year 1 student. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but the drastic drop in my Malay fluency cries for urgent remedy and attention.

I'm bored of her lessons. The content that was taught to us was too low for our level standard. Maybe it's good for Year 7, but definitely not for Years 10 and 11. Why did she try to set the bar so low? I definitely wasn't mentally challenged and stimulated. I looked forward to vocabulary drills (fine, maybe I don't, but something similar and less harsher). I was really disappointed when all we did were recaps after recaps of what we did in junior high, and even elementary level! =O It felt like I was pushed down to Year 7!

When the work is not challenging enough and is good only for remedial lessons, I get frustrated and bored easily. I did not even bother reading up Malay novels, which I haven't done so properly for at least a year. I regretted stopping the reading. =( I have to suffer the consequences now. Shoddy essays written with vocabulary matching those of Year 5 or 6 with the essays not properly developed and expounded. This can be shown in my marks which are lower than most students, who usually "performed lower than me" (I know it's not the correct phrase, forgive me for using a bad substitution).

She is becoming worse this year. She wants us to do mind maps! *shriek* Mind maps?! No, definitely not for me. I write points in an organised form, not a forest of facts swarming around in the paper. I was really upset but I did not want to voice out my opinions. I was hoping that would be the last time of doing mind maps, but no! We were even asked to do mind maps of essays to be put on display at our classroom's notice board and the school's notice board. We did one again prior to doing our essay just this morning.

Oh my goodness! =O

Why mind maps? Can't they be made optional prior to writing out an essay? Heck, why do a 150 worded mind maps when a coherent essay can be written for 300+ words. For the sake of O Levels, mind maps are not required. I don't use mind maps at all! At the very least, I note down in point form the points I need to use beforehand, otherwise I write spontaneously. Not do a stupid mind map!

That sent me over the edge. Lessons which bore the hell out of me + doing pointless exercises which in no way do they contribute to refine our Malay = I give up (paying attention in class)! Of course, I slackened. I hate it! I dislike the teaching methods.

I find her "annoying" at times too, especially when she tries to apply "psychology methods" on us. I don't really get what she is trying to achieve here. Is she trying to scare us into doing our work by putting our assignment marks at stake? Maybe it works well on primary kids, but this scare tactic fails to scare many of my classmates. *sigh*

On the other hand, I'm glad that I accepted the Physics teacher as he is. He's not too bad compared to the two aforementioned teachers, even though the lessons may get slightly boring at times. His explanations were quite good though and I think that's enough already.

School suddenly seems unbearable with my dislike of two subjects. I wish I do not blame the teachers for this but I feel that the fault lies with them. Maybe it's my attitude which spurs me to give up my dependency on them (because of bad teaching) and do everything myself independently. Is it wrong to blame the teachers for everything? I don't think it is in my case... =S Maybe I should give them another chance and just accept their way of teaching to save my sanity and my grades...

The impending O Levels is looming closer. Why must this happen at this crucial time? =(

[+] There's more!

For the second time, my work played second fiddle. It was replaced by someone else's work which, in my (biased) opinion, lacks the interest and creativity. I feel that this is unfair on my part. Here I am in the magazine committee contributing virtually nothing to the creation of a mini-magazine (not the prefects' magazine below) and my work goes unappreciated. How? By dragging it to the Recycle Bin icon and replaced with a "professional-looking" cover page.

I know my skills in Adobe Photoshop is not as good as the Prefect Head's skills, but I myself knew that mine wasn't on the border of terror either. We were staying back many days to rush through this magazine as it was to be sent to the printer the next day. With a blur leader heading the committee, I'm not surprised that the sudden urgency of finishing this magazine as the due date approaches suddenly surfaced. The committee members (with one absent) together with the Prefect Head (a.k.a. Boss) put their hands together and made the best effort in finishing the magazine on time.

I requested the Boss that I will do on the cover, and she nodded her head. My colleague and I then brainstormed for ideas (taking nearly an hour) before we got it. I was pleased that the outcome of the brainstorm was an ingenious and nifty-looking front cover, very sure that it would intrigue anyone holding the little magazine on his hand.

I thought the Boss would like it as I felt it was a unique idea. I know you guys are wondering why show it to her instead of the committee leader? He was blur and he did not know what was going on and apparently the Boss adopted the position of the committee leader during that dire situation. In other words, it was understood that the committee leader was "simply there to signify his presence" while all the real managing was done by the Boss. The thing I don't understand was why the leader wasn't lectured by her to get things running! (If I were in his position last year, boy, I would be fried instantly.)

