I was on the way to dinner with my siblings when the radio aired the song Seasons in the Sun. I stared out wistfully into the town buildings. As the song played and the first verse was sung, I thought of my best friend.

I cried. I weeped silently...

All those happy memories came flooding back. The good times we had in lower secondary years, the outing we had just now just filled my senses. I closed my eyes. My parents came into my vision. The sight of my mom laughing and hearing her signature laughter just soothes me. And I thought of my dad. My brothers. And my close friends. The good times we all had, the joys we shared, and the friendships we have.

I cherished those moments. I was shedding tears of joy that just streamed down my face. On the other hand, I feel sad and melancholy about it. I missed those moments, but I know there will be many more to come in the future.

I cried throughout the entire song. The memories were vivid and clear. I could feel as if I'm reliving those moments once again.

That is the first song which moved me. No song has ever aroused so much emotion from me before. However, it wasn't the first time I heard it, but at that time, it just moved me by bringing back memories from the past. The good ones which make my life so much more bearable.

And I really value the friendships I have with them. That's because they are real and tangible. I thank God for having these people in my life. Thank you... =)

[+] There's more!

I feel physically unhealthy. No, I'm not sick or anything, it's just that I have been lacking exercise for at least a few months. Ever since I have been diagnosed pneumothorax a couple of weeks ago, I haven't been going to swimming lessons. I am already lagging far behind class, especially since my mates have been undergoing intensive training for a swimming competition early this month. I've lost my stamina and my overall physical fitness.

To make matters worse, my brother himself did not even bother turning up for training lessons. He was insistently stubborn after reminding him a couple of times over and over. As a result, he wasn't put in to the competition. Now, I do not dare to show my face in the next class this Sunday as we will both be labelled as lazy. Heck, I don't even know whether we will be re-enrolled as we haven't confirmed our turn-up for this term since we did not go for swimming classes for some time. I can just imagine the angry look on my coach's face and the disappointment for our shoddy performance.

I do have a genuine reason because I was advised to stay out of the pool by the doctor, and furthermore, I had my mocks but somehow, I feel that such excuses cannot be tolerated. It shows that I am not ready to be fully committed to it. The sporadic attendances is a proof of it, plus my absence from the competition. I myself am willing to go for it were I in good shape. My brother just made things worse. Argh, I can't believe he is such a lazy bum (and I mean really lazy)! =( I am seriously annoyed with his lackadaisical attitude!

I wished I did swim a few laps in the stadium pool. However, I really do not want to trouble my driver. It's not only that, I doubt my mom would let me go since "the doctor advised me to stay away from pool for four to six weeks" even thought it's already the seventh/eighth week. Hey, while I was trying to carry my brother's luggage yesterday, my mom scolded me for lifting it. I was already pathetically weak for a guy, and to stop me from exerting my muscles, gosh, I think I could just rot into oblivion! I'm serious. Like how I'm not supposed to carry heavy objects with my left arm since I broke it when I was in Year 2. Come on, my bones have healed already! Will my bones actually crumble into dust due to the weight of the heavy objects? Of course not!

Thanks a lot. I bet my future wife will be stronger than me. I'm such a man! =(

Swim a few laps. If I can actually make a few laps. I hate my inactivity.

Just now, there was a perfect opportunity to get back into shape when after all those months, my neighbour started calling me again to play basketball. I thought it would be great, but after reading a friend's message of whether I used a lip balm or not and my neighbour's unsporting behaviour in basketball, I gave an excuse that I need to complete my homework. I feel really bad rejecting them over and over again, but I was holding back out of fear. =( At least my brother agreed to go.

I tried to distract myself by typing out notes on radioactivity as I was in a mood to study. I quited after five minutes as I scolded myself on missing the opportunity to get back in shape. I cursed and I decided to check out things discreetly. I was let down once again when my neighbour shouted for an uncalled foul, and the siblings then argued among themselves again. I shook my head in pity and just laid down on a bed, thinking how I will survive in the upcoming swimming class, and just feeling bad about myself in keeping unfit all these while.

I don't know why I am so reluctant to exercise. And yet, I want to keep fit. Sometimes I ask myself why am I so lazy and yet wanting to see results? What am I waiting for?

I don't even know why I'm feeling like this. I don't even understand why I have to worry over nothing. *gives a lost look*

[+] There's more!

It's bad enough that I have dry lips and have to rely on using a lip balm. Why must that accident have to happen? I shouldn't have brought that lip balm stick to school, let alone put it in the same pocket as my handkerchief. I shouldn't have gone down to eat! =O It's so embarrassing!

Must one of the two girls have to go all the way to my other blog and ask such a personal question? She left a message, "Do I use a lip balm?". Yeah, obviously, since you have already seen it with your eyes. As much as I wished it wasn't an illusion, it wasn't. It projects an impression that I, a guy, is metrosexual. I don't worry about my appearance excessively! I wished I have no dry lips. On that day, I must bring that stick to school and put it in the pocket. Woe is me!

I'm very embarrassed. How am I supposed to answer it? Tell the whole world that I depend on it? I'll be laughed at! Even at this moment, I can feel the malicious gossip about me spreading from one person to another, as if acting rather feminine isn't bad enough. Maybe I should just delete her message, but that would make things worse by indirectly denying it. I could say I have dry lips, but I sound really ridiculous and people will laugh at me and call me names. =(

It's stupid! Ahhhhh! Why me? =O I feel really self-conscious now.

I was in a mood to study after I came back from lunch but after seeing that message, I lost my motivation. I started worrying and despite genetics being an interesting topic, I kept thinking about her message. I wished she asked me privately instead of online.

I really don't know what to do now... =( Stupid lips!

[+] There's more!

I have been thinking a lot about the previous post I have written. Towards the end, I reflected on the moment spent with a friend of mine. I have been thinking about where do I want exactly want to stand in the relationship, close-knit friendship or perhaps even something more. I shouldn't have spilled it to my keeper of secrets friend either. She was absolutely shocked when I told her via writing. To be honest, I felt really strange and weird (no, no, not the lovey-dovey flip flops, but more of a disgusted one).

I've been thinking about me and him, and to be honest, I would feel pretty unnatural about the whole complexities. I tried picturing it in my head, and I can't. It's not right for me. I tuned in to my inner thoughts, my subconscious me, and asked, "Is this what I really want?" He said no. And I understood. Because it isn't what I want. It's not right for me. I have confused between friendship and romance, and the boundary was somehow blurred. Besides, I really doubt he fancies me in an absolutely different way. He won't reciprocate my feelings. I bet he will flee as far away from me as possible.

I thought about it again over lunch. I don't think it will work out. I dislike that thought very much. I really do want to be close to him, but to be that close, no thanks! Too awkward, too strange, not right for us! Suddenly, the phrase "Do the right thing" rang in my head. And I think not taking any step further from friendship is exactly the right thing. It benefits the both of us.

The inner me smiled. =)

And it took only a day for me to clarify my feelings? Yeah, it seemed really fast but I had enough time to think. And this time, I feel comforted by that fact. I adhere to this quote by Grandmother Willow from Disney's Pocahontas:

Listen with your heart, you will understand.

- Grandmother Willow

[+] There's more!

Beware! This blog post is pretty text-heavy! Images will not accompany the text because I ran out of inspiration! Heehee!

Many pleasant events have taken place during the last few days. I feel really glad to experience them! =) Many of them deal with relationships. I just feel so loved and wanted. I'm really happy! I'm ecstatic to know I have many close friends. No, I don't mean a thousand or a million! =O Sure, I've got probably a few but that's plenty enough for me. Yahoo!

Before I delve into the subject of friendships, do you remember about the piano exam I had the other day? It turns out that it went quite well. It's definitely far from perfect, but I'm slightly optimistic about passing the exam! I'd still say that despite the fact that I had completely messed up my A1 exam piece (I murdered it! =P) due to nerves. *sigh* There were some slips in my scales, again due to nerves and carelessness.

But what I'm quite proud out is my accomplishment of sight-reading rather fluently! =D It's definitely much more easier than the normal practices my teacher drilled me in. There were minimal chords in it. I failed to obey the dynamics and the tempo but it came out decently. I'm really happy with it. And it is the first time I am actually hopeful that my sight-reading section can help pull my marks out. My aural however is a different story. I seriously have unmusical ears! =P I think I flunked my section. In one part of the aural, I was asked to sight-sing. I completely babbled random Do-Re-Mi notes. I wouldn't if the beat wasn't so fast! The examiner had already finished playing while I was still halfway singing in vain. =|

According to a friend, results will be released sometime next week. That's extremely fast and I hope he is really wrong! =P I hope the two years' work pays off. =)

I doubt I was actually concentrating in school that day itself. I spent half the day worrying about my exam while I spent the rest sharing my experience with my friends and simply rejoicing that I survived the ordeal. What an accomplishment! =D I won't be touching the piano for about a fortnight. No more playing the same three songs and scales over and over again. =D It drives me crazy!

