So much things have happened over these past few days. On Monday, my mom and that hypocritical "bossy" friend have annoyed me to a point of no return, and my mood was extremely foul for that entire day. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Anyway, on a happier note, the CAS element of IB has given me a wonderful insight into children. Although I would have been exhausted after a really long day of school, I enjoyed playing with them! Seriously, they are so awesome. I'm quite proud of myself for being involved in their lives and enriching their childhood, especially the autistic kid I'm taking care of. Let's call him Dane. Last Friday, when Dane was going home, her mother confided with me about Dane's sad situation in his school.

As Dane's friend, I noticed that unlike other kids, he is extremely smart and he sees the world in an entirely different perspective compared to other kids. He is naturally inquisitive, and very chatty! =D It wasn't until my crush asked me whether he was a prodigy when his mother told me about Dane's high intelligence. I reflected on her words and realised that he could be one. However, his enthusiasm for knowledge scares off other kids his age, and his mom told me he was always bullied in school.

I flashed back and remembered the time when Dane told me he was bullied in his school. I didn't think too much about it (stupid me!) because I thought maybe his friends were just having a day of fun. I was a bit concerned, but I didn't raise that concern to his mom. Oh man, I am mad with myself for keeping quiet! >.<

Anyway, his mom on Friday confirmed that it is a recurring problem. Dane has no real friends in school at all, and I thought, how can children be so cruel to someone who is different? =( He did have a friend once, but he has since moved to our school. So his mom began to thank me for taking good care of Dane, because I was not only helping him to overcome his autism, I was also his only friend. I was in shock, because I thought Dane has a few friends in school.

She then told me that Dane was struggling in school. I looked at her with wide eyes and questioned that possibility. I mean, he was a very bright and chatty fellow when we were playing together in my school playground. From the way he spoke, he obviously was very intelligent. And I came to learn a shocking truth.

When Dane is "overwhelmed" (I forgot her exact words), his brain begins to shut down, and he is unable to complete his schoolwork for the whole day. And he will begin to act strangely and misbehave. And his teachers did not know how to deal with him. My interpretation is he was even ignored by his teachers, because they didn't know how to deal with him. I was steaming! How can they NOT KNOW how to handle him? They can't just ignore him, because his problems won't go away. She told me that out of 5 school days, he can only concentrate in school for 2 days. The rest... well, wasn't really productive.

I can't imagine the situation, because so far, Dane is just like any other nice kid, if you discount his peculiarities (which I really don't find peculiar at all). Off the top of my head, I can list some. As the playground is fenced, whenever the bouncy ball goes outside the playground, he begins to get uncomfortable and he requested me to bring the ball back in. And then, whenever he plays with the ball, he talks to the ball, asking it to come back. Despite my encouragement, he doesn't want to try the monkey bars. And of course, he doesn't make eye contact whenever he talks. His eyes wander everywhere but my eyes.

And I'm not really bothered by those, actually. If I didn't know he is autistic, I could have mistaken him as an ordinary, bright kid.

Anyway, I probably couldn't understand the difficulties the teachers faced as well when dealing with Dane as he wasn't in his best, and I haven't seen him at his worse time too. So erm, yeah...

You know, when Dane's mother mentioned that I'm his only true friend, I cannot help but feel really happy and important too. I have never felt important before, and I was really touched by her words and Dane's sincerity whenever we meet and have fun. I mean, I never imagined myself to be important in anyone's life at all! I'm like, wow! =O =D It makes me really happy, because I have at least a real purpose to exist. To make someone's life better. =)

Making a difference. I like it... Wow!

Man, I so love Dane! =D


On another matter, I feel as days pass by, I am getting closer and closer to this wonderful girl who is my close friend in school. Let's call her Miss Klutzy! ;) Yeap, I really like Miss Klutzy. Like on Monday when I got angry with my mom, she calmed me down by saying that my mom was looking out for me, and she was just doing her job. And I'm like, why am I so blinded by anger as to not see more than just the nagging? She's sincere, she's nice, she's pretty, she's awkward and she is so far from the woman of my dreams. But her personality, oh my, I fell in love with it! So full of love and happiness. And for a few days when we chatted online, we found out that we have a lot of common in our teenage angsts. The thing being she experienced it first because she is about 2 years my senior.

At first, her age kind of bothered me. I always thought a couple is an older man with a younger woman (to compensate men's late maturity =P). As time passes, it didn't bother me anymore because love knows no boundaries. LOL! I just hope that somehow, we will be more than just friends. But I'm keeping things slow for now. I don't want to set myself up for another disappointment, yet!

I have to stop here. It's getting late, and I have not finished my Theory of Knowledge assignment on writing a Maths poetry. Maths isn't my strong calibre, and I have zero interest in Maths. Not to mention our current Maths substitute teacher is bad beyond bad. I start to despise Maths now. I want our Maths teacher back. Never mind that she have just given birth! =P Hahaha!


Anyway, Model United Nations conference is coming up this weekend. I am extremely excited! =D I have prepared everything except tackling the flaws in my resolution, writing a speech supporting my resolution and printing out my online resources. I can't wait! However, I have difficulty countering points of information people shoot me. And I fear them because I always give illogical answers. I always answer in broken English because of my nervousness. *embarrassed* And thanks to nervousness, my brain conveniently decides to shut down, and I start to lose control. =( And the last time I participated in this, participants have been extremely mean and hypercritical. It was so depressing, because they don't even give a newcomer a chance to recuperate. =S

[+] There's more!

Because gossip kills. Clashing with the wrong crowd is an extremely bad idea. Supporters are victimised. Taunts and threats are dished out; every word voiced inviting trouble.

And the worst thing is, nobody knows the real truth. It is concealed with lies after lies.

I am just glad that I am not involving myself in anything, and that I am staying near the brink of destruction. A silent, solemn observer. It makes me realise that humans can be crueler than the devil. I feel sad because it makes the world a more horrid place to live in. I feel sad because those who are trying to help, end up hurting themselves instead.

Sometimes, it's best to be ignorant and walk away, or flee, from trouble. And that is what I am doing know. It is none of my business.

[+] There's more!

The school prom was held a few days ago. I was there, hoping that I will have a slim chance to know Mona Lisa better and get to dance with her. Unfortunately, it wasn't the perfect scene I envisioned after reading all those romance novels, i.e. Nicholas Sparks's =). On the contrary, I would say it was a total disaster! =(

I scored when I found an empty seat next to her. The table was mostly unoccupied anyway. It started off well. So we made small chit-chats and all to build up the hype that was to follow soon. =P Obviously, I can't immediately throw an engagement and propose, right? Okay, I think that is a bit over-exaggerated! The time seems to drag along. The fact that I have a Maths test the next day did not help much either. I was constantly worrying about logarithms, binomial expansions and topics that I would have covered had I not dropped Additional Maths, or came to my new school at the start of the semester.

There was a scrumptious buffet after that. The food was pretty good, which I expected since well, we are dining in the 5-star hotel. I did not manage to gobble a lot of the food as I was kind of bloated. And I was really looking forward to a slow dance with her too. Unfortunately, as the hours wore on, the idea never really materialised. I was crushed when I missed out the few opportunities, and I realised too late that it will never happen. Yeah, I did ask her for a dance at one point. Too bad we are both bad dancers. We left the dancing floor not too long after. We tried again later, but this time, we're dancing with a group of friends. She didn't seem to want to dance with me anymore.

As time goes by, the whole prom thing was getting tiring, repetitive and boring. There isn't much to do besides eating and dancing. It was boring. Nothing spectacular happened there. I knew it. I shouldn't have purchased a ticket. Social events like this always bore me, and I have no idea why. Sure, I was happy to see my friends having the time of their lives. I enjoyed it too, but pretty soon, everything seemed pretty pointless. =S

On the other hand, another drama unfurls somewhere outside the beach. It was nearing 10, and I did not have much time left. School was a killjoy. I wished I could stay a bit later and spend some more time with her, since it's probably the last time I will see her. You know, I was planning in my head to tell her of my feelings before we never see each other again. To come in, and then walk out. That sounds incredibly unfair and selfish but I really don't know what else to do. I just need to tell her.

So, I spent quite some time trying to look for her by the beach (the hotel is by the seashore). I tried to call her and text her with my new mobile phone. She picked up the phone the first time, but surprisingly, she didn't answer my text messages or my calls. I looked around the hotel grounds in vain. I was exhausted but I kept on looking, the urge to tell her was pressing. I finally found her sitting at the bench with some of her guy friends and having a great time. I was confused and lost. I did not know what to feel. There was relief, there was anger, there was despair, there was sadness and there was jealousy. =(

I approached her, and she nonchalantly said, "There you are!". I was baffled and asked her why she didn't answer my calls. She told me that she could not hear it. I was surprised, because how could she hear the first time. Was she snubbing me? It was hard to tell. I could feel my chances of success had suddenly slimmed. I politely asked her to walk with me in front of those guys (whom I instinctively disliked, not because they were hanging out with her). Sheesh, those guys can seriously ruin intimate moments. -.-" I can't believe they HAD TO FOLLOW her around wherever she goes with me. Damn. I felt like a pathetic lover.

