I was on the way to dinner with my siblings when the radio aired the song Seasons in the Sun. I stared out wistfully into the town buildings. As the song played and the first verse was sung, I thought of my best friend.

I cried. I weeped silently...

All those happy memories came flooding back. The good times we had in lower secondary years, the outing we had just now just filled my senses. I closed my eyes. My parents came into my vision. The sight of my mom laughing and hearing her signature laughter just soothes me. And I thought of my dad. My brothers. And my close friends. The good times we all had, the joys we shared, and the friendships we have.

I cherished those moments. I was shedding tears of joy that just streamed down my face. On the other hand, I feel sad and melancholy about it. I missed those moments, but I know there will be many more to come in the future.

I cried throughout the entire song. The memories were vivid and clear. I could feel as if I'm reliving those moments once again.

That is the first song which moved me. No song has ever aroused so much emotion from me before. However, it wasn't the first time I heard it, but at that time, it just moved me by bringing back memories from the past. The good ones which make my life so much more bearable.

And I really value the friendships I have with them. That's because they are real and tangible. I thank God for having these people in my life. Thank you... =)

[+] There's more!

I feel physically unhealthy. No, I'm not sick or anything, it's just that I have been lacking exercise for at least a few months. Ever since I have been diagnosed pneumothorax a couple of weeks ago, I haven't been going to swimming lessons. I am already lagging far behind class, especially since my mates have been undergoing intensive training for a swimming competition early this month. I've lost my stamina and my overall physical fitness.

To make matters worse, my brother himself did not even bother turning up for training lessons. He was insistently stubborn after reminding him a couple of times over and over. As a result, he wasn't put in to the competition. Now, I do not dare to show my face in the next class this Sunday as we will both be labelled as lazy. Heck, I don't even know whether we will be re-enrolled as we haven't confirmed our turn-up for this term since we did not go for swimming classes for some time. I can just imagine the angry look on my coach's face and the disappointment for our shoddy performance.

I do have a genuine reason because I was advised to stay out of the pool by the doctor, and furthermore, I had my mocks but somehow, I feel that such excuses cannot be tolerated. It shows that I am not ready to be fully committed to it. The sporadic attendances is a proof of it, plus my absence from the competition. I myself am willing to go for it were I in good shape. My brother just made things worse. Argh, I can't believe he is such a lazy bum (and I mean really lazy)! =( I am seriously annoyed with his lackadaisical attitude!

I wished I did swim a few laps in the stadium pool. However, I really do not want to trouble my driver. It's not only that, I doubt my mom would let me go since "the doctor advised me to stay away from pool for four to six weeks" even thought it's already the seventh/eighth week. Hey, while I was trying to carry my brother's luggage yesterday, my mom scolded me for lifting it. I was already pathetically weak for a guy, and to stop me from exerting my muscles, gosh, I think I could just rot into oblivion! I'm serious. Like how I'm not supposed to carry heavy objects with my left arm since I broke it when I was in Year 2. Come on, my bones have healed already! Will my bones actually crumble into dust due to the weight of the heavy objects? Of course not!

Thanks a lot. I bet my future wife will be stronger than me. I'm such a man! =(

Swim a few laps. If I can actually make a few laps. I hate my inactivity.

Just now, there was a perfect opportunity to get back into shape when after all those months, my neighbour started calling me again to play basketball. I thought it would be great, but after reading a friend's message of whether I used a lip balm or not and my neighbour's unsporting behaviour in basketball, I gave an excuse that I need to complete my homework. I feel really bad rejecting them over and over again, but I was holding back out of fear. =( At least my brother agreed to go.

I tried to distract myself by typing out notes on radioactivity as I was in a mood to study. I quited after five minutes as I scolded myself on missing the opportunity to get back in shape. I cursed and I decided to check out things discreetly. I was let down once again when my neighbour shouted for an uncalled foul, and the siblings then argued among themselves again. I shook my head in pity and just laid down on a bed, thinking how I will survive in the upcoming swimming class, and just feeling bad about myself in keeping unfit all these while.

I don't know why I am so reluctant to exercise. And yet, I want to keep fit. Sometimes I ask myself why am I so lazy and yet wanting to see results? What am I waiting for?

I don't even know why I'm feeling like this. I don't even understand why I have to worry over nothing. *gives a lost look*

[+] There's more!