That wasn't it on Monday. One of my close friends had a surprise for me - she announced to me that my birthday present was ready and she gave me after school. I was elated even though it was pretty early. Well, she told me it wouldn't be so nice to present me the present on my day itself since I'll be having an oral exam (what a bummer, huh?). I thanked her profusely and gladly accepted it. =)

To be honest, I wasn't thinking about it that much on the way home since I was too busy relieving the experience. However, as I approached home, I began to feel excited about opening the present. No, I wasn't patient enough to wait until my birthday. And why wait? =P Hee hee hee! So I opened. I really like her choice of gifts (note the plural). ;) They are really cute! I placed them in the respective places. However, one thing stood out among the paraphernalia. It wasn't expensive either, but to me, it is priceless.

A message.

Do you have any idea how I longed to get a message, an actual, physical message, from a friend (besides greeting cards)? No one has done that for a long time! I felt terribly touched by what she had written there, about how we became close together and some nice thank-you messages for me. But most importantly, how glad she is to have me as a friend. I could have cried if I were more sensitive. =) I mean, it really means a lot to me to hear that. It just makes me feel warm inside, comforted by the thought that I have a true friend. Well, honestly, I am glad to meet her and befriend her as well. Sure, we may have our differences. She may not be perfect. I'm not too. We overlooked our imperfections and concentrated on the good ones.

I'm so glad to have such a friend. =) Words themselves cannot describe my appreciation. Thank you for the message. It really made my day. And you have made me feel special in your eyes. =)

I will treasure that message in my memory box. Yes, I do have one! There really isn't much inside. It's mostly birthday cards, greetings and photos (which aren't many). Yeah, it's kind of my secret desire to receive meaningful messages from friends once in a while. Okay, it's not on the top of my wishlist. You know what I mean, right? Sometimes, when you're feeling down or bored, you'll just sift through your memory box or messages (or whatever really!) to remind yourself that you are special in someone's eyes. And those are really comforting facts.

Come Tuesday, I wasn't expecting anyone to divulge her secrets to me. I am not as close to this person as other close friends. The day before, I politely asked her for passwords to her secret blog posts in Wordpress since I'm quite "inquisitive" myself. ;) Hahaha! Anyway, I have not got a response from her until Tuesday afternoon (nor do I want to bring up the subject matter). So I went online and managed to catch her. She must be psychic that I wanted the passwords without me saying much except "Hi!". =O Then, I made a small comment regarding her blog posts. And well, I felt joyous to know that I am trustworthy enough to let her confide her secret. (I love secrets!)

She began to talk about her relationship problems with a certain guy. And she thinks it's girl talk. I don't think so! I think guys do talk about relationship problems too. At least I will. ;) So yes, we chatted. It was pretty interesting to listen to her problems. It wasn't so funny actually (well, she and I kept laughing probably because she made it sound quite hilarious). =P It was kind of weird to know that even though I eavesdropped that morning and overheard her best friend hinting on a certain someone. Truthfully, it sounds weird she have been liking that guy for quite a long time. I guess those are what you call secrets.

Pardon me for making a weird analogy to The Sims 2, but after being her listener to her secrets, it sort of boosted our relationship points by a lot. And I mean a lot! I think secrets are built upon a foundation of trust. And maybe as you know more about the person, the trust grows and people will forge really close together. It really reminds me of how I first divulged my crush to a mutual friend. Guess what? We're now really close and it has gone to the extend that I really trust her enough to let her in on this blog. We both now voraciously share secrets. It's really fun. But at the same time, it brings us even more closer together after gaining more understanding of each other. It's funny how secrets shared lead from one thing to another, huh? =)

You know, that next day, she told me that she too keep a secret diary which is shared among herself and her close friend. I was dumbfounded and even more when she told me I have actually seen the book before! It so does not look like a diary! =O So when I saw her this morning writing on it, I smiled. She smiled. We understood. =D It's really cool to know something which no one else knows! Hehehe! I'm sure she will agree when she reads this. =P

Anyway, today I had my oral exam today. English, to be exact. It went well. =) It was like having a tea with friends. Okay, that's a bit exaggerated, but it felt like a casual conversation. I was clearly nervous though. =S It was rather similar to my mock orals I had the other day. I think I owe that success to this blog! Seriously, I learned a lot from here on expressing myself better to people. I find it kind of enjoyable to say personal stuffs to strangers. It's like an amazing feeling! Really, I enjoyed it. The funny thing is that I was talking about this big dilemma which happened just recently when I got such a topic. It was very coincidental. I had no idea how such a confusing situation can serve as a base for my topic! Really! =P

The Malay orals, however, is a completely different story. The topics usually do not touch a personal level. And that is kind of disadvantageous to me, combined with the fact that I have yet to gain fluency in that language. This will come later anyway.

That morning during English, I cannot believe that I was commended on my Commonwealth essay. This is my first time to receive merit for my composition, and I'm terribly happy! I have always wished my Commonwealth essays were given some form of recognition and I finally got one. Yippee! =D Horray! Horray! *does a dance*

Biology today was a pretty sad period. Everyone have just gotten back their Paper 2s, and almost everyone wore a sad look. I wanted to claim half a mark actually due to marking errors but after combining my papers together, it doesn't make any difference to my average. Furthermore, it gives the impression to people that I'm a marks-eating monster who keeps on the lookout for marks. I feel really bad to claim more marks even when I'm the highest. I feel sorry for my friend above who got me the present as she hasn't done as well as she had thought. Furthermore, she has got gastric and I really don't want to further upset her. I shrugged it off since I feel bad whether or not I claim marks. I claimed later when I found out I could get an additional half a mark. This probably will influence my average, but I'm not bothered about recalculating it!

Sometimes, it's not easy to be the top in the class. People feel jealous. Okay, I admit, I feel jealous when my peers, especially my academic rivals, do better than me and I usually vow to get them back. However, my procrastinating habit sets me back and the vicious cycle of jealousy keeps on looping. =( Sometimes, I wish I could just accept the fact I'm never always the best. It would make my life easier a little bit.

During recess, while I was feasting on my beef rendang, something embarrassing happened! I was so freaked out by it. When I was pulling out my handkerchief from my pocket, a lip balm stick flew out and landed on the floor with a "Clink!", right in front of two Year 8 girls. My eyes widened in horror and my heart thumped really fast. I was silently cursing myself for being so careless and with my handkerchief, I quickly hid it and brought it into my pocket rather nonchalantly and continued reading the notice board. It was terribly embarrassing, whoever have heard of a guy carrying a lip stick in his pocket (that was the impression given! =( )? I need it because I have dry lips, but still. I bet they were gossiping next to me while I found a distraction. Why hadn't I go away? =O

Anyway, after school, before my orals, I hung out with a guy friend of mine. I enjoyed talking to him. When I saw him looking at the notice board at the foyer with bored look, I invited him to eat with me in class. So we did, and we were in class alone enjoying our food. I don't really remember what we talked about though. I just enjoyed the moment. You know, I really want to go out and have some fun with him. So I hinted (Lol!) that we eat at a local Japanese restaurant when we have our next orals, since school lets out early due to the Ramadhan fasting month for the Muslims. And he said he will think about it.

After that, we just wandered around the school courtyard since the library was closed. Then we met the examiners and I was kind of scared when I saw one of them was a native speaker. I was kind of afraid I wouldn't be able to understand what he says. I was acting strangely nervous when he spoke to me. Sheesh, the exam has not even started and I already gave a bad impression. =O

So anyway, after chilling out, we went up to the examination hall with the others. The exam started rather early, so before it started, my friend went to look for a toilet to gel his hair. I mean, is that necessary? =P Okay, so we found a small toilet in the top floor and we both went in and he gelled his hair.

"What am I rambling? Why are you telling me such a boring story about you and him?", you may ask. Guys, I know this sounds really, really strange. Should I really go on? I think I better continue the story. So we both went in, and he gelled his hair. My heart pounded as we went in and I began to ramble nonsense and ask stupid questions. Like "I don't know how to gel my hair. How do you gel yours?"

You may think I'm insane and crazy to suddenly be so unlike me. I don't know guys, but I think of this fellow in a ... different way. I don't know why I feel like this. Normally, when I hang out with a bunch of guys, I don't feel giddy and funny. Somehow, I was like that. I really don't know. I'm so confused. No, I don't want to be orientated differently from the rest. It's not doing me any good. I like girls, as you can see from my crushes.

I don't normally get nervous when I talk to him. Maybe a couple of times, I feel strange but it wasn't as bad as just now. It's just ... so wrong, I tell you! He's really ... I don't know. Just catches my fancy. I have no idea why either. It was a pretty awkward moment for me. Oh my gosh, I just don't know!