I kept making small talks which slowly escalated to that "something big". Tonight, I thought, I will confess my feelings for her. Time flew by incredibly fast, and my mom was about to fetch me soon. We walked around, ended in deadends, and had to retrace our steps, with those goons following behind us. And she seemed to enjoy their lame and pathetic jokes. Come on! Aren't you getting my hints? Are you really that dense? Doesn't walking together, alone, doesn't mean something to you?

I actually had to drag her away. I had to stride quickly, hoping she was keeping up with me and lose those guys. When they were far back behind, I told her my feelings. It came out wrong. I instead asked her, "Hey Mona Lisa. [pause] Do you, erm, [pause] like me?"

"As a friend?"

"Yeah..."

"Of course."

"Erm, [pause] as something more? More than just friends?" I finally stuttered.

"No, sorry."

I was crushed. That was not turning out well at all. I gave the impression that I was rude, inconsiderate, and desperate for love. That wasn't the impression I want to portray. It was so wrong! How much worse can it go?

I hung my face low. I was not only disappointed, I also felt like a failure and a loser. There goes another crush who doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Why do I fall into the vortex of romance so easily? =( After a year and a half of liking her and really falling hard for her, this was how I was rewarded? Okay, you may think I am out of my mind and being overly optimistic, but I was secretly hoping to share my first kiss with her. At the beach under the beautiful moonlight, while the waves softly caress the beach. Happening at my favourite spot and fulfilling a crazy desire. Just the two of us.

Not surprisingly, that never happened at all. Man, I would be slapped if I got fresh with her like that after telling me she has no feelings for me at all. Nada. Zilch. I would also be labeled as a number one jerk too.

She explained that she wanted to concentrate on her studies. Her studies! =O I mean, gosh, we're not studying now (at least, she's not studying now) and she's already talking about the future? To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure myself how to go on with the relationship had she admitted she liked me. I don't think I am able to commit myself fully to her. Despite reading romance, I don't know how to progress from that point of "confession".

I think our love, should it happen, will be ephemeral. Our feelings will have dissolved by the end of next year. Because I won't be seeing her again.

In the end, logic prevailed. My emotions were too numb to guide me. I accepted the fact that she did not like me that way. Maybe she knows it was not good for either of us. I don't know. I feel so confused reflecting back that night. I don't think I will visit that hotel for a long time. Bad memories are now associated with it.

I told her that she was a special girl, without really stating the reason why. I'm not too sure what made her so attractive. Maybe it was her beauty. Maybe it was her voice. Maybe it was her kindness and grace. Maybe it was her being understanding. And she told me someone actually complimented her that way too. I didn't want to ask anymore questions. And I start to wonder what chances have I already got. As far as I am concerned, I don't think any special relationship is meant to happen anymore.

After that night, however, I'm not so sure anymore.

Right after our walk, we both went back into our own worlds. Friends greeted us and all (thank goodness they did not make any comments) and we went back into our own worlds. I quickly got out of mine while waiting for her to wrap things up before she walked me back to the lobby of the hotel. You know, I can't believe she forgot that I was there so quickly in a short span of time. Shouldn't she excuse herself from them so that she can go up with me? Or am I just a selfish jerk who seeks attention from the girl he fancies?

I gave her a friendly hug at the lobby, thanking her for a great time. I then headed for my car. I was hoping that when I turned back, she will still be there looking forlornly at me and smile for the last time. My Hollywood scene did not happen. When I turned back, she was gone. My smile evaporated. Sighing, I greeted my mom and left the place.

You know, while we were talking, she was asking me whether we can still be friends. Just like all the other girls. I gave her a positive response. I had a nagging feeling that this will be our last time together. Friendship seemed impossible.

Just now, I went to her blog and found a few pictures of her with a few guys. One of them was my best friend. I couldn't bear to see their faces and her together. I suddenly realised that I was still not over her! I also realised that my feelings for her was in vain. She never considered me to be that special. She never even asked to take a picture with me.

I was simply an acquaintance, nothing more. I freaked.

I'm walking out of her life, never returning again. I think it is best for me, and for her. A relationship is not meant to happen, I guess.

I guess this shows how faithful I am. =( I'm really worried...

I'm sorry... =(

But, I appreciate your honesty. It really showed me where we stood in the relationship. I respect your feelings. I know too well that for any relationship to work, feelings and love have to be reciprocated. However, thank you. You have made life sweeter and more interesting for me. All the best in everything. Till we meet again, if ever...

[+] There's more!

It's over! =D

I am still in shock. I have been looking forward to this day for a long time, and now that it is here, I am stunned to face reality. O Levels are over and I am hereby released as a free man. I am no longer imprisoned by dark, bleary days of poring over my notes. I am set free and there is no stopping me! =D

I'm so happy and relieved, I don't think anything can ruin my mood! =D I'm super duper happy! Yes! Yes! *jumps in joy* Horray!

I HAVE GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL! =D

Rejoices! Liberation never felt so good, freedom never smelled sweeter; it is too good to be true. But it is, and I am loving every minute of it. Time, currently, is an illusion. ;)

SCREAMS!

Now, run along people. I need hedonism at the moment. Don't disturb me. =P Have a great weekend. Cheerios!

[+] There's more!

Hey. I had a hard time trying to focus on my Biology when my two brothers abruptly announced a decision which they are going to discuss with my mom. My younger brother intends to go back to his former school (my school). When I heard that, I cringed in disbelief. For Pete's sake, he has only been studying in his new school (my future school!) for a few months, and it is his decision to study there. So why the sudden decision to change back? Was he unhappy? From what I can see, he seems content with everything there.

I thought it was a joke. Maybe he misses his friends. Yeah, that's probably it and anytime soon, he will go back and do his homework. But it was totally serious, and they actually discussed it with my mom. I was swearing inside me, a fire boiling inside me. =O How could he? Doesn't he know our mom tried hard to enrol him in his current school? And the school fees don't come cheap too - they cost my parents about a few thousand US dollars per semester. I was really disgusted. I even intended to slap him silly to wake him up from his daydream.

Hello, brother! Wake up? Are you being lazy? You don't enjoy staying in school until 3 p.m. and getting lots of homework? You missed the good old times when back in your former school, you go back at 1 p.m., you have little homework to do and you can spend most of the day playing those stupid games in your PC? What's wrong with you? I can't stand your lackadaisical attitude. Consider dropping school and go get a decent job.

He is such a spoilt brat! Heck, he asked for it. But he's not happy with his decision, so he wants to go to "the lesser of the two evils". I don't get it. I really wanted to barge in the discussion and tell him off but I held myself back. It isn't my business and I have more important matters to attend to, i.e. Biology.

I was so mad I had to force myself to meditate. It was kind of bad but I eventually got hold of myself. It wasn't until dinner when my mom told me about it.

Apparently, she was the one who enrolled him into that school. It wasn't really his decision. She thought the education there will suit my brother since he will be given more attention from the teachers. My mom told me my brother is "slow" in class, so she thought the school's environment would benefit him. When my mother asked him again, my brother actually disagreed her decision but nonetheless, she still enrolled him.

"So what was the reason of him disliking the school?" I asked my mom. I had a look through his school books (they were interesting, insightful and pretty engaging), so the syllabus wasn't the problem. I doubt the teachers were of a problem either since he never complained to me about them, nor the school.

It was the Caucasians. (No offense to anyone)

Or from what I gathered, it probably was culture shock.

According to my mom, the Caucasians in his school just act different. More confident, more flamboyant and definitely more outgoing. My brother isn't used to such people. He's scared. But as much as I want to understand, I can't. Because I do know his fellow classmates are far worse than that. They are unruly, mischievous and ... let's just say they don't provide a conducive environment to study.

Not only that, I also cannot empathise culture shock because I haven't experienced it much. Usually when I go overseas, I assimilate myself quickly with the people. So much so after my frequent visits to Australia, a close friend pointed out that I love to say "Yeahh..." in my Australian drawl (it doesn't! What's so Australian about that anyway? =P). She thought I was emigrating to Australia soon! =O =P

Honestly, at first, I was against my brother moving school because I feel it was completely unnecessary and redundant. Oddly enough, I am against my brother moving back to his former school again for the same reasons.

My mom even said that my brother was actually crying to go back. I tried telling myself it was all crocodile tears, but I can't believe myself either because my brother doesn't cry. So it's really strange. After hearing all that, I was feeling really confused. My initial hatred towards his "stupid decision" was quickly replaced by guilt. I misunderstood the situation. What have I done? If I were to act on my anger, boy, things would get really ugly.

So I decided on the best course to take to clear up any misunderstanding. I went to talk to him. I tried talking to him about it, but he remained quiet and focused on his homework instead. This really annoyed me. I was aware that I sounded quite frustrated and annoyed with him. I guess that really put him off. But I really can't help myself. That was bad.

He requested me to ask my elder brother instead. I insisted that I want to know from the horse's mouth. I persisted until he told me coldly, "I don't need your help."

That was it. I flared up. He did not need my help?! He resorted to my elder brother for advice instead? I was hurt, I was jealous and I was really angry. He really had no right to tell me that. Strangely, my emotions were quickly numbed. I couldn't feel anything after that. I left the room. I understood.

