I have a family. They aren't perfect. Two of my family members have a fiery temperament.

My goodness, how I wish I were more proud and hold grudges against you two. It would make my life so much easier. I have to be such a nice guy. =(

You know what? They are family and I always love them both. Even though they can get on my nerves like once in a while. I can compromise. My mom can. I just wish my elder brother could (maybe he does and I'm not aware of it).

I wish I could write more, but I don't want to backstab my family. Not even here. I am feeling guilty even blogging about this. Man, this sucks! =P

Surprisingly, all is forgiven; grudges are forgotten. A long time ago already, even. The end. =)

EDIT 29 October 2007, 9:07 p.m.: Well, I did blog about it but I have hidden most of the blog post among comment tags. You can still view them, if you know how. =P I am feeling paranoid that one of my family members stumble upon this, and things wouldn't be really pretty. I was tossing and turning on my bed last night thinking of the consequences. Sorry, but I'm feeling a bit paranoid. =S

[+] There's more!

It's bad enough that this subject is sometimes over my head. It's even worse when you have forgotten the easy concepts you were supposed to know. That was what happened to me yesterday. I lost 3 or 4 marks from the refraction practical question. I thought it would be easy peasy, since we have done a few similar experiments during practical classes before.

I cannot believe I completely dismissed the normal line at the angles of incidence and refraction. Thus, my refraction angle is measured to be higher than the given angle of incidence. Not surprisingly, the refractive index of the glass prism is less than 1. The wise words of my Physics teacher kept on echoing in my brain: "There is no such object in this universe with a refractive index of < 1. If you get that for your practicals, then you are wrong."

I was definitely wrong. I couldn't do anything because my time limit for that question was up, and I had to move to the next experiment. The resistance question was also done rather badly. Apparently, my Physics teacher didn't realise the multimeter wasn't connected properly to the circuit, thus the reading obtained hovers at 2.70V despite the addition of resistors. It wasn't until half an hour of frustration later when I dared to twiddle with the circuit despite being told not to do so. After connecting the loose resistor (with unknown resistace) properly with the multimeter, the potential difference finally fluctuated when resistors were introduced to the circuit.

Somehow, I think everything was messed up. I switched the voltage of the power pack to 4V in order to give a 3V reading (we were told that the voltage would be around 3V, but initially, after fixing the circuit, the voltage dropped to 2.1V). This affected my graph. I was unable to answer the last 2 questions because my graph lines which were concave couldn't be extended low enough to find out the value of a resistor when the voltage is 0.5V. The last question was way out of my league. I couldn't figure a correct way of obtaining the value.

However, I was more (and very!) disappointed with my refraction experiment because I could do it! An easy 3 - 4 marks were lost just like that! Everyone could do that except for me. Woe is me! =( Oh man, there goes my chance of obtaining a hopefully A1 in Physics... =( I think I have to pull my socks up for Papers 1 and 2. It's really stupid. I wished I had studied well in advance on the refraction topic before going in to the laboratory.

One thing's for sure. I will never, ever forget Snell's Law and refraction ever again! I must meditate on this picture day and night, and burn this image into my head so that I will always remember it forever.



Hey, that picture from Google even has the same angle of incidence as my practical paper's! Oh my gosh! So that's the approximate answer. OH MAN! =(

The Computer Studies paper wasn't as bad as I feared, considering the fact that I just skimmed through the textbook the night before. I did do some studying a fortnight before, but that was like a few 15-minute sessions a week. =| I've got the exam jitters right before the exam. Yeah, my best friend was able to spontaneously answer questions my peers bombarded him. His answers were fluent and precise, of course. I freaked out as I thought my rather fragmented knowledge of the subject was good enough but apparently, when compared to his, it wasn't good enough. And I tried in vain to speed-read my textbook and pick up as much information as I can. He thought I remained quiet because I knew all of the answers. No, it was lack of.

Anyway, not long after, we had to go in to the exam class. I was still quite shaken about the practical test just two hours ago and I didn't think I was able to handle the paper well. Thank goodness the paper was "a walk in a park". I never liked to label exam papers as easy because there is this unspoken rule that whenever one says that, one will not do as well due to carelessness. =| Anyway, yes, the questions were alright. I think I will lose quite a number of marks because I wasn't able to answer some questions that correctly. I'm praying for an A1 in that paper, although I don't believe I can do it. =( I didn't exactly approach the paper with confidence.

So much for that. I can finally declare Computer Studies history. I doubt I'll be picking up the subject again for tertiary education. After half a decade of learning such a dry subject (I wished it was more interesting and more "up-to-date" =( ), I think I had had enough. I'll do my learning on the Internet the next time. =D

Anyway, I think these papers were an advance warning to me, because honestly, I have been taking things way too easy. Revisions are sporadic, while play times are frequent. I'm slacking off really badly and at the wrong time. Warrior Princess once said if you're not trying hard, you do not want something hard enough. I guess I'm not wanting good grades badly enough, and that is why I am not trying that hard. I think in a way, it's true.

I think I seriously need to rethink my actions and think of the consequences. But it is so hard to go cold turkey without the PC. =O I really must try. My future is at stake.

P.S. Wikipedia has a pretty good article on refraction if you're interested.

[+] There's more!

Everything is my mom, my mom, my mom! Arghhh! I can renew I.C. by myself and the man said you don't need the necessary documents which I think you store in the bank.

Why must you be away to perform religious duties at the time of my I.C. expiring? Do you want me to get fined for renewing at a later date which is only a few days. I'm sitting for 2 exams this Thursday and you won't be back until then. What if I am refused entry because my I.C. expired? You say it's okay, it's okay, just wait for me to come back, then we will renew it together. Man, I shall blame you if that happens for unnecessarily putting my future into jeopardy. Besides, I'm 17 and I am capable of doing this myself! =(

I hate to feel so dependent on people to carry out tasks! Oh, and the first process of renewing my I.C. sucks. There is no information given on where you can get registration forms and they aren't provided freely on the table. You have to request for it yourself personally. I dislike having to ask people for it. That is still alright. I didn't expect filling in a form, and so I didn't have a pen. Guess what the Immigration Department is lacking? Pens! =O

Since I did not have a pen and I do not know the necessary information (e.g. date of issue of birth certificate and passport, dad's citizenship certificate, my swear-in citizenship letter (?)), I had to go home to call my mom (forget about the expensive trunk calls!) up for the information and filling in the form.

Before that, I had to endure an hour plus for my transport, and I went hysteric at the Immigration Department. I was groaning and walking around looking for my car in vain. I was so angry because he had to come late (it wasn't his fault as there was a long line of people waiting) and I do not have a mobile phone! I'm so frustrated by the fact that I can't even place a simple phone call. Asking people around me to lend me their phones is out. In these days of paranoia, I could borrow and steal. That's the mentality. *sigh*

I was literally begging the air to magically give me a mobile phone. I even thought of resorting boarding the bus and go to the nearest commercial hub and get myself a cheap US$70 mobile phone! The public phone is out of question. None receives cash; only phone cards. Eeyaghh!

I went ballistic and I was at tethers of crying because I had no transport to go home! =( I'm stuck at some place and there isn't anything I can do. I feel helpless, and I hate feeling helpless. I nearly admitted myself into a mental institution when the car finally came. Unfortunately, I was a bit rude with the driver and I shouldn't have acted that way because it wasn't anyone's fault technically.

My mom had the guts to tell me to postpone renewing my I.C. Thanks so much. =( Why do you had to make me I.C. a month after my 12th birthday? You could have done that at most 2 weeks from then. Probably this will never happen. And you never guided me through the process. So here I am, stuck and not knowing what to do. And I wasted so much time renewing my I.C. for nothing.

MAN, THIS SUCKS! =( I have to wait for a few more days.

I'm running out of patience. This cannot wait.

[+] There's more!