And he usually copies my homework too!

Am I confusing between friendship and romance? I think I am. Maybe I just want to know him better as a friend. Like be close, but not that close. Or maybe I just want something more than being just close friend, or even a best friend... Hmm...?

NO WAY!!!! =O

Whatever it is, I really hope this feeling will pass. And I have absolutely no intent in telling him this. There is no way I'm going to jeopardise our friendship just because of my confusion. I'll keep it to myself, and with you guys.

This is so confusing and illogical. I wish I could be just like an ordinary teenage boy at times. Sorry if that kind of thing turns you off.

By the way, I just want to apologise for not living up to the purpose of my blog recently. It's just that I'm tired and there really isn't much going on nowadays. Furthermore, I'll be too pooped from a long day at school. I really hope you guys understand. I'm really sorry...

[+] There's more!

@ 12.09 pm...

In less than 24 hours, I'll be heading into that claustrophobic exam room and sitting for my piano practical exam. I'm scared; I'm really scared that I get so nervous and jittery, my hands shake and vibrate and I'll mess up my preparation! =( I hate it when that happens. Vibrating hands may be good to produce vibrato in violin, but not in piano! What if I fail, again? No...

I'm beginning to doubt that my 2 hours daily practices are enough. Maybe I need more, like 5 hours. Unfortunately, I know I can't because my attention span cannot stretch so far. And I have the feeling that I'll mess up even more because I get careless and lost in my thoughts. I even get distracted by an hour of playing, let alone five! How much is enough? Am I asking for too much?

I may play well now, but when it comes to the real thing, funny errors and slips will start to pop up. That will then trigger more mistakes and in the end, it'll be one vicious cycle of errors! I just want to do well, that's all. A pass will do and I'll be really happy.

Okay, you know what? I can't stand the wait. All I want is to get over it and play as well as how I practice. That's all it matters. Just play well and get over it. And never again.

*sigh*


Updated: 10:30 pm

Below are the links to my exam pieces:

1. A1 - Allegro, by Handel (Baroque music)


2. B1 - Esquisse, by Gliere (Romantic - Contemporary music)


3. C1 - For Johnny Mehegan, by Leonard Bernstein (21st Century Jazz)

My camera was the mock examiner and surprisingly, I was less nervous than last time, but still nervous. I remembered last time how I quivered when I tried recording my songs. Despite I telling myself there's no one around to watch me, I suddenly feel so self-conscious. I still am, and it isn't a pleasant feeling. But I did it! =D I'm feeling rather optimistic now and I really hope all goes well tomorrow.

Oh, guess what? I just realise you can directly embed videos in blog posts. >.< How nice! I should have made such serendipity earlier. =P

[+] There's more!

Although I feel "quite prepared" for the piano exam I'll be sitting in a few days time, I keep on thinking that my preparation isn't quite enough. An hour a day only since Monday isn't going to cut the cake. (I do practice for at least 3 - 5 days every week way before the exams of course.)

The intensive practices I am having are so far so good. My scales improved tremendously and I'm really glad it did. My fingers finally cooperated with my brain. Thank goodness the neurone pathways have been established. =D My pieces too are hopefully up to standard, with the exception of the last jazz piece which is agitated, dynamic and short (really short, around 40 seconds)! Despite its key is in C major, the presence of accidentals and the chords makes things tough. And as if that wasn't enough, the piece just has to sound bad! Oddly enough, it sounds the best out of all the bad-sounding pieces of the last piece section.

I am so tired of playing them over and over again. Yes, only a couple more days left before I can forget them and move on! But really, I'm sick of it. I had wanted to practice more than the 20 minutes practice just now, but I was tired. I have read and experienced that I shouldn't practice when I'm tired as it will actually make them worse. Then again, I feel insecure about my upcoming exam performance. Will I scrape at least a pass?

Sure, I may be adequately prepared for these two aspects of my exam but I have to leave sight-reading and aural sections to God. Oh goodness, I absolutely dread sight-reading! I'm a bad music reader; I'm as good as a child who has just begun his music lessons. Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a little but my sight-reading skills set me back many grades behind. It's not that I can't read musical notations, I'm just a slow reader. It's like one who reads every letter instead of the whole word. This is especially true when it comes to chords. I have to scrutinize and analyse the chord which can take me up to ten seconds to recognise, go "Oh!" and press the keys. Oh man! Even the sight-reading sessions I have during piano lessons did not help much. I'm also intimidated to even sight-read random manuscripts at home. My playing will be so atrocious I can barely go on! =(

Like I have a choice not to sight-read for the exam! =P I have gritted my teeth and sight-read these couple of days. Even if 2 sight-reading pieces are involved a day. I just hope on the day itself, I can coax the piano to play for me. Sufficiently enough to garner me a pass in that section. Lol!

I'm glad that after this, I am under no obligation to pursue Grade 8 piano exams immediately. My teacher is all right with that. =) *phew* It's just that I need to do more exploration with different musical pieces, not just the exam pieces. Plus, I need more practice and experience (as well as improve my sight-reading) before I can call myself a "Grade 8 pianist". There's a lot more to do and I myself know I don't fit the Grade 8 criteria, let alone Grade 7 or 6.

I hope I won't end up nervous on the real day. I really don't want to recall the day when I failed my Grade 5 practical. I don't even know what was wrong with me at that time. No nerves, no nerves! No finger slips! No blank out! You have gone through this six times, the seventh time will still be the same.

Right? =(

I just want to get over it, for Pete's sake! Gahhh! =O I will play to my heart's content on that day, and let music instead of words be my expression. To let the mood of the music convey my expression. I hope that works! Wish me luck! =O

[+] There's more!

An outing today with two of my good friends almost went horribly wrong when there was an unexpected phone call for me yesterday afternoon. I croaked a hello and I was quite nervous to hear an unfamiliar voice over the line. I wondered who she was. She called in to inform me that I had won in a science essay writing competition.

Yippee, I was overjoyed! After a few years of writing for that competition in vain, I finally won something. I was very surprised that I have won because I was pretty sure I did not write well for it. I think it was one of my worse compositions. =\ I began to ask a string of incredulous questions to confirm what she had said. And I was quite embarrassed that I was behaving rather "unofficially". After realising that, I composed myself and asked more seriously when is the prize-giving ceremony. Guess what was her response?

Oh, it will be held at some school. Tomorrow (okay). In the afternoon (wait, did she say it was in the afternoon? Oh no!).

I apologised frantically and told her it was not possible because I have an outing to go. I have been looking forward to it since it was planned quite some time ago and besides, I am itching to watch Ratatouille! =( She was sorry to hear that but I was instructed to be there. I did not have much of a choice there, so I uttered a weak yes and waited for her to hang up.

I was really lost. No, it isn't possible! I simply cannot miss the outing. Instinctively, I ran up the stairs and signed in to Windows Live Messenger, hoping to find her online. She was, and I immediately told her the bad news. Needless to say, she did not take it quite well. She suggested that I send a representative and skip the whole thing. As much as I want to, I can't. I simply do not want to take the trouble to beg or coerce someone to go in my place while I recline on the cinema chair and laugh at a funny moment in Ratatouille. That's pretty unfair. I know this sounds pretty ridiculous, but I would like to get my own hands on the prize. To be pretty honest, it would be really strange to see my name being represented by someone else in the newspaper tomorrow. It would be funny. (In my country, the media usually publishes interesting reports on such a monotonous fanfare an event!)

I wasn't able to answer her when she asked what would I do. I was groaning out of sheer frustration. Not again! I thought I have been through this already two days ago. I think once is more than enough. So I stared at the screen looking dumbfounded as I scanned for solutions and ideas. I wanted to strike up a compromise, but I have a feeling it won't compromise well. I entered panic mode again. I was breathing hard and the world around me cease to exist. My problems are getting amplified and I was heading no where. "This is crazy! I need to talk to someone! Anyone!"

I was hoping a guardian angel would sign in, but alas, it didn't. I was hopping in frustration and fear. I kept asking myself the same question. As much as I disliked doing it, I have to ask for my best friend's help again. *groan* It's not that I hated doing that, it's just that I did not want to trouble him again. What can I do? It's either that or turn psychotic myself! And I spilled all my troubles to him. It took a few minutes, but after my spillage, I was so surprised that I actually ran out of words to say. *chuckle*

He suggested me to do the same thing as well. To go ahead with my original plan. Tell her that I can still make it for lunch but I have to leave for the ceremony after that. I contemplated about it and other possible solutions but that was what I have got. It's the best so far. Besides, she would be understanding about it if she really is my friend. Besides, I can't help it. It's the other party which is at fault for telling me the day before the real thing! =O (At least, that is what those two convinced me.) Well, thank goodness she is. And how was I supposed to know she thought I would be away the whole time? I laughed out of sheer comfort. =D It was really great to have her as a friend. I had no idea what I was fearing of.