He is now a teenager. A reserved one who tells things to people whenever he is ready. Like me.

I keep forgetting about it. And melancholy strikes me.

I can't stand the fact that my little brother has grown up to be a teen - the crucial period when he defines himself... I then realise I'm not the only one in his life anymore. He had others, and because of that, I'm upset and jealous. I was always looked as the "big brother" whenever my elder brother isn't back home. I started to long for the time when he would run to me for help. =(

I'm not used to it. And I hate myself for not understanding and respecting him. To be honest, I still sometimes treat him like a dirtbag. I thought he was a child. He no longer is. He is more aware now.

What was worse is that I feel so bad for jumping to conclusions and wanting to slap him. Slap him! What right have I got to do that?! =( Then I understood. He is confused. He needed time to ponder about his decision, and I'm willing to give it to him. I won't ask him anymore until he is willing to share.

So this is what being reserved means. Keeping things to yourself and only sharing with those whom you trust. It sometimes hurts, especially to people who care about you and wanting to know more about you, but you're not willing to disclose your feelings and thoughts. It's not wrong. It's just that... oh, I don't know. Some may misinterpret it as closure and selfishness. But I don't think it's that. I think this is part of a reserved person's nature.

Like me.

Or maybe I'm misinterpreting the entire situation and his characteristics. =S But I just hope that whatever it is, he will make a wise and smart decision. As his brother, I will try to support him fully if it is for the better.

[+] There's more!

I met the IB Head yesterday, and after listening to his thorough explanation about it, I was in awe of the diploma programme and I am really enthusiastic about it. I'll be a late entry since their semester has already begun (the school year begins on August; it is an international British school) but judging from my "impressive grades" (so they say), they will say I have little problems catching up and integrating myself into my classes quickly.

I shook my head in amazement. "Wow!" and "Like, seriously?!" is all I can say! =)

I do have reasons for liking the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme (colloquially known as IB) because of its breadth. 6 subjects are read - 2 languages (I love!), 1 Science, 1 Humanities, 1 Maths (bummer) and 1 elective. It provides a balanced education which is good for people like me who are still undecided about their career tracks. Currently, I'm thinking of majoring in the field of Biology but I'm still unsure and I want to keep my options open.

Besides that, there's the Extended Essay on which you can write extensively (4000 words) about absolutely anything relevant to a subject! And then, there's the philosophical Theory of Knowledge (cool!) and CAS which is basically doing compulsory co-curricular activities about anything!

Those elements combined in the IB makes it really exciting and worthwhile to pursue as a pre-university course. I have read online that it's a great preparation for university as it teaches you time-management skills and lets one get used to the workload which is ridiculously a lot. I sorely need to polish up those skills and I would find it immensely helpful if I can struggle earlier so that I may get used to it. =)

I don't think the local sixth form schools really prepare me that rigorously. You'll only specialise in 3 subjects and that's it. Well, I don't know. I haven't done much research on A Levels yet and I don't think I will since there isn't much information online on what the local schools offer. Sure, it's free (I think) for locals like me and I thought it would be worthwhile to take that up. Then again, I was sold by IB. So I guess I'll be sticking to it. I hope it is one of the good decisions I've made in life. I have a week to think about it before I finalise my decision. If you do have more information about the IB or even A Levels, please don't hesitate to comment. ;) I love to hear your inputs.

Speaking of IB, I do have a slight dilemma about my subject choices! =O I'm still juggling with my languages! =O But before that, below is the list of my current choices:
HL English A1
HL Biology
HL Geography
SL Mandarin B
SL Maths
SL Chemistry

N.B. SL means Standard Level while HL means Higher Level. One has to take 3 HL subjects and 3 SL subjects.

I was advised to drop down to SL English as I had not done literature works before. SL English maintains the same calibre as HL English with the exception of the number of books and the strict marking of HL English. Seeing that, I think it will be wiser for me to offer SL English instead as it would be easier for me to obtain a higher aggregate. I think at least 10 books are involved in SL! *gasp* How am I suppose to remember them all?!

On the other hand, I have difficulty choosing Malay, Mandarin, French and Spanish.

1. It's easy for me to score in Malay because I was told that the Malay in IB is simpler than the Malay I am currently doing now in O Levels (yes, the papers I sat were a major killer)! I was really surprised to hear that, but that's good news for me. I'm not so bad in Malay. They told me with my scores, I can easily score a 7 (the highest marks in an IB subject) in it. The thing is, I'm not that into it. It can be really boring at times. =( I don't think my interest in it can be sustained further after my last exam. However, I do not want to lose my grip on Malay either...


2. Ah, Mandarin, my arch-nemesis! I abhored this subject since primary school. Seriously, how complex can a language be? The squiggles, the sheer number of characters you need to know before you can actually read, the "I forgot how to write this word and I'm doomed" scenarios, the way-too-colourful idioms, vocabulary mastery, character mastery... *shudder* It was too much, and I was glad to be transferred to an English-medium school after 6 years of Chinese education. =O It was refreshing to interact with Roman characters!
   
   However, now that I'm older and wiser, I'd love to give my mother tongue another chance. I'm quite embarrassed as a Chinese to be poorly literated in Chinese. I would love to once again reconnect with my Chinese heritage and roots. Because it's my identity and it forms an integral part of who I am. It doesn't matter if I know German, French, Spanish, Japanese, Icelandic etc. if I can't do well in my own mother tongue. If I take up Mandarin again, I'll be doing it out of honour and slight interest. Sure, my fears hold me back but what have I got to lose? I think a two-years refresher's course in Mandarin will do me good. Besides, I can do Mandarin B (I think it will be something like a upper primary school curriculum). To qualify for it, I need 4 to 5 years educational background in Chinese and I already have it.
   
   Relearning the vocabulary is another issue, though. Hehehe! =O *faints*



3. Ah, French and Spanish. Oh, beautiful Romance languages! I love the sounds and the words and how can you not adore the Roman characters? The thing is, I will have difficulty learning these ab initio. As I'm already 4 months behind course, I will have to spend my December holidays trying to suck up everything and get comfortable with the language. It's kind of impossible and it can be a major set-back. I was advised not to do these since they are detrimental to my grades. I could have gotten a 7 in, say, Malay, instead of a 5 in Spanish ab initio. I do however have some basic knowledge in Spanish after a failed attempt in trying to pick it up two years ago. I love European languages!

And I'm at loss at what to do! I was advised to do SL English A1 (first language) and HL Mandarin B instead to maximise my grade potential. After thinking thoroughly, I thought it would be better to do HL Chemistry instead of HL Mandarin (or whatever) since some biochemistry is involved in Biology in university courses. So yeah, maybe that could do.

Guys, what am I supposed to do? Pick up which language? =S My heart tells me to do Mandarin for some strange reasons, but I'm still not too sure. I'm still weighing my options at the moment and I need some opinions on this. =)


----------


Yesterday, I made a starking discovery which I should have known a long time ago. I do actually but I wasn't so aware of it and I eventually forgot about it. I stumbled on the best study method ever. It's called simply sitting on the desk and study!

That's right. It's so simple and I had done that a few years ago by writing my own notes with pen and paper. I then switched to typing out my notes on computer and yeah, it's pretty obvious that my concentration wavered with the 24 hours Internet connection. I always take the opportunity to surf the Internet as I type out notes. I'm surprised at my short-term attention span.

I tried studying on the desk after trying to study on a low sofa, on my bed, on a rotating office chair and on the computer. All failed, except studying at the desk. It was a pleasant experience and change to actually study seriously without distractions. I now realise that sitting by the desk and study is an old but still effective environment to study as it forces me to focus on the book in front of me. Posture is good too. My long legs can comfortably touch the floor. There was minimal backache and sores too.

I was really happy. I have successfully studied 6 chapters (small and digestible ones first) of Biology in just 2 hours. I was shocked but elated. I got to try again today, and tomorrow and throughout the whole week. Or maybe it only works on Biology, my favourite subject. =( I hope not! As you can see from my schedule, the last few exams are hardcore and imminently important because they can make or break my future. =| Or maybe that's just my attitude towards science subjects.

These past few days, I find myself listening to music I've downloaded to my computer. I'm an irregular music listener, but suddenly, I enjoy listening to them everyday especially songs I like and are music to my ears (no pun intended!). =) It's strange. I'm actually listening to some right now, and I'm now riding on a roller coaster of emotions. =S Lol!

[+] There's more!

1. Chemistry practicals were alright, except for the fact that I deduced the cation in the qualitative analysis section wrongly. And I'm feeling sad about it because I missed out the gas test on ammonia when the result of the test was printed in the paper in front of my very eyes. And I feel upset by it. =(


2. I will make sure I'll study the variations topic thoroughly in Maths 2. I've lost a good sum of marks from questions involving variables. And I'm sad because I am capable of answering correct if only I studied more thoroughly and actually move my lazy bum away from the computer! =(


3. Oh, the Malay papers were absolutely disastrous. My active vocabulary was pretty limited but I was glad to read a Malay novel the day before. I managed to make use of some nifty words I came across. =) I'm afraid my essay went out of topic. =( Paper 2 was alright. However, I disliked the papers this year. It isn't because it was hard, but it was pretty dry and boring. I could not appreciate the literary works of the papers.