Sporadic blogging beckons because it's that time of the month again - examinations! However, this time round, this is a very serious public exam (Cambridge GCE O Levels) which is a stepping stone to tertiary education. In other words, it's not worth screwing it up! =P Unfortunately, my studying odyssey isn't going too great with the sudden introductions of distractions around the house.

So what am I doing besides studying? Recently, I have just discovered Desperate Housewives. Yeap, it's that famous comedy-drama series. I like watching the few episodes of it when I was in Australia last year. It wasn't until now (great timing!) that I have the urge to watch it. I feel kind of embarrassed as a guy that I love that show and am watching it enthusiastically. I have to admit it is pretty addictive! I really love the plots and sub-plots that were woven so perfectly, and how the lives of four women were separate yet linked. Furthermore, it is a good portrayal of life. Love, happiness, fun, deceptions, betrayals, jealousy etc. You can learn a lot from it.

*sigh* And I have finished 3 seasons in a span of a few weeks after buying the DVDs. I can't wait for Season 4! =D I can't believe Star World is still showing Season 3 and Season 4 will not be out anytime soon. =(

I wished I was introduced to American series sooner. Seriously, I cannot believe they are so entertaining. Man, I think I'm weaned from cartoons. Hahaha! =P The next one I'm going to watch is definitely Heroes. A few of my friends have watched it, and they said it was great. I'll buy the DVDs after my exams are over so that I can watch Season 2 in time next year without feeling lost. Yay! I can't wait! =D

I also recently discovered Linux, the free operating system (OS). I have contemplated of upgrading to Windows Vista but after reading horrendous reviews about it only, I then knew Windows XP was so much better. Then comes the serendipity of Linux. I have heard of it before from a geek friend of mine. It wasn't until after some voracious research, I have thought of getting a distro.

I've downloaded Knoppix and I am currently using it via live CD. It has great GUI and it looks pleasingly aesthetic. It's a nice change from the boring XP look. I've enjoyed using it, so much so I'm planning to dual-boot my hard drive with a Linux distro and Windows XP (for my Windows games). More on this later when I have more time to review Linux.

Regarding my Grade 7 piano practical exam, I'm glad to say I passed... barely. I got a 101/150, which is 1 mark more than the mininum passing grade. Honestly, I wish I am happy about it but I'm not. *sigh* The other day, I went out for dinner with the prefects and on my table, the piano examinees were talking about their grades and sharing their experiences with piano.

"Oh, I got borderline merit."

"And I got borderline distinction."

Shut up! I'm so embarrassed to announce my marks. "Eheh, I got a borderline pass?" Yet, my teacher was pretty okay with my performance. My confidence with piano sank down really hard that night, and until today, I am subconciously affected by it. I think I have reached my limit in musicality. I can't get any better. Not with practices that I am reluctant to do. Not surprisingly, I'm not taking Grade 8. And that is my own decision. My fellow music prodigies decided to go for Grade 8, like immediately. I feel like doing a face which says, "Screw you!". I'm sorry to say that, but yes, I feel so inferior compared to these superhumans.

Furthermore, I learned that night that piano teachers are freaky. They hyperventilate and lecture you when you make a mistake during classes and during performances. My friend that day told me that a piano teacher went ballistic because her student did not pass his exams.

CRAZY, I tell you! =O I'm starting to think I'm lucky to have such a nice piano teacher.

Everyone MUST pick up piano. It's the norm, especially in Asia. I took it up when I was young voluntarily. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so doubtful of my own musical abilities now. I'm slowly losing my grip. Is it worth to bother finishing Grade 8? People say I shouldn't stop (at least I know they would say that) since I'm near the top but I think endowing myself as a Grade 8 pianist is like labelling a high school student a university graduate. I'm just not cut for it. I just want to play for fun. Not as a profession. I just wish people around me will understand that. I don't want to quit, but that somehow influences me to.

The topic on music went on for quite some time. It was the worst time of my life. As a musician, I can't connect with other musicians. I think it's a bit tad sad. It is a mistake if you suddenly bring up a topic about piano. I'll shy away and try to change topic. =(

The topic went on to swimming. Okay, it is good. At least it's something I can do adequately and can relate too. It went straight on to competitive swimming. Oh great, here we go again. =S I learnt that swimming coaches can be as crazy as piano teachers. My friend had a coach which made him do drills after drills, after drills. If you fail to turn up for even a day of practice session, they'll decapitate you first before asking questions. You have to breathe swimming, eat swimming, play swimming and sleep swimming! =O

At that moment, I was thinking, what the hell is wrong with society? Nuts, I say! When it comes to competition, everyone is inconsiderate. No excuses, no frills. Just do it. If you can't do it, I'll make you do it.

AHHHH!

Again, I think I'm lucky to have such a nice coach. At least he seems nice...

I have a friend, or rather an academic rival. He is one of the scientific brainiacs in class. It's no surprise since "his mom is a Physics teacher". Guess what? Teachers are surprised when he fails to get 80 and above for Chemistry and Physics. His mom gets disappointed, edgy, frustrated and murderous when he gets bad results, which is pretty good to most people, even me. He feels sad because he is about to get punished.

I'm glad my mom isn't anywhere like that. She loves me for who I am and my current capabilities. =)

Just when you think your are happy with yourself. Then, there are people out there who goes on and on about their disappointment in not achieving perfection. Don't you just wish there was some way to silence their neighing?

I'm a hypocrite. I'm like that too, only at times. Still, there is a limit to it, right? It is one way of improving ourselves by competing. Too much is unhealthy...

*sigh*

I must concentrate on studies first. That is my main priority. I'll worry about piano and swimming and others after exams, when there is plenty of time to do it. Then again, maybe I won't.

I think this blog post has went off tangent. Lol!

[+] There's more!

Dear blog,

Are we a broken family? =( Everyone doesn't trust each other now, and I'm really sad. My mother thinks she has failed to be a good mother. It's not your fault, Mummy. My brothers and I have turned out to be your biggest disappointments. I don't bloody care about them anymore. They don't take responsibility in their actions. They're such dickheads.

Mummy and Daddy, I'm really sorry if I hadn't been a good son to you. I haven't been talking to you much ever since I have entered my teenage years. I know you missed my talkativeness when I was a kid. So that you know, even though I may be quiet, but I don't hate you. I love you very, very much. And it tears my heart to say that, because it took me a freaking 17 years to realise that you have brought me up well. And I am forever indebted to you.

I should tell you about this. Maybe some other time.

And Mummy, you are a great mother. I always look up to everything you do. You have flaws, but you are only human. My brothers cannot accept that. I sometimes can't, but I do. And I understand. Because you think your efforts are in vain. Your love isn't reciprocated.

I know. Because I'm your son.

I just want all of this silly feuds to be over. Not at this time when I have exams. I wish my elder brother didn't come back at this time. He distracts me, and his presence seems to start up silly arguments. Just want a happy family...

Love, that frolicsome kid.

[+] There's more!

I was on the way to dinner with my siblings when the radio aired the song Seasons in the Sun. I stared out wistfully into the town buildings. As the song played and the first verse was sung, I thought of my best friend.

I cried. I weeped silently...

All those happy memories came flooding back. The good times we had in lower secondary years, the outing we had just now just filled my senses. I closed my eyes. My parents came into my vision. The sight of my mom laughing and hearing her signature laughter just soothes me. And I thought of my dad. My brothers. And my close friends. The good times we all had, the joys we shared, and the friendships we have.

I cherished those moments. I was shedding tears of joy that just streamed down my face. On the other hand, I feel sad and melancholy about it. I missed those moments, but I know there will be many more to come in the future.

I cried throughout the entire song. The memories were vivid and clear. I could feel as if I'm reliving those moments once again.

That is the first song which moved me. No song has ever aroused so much emotion from me before. However, it wasn't the first time I heard it, but at that time, it just moved me by bringing back memories from the past. The good ones which make my life so much more bearable.

