I am not doing well these days. =( Things have been going rather downhill lately. The written mocks are a fortnight away and I have yet to begin real, intensive revision. Somehow, I lost the mood to study and to do anything. It is as if I am rebelling against the examinations system when I normally have no qualms about it!

Physically, my body is not cooperating with me. Just when I demand good health while studying. Apparently, I have not taken enough measures to ensure that my physique is in top shape. Last week, our school organised a run. I should have bought a new pair of running shoes; the current pair is too tight for my big feet even though I normally wear size 9.5. My toes had to suffocate and suffer from injuries as they are cramped together in the tight space. As a result, two of my toenails (next to the big toe) are traumatised from the constant impacts of the shoes and they broke. One became detached from the nail bed, and other one bled and later became detached.

I was really shocked to see the throbbing toes and I was, and still am, shocked when I realise I'm going to lose both of them. Just now, I clipped away the entire left toe as it was painful (when coming in contact with the floor, or when I try to bend it). It's bearable but it was starting to bug me. Furthermore, it was already oozing pus (?). So reluctantly, after googling for advices (which weren't helpful), I made the hectic decision of clipping the whole nail to the cuticle. I was frightened by the slight ease of cutting it away without pain. Now, my nail bed is exposed and can any time be invaded by bacteria or fungi. I immediately regretted my decision, and I lamented about my ludicrousness. =(

I'm paranoid that I have cut away the nail root too and I will be stuck without a nail at that toe forever! I look at the now nail-less toe longingly to have the nail back. I feel vulnerable seeing the exposed pinkish nail bed, which looks sensitive. Just great! And it still slightly hurts too when walking, and watery, clear pus still ooze out from within the cuticle. How totally absurd!

I decided to remove the other detached nail too but however, I was pleasantly surprised to see a new, hard nail growing beneath the dead, crusty detached nail. It does not look pretty, but I'm glad that I've already got a new nail there. It must have been growing when that nail was partially broken a few months ago. That surprise finding itself lifted my spirits up a little but there are many factors out there which hampered my satisfaction with life lately.

Missing nails are just a minor concern. My chest throbs with pain whenever I sit, stand, move or lie down. It began rather suddenly yesterday when I came back from school. I was sitting on the sofa about to have my tea when suddenly, my right pectoral muscles began to hurt like hell. I was squirming with pain at the sudden cram. My mother questioned my sudden awkward behaviour. I assured her there was nothing wrong with me, when in reality it was painful! Knowing her, she fiercely makes sure I recover from whatever illnesses and pains by bulk feeding me with health products. I hate it. I do not believe in health products although the company was trustworthy! She also gives all the unneeded attention to me, thinking that I'm incapable of doing "ordinary tasks", and strictly ensures that I'll get my rest in bed.

To make matters worse, the pain increased substantially in the next few minutes and I simply had to tell her about it. I was afraid that it could develop into something rather serious. The timing to have such injuries is bad. Must it happen so close to my mocks?

My pectorals were massaged using an ointment which relieves muscle cramps. Thankfully, the pain subsided, but not a lot. My chest was still painful and memories of a previous experience of this "injury" came flooding back in my memory. I remembered enduring the pain when my parents were not at home. It was assumed that there was bad blood circulation. The symptoms were the same: there was "something" inside the chest that moved slightly whenever I moved, aching my right chest. I don't know how to describe it. If I hadn't remember wrongly, the pain will have subsided in the next couple of days.

And so, my parents once again reinforced the fact that I should not carry heavy things. Hey, I'm a guy and I am already pathetically weak, and you're asking me not to lift things? How was I supposed to build at least "some" muscle? What are they thinking? I'm already soft! Great, thank you!

I know that maybe the way I carried the table yesterday morning may not be right. But must the pain come much later after that? I had the feeling that it has nothing whatsoever to do with the pain.

Oh, I am so confused! I just want the pain to be rid of as soon as possible. It's not nice to breathe shallowly to avoid feeling the pain and having to move in pain constantly.

What more, I'm doing shoddily in school and revision. I do not get organic chemistry, radioactivity and vectors (Mathematics). The last few chapters of the syllabi are ridiculously difficult to comprehend. I seriously question how well I will fare for my mocks. I am going to jeopardise my future applications to sixth form schools if my mocks results are mediocre... =(

I'm procrastinating badly. I'm sick of it. I just want to revise properly this time. I told myself that already, why aren't I fulfilling my own wishes? =(