So I'm in the middle of a break, and the next paper wouldn't be until the upcoming Monday. 2 subjects completely down, 6 more to go...

Surprisingly, interesting things can actually happen in the midst of exams! =D Yesterday, after reading Tina Su's blog post on meditation, I have decided to give it a try. So I chose a spot on the carpet, sat cross-legged, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I tried to mimic my mom (she meditates during her morning prayers). It went alright until out of the blue, I bursted out laughing. And I laughed really hard! -.-" I have no idea what happened to me and it spoiled everything! =D Nevertheless, I tried again and made sure I fully concentrated on my breathing. Most of the time, I was conscious of my breathing but there were sporadic moments when thoughts hovered for a while.

It was five minutes later when I reopened my eyes, and I felt strangely calm. I wasn't even sure where I was or who I was. It was that refreshing! =O I sat that dumbfounded for a while enjoying the blank sensation (hahaha!) before I got up and went back to work full of vitality.

Well, the positive attitude didn't last long but it was better than nothing. =) I sort of forgot to meditate today, but I'll try to do it tomorrow. I think this will be my new therapy to silence my thoughts. We shall see how it goes. =)

When I got to school later, my friend approached and told me he liked his birthday present. I was so happy because he was the third person to say that, and the two others liked their presents too. I went to cloud nine when he commented that I have the "knack" of knowing the inner desires of people. I was grinning widely and I wished he could say that again and again. He did a few times. Hahaha! I was really happy to hear that. =) By the way, he is the second person to praise my "ability". I'm overjoyed to hear people saying how much they liked their gifts. =)

Later that night, I decided to read a post-apocalypse novel called The Road. It was pretty dull at first to read the similar descriptions. When it came to the middle, I was really shocked at what people will desperately do to survive. I was freaked out when the author introduced cannibalism to the story. There were only a handful of survivors, and a few decided to eat other survivors to survive. I shivered in horror and frowned in disgust. It was immoral and unethical but it's all done in the name of survival. I don't know... =S

The ending wasn't that good. I should have expected that anyway. What could get better after the end of the world? =O I do not enjoy reading stories with a depressing ending. Despite that, it was a pretty good book. Shocking and dreadful, but good nonetheless. I'm still kind of freaked out by the horrid scenes the author had painted.

I slept at 2 a.m. last night as I actually read the entire book in one sitting. It isn't worth reading books till late, especially books that are uneducational! =O I would forgive myself if I was reading Geography instead. I shrugged and went to bed exhausted, but somehow, a bit satisfied.

I had a nightmare this morning. It was a nightmare because a dark side of me was exposed. It had something to do with my neighbours. If you remembered, I stopped playing basketball with them a few months ago. In that dream, my neighbour's upset mother approached me and handed me a piece of paper.

"What is this?" I asked.

"I would like to press charges against you for stopping to entertain my boys. I thought you look like a good guy, so polite and friendly. As it turns out, you're not, you're putting up a show. Deep inside, you're insensitive, cold and heartless," she responded angrily in Chinese.

"WHAT?!"

I was in utter shock because she sued me and decided to take matters to court. Secondly, relationships make and break. I was so taken aback at the severity of emotional pains I had made. It was pretty clear I had somehow strained the ties but I had no idea it was that serious.

And when she said I was a great pretender, it was as if I were slapped in the face.

Insensitive, cold and heartless.

I have a confession to make. *sigh* Despite me being friendly and all, I can be really unsocial, reserved and dark when I'm not in a good mood. Or sometimes even when I'm in a better mood. I don't know why I do that... I tend to do that especially when I go out. There is this unexplained fear of meeting some people I know. It's as if I want to try and hide from them. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I'm being selfish for thinking that, "This is my turf." or "This is the only time I'm out. Go away; I want to be left alone.", especially when I'm alone.

I love to go outdoors myself. It's a time when I can connect with myself and enjoy and appreciate everything. I do not want to accidentally bump into people when I'm doing something no one expects me to, like picking up a romance novel in a bookstore, or browsing through the motivational/self-help section. I do not want acquaintances and friends to know my tastes or what goes on in my life. I just want to do whatever I feel like doing. That's all.

Or sometimes, I just dislike bumping into people I know for no particular reason. I try to hide myself and walk away. And when I dislike someone, I generally try to stay as far away from him as possible so that he will not see my expression. I'm a pretty expressive person, so you can immediately know what goes on inside my head whenever you see me.

I really think there is more to this hidden dark side of mine, but I am unable to completely reason with it. In a way, it's irrational. Am I hiding my vulnerabilities from people? I do tell a few close friends a great deal about myself because I feel safe telling it to them.

I am so confused.

In that dream, I crouched back and looked at her in horror. Her words were like a dagger piercing through my heart. It somehow made a strong impression on me. I withdrew and looked at her in fear. I whimpered. "No, no, no..." And I woke up, my heart beating.

Did my neighbour sue me because I stopped hanging out with him?

I tried to think back. I wasn't able to remember when I last saw him. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was a bad nightmare, albeit a short one. It was time to visit MV Doulos, the floating bookstore (with great bargains!). It is their last day berthing today, and they'll be leaving. I got myself ready and then went to the ship alone.

There were a lot of people on the ship. I was quite taken aback because I do not remember seeing this much people in local bookstores. And the selection of books on board were diverse. I was pleasantly surprised. It was like a mini-Borders bookstore, except it was near home. I grinned broadly and made my way inside. It was stuffy and humid as it was quite hot and the place wasn't air-conditioned. But it was okay because I was blinded by my love for the books on sale.

And were they really affordable! I managed to buy 12 books (books I won't really pick up normally) and they cost me only less than US$100.00. It was a steal! =D I couldn't believe my eyes. I even had to double check the prices to ensure that they don't exceed my small budget. I was happy, because normally, that many books will cost me US$150.00 or more if they were bought locally or in Australia or Singapore. They were really heavy. Oomph!

I missed the opportunity to talk with the crew and staff on board. They seem really friendly and nice. I was kind of timid, shy and scared at the same time. When I got in the car, I kicked myself for missing an incredible opportunity. Oh well! Anyway, I did meet a few interesting people on board. I met the girl who bullied me in kindergarten (I doubt she even remembers me), an ex-classmate and most importantly, a famous local photoblogger!

I was so amazed to see him in person taking macro-shots of merchandises on sale. And he did it in front of me. I was in awe of his photographing skills. I pretended to read the atlas while I stole glances at him. His shots were quick and spontaneous, and he had a pretty good-looking camera! =D I was very tempted to greet him and say, "Hey! I love your blog and your pictures! They are so cool. What an honour to meet you!"

I didn't because I was so scared I'll scare him silly. So I stood a few metres away and watched him, a professional, snapping pictures. I wandered over to another aisle to look at more books. I also do not want to arouse suspicion! =O I was walking when I saw him again taking another picture. I looked at a large-print (like, really large!) children's book while I tried seeing him in action. I laughed at the big text and the cute illustrations. After that, he was gone and I didn't see him anymore, so after some time, I paid for my purchases and went home. I was happy to know that my money was well-spent.

Some of the books I bought were a Sudoku puzzle book, (I wanted to see what the hype was all about), a study guide, a survival book (yes, I was that paranoid after reading the novel! =P Nah, I think it's a handy book) and the complete works of Shakespeare which was only US$11.00! I think being English enthusiast, I should get to know Shakespeare, but when I read a bit, I found the Shakespearean language very confusing! Regardless, what a steal it was! =D

Just now, an uninvited guest (with his wife) came over to my house. They were my ex-crush parents. I groaned. Oh no, what are they doing here so suddenly? I feel uncomfortable around house guests, but to have an uninvited guest show up... It was enough to make me anxious. I was kind of upset that they showed up all of a sudden. I don't know why, but I was so scared they are arranging my marriage with my ex-crush. (Ill! That was so over. =O ) Thank goodness they didn't stay long. I was wondering what their ulterior motive was. According to my dad, they just wanted to catch up. They never even called to let us know they are coming. Oh well!!! I guess this won't be their last visit since they have done that a couple of times already.

It's back to Geography again. Thanks for reading. =) See you guys soon!

[+] There's more!

I have a family. They aren't perfect. Two of my family members have a fiery temperament.

My goodness, how I wish I were more proud and hold grudges against you two. It would make my life so much easier. I have to be such a nice guy. =(

You know what? They are family and I always love them both. Even though they can get on my nerves like once in a while. I can compromise. My mom can. I just wish my elder brother could (maybe he does and I'm not aware of it).

I wish I could write more, but I don't want to backstab my family. Not even here. I am feeling guilty even blogging about this. Man, this sucks! =P

Surprisingly, all is forgiven; grudges are forgotten. A long time ago already, even. The end. =)

EDIT 29 October 2007, 9:07 p.m.: Well, I did blog about it but I have hidden most of the blog post among comment tags. You can still view them, if you know how. =P I am feeling paranoid that one of my family members stumble upon this, and things wouldn't be really pretty. I was tossing and turning on my bed last night thinking of the consequences. Sorry, but I'm feeling a bit paranoid. =S

[+] There's more!