It's bad enough that I have dry lips and have to rely on using a lip balm. Why must that accident have to happen? I shouldn't have brought that lip balm stick to school, let alone put it in the same pocket as my handkerchief. I shouldn't have gone down to eat! =O It's so embarrassing!

Must one of the two girls have to go all the way to my other blog and ask such a personal question? She left a message, "Do I use a lip balm?". Yeah, obviously, since you have already seen it with your eyes. As much as I wished it wasn't an illusion, it wasn't. It projects an impression that I, a guy, is metrosexual. I don't worry about my appearance excessively! I wished I have no dry lips. On that day, I must bring that stick to school and put it in the pocket. Woe is me!

I'm very embarrassed. How am I supposed to answer it? Tell the whole world that I depend on it? I'll be laughed at! Even at this moment, I can feel the malicious gossip about me spreading from one person to another, as if acting rather feminine isn't bad enough. Maybe I should just delete her message, but that would make things worse by indirectly denying it. I could say I have dry lips, but I sound really ridiculous and people will laugh at me and call me names. =(

It's stupid! Ahhhhh! Why me? =O I feel really self-conscious now.

I was in a mood to study after I came back from lunch but after seeing that message, I lost my motivation. I started worrying and despite genetics being an interesting topic, I kept thinking about her message. I wished she asked me privately instead of online.

I really don't know what to do now... =( Stupid lips!

[+] There's more!

I have been thinking a lot about the previous post I have written. Towards the end, I reflected on the moment spent with a friend of mine. I have been thinking about where do I want exactly want to stand in the relationship, close-knit friendship or perhaps even something more. I shouldn't have spilled it to my keeper of secrets friend either. She was absolutely shocked when I told her via writing. To be honest, I felt really strange and weird (no, no, not the lovey-dovey flip flops, but more of a disgusted one).

I've been thinking about me and him, and to be honest, I would feel pretty unnatural about the whole complexities. I tried picturing it in my head, and I can't. It's not right for me. I tuned in to my inner thoughts, my subconscious me, and asked, "Is this what I really want?" He said no. And I understood. Because it isn't what I want. It's not right for me. I have confused between friendship and romance, and the boundary was somehow blurred. Besides, I really doubt he fancies me in an absolutely different way. He won't reciprocate my feelings. I bet he will flee as far away from me as possible.

I thought about it again over lunch. I don't think it will work out. I dislike that thought very much. I really do want to be close to him, but to be that close, no thanks! Too awkward, too strange, not right for us! Suddenly, the phrase "Do the right thing" rang in my head. And I think not taking any step further from friendship is exactly the right thing. It benefits the both of us.

The inner me smiled. =)

And it took only a day for me to clarify my feelings? Yeah, it seemed really fast but I had enough time to think. And this time, I feel comforted by that fact. I adhere to this quote by Grandmother Willow from Disney's Pocahontas:

Listen with your heart, you will understand.

- Grandmother Willow

[+] There's more!

Beware! This blog post is pretty text-heavy! Images will not accompany the text because I ran out of inspiration! Heehee!

Many pleasant events have taken place during the last few days. I feel really glad to experience them! =) Many of them deal with relationships. I just feel so loved and wanted. I'm really happy! I'm ecstatic to know I have many close friends. No, I don't mean a thousand or a million! =O Sure, I've got probably a few but that's plenty enough for me. Yahoo!

Before I delve into the subject of friendships, do you remember about the piano exam I had the other day? It turns out that it went quite well. It's definitely far from perfect, but I'm slightly optimistic about passing the exam! I'd still say that despite the fact that I had completely messed up my A1 exam piece (I murdered it! =P) due to nerves. *sigh* There were some slips in my scales, again due to nerves and carelessness.

But what I'm quite proud out is my accomplishment of sight-reading rather fluently! =D It's definitely much more easier than the normal practices my teacher drilled me in. There were minimal chords in it. I failed to obey the dynamics and the tempo but it came out decently. I'm really happy with it. And it is the first time I am actually hopeful that my sight-reading section can help pull my marks out. My aural however is a different story. I seriously have unmusical ears! =P I think I flunked my section. In one part of the aural, I was asked to sight-sing. I completely babbled random Do-Re-Mi notes. I wouldn't if the beat wasn't so fast! The examiner had already finished playing while I was still halfway singing in vain. =|

According to a friend, results will be released sometime next week. That's extremely fast and I hope he is really wrong! =P I hope the two years' work pays off. =)

I doubt I was actually concentrating in school that day itself. I spent half the day worrying about my exam while I spent the rest sharing my experience with my friends and simply rejoicing that I survived the ordeal. What an accomplishment! =D I won't be touching the piano for about a fortnight. No more playing the same three songs and scales over and over again. =D It drives me crazy!

