I'm sick and tired of school. Lately, many of my friends noticed that I have been moody these past few days. I think fatigue and boredom caused it. In other words, the reluctance to pick up my books and study made me worry about how am I supposed to pass my exams with flying colours. It's nearing the middle of the year, and you know what that means. Mid-Year Examinations are just around the corner and it's that period of the year where many dread and wish they never existed.

In Science class, Mr. Z. told us about an experiment where they got this rat or mouse, and they put this rat or mouse on one side of a cage. On the other side of the cage, they put a little piece of food. And this rat or mouse would walk over to the food and eat. Then, they put the rat or mouse back on its original position, and this time, they put electricity all through the floor where the rat or mouse would have to walk to get the piece of food. They did this for a while, and the rat or mouse stopped going to get the food at a certain amount of voltage. Then, they repeated the experiment, but they replaced the food with something that gave the rat or mouse intense pleasure, but I am guessing it is some kind of rat or mouse nip. ...the rat or mouse would put up with a lot more voltage for the pleasure. Even more than for the food. [...]

The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky.

Never in my life have I quoted something direct from a book I have read. Well, let's make this a first. =) It's time to put my reading comprehension to the test; inferring meanings from a passage! =P

What got me thinking was that the mouse was willing to suffer some pain in order to get the food and chomp down his reward. When the obstacle (the increased voltage) got tougher to the extent that it wasn't worth suffering to achieve the same goal, the mouse did not bother getting it after it realised how much more painful it was to step on the high voltage. The food was replaced with something that pleasures the mouse once ingested and look what happened to the mouse! It simply did not care how painful the high-voltage floor was because it knew that it would receive pleasure at the end of the painstaking journey which far compensates the pain.

One thing stands clear in this short passage - the mouse had goals. No, not complicated goals like becoming a SuperMouse or something impossible. It's a simple one, and it was willing to get out of its comfort zone, challenged itself to overcome the obstacles along the way and reaped its well-deserved rewards at the end of it. Simply put: cry first, rejoice later.

Are my goals set above my expectations? Are the obstacles I encounter while studying way out of my league? Or maybe my goals simply do not exist at all. I think that is my main problem. I tried, with limited success, the past few days trying to get my head into studying but my concentration just has to waver after a short few minutes of "intense studying", which shouldn't be called intense. I seem to be so distracted everytime when I study. I think of going online, I think of the immense amounts of homework the teachers suddenly decided to dump onto us, I think of the Macromedia Flash project competition I should try and complete and I think about the competitions I got myself involved in.

Oddly enough, the goals meme I did for myself the other day did not seem to help. In fact, I forgot about it. =( Shouldn't I be more focused on my studies since I have had already predefined my goals?

I am not serious enough. I am not willing to compromise the comforts I am enjoying now for the sake of my studies. I did not prioritise my studies. What's wrong with me? Why have I suddenly take my education lightly? It's not supposed to happen. I am supposed to study and obtain the best possible marks in exam.

No, my parents are in no way pressuring me to get good marks for *cough* them *cough*, in case you are wondering. I consider myself lucky for having such good parents. I'm doing this for my own sake. I won't do this for anyone, except for myself.

Lately, I have begun questioning my study techniques. I know it is such a bad time to question it, but I cannot help but wonder if they are going to help me in the long run.

I "study" by typing out notes for most of my subjects. I try to type out nearly all the chapters. I begin by reading through the textbook and learn the facts which I should know but wasn't covered or little emphasised in class. Once I can make heads and tails of what I have read, I open up my notebook and textbook plus supplements and I begin condensing or "summarising" the information in them into point forms. I try as much as possible not to leave out any information, no matter how minor they seem to be.


These are the notes I created from the chapter of the Urinary System.

Yes, I don't do my notes the way how my study guidebooks recommend. Instead of closing my book and trying to recall by writing down what I have learned, I open my books and copy the important points, trying to put them into my own words as much as possible. I don't pick out some important points and summarise them in as little words as possible. I take the whole big junk of information and just type them out. This makes the last-minute revisions difficult as I have to spend quite a long time trying to leaf through everything and ensuring that in that as short span of time, information can actually seep through my impermeable brain.

No, I don't read my notes until the day before or a couple of days if the subject content is really broad. And I wonder, is it worth spending my time making notes like that, and not reading them consistently?

It is my fault that I make my notes at the last minute (again!). I procrastinated because it's a very time-consuming process, and I loathe time-consuming jobs. So, I just leave everything to the last minute, and then worry about getting it done on time (forget about revising - making notes is a revision in itself, I think).

My situation currently is exactly like the mouse: Big obstacles, same goals but maybe the rewards are greater. Or it makes no difference at all. I totally have no idea. I am very hesitant to improvise my study methods, because I feel that it's a good way of revising. Well, I am speaking from a rather biased point of view, since I never really try out other methods.

Maybe I could join my legions of friends and just read from the textbook but I myself know how much I hate doing it, plus textbooks are infamous for containing large blocks of redundant paragraphs! Hey, 400 pages is no joke. I nearly fainted when katelyn sent me extracts from her piloted Chemistry textbook (thanks again!). Upon further inquiry, I discovered her textbook is twice as thick as mine.

That puts me off. I dislike reading thick books, rather surprising for an avid reader like me. That's why I avoid reading Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. =\ Their thickness just makes me want to wander to the Children Book's section!

The amount of content I have to study for the upcoming Mid-Year Examinations begins from last year until wherever we have covered so far this year. That is like three-quarters of the textbooks! =( The subjects I fear most are Biology, Geography, Computer Studies, Chemistry, Physics... Oh, make them all! =O

I haven't been getting my minimum 8 hours of sleep too nowadays and as a result, I have been getting very cranky. I snapped at my parents and my brother. I wore a gloomy face from the time I woke up to about the second period in school. It was that bad. Today was especially bad. I sulked and snapped at both my parents. I cringed at the noises at home. I'm at a very fragile state now, I could blow up anytime soon.

And what did I study for today (or rather, written notes on)? Enthalpy change. So much for progress for the day. *heaves a heavy sigh*

I don't know what to do with myself. I need to pick myself up by committing myself to my studies. So far, I've seen myself dedicating none of my drop of sweat on my studies. I can't believe there are so many distractions around me, particularly the Internet!

You know guys, for every minute of studying, there will be half an hour of relaxing. I feel so "wasted". *ugh* It's that bad! I catch myself taking opportunities to watch TV, eat as long as I can, use the PC as long as possible - just to escape studying. I know they are temporary measures, that is why I keep taking them. =(

In Geography, we have a vicious cycle of poverty. In me, there is the vicious cycle of procrastinating. In both cases, the victims are the losers, because of "uncontrollable factors".

Have I ever posted such blog posts before? I think I did. Either that, or I have thought of these ever since a long time ago.

I want good results. I want to excel in school. I don't want my tardiness and procrastination habits to drag me down. I believe I have got the potential.

I have set the mood to study. Sadly, I lack the attitude.

I wish I could turn back the clock and begin a fresh start and outlook towards revision. I wish God could grant me 30 hours in a day and bless me with the ability to not sleep, so that I can fully make use of my day. If that happens, would I still stick to my old ways, thinking that, "Oh! It's still a long time before exams loom!"?

I need to be pinpointed my mistakes. I don't know where I have gone wrong. I never feel so wrecked in my life. =(

[+] There's more!

Basketball players are selfish, arrogant bastards!

I hated basketball and I always will. No, not because I hate the game. It is the players which make the game seems so barbaric and senseless, with cries of fouls thrown everywhere and hurls of taunts and insults thrown everywhere.

Something happened just now which enrages me. My ball hit a kid's head slightly and I apologized to him for being careless with it. The game proceeded as usual but it looked like my neighbour was fussy about who will have the ball first. He wanted to follow NBA's official rules by shooting for the ball (it's like as if we all want to be NBA players). I think it's unnecessary since after many tries, both the players were unable to shoot the ball into the hoop from the three-point line, so he and my teammate made the decision by playing "O-U-T" and since it failed to be the deciding factor also, they played a game among themselves to see who shoots the ball into the hoop.

Can't they have some bloody sense and settle it by playing "Rock-Paper-Scissors"? This game isn't some official and grand international basketball competition. I see no need to be so fussy, plus it's taking up precious time. I lack the patience too to just wait for these VIPs (or "MVPs" for that matter). *rolls eyes*

After a long time of waiting, the game finally begun. Everything flowed "smoothly" *cough* and as the game proceeds, it stopped temporarily with a goal shot by the other team. Fair enough. It so happened that one of the kids was taking his break by sitting down very near to the basketball hoop stand.