Sporadic blogging beckons because it's that time of the month again - examinations! However, this time round, this is a very serious public exam (Cambridge GCE O Levels) which is a stepping stone to tertiary education. In other words, it's not worth screwing it up! =P Unfortunately, my studying odyssey isn't going too great with the sudden introductions of distractions around the house.

So what am I doing besides studying? Recently, I have just discovered Desperate Housewives. Yeap, it's that famous comedy-drama series. I like watching the few episodes of it when I was in Australia last year. It wasn't until now (great timing!) that I have the urge to watch it. I feel kind of embarrassed as a guy that I love that show and am watching it enthusiastically. I have to admit it is pretty addictive! I really love the plots and sub-plots that were woven so perfectly, and how the lives of four women were separate yet linked. Furthermore, it is a good portrayal of life. Love, happiness, fun, deceptions, betrayals, jealousy etc. You can learn a lot from it.

*sigh* And I have finished 3 seasons in a span of a few weeks after buying the DVDs. I can't wait for Season 4! =D I can't believe Star World is still showing Season 3 and Season 4 will not be out anytime soon. =(

I wished I was introduced to American series sooner. Seriously, I cannot believe they are so entertaining. Man, I think I'm weaned from cartoons. Hahaha! =P The next one I'm going to watch is definitely Heroes. A few of my friends have watched it, and they said it was great. I'll buy the DVDs after my exams are over so that I can watch Season 2 in time next year without feeling lost. Yay! I can't wait! =D

I also recently discovered Linux, the free operating system (OS). I have contemplated of upgrading to Windows Vista but after reading horrendous reviews about it only, I then knew Windows XP was so much better. Then comes the serendipity of Linux. I have heard of it before from a geek friend of mine. It wasn't until after some voracious research, I have thought of getting a distro.

I've downloaded Knoppix and I am currently using it via live CD. It has great GUI and it looks pleasingly aesthetic. It's a nice change from the boring XP look. I've enjoyed using it, so much so I'm planning to dual-boot my hard drive with a Linux distro and Windows XP (for my Windows games). More on this later when I have more time to review Linux.

Regarding my Grade 7 piano practical exam, I'm glad to say I passed... barely. I got a 101/150, which is 1 mark more than the mininum passing grade. Honestly, I wish I am happy about it but I'm not. *sigh* The other day, I went out for dinner with the prefects and on my table, the piano examinees were talking about their grades and sharing their experiences with piano.

"Oh, I got borderline merit."

"And I got borderline distinction."

Shut up! I'm so embarrassed to announce my marks. "Eheh, I got a borderline pass?" Yet, my teacher was pretty okay with my performance. My confidence with piano sank down really hard that night, and until today, I am subconciously affected by it. I think I have reached my limit in musicality. I can't get any better. Not with practices that I am reluctant to do. Not surprisingly, I'm not taking Grade 8. And that is my own decision. My fellow music prodigies decided to go for Grade 8, like immediately. I feel like doing a face which says, "Screw you!". I'm sorry to say that, but yes, I feel so inferior compared to these superhumans.

Furthermore, I learned that night that piano teachers are freaky. They hyperventilate and lecture you when you make a mistake during classes and during performances. My friend that day told me that a piano teacher went ballistic because her student did not pass his exams.

CRAZY, I tell you! =O I'm starting to think I'm lucky to have such a nice piano teacher.

Everyone MUST pick up piano. It's the norm, especially in Asia. I took it up when I was young voluntarily. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so doubtful of my own musical abilities now. I'm slowly losing my grip. Is it worth to bother finishing Grade 8? People say I shouldn't stop (at least I know they would say that) since I'm near the top but I think endowing myself as a Grade 8 pianist is like labelling a high school student a university graduate. I'm just not cut for it. I just want to play for fun. Not as a profession. I just wish people around me will understand that. I don't want to quit, but that somehow influences me to.

The topic on music went on for quite some time. It was the worst time of my life. As a musician, I can't connect with other musicians. I think it's a bit tad sad. It is a mistake if you suddenly bring up a topic about piano. I'll shy away and try to change topic. =(

The topic went on to swimming. Okay, it is good. At least it's something I can do adequately and can relate too. It went straight on to competitive swimming. Oh great, here we go again. =S I learnt that swimming coaches can be as crazy as piano teachers. My friend had a coach which made him do drills after drills, after drills. If you fail to turn up for even a day of practice session, they'll decapitate you first before asking questions. You have to breathe swimming, eat swimming, play swimming and sleep swimming! =O

At that moment, I was thinking, what the hell is wrong with society? Nuts, I say! When it comes to competition, everyone is inconsiderate. No excuses, no frills. Just do it. If you can't do it, I'll make you do it.

AHHHH!

Again, I think I'm lucky to have such a nice coach. At least he seems nice...

I have a friend, or rather an academic rival. He is one of the scientific brainiacs in class. It's no surprise since "his mom is a Physics teacher". Guess what? Teachers are surprised when he fails to get 80 and above for Chemistry and Physics. His mom gets disappointed, edgy, frustrated and murderous when he gets bad results, which is pretty good to most people, even me. He feels sad because he is about to get punished.

I'm glad my mom isn't anywhere like that. She loves me for who I am and my current capabilities. =)

Just when you think your are happy with yourself. Then, there are people out there who goes on and on about their disappointment in not achieving perfection. Don't you just wish there was some way to silence their neighing?

I'm a hypocrite. I'm like that too, only at times. Still, there is a limit to it, right? It is one way of improving ourselves by competing. Too much is unhealthy...

*sigh*

I must concentrate on studies first. That is my main priority. I'll worry about piano and swimming and others after exams, when there is plenty of time to do it. Then again, maybe I won't.

I think this blog post has went off tangent. Lol!

[+] There's more!

I have been thinking a lot about the previous post I have written. Towards the end, I reflected on the moment spent with a friend of mine. I have been thinking about where do I want exactly want to stand in the relationship, close-knit friendship or perhaps even something more. I shouldn't have spilled it to my keeper of secrets friend either. She was absolutely shocked when I told her via writing. To be honest, I felt really strange and weird (no, no, not the lovey-dovey flip flops, but more of a disgusted one).

I've been thinking about me and him, and to be honest, I would feel pretty unnatural about the whole complexities. I tried picturing it in my head, and I can't. It's not right for me. I tuned in to my inner thoughts, my subconscious me, and asked, "Is this what I really want?" He said no. And I understood. Because it isn't what I want. It's not right for me. I have confused between friendship and romance, and the boundary was somehow blurred. Besides, I really doubt he fancies me in an absolutely different way. He won't reciprocate my feelings. I bet he will flee as far away from me as possible.

I thought about it again over lunch. I don't think it will work out. I dislike that thought very much. I really do want to be close to him, but to be that close, no thanks! Too awkward, too strange, not right for us! Suddenly, the phrase "Do the right thing" rang in my head. And I think not taking any step further from friendship is exactly the right thing. It benefits the both of us.

The inner me smiled. =)

And it took only a day for me to clarify my feelings? Yeah, it seemed really fast but I had enough time to think. And this time, I feel comforted by that fact. I adhere to this quote by Grandmother Willow from Disney's Pocahontas:

Listen with your heart, you will understand.

- Grandmother Willow

[+] There's more!

Beware! This blog post is pretty text-heavy! Images will not accompany the text because I ran out of inspiration! Heehee!

Many pleasant events have taken place during the last few days. I feel really glad to experience them! =) Many of them deal with relationships. I just feel so loved and wanted. I'm really happy! I'm ecstatic to know I have many close friends. No, I don't mean a thousand or a million! =O Sure, I've got probably a few but that's plenty enough for me. Yahoo!

Before I delve into the subject of friendships, do you remember about the piano exam I had the other day? It turns out that it went quite well. It's definitely far from perfect, but I'm slightly optimistic about passing the exam! I'd still say that despite the fact that I had completely messed up my A1 exam piece (I murdered it! =P) due to nerves. *sigh* There were some slips in my scales, again due to nerves and carelessness.

But what I'm quite proud out is my accomplishment of sight-reading rather fluently! =D It's definitely much more easier than the normal practices my teacher drilled me in. There were minimal chords in it. I failed to obey the dynamics and the tempo but it came out decently. I'm really happy with it. And it is the first time I am actually hopeful that my sight-reading section can help pull my marks out. My aural however is a different story. I seriously have unmusical ears! =P I think I flunked my section. In one part of the aural, I was asked to sight-sing. I completely babbled random Do-Re-Mi notes. I wouldn't if the beat wasn't so fast! The examiner had already finished playing while I was still halfway singing in vain. =|

According to a friend, results will be released sometime next week. That's extremely fast and I hope he is really wrong! =P I hope the two years' work pays off. =)

I doubt I was actually concentrating in school that day itself. I spent half the day worrying about my exam while I spent the rest sharing my experience with my friends and simply rejoicing that I survived the ordeal. What an accomplishment! =D I won't be touching the piano for about a fortnight. No more playing the same three songs and scales over and over again. =D It drives me crazy!