That wasn't it on Monday. One of my close friends had a surprise for me - she announced to me that my birthday present was ready and she gave me after school. I was elated even though it was pretty early. Well, she told me it wouldn't be so nice to present me the present on my day itself since I'll be having an oral exam (what a bummer, huh?). I thanked her profusely and gladly accepted it. =)

To be honest, I wasn't thinking about it that much on the way home since I was too busy relieving the experience. However, as I approached home, I began to feel excited about opening the present. No, I wasn't patient enough to wait until my birthday. And why wait? =P Hee hee hee! So I opened. I really like her choice of gifts (note the plural). ;) They are really cute! I placed them in the respective places. However, one thing stood out among the paraphernalia. It wasn't expensive either, but to me, it is priceless.

A message.

Do you have any idea how I longed to get a message, an actual, physical message, from a friend (besides greeting cards)? No one has done that for a long time! I felt terribly touched by what she had written there, about how we became close together and some nice thank-you messages for me. But most importantly, how glad she is to have me as a friend. I could have cried if I were more sensitive. =) I mean, it really means a lot to me to hear that. It just makes me feel warm inside, comforted by the thought that I have a true friend. Well, honestly, I am glad to meet her and befriend her as well. Sure, we may have our differences. She may not be perfect. I'm not too. We overlooked our imperfections and concentrated on the good ones.

I'm so glad to have such a friend. =) Words themselves cannot describe my appreciation. Thank you for the message. It really made my day. And you have made me feel special in your eyes. =)

I will treasure that message in my memory box. Yes, I do have one! There really isn't much inside. It's mostly birthday cards, greetings and photos (which aren't many). Yeah, it's kind of my secret desire to receive meaningful messages from friends once in a while. Okay, it's not on the top of my wishlist. You know what I mean, right? Sometimes, when you're feeling down or bored, you'll just sift through your memory box or messages (or whatever really!) to remind yourself that you are special in someone's eyes. And those are really comforting facts.

Come Tuesday, I wasn't expecting anyone to divulge her secrets to me. I am not as close to this person as other close friends. The day before, I politely asked her for passwords to her secret blog posts in Wordpress since I'm quite "inquisitive" myself. ;) Hahaha! Anyway, I have not got a response from her until Tuesday afternoon (nor do I want to bring up the subject matter). So I went online and managed to catch her. She must be psychic that I wanted the passwords without me saying much except "Hi!". =O Then, I made a small comment regarding her blog posts. And well, I felt joyous to know that I am trustworthy enough to let her confide her secret. (I love secrets!)

She began to talk about her relationship problems with a certain guy. And she thinks it's girl talk. I don't think so! I think guys do talk about relationship problems too. At least I will. ;) So yes, we chatted. It was pretty interesting to listen to her problems. It wasn't so funny actually (well, she and I kept laughing probably because she made it sound quite hilarious). =P It was kind of weird to know that even though I eavesdropped that morning and overheard her best friend hinting on a certain someone. Truthfully, it sounds weird she have been liking that guy for quite a long time. I guess those are what you call secrets.

Pardon me for making a weird analogy to The Sims 2, but after being her listener to her secrets, it sort of boosted our relationship points by a lot. And I mean a lot! I think secrets are built upon a foundation of trust. And maybe as you know more about the person, the trust grows and people will forge really close together. It really reminds me of how I first divulged my crush to a mutual friend. Guess what? We're now really close and it has gone to the extend that I really trust her enough to let her in on this blog. We both now voraciously share secrets. It's really fun. But at the same time, it brings us even more closer together after gaining more understanding of each other. It's funny how secrets shared lead from one thing to another, huh? =)

You know, that next day, she told me that she too keep a secret diary which is shared among herself and her close friend. I was dumbfounded and even more when she told me I have actually seen the book before! It so does not look like a diary! =O So when I saw her this morning writing on it, I smiled. She smiled. We understood. =D It's really cool to know something which no one else knows! Hehehe! I'm sure she will agree when she reads this. =P