As the ball went into the hoop, my brother ran and caught it directly under the hoop and guess what? One of my blinking idiotic teammate rushed to my brother and push the ball away from my brother's hands. The ball flew up and it made a hard impact on the kid's head!

The kid immediately crouched and covered his head, wincing in pain. At first, I thought he was trying to be funny and gain sympathy from me but as I looked at him still crouching, I realised he wasn't playing around and he was really in pain. Meanwhile, my teammate blamed my brother for catching the ball under the hoop. Naturally, my brother defended himself, since it wasn't his fault! I was staring at the two of them, staring in disbelief how smug some people can really be by putting the blame on someone else as a means of lame defense! =O

My brother and I gathered around him and asked him how he was feeling or not. I cannot believe I refuse to get the message that he's really in pain, yet I kept on asking him whether he is fine or not when my conscience uttered a long "Duh!". I even crouched down and saw him in tears, crying from the pain. I pitied the little boy to have double accidents within an hour; on his head too! =(

As I was trying to attend to him, the rest of the four players have the cheek to continue the game, as if nothing had really happened. Of all the nerve! I called for a time out and my neighbour approached me and asked me for the reason. Isn't it obvious? They continued playing anyway, despite the fact that they know he was in pain.

I tried calling for his brother but I got an unpleasant surprise when he said "Leave him alone.". What an egoistic brother! On the other hand, I told myself maybe it happened most of the time and he will end up feeling okay. The matter is that his head was injured and heaven knows what might happened after the (un-)intentional accident.

It was only after some time later did my neighbour come to the rescue and finally utter wise words. I know nothing about first aid, so he instructed me to massage his head with my palm. I did and he winced in pain of course. That kid later told me to remove my hand as it was painful. So I released my hand while my neighbour told me that maybe I can massage the injured part later when he comes to his senses.

The kid then told my brother and I to let him relax there while we resume the game. I joined in first and suddenly there was a cry of foul (I think) because I joined in the game! I was shocked again! Wasn't I already in the game? My neighbour spoke foolish words, "3 against 2 isn't fair!"

What? Wasn't my brother in this game. I asked him and he shook his head, saying "No" as he stood next to the kid. Sheesh, I can't believe the fear of losing run deep in his vein, just because I am tall! Hello, I have a disadvantage here too: I am not skilled in basketball. In your language: I suck at b-ball! They cancel each other out!

I lost my top at that time. I turned my head and walked away, announcing bitterly that I am going home since I was not needed anymore! Talk about teamwork and sportsmanship! I just realised what true friends they are (yeah right, I knew that a long time ago)! The stupid rascals did not even bother about my leaving.

I don't too.

I was so ready to burst into flames there and then. I tried to suppress it temporarily. As I walked back to my house, I swore and criticised their arrogance and selfishness. Deep inside me, I was hoping they could hear what I said, even though that would only stir up trouble.

And the kid? Forget it! His brother can "nurse" him back.

I was insulted as a bookworm too by them long before this happened since a new friend asked me what sports I "like" as I don't play basketball often. I let that insult slip. I have heard worse insults.

But this...is unforgivable. How can you not get mad at their bratty attitudes?

Such people smear the good name and fun of basketball. They made it into a sport meant for barbarians to play. Tell me, was it wrong of me to "over-react" over someone's injury? Was it wrong of them to not care about an injured player?

I say it again, they are selfish creeps with totally big egos that's just asking to be burst! I am tempted to insult a race and the entire basketball community but nah.

ARRRGGHHHHHH!!!! =(

Forget about neighbourliness! I don't look forward to have another basketball match with them anymore.

[+] There's more!

For those who happen to read the previous version of this blog post, I shouldn't have blogged about it so vaguely. I was so worried and overcame with fear by the problem I was facing, and I couldn't put my messy and disorientated thoughts into words. It always happens when I get worried. It took me a while to snap myself back to reality. =(

I would like to retell the last moments of completing the application form for the ASEAN scholarship before mailing it to the Ministry of Education in Singapore. I nearly jeopardised my own future by procrastinating "filling up" the application form, (I cannot believe I procrastinated) and I was rushing to complete everything by today. By hook or by crook I did! Despite a "happy ending", I'm not proud of myself. I hated myself for procrastinating such crucial tasks that makes my future. I nearly break my future. I'm so mad with myself.

I should have written down the CCAs and competitions that I participated in during 2004 - 2006 and handed it to my form teacher who will write a testimony for me (which is required to be attached to the scholarship form) on Thursday. No, I have to surrender to laziness and reluctance in doing it on the same school day as I thought, "Nothing could ever go wrong on Friday - I can pass it to her tomorrow and presto! A testimony on Saturday! Then I can mail it!". =D It sounded like a good plan to me.

So after trying hard to jumpstart my brain and prompt for memories, I finally finished the whole list and I planned to pass it to her at the end of her lesson. The bell rang and off she went in a rush to the staff room and to her car. I tried finding her but I lost her until I realised she must be heading to her car! =O So off I went while I alerted my fellow prefect to stop her car! She wasn't able to, unfortunately.

I quickly ran down and ran with all my might, trying to chase her car when I realised I wasn't a cheetah. I couldn't do anything except to watch helplessly at the disappearing white car. I was panicking by then. My plan "failed" and I hate it when things don't go to my plan! I resorted to asking my form teacher's phone number from a friend.

To cut a long story short, I finally contacted her at around 5 p.m. and she asked me where is my CCAs list. So I explained from A to Z. *phew* Thank goodness she roughly knew what was happening, so she asked me to pass her the list the next morning. At that time, I was worried. What if I wasn't able to finish everything up on time? I didn't want to worry myself on what will happen the next day, so I forgot about it until the next morning.

I passed the list to her and she wrote quite a nice testimonial of my involvement in CCAs. I then got permission from her to use the computer laboratory and type out everything since she was a slow typist herself (she admitted it to my class =P ). I spent roughly 45 minutes to finish everything and let the relevant authorities to sign my CCAs testimonial. Once all was done, I went back to my class, exhausted but gleeful that I could finish it on time (or so I thought)!

Another drama unraveled when I was on my way back home. My mom told me that the courier services are closed on Saturday afternoons. Worries began to haunt my thoughts. How? I was exasperated and acted like a loony out of desperation. I asked my mom whether she could make phone calls to the courier services and enquire for their business hours.

I showered peacefully for 10 minutes assuming that one of the companies are still operating. After stepping out of shower, I was told that UPS will close at 2 p.m. sharp and I had little than 15 minutes to complete everything and to allow ample driving time. I flustered (and how I wished I didn't - adrenaline was already pumping throughout my body!) and quickly retrieved the application form and the CCAs testimonials and quickly enter the more important CCAs into the 'Co-Curricular Activites' field. I did not realised I took part in so many competitions and activites - I was mostly involved with Malay, Computer and English competitions as well as UNSW ICAS competitions. I had no idea how I am going to fit all that in to 10 rows. I had to omit some as there wasn't much choice. There was no time to print out extra rows. I had to even merge some recurrent activities together into one field and wrote a few years under the Year field. =S

I seriously hope I had not done anything wrong. I hope they will overlook the mistakes I made in some records of the 'Level of Participation' field plus the activities weren't "really sorted" in chronological order since I took part in quite a number of activities in successive years. =S

Besides that, I failed to comply an instruction as there wasn't enough time to do that. I will not say which instruction in case the relevant parties stumble into this blog! =O I really hope I will still be considered for the scholarship despite the flaws I made. I should not have done everything at the last minute. I have not even checked whether I filled up all fields or not! *gives an aghast look*

Oh my goodness. I seriously am in big trouble. I honestly do not intend to waste anyone's time (i.e. the teachers) for writing my testimonials due to my procrastination. =( My habit got a little bit too far this time. I nearly cried just now as I was quite certain this scholarship will not be secured since it was nearly 2 p.m. when my mom left to mail the form via UPS which closes at that time.

My mom told me that she had to argue with a UPS employee as there was no flight to Singapore until Tuesday. So that means my application form will fail to reach the Singaporean Ministry of Education on time, and I'll be so doomed! Instant rejection, I can already imagine! =(

Thankfully, my mom was given DHL's telephone number and thank God, the last delivery to the airport was at 3.30 p.m. =D. She quickly filled everything up and the delivery was done by DHL, even though this means my mom has to fork out US$16.00 to pay the delivery charges. I'm rather embarrassed to say this, but money wasn't the issue at the moment, as long as it reaches Singapore safe and sound by Monday, 16th of April 2007!