And I really value the friendships I have with them. That's because they are real and tangible. I thank God for having these people in my life. Thank you... =)

[+] There's more!

I feel physically unhealthy. No, I'm not sick or anything, it's just that I have been lacking exercise for at least a few months. Ever since I have been diagnosed pneumothorax a couple of weeks ago, I haven't been going to swimming lessons. I am already lagging far behind class, especially since my mates have been undergoing intensive training for a swimming competition early this month. I've lost my stamina and my overall physical fitness.

To make matters worse, my brother himself did not even bother turning up for training lessons. He was insistently stubborn after reminding him a couple of times over and over. As a result, he wasn't put in to the competition. Now, I do not dare to show my face in the next class this Sunday as we will both be labelled as lazy. Heck, I don't even know whether we will be re-enrolled as we haven't confirmed our turn-up for this term since we did not go for swimming classes for some time. I can just imagine the angry look on my coach's face and the disappointment for our shoddy performance.

I do have a genuine reason because I was advised to stay out of the pool by the doctor, and furthermore, I had my mocks but somehow, I feel that such excuses cannot be tolerated. It shows that I am not ready to be fully committed to it. The sporadic attendances is a proof of it, plus my absence from the competition. I myself am willing to go for it were I in good shape. My brother just made things worse. Argh, I can't believe he is such a lazy bum (and I mean really lazy)! =( I am seriously annoyed with his lackadaisical attitude!

I wished I did swim a few laps in the stadium pool. However, I really do not want to trouble my driver. It's not only that, I doubt my mom would let me go since "the doctor advised me to stay away from pool for four to six weeks" even thought it's already the seventh/eighth week. Hey, while I was trying to carry my brother's luggage yesterday, my mom scolded me for lifting it. I was already pathetically weak for a guy, and to stop me from exerting my muscles, gosh, I think I could just rot into oblivion! I'm serious. Like how I'm not supposed to carry heavy objects with my left arm since I broke it when I was in Year 2. Come on, my bones have healed already! Will my bones actually crumble into dust due to the weight of the heavy objects? Of course not!

Thanks a lot. I bet my future wife will be stronger than me. I'm such a man! =(

Swim a few laps. If I can actually make a few laps. I hate my inactivity.

Just now, there was a perfect opportunity to get back into shape when after all those months, my neighbour started calling me again to play basketball. I thought it would be great, but after reading a friend's message of whether I used a lip balm or not and my neighbour's unsporting behaviour in basketball, I gave an excuse that I need to complete my homework. I feel really bad rejecting them over and over again, but I was holding back out of fear. =( At least my brother agreed to go.

I tried to distract myself by typing out notes on radioactivity as I was in a mood to study. I quited after five minutes as I scolded myself on missing the opportunity to get back in shape. I cursed and I decided to check out things discreetly. I was let down once again when my neighbour shouted for an uncalled foul, and the siblings then argued among themselves again. I shook my head in pity and just laid down on a bed, thinking how I will survive in the upcoming swimming class, and just feeling bad about myself in keeping unfit all these while.

I don't know why I am so reluctant to exercise. And yet, I want to keep fit. Sometimes I ask myself why am I so lazy and yet wanting to see results? What am I waiting for?

I don't even know why I'm feeling like this. I don't even understand why I have to worry over nothing. *gives a lost look*

[+] There's more!

It's bad enough that I have dry lips and have to rely on using a lip balm. Why must that accident have to happen? I shouldn't have brought that lip balm stick to school, let alone put it in the same pocket as my handkerchief. I shouldn't have gone down to eat! =O It's so embarrassing!

Must one of the two girls have to go all the way to my other blog and ask such a personal question? She left a message, "Do I use a lip balm?". Yeah, obviously, since you have already seen it with your eyes. As much as I wished it wasn't an illusion, it wasn't. It projects an impression that I, a guy, is metrosexual. I don't worry about my appearance excessively! I wished I have no dry lips. On that day, I must bring that stick to school and put it in the pocket. Woe is me!

I'm very embarrassed. How am I supposed to answer it? Tell the whole world that I depend on it? I'll be laughed at! Even at this moment, I can feel the malicious gossip about me spreading from one person to another, as if acting rather feminine isn't bad enough. Maybe I should just delete her message, but that would make things worse by indirectly denying it. I could say I have dry lips, but I sound really ridiculous and people will laugh at me and call me names. =(

It's stupid! Ahhhhh! Why me? =O I feel really self-conscious now.

I was in a mood to study after I came back from lunch but after seeing that message, I lost my motivation. I started worrying and despite genetics being an interesting topic, I kept thinking about her message. I wished she asked me privately instead of online.

I really don't know what to do now... =( Stupid lips!

[+] There's more!

I have been thinking a lot about the previous post I have written. Towards the end, I reflected on the moment spent with a friend of mine. I have been thinking about where do I want exactly want to stand in the relationship, close-knit friendship or perhaps even something more. I shouldn't have spilled it to my keeper of secrets friend either. She was absolutely shocked when I told her via writing. To be honest, I felt really strange and weird (no, no, not the lovey-dovey flip flops, but more of a disgusted one).

I've been thinking about me and him, and to be honest, I would feel pretty unnatural about the whole complexities. I tried picturing it in my head, and I can't. It's not right for me. I tuned in to my inner thoughts, my subconscious me, and asked, "Is this what I really want?" He said no. And I understood. Because it isn't what I want. It's not right for me. I have confused between friendship and romance, and the boundary was somehow blurred. Besides, I really doubt he fancies me in an absolutely different way. He won't reciprocate my feelings. I bet he will flee as far away from me as possible.

I thought about it again over lunch. I don't think it will work out. I dislike that thought very much. I really do want to be close to him, but to be that close, no thanks! Too awkward, too strange, not right for us! Suddenly, the phrase "Do the right thing" rang in my head. And I think not taking any step further from friendship is exactly the right thing. It benefits the both of us.

The inner me smiled. =)

And it took only a day for me to clarify my feelings? Yeah, it seemed really fast but I had enough time to think. And this time, I feel comforted by that fact. I adhere to this quote by Grandmother Willow from Disney's Pocahontas:

Listen with your heart, you will understand.

- Grandmother Willow

[+] There's more!

Beware! This blog post is pretty text-heavy! Images will not accompany the text because I ran out of inspiration! Heehee!

Many pleasant events have taken place during the last few days. I feel really glad to experience them! =) Many of them deal with relationships. I just feel so loved and wanted. I'm really happy! I'm ecstatic to know I have many close friends. No, I don't mean a thousand or a million! =O Sure, I've got probably a few but that's plenty enough for me. Yahoo!

Before I delve into the subject of friendships, do you remember about the piano exam I had the other day? It turns out that it went quite well. It's definitely far from perfect, but I'm slightly optimistic about passing the exam! I'd still say that despite the fact that I had completely messed up my A1 exam piece (I murdered it! =P) due to nerves. *sigh* There were some slips in my scales, again due to nerves and carelessness.

But what I'm quite proud out is my accomplishment of sight-reading rather fluently! =D It's definitely much more easier than the normal practices my teacher drilled me in. There were minimal chords in it. I failed to obey the dynamics and the tempo but it came out decently. I'm really happy with it. And it is the first time I am actually hopeful that my sight-reading section can help pull my marks out. My aural however is a different story. I seriously have unmusical ears! =P I think I flunked my section. In one part of the aural, I was asked to sight-sing. I completely babbled random Do-Re-Mi notes. I wouldn't if the beat wasn't so fast! The examiner had already finished playing while I was still halfway singing in vain. =|

According to a friend, results will be released sometime next week. That's extremely fast and I hope he is really wrong! =P I hope the two years' work pays off. =)

I doubt I was actually concentrating in school that day itself. I spent half the day worrying about my exam while I spent the rest sharing my experience with my friends and simply rejoicing that I survived the ordeal. What an accomplishment! =D I won't be touching the piano for about a fortnight. No more playing the same three songs and scales over and over again. =D It drives me crazy!