Anyway, today I had my oral exam today. English, to be exact. It went well. =) It was like having a tea with friends. Okay, that's a bit exaggerated, but it felt like a casual conversation. I was clearly nervous though. =S It was rather similar to my mock orals I had the other day. I think I owe that success to this blog! Seriously, I learned a lot from here on expressing myself better to people. I find it kind of enjoyable to say personal stuffs to strangers. It's like an amazing feeling! Really, I enjoyed it. The funny thing is that I was talking about this big dilemma which happened just recently when I got such a topic. It was very coincidental. I had no idea how such a confusing situation can serve as a base for my topic! Really! =P

The Malay orals, however, is a completely different story. The topics usually do not touch a personal level. And that is kind of disadvantageous to me, combined with the fact that I have yet to gain fluency in that language. This will come later anyway.

That morning during English, I cannot believe that I was commended on my Commonwealth essay. This is my first time to receive merit for my composition, and I'm terribly happy! I have always wished my Commonwealth essays were given some form of recognition and I finally got one. Yippee! =D Horray! Horray! *does a dance*

Biology today was a pretty sad period. Everyone have just gotten back their Paper 2s, and almost everyone wore a sad look. I wanted to claim half a mark actually due to marking errors but after combining my papers together, it doesn't make any difference to my average. Furthermore, it gives the impression to people that I'm a marks-eating monster who keeps on the lookout for marks. I feel really bad to claim more marks even when I'm the highest. I feel sorry for my friend above who got me the present as she hasn't done as well as she had thought. Furthermore, she has got gastric and I really don't want to further upset her. I shrugged it off since I feel bad whether or not I claim marks. I claimed later when I found out I could get an additional half a mark. This probably will influence my average, but I'm not bothered about recalculating it!

Sometimes, it's not easy to be the top in the class. People feel jealous. Okay, I admit, I feel jealous when my peers, especially my academic rivals, do better than me and I usually vow to get them back. However, my procrastinating habit sets me back and the vicious cycle of jealousy keeps on looping. =( Sometimes, I wish I could just accept the fact I'm never always the best. It would make my life easier a little bit.

During recess, while I was feasting on my beef rendang, something embarrassing happened! I was so freaked out by it. When I was pulling out my handkerchief from my pocket, a lip balm stick flew out and landed on the floor with a "Clink!", right in front of two Year 8 girls. My eyes widened in horror and my heart thumped really fast. I was silently cursing myself for being so careless and with my handkerchief, I quickly hid it and brought it into my pocket rather nonchalantly and continued reading the notice board. It was terribly embarrassing, whoever have heard of a guy carrying a lip stick in his pocket (that was the impression given! =( )? I need it because I have dry lips, but still. I bet they were gossiping next to me while I found a distraction. Why hadn't I go away? =O

Anyway, after school, before my orals, I hung out with a guy friend of mine. I enjoyed talking to him. When I saw him looking at the notice board at the foyer with bored look, I invited him to eat with me in class. So we did, and we were in class alone enjoying our food. I don't really remember what we talked about though. I just enjoyed the moment. You know, I really want to go out and have some fun with him. So I hinted (Lol!) that we eat at a local Japanese restaurant when we have our next orals, since school lets out early due to the Ramadhan fasting month for the Muslims. And he said he will think about it.

After that, we just wandered around the school courtyard since the library was closed. Then we met the examiners and I was kind of scared when I saw one of them was a native speaker. I was kind of afraid I wouldn't be able to understand what he says. I was acting strangely nervous when he spoke to me. Sheesh, the exam has not even started and I already gave a bad impression. =O

So anyway, after chilling out, we went up to the examination hall with the others. The exam started rather early, so before it started, my friend went to look for a toilet to gel his hair. I mean, is that necessary? =P Okay, so we found a small toilet in the top floor and we both went in and he gelled his hair.

"What am I rambling? Why are you telling me such a boring story about you and him?", you may ask. Guys, I know this sounds really, really strange. Should I really go on? I think I better continue the story. So we both went in, and he gelled his hair. My heart pounded as we went in and I began to ramble nonsense and ask stupid questions. Like "I don't know how to gel my hair. How do you gel yours?"