Do I?

At least I bought time. Time must have cooled things a bit. To allow both of us to collect our thoughts properly. I'm glad things work out in the end. But to go through this again? Oh no! I had enough excitement with friends for a week!

The outing was fun! =) The one thing that is most memorable to me are the hugs from the birthday girl. One was for getting her a pretty cool gift (horray, she likes it!) and the other one was before I left. You know, as much as I avoid hugs, I secretly love them. I don't know, but I feel kind of comforted and loved (not in the romantic sense) when I get hugged. And I don't know how to put it, but in a way, it strengthens the bond and the trust you have with the other person.

I sure would like to relive the moments again.

I'm a guy, however, and I don't get hugged by friends. It would be great to. *smiles*

I do not remember much about the ceremony. I only remember having this thought, "What am I doing here on a Monday afternoon during a school holiday going for a silly prize-giving ceremony? I could have gone to catch the movie instead!". When I entered the hall, I asked myself, "What are all these people doing here on a Monday afternoon during a school holiday? And aren't the adults supposed to be working?" (Yeah, I have funny thoughts!)

I was really glad Nicholas Sparks entertained me throughout the entire ceremony. He's a really awesome writer, and it makes the whole thing so much more bearable. Man, I immediately regretted going for it, and I wished that I called for a representative to take my place so that I can go watch Ratatouille. Never mind about him having to suffer! =D Dang, I hate having a guilty conscience at times! =P

I do not mean to sound so nasty about that event, but I really think it wasn't worth my time. Despite that, it was quite a good day for me. I'm glad I did not spend a lot of time near the computer. =P

[+] There's more!

After some encouragement from my best friend, I plucked out my courage and decided to approach her directly asking her whether she was mad at me or not. I hesitantly pressed enter. She said she wasn't mad at me and she actually forgot the chat that took place last night. Apparently, it was all in my imagination. Darn it for going overboard! =) It always happens. I so hate paranoia. =P

When I told her the reason why I thought she was angry, she laughed her head off! =D I was so relieved but slightly perturbed that she was laughing at my suffering. =P It does not matter. I'm really glad she treats me a very close friend. And that she wouldn't dream of disliking me just because of that.

For that, I'm really grateful to have a really good friend like her. Oh, this blog post may sound strange. Well, to keep a long story short, I misunderstood her words, something that happens to me when I talk to people online. Maybe that explains why I don't really like chatting with people via IM even though it is a good vehicle of communication.

Yes, this explains why the blog post below was short and abrupt. I deleted the meat of it because it was not relevant anymore. And I certainly did not want to remember it! =) Cheers, people. Have a great weekend!

[+] There's more!

I was so scared I nearly cried when I added another close friend in my refugee e-mail and was sort of crying for help. It progressed from there to ranting to something else. And I did something I will probably not do again.

I told her about this blog. A blog which I have kept secret from everybody who I know. I gave her the URL. I don't know why I did it, but I trust her a lot and I really feel that she should know about this. I hope that she will guard this secret of mine very fiercely (she will).

Since it is getting quite late, I will end here for today. It is a rather abrupt end, but my thoughts are disorientated now. I'll see you guys soon. I'm having my term holiday now anyway.

P.S. For the sake of privacy, the date of this post was changed.

[+] There's more!

I think I have finally found a motivation to excel in my mocks. This is it! Are you ready?



Hoo boy! It doesn't get better than this. Behold, ladies and germs, Palm TX! Notice the amazing geometry and solid piece of technology. It's perfect from every angle. Sleek, beautiful and black. It's so much better than a mobile phone - it doesn't ring! =D

The local newspaper yesterday featured an article on the Sony Reader. Initially after reading it, I actually wanted a Sony Reader (an e-book device). I thought it will be nice to purchase good e-books from the Internet instead of relying on Amazon.com or going to the Australian Borders branch during my December holidays (I hate waiting! =P). Lugging 10+ books back home is no easy task! Besides, the bookshelf at home ran out of space.

Unfortunately, it is only available for sale in the United States. (I wonder why they feature that article if that's the case.) Many months will have passed before it hits the local market and by then, a new version could have probably come out. It may be cheaper than a Palm TX but too bad it's monofunctional. It is great to read an e-book for a long period of time without worrying of dead battery, but it is worth spending a few hundred dollars on a device which I can only read an e-book?

So I decided to procrastinate sacrifice my study time to look for a perfect computer device which is small and light enough to read e-books while I can still perform other things using it. Naturally, PDAs fit the criteria. So I went wiki-ing for devices as well as window shopping at Amazon.com.

I found Palm Z22 which is more affordable. However, the local online e-store does not sell it. However, of all PDAs, they are selling a Palm TX, which is No. 1 on the Palm bestseller list in Amazon.com. I cannot believe my luck and utter joy. And it's a steal as well. It's cheaper than the list price at Singapore. (By the way, it's sold for about US$330.)

I can't believe it. I am so tempted to use my mom's credit card and make a purchase immediately when I thought why not make it as a source of motivation? If I can score good results, then I will burn a hole in my pocket and buy myself the Palm TX.

And that's that. I so desire one now!

Being a smart shopper, I did a little research on this nifty technological gizmo. There were rave reviews about it. Of course, it can display e-books, it is a diary planner and has all those calendar options (I like it! I keep a diary planner for the purposes of homework) and the battery can last for a good decent hours.

Getting a Palm TX comes with a hefty price. I shall write an amateur poem to describe my predicament:
Aggregate: 18
A2s and B4s
3 of each
coupled with moolah
Palm TX
Glittery and shiny
Then only it shall be mine
Mine, mine, mine!

N.B. A2 = 85 to 89; B4 = 75 to 79. Aggregate is the sum of the numeric grades of one's best six subjects.

So it doesn't rhyme, but hey it gets the message across. So I better buckle up and start working for it. I want to be a proud owner of Palm TX! It's pretty materialistic of me, but I'm really desperate.

On the other hand, I think it's kind of impossible because I haven't been studying much lately. I'm slackening off so badly. I wonder what's wrong with me. =(

Anyway, come to think of it, I have never had a source of motivation to study. This is my first time to study for something - to get a reward in the end. This time, my reward does not only come in the form of good grades and pride, but also, for the love of Palm TX.

Wish me luck!

P.S. If you are a user of Palm TX, tell me what you think of it. ;) Do you think I should get another PDA other than Palm TX?

[+] There's more!

The car zoomed by at high speed. Leaves were blown away and rustled into the night air. The silence of the night was broken by gales of laughter from the passengers in the car who had had some drinks. They were heading home after a great night of drinking just over the border.

They prattled and joked among themselves in a rather rowdy way. The group of young teenagers enjoyed a heighten feeling of temporary ecstasy. However, the driver did not join in the conversation, instead he tried to focus on his driving. His senses is starting to numb, and without realising it, he stepped on the pedal too hard. The needle in the speedometer shot to the red zone. He was not able to see it as he tried in vain to focus on the curve in the road that was fast approaching. His vision blurred and he didn't know where he was heading.

The more sober guy widened his eyes as he pointed at the oncoming crash barrier. They were approaching towards it dangerously fast! An air of ominousness shrouded the car. The driver quickly came to his senses and acted on his reflexes. He braked as hard as he could, but it was all too late. The car crashed on impact, rolling over many times. Unearthly screams came from the boys as they wrestled with death.

And then, silence...

About 2 a.m., the lovely cousin was excitedly observing a game of poker. She laughed when her boyfriend whined about his bad hand. The players chuckled upon hearing him, knowing maybe this time, they could stand a chance. The mobile phone whirred suddenly, and he casually picked up the phone. He opened the message, and could not believe what he had just read. He darted his eyes at every word in disbelief, hoping that it was some sort of a sick, twisted joke. His mouth was wide open in horror.

His girlfriend flashed a look of concern. "Baby, what's wrong?"

He hesitated for a moment. "Your cousin... he died in a car accident just now," he croaked.

There was shock, disbelief and horror. Seconds passed painfully as the message seared the heart of the cousin. Her boyfriend immediately excused himself and escorted his girlfriend back home. Tears streaked down her face and she sobbed miserably. Her dear cousin, gone. But how, why? Questions remained unanswered and there was nothing she could do. She was 2000 miles away from home...

As much as I wished it was an essay for a school assignment, it isn't. Sadly, it's a real-life incident. It all happened in the wee hours of this morning. Two of the passengers perished in the car accident while the other three is under intensive care. The cousin and her boyfriend mentioned was actually my elder brother and his girlfriend. He was her favourite cousin of hers, and according to my brother via SMS, she was extremely devastated to hear the news.