That wasn't it on Monday. One of my close friends had a surprise for me - she announced to me that my birthday present was ready and she gave me after school. I was elated even though it was pretty early. Well, she told me it wouldn't be so nice to present me the present on my day itself since I'll be having an oral exam (what a bummer, huh?). I thanked her profusely and gladly accepted it. =)

To be honest, I wasn't thinking about it that much on the way home since I was too busy relieving the experience. However, as I approached home, I began to feel excited about opening the present. No, I wasn't patient enough to wait until my birthday. And why wait? =P Hee hee hee! So I opened. I really like her choice of gifts (note the plural). ;) They are really cute! I placed them in the respective places. However, one thing stood out among the paraphernalia. It wasn't expensive either, but to me, it is priceless.

A message.

Do you have any idea how I longed to get a message, an actual, physical message, from a friend (besides greeting cards)? No one has done that for a long time! I felt terribly touched by what she had written there, about how we became close together and some nice thank-you messages for me. But most importantly, how glad she is to have me as a friend. I could have cried if I were more sensitive. =) I mean, it really means a lot to me to hear that. It just makes me feel warm inside, comforted by the thought that I have a true friend. Well, honestly, I am glad to meet her and befriend her as well. Sure, we may have our differences. She may not be perfect. I'm not too. We overlooked our imperfections and concentrated on the good ones.

I'm so glad to have such a friend. =) Words themselves cannot describe my appreciation. Thank you for the message. It really made my day. And you have made me feel special in your eyes. =)

I will treasure that message in my memory box. Yes, I do have one! There really isn't much inside. It's mostly birthday cards, greetings and photos (which aren't many). Yeah, it's kind of my secret desire to receive meaningful messages from friends once in a while. Okay, it's not on the top of my wishlist. You know what I mean, right? Sometimes, when you're feeling down or bored, you'll just sift through your memory box or messages (or whatever really!) to remind yourself that you are special in someone's eyes. And those are really comforting facts.

Come Tuesday, I wasn't expecting anyone to divulge her secrets to me. I am not as close to this person as other close friends. The day before, I politely asked her for passwords to her secret blog posts in Wordpress since I'm quite "inquisitive" myself. ;) Hahaha! Anyway, I have not got a response from her until Tuesday afternoon (nor do I want to bring up the subject matter). So I went online and managed to catch her. She must be psychic that I wanted the passwords without me saying much except "Hi!". =O Then, I made a small comment regarding her blog posts. And well, I felt joyous to know that I am trustworthy enough to let her confide her secret. (I love secrets!)

She began to talk about her relationship problems with a certain guy. And she thinks it's girl talk. I don't think so! I think guys do talk about relationship problems too. At least I will. ;) So yes, we chatted. It was pretty interesting to listen to her problems. It wasn't so funny actually (well, she and I kept laughing probably because she made it sound quite hilarious). =P It was kind of weird to know that even though I eavesdropped that morning and overheard her best friend hinting on a certain someone. Truthfully, it sounds weird she have been liking that guy for quite a long time. I guess those are what you call secrets.

Pardon me for making a weird analogy to The Sims 2, but after being her listener to her secrets, it sort of boosted our relationship points by a lot. And I mean a lot! I think secrets are built upon a foundation of trust. And maybe as you know more about the person, the trust grows and people will forge really close together. It really reminds me of how I first divulged my crush to a mutual friend. Guess what? We're now really close and it has gone to the extend that I really trust her enough to let her in on this blog. We both now voraciously share secrets. It's really fun. But at the same time, it brings us even more closer together after gaining more understanding of each other. It's funny how secrets shared lead from one thing to another, huh? =)

You know, that next day, she told me that she too keep a secret diary which is shared among herself and her close friend. I was dumbfounded and even more when she told me I have actually seen the book before! It so does not look like a diary! =O So when I saw her this morning writing on it, I smiled. She smiled. We understood. =D It's really cool to know something which no one else knows! Hehehe! I'm sure she will agree when she reads this. =P

Anyway, today I had my oral exam today. English, to be exact. It went well. =) It was like having a tea with friends. Okay, that's a bit exaggerated, but it felt like a casual conversation. I was clearly nervous though. =S It was rather similar to my mock orals I had the other day. I think I owe that success to this blog! Seriously, I learned a lot from here on expressing myself better to people. I find it kind of enjoyable to say personal stuffs to strangers. It's like an amazing feeling! Really, I enjoyed it. The funny thing is that I was talking about this big dilemma which happened just recently when I got such a topic. It was very coincidental. I had no idea how such a confusing situation can serve as a base for my topic! Really! =P

The Malay orals, however, is a completely different story. The topics usually do not touch a personal level. And that is kind of disadvantageous to me, combined with the fact that I have yet to gain fluency in that language. This will come later anyway.

That morning during English, I cannot believe that I was commended on my Commonwealth essay. This is my first time to receive merit for my composition, and I'm terribly happy! I have always wished my Commonwealth essays were given some form of recognition and I finally got one. Yippee! =D Horray! Horray! *does a dance*

Biology today was a pretty sad period. Everyone have just gotten back their Paper 2s, and almost everyone wore a sad look. I wanted to claim half a mark actually due to marking errors but after combining my papers together, it doesn't make any difference to my average. Furthermore, it gives the impression to people that I'm a marks-eating monster who keeps on the lookout for marks. I feel really bad to claim more marks even when I'm the highest. I feel sorry for my friend above who got me the present as she hasn't done as well as she had thought. Furthermore, she has got gastric and I really don't want to further upset her. I shrugged it off since I feel bad whether or not I claim marks. I claimed later when I found out I could get an additional half a mark. This probably will influence my average, but I'm not bothered about recalculating it!

Sometimes, it's not easy to be the top in the class. People feel jealous. Okay, I admit, I feel jealous when my peers, especially my academic rivals, do better than me and I usually vow to get them back. However, my procrastinating habit sets me back and the vicious cycle of jealousy keeps on looping. =( Sometimes, I wish I could just accept the fact I'm never always the best. It would make my life easier a little bit.

During recess, while I was feasting on my beef rendang, something embarrassing happened! I was so freaked out by it. When I was pulling out my handkerchief from my pocket, a lip balm stick flew out and landed on the floor with a "Clink!", right in front of two Year 8 girls. My eyes widened in horror and my heart thumped really fast. I was silently cursing myself for being so careless and with my handkerchief, I quickly hid it and brought it into my pocket rather nonchalantly and continued reading the notice board. It was terribly embarrassing, whoever have heard of a guy carrying a lip stick in his pocket (that was the impression given! =( )? I need it because I have dry lips, but still. I bet they were gossiping next to me while I found a distraction. Why hadn't I go away? =O

Anyway, after school, before my orals, I hung out with a guy friend of mine. I enjoyed talking to him. When I saw him looking at the notice board at the foyer with bored look, I invited him to eat with me in class. So we did, and we were in class alone enjoying our food. I don't really remember what we talked about though. I just enjoyed the moment. You know, I really want to go out and have some fun with him. So I hinted (Lol!) that we eat at a local Japanese restaurant when we have our next orals, since school lets out early due to the Ramadhan fasting month for the Muslims. And he said he will think about it.

After that, we just wandered around the school courtyard since the library was closed. Then we met the examiners and I was kind of scared when I saw one of them was a native speaker. I was kind of afraid I wouldn't be able to understand what he says. I was acting strangely nervous when he spoke to me. Sheesh, the exam has not even started and I already gave a bad impression. =O

So anyway, after chilling out, we went up to the examination hall with the others. The exam started rather early, so before it started, my friend went to look for a toilet to gel his hair. I mean, is that necessary? =P Okay, so we found a small toilet in the top floor and we both went in and he gelled his hair.