You may think I'm insane and crazy to suddenly be so unlike me. I don't know guys, but I think of this fellow in a ... different way. I don't know why I feel like this. Normally, when I hang out with a bunch of guys, I don't feel giddy and funny. Somehow, I was like that. I really don't know. I'm so confused. No, I don't want to be orientated differently from the rest. It's not doing me any good. I like girls, as you can see from my crushes.

I don't normally get nervous when I talk to him. Maybe a couple of times, I feel strange but it wasn't as bad as just now. It's just ... so wrong, I tell you! He's really ... I don't know. Just catches my fancy. I have no idea why either. It was a pretty awkward moment for me. Oh my gosh, I just don't know!

And he usually copies my homework too!

Am I confusing between friendship and romance? I think I am. Maybe I just want to know him better as a friend. Like be close, but not that close. Or maybe I just want something more than being just close friend, or even a best friend... Hmm...?

NO WAY!!!! =O

Whatever it is, I really hope this feeling will pass. And I have absolutely no intent in telling him this. There is no way I'm going to jeopardise our friendship just because of my confusion. I'll keep it to myself, and with you guys.

This is so confusing and illogical. I wish I could be just like an ordinary teenage boy at times. Sorry if that kind of thing turns you off.

By the way, I just want to apologise for not living up to the purpose of my blog recently. It's just that I'm tired and there really isn't much going on nowadays. Furthermore, I'll be too pooped from a long day at school. I really hope you guys understand. I'm really sorry...

[+] There's more!

@ 12.09 pm...

In less than 24 hours, I'll be heading into that claustrophobic exam room and sitting for my piano practical exam. I'm scared; I'm really scared that I get so nervous and jittery, my hands shake and vibrate and I'll mess up my preparation! =( I hate it when that happens. Vibrating hands may be good to produce vibrato in violin, but not in piano! What if I fail, again? No...

I'm beginning to doubt that my 2 hours daily practices are enough. Maybe I need more, like 5 hours. Unfortunately, I know I can't because my attention span cannot stretch so far. And I have the feeling that I'll mess up even more because I get careless and lost in my thoughts. I even get distracted by an hour of playing, let alone five! How much is enough? Am I asking for too much?

I may play well now, but when it comes to the real thing, funny errors and slips will start to pop up. That will then trigger more mistakes and in the end, it'll be one vicious cycle of errors! I just want to do well, that's all. A pass will do and I'll be really happy.

Okay, you know what? I can't stand the wait. All I want is to get over it and play as well as how I practice. That's all it matters. Just play well and get over it. And never again.

*sigh*


Updated: 10:30 pm

Below are the links to my exam pieces:

1. A1 - Allegro, by Handel (Baroque music)


2. B1 - Esquisse, by Gliere (Romantic - Contemporary music)


3. C1 - For Johnny Mehegan, by Leonard Bernstein (21st Century Jazz)

My camera was the mock examiner and surprisingly, I was less nervous than last time, but still nervous. I remembered last time how I quivered when I tried recording my songs. Despite I telling myself there's no one around to watch me, I suddenly feel so self-conscious. I still am, and it isn't a pleasant feeling. But I did it! =D I'm feeling rather optimistic now and I really hope all goes well tomorrow.

Oh, guess what? I just realise you can directly embed videos in blog posts. >.< How nice! I should have made such serendipity earlier. =P

[+] There's more!

Although I feel "quite prepared" for the piano exam I'll be sitting in a few days time, I keep on thinking that my preparation isn't quite enough. An hour a day only since Monday isn't going to cut the cake. (I do practice for at least 3 - 5 days every week way before the exams of course.)

The intensive practices I am having are so far so good. My scales improved tremendously and I'm really glad it did. My fingers finally cooperated with my brain. Thank goodness the neurone pathways have been established. =D My pieces too are hopefully up to standard, with the exception of the last jazz piece which is agitated, dynamic and short (really short, around 40 seconds)! Despite its key is in C major, the presence of accidentals and the chords makes things tough. And as if that wasn't enough, the piece just has to sound bad! Oddly enough, it sounds the best out of all the bad-sounding pieces of the last piece section.