So far so good, but I pray hard that it will reach there on time. It's been a while since I last prayed... =\

Never again will I ever take deadlines for granted, thinking that "Oh, it can be postponed!". Maybe my school teachers will allow that, but I don't think serious business like this do entertain that. That is why deadlines were established in the first place! I am ashamed of my actions. It brought me considerable trouble, not only to me, but to my mom and teachers.

What more, procrastination nearly ruined my future! =O

What's the story behind the procrastination that sparked this drama I hate to experience again?

My reason sounds rather embarrassing and very illogical. =( I was simply perplexed with the whole CCAs testimonial process. I wasn't quite sure who to turn to, who to ask. In fact, I hate asking these sort of questions. I find it really awkward. To tell you the truth, I strive to not let anyone know that I'm applying for this scholarship, but of course that's kind of impossible.

There are reasons for keeping that as a secret. One is due to my pseudo-kiasuism nature (I do not want people, especially my rivals, to apply for this too once they know I'm applying and make the competition stiff *sigh*) and another reason is because I dislike people questioning why or to know about this. I don't know, I feel really uncomfortable if people know that. I prefer doing things quietly and letting them know when the time is right, whenever it is. At least I can retreat silently if I fail to get it.

They're mostly personal, and maybe a deep-rooted yet non-existent reasons cultivated in my character which drives me to keep my mouth shut and say "Mom's the word". I tried to force myself to tell the relevant parties about it but I just don't know whom to approach. It wasn't until I read Mona Lisa's blog where she stated that she is going to apply for the scholarship as well (Yay?). So I e-mailed her and she replied that I have to get the teachers to write it for me. I'm quite surprised why my school does not keep records like these for the students. Maybe they do, but it's out of the student's limits...

After MUCH hesitation (my heartbeat rate increases when I try to approach my form teacher to ask about this matter, so I never asked =( ), I finally asked my form teacher (well, the deadline was looming closer!) where to obtain it and she said that she has to write it. Everything pretty much went downhill from there.

I know my fears are irrational. Even I myself don't understand what and why I'm worried. If it weren't for them, I would have handed up the application form eons ago!

All in all, I'm glad that everything somehow turned up alright but I know that is no cause for celebration. My application form has to pass the "panel of judges". If it can't, well, that's it. Sayonara to education in Singapore. I guess I can understand why since at the end of the day, it was all my fault for messing things up. *choke* I don't want it to happen, even though I will know it was my procrastination and fear which leads me to my failure. I really did not have to courage to speak out my desires. Maybe due to potential embarrassment, maybe due to fear, maybe I disliked troubling people... =(

I wonder in amazement how I still "did not really learn the lesson" after countless cases of troubles procrastination has led me to. Am I waiting for my procrastination to bring catastrophe into my life and add the prefix in- to my sanity?

Despite all these, I want to be given a chance to go to Singapore to be educated and receive valuable experiences. I hope... I pray... Amen.

[+] There's more!

I do not understand why this feeling must arise at my last high school years. Why must the previous teachers last year resign from the school and abandon us lost, naive students alone at the mercy of incompetent teachers? I do not look forward to self-study sessions but since these circumstances leave me no choice, I guess I have to begin doing so.

I enjoyed doing Chemistry and Malay. Note the past tense. I am very discontent with the way I was taught these two subjects. I begin with Chemistry. Last year, I found the study of Chemistry highly intriguing; the way how n=G/Mr formula works, periodic table, redox reactions, acids and bases, elements and compounds. It was quite fun working these out.

Come this year. When I first knew my Chemistry teacher has been swapped, I could have smacked my hand against my forehead. I learned from comments made by various students that he isn't a very good Chemistry teacher. I shook negative thoughts aside and dismissed them as rumours. I reasoned that the students simply did not pay attention in class, so they are scapegoating the teacher.

Forward a few months, and here I am today, struggling badly to comprehend the complexities of my Chemistry textbook. Bombastic terms like endothermic, exothermic, inert electrode etc. attacked me. It was not too bad at the beginning since the syllabus was rather tame. From electrolysis onwards, everything ran downhill. I cannot understand the logic behind it. The explanation offered by the teacher was too vague.

As my insatiable curiosity at these new knowledge is eating me away, I fired questions that is relevant to the topics and I wasn't looking for an advanced answer. A simple and brief explanation would suffice since knowledge of the topics at a higher-level knowledge isn't required. I feel sad when he wasn't able to answer or he misunderstood my question and rambled random answers. His explanation of "It's very complicated; you don't need to know at this level" is a shoddy excuse, in my honest opinion. It just goes on to prove that he himself do not know the subject matter very well.

There wasn't much I can do. I only sat there and stared in horror at my teacher who quickly resumed his teaching. Putting my trust with that teacher is not a wise move. When that happens, I get angry and rebellious (which I'm normally not) with the teacher. I do not want to say this, but deep down, I feel he is not fit to be a teacher, if even a question like mine baffles him.

To make matters worse, his class is like a zoo gone loose. He cannot control the discipline of the students at all! People talking loudly without being considerate towards other students is a common sight. Many of my friends have begun picking up a novel and read underneath their desks while the lessons are being conducted. I wished I could join them but I forced myself not to and tried in vain to make sense of his disjointed and fragmented explanations. I noticed that some of the questions I asked were important points which need to be addressed to the whole class. He will have "forgotten" if I hadn't raise them. =(

The Chemistry topics I'm at loss now is the calculation of the enthalpy change of endo- and exothermic reactions. The textbook did not elaborate much on this but there are quite a number of questions which prompts this topic. Nothing clicked in my head; I could only stare and stare at the question, half the time wondering what the question meant and how to attempt it.

I have to go online and search for answers. Unfortunately, answers did not came to me. =( I wished going to see him would be a great idea but knowing the blur him, I'm not too sure whether that will be a wise idea. I place my big doubt on his credibility of the subject matter, sorry to say that.

It's a shame to see my Chemistry knowledge to remain stagnant at a Year 10's level. I want to work on it and I am trying to. Reading the textbook does help a lot, but certain topics are still a blur to me.

I used to be doing quite well for Malay. Ever since a primary school Malay teacher began teaching us last year, I wasn't able to see myself demonstrating a higher level of Malay. Through gut feelings, I can in fact see my language level steeply dropping to a level similar to that of a Year 1 student. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but the drastic drop in my Malay fluency cries for urgent remedy and attention.

I'm bored of her lessons. The content that was taught to us was too low for our level standard. Maybe it's good for Year 7, but definitely not for Years 10 and 11. Why did she try to set the bar so low? I definitely wasn't mentally challenged and stimulated. I looked forward to vocabulary drills (fine, maybe I don't, but something similar and less harsher). I was really disappointed when all we did were recaps after recaps of what we did in junior high, and even elementary level! =O It felt like I was pushed down to Year 7!

When the work is not challenging enough and is good only for remedial lessons, I get frustrated and bored easily. I did not even bother reading up Malay novels, which I haven't done so properly for at least a year. I regretted stopping the reading. =( I have to suffer the consequences now. Shoddy essays written with vocabulary matching those of Year 5 or 6 with the essays not properly developed and expounded. This can be shown in my marks which are lower than most students, who usually "performed lower than me" (I know it's not the correct phrase, forgive me for using a bad substitution).

She is becoming worse this year. She wants us to do mind maps! *shriek* Mind maps?! No, definitely not for me. I write points in an organised form, not a forest of facts swarming around in the paper. I was really upset but I did not want to voice out my opinions. I was hoping that would be the last time of doing mind maps, but no! We were even asked to do mind maps of essays to be put on display at our classroom's notice board and the school's notice board. We did one again prior to doing our essay just this morning.

Oh my goodness! =O

Why mind maps? Can't they be made optional prior to writing out an essay? Heck, why do a 150 worded mind maps when a coherent essay can be written for 300+ words. For the sake of O Levels, mind maps are not required. I don't use mind maps at all! At the very least, I note down in point form the points I need to use beforehand, otherwise I write spontaneously. Not do a stupid mind map!

That sent me over the edge. Lessons which bore the hell out of me + doing pointless exercises which in no way do they contribute to refine our Malay = I give up (paying attention in class)! Of course, I slackened. I hate it! I dislike the teaching methods.