"What am I rambling? Why are you telling me such a boring story about you and him?", you may ask. Guys, I know this sounds really, really strange. Should I really go on? I think I better continue the story. So we both went in, and he gelled his hair. My heart pounded as we went in and I began to ramble nonsense and ask stupid questions. Like "I don't know how to gel my hair. How do you gel yours?"

You may think I'm insane and crazy to suddenly be so unlike me. I don't know guys, but I think of this fellow in a ... different way. I don't know why I feel like this. Normally, when I hang out with a bunch of guys, I don't feel giddy and funny. Somehow, I was like that. I really don't know. I'm so confused. No, I don't want to be orientated differently from the rest. It's not doing me any good. I like girls, as you can see from my crushes.

I don't normally get nervous when I talk to him. Maybe a couple of times, I feel strange but it wasn't as bad as just now. It's just ... so wrong, I tell you! He's really ... I don't know. Just catches my fancy. I have no idea why either. It was a pretty awkward moment for me. Oh my gosh, I just don't know!

And he usually copies my homework too!

Am I confusing between friendship and romance? I think I am. Maybe I just want to know him better as a friend. Like be close, but not that close. Or maybe I just want something more than being just close friend, or even a best friend... Hmm...?

NO WAY!!!! =O

Whatever it is, I really hope this feeling will pass. And I have absolutely no intent in telling him this. There is no way I'm going to jeopardise our friendship just because of my confusion. I'll keep it to myself, and with you guys.

This is so confusing and illogical. I wish I could be just like an ordinary teenage boy at times. Sorry if that kind of thing turns you off.

By the way, I just want to apologise for not living up to the purpose of my blog recently. It's just that I'm tired and there really isn't much going on nowadays. Furthermore, I'll be too pooped from a long day at school. I really hope you guys understand. I'm really sorry...

[+] There's more!

@ 12.09 pm...

In less than 24 hours, I'll be heading into that claustrophobic exam room and sitting for my piano practical exam. I'm scared; I'm really scared that I get so nervous and jittery, my hands shake and vibrate and I'll mess up my preparation! =( I hate it when that happens. Vibrating hands may be good to produce vibrato in violin, but not in piano! What if I fail, again? No...

I'm beginning to doubt that my 2 hours daily practices are enough. Maybe I need more, like 5 hours. Unfortunately, I know I can't because my attention span cannot stretch so far. And I have the feeling that I'll mess up even more because I get careless and lost in my thoughts. I even get distracted by an hour of playing, let alone five! How much is enough? Am I asking for too much?

I may play well now, but when it comes to the real thing, funny errors and slips will start to pop up. That will then trigger more mistakes and in the end, it'll be one vicious cycle of errors! I just want to do well, that's all. A pass will do and I'll be really happy.

Okay, you know what? I can't stand the wait. All I want is to get over it and play as well as how I practice. That's all it matters. Just play well and get over it. And never again.

*sigh*


Updated: 10:30 pm

Below are the links to my exam pieces:

1. A1 - Allegro, by Handel (Baroque music)


2. B1 - Esquisse, by Gliere (Romantic - Contemporary music)


3. C1 - For Johnny Mehegan, by Leonard Bernstein (21st Century Jazz)

My camera was the mock examiner and surprisingly, I was less nervous than last time, but still nervous. I remembered last time how I quivered when I tried recording my songs. Despite I telling myself there's no one around to watch me, I suddenly feel so self-conscious. I still am, and it isn't a pleasant feeling. But I did it! =D I'm feeling rather optimistic now and I really hope all goes well tomorrow.

Oh, guess what? I just realise you can directly embed videos in blog posts. >.< How nice! I should have made such serendipity earlier. =P

[+] There's more!

Although I feel "quite prepared" for the piano exam I'll be sitting in a few days time, I keep on thinking that my preparation isn't quite enough. An hour a day only since Monday isn't going to cut the cake. (I do practice for at least 3 - 5 days every week way before the exams of course.)

The intensive practices I am having are so far so good. My scales improved tremendously and I'm really glad it did. My fingers finally cooperated with my brain. Thank goodness the neurone pathways have been established. =D My pieces too are hopefully up to standard, with the exception of the last jazz piece which is agitated, dynamic and short (really short, around 40 seconds)! Despite its key is in C major, the presence of accidentals and the chords makes things tough. And as if that wasn't enough, the piece just has to sound bad! Oddly enough, it sounds the best out of all the bad-sounding pieces of the last piece section.

I am so tired of playing them over and over again. Yes, only a couple more days left before I can forget them and move on! But really, I'm sick of it. I had wanted to practice more than the 20 minutes practice just now, but I was tired. I have read and experienced that I shouldn't practice when I'm tired as it will actually make them worse. Then again, I feel insecure about my upcoming exam performance. Will I scrape at least a pass?

Sure, I may be adequately prepared for these two aspects of my exam but I have to leave sight-reading and aural sections to God. Oh goodness, I absolutely dread sight-reading! I'm a bad music reader; I'm as good as a child who has just begun his music lessons. Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a little but my sight-reading skills set me back many grades behind. It's not that I can't read musical notations, I'm just a slow reader. It's like one who reads every letter instead of the whole word. This is especially true when it comes to chords. I have to scrutinize and analyse the chord which can take me up to ten seconds to recognise, go "Oh!" and press the keys. Oh man! Even the sight-reading sessions I have during piano lessons did not help much. I'm also intimidated to even sight-read random manuscripts at home. My playing will be so atrocious I can barely go on! =(

Like I have a choice not to sight-read for the exam! =P I have gritted my teeth and sight-read these couple of days. Even if 2 sight-reading pieces are involved a day. I just hope on the day itself, I can coax the piano to play for me. Sufficiently enough to garner me a pass in that section. Lol!

I'm glad that after this, I am under no obligation to pursue Grade 8 piano exams immediately. My teacher is all right with that. =) *phew* It's just that I need to do more exploration with different musical pieces, not just the exam pieces. Plus, I need more practice and experience (as well as improve my sight-reading) before I can call myself a "Grade 8 pianist". There's a lot more to do and I myself know I don't fit the Grade 8 criteria, let alone Grade 7 or 6.

I hope I won't end up nervous on the real day. I really don't want to recall the day when I failed my Grade 5 practical. I don't even know what was wrong with me at that time. No nerves, no nerves! No finger slips! No blank out! You have gone through this six times, the seventh time will still be the same.

Right? =(

I just want to get over it, for Pete's sake! Gahhh! =O I will play to my heart's content on that day, and let music instead of words be my expression. To let the mood of the music convey my expression. I hope that works! Wish me luck! =O

[+] There's more!

An outing today with two of my good friends almost went horribly wrong when there was an unexpected phone call for me yesterday afternoon. I croaked a hello and I was quite nervous to hear an unfamiliar voice over the line. I wondered who she was. She called in to inform me that I had won in a science essay writing competition.

Yippee, I was overjoyed! After a few years of writing for that competition in vain, I finally won something. I was very surprised that I have won because I was pretty sure I did not write well for it. I think it was one of my worse compositions. =\ I began to ask a string of incredulous questions to confirm what she had said. And I was quite embarrassed that I was behaving rather "unofficially". After realising that, I composed myself and asked more seriously when is the prize-giving ceremony. Guess what was her response?

Oh, it will be held at some school. Tomorrow (okay). In the afternoon (wait, did she say it was in the afternoon? Oh no!).

I apologised frantically and told her it was not possible because I have an outing to go. I have been looking forward to it since it was planned quite some time ago and besides, I am itching to watch Ratatouille! =( She was sorry to hear that but I was instructed to be there. I did not have much of a choice there, so I uttered a weak yes and waited for her to hang up.