That wasn't it on Monday. One of my close friends had a surprise for me - she announced to me that my birthday present was ready and she gave me after school. I was elated even though it was pretty early. Well, she told me it wouldn't be so nice to present me the present on my day itself since I'll be having an oral exam (what a bummer, huh?). I thanked her profusely and gladly accepted it. =)

To be honest, I wasn't thinking about it that much on the way home since I was too busy relieving the experience. However, as I approached home, I began to feel excited about opening the present. No, I wasn't patient enough to wait until my birthday. And why wait? =P Hee hee hee! So I opened. I really like her choice of gifts (note the plural). ;) They are really cute! I placed them in the respective places. However, one thing stood out among the paraphernalia. It wasn't expensive either, but to me, it is priceless.

A message.

Do you have any idea how I longed to get a message, an actual, physical message, from a friend (besides greeting cards)? No one has done that for a long time! I felt terribly touched by what she had written there, about how we became close together and some nice thank-you messages for me. But most importantly, how glad she is to have me as a friend. I could have cried if I were more sensitive. =) I mean, it really means a lot to me to hear that. It just makes me feel warm inside, comforted by the thought that I have a true friend. Well, honestly, I am glad to meet her and befriend her as well. Sure, we may have our differences. She may not be perfect. I'm not too. We overlooked our imperfections and concentrated on the good ones.

I'm so glad to have such a friend. =) Words themselves cannot describe my appreciation. Thank you for the message. It really made my day. And you have made me feel special in your eyes. =)

I will treasure that message in my memory box. Yes, I do have one! There really isn't much inside. It's mostly birthday cards, greetings and photos (which aren't many). Yeah, it's kind of my secret desire to receive meaningful messages from friends once in a while. Okay, it's not on the top of my wishlist. You know what I mean, right? Sometimes, when you're feeling down or bored, you'll just sift through your memory box or messages (or whatever really!) to remind yourself that you are special in someone's eyes. And those are really comforting facts.

Come Tuesday, I wasn't expecting anyone to divulge her secrets to me. I am not as close to this person as other close friends. The day before, I politely asked her for passwords to her secret blog posts in Wordpress since I'm quite "inquisitive" myself. ;) Hahaha! Anyway, I have not got a response from her until Tuesday afternoon (nor do I want to bring up the subject matter). So I went online and managed to catch her. She must be psychic that I wanted the passwords without me saying much except "Hi!". =O Then, I made a small comment regarding her blog posts. And well, I felt joyous to know that I am trustworthy enough to let her confide her secret. (I love secrets!)

She began to talk about her relationship problems with a certain guy. And she thinks it's girl talk. I don't think so! I think guys do talk about relationship problems too. At least I will. ;) So yes, we chatted. It was pretty interesting to listen to her problems. It wasn't so funny actually (well, she and I kept laughing probably because she made it sound quite hilarious). =P It was kind of weird to know that even though I eavesdropped that morning and overheard her best friend hinting on a certain someone. Truthfully, it sounds weird she have been liking that guy for quite a long time. I guess those are what you call secrets.

Pardon me for making a weird analogy to The Sims 2, but after being her listener to her secrets, it sort of boosted our relationship points by a lot. And I mean a lot! I think secrets are built upon a foundation of trust. And maybe as you know more about the person, the trust grows and people will forge really close together. It really reminds me of how I first divulged my crush to a mutual friend. Guess what? We're now really close and it has gone to the extend that I really trust her enough to let her in on this blog. We both now voraciously share secrets. It's really fun. But at the same time, it brings us even more closer together after gaining more understanding of each other. It's funny how secrets shared lead from one thing to another, huh? =)

You know, that next day, she told me that she too keep a secret diary which is shared among herself and her close friend. I was dumbfounded and even more when she told me I have actually seen the book before! It so does not look like a diary! =O So when I saw her this morning writing on it, I smiled. She smiled. We understood. =D It's really cool to know something which no one else knows! Hehehe! I'm sure she will agree when she reads this. =P

Anyway, today I had my oral exam today. English, to be exact. It went well. =) It was like having a tea with friends. Okay, that's a bit exaggerated, but it felt like a casual conversation. I was clearly nervous though. =S It was rather similar to my mock orals I had the other day. I think I owe that success to this blog! Seriously, I learned a lot from here on expressing myself better to people. I find it kind of enjoyable to say personal stuffs to strangers. It's like an amazing feeling! Really, I enjoyed it. The funny thing is that I was talking about this big dilemma which happened just recently when I got such a topic. It was very coincidental. I had no idea how such a confusing situation can serve as a base for my topic! Really! =P

The Malay orals, however, is a completely different story. The topics usually do not touch a personal level. And that is kind of disadvantageous to me, combined with the fact that I have yet to gain fluency in that language. This will come later anyway.

That morning during English, I cannot believe that I was commended on my Commonwealth essay. This is my first time to receive merit for my composition, and I'm terribly happy! I have always wished my Commonwealth essays were given some form of recognition and I finally got one. Yippee! =D Horray! Horray! *does a dance*

Biology today was a pretty sad period. Everyone have just gotten back their Paper 2s, and almost everyone wore a sad look. I wanted to claim half a mark actually due to marking errors but after combining my papers together, it doesn't make any difference to my average. Furthermore, it gives the impression to people that I'm a marks-eating monster who keeps on the lookout for marks. I feel really bad to claim more marks even when I'm the highest. I feel sorry for my friend above who got me the present as she hasn't done as well as she had thought. Furthermore, she has got gastric and I really don't want to further upset her. I shrugged it off since I feel bad whether or not I claim marks. I claimed later when I found out I could get an additional half a mark. This probably will influence my average, but I'm not bothered about recalculating it!

Sometimes, it's not easy to be the top in the class. People feel jealous. Okay, I admit, I feel jealous when my peers, especially my academic rivals, do better than me and I usually vow to get them back. However, my procrastinating habit sets me back and the vicious cycle of jealousy keeps on looping. =( Sometimes, I wish I could just accept the fact I'm never always the best. It would make my life easier a little bit.

During recess, while I was feasting on my beef rendang, something embarrassing happened! I was so freaked out by it. When I was pulling out my handkerchief from my pocket, a lip balm stick flew out and landed on the floor with a "Clink!", right in front of two Year 8 girls. My eyes widened in horror and my heart thumped really fast. I was silently cursing myself for being so careless and with my handkerchief, I quickly hid it and brought it into my pocket rather nonchalantly and continued reading the notice board. It was terribly embarrassing, whoever have heard of a guy carrying a lip stick in his pocket (that was the impression given! =( )? I need it because I have dry lips, but still. I bet they were gossiping next to me while I found a distraction. Why hadn't I go away? =O

Anyway, after school, before my orals, I hung out with a guy friend of mine. I enjoyed talking to him. When I saw him looking at the notice board at the foyer with bored look, I invited him to eat with me in class. So we did, and we were in class alone enjoying our food. I don't really remember what we talked about though. I just enjoyed the moment. You know, I really want to go out and have some fun with him. So I hinted (Lol!) that we eat at a local Japanese restaurant when we have our next orals, since school lets out early due to the Ramadhan fasting month for the Muslims. And he said he will think about it.

After that, we just wandered around the school courtyard since the library was closed. Then we met the examiners and I was kind of scared when I saw one of them was a native speaker. I was kind of afraid I wouldn't be able to understand what he says. I was acting strangely nervous when he spoke to me. Sheesh, the exam has not even started and I already gave a bad impression. =O

So anyway, after chilling out, we went up to the examination hall with the others. The exam started rather early, so before it started, my friend went to look for a toilet to gel his hair. I mean, is that necessary? =P Okay, so we found a small toilet in the top floor and we both went in and he gelled his hair.

"What am I rambling? Why are you telling me such a boring story about you and him?", you may ask. Guys, I know this sounds really, really strange. Should I really go on? I think I better continue the story. So we both went in, and he gelled his hair. My heart pounded as we went in and I began to ramble nonsense and ask stupid questions. Like "I don't know how to gel my hair. How do you gel yours?"

You may think I'm insane and crazy to suddenly be so unlike me. I don't know guys, but I think of this fellow in a ... different way. I don't know why I feel like this. Normally, when I hang out with a bunch of guys, I don't feel giddy and funny. Somehow, I was like that. I really don't know. I'm so confused. No, I don't want to be orientated differently from the rest. It's not doing me any good. I like girls, as you can see from my crushes.

I don't normally get nervous when I talk to him. Maybe a couple of times, I feel strange but it wasn't as bad as just now. It's just ... so wrong, I tell you! He's really ... I don't know. Just catches my fancy. I have no idea why either. It was a pretty awkward moment for me. Oh my gosh, I just don't know!

And he usually copies my homework too!

Am I confusing between friendship and romance? I think I am. Maybe I just want to know him better as a friend. Like be close, but not that close. Or maybe I just want something more than being just close friend, or even a best friend... Hmm...?

NO WAY!!!! =O

Whatever it is, I really hope this feeling will pass. And I have absolutely no intent in telling him this. There is no way I'm going to jeopardise our friendship just because of my confusion. I'll keep it to myself, and with you guys.

This is so confusing and illogical. I wish I could be just like an ordinary teenage boy at times. Sorry if that kind of thing turns you off.