I find her "annoying" at times too, especially when she tries to apply "psychology methods" on us. I don't really get what she is trying to achieve here. Is she trying to scare us into doing our work by putting our assignment marks at stake? Maybe it works well on primary kids, but this scare tactic fails to scare many of my classmates. *sigh*

On the other hand, I'm glad that I accepted the Physics teacher as he is. He's not too bad compared to the two aforementioned teachers, even though the lessons may get slightly boring at times. His explanations were quite good though and I think that's enough already.

School suddenly seems unbearable with my dislike of two subjects. I wish I do not blame the teachers for this but I feel that the fault lies with them. Maybe it's my attitude which spurs me to give up my dependency on them (because of bad teaching) and do everything myself independently. Is it wrong to blame the teachers for everything? I don't think it is in my case... =S Maybe I should give them another chance and just accept their way of teaching to save my sanity and my grades...

The impending O Levels is looming closer. Why must this happen at this crucial time? =(

[+] There's more!

5 April 2007 - I hate taking breaks like this again. Unfortunately, there are many things to do in school as well as extra-curricular activities that I have participated and do. There are many things I want to blog about, such as jealousy, tutoring friends and sudden hatred bred towards some subjects. Time is not on my side and I'm sleep deprived (okay, so maybe 6 or 7 hours of sleep is sufficient for you, but not for me). Since there is no school tomorrow, I want to take that opportunity to catch up on my schoolwork and research purposes. Hopefully, I will see you guys soon!

21 February 2007 - Hey everyone! I hope you don't mind me taking a short break from the blogosphere because I need to settle my academic life and tackle my priorities. I definitely will be back as soon as they are done (probably a few days to a week). =)

I catch you guys later! =D

[+] There's more!

My brother committed a grave mistake. In his fury, he condemned a religion and its God in a tagboard at my other board. Fortunately, there were few responses to his tag, but it devastated me. How could my brother committed such idiotic and major sin of putting the damn on other people's religion? I know he did not purposely do it, but still....

I am so confused and lost in my own angry thoughts. I need sleep... I really hope this matter could be resolved tomorrow.

[+] There's more!

For the second time, my work played second fiddle. It was replaced by someone else's work which, in my (biased) opinion, lacks the interest and creativity. I feel that this is unfair on my part. Here I am in the magazine committee contributing virtually nothing to the creation of a mini-magazine (not the prefects' magazine below) and my work goes unappreciated. How? By dragging it to the Recycle Bin icon and replaced with a "professional-looking" cover page.

I know my skills in Adobe Photoshop is not as good as the Prefect Head's skills, but I myself knew that mine wasn't on the border of terror either. We were staying back many days to rush through this magazine as it was to be sent to the printer the next day. With a blur leader heading the committee, I'm not surprised that the sudden urgency of finishing this magazine as the due date approaches suddenly surfaced. The committee members (with one absent) together with the Prefect Head (a.k.a. Boss) put their hands together and made the best effort in finishing the magazine on time.

I requested the Boss that I will do on the cover, and she nodded her head. My colleague and I then brainstormed for ideas (taking nearly an hour) before we got it. I was pleased that the outcome of the brainstorm was an ingenious and nifty-looking front cover, very sure that it would intrigue anyone holding the little magazine on his hand.

I thought the Boss would like it as I felt it was a unique idea. I know you guys are wondering why show it to her instead of the committee leader? He was blur and he did not know what was going on and apparently the Boss adopted the position of the committee leader during that dire situation. In other words, it was understood that the committee leader was "simply there to signify his presence" while all the real managing was done by the Boss. The thing I don't understand was why the leader wasn't lectured by her to get things running! (If I were in his position last year, boy, I would be fried instantly.)

So I explained the conception of the image to her. She nodded her head and moved on to the editor-cum-designer who she taught to use Adobe Illustrator (I don't know whether it was the appropriate program, but it did the trick) and gave in her general input and ideas on the overall magazine design.

She helped to do parts of the magazine while the editor and I were busy twiddling with our respective tasks. The other one went home while the lax leader was frolicking about. Anyway, after some time, after getting some input from the Boss and the other committee members, I finished designing the cover (I thought it looked interesting).

To my utter disbelief, she HATED it! Her stupid critic eye scanned fervently for mistakes in my art, i.e. it looked too "informal" for a magazine, inappropriate photos, bad layout etc. I was slightly peeved off by her critical remarks but I kept my cool as I knew I won't be doing any good. She then apologised and told me that she can't help but be a perfectionist when it comes to art and hence, the need to be critical, further hinting how much better she could do.

Goodness gracious! It's the last moment, sister! There's no more time to be a 'Little Miss Perfectionist'. Wasn't mine at least decent enough to pass off as a front cover for the mini magazine? At it was nearly time for me to go home, I told her that I could redo it and send the file via e-mail or Windows Live Messenger or something. She reminded me that the file would too big and there wouldn't be ample time to send over and her later editing it. I forgot to asked her that I could send the JPEG file but I don't think she'll like it. I even offered to do it myself at home and pass her the file tomorrow. She didn't want that.

I did not relent and asked her whether I can be of anymore assistance to her. I honestly disliked not contributing at least something to the magazine and my front cover wasn't a good enough guarantee as she might create a totally new cover and dispose of mine. She told me that I gave all the helped needed and requested me to go. After few more minutes of persuading for work (I think I was a fool to do that, I don't think anyone asks for that!), she told me to help unplug her pen drive from my workstation.

I took her reactions as her hint and begrudgingly, I left the dark computer laboratory, leaving her alone in her solitude and let the creative juice possess her entire body and create beautiful computer art that even Leonardo da Vinci bows down his head in shame! I'm so sorry, but I offered to redo my work if needed. She stingingly told me not to worry about anything and that she can do it herself. HERSELF! I'm not surprised if she stayed up until 2 a.m. just to finish doing my cover and the whole magazine. I thought she asked for it.

Coming from a pseudo-perfectionist, perfectionists like her drive people insane! I don't get why she could not accept the committee members' imperfect work and maybe help modify their work if she "cannot stand it". I mean, I sacrificed my time just to help create the magazine even though we were in the midst of tests. I sincerely contributed my full attention and interest to create that "crap" and this is what I get in return? Shoving all my work away to make way for the best work just because it's too imperfect? I even got the opinions from my fellow colleagues and they said it was alright (don't know whether it was a white lie or not).

The Boss is also my friend as well, and I know she did not mean to imply this, but she insulted my work in a way. I don't like people insulting my work when I take the trouble to ensure that it is of a good quality and dedicating my time into doing the tasks thoroughly. I don't mind constructive criticisms though, at least I know which areas need to be addressed and improved.

Her actions make it seem the whole magazine thing was a one-man show; she did mostly everything (besides the editor's work). And I feel that my colleagues, including the leader, do not deserve the credits at all, especially me since I did virtually nothing! My work appeared no where in the magazine.

In other words, my work goes unappreciated. I feel that my existence at that day was not needed. I could have stayed at home and do something relaxing or study Chemistry and increase my chances of getting better grades. Unfortunately, I have to do this redundant job!

I wish I could say this is my first time experiencing it, but this is not. In fact last year, the same thing happened. It's like deja vu all over again! Last year, the scenario was this: I procrastinated my presentation during an inter-school visit and in the end did an okay-ish presentation which is decent enough to be presented. Sadly, I was bombarded for doing it at the last minute and from the moment onwards, I hated my other Boss. The "replacement" presentation, on the other hand, was worse than mine! Ohhh! During the inter-school visit, I was anxious and scared to see the replacement, and when everything was over, I felt like punching the Boss's face! He wasted my effort and energy put into my better presentation.

This is so frustrating! I hate these sort of things to happen. Looking at the mini magazine I have on the table now, I am tempted to steal a lighter and burn into ashes, and pound and grind the ashes into bitsy dust which are then sent to the incinerator.

*sigh* Leaders... So hard to please. To make matters worse, some enslave their subjects and subject them under his tyrannical control, and some simply do all the work for their subjects whose existence may very well be eradicated.

P.S. Sorry for the sarcasms in this blog post.

Anyway, to go off topic, I won't be around this weekend as I have to cross the border for an excursion. I'll be back blogging on Monday or Tuesday. *grin*

[+] There's more!