I was really lost. No, it isn't possible! I simply cannot miss the outing. Instinctively, I ran up the stairs and signed in to Windows Live Messenger, hoping to find her online. She was, and I immediately told her the bad news. Needless to say, she did not take it quite well. She suggested that I send a representative and skip the whole thing. As much as I want to, I can't. I simply do not want to take the trouble to beg or coerce someone to go in my place while I recline on the cinema chair and laugh at a funny moment in Ratatouille. That's pretty unfair. I know this sounds pretty ridiculous, but I would like to get my own hands on the prize. To be pretty honest, it would be really strange to see my name being represented by someone else in the newspaper tomorrow. It would be funny. (In my country, the media usually publishes interesting reports on such a monotonous fanfare an event!)

I wasn't able to answer her when she asked what would I do. I was groaning out of sheer frustration. Not again! I thought I have been through this already two days ago. I think once is more than enough. So I stared at the screen looking dumbfounded as I scanned for solutions and ideas. I wanted to strike up a compromise, but I have a feeling it won't compromise well. I entered panic mode again. I was breathing hard and the world around me cease to exist. My problems are getting amplified and I was heading no where. "This is crazy! I need to talk to someone! Anyone!"

I was hoping a guardian angel would sign in, but alas, it didn't. I was hopping in frustration and fear. I kept asking myself the same question. As much as I disliked doing it, I have to ask for my best friend's help again. *groan* It's not that I hated doing that, it's just that I did not want to trouble him again. What can I do? It's either that or turn psychotic myself! And I spilled all my troubles to him. It took a few minutes, but after my spillage, I was so surprised that I actually ran out of words to say. *chuckle*

He suggested me to do the same thing as well. To go ahead with my original plan. Tell her that I can still make it for lunch but I have to leave for the ceremony after that. I contemplated about it and other possible solutions but that was what I have got. It's the best so far. Besides, she would be understanding about it if she really is my friend. Besides, I can't help it. It's the other party which is at fault for telling me the day before the real thing! =O (At least, that is what those two convinced me.) Well, thank goodness she is. And how was I supposed to know she thought I would be away the whole time? I laughed out of sheer comfort. =D It was really great to have her as a friend. I had no idea what I was fearing of.

Do I?

At least I bought time. Time must have cooled things a bit. To allow both of us to collect our thoughts properly. I'm glad things work out in the end. But to go through this again? Oh no! I had enough excitement with friends for a week!

The outing was fun! =) The one thing that is most memorable to me are the hugs from the birthday girl. One was for getting her a pretty cool gift (horray, she likes it!) and the other one was before I left. You know, as much as I avoid hugs, I secretly love them. I don't know, but I feel kind of comforted and loved (not in the romantic sense) when I get hugged. And I don't know how to put it, but in a way, it strengthens the bond and the trust you have with the other person.

I sure would like to relive the moments again.

I'm a guy, however, and I don't get hugged by friends. It would be great to. *smiles*

I do not remember much about the ceremony. I only remember having this thought, "What am I doing here on a Monday afternoon during a school holiday going for a silly prize-giving ceremony? I could have gone to catch the movie instead!". When I entered the hall, I asked myself, "What are all these people doing here on a Monday afternoon during a school holiday? And aren't the adults supposed to be working?" (Yeah, I have funny thoughts!)

I was really glad Nicholas Sparks entertained me throughout the entire ceremony. He's a really awesome writer, and it makes the whole thing so much more bearable. Man, I immediately regretted going for it, and I wished that I called for a representative to take my place so that I can go watch Ratatouille. Never mind about him having to suffer! =D Dang, I hate having a guilty conscience at times! =P

I do not mean to sound so nasty about that event, but I really think it wasn't worth my time. Despite that, it was quite a good day for me. I'm glad I did not spend a lot of time near the computer. =P

[+] There's more!

After some encouragement from my best friend, I plucked out my courage and decided to approach her directly asking her whether she was mad at me or not. I hesitantly pressed enter. She said she wasn't mad at me and she actually forgot the chat that took place last night. Apparently, it was all in my imagination. Darn it for going overboard! =) It always happens. I so hate paranoia. =P

When I told her the reason why I thought she was angry, she laughed her head off! =D I was so relieved but slightly perturbed that she was laughing at my suffering. =P It does not matter. I'm really glad she treats me a very close friend. And that she wouldn't dream of disliking me just because of that.

For that, I'm really grateful to have a really good friend like her. Oh, this blog post may sound strange. Well, to keep a long story short, I misunderstood her words, something that happens to me when I talk to people online. Maybe that explains why I don't really like chatting with people via IM even though it is a good vehicle of communication.

Yes, this explains why the blog post below was short and abrupt. I deleted the meat of it because it was not relevant anymore. And I certainly did not want to remember it! =) Cheers, people. Have a great weekend!

[+] There's more!

I was so scared I nearly cried when I added another close friend in my refugee e-mail and was sort of crying for help. It progressed from there to ranting to something else. And I did something I will probably not do again.

I told her about this blog. A blog which I have kept secret from everybody who I know. I gave her the URL. I don't know why I did it, but I trust her a lot and I really feel that she should know about this. I hope that she will guard this secret of mine very fiercely (she will).

Since it is getting quite late, I will end here for today. It is a rather abrupt end, but my thoughts are disorientated now. I'll see you guys soon. I'm having my term holiday now anyway.

P.S. For the sake of privacy, the date of this post was changed.

[+] There's more!

I think I have finally found a motivation to excel in my mocks. This is it! Are you ready?



Hoo boy! It doesn't get better than this. Behold, ladies and germs, Palm TX! Notice the amazing geometry and solid piece of technology. It's perfect from every angle. Sleek, beautiful and black. It's so much better than a mobile phone - it doesn't ring! =D

The local newspaper yesterday featured an article on the Sony Reader. Initially after reading it, I actually wanted a Sony Reader (an e-book device). I thought it will be nice to purchase good e-books from the Internet instead of relying on Amazon.com or going to the Australian Borders branch during my December holidays (I hate waiting! =P). Lugging 10+ books back home is no easy task! Besides, the bookshelf at home ran out of space.

Unfortunately, it is only available for sale in the United States. (I wonder why they feature that article if that's the case.) Many months will have passed before it hits the local market and by then, a new version could have probably come out. It may be cheaper than a Palm TX but too bad it's monofunctional. It is great to read an e-book for a long period of time without worrying of dead battery, but it is worth spending a few hundred dollars on a device which I can only read an e-book?

So I decided to procrastinate sacrifice my study time to look for a perfect computer device which is small and light enough to read e-books while I can still perform other things using it. Naturally, PDAs fit the criteria. So I went wiki-ing for devices as well as window shopping at Amazon.com.

I found Palm Z22 which is more affordable. However, the local online e-store does not sell it. However, of all PDAs, they are selling a Palm TX, which is No. 1 on the Palm bestseller list in Amazon.com. I cannot believe my luck and utter joy. And it's a steal as well. It's cheaper than the list price at Singapore. (By the way, it's sold for about US$330.)

I can't believe it. I am so tempted to use my mom's credit card and make a purchase immediately when I thought why not make it as a source of motivation? If I can score good results, then I will burn a hole in my pocket and buy myself the Palm TX.

And that's that. I so desire one now!

Being a smart shopper, I did a little research on this nifty technological gizmo. There were rave reviews about it. Of course, it can display e-books, it is a diary planner and has all those calendar options (I like it! I keep a diary planner for the purposes of homework) and the battery can last for a good decent hours.

Getting a Palm TX comes with a hefty price. I shall write an amateur poem to describe my predicament:
Aggregate: 18
A2s and B4s
3 of each
coupled with moolah
Palm TX
Glittery and shiny
Then only it shall be mine
Mine, mine, mine!

N.B. A2 = 85 to 89; B4 = 75 to 79. Aggregate is the sum of the numeric grades of one's best six subjects.

So it doesn't rhyme, but hey it gets the message across. So I better buckle up and start working for it. I want to be a proud owner of Palm TX! It's pretty materialistic of me, but I'm really desperate.