She isn't alone. Her entire family is grieving for his sudden departure. The most affected one is his mother who I've heard is very fond of his son. At first, when my mother told me the news, chills went down my spine. I responded with a rude "Huh?", prompting her to repeat what she had said, unwilling to believe it the first time. She received a message early this morning about his death, and by that time, the funeral was taking place. It is already over now, his corpse is already buried in the cemetery.

It's too fast, it's all too fast! I cannot believe it! =( He is... he is so young. He shouldn't just die just like that. It's so unfair! I still remember vividly his visit to our house together with my brother's girlfriend's (whom I shall refer to as my sister from now) family. I can still remember his cheery voice. He was a fine and handsome young lad! What I admire most about him was his strong dedication to lose weight. The last time I saw him, he was pretty fat. The next time I saw him, I simply couldn't believe the tall and built guy was him!

I was further saddened by the fact that he is of the same age as me. For Pete's sake, he will be sitting for his O Levels this November with me and soon be a high school graduate! What the hell? Just one accident, and that spells the end! He didn't get the chance to complete his secondary education. Heck, he didn't have the chance the live and enjoy his life until a ripe old age! =(

Oh my God...

Although I am not that close to him, I've gotten to know him over the years as a really great and charming guy who knows how to have fun. I heard that he's bright too. I didn't know that the last conversation I had with him is our last. What a sad way to leave Earth. I'm terribly sorry... =( My condolences to my sister's family.

Thank you for touching the lives of people around you for the past 17 years. You will be dearly missed and always remembered by your loved ones.


He was one of the passengers in the car. Police are still investigating the causes. The story above is not accurate as it is a product of my imagination, but the basic facts are there. According to my sister's father, it was inferred to be caused by drunk driving. It was suspected that they hopped over the border and had a drink session before coming back home (my country bans alcoholic beverages from being sold in public). The driver could have been drunk while driving. It was a self-accident.

I cannot imagine this had actually taken place. Drunk driving robs away the lives of the innocent. I plead to you people! Please, do not ever drink and drive! Get someone to drive you home or call a taxi. Don't risk your lives, or others, by driving when you are drunk.

It's not worth drinking and driving!

And it goes to say that you should not drive when you're tired too. I recall vividly an advertisement that was always aired on the British Capital 95.8 that goes something like this:

(in a drowsy tone) The monotony of driving is sending you to sleep. Monotony of driving is sending you to sleep. Driving is sending to sleep. Sleep...

Crash!! ...

Please drive carefully.

*sigh* Rest in peace, my friend.

[+] There's more!

I am not doing well these days. =( Things have been going rather downhill lately. The written mocks are a fortnight away and I have yet to begin real, intensive revision. Somehow, I lost the mood to study and to do anything. It is as if I am rebelling against the examinations system when I normally have no qualms about it!

Physically, my body is not cooperating with me. Just when I demand good health while studying. Apparently, I have not taken enough measures to ensure that my physique is in top shape. Last week, our school organised a run. I should have bought a new pair of running shoes; the current pair is too tight for my big feet even though I normally wear size 9.5. My toes had to suffocate and suffer from injuries as they are cramped together in the tight space. As a result, two of my toenails (next to the big toe) are traumatised from the constant impacts of the shoes and they broke. One became detached from the nail bed, and other one bled and later became detached.

I was really shocked to see the throbbing toes and I was, and still am, shocked when I realise I'm going to lose both of them. Just now, I clipped away the entire left toe as it was painful (when coming in contact with the floor, or when I try to bend it). It's bearable but it was starting to bug me. Furthermore, it was already oozing pus (?). So reluctantly, after googling for advices (which weren't helpful), I made the hectic decision of clipping the whole nail to the cuticle. I was frightened by the slight ease of cutting it away without pain. Now, my nail bed is exposed and can any time be invaded by bacteria or fungi. I immediately regretted my decision, and I lamented about my ludicrousness. =(

I'm paranoid that I have cut away the nail root too and I will be stuck without a nail at that toe forever! I look at the now nail-less toe longingly to have the nail back. I feel vulnerable seeing the exposed pinkish nail bed, which looks sensitive. Just great! And it still slightly hurts too when walking, and watery, clear pus still ooze out from within the cuticle. How totally absurd!

I decided to remove the other detached nail too but however, I was pleasantly surprised to see a new, hard nail growing beneath the dead, crusty detached nail. It does not look pretty, but I'm glad that I've already got a new nail there. It must have been growing when that nail was partially broken a few months ago. That surprise finding itself lifted my spirits up a little but there are many factors out there which hampered my satisfaction with life lately.

Missing nails are just a minor concern. My chest throbs with pain whenever I sit, stand, move or lie down. It began rather suddenly yesterday when I came back from school. I was sitting on the sofa about to have my tea when suddenly, my right pectoral muscles began to hurt like hell. I was squirming with pain at the sudden cram. My mother questioned my sudden awkward behaviour. I assured her there was nothing wrong with me, when in reality it was painful! Knowing her, she fiercely makes sure I recover from whatever illnesses and pains by bulk feeding me with health products. I hate it. I do not believe in health products although the company was trustworthy! She also gives all the unneeded attention to me, thinking that I'm incapable of doing "ordinary tasks", and strictly ensures that I'll get my rest in bed.

To make matters worse, the pain increased substantially in the next few minutes and I simply had to tell her about it. I was afraid that it could develop into something rather serious. The timing to have such injuries is bad. Must it happen so close to my mocks?

My pectorals were massaged using an ointment which relieves muscle cramps. Thankfully, the pain subsided, but not a lot. My chest was still painful and memories of a previous experience of this "injury" came flooding back in my memory. I remembered enduring the pain when my parents were not at home. It was assumed that there was bad blood circulation. The symptoms were the same: there was "something" inside the chest that moved slightly whenever I moved, aching my right chest. I don't know how to describe it. If I hadn't remember wrongly, the pain will have subsided in the next couple of days.

And so, my parents once again reinforced the fact that I should not carry heavy things. Hey, I'm a guy and I am already pathetically weak, and you're asking me not to lift things? How was I supposed to build at least "some" muscle? What are they thinking? I'm already soft! Great, thank you!

I know that maybe the way I carried the table yesterday morning may not be right. But must the pain come much later after that? I had the feeling that it has nothing whatsoever to do with the pain.

Oh, I am so confused! I just want the pain to be rid of as soon as possible. It's not nice to breathe shallowly to avoid feeling the pain and having to move in pain constantly.

What more, I'm doing shoddily in school and revision. I do not get organic chemistry, radioactivity and vectors (Mathematics). The last few chapters of the syllabi are ridiculously difficult to comprehend. I seriously question how well I will fare for my mocks. I am going to jeopardise my future applications to sixth form schools if my mocks results are mediocre... =(

I'm procrastinating badly. I'm sick of it. I just want to revise properly this time. I told myself that already, why aren't I fulfilling my own wishes? =(

[+] There's more!

Lately, I am becoming more and more involved in my schoolwork. First and foremost is the computer coursework, which I can safely say I have completed 50% of it. My turmoil doesn't just end there. I have signed myself up voluntarily (woe is me for doing that!) to participate in an oratory speech contest and a debate. Even though it begins in a few days time, I have not done any work on that. My mind has been engulfed by thoughts of computer coursework, computer coursework, computer coursework! It's terrible, I tell you. =(

Relaxation nowadays is a luxury, if not, I was forced to take some. It feels sickening because I'm paranoid that it will eat up precious time which could instead be used for doing the coursework. Handing it up next week does not spell the end yet! I have to spend roughly 3 weeks on my upcoming mocks. I can't believe I will abuse my brain and try to cram as much as I can. 2 years' work in 2-3 weeks. I seriously wonder how I will manage...

By the way, the October/November Cambridge GCE O Level examinations schedule is out! I have just got my statement of entry a couple of days already and I can't believe I am going to sit for it so soon! I still remember when I was in primary school, I used to look at the paper which tells O Level candidates the venue of the exams and I wondered when it would be my turn. And my turn is nearly here! *shudder*

So, in the interest of my studies, I'm staying away from the Internet and the blogosphere. I really miss you guys and I hope you all are doing well. I'm not coping with academic stress as well over here, but it's not too bad (and hopefully it won't get worse!). Priorities comes first, and getting distinctions is my top priority. Yeah, I guess I have to sacrifice most of my time spent surfing the Internet. =( Harsh, but something has got to go to accommodate something else. I guess that's how things work.

Take care guys, and I hope things go well in your life! I'll be back after all these is over (or when I have to blog about something urgently), I promise!

[+] There's more!