Hey everybody, a wild party is currently on the go at the cyber cruise and crew members are showing off their most ridiculous and wackiest hat they have ever owned. I thought everyone's hat was great. The only problem is, I don't own any sort of hat myself. I decided to savage hats on board which maybe a careless crew might drop, but no such luck! =(

I entered the gents' washroom and I was about to do my business inside when I caught something at the corner of my eye. And I thought, why not! Very quickly, I adopted them as my hat of the night and they sure are wacky. I call my new hat...



(Chap)Eau de Toilet(te) ;)

[+] There's more!

I remembered that I was tagged by TopChamp once upon a time. Whoops, I can't believe it took me a month to respond to the tag. As I am in need to define my goals clearly, I am going to take advantage of this Five Things Meme and list down the goals I need to achieve this year. Priority is given to the most important tasks I need to accomplish, of course. ;)

Five goals to set my eyes on:

1. Faithfully revise at the very least 1 subject a day. This is so much easier said than done. =( With the hectic schedules I will be having up the coming year, I don't think I can risk burning the midnight oil again. I shall prove to myself that I can do it for the upcoming mid-year examinations. I have a feeling I will surprise myself (good or bad). A subject a day keeps procrastination at bay. =D (My conscience thinking: "Right...")

2. Improve on my linguistic skills, especially Malay. To be honest, my Malay teacher isn't helping much to further refine my stuttering Malay. I can even feel my grip on the language loosening and the level of Malay slowly sinking into the never-ending abyss. I seriously need to pull my ropes together - by reading Malay novels 24/7 and have that big fat Malay dictionary nearby to look up for unfamiliar (and once familiar) words. Hopefully, when my active vocabulary list has build up to the standard level, I'll be able to handle this language much more eloquently. =\ Same goes to English, I am beginning to feel that the once-beautiful words I spontaneously learned are slowly becoming cliched with frequent use. Time to widen the vocabulary pool. The same applies to German too.

It's the vocabulary in each of these respective languages that is holding me back from expressing myself "eloquently". I have no problems with understanding the syntax of these languages. My vocabulary needs to be expanded!

3. Get the school prefects' magazine done. I need to tell my council members to get writing reports of the school activities that took place this year. I need to study more magazines to get a feel of how magazines are designed. Time to subscribe to Readers' Digest! *chuckles* Cancel the humour there, I do not want to think about the head of prefect to give a big thumbs down to our magazine and begin doing everything by herself. =(

4. Learn to use Macromedia Flash 8 and master it within 3 months for the sake of an inter-school computer competition. I think it will be fun, but the problem is my reluctance to learn new things (again!) and also the lethargy of committing myself into it seriously.

5. Lastly, to learn to manage my time well. Without this, my mission of realising my goals will evaporate just like that. I need to say no to temptation, say no to procrastination and like what Nike has said: "Just do it!"

This time, I'm not tagging anyone but if you are up for it, then be my guest and have a go at this meme. You can talk five things about any subject; it does not need to be about your goals. =)

There are so many things I want to blog but I procrastinated again just couldn't find the time and energy to do so. This was also supposed to be written a long time ago, so that I know where I stand and where am I supposed to head. I wish I could sleep now but I need to learn up something for tomorrow's Flash training. *sigh* So much for beauty sleep. I see you guys soon! *weak smile*

[+] There's more!

I'm sure everyone has heard of Rome, the beautiful capital of Italy filled with majestic history and was once the capital of ancient Roman civilization. This is definitely one stopover I am not going to miss! RennyBA is our tour guide for today and throughout the day, I will play some Italian music for everyone to listen and enjoy.

First off, let us sing the national anthem of Italy.



Playing: Il Canto degli Italiani



© Wikipedia.org

Some facts about Rome you should know before leaving the cruise ;):

• The capital of Italy
• Located in the central-western portion of the Italian peninsula
• 2.8 million residents residing in Rome!
• Italian is mainly spoken but English is also wide understood
• Famous for its Colosseum, one of the Seven Wonders of the World, as well as for its churches, architecture, food and football and many more (that's a lot!). This city is also famous for its history as it used to be the cradle of the Roman civilisation.
• Remember to convert your money into Euros ;)
• Don't forget to set your watches 2 hours after GMT. DST was recently implemented just hours ago.

© Wikipedia.org

I shall play out three songs for your enjoyment. If you would to request for more songs, do not hesitate to air your requests via comments below, and I'll gladly play it for you. =)

This is definitely one of my favourite baroque musics by none other than Antonio Vivaldi, the great Italian composer! Presenting the whole three movements of La Primavera (i.e. Allegro, Largo e Allegro) of the famous violin concertos, Le quattro stagioni. The speakers need to be turned up when playing this as some parts are played softly and cannot be heard properly.

Playing: La Primavera, by Antonio Vivaldi



This is a song I found off Youtube, and her voice is absolutely amazing! I never knew Italian can sound so bello.

Playing: Caruso, by Lara Fabian



I'm sure you guys have heard of Il Divo. I heard about them before but I wasn't too sure who they are. So I went online and did some research and to my surprise, they're a group of singers who sing songs in a few European languages, including Italian. I love this song I'm currently playing now; it's called Ti Amerò from their first album Il Divo.

Playing: Ti Amerò, by Il Divo



I think I shall hunt around the Internet for more of their songs! =D

Benvenuto in Italia, amici! Have loads of fun there. See you all later in the trip! =D Don't forget when you are in Rome, do as what the Romans do! ;)

[+] There's more!

Err... are you really at http://soliloguy.blogspot.com?

Yes, you are! Behold, the new face of this blog after spending so much time trying to migrate from old Blogger to the new one after three vain attempts. I finally did it at the last attempt! =D Of course, I used a Wordpress lookalike template from Gecko & Fly as the base of this template.

I cannot stand knowing the fact that I was unable to make full use of the new Blogger's features and widgets(which aren't so new anymore =P), like labels. Horray for organisation! It's too bad it's pretty time-consuming to add labels to my previous blog post. It's okay, I don't think there's a need to rush. ;)

As you can see here, I fully exploited made use of the cool new features. There's of course labels and an archive-cum-previous posts widget and I finally able to use the convenient GUI-interface provided by Blogger when modifying the page elements. No need to strain my eyes and seek for the correct section tediously!

Bobby's cool new widget called the Random Blog Button is now up at the NavBar above. I think it's a fabulous and nifty widget. ;)

As you are reading this, you probably notice smiley faces dotting all over my blog posts. It looks better now compared to text emoticons. Credits to Aditya Mukherjee for the script in adding emoticons. Thanks!

To the right of you is a picture of a shy kid (or rather, a toddler) holding a ten-gallon hat in front of his face. I thought it was rather apt for this blog (I'm talking more about the anonymity), plus it's also easier to vectorize it in Photoshop CS2. ;) Since this was my first experiment with vector art, I used a "rather simple" image from Getty Images and traced over it, vectorized and improvised the background a little bit to create a pseudo-cartoon character. Below is the original image:



It looks vastly different from the original one, and I'm quite happy with the output even though it's kind of tedious and time-consuming. I enjoyed doing it, though. =) If you want to learn this form of art, there are some pretty good tutorials over at Vexels.net. :)

Right below the cartoon kid are my awards. =) Scroll down a bit more and you'll see a new window which was not previously there, and they are the recent comments widget. You can even subscribe to the comments going on here. This is far by the most useful widget to me as sometimes I did not know a comment was left there in my previous blog posts until much, much later. =P Thanks to Ramani for sharing this cool widget.

And of course, there is the labels cloud where all the labels are clustered to form a cool looking "cloud". The code for it can be obtained from Phydeaux3.

These are not the only things I have changed. There are many more minor changes to this blog but I don't think they need a special mention. =P Oh, in case you guys missed it, I removed the Frappr map. I think it only slows down the download time of this site especially if you are a first-time visitor. Plus, I recently discovered that StatCounter does provide maps of where the visitors come from. Thanks guys for pinning your location onto that map. =) It's still online, you can still check it out. ;)

Anyway, I got to go now as it's getting very late over here. My eyelids are drooping... First off, apologies to Captain Lifecruiser for slacking off in my DJ-ing duties. Hehehehe! I was quite busy the past few days as I hung out with my friends and I had to do this template too. =P Don't worry, I'll be back first thing in the morning!

See you guys soon!

And yes, this is what I have busied myself with these past few days! *cheeky grin*

[+] There's more!