I am so tired of playing them over and over again. Yes, only a couple more days left before I can forget them and move on! But really, I'm sick of it. I had wanted to practice more than the 20 minutes practice just now, but I was tired. I have read and experienced that I shouldn't practice when I'm tired as it will actually make them worse. Then again, I feel insecure about my upcoming exam performance. Will I scrape at least a pass?

Sure, I may be adequately prepared for these two aspects of my exam but I have to leave sight-reading and aural sections to God. Oh goodness, I absolutely dread sight-reading! I'm a bad music reader; I'm as good as a child who has just begun his music lessons. Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a little but my sight-reading skills set me back many grades behind. It's not that I can't read musical notations, I'm just a slow reader. It's like one who reads every letter instead of the whole word. This is especially true when it comes to chords. I have to scrutinize and analyse the chord which can take me up to ten seconds to recognise, go "Oh!" and press the keys. Oh man! Even the sight-reading sessions I have during piano lessons did not help much. I'm also intimidated to even sight-read random manuscripts at home. My playing will be so atrocious I can barely go on! =(

Like I have a choice not to sight-read for the exam! =P I have gritted my teeth and sight-read these couple of days. Even if 2 sight-reading pieces are involved a day. I just hope on the day itself, I can coax the piano to play for me. Sufficiently enough to garner me a pass in that section. Lol!

I'm glad that after this, I am under no obligation to pursue Grade 8 piano exams immediately. My teacher is all right with that. =) *phew* It's just that I need to do more exploration with different musical pieces, not just the exam pieces. Plus, I need more practice and experience (as well as improve my sight-reading) before I can call myself a "Grade 8 pianist". There's a lot more to do and I myself know I don't fit the Grade 8 criteria, let alone Grade 7 or 6.

I hope I won't end up nervous on the real day. I really don't want to recall the day when I failed my Grade 5 practical. I don't even know what was wrong with me at that time. No nerves, no nerves! No finger slips! No blank out! You have gone through this six times, the seventh time will still be the same.

Right? =(

I just want to get over it, for Pete's sake! Gahhh! =O I will play to my heart's content on that day, and let music instead of words be my expression. To let the mood of the music convey my expression. I hope that works! Wish me luck! =O

[+] There's more!

An outing today with two of my good friends almost went horribly wrong when there was an unexpected phone call for me yesterday afternoon. I croaked a hello and I was quite nervous to hear an unfamiliar voice over the line. I wondered who she was. She called in to inform me that I had won in a science essay writing competition.

Yippee, I was overjoyed! After a few years of writing for that competition in vain, I finally won something. I was very surprised that I have won because I was pretty sure I did not write well for it. I think it was one of my worse compositions. =\ I began to ask a string of incredulous questions to confirm what she had said. And I was quite embarrassed that I was behaving rather "unofficially". After realising that, I composed myself and asked more seriously when is the prize-giving ceremony. Guess what was her response?

Oh, it will be held at some school. Tomorrow (okay). In the afternoon (wait, did she say it was in the afternoon? Oh no!).

I apologised frantically and told her it was not possible because I have an outing to go. I have been looking forward to it since it was planned quite some time ago and besides, I am itching to watch Ratatouille! =( She was sorry to hear that but I was instructed to be there. I did not have much of a choice there, so I uttered a weak yes and waited for her to hang up.

I was really lost. No, it isn't possible! I simply cannot miss the outing. Instinctively, I ran up the stairs and signed in to Windows Live Messenger, hoping to find her online. She was, and I immediately told her the bad news. Needless to say, she did not take it quite well. She suggested that I send a representative and skip the whole thing. As much as I want to, I can't. I simply do not want to take the trouble to beg or coerce someone to go in my place while I recline on the cinema chair and laugh at a funny moment in Ratatouille. That's pretty unfair. I know this sounds pretty ridiculous, but I would like to get my own hands on the prize. To be pretty honest, it would be really strange to see my name being represented by someone else in the newspaper tomorrow. It would be funny. (In my country, the media usually publishes interesting reports on such a monotonous fanfare an event!)

I wasn't able to answer her when she asked what would I do. I was groaning out of sheer frustration. Not again! I thought I have been through this already two days ago. I think once is more than enough. So I stared at the screen looking dumbfounded as I scanned for solutions and ideas. I wanted to strike up a compromise, but I have a feeling it won't compromise well. I entered panic mode again. I was breathing hard and the world around me cease to exist. My problems are getting amplified and I was heading no where. "This is crazy! I need to talk to someone! Anyone!"