I did not live very happily these past few days. Sure, there are definitely the happy times, but they were overshadowed by rage, fury and disappointment. A few days ago when the school prefects organised a sports event for the student body, an ungrateful wretch made a poignant attack on our efforts. He alleged that the prefects had cheated in an event as he figured the referees who were us played favouritism and declared us the victor. As one of the referees, it was clear that we did not do that and we aren't that desperate to sink so low to help our team. =( How dare he directed such accusations to us! I began to think he had issues against us prefects. To add insult to injury, he threatened that his team will ensure that the prefects will not score a shot in the upcoming basketball game. It's easy for me to shrug it off were it a joke. It was clear that he meant that intently. I shot him a deadly glare when he looked back to his team mates, cursing silently that he will be sorry with what he had just said.

I hate to say this, but at that instant, I developed a strong hatred feeling towards him and his stupid society. His team was actually a "society" (something like a fraternity/sorority?) formed by a couple of students. *rolls eyes* It's pretty ironic how I disliked the society so much as a whole when he slated the prefects. I shouldn't have felt that way. That was pretty low of me.

Many minutes later, the basketball match between the prefects and his society began. It was clear that the other team was trying to play rough to intimidate the prefects. It didn't look friendly to me. Suddenly, in the middle of game play, one of the prefects hit into the person mentioned above and they both succumbed to injury! The egoistic guy had a big cut on his eyebrow and blood was gushing out. Immediately, my guilty conscience was eating my insides. Had my hatred somehow caused the injury? I suddenly felt scared as I did not intend on this to happen. It was so scary it happened not too long after he spilled out his nasty words. =|

I was then subbed in to the game, and the game resumed. I can feel the negative vibes emerging from the other team. I then remembered his words that they are out to get us. Anger began to cloud my thoughts and I wasn't concentrating on the game. I haphazardly chased after the ball with the thought that I will not let the other team get it. That was pretty much impossible because it was obvious that my team mates and I are not seasoned players! I tried my best anyway with my anger fueling my determination. It was not the way it should be. As a result, I wasn't playing my best (since when was I good anyway?).

We lost anyway but we managed to walk away with 2 - 10+ points. Hah! At least we proved that cocky guy wrong. We got 2 shots! We're not as worthless as he thinks. The thing is, I have no idea why I was "quite sensitive" to his comments. It's not like I, or we, have done anything wrong, right? Sometimes, I do tend to wonder whether it is wise to do the right thing while the community has a different negative viewpoint.

Up until today, I still am somewhat affected by his lashes. I know it is insignificant now and I have nothing to do with it, but hearing it first-hand is an entirely different thing. Subconsciously, I probably am taking him rather seriously. I know I am so much better than him in so many ways, yet why must I succumb now and listen to him? I just don't get it! It's affecting my work performance (I have to finish my computer coursework for O Levels this weekend). I am bothered! =(

When my best friend came to console me and warned me that there are more evil people out there who will make biting remarks to me to purposely hurt me, I began to worry. I thought to myself that if I can't handle his comments, what more of other people who may hurl meaner and nastier insults to me?

Yesterday before a dinner for prefects, I was complaining to my maid that I can't find my long-sleeve shirt. I hate myself for being rude to her; I could have just asked her nicely where it is. The worse thing is that I found it on my brother's wardrobe by myself. It was so embarrassing! I was glad she said no more after that. I thank her for it. I should have gone to prepare for dinner earlier.

While I was at dinner, I was trying to get close to a certain prefect I am eying on recently. The way I tried to cross over the boundary of friendship into the unknown is a bit too rushy. So, I covertly followed around her and "annoy" her as much as possible without making it too obvious. After some time, when she is engrossed into the part, I have the feeling that I have been annoying. So I went to another close friend of mine and try to get her attention. I then stopped doing it when I have the feeling I have been a bit too annoying. It happened while I was IM-ing this person just now. I can't believe I can be so annoying at times. I should learn to keep my mouth shut at times!

There is still an issue which bothers me a little. The primary concern now is the computer coursework. I have barely completed 50% of the project, and I have to try and finish everything up by this weekend! I really doubt my abilities now. And yes, last minute rush again. When will I ever learn!

By the way, do anyone of you know something about Microsoft Access functions? I have a problem with it, and I need help on it! =( I have to apologize for blogging less frequently now. I got my hands tied up on my education and especially that computer coursework! =(

[+] There's more!

I have been tagged by whenn once again. And this time, I am instructed to answer the questions below. Here I go!

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:

1. Daddy Forever


2. The Ice Box


3. The Buzz Queen


4. Opinion Minions


5. Soliloquies exposed...

Next select five people to tag:

1. James


2. katelyn


3. Cap'n Lifecruiser


4. R'acquel


5. Terra Shield

Then answer the following questions:

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Let me jog my memory on this. *does some maths on my head* I was in Year 1. I had a small and chubby stature. I was always picked on by my classmates. =( I cannot remember much, except three events still stand clear in my mind. I was criticized by my teacher for my awfully tiny handwriting. I remember that I forged my dad's signature because I forgot to show him my test paper. And besides that, I remember I was given the consent to eat in class by a kind teacher, and everyone was giving looks to me. That was my first experience of stealing the limelight, lol! =P

What were you doing 1 year ago?

I began to get used to the hectic life at Year 10. I made many new friends and I was a frequent blogger at my other blog which is publicised to my friends. I became the school prefect and I had just discovered my love for languages. Besides that, I was deeply interested in my future - my dream career, my dream major and whatnot. I know better now to give priority to my current studies first before thinking about that. =P

Five snacks you enjoy:

• Planters peanuts


• Indomie Mi Goreng


• Cakes (Chocolate cake, carrot cake etc.)


• Char Siu Bao


• Chocolate, especially Ferrero Rocher *drools*

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

Sadly, I only know a line or two for most songs I listen to on the radio. Usually, the lyrics are indiscernible to my ears and I pay more attention to the music. Anyway, here are the few songs which I know all/most of the lyrics:

• National anthem


• My school song


• My Love, by Westlife

That is about it. =\ Are you disappointed? =P

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

• Buy an Apple MacBook. Have you ever seen a better looking GUI with a "sexy" and sleek laptop design? My friend who has one showed it to me and I was awestruck by its beauty! It really is a shame that it cannot run that many software and games, or else I will have one now! =D


• Travel around the world, especially Europe and Dubai, United Arab Emirates


• Purchase a house in beautiful Dubai!


• Donate a sum of money to charity and give my family some share of my money


• Own a 6-star hotel! Hahahaha! =D

Five bad habits:

• Procrastinate


• Gossip?


• Laying in bed after I wake up even though I will be late for school


• Daydreaming anytime, anywhere


• Staying up late

Five things you like doing:

Or I should be doing now:

• Work on my O Level Computer coursework


• Revise my Chemistry and Physics


• Read the unread books I have bought


• Eat Chinese (I always have Chinese anyway =P)


• Plan the design of the prefects' notice board

Five things you would never wear again:

• Speedo-style swimming briefs (too skimpy) or skin-tight swimming suit! =O Great, all are skintight anyway!


• Loose underwear


• Knee-length shorts (except for sports and at home)


• A two-piece pyjama set, especially silky ones! =O


• T-shirts made of thin material

I guess you can tell that I value my modesty. =P

Five favorite toys:

I'm listing down my favourite childhood toys. Currently, I have lost most of them and my new best friends now are my computer and my books.

• Transformers toys. I was crazy about them until my early pre-teen years.


• Toys under the Power Rangers franchise


• LEGOs


• Monopoly board game


• Playing Pokémon games on my Game Boy

Well, that pretty much sums up another part of me. In case you are wondering, I have dedicated my time and energy to finish up the Macromedia Flash competition project that is due next week. So I'm trying my best in completing the unfinished animations and scenes. I hope you guys do not mind my inactivity, and I apologize for that. I hope to see you all soon!

[+] There's more!

I woke up this morning grumbling in frustration because I woke up pretty late. I promised myself that I would wake up earlier and immediately get my hands on my assignments. So, I stormed down the stairs to have my breakfast. One of the maids pissed me off when she wondered out aloud why I was looking for breakfast when I did not take away any pastries from the supermarket last night. I was at a different supermarket to shop for stationery! Naturally I didn't think about tomorrow's breakfast!

My mom saw me wearing a long face and she could not take it anymore. She blew up, and I received the worst lecture in my entire life.

I was so worried by my projects which I did last minute, it pressured me too much. I was unable to handle the pressure and this affects my entire being. I was paralyzed, because I realised how deep in the shit I was. I just cannot see how I am able to solve the problem! Despite how much I tried, I just could not finish it on time.

She began telling me off. She said that my attitude changed, from bad to worse. And she went on to say other bad traits she has found in me. I cried, and cried. I did not see how much of a bad person I have become over the years, especially to my parents, and to my family. I have been snubbing and ignoring them. And somehow, I became a worse person and without realizing it, I became a cold, ruthless stranger before my own eyes. I transformed.