By the way, I just want to apologise for not living up to the purpose of my blog recently. It's just that I'm tired and there really isn't much going on nowadays. Furthermore, I'll be too pooped from a long day at school. I really hope you guys understand. I'm really sorry...

[+] There's more!

The car zoomed by at high speed. Leaves were blown away and rustled into the night air. The silence of the night was broken by gales of laughter from the passengers in the car who had had some drinks. They were heading home after a great night of drinking just over the border.

They prattled and joked among themselves in a rather rowdy way. The group of young teenagers enjoyed a heighten feeling of temporary ecstasy. However, the driver did not join in the conversation, instead he tried to focus on his driving. His senses is starting to numb, and without realising it, he stepped on the pedal too hard. The needle in the speedometer shot to the red zone. He was not able to see it as he tried in vain to focus on the curve in the road that was fast approaching. His vision blurred and he didn't know where he was heading.

The more sober guy widened his eyes as he pointed at the oncoming crash barrier. They were approaching towards it dangerously fast! An air of ominousness shrouded the car. The driver quickly came to his senses and acted on his reflexes. He braked as hard as he could, but it was all too late. The car crashed on impact, rolling over many times. Unearthly screams came from the boys as they wrestled with death.

And then, silence...

About 2 a.m., the lovely cousin was excitedly observing a game of poker. She laughed when her boyfriend whined about his bad hand. The players chuckled upon hearing him, knowing maybe this time, they could stand a chance. The mobile phone whirred suddenly, and he casually picked up the phone. He opened the message, and could not believe what he had just read. He darted his eyes at every word in disbelief, hoping that it was some sort of a sick, twisted joke. His mouth was wide open in horror.

His girlfriend flashed a look of concern. "Baby, what's wrong?"

He hesitated for a moment. "Your cousin... he died in a car accident just now," he croaked.

There was shock, disbelief and horror. Seconds passed painfully as the message seared the heart of the cousin. Her boyfriend immediately excused himself and escorted his girlfriend back home. Tears streaked down her face and she sobbed miserably. Her dear cousin, gone. But how, why? Questions remained unanswered and there was nothing she could do. She was 2000 miles away from home...

As much as I wished it was an essay for a school assignment, it isn't. Sadly, it's a real-life incident. It all happened in the wee hours of this morning. Two of the passengers perished in the car accident while the other three is under intensive care. The cousin and her boyfriend mentioned was actually my elder brother and his girlfriend. He was her favourite cousin of hers, and according to my brother via SMS, she was extremely devastated to hear the news.

She isn't alone. Her entire family is grieving for his sudden departure. The most affected one is his mother who I've heard is very fond of his son. At first, when my mother told me the news, chills went down my spine. I responded with a rude "Huh?", prompting her to repeat what she had said, unwilling to believe it the first time. She received a message early this morning about his death, and by that time, the funeral was taking place. It is already over now, his corpse is already buried in the cemetery.

It's too fast, it's all too fast! I cannot believe it! =( He is... he is so young. He shouldn't just die just like that. It's so unfair! I still remember vividly his visit to our house together with my brother's girlfriend's (whom I shall refer to as my sister from now) family. I can still remember his cheery voice. He was a fine and handsome young lad! What I admire most about him was his strong dedication to lose weight. The last time I saw him, he was pretty fat. The next time I saw him, I simply couldn't believe the tall and built guy was him!

I was further saddened by the fact that he is of the same age as me. For Pete's sake, he will be sitting for his O Levels this November with me and soon be a high school graduate! What the hell? Just one accident, and that spells the end! He didn't get the chance to complete his secondary education. Heck, he didn't have the chance the live and enjoy his life until a ripe old age! =(

Oh my God...

Although I am not that close to him, I've gotten to know him over the years as a really great and charming guy who knows how to have fun. I heard that he's bright too. I didn't know that the last conversation I had with him is our last. What a sad way to leave Earth. I'm terribly sorry... =( My condolences to my sister's family.

Thank you for touching the lives of people around you for the past 17 years. You will be dearly missed and always remembered by your loved ones.


He was one of the passengers in the car. Police are still investigating the causes. The story above is not accurate as it is a product of my imagination, but the basic facts are there. According to my sister's father, it was inferred to be caused by drunk driving. It was suspected that they hopped over the border and had a drink session before coming back home (my country bans alcoholic beverages from being sold in public). The driver could have been drunk while driving. It was a self-accident.

I cannot imagine this had actually taken place. Drunk driving robs away the lives of the innocent. I plead to you people! Please, do not ever drink and drive! Get someone to drive you home or call a taxi. Don't risk your lives, or others, by driving when you are drunk.

It's not worth drinking and driving!

And it goes to say that you should not drive when you're tired too. I recall vividly an advertisement that was always aired on the British Capital 95.8 that goes something like this:

(in a drowsy tone) The monotony of driving is sending you to sleep. Monotony of driving is sending you to sleep. Driving is sending to sleep. Sleep...

Crash!! ...

Please drive carefully.

*sigh* Rest in peace, my friend.

[+] There's more!

I woke up a couple of times this morning with my heart pounding pretty fast. At first, I didn't know what happened until visions of my nightmare returned to haunt me. It was really scary, I was so afraid of going back to sleep. No, it isn't one of those nightmares involving ghouls and spectres. It was a robbery happening right in my house! =O

I remembered I was in the living room with my ex-Science teacher. I had no idea why she was there in the first place. Anyway, I was instructed to open the gate for one of my friend's mother as she was coming to get my friend's photographs. I don't know why it happened too. A few minutes passed and a car came up and parked itself in the driveway. I looked out of the curtain and I saw an unfamiliar face of a pretty Malay lady who was donning a local attire. Without pondering much, I went out to have a look and carelessly left the door open.

All of a sudden, one of my mom's colleagues popped out and he and the lady just stomped into the house, pushing aside me. I was in a daze of confusion. My gut instincts began to warn me of an imminent robbery. That was it. Soon, I "saw" (or rather, felt) what was taking place upstairs. The entire house was ransacked and I developed a feeling that the robbers knew what they were after.

I did not know what to do. I was terrified by not only the situation, but also fearing my own safety as well as losing possessions. Till that point, I have never witnessed a real robbery. In the Sims 2 game, robbery had taken place a few times and more often than not, the robber was apprehended. I even thought it was quite funny to see my Sims screaming in hysteria and acting all nervous when the robber was stealing their possessions a few times. Not in my nightmare! I watched helplessly as the robbers cleaned out the entire house, and they made a clean getaway in their car, zooming off into the night.

I realised I was feeling shakey and nervous all the time. When I managed to calm my nerves a little, a voice inside my head told me to check on my ATM card (of all things!). Panicking, I zoomed up the stairs and headed into my bedroom, half wishing that my room was spared. It wasn't. The minute I opened the drawer where I kept my wallet, I couldn't find my wallet. I was infuriating and flabbergasted! I checked the other drawer where I kept the only bank statement I received so far. It was gone as well.

Paranoia began to eat my insides. All the money I have collected and save will be gone before the next day! =( I tried to think of every possibility to save my money and thank goodness I had an idea. To call the bank, of course! Tell the bank that my ATM card was stolen and to request them to deactivate the card. I rushed down and open the telephone directories. I tried to search for "ATM" in vain but I could not find it. My heart sank with dread and before I knew it, I blacked out and I returned to my bed.

I tried to open my eyes and lay there on my bed gasping for oxygen. I can't believe the robbery had petrified me so much! At first, I did not dare to look around my room for fear of encountering the robber. What if it was real? It felt too real! I was dreading that my ATM card had really disappeared. As much as I wanted to check to clear my conscience, I did not want to as I did not want to wake up. I plucked my courage and looked around from after many minutes, scanning everything and also any silhouettes lurking around. Thank goodness I didn't find any. I began to chant prayers to dispel any "energy" or "presence" that might disturb my sleep. I couldn't sleep for some time. I was too engrossed in my thoughts of that robbery.

Why didn't I phone the police? Did nervousness got the better of me? The robbers could have been caught by the police if only I acted faster. Why didn't i? Why had I let the robbers in to my house? I doubted myself and my actions in the dream. It really shows that I have little preparedness in emergencies. I was also thinking of allocating a safe hiding place for my valuables but what if the robbers knew where they were, or if they unknowingly stole the box or whatever that housed my possessions?

It took quite a while to clear my thoughts. I then slipped into slumberland, dreaming about adventures like those in the Twilight Princess game I played recently. I also dreamed about school (oh no!) and another robbery, this time at the ATM machine, although I did not remember much of it.

I'm glad that despite all these nightmares and dreams, I still managed to get a sound sleep after all those nights of sporadic sleeps. I was actually dreading to go to sleep last night as I did not want a poor quality sleep. =S

Why all these dreams? Are they somehow stress-related? I have just realized that most of my dreams these past few days somehow were related to school...

I'm not spending the last week of my school holidays that well too. After a week of playing the Twilight Princess game, I had to go back to work on my holiday assignments, two of which are the major ones which are the O Levels computer coursework and the Flash animation for an upcoming competition. I have done absolutely nothing for the latter. I could not concentrate on working even these two. I totally regretted playing that game, and I wish to regain that lost time. I refuse to believe that the holidays are meant to catch up on schoolwork. I was hoping that I could self-improve myself in vocabulary and maybe revising a little. I could do none of these things! My brain was screaming at me to relax and not do any productive work whereas my conscience said otherwise.