So I explained the conception of the image to her. She nodded her head and moved on to the editor-cum-designer who she taught to use Adobe Illustrator (I don't know whether it was the appropriate program, but it did the trick) and gave in her general input and ideas on the overall magazine design.

She helped to do parts of the magazine while the editor and I were busy twiddling with our respective tasks. The other one went home while the lax leader was frolicking about. Anyway, after some time, after getting some input from the Boss and the other committee members, I finished designing the cover (I thought it looked interesting).

To my utter disbelief, she HATED it! Her stupid critic eye scanned fervently for mistakes in my art, i.e. it looked too "informal" for a magazine, inappropriate photos, bad layout etc. I was slightly peeved off by her critical remarks but I kept my cool as I knew I won't be doing any good. She then apologised and told me that she can't help but be a perfectionist when it comes to art and hence, the need to be critical, further hinting how much better she could do.

Goodness gracious! It's the last moment, sister! There's no more time to be a 'Little Miss Perfectionist'. Wasn't mine at least decent enough to pass off as a front cover for the mini magazine? At it was nearly time for me to go home, I told her that I could redo it and send the file via e-mail or Windows Live Messenger or something. She reminded me that the file would too big and there wouldn't be ample time to send over and her later editing it. I forgot to asked her that I could send the JPEG file but I don't think she'll like it. I even offered to do it myself at home and pass her the file tomorrow. She didn't want that.

I did not relent and asked her whether I can be of anymore assistance to her. I honestly disliked not contributing at least something to the magazine and my front cover wasn't a good enough guarantee as she might create a totally new cover and dispose of mine. She told me that I gave all the helped needed and requested me to go. After few more minutes of persuading for work (I think I was a fool to do that, I don't think anyone asks for that!), she told me to help unplug her pen drive from my workstation.

I took her reactions as her hint and begrudgingly, I left the dark computer laboratory, leaving her alone in her solitude and let the creative juice possess her entire body and create beautiful computer art that even Leonardo da Vinci bows down his head in shame! I'm so sorry, but I offered to redo my work if needed. She stingingly told me not to worry about anything and that she can do it herself. HERSELF! I'm not surprised if she stayed up until 2 a.m. just to finish doing my cover and the whole magazine. I thought she asked for it.

Coming from a pseudo-perfectionist, perfectionists like her drive people insane! I don't get why she could not accept the committee members' imperfect work and maybe help modify their work if she "cannot stand it". I mean, I sacrificed my time just to help create the magazine even though we were in the midst of tests. I sincerely contributed my full attention and interest to create that "crap" and this is what I get in return? Shoving all my work away to make way for the best work just because it's too imperfect? I even got the opinions from my fellow colleagues and they said it was alright (don't know whether it was a white lie or not).

The Boss is also my friend as well, and I know she did not mean to imply this, but she insulted my work in a way. I don't like people insulting my work when I take the trouble to ensure that it is of a good quality and dedicating my time into doing the tasks thoroughly. I don't mind constructive criticisms though, at least I know which areas need to be addressed and improved.

Her actions make it seem the whole magazine thing was a one-man show; she did mostly everything (besides the editor's work). And I feel that my colleagues, including the leader, do not deserve the credits at all, especially me since I did virtually nothing! My work appeared no where in the magazine.

In other words, my work goes unappreciated. I feel that my existence at that day was not needed. I could have stayed at home and do something relaxing or study Chemistry and increase my chances of getting better grades. Unfortunately, I have to do this redundant job!

I wish I could say this is my first time experiencing it, but this is not. In fact last year, the same thing happened. It's like deja vu all over again! Last year, the scenario was this: I procrastinated my presentation during an inter-school visit and in the end did an okay-ish presentation which is decent enough to be presented. Sadly, I was bombarded for doing it at the last minute and from the moment onwards, I hated my other Boss. The "replacement" presentation, on the other hand, was worse than mine! Ohhh! During the inter-school visit, I was anxious and scared to see the replacement, and when everything was over, I felt like punching the Boss's face! He wasted my effort and energy put into my better presentation.

This is so frustrating! I hate these sort of things to happen. Looking at the mini magazine I have on the table now, I am tempted to steal a lighter and burn into ashes, and pound and grind the ashes into bitsy dust which are then sent to the incinerator.

*sigh* Leaders... So hard to please. To make matters worse, some enslave their subjects and subject them under his tyrannical control, and some simply do all the work for their subjects whose existence may very well be eradicated.

P.S. Sorry for the sarcasms in this blog post.

Anyway, to go off topic, I won't be around this weekend as I have to cross the border for an excursion. I'll be back blogging on Monday or Tuesday. *grin*

[+] There's more!