On the other hand, I think it's kind of impossible because I haven't been studying much lately. I'm slackening off so badly. I wonder what's wrong with me. =(

Anyway, come to think of it, I have never had a source of motivation to study. This is my first time to study for something - to get a reward in the end. This time, my reward does not only come in the form of good grades and pride, but also, for the love of Palm TX.

Wish me luck!

P.S. If you are a user of Palm TX, tell me what you think of it. ;) Do you think I should get another PDA other than Palm TX?

[+] There's more!

The car zoomed by at high speed. Leaves were blown away and rustled into the night air. The silence of the night was broken by gales of laughter from the passengers in the car who had had some drinks. They were heading home after a great night of drinking just over the border.

They prattled and joked among themselves in a rather rowdy way. The group of young teenagers enjoyed a heighten feeling of temporary ecstasy. However, the driver did not join in the conversation, instead he tried to focus on his driving. His senses is starting to numb, and without realising it, he stepped on the pedal too hard. The needle in the speedometer shot to the red zone. He was not able to see it as he tried in vain to focus on the curve in the road that was fast approaching. His vision blurred and he didn't know where he was heading.

The more sober guy widened his eyes as he pointed at the oncoming crash barrier. They were approaching towards it dangerously fast! An air of ominousness shrouded the car. The driver quickly came to his senses and acted on his reflexes. He braked as hard as he could, but it was all too late. The car crashed on impact, rolling over many times. Unearthly screams came from the boys as they wrestled with death.

And then, silence...

About 2 a.m., the lovely cousin was excitedly observing a game of poker. She laughed when her boyfriend whined about his bad hand. The players chuckled upon hearing him, knowing maybe this time, they could stand a chance. The mobile phone whirred suddenly, and he casually picked up the phone. He opened the message, and could not believe what he had just read. He darted his eyes at every word in disbelief, hoping that it was some sort of a sick, twisted joke. His mouth was wide open in horror.

His girlfriend flashed a look of concern. "Baby, what's wrong?"

He hesitated for a moment. "Your cousin... he died in a car accident just now," he croaked.

There was shock, disbelief and horror. Seconds passed painfully as the message seared the heart of the cousin. Her boyfriend immediately excused himself and escorted his girlfriend back home. Tears streaked down her face and she sobbed miserably. Her dear cousin, gone. But how, why? Questions remained unanswered and there was nothing she could do. She was 2000 miles away from home...

As much as I wished it was an essay for a school assignment, it isn't. Sadly, it's a real-life incident. It all happened in the wee hours of this morning. Two of the passengers perished in the car accident while the other three is under intensive care. The cousin and her boyfriend mentioned was actually my elder brother and his girlfriend. He was her favourite cousin of hers, and according to my brother via SMS, she was extremely devastated to hear the news.

She isn't alone. Her entire family is grieving for his sudden departure. The most affected one is his mother who I've heard is very fond of his son. At first, when my mother told me the news, chills went down my spine. I responded with a rude "Huh?", prompting her to repeat what she had said, unwilling to believe it the first time. She received a message early this morning about his death, and by that time, the funeral was taking place. It is already over now, his corpse is already buried in the cemetery.

It's too fast, it's all too fast! I cannot believe it! =( He is... he is so young. He shouldn't just die just like that. It's so unfair! I still remember vividly his visit to our house together with my brother's girlfriend's (whom I shall refer to as my sister from now) family. I can still remember his cheery voice. He was a fine and handsome young lad! What I admire most about him was his strong dedication to lose weight. The last time I saw him, he was pretty fat. The next time I saw him, I simply couldn't believe the tall and built guy was him!

I was further saddened by the fact that he is of the same age as me. For Pete's sake, he will be sitting for his O Levels this November with me and soon be a high school graduate! What the hell? Just one accident, and that spells the end! He didn't get the chance to complete his secondary education. Heck, he didn't have the chance the live and enjoy his life until a ripe old age! =(

Oh my God...

Although I am not that close to him, I've gotten to know him over the years as a really great and charming guy who knows how to have fun. I heard that he's bright too. I didn't know that the last conversation I had with him is our last. What a sad way to leave Earth. I'm terribly sorry... =( My condolences to my sister's family.

Thank you for touching the lives of people around you for the past 17 years. You will be dearly missed and always remembered by your loved ones.


He was one of the passengers in the car. Police are still investigating the causes. The story above is not accurate as it is a product of my imagination, but the basic facts are there. According to my sister's father, it was inferred to be caused by drunk driving. It was suspected that they hopped over the border and had a drink session before coming back home (my country bans alcoholic beverages from being sold in public). The driver could have been drunk while driving. It was a self-accident.

I cannot imagine this had actually taken place. Drunk driving robs away the lives of the innocent. I plead to you people! Please, do not ever drink and drive! Get someone to drive you home or call a taxi. Don't risk your lives, or others, by driving when you are drunk.

It's not worth drinking and driving!

And it goes to say that you should not drive when you're tired too. I recall vividly an advertisement that was always aired on the British Capital 95.8 that goes something like this:

(in a drowsy tone) The monotony of driving is sending you to sleep. Monotony of driving is sending you to sleep. Driving is sending to sleep. Sleep...

Crash!! ...

Please drive carefully.

*sigh* Rest in peace, my friend.

[+] There's more!

I am not doing well these days. =( Things have been going rather downhill lately. The written mocks are a fortnight away and I have yet to begin real, intensive revision. Somehow, I lost the mood to study and to do anything. It is as if I am rebelling against the examinations system when I normally have no qualms about it!

Physically, my body is not cooperating with me. Just when I demand good health while studying. Apparently, I have not taken enough measures to ensure that my physique is in top shape. Last week, our school organised a run. I should have bought a new pair of running shoes; the current pair is too tight for my big feet even though I normally wear size 9.5. My toes had to suffocate and suffer from injuries as they are cramped together in the tight space. As a result, two of my toenails (next to the big toe) are traumatised from the constant impacts of the shoes and they broke. One became detached from the nail bed, and other one bled and later became detached.

I was really shocked to see the throbbing toes and I was, and still am, shocked when I realise I'm going to lose both of them. Just now, I clipped away the entire left toe as it was painful (when coming in contact with the floor, or when I try to bend it). It's bearable but it was starting to bug me. Furthermore, it was already oozing pus (?). So reluctantly, after googling for advices (which weren't helpful), I made the hectic decision of clipping the whole nail to the cuticle. I was frightened by the slight ease of cutting it away without pain. Now, my nail bed is exposed and can any time be invaded by bacteria or fungi. I immediately regretted my decision, and I lamented about my ludicrousness. =(

I'm paranoid that I have cut away the nail root too and I will be stuck without a nail at that toe forever! I look at the now nail-less toe longingly to have the nail back. I feel vulnerable seeing the exposed pinkish nail bed, which looks sensitive. Just great! And it still slightly hurts too when walking, and watery, clear pus still ooze out from within the cuticle. How totally absurd!

I decided to remove the other detached nail too but however, I was pleasantly surprised to see a new, hard nail growing beneath the dead, crusty detached nail. It does not look pretty, but I'm glad that I've already got a new nail there. It must have been growing when that nail was partially broken a few months ago. That surprise finding itself lifted my spirits up a little but there are many factors out there which hampered my satisfaction with life lately.

Missing nails are just a minor concern. My chest throbs with pain whenever I sit, stand, move or lie down. It began rather suddenly yesterday when I came back from school. I was sitting on the sofa about to have my tea when suddenly, my right pectoral muscles began to hurt like hell. I was squirming with pain at the sudden cram. My mother questioned my sudden awkward behaviour. I assured her there was nothing wrong with me, when in reality it was painful! Knowing her, she fiercely makes sure I recover from whatever illnesses and pains by bulk feeding me with health products. I hate it. I do not believe in health products although the company was trustworthy! She also gives all the unneeded attention to me, thinking that I'm incapable of doing "ordinary tasks", and strictly ensures that I'll get my rest in bed.