I became a somebody who I did not like. I hate him. I hate myself.

Being a spoilt and ignorant brat at home, and acting nice, sweet, and kind to others... It shows that I am two-faced. I am an actor. I am a really good faker, showing people the sincerity which I did not show at home.

It's pretty ironic how you don't treat your loved ones and especially your parents the same love you shower to other people.

The point is that my mother just want me to stop wearing the black face and tell the whole world how much the pressure is gripping and strangling me, expecting sympathy and help from others. It affects the mood of people when they see me fuming. It's called being an inconsiderate wimp. I should have helped myself earlier by being a smart student and work on my assignments when Day 1 of the holidays began.

She began to wonder how on earth was I chosen to become a school prefect when I'm not even showing such a fine example to my little brother. She warned me that she will tell the teachers all of my negative traits if she catches me being like an ungrateful wretch again. I was really frightened. I didn't want that to happen.

After hearing all that she has to say, I only began to realize one thing. I have been my parents' disappointment. Even my dad shook his head and tries to calm my mom down, "It's no use. No matter how many times you tell him off, he will never even get it into his head!"

My mother commented, "You may be diligent. But your barbaric attitude sucks."

Throughout the whole time, I was crying and trying to comprehend the truth she jammed into my head. It hurts a lot. =( And it's all too true...

It was not until a long time that I gathered the strength to stop crying and I decided to do something. I took out a piece of paper and I wrote down the bad traits my mother had pointed out while adding some more I see fit to be in the list of about 15. I prayed to my gods, something I have not really done for a long time, begging for forgiveness and a chance a renew myself. I thanked them for making my mother lecture me which was a wake up call. I simply cannot go on living like a grouch.

I went to the verandah. I reread my list, try to take them into heart. Carefully, I pulled out a lighter and I burned it in front of my very eyes. It was really difficult to see the paper burning. My words, my bad qualities, slowly turning into ashes. I teared a little as I watched the list burn, but I know it's for my own good to turn over a new leaf. My heart ached when I see it slowly crumple into dust and ashes.

From that point onwards, I moved on to become someone better and to regain my old spirit. Otherwise, life will toy me around if I don't take charge of my own. There is a saying that goes "Charity begins at home". I don't know about charity, but it has to begin somewhere in myself and with my family.

Please, give me a chance a renew myself. I'll prove to you that I will do much more better than my current pathetic attempts of changing myself. The journey is tough, but I really must persevere. No more whining and no more feeling sorry for myself.

This blog post was not written to let you guys know of this. Its main intention was to serve as a reminder for me: The Sunday morning of June 24, 2007 marks a new journey to be a better man.

[+] There's more!

I woke up a couple of times this morning with my heart pounding pretty fast. At first, I didn't know what happened until visions of my nightmare returned to haunt me. It was really scary, I was so afraid of going back to sleep. No, it isn't one of those nightmares involving ghouls and spectres. It was a robbery happening right in my house! =O

I remembered I was in the living room with my ex-Science teacher. I had no idea why she was there in the first place. Anyway, I was instructed to open the gate for one of my friend's mother as she was coming to get my friend's photographs. I don't know why it happened too. A few minutes passed and a car came up and parked itself in the driveway. I looked out of the curtain and I saw an unfamiliar face of a pretty Malay lady who was donning a local attire. Without pondering much, I went out to have a look and carelessly left the door open.

All of a sudden, one of my mom's colleagues popped out and he and the lady just stomped into the house, pushing aside me. I was in a daze of confusion. My gut instincts began to warn me of an imminent robbery. That was it. Soon, I "saw" (or rather, felt) what was taking place upstairs. The entire house was ransacked and I developed a feeling that the robbers knew what they were after.

I did not know what to do. I was terrified by not only the situation, but also fearing my own safety as well as losing possessions. Till that point, I have never witnessed a real robbery. In the Sims 2 game, robbery had taken place a few times and more often than not, the robber was apprehended. I even thought it was quite funny to see my Sims screaming in hysteria and acting all nervous when the robber was stealing their possessions a few times. Not in my nightmare! I watched helplessly as the robbers cleaned out the entire house, and they made a clean getaway in their car, zooming off into the night.

I realised I was feeling shakey and nervous all the time. When I managed to calm my nerves a little, a voice inside my head told me to check on my ATM card (of all things!). Panicking, I zoomed up the stairs and headed into my bedroom, half wishing that my room was spared. It wasn't. The minute I opened the drawer where I kept my wallet, I couldn't find my wallet. I was infuriating and flabbergasted! I checked the other drawer where I kept the only bank statement I received so far. It was gone as well.

Paranoia began to eat my insides. All the money I have collected and save will be gone before the next day! =( I tried to think of every possibility to save my money and thank goodness I had an idea. To call the bank, of course! Tell the bank that my ATM card was stolen and to request them to deactivate the card. I rushed down and open the telephone directories. I tried to search for "ATM" in vain but I could not find it. My heart sank with dread and before I knew it, I blacked out and I returned to my bed.

I tried to open my eyes and lay there on my bed gasping for oxygen. I can't believe the robbery had petrified me so much! At first, I did not dare to look around my room for fear of encountering the robber. What if it was real? It felt too real! I was dreading that my ATM card had really disappeared. As much as I wanted to check to clear my conscience, I did not want to as I did not want to wake up. I plucked my courage and looked around from after many minutes, scanning everything and also any silhouettes lurking around. Thank goodness I didn't find any. I began to chant prayers to dispel any "energy" or "presence" that might disturb my sleep. I couldn't sleep for some time. I was too engrossed in my thoughts of that robbery.

Why didn't I phone the police? Did nervousness got the better of me? The robbers could have been caught by the police if only I acted faster. Why didn't i? Why had I let the robbers in to my house? I doubted myself and my actions in the dream. It really shows that I have little preparedness in emergencies. I was also thinking of allocating a safe hiding place for my valuables but what if the robbers knew where they were, or if they unknowingly stole the box or whatever that housed my possessions?

It took quite a while to clear my thoughts. I then slipped into slumberland, dreaming about adventures like those in the Twilight Princess game I played recently. I also dreamed about school (oh no!) and another robbery, this time at the ATM machine, although I did not remember much of it.

I'm glad that despite all these nightmares and dreams, I still managed to get a sound sleep after all those nights of sporadic sleeps. I was actually dreading to go to sleep last night as I did not want a poor quality sleep. =S

Why all these dreams? Are they somehow stress-related? I have just realized that most of my dreams these past few days somehow were related to school...

I'm not spending the last week of my school holidays that well too. After a week of playing the Twilight Princess game, I had to go back to work on my holiday assignments, two of which are the major ones which are the O Levels computer coursework and the Flash animation for an upcoming competition. I have done absolutely nothing for the latter. I could not concentrate on working even these two. I totally regretted playing that game, and I wish to regain that lost time. I refuse to believe that the holidays are meant to catch up on schoolwork. I was hoping that I could self-improve myself in vocabulary and maybe revising a little. I could do none of these things! My brain was screaming at me to relax and not do any productive work whereas my conscience said otherwise.

I think I have landed myself in major trouble, for once again leaving everything till the last minute. Congratulations, idiot, you learned nothing after all! I have no idea what causes this. I used to be a pretty ardent workaholic but now, my concentration span could not last 10 minutes before I get distracted again.

I'm lethargic, languid, lazy, lackadaisical, and whatever adjectives starting with "L" which describes my current lethargy. I simply have no mood nowadays to go on doing my assignments or even doing some productive work. Nor do I have to mood to enjoy myself. I don't understand why. It is as if there's something clogging my brain.

I can only do things when I have the mood and the heart to do it. I will not bother trying to do anything when I don't have the mood. *sigh*

I don't know what am I supposed to do now. I have no more choice but to force myself to finish up all my assignments. I am so going to be in deep trouble when school reopens. Oh God, help me! =( All these things are really killing me! I'm so frustrated and disappointed with myself!

[+] There's more!

I suddenly have this desire flickering inside me to be free. To get my own car and run away from home into places I consider a haven, e.g. parks, beaches. I don't like to tell my driver or my parents where to fetch me too as it is entirely a personal matter. I hate to be so dependent on them.

Today is a really lazy day for me. Never in my life have I felt so lethargic or lackadaisical. There are many things that I want to do today, yet I've spent the entire time in front of my PC. Just now, I was craving to swim in a cool pool! =O I have not swum for several weeks already and I'm afraid my stamina in water can no longer hold past 50 metres. I wanted to swim in the local stadium but I heard that the place doesn't have a clean washroom. Some more, it's not within walking distance (but a stone's throw away if I were to drive there). I don't want to trouble anyone to pick me there. Boy, it was terribly difficult to suppress that urge.

