24 June 2007


From:that frolicsome kid
To:Whom this may concern
Date:24 June 2007, 15:35
Subject: Messed Up  

I woke up this morning grumbling in frustration because I woke up pretty late. I promised myself that I would wake up earlier and immediately get my hands on my assignments. So, I stormed down the stairs to have my breakfast. One of the maids pissed me off when she wondered out aloud why I was looking for breakfast when I did not take away any pastries from the supermarket last night. I was at a different supermarket to shop for stationery! Naturally I didn't think about tomorrow's breakfast!

My mom saw me wearing a long face and she could not take it anymore. She blew up, and I received the worst lecture in my entire life.

I was so worried by my projects which I did last minute, it pressured me too much. I was unable to handle the pressure and this affects my entire being. I was paralyzed, because I realised how deep in the shit I was. I just cannot see how I am able to solve the problem! Despite how much I tried, I just could not finish it on time.

She began telling me off. She said that my attitude changed, from bad to worse. And she went on to say other bad traits she has found in me. I cried, and cried. I did not see how much of a bad person I have become over the years, especially to my parents, and to my family. I have been snubbing and ignoring them. And somehow, I became a worse person and without realizing it, I became a cold, ruthless stranger before my own eyes. I transformed.

I became a somebody who I did not like. I hate him. I hate myself.

Being a spoilt and ignorant brat at home, and acting nice, sweet, and kind to others... It shows that I am two-faced. I am an actor. I am a really good faker, showing people the sincerity which I did not show at home.

It's pretty ironic how you don't treat your loved ones and especially your parents the same love you shower to other people.

The point is that my mother just want me to stop wearing the black face and tell the whole world how much the pressure is gripping and strangling me, expecting sympathy and help from others. It affects the mood of people when they see me fuming. It's called being an inconsiderate wimp. I should have helped myself earlier by being a smart student and work on my assignments when Day 1 of the holidays began.

She began to wonder how on earth was I chosen to become a school prefect when I'm not even showing such a fine example to my little brother. She warned me that she will tell the teachers all of my negative traits if she catches me being like an ungrateful wretch again. I was really frightened. I didn't want that to happen.

After hearing all that she has to say, I only began to realize one thing. I have been my parents' disappointment. Even my dad shook his head and tries to calm my mom down, "It's no use. No matter how many times you tell him off, he will never even get it into his head!"

My mother commented, "You may be diligent. But your barbaric attitude sucks."

Throughout the whole time, I was crying and trying to comprehend the truth she jammed into my head. It hurts a lot. =( And it's all too true...

It was not until a long time that I gathered the strength to stop crying and I decided to do something. I took out a piece of paper and I wrote down the bad traits my mother had pointed out while adding some more I see fit to be in the list of about 15. I prayed to my gods, something I have not really done for a long time, begging for forgiveness and a chance a renew myself. I thanked them for making my mother lecture me which was a wake up call. I simply cannot go on living like a grouch.

I went to the verandah. I reread my list, try to take them into heart. Carefully, I pulled out a lighter and I burned it in front of my very eyes. It was really difficult to see the paper burning. My words, my bad qualities, slowly turning into ashes. I teared a little as I watched the list burn, but I know it's for my own good to turn over a new leaf. My heart ached when I see it slowly crumple into dust and ashes.

From that point onwards, I moved on to become someone better and to regain my old spirit. Otherwise, life will toy me around if I don't take charge of my own. There is a saying that goes "Charity begins at home". I don't know about charity, but it has to begin somewhere in myself and with my family.

Please, give me a chance a renew myself. I'll prove to you that I will do much more better than my current pathetic attempts of changing myself. The journey is tough, but I really must persevere. No more whining and no more feeling sorry for myself.

This blog post was not written to let you guys know of this. Its main intention was to serve as a reminder for me: The Sunday morning of June 24, 2007 marks a new journey to be a better man.

Comments (15):

This does show two things:

1) You have an awesome mother that really cares about you and that's the reason for lecturing you. To get results, to help you - not to hurt you.

2) She got an amazing son that really could grasp her critique. It's no dance on Roses to be young and under studying pressures.

I wish that many other parents and kids could experience the same!

I've seen a couple of cases, at least, where the kids parents haven't been able to manage the situation at all and how should then the kids be able to do it? THAT is really sad.

We're only humans and we do make a lot of mistakes, but the most important is to LEARN something from them :-)

You're such a good guy on the inside!

Me, I've had some Midsummer Flower Power Love :-)

> It's pretty ironic how you don't treat your loved ones and especially your parents the same love you shower to other people.

Could it be because the other people in your life to whom you "shower" with love are giving the same kind of love/reward/good-stuff back to you in the first place?

*hugz*

I think you're a good person. The fact that you're able to accept your parents critiques with an open mind and an initiative to make things better proves it.

:)

Hey Cap'n! Sure, the words hurt, but at the same time, they mold me into a better person. I am glad for that. I pulled myself together after that, and have seen myself do better these couple of days, and I hope this dedication will last for as long as I live. =)

Lol, her critiques are notorious for being downright harsh! Hahaha! =P Yay for me for surviving that! (What am I saying?! XD )

I too have seen my friends and their parents with my own eyes not forging well. It's pretty sad to see, and I sometimes wonder what goes home. On the other hand, I do have friends who are really close with their parents! =O

Many a times, I made mistakes and did not learn from them. However, I attained a moral from this chaotic story of mine.

Does Midsummer have something to do with the summer solstice? June 21 isn't any different here. I did not witness a longer day: the sun sets at around half past six in the evening anyway.

Hi R'acquel! Yes, it could be that they are reciprocating my love. I know that my parents are my outlet of eternal love, yet I am not treating them the same way as my friends. I sometimes find it pretty awkward when I treat them like how I treat my friends. They are my parents! I probably think that the parents-child relationship is different from ordinary ones. However, I think I should be more open and receptive to them. *sigh*

*hugs*

Hey terra shield! I don't want to be an oaf and upset my parents as well as myself. They have spent 16+ years sacrificing their time and bringing me up. I don't want to disappoint.

As one whose spiritual journey is becoming more clear and focused, thanks primarily to Recovery, I offer some observations:

1.) I am not what I do
2.) I make mistakes. I am not the mistake.
3.) Self-forgiveness comes first.
4.) Expectations are Resentments over in the corner doing pushups.
5.) Sugar and Television are the most dangerous drugs.

We are spiritual beings on a human journey, not the other way around. I spent a lifetime (57 years) beating myself up and looking to others for approval and acceptance. After nearly seven years sober, I learn every day new ways to care for, and about, myself.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, except for this: Don't be me. Don't wake up 40 years from now after a lifetime of shattered expectations and deadly self-loathing, no matter how much you've accomplished, and realize as I did, that you're okay just as you are, and being what others think you should be is as deadly as Sugar and Television.

Hi James! Thank you for your insights. I really appreciate it! =)

I do have a question though. What do you mean by "I am not what I do"? Aren't the things we are doing now tells us a little bit about who we are? The things we do are driven by our thoughts, and it is our will which generate these thoughts. If we did not think about doing it, would we still do it?

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