I finally plucked my courage and took the deep dive without caring for the world around me. The deadline to hand in the 'O' Level registration forms are looming closer and I simply had to do something. So I did. I went to see her, the Deputy Principal. After much discussion (or rather, a very pleasant informal conversation =) ), the outcome was this:

that frolicsome kid: "May I drop the subject?"
Deputy Principal: "Yes, you may."

Thank goodness she was able to see how much fifth formers have to juggle! Bless her! =D Even though admitting my mistake was the hardest step for me, she nodded her head in agreement and surprisingly, she was glad to hear that. She said that the school wanted me to achieve excellent results in my eight subjects, not to get mediocre results in nine. I think eight is more than enough; there's a lot more to life I want to see at this time. =)

Immediately stepping out of her office which I initially thought was claustrophobic and unwelcoming, I flew into a state of euphoria! My happiness and relief cannot be described in words, after all, it was as if a super big burden has been removed off me! Now I can finally concentrate and focus on my life and studies. I cannot believe this one big problem was a hindrance and a distraction in my life.

They say the first step is always the hardest. I agree. After overcoming it (i.e. fear), things can only get easier. =)

Now to settle up some other things, like handing up my O Levels registration form, completing my ASEAN scholarship form (yes, I was given the consent by my parents to try! =D), sending back the money order to the eBay buyer of which the sale of my item was unsuccessful since last month(charges incurred in banking in the cheque costs more than the book itself!), returning a book I borrowed last year (!) from my friend etc. Things are definitely looking up now! =)

[+] There's more!

Hi everyone! This is the DJ of the Lifecruiser cruise ermm...grooving? Hahaha! Anyway, the idea of having a cyber cruise was conceived by Mrs. Lifecruiser and I say it's a marvelous idea. I have a dream of traveling around the world when I grow up (and can afford to cough out cash which goes 'Ka-ching'!) and I can at least fulfill part of my dream by participating in the virtual tours given by the A-Team Cruisers.

Since I joined in a few days late (wow, I can't imagine a crew like me coming late for the cruise =P) as I need to settle a few things over here in the other side of the world, like spending a last minute time with my elder brother. Anyway, do you like to take part in this cruise, if you haven't already? Complimentary TITs (No! No what you think! ;) ) are given by Mrs. Lifecruiser herself simply by linking to her site, which is http://lifecruiser.com, then tell her about it by e-mailing her. That's it! You're now part of this wonderful cyber cruise which brings you to wonderful spots around the world, like today's Barcelona hosted by Maremagnum!

¡Hola señor y señorita! ¡Bienvenida a bordo! Mucho gusto. Translation: Hello guys! Welcome aboard! It's great to know you all.

I hope my Spanish is understandable. It's not too good since I have forgotten what little I have learned last (err...last last?) year. =P I need to rely on my trusted Lonely Planet phrasebook!


© Port de Barcelona

I'm currently at Port de Barcelona, now waiting for the Lifecruiser to berth at the port. Currently, it's 6.32 am in the morning at Barcelona and I'm feeling rather tired after flying all the way from Singapore where I transited from my country and after stopping over at Milan Malpensa Airport in Italy, and finally reached Aeroport de Barcelona after nearly 18 hours in flight. Whooo!!!

It is terribly expensive to charter a flight especially for me for this journey. Changi Airport officials weren't too happy about it, but I managed to bribe them with lots of money (LOL!) and their frowns turn into smiles. So, Mrs. Lifecruiser, you owe me $$$$$$! =P =P

It's too bad I couldn't see much of Barcelona from the taxi since I immediately dozed off after sitting on the cushion. Oh well, but at least I can see more of that later during the day! =D

Some information about Barcelona:

• The second largest city in Spain after Madrid.
• Located on the northeast coast of the Iberian Peninsula.
• 1,673,075 dwellers (as of 2006)
• Barcelonians speak Spanish and Catalan. They also can converse in English and French.
• Has many unique historic architecture and beaches and it is also a well-known tourist attraction in Europe (Hey, even S Club 7 and Cheetah Girls shot their films there!)
• Time over there: +1 GMT
  

© Wikipedia.org

Okay, enough about Barcelona. Maremagnum will later show us more of Barcelona! =D Now it's time to play some Spanish music! First of all, let us all sing the national anthem of Spain!



Playing: La Marcha Real
Source: Magun's Compass

Err... wait. There's no lyrics to La Marcha Real, Spain's national anthem! Surprise, surprise! Apparently, Spain is one of the few countries in the world whose national anthem has no official lyrics.

Let's spin out some more Spanish music: a traditional one and a contemporary one!

Playing: Flamenco


Flamenco is a genre of music in Spain which has the unique fast-paced rhythms and variable melodies which combined together gives an active mood and the urge to dance with this music. Yes, please make use of the Big Cruise Ball if your body begins to move with the music! Hahaha! =P I love the flamenco dancers (and especially their dresses! =O ). It gives the added grace to the music. =)

Playing: Aserejé


Listening to that song brings back a lot of memories. I remember how it was a big hit last time way back in 2002 and I love to try and imitate the famous Ketchup Dance on TV. Hahaha! Enjoy this song enjoyed by many!

If you guys want to request for more Spanish music, feel free to leave links to any Spanish music in your comments or if you would like me to upload it for you, be my guest and send me the music file via e-mail (my e-mail address is at the sidebar). Credits will be given to you (and the source of the music file, if any as well).

¡Hasta luego!. Enjoy the tour around Barcelona!

P.S. Tomorrow's destination will be (insert mystery town/city/port) over at Irish Church Lady. Yes, I'm sorry but I don't even know where it will be. That's why it's aptly called "mystery destination", lol! =P Check out the rest of the destinations this cyber cruise will anchor here.

[+] There's more!

I cannot believe it. It was only two hours ago that the aura of my brother's jubilance and his girlfriend's soothing and melodious voice filled the house. Now, it's slowly dissipating away. Time flies by too fast. Too fast...

It was quite painful to say goodbye at the airport, despite me desperately trying to coax you two to change your minds and stay here. One month has passed and I enjoyed hanging out with you guys very much. You two have spiced up the family and we shared many good times (and bad times =P).

I just want to apologise to you both for being rather moody this past few days prior to your departure. It's just good timing that insignificant negative vibes began to take its toll. But it was great to share some of the "burdens" I had with you, and thank you both for lending your ears and giving advices. At least I know where I stand now. =)

I long for the days when we just cruised around the towns in the Lexus car. Even though we didn't do anything "productive" =P, I had a blast talking to you guys in the car. I long for the humorous jokes you love to crack everytime. I miss talking to you.

I miss you a lot, big bro and sis. =(

Hopefully, in the blink of the eye, December will come and we will once again see you in Australia.

My heart sort of shattered and I felt like crying when the glass doors to the departure room closed, acting as the separator in our lives. I knew that we won't be seeing each other for quite some time. *sigh* As my family and I walked down the stairs to the arrival hall, it was packed with people and I remembered fondly how we were one of them, and how my family and I greeted you two with a big welcome hug on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

Despite our distance apart, you two will always be my brother...and also my "sister", as well as best of friends.

*sigh*

I hope to see you guys soon. Take good care of yourselves. All the best to you two in your lives...

[+] There's more!

I think it's time to shed some truth. I haven't been studying the last week, and the last. I took the break mainly because I wasn't in the mood the blog. As you can see, my blog posts weren't as exciting as last time's, as if life has been sucked out of me. I think that's kind of true. Ever since school has begun, I haven't been quite myself (except in school, where I can laugh out loud with friends). According to my brother, he said I'm two completely different persons during the school holidays and during school days. He said I'm more serious now than the last time when I visited him.

That's kind of true. I had to be serious as it's really a crucial year for me this year. Unfortunately, I have yet to be fully committed to my school work. All I have done this year is paying attention in most of my classes, go home and worry about how I should catch up on schoolwork. And instead of concentrating on my revision, I went instead to play on my PC! This recurs every single day, until the final days leading to my first tests.

Something went wrong. I didn't have the heart to study. My heart felt heavy everytime when I touched my textbooks that are 150 pages thick on average. The dreaded texts of nothing but knowledge that needs to be crammed into my brain which is reapplied later in exams.

I then begin to worry how I have to pick up my books to study. It's a must, no excuses. To shrug myself away from my problem, I went online and surf around the Internet. I don't even know what websites I have been surfing. Possibly my friends' blogs and unfortunately, none of you guys' blogs...and mine.