I think I have landed myself in major trouble, for once again leaving everything till the last minute. Congratulations, idiot, you learned nothing after all! I have no idea what causes this. I used to be a pretty ardent workaholic but now, my concentration span could not last 10 minutes before I get distracted again.

I'm lethargic, languid, lazy, lackadaisical, and whatever adjectives starting with "L" which describes my current lethargy. I simply have no mood nowadays to go on doing my assignments or even doing some productive work. Nor do I have to mood to enjoy myself. I don't understand why. It is as if there's something clogging my brain.

I can only do things when I have the mood and the heart to do it. I will not bother trying to do anything when I don't have the mood. *sigh*

I don't know what am I supposed to do now. I have no more choice but to force myself to finish up all my assignments. I am so going to be in deep trouble when school reopens. Oh God, help me! =( All these things are really killing me! I'm so frustrated and disappointed with myself!

[+] There's more!

Sorry if I have neglected this blog for quite some time, especially without saying what I was up to. In fact, I have pretty much neglected my own life and I had dedicated my time during the past 5 days to playing this superbly entertaining and exciting game called The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. And I'm proud to say that I finished the game! =D



I did that without any external help from either a strategy guide book or online. I'm so happy of my accomplishment! =D Okay, I admit, Midna (an ingame main character) helped me a lot by telling me vague clues, but that's in the game itself! =P It feels so immensely satisfying to complete the puzzles ingame by yourself. I cannot believe I did it all on my own accord, so much so I've overtaken my brother's progress in a matter of a few days. (And being brothers, I took every opportunity to rub it in his face and go "Nyah nyah nyah! I'm better than you". =P) Hahaha! I can remember the last time when I played the previous The Legend of Zelda series, I had to frequently ask my brother how to progress from the difficulties I am stuck with. This time, I make sure that I exercised and made full use of my grey matter and scrutinized every nook and cranny in the game that, no matter how minor, is essential to progress the adventure further.

This game is seriously the bomb and it is incredibly addictive. I remember vividly that I was glued to the sofa in the living room for almost the whole day and with sweaty hands, I invested every ounce of energy manoeuvring my character. Wielding the sword and shield, with dexterity I try to kill, stab and slice gruesome monsters. I too use other weapons I acquire along the way to aid in my quest of killing bosses and overcoming obstructions that come along my way. Transforming into a wolf and back into a human is fun too and of course, not forgetting the few moments of getting stuck at a particular place for a good hour or two before I loudly utter an "Oh!" for not thinking or looking at the obvious and laugh at myself.

Those were the good old times (although they're just days ago). Time, at that time, played little significance in my life. The difference between day and night was blurred. Yes, the game was that engrossing! =O The only thought that was in my mind is the (mis)adventures of that game. I eat, drink and sleep Twilight Princess! =P

I am so glad I thought of picking up this game immediately when the school holidays begin! Otherwise, I would not be able to concentrate on the holiday homework and projects I need to complete. =( Maybe I should not be thinking of it, but starting tomorrow, I have to spend time with my work (or even showing at the very least some dedication to it). After all, it wouldn't be that fair if I concentrate more on my game than my work. Now, if only I could work as hard as I play! ;)

The Twilight Princess game has many qualities that has made it such a successful game in my eyes. One of the main reasons is that it teases your brain, a lot (there are basic physics involved =) ), but one's observation skill plays a major role in completing this game. You really have to open your eyes wide and take a good look around your character's surroundings. There are many little things out there which are hiding along somewhere, and they are crucial to your progress. And of course, you have to remember things.

I must say the storyline of that game is pretty good. It made a lot of sense and is completely relevant to the game. I have read better stories and watched better movies than that, but for a game, it's awesome! And it actually moved me; I can actually feel myself tearing up at the melancholy parts of the game. And oh how my heart beat in joy when the credits began rolling! =D The ending was what should be expected - a happy one, except for a sudden twist that happened right before the words "The End" flashed in the screen.

SPOILERS AHEAD! Do not read if you are thinking of playing this game, or you are currently playing it! Scroll down to END SPOILER a few paragraphs later.

I cannot believe Midna, revealed as the Princess of Twilight, actually looks ravishing and attractive when the curse was lifted from her. Compared to her previous impish looks, she definitely looks more beautiful and more womanly (I actually preferred her impish cute looks despite her beauty as a true Twili woman). I love her reply when Link was speechless as he feasted his eyes on her for the first time. It went "What? Am I so beautiful you have no words left?". *chuckle*

It was pretty disheartening when she decided to destroy the only link between Hyrule and the Twilight Realm. The tear she shed which I presumed was for Link (the character the player controls) headed for the Mirror of Twilight instead and it shattered for good. Being the true leader of her realm, only she had the power to do that. And she did.

And I thought she would be back. =( She was a really great character. She will truly be missed by me...

END SPOILER

I love how the game designers who created the wonderful world of Hyrule, especially the dungeons. It can be summed up in two words: "Pretty clever!". I admired the way how certain small things altogether can form the big picture. The fact that certain items can combine together to proceed into the game is just marvelous! However, my eyes had to endure agony to carefully look around the game environment to look for the missing piece of the puzzle.

My favourite dungeon is definitely Snowpeak Ruins, a rather dilapidated mansion where a Yeti couple resides, Yeta and Yeto (how cute!). Even before entering the mansion, I was so taken aback by the looks of Yeto when I first encountered him. He wasn't the big, scary yeti I have come to anticipate. He looks pretty harmless and his face exuberates joy and kindness. Whoah! I thought the mansion at first was going to be easy (hey, how hard can a house be) but boy, was I so wrong! It was terribly tough!

The adventures I had in their mansion is humorous! I was supposed to find a key but after Yeta, the sick yeti, gave me the wrong directions (to find ingredients for a soup her husband was boiling indeed! =P). The ending was pretty shocking. Yeta was possessed by a shard of the Mirror of Twilight and she became one gigantic scary monster. Totally unexpected! I mean, she looked harmless and cute initially! The end of the battle was sweet and romantic, with the couple hugging and Yeto declaring his love to his wife, affirming her that he'd rather love her than some stupid mirror. So I got the mirror (yay for me) and as the couple hug, many hearts floated out from them which I gladly collected to fill up my life. =) Very, very cute! Probably the most unique dungeon in the game! It's a big humorous relief from the seriousness of the dungeons I have been.

Following Snowpeak Ruins is Lakebed Temple. I love the architecture of that dungeon which relies on water and canals to complete the adventure. I wish I lived there! =) Another one is Temple of Time. Controlling statues is loads of fun! Another favourite of mine is Arbiter's Ground, for its weapon, the Spinner, and Hyrule Castle, also for its architecture and clever design in hiding the treasures!

I don't really play the mini-games that are seen as optional breaks away from the main adventure. Perhaps the one I like best is the Boat Rental Cabin where one rafts along the fast-flowing Zora River which cuts through a deep gorge. It was loads of fun and it brought back fond memories of me rafting with fellow friends on a trip last year. =)

Although it was difficult to get used to the graphics of the game (I was used to The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker game environment which uses cel-shaded animation, a lot cleaner and crisper), it looked more and more beautiful as I gained control over my character and my sense of direction. In fact, it looked very artistic!

In short, what am I trying to say here?

I highly recommend you guys to try out The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess! It's one of the best games out there (I don't play much games too) and it promises you countless hours of entertainment. Play it! But be forewarned that you might get really hooked on the game and forget about everything else. Don't play it when you have a lot of work to do. Play it if you have a few days of vacation. It's worth it! =)

[+] There's more!

I finally plucked my courage and took the deep dive without caring for the world around me. The deadline to hand in the 'O' Level registration forms are looming closer and I simply had to do something. So I did. I went to see her, the Deputy Principal. After much discussion (or rather, a very pleasant informal conversation =) ), the outcome was this:

that frolicsome kid: "May I drop the subject?"
Deputy Principal: "Yes, you may."

Thank goodness she was able to see how much fifth formers have to juggle! Bless her! =D Even though admitting my mistake was the hardest step for me, she nodded her head in agreement and surprisingly, she was glad to hear that. She said that the school wanted me to achieve excellent results in my eight subjects, not to get mediocre results in nine. I think eight is more than enough; there's a lot more to life I want to see at this time. =)

Immediately stepping out of her office which I initially thought was claustrophobic and unwelcoming, I flew into a state of euphoria! My happiness and relief cannot be described in words, after all, it was as if a super big burden has been removed off me! Now I can finally concentrate and focus on my life and studies. I cannot believe this one big problem was a hindrance and a distraction in my life.

They say the first step is always the hardest. I agree. After overcoming it (i.e. fear), things can only get easier. =)

Now to settle up some other things, like handing up my O Levels registration form, completing my ASEAN scholarship form (yes, I was given the consent by my parents to try! =D), sending back the money order to the eBay buyer of which the sale of my item was unsuccessful since last month(charges incurred in banking in the cheque costs more than the book itself!), returning a book I borrowed last year (!) from my friend etc. Things are definitely looking up now! =)

[+] There's more!