To make matters worse, the pain increased substantially in the next few minutes and I simply had to tell her about it. I was afraid that it could develop into something rather serious. The timing to have such injuries is bad. Must it happen so close to my mocks?

My pectorals were massaged using an ointment which relieves muscle cramps. Thankfully, the pain subsided, but not a lot. My chest was still painful and memories of a previous experience of this "injury" came flooding back in my memory. I remembered enduring the pain when my parents were not at home. It was assumed that there was bad blood circulation. The symptoms were the same: there was "something" inside the chest that moved slightly whenever I moved, aching my right chest. I don't know how to describe it. If I hadn't remember wrongly, the pain will have subsided in the next couple of days.

And so, my parents once again reinforced the fact that I should not carry heavy things. Hey, I'm a guy and I am already pathetically weak, and you're asking me not to lift things? How was I supposed to build at least "some" muscle? What are they thinking? I'm already soft! Great, thank you!

I know that maybe the way I carried the table yesterday morning may not be right. But must the pain come much later after that? I had the feeling that it has nothing whatsoever to do with the pain.

Oh, I am so confused! I just want the pain to be rid of as soon as possible. It's not nice to breathe shallowly to avoid feeling the pain and having to move in pain constantly.

What more, I'm doing shoddily in school and revision. I do not get organic chemistry, radioactivity and vectors (Mathematics). The last few chapters of the syllabi are ridiculously difficult to comprehend. I seriously question how well I will fare for my mocks. I am going to jeopardise my future applications to sixth form schools if my mocks results are mediocre... =(

I'm procrastinating badly. I'm sick of it. I just want to revise properly this time. I told myself that already, why aren't I fulfilling my own wishes? =(

[+] There's more!

Lately, I am becoming more and more involved in my schoolwork. First and foremost is the computer coursework, which I can safely say I have completed 50% of it. My turmoil doesn't just end there. I have signed myself up voluntarily (woe is me for doing that!) to participate in an oratory speech contest and a debate. Even though it begins in a few days time, I have not done any work on that. My mind has been engulfed by thoughts of computer coursework, computer coursework, computer coursework! It's terrible, I tell you. =(

Relaxation nowadays is a luxury, if not, I was forced to take some. It feels sickening because I'm paranoid that it will eat up precious time which could instead be used for doing the coursework. Handing it up next week does not spell the end yet! I have to spend roughly 3 weeks on my upcoming mocks. I can't believe I will abuse my brain and try to cram as much as I can. 2 years' work in 2-3 weeks. I seriously wonder how I will manage...

By the way, the October/November Cambridge GCE O Level examinations schedule is out! I have just got my statement of entry a couple of days already and I can't believe I am going to sit for it so soon! I still remember when I was in primary school, I used to look at the paper which tells O Level candidates the venue of the exams and I wondered when it would be my turn. And my turn is nearly here! *shudder*

So, in the interest of my studies, I'm staying away from the Internet and the blogosphere. I really miss you guys and I hope you all are doing well. I'm not coping with academic stress as well over here, but it's not too bad (and hopefully it won't get worse!). Priorities comes first, and getting distinctions is my top priority. Yeah, I guess I have to sacrifice most of my time spent surfing the Internet. =( Harsh, but something has got to go to accommodate something else. I guess that's how things work.

Take care guys, and I hope things go well in your life! I'll be back after all these is over (or when I have to blog about something urgently), I promise!

[+] There's more!

I did not live very happily these past few days. Sure, there are definitely the happy times, but they were overshadowed by rage, fury and disappointment. A few days ago when the school prefects organised a sports event for the student body, an ungrateful wretch made a poignant attack on our efforts. He alleged that the prefects had cheated in an event as he figured the referees who were us played favouritism and declared us the victor. As one of the referees, it was clear that we did not do that and we aren't that desperate to sink so low to help our team. =( How dare he directed such accusations to us! I began to think he had issues against us prefects. To add insult to injury, he threatened that his team will ensure that the prefects will not score a shot in the upcoming basketball game. It's easy for me to shrug it off were it a joke. It was clear that he meant that intently. I shot him a deadly glare when he looked back to his team mates, cursing silently that he will be sorry with what he had just said.

I hate to say this, but at that instant, I developed a strong hatred feeling towards him and his stupid society. His team was actually a "society" (something like a fraternity/sorority?) formed by a couple of students. *rolls eyes* It's pretty ironic how I disliked the society so much as a whole when he slated the prefects. I shouldn't have felt that way. That was pretty low of me.

Many minutes later, the basketball match between the prefects and his society began. It was clear that the other team was trying to play rough to intimidate the prefects. It didn't look friendly to me. Suddenly, in the middle of game play, one of the prefects hit into the person mentioned above and they both succumbed to injury! The egoistic guy had a big cut on his eyebrow and blood was gushing out. Immediately, my guilty conscience was eating my insides. Had my hatred somehow caused the injury? I suddenly felt scared as I did not intend on this to happen. It was so scary it happened not too long after he spilled out his nasty words. =|

I was then subbed in to the game, and the game resumed. I can feel the negative vibes emerging from the other team. I then remembered his words that they are out to get us. Anger began to cloud my thoughts and I wasn't concentrating on the game. I haphazardly chased after the ball with the thought that I will not let the other team get it. That was pretty much impossible because it was obvious that my team mates and I are not seasoned players! I tried my best anyway with my anger fueling my determination. It was not the way it should be. As a result, I wasn't playing my best (since when was I good anyway?).

We lost anyway but we managed to walk away with 2 - 10+ points. Hah! At least we proved that cocky guy wrong. We got 2 shots! We're not as worthless as he thinks. The thing is, I have no idea why I was "quite sensitive" to his comments. It's not like I, or we, have done anything wrong, right? Sometimes, I do tend to wonder whether it is wise to do the right thing while the community has a different negative viewpoint.

Up until today, I still am somewhat affected by his lashes. I know it is insignificant now and I have nothing to do with it, but hearing it first-hand is an entirely different thing. Subconsciously, I probably am taking him rather seriously. I know I am so much better than him in so many ways, yet why must I succumb now and listen to him? I just don't get it! It's affecting my work performance (I have to finish my computer coursework for O Levels this weekend). I am bothered! =(

When my best friend came to console me and warned me that there are more evil people out there who will make biting remarks to me to purposely hurt me, I began to worry. I thought to myself that if I can't handle his comments, what more of other people who may hurl meaner and nastier insults to me?

Yesterday before a dinner for prefects, I was complaining to my maid that I can't find my long-sleeve shirt. I hate myself for being rude to her; I could have just asked her nicely where it is. The worse thing is that I found it on my brother's wardrobe by myself. It was so embarrassing! I was glad she said no more after that. I thank her for it. I should have gone to prepare for dinner earlier.

While I was at dinner, I was trying to get close to a certain prefect I am eying on recently. The way I tried to cross over the boundary of friendship into the unknown is a bit too rushy. So, I covertly followed around her and "annoy" her as much as possible without making it too obvious. After some time, when she is engrossed into the part, I have the feeling that I have been annoying. So I went to another close friend of mine and try to get her attention. I then stopped doing it when I have the feeling I have been a bit too annoying. It happened while I was IM-ing this person just now. I can't believe I can be so annoying at times. I should learn to keep my mouth shut at times!

There is still an issue which bothers me a little. The primary concern now is the computer coursework. I have barely completed 50% of the project, and I have to try and finish everything up by this weekend! I really doubt my abilities now. And yes, last minute rush again. When will I ever learn!

By the way, do anyone of you know something about Microsoft Access functions? I have a problem with it, and I need help on it! =( I have to apologize for blogging less frequently now. I got my hands tied up on my education and especially that computer coursework! =(

[+] There's more!