I haven't been blogging consistently and I am very aware of that fact. I took school as an excuse but it wasn't really school. All of a sudden, my heart isn't into blogging anymore (indirectly related to my worries that I should be studying). I just wanted to get away from the blogosphere as I'm quite exhausted from blogging and I encountered relentless blogger's (writer's) block. That explains why I haven't been commenting at or visited your sites. I just want to thank you guys so much for patiently waiting for my return. =)

Back to what I was saying. Lately, I begun to lurk around The Student Room forum where I can get to read first-hand experiences of senior students studying in sixth forms and universities in U.K. It was exciting to read their posts and I really look up to them as they are mostly pretty diligent students themselves. I kept imagining and telling myself that in a few years' time, I will be like them enjoying university life.

That is my dream, and dream is what I do. Act is what I don't.

I told myself, "Snap out of it! If you don't do anything to pull your socks up now, you're not going to end up in university. That's not the way to do it. Pick up your books and make them a reality!". So I did, and I groaned. It's simply too much. I was lazy and tired of studying. I just want to have eternal good things to befall on me, just like that. I know life isn't going to work out that way, sadly I just don't realise it.

I have this hobby of daydreaming about my future. It rather simple really: Do A-Levels and do my four or five subjects, move on to a British university and major in Biology and maybe minoring in Psychology or some other things (it keeps changing) and get a job. What job? I don't know...

Somehow, the idea of doing Psychology isn't very appealing to me anymore. Sure, I'd like to study it, but am I ready to be committed to its field for 30 odd years? Sounds like a long time to me. And thus, plans of my future is messed up. And I have to strive to think up of backup plans, bringing me back to The Student Room and other miscellaneous university and career websites.

I think I'm too young to think about all these things. I worry too much about my future and I have set my sights too far. I need to have short-term goals, like to get distinctions in my O Levels. Yet, I cannot help but be interested in what happens to me in 2 - 3 years time. I forgot that absolutely anything can happen. It's funny that these happens during periods of exams and tests.

Very, very ironic. =S

I smile at the perfect plan(s) I have created. I will be disappointed when all things go wrong.

Like now, when I'm supposed to be studying for my tests tomorrow. Yet, I am the least bothered to pick up my finger to revise thoroughly. Maybe later, I always tell myself, at 11 pm where I can rush through and cram all the required information into that petite brain of mine.

There I go again. Procrastinating, and taking things for granted.

Taking things for granted... Eerily, that phrase keeps popping out to me. In books I read, during Christian religious knowledge classes, my best friend... Someone up there is trying to tell me something. And I fail to heed to it.

I think it's my attitude which is the main problem here. Ignorance and taking things for granted is just "so me". =( Why am I waiting for someone to give me a kick in the rear and shake me profusely, yelling me to wake up and take a look at reality?

This is really weird.

I have yet to tell the Deputy Principal that I'm going to drop Sociology. Yes, I made up my mind, I'm dropping it, because I took things for granted, thinking that it's piss easy and I can do it. Apparently, I couldn't because I did not apply the effort to try. In short, I am just plain lazy and I procrastinated. Again.

And that is why I never dared to tell her. It was my mistake. I thank myself for being stupid in making such a haste decision. And that's not the only reason why...

This is going to be embarrassing. =( Another reason why I never approached is because of my friends! I don't want them to know anything about me taking an additional subject, and me dropping it again in the end. Indirectly, the taking of Sociology was the cause for me dropping Additional Maths. If my teacher finds out about this, she's not going to be happy and shake her head. I should have taken it as extra instead of Sociology which I can learn properly in A Levels.

I was too impatient to wait for two years and then to pick it up. Being the "smart" person I am, I took it up first, and because I couldn't bare to not take Geography (I love the subject, despite the sheer amount of things I need to remember =P), I dropped Additional Maths. No one knows the real reason why. It's just "inappropriate" for an academically sound student like me to drop such a subject which is considered stimulating enough for me. I sometimes regretted my own decisions in dropping Additional Maths. From what I heard from friends, the chapters following the very first chapter we learned last year was quite easy and "a walk in a park".

*sigh* I cannot believe choices like that can ricochet off many problems that comes with it. My choices of subjects were inadvertently affected by my main sole decision which is hasty, i.e. taking up of Sociology.

Subconsciously, I am quite troubled by that. Now, I need to inform of my decisions to the Deputy Principal as soon as possible before it's too late. I fear that she will inform my form teacher of my decision, and she will unintentionally announced it to the whole class, with my friends shooting me questions that I couldn't really answer.

If that happens, I will honestly be in deep shit and there wouldn't be any way of dropping it without dying of embarrassment. =S

One haste decision, so many consequences. Is that what life is all about?

Due to that very reason, I kept thinking about it subconsciously and I will retaliate in horror with the sheer mention of the words "Sociology", "extra subject", "9th subject", "Additional Maths" and even "GCE O Levels". You can see my face going pale and I suddenly acting nervous and trembling. It's that bad seeing that it sparked off phobias after phobias, worries after worries, fears after fears...

I honestly want to turn back time and undo what I have done. A part of me don't want that, because I don't want to go through the hassles I have been through last year. *frowns*

I need to do something about it, fast! Yet I'm held back by fear. I'm really scared...

On the other hand, I saw an advertisement in the local newspaper about the ASEAN scholarship to study in Singapore for A Levels. I'd love to get hold of it, unfortunately that scholarship will present problems if I do get hold of it.

• Subjects I would love to take up for A Levels, i.e. Sociology and Psychology, aren't offered by the MOE, let alone the schools themselves.
• I can't choose my school.
• I'm not ready to leave home.
• From what I heard, the students over there are fiercely competitive and scary when it comes to education. So is life there.
• There's CCAs to attend to besides school and that will take up a lot of time.
• 7 subjects to do instead of 4, with 3 compulsory ones which I do not fancy doing.
• I won't get to choose the schools myself.
• I don't think I can cope with it.

On the other hand, the education in Singapore is rigorous and high in quality, thus securing my future. Not only that, but the busy life I will have over there will present me the opportunity to practice time management and to eradicate my problems of procrastination. Also, I will gain more life experiences.

Again, decisions, decisions, decisions. It's either I get hold of the scholarship and study for free in Singapore, or I stay home and go to a local sixth form public school where I can get "free education" from the government (since I'm a local).

This time, I'm determined to not make any mistakes again. Once has been enough to making my life a misery. =( I got until April 2 to respond, and during this short period, I need to ponder about it.

For the time being, I need to forget about it and concentrate on tomorrow's subjects. They're way more crucial! =P

To end this, it's my attitude which is the problem. Now, I need to change it by hook or by crook for the better. To benefit me not only now, but for the rest of my life. Commitments. It's so hard to make. And it comes hand in hand with determination.

The only problem is how.

I feel so much better now after heaving this off my chest! I hope you guys don't find it too weird - I need to be honest with myself. Thank you guys for reading, and once again, I apologise for my absence from this part of the blogosphere. =)

[+] There's more!

Oh my goodness, I can't believe carelessness kills (or rather, embarrasses me!). What happened was that, I commented on this blog post on a particular person's blog who studies in my school and I gave a too honest comment which is very embarrassing. Due to that, I put down my name as Anonymous. I typed out my comment and I published it.

Little did I know I have forgotten to remove my other blog URL (which was saved by the cookie when I last commented with Haloscan on my friends' sites)... And I can't do anything about it because the comments were powered by HaloScan and there is no button at all to delete comments.

So great! I'm anonymous, but my anonymity will soon be unmasked anyway. The blogger can quickly deduce who I am quickly. Either that, or a "friend" who loves to insult me will point it out to the blogger. That's just great.

I am so worried that I'll be severely humiliated. =( I can't believe I even wanted to comment on the blog! I was supposed to be a lurker, not an active reader! Besides, I don't really like the blogger myself (I don't even know the blogger personally even though I see the blogger around) and in no way will I want to even get to know her (sorry!).

Why must I even say things in such a wrong way? When my comment becomes a sensation among my friends and students in the school, I am so never stepping into my school AGAIN! >=(

And that's just great because now I will have to worry about this instead of my Grade 7 music theory exam which is tomorrow (and of which I tried miserably to study thoroughly - I am worried how am I going to pass it)!

This is so not my day...

P.S. Sorry for decline in blogging activity. I try to blog as and when it is possible. *weak smile*

[+] There's more!