I was hoping a guardian angel would sign in, but alas, it didn't. I was hopping in frustration and fear. I kept asking myself the same question. As much as I disliked doing it, I have to ask for my best friend's help again. *groan* It's not that I hated doing that, it's just that I did not want to trouble him again. What can I do? It's either that or turn psychotic myself! And I spilled all my troubles to him. It took a few minutes, but after my spillage, I was so surprised that I actually ran out of words to say. *chuckle*

He suggested me to do the same thing as well. To go ahead with my original plan. Tell her that I can still make it for lunch but I have to leave for the ceremony after that. I contemplated about it and other possible solutions but that was what I have got. It's the best so far. Besides, she would be understanding about it if she really is my friend. Besides, I can't help it. It's the other party which is at fault for telling me the day before the real thing! =O (At least, that is what those two convinced me.) Well, thank goodness she is. And how was I supposed to know she thought I would be away the whole time? I laughed out of sheer comfort. =D It was really great to have her as a friend. I had no idea what I was fearing of.

Do I?

At least I bought time. Time must have cooled things a bit. To allow both of us to collect our thoughts properly. I'm glad things work out in the end. But to go through this again? Oh no! I had enough excitement with friends for a week!

The outing was fun! =) The one thing that is most memorable to me are the hugs from the birthday girl. One was for getting her a pretty cool gift (horray, she likes it!) and the other one was before I left. You know, as much as I avoid hugs, I secretly love them. I don't know, but I feel kind of comforted and loved (not in the romantic sense) when I get hugged. And I don't know how to put it, but in a way, it strengthens the bond and the trust you have with the other person.

I sure would like to relive the moments again.

I'm a guy, however, and I don't get hugged by friends. It would be great to. *smiles*

I do not remember much about the ceremony. I only remember having this thought, "What am I doing here on a Monday afternoon during a school holiday going for a silly prize-giving ceremony? I could have gone to catch the movie instead!". When I entered the hall, I asked myself, "What are all these people doing here on a Monday afternoon during a school holiday? And aren't the adults supposed to be working?" (Yeah, I have funny thoughts!)

I was really glad Nicholas Sparks entertained me throughout the entire ceremony. He's a really awesome writer, and it makes the whole thing so much more bearable. Man, I immediately regretted going for it, and I wished that I called for a representative to take my place so that I can go watch Ratatouille. Never mind about him having to suffer! =D Dang, I hate having a guilty conscience at times! =P

I do not mean to sound so nasty about that event, but I really think it wasn't worth my time. Despite that, it was quite a good day for me. I'm glad I did not spend a lot of time near the computer. =P

[+] There's more!

After some encouragement from my best friend, I plucked out my courage and decided to approach her directly asking her whether she was mad at me or not. I hesitantly pressed enter. She said she wasn't mad at me and she actually forgot the chat that took place last night. Apparently, it was all in my imagination. Darn it for going overboard! =) It always happens. I so hate paranoia. =P

When I told her the reason why I thought she was angry, she laughed her head off! =D I was so relieved but slightly perturbed that she was laughing at my suffering. =P It does not matter. I'm really glad she treats me a very close friend. And that she wouldn't dream of disliking me just because of that.

For that, I'm really grateful to have a really good friend like her. Oh, this blog post may sound strange. Well, to keep a long story short, I misunderstood her words, something that happens to me when I talk to people online. Maybe that explains why I don't really like chatting with people via IM even though it is a good vehicle of communication.

Yes, this explains why the blog post below was short and abrupt. I deleted the meat of it because it was not relevant anymore. And I certainly did not want to remember it! =) Cheers, people. Have a great weekend!

[+] There's more!

I was so scared I nearly cried when I added another close friend in my refugee e-mail and was sort of crying for help. It progressed from there to ranting to something else. And I did something I will probably not do again.

I told her about this blog. A blog which I have kept secret from everybody who I know. I gave her the URL. I don't know why I did it, but I trust her a lot and I really feel that she should know about this. I hope that she will guard this secret of mine very fiercely (she will).

Since it is getting quite late, I will end here for today. It is a rather abrupt end, but my thoughts are disorientated now. I'll see you guys soon. I'm having my term holiday now anyway.

P.S. For the sake of privacy, the date of this post was changed.

[+] There's more!