When I thought I have successfully eradicated the want to swim, suddenly I have this urge of wanting to head down to a park. It's too bad they are quite some distance away from my house and I don't have a car! =(

I would love to go to these places alone without any companion. I want solitude in doing these activities. I truly appreciate the absence of someone who can monitor each and every movement mine, and his presence greatly restricts what I long to do. I want to enjoy beautiful sceneries on my eye and enjoy the setting sun by the pristine river with the glimmering palace somewhere in the background. I want to swim a few laps and float on the water and just enjoy the sensation of the cool water lapping my body.

What about going snorkeling in the sea and watch the beautiful tropical marine life unfurling before my very eyes? To dare myself and touch the fish and to soak up that sensation. I'm not too sure whether it's available in my country, but I do know that just crossing the border, there are many places to snorkel.

Oh, this reminds me that I really should treat myself one day and check in into that luxurious five-star hotel and exploit its facilities, from beautifully landscaped grounds with swimming pools and the beach to its gym, notably the spa! Ahhh... *cannot help but smile at this thought* To spend a day in its suite and its ultra-comfortable bed.

To enjoy such luxuries myself is still a far fetched dream. I do hope I can do that once my important exams are all over. I love to have this treatment! *heart pounds*

It's too bad I have to let someone know of these desires before I can do this. Really, I wish I can just kapoof and end up at these places just like that.

Am I asking for too much? Lol! Hey, it doesn't hurt to dream, does it? ;) I do wish these desires will be picked up by someone telepathically. No, that will be creepy. Hahaha! I guess I can only long for these...

[+] There's more!

I was tagged by the lovely whenn to do this meme which I believe similar memes have been circulating around blogs for quite some time already. I was also tagged by Irish Church Lady quite a while back on a similar meme. I thought I would take this opportunity to combine them into one, but that doesn't mean I'll list down 8+5=13 facts about me! I don't think I am able to do that! =P

Anyway, here are the rules for this meme:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.

2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write their own post about their eight things and post these rules.

4. At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Without further ado, here I go!

1. Just today in German class, my mom didn't show up after the class ended. To make full use of the time, my Deutschelehrenin continued teaching me. When my mom failed to show up 15 minutes later, I was getting paranoid and I started to form strange thoughts in my head. My concentration wavered and I couldn't understand what my teacher is explaining (Perfect tense is a murder, I tell you! Even in the English language!). I perspired a little in her cool house when she offered to allow me to stay and have lunch. I could feel my heart jump out! I know she was being nice and courteous about it, but honestly, it would feel really awkward to dine with her family members who might ask funny questions about my life and probably converse in German! =S

I'm more worried that I wouldn't be able to go home. I don't know why I have this irrational fear of not going home. I hate the fact that I have to rely on people for transportation. I really wish I have my own car (even a stationwagon will do; I'm not picky) or my country has better public transportation. The buses are completely unreliable, trains are non-existent, taxis are notorious for charging passengers ridiculously and it is a norm, no, a must, to have at least a car here. The fear of not being able to return home is frightening.

In the end, I found out that my mom had been waiting outside the whole time for half an hour. We didn't notice it. I was worried she would act up in front of my teacher but fortunately, it was uneventful. I stayed silent throughout the whole journey back home, trying to reel in from the shock. Poor mom! She couldn't understand what really was going on in my head!

2. Speaking of silence, I always stayed silent in car rides. No, I don't talk with my driver with the exception of telling him where to go. Nor do I talk to my parents who fetch me sometimes. It seems awkward at first but after a while, I appreciate the silence and I spend time reflecting on anything while staring at the all too familiar scenery zooming past the window. I think the people who rarely pick me up and transport me around find this very strange. I think so too...

3. Ringing telephone and doorbells always produce an averse effect on me. I totally hate it, and I even have a fear of it. Let's call this "ring-ring-phobia". I can recall how this started actually. Back in Year 9, we students have to work on a computer project for the public examinations. Despite the teachers' explanations, some doofuses (sorry to say this) have the cheek to constantly call me and ask for help, expecting me to spoonfeed them. Hey, I was busy too and I had no time to entertain their useless calls. Seriously, I wished they could ask the teacher instead. Yet, I was too weak to say no to their insistent begs. So everytime when the phone rang, I start to dread and began fearing.

That is why unlike most teenagers, I absolutely have no intention of getting a mobile phone. I think when the phone rings, I will start throwing tantrums and curse before answering the phone and greet the person sweetly. Ugh, talk about faking! Hahahaha! =P And can't they use Windows Live Messenger and e-mail to contact me instead? I'm online almost everyday anyway! Those facilities weren't invented for no reason! ;)

The fear of doorbell rings, on the other hand, arose because my little brother has this funny quirk of ringing doorbells incessantly when he sometimes arrive at home. It sounds very annoying!

4. Then, we come to having guests at my house. Sorry to say this, but I have a fear of guests. Let's call this gestrophobia (hahaha!). I especially dread Chinese New Year, the time when my parents always have an open house and somehow, hordes of friends, relatives and acquaintances flock into our house, filling every inch of space in the living room. It's creepy to see hundreds of people visiting your house. =( I don't fancy it at all, not even one bit. I quiver as I walk down the stairs into the living room with hundreds of eyes staring at my direction. It feels awkward too! *shudder*

A house is supposed to be a private and peaceful abode of one. It isn't really meant to be visited by people. I don't believe people should invade that privacy and come to have a look at what really is going on. My household is "different". People might think things. I don't want them to form the wrong impression.

To be truthful, this fear mainly stems from the fact that the piano is in the living room. If you can remember from this blog post, you know what that means. Some snobby friends of my parents want to listen to my music playing and I haven't got nice experiences with performing in front of people...

5. I'm a closet pianist. I don't perform for people. I perform for myself. I can't sight read. And I don't think you'll believe I'm a Grade 7 pianist. I can't believe that either. I don't think I even deserve to be bestowed that high a grade. The only songs I can play are my 3 ABRSM exam pieces. It's pretty sad, I know. There is a local Malay idiom that goes tinggi-tinggi payau which means being in higher grade although displaying little basic knowledge.

Unlike most musicians, I'm not musically inclined or talented. Sure, the emotions may be there, but the technicalities are not accurate. Sometimes I wonder whether all these years, I have just wasted my parents' money in doing something I'm not good at. Heck, sometimes I don't even know what I am doing. I struggle to sight read. Just this afternoon, I wanted to play a simple Grade 2 standard sheet music for a music in the Twilight Princess game but I struggled and wasn't able to sight-read it properly. It came off as ugly cacophony of noises. I was so frustrated that I stopped playing it after the second try.

Sometimes, I think there really isn't much point in playing the piano even though I enjoy playing the limited music I know for myself. It's not like I'm going to persue a career in music or wanting to dedicate my life to music. Many times, I feel discouraged with my piano, and I question a lot in my piano playing skills. The other day, a friend of mine who is going to sit for the Grade 7 practical exam wanted to hear me play the jazzy song we both were playing. I think I went pale. I immediately rejected him. I can't. I didn't prepare adequately (I'm still not prepared for it).

I am so going to fail my Grade 7 exam. *sigh* So many frustrations with this silly musical instrument. Hahahaha, and I'm taking of picking up violin. Hoo boy! I am so ridiculous! >.<

6. I don't remember people's birthdays. I don't really give birthday gifts to them either. I think I'm stingy. Anyway, I don't really celebrate my birthday too. I just want my birthday to be a perfect day where nothing goes wrong, not throwing extravagant birthday parties or having a dinner with family and friends. I hate my way of thinking, but that's just the way I am. =( In an episode of Teen Titans, Raven wasn't so enthusiastic about celebrating her birthday, but that's only because she was doomed to some prophecy. If it wasn't for that, I can totally relate myself to her.

7. You can guess that I'm a party pooper. Hahaha, I'm not exactly that kind. I just am not the party kind of person as I don't really enjoy parties. You will definitely find me either sitting alone at that corner and wishing time will pass by quickly so that I can get home, or I will be making small chats with close friends of mine. People find me strange acting like that. Again, I can't help but feel the odd one out among the party-goers. My kind of party will be spending a comfortable, intimate time with my lover, by the fireplace in a cold, wintry night. (Impossible considering where I live.)

8. People have caught me staring into space and just blank out. I can stare at anything and everything, from tyres and tables to trees and buildings. Out of the blue, I can just zone out just like that and begin to think about absolutely anything. There was one time when my friend caught me smiling. I think I must have creep her out. Lol! =P

There you have it. 8 completely random facts about me. =D This took a while! ;) I won't be tagging anybody in particular since everyone has already done this, or a similar meme. So I'll leave it to you guys whether you are game or not. Check out my weirdness meme here and here for even more odd facts about me. ;)

See you guys soon and have a great weekend!

[+] There's more!