I'm so happy to see my elder brother and his girlfriend back again! Time really flies by fast! I remember hugging them goodbye during the last week of December 2006 back at the airport. Boy, I can't believe I'm seeing him again.

I love Chinese New Year because this means that my elder brother will join our family again to celebrate this auspicious festivity. It also means another time to start afresh again. I'm determined to make the best start as possible. Now, if only my motivation and spirits are not dampened that fast... =P

One thing this festivity bugs me is that my house is opened for people to visit every year! Swarms of people, i.e. relatives, acquaintances, friends and colleagues will flock over to visit. I find it pretty scary to go down to the living room and confront so many people sitting there, laughing and having a good time. And I don't know many of them. =S I remember people looking at my way everytime when I come down the stairs. I feel so self-conscious when the eyes kept staring at my way. =S

People, especially my parents' friends, who see me will be shrieking, "Oh! Look how tall you have grown!" or "Hey, is this your son? So big already!". Man, I feel so embarrassed to be complimented that way, lol!

My mom says letting people to come over to my house brings good luck. I guess I have to bear with it. After all, I'll be compensated with lots of red packets (and a chance to show off my new clothes). Hahahaha! (No, that frolicsome kid! Don't have such selfish thoughts. >=P)

Hmmm... Have you guys ever wondered how Chinese New Year came about? My Dad told us this story last night and I remembered hearing that on Disney Channel:

A long time ago in China, a grotesque and horrible monster always came to haunt the villagers on the eve of the New Year. Oddly enough, this monster is called 年(nián - which also means "year" in Chinese!). The people were upset that this monster kept appearing to hurt them every year. One day, when Nian came again, it confronted a red colour in one of the villager's house and it became frightened because it was afraid of red (that is why Chinese wear red during Chinese New Year ;) ). Then suddenly, a lightning striked and the monster howled with fear. The villagers then discovered the monster's weakness so they ensured that they put something red in front of their house and make loud banging noises during the eve of the Chinese New Year.

Soon, this legend then became a tradition of the Chinese. When firecrackers were invented by the Chinese, they adopt that method to chase out the old year and welcome the New Year. So if you guys heard firecrackers last night, you now know why. =P

In case you guys haven't noticed, Chinese New Year falls on a different day every year. This is because it is based on the lunar year, not the Gregorian calendar. =) (I don't know how it works though.) And this festival is also called Spring Festival.

This Chinese New Year falls on a pig year. It's like each year is represented by a different animal, which we call the zodiacs (pretty similar to the Western Astrology). Legends of how the 12 animal cycles came about can be found here.

Anyway guys, I got to go now. I will be back soon to blog more. =P If you know any Chinese friends who opens their house during the 15 days of the Chinese New Year celebrations, feel free to pay them a visit and observe the celebrations first hand. I guarantee you find it interesting. ;) So, I'll leave you all with this and...

I want to wish you guys Gong Xi Fa Chai; have a healthy and prosperous New Year to everyone! =D

[+] There's more!

Due to school-related stuffs, I was unable to blog the last week. =( I am utterly exhausted from having to do important assignments and schooling six days a week (despite our school hours running from 7 am to about 1 pm). Yesterday, I was rushing through my Commonwealth Essay as the deadline was today (and I barely met it) and because it was done at the eleventh hour, it turned out looking like a shoddy and sloppy piece of essay. =( The topics were quite hard this year and I think that is one of the main causes why I procrastinated.

Thus, I wrote it half-heartedly as I ran out of fresh ideas. It was horribly standardized and I doubt the judges would even read past the first paragraph before tossing it into the bin. *sigh*

Two days before the deadline, I was struggling to brainstorm out ideas for my essay. It took many hours later for me to decide to switch to another topic. I was unsure of the facts itself, therefore I failed to deliver my opinions. So instead, I wrote another topic which to my utter disappointment was not done well. Nevertheless, I am glad that I managed to shove this essay away from me. *weak smile*

While I was writing, I was loathing to my best friend the obstacles I had to overcome (i.e. my procrastination). I think I typed more words in our online chats than in my essay. =\ I can't believe I wasted so many precious hours just moaning and groaning to him how arduous my work was!

After I finally concluded my visit to one of my friend's blog, I suddenly entered panic mode and cold, harsh reality sank in. I had an essay to write, and I was faced with a blank document, except for the few paragraphs. It was pretty discouraging. Yes, I know I was a NaNoWriMo participant and 1500 words is "pretty easy" to manage.

I thought so too. I was overconfident. And that overconfidence brought my downfall, once again.

I began ranting to him how much I was strayed off track and I poured my disturbed emotions over him. I feel sorry for him having to bear my incessant rants. =( I am thankful that he can still manage to drill reality into my head. Thanks man, I really need that! =)

Like how I pathetically wrote 2 paragraphs in 3 hours. And he knowing that I find thrill in doing work at the last hour. They're all true and I don't deny it. Okay, I did but we knew it's true! =P Your sarcasm sure bites, mister! And they bite hard! =O (And I needed this shock therapy once in a while or rather everytime, lol!)

Then I began to get serious about my attitude. Sure, I may finish my essay minutes before my English teacher steps into class. Unfortunately if that continues, I'm not going to lead a very successful life.

I know this might sound really shocking, but I have this conceived belief that life is like a fairytale. I'm serious! It sounds childish but I hold onto that thought! I always feel that whatever I do, it will have a happy ending. If the ending is not happy, then it's not quite the end yet. Besides, isn't that what most stories in novels and movies are like - happy endings which will move me to tears or make me go "Yes!"?

It's rather ironic that I did not even try to put in the effort myself. I do things half-heartedly if it isn't to my desire. I loathe work. I dislike doing it. I rather do things that matter most to me (i.e. nothing at all!). The funny thing is, I like work as well, in the sense that it keeps me occupied and giving me a sense of purpose. In other words, I shun and love it!

Over-optimism is what I call it. Then at certain times, I can feel over-pessimistic. =S

To put it simply, I treated life like a fairytale and I think that belief is very self-damaging. Guess the advice I was given by this best friend of mine? =)

I never thought of it that way. Now that he had mentioned it, I pondered about it since I like to write (and end with a happy ending). He then took the words out of my mouth by saying that I feel as though whatever things I do will turn out well in the end. The weird thing is that many, many times the work I have done always turn out well and it further strengthens my belief. Self-damaging success? =S

Does that mean I am waiting for failure now? Maybe... There's that part of me that yearns for failure and once I have experienced it, it will be like a shock therapy and I will change for the better. So far, the failures in my life have yet to affect me? =S I don't know, I don't get it myself. I don't learn from mistakes? Or must be mistakes be so grave and profound that it will affect my mind, body and spirit?

Our conversation ended with these three important values that I will always remember for life:

1. Set goals
2. Prioritize
3. And most importantly, to take things that matter seriously

I failed to do any of these three... But I really must try my best to uphold these characteristics in order to be successful. Even one of my teachers explained about these to us in class.

I admit, I have read a lot of books on how to succeed in life. They are fun to read and they always motivate me. I never applied them though...

Maybe it's high time that I should.

......

I am really thankful that I have such a good friend in life who tries to give me a push in times of need. Especially at this crucial year where I'll be sitting for that important GCE 'O' Levels exam in November.

*sigh* It's time to begin... Screw procrastination and laziness; may these two demons go back to hell, lol! >=)

On the other hand, maybe I was slightly disturbed by the thought that I have yet to tell the Deputy Principal about me wanting to drop Sociology... I don't know why I hesitated to confront her. Why am I so afraid of telling her about my confirmed decision?


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Let's talk about my Valentine's Day. I thought it was a rather ordinary day, except very overrated and exaggerated. Ugh~ People get lovey-dovey and mushy-gushy at this one day of the year and what about the rest of the 364 days? And oh my, how commercialised has it been especially in this 21st century!

That wasn't what St. Valentine's Day was originally intended for. Our Christian Religious Knowledge teacher explained to us about its origins, and it was then only I realised how beautiful the story behind really was.

So much have changed over those years. (Fine, maybe I'm a bit biased towards this because I'm single and I have no "proper" girlfriend. But hey, I can always shower my love 365 days, not on that one day out of so many days! =P)

Despite my dull feelings towards that day, I want to wish everyone here a Happy (belated) Valentine's Day, and I want to thank you for the friendships we have formed. I thank you guys for coming here to this blog and took your time to know me; it was a pleasure to know you guys as well. Thank you, and all of you will always have this special spot in my heart. =)

Lots of love! =D

[+] There's more!