My friend cheerily invited me to join her and some friends for salsa class. I was like, wow, seriously? I love to try out salsa and it is also a good opportunity to try out something new and get out of my comfort zone. I was looking forward to a phone call from my mom (she's overseas for now) so that I could tell her all about the exciting news. And guess what? The mom I love(d) dampened my spirits. More than dampened. She insulted me and put me down by asking very rudely, "Why on earth are you pursuing a woman's hobby?"

I felt like I was slapped in the face. I defended myself by saying it will only be for six weeks, plus a few of my guy friends are joining as well, so I won't be the only miserable guy over there. She asked whether that is a ballroom dance or not. I agreed, and I was clinging on the hope that maybe she will let me join, because last time, our family loved to listening to karaoke romantic music and watching the couple ballroom dancing.

And she picked on my weak point and attacked my femininity/masculinity. She believes my masculinity will be jeopardized if I were to learn salsa. She strongly believes that men who dances are gay, i.e. implying that I am gay, and my guy friends who are joining salsa, gays. I flared up! It isn't justifiable! I wanted to shout at her and knock on her head for being really stupid. I mean, in the 21st century, gender stereotypes are falling already. And she believes men into dancing are gay? Oh, GET A GRIP, MOM! Haven't you heard of hip hop dancing (which my little brother wants to do)? Or maybe dancing in rave parties? That's not gay at all. People are having fun, and that's the important thing.

Why don't you want me to at least try out salsa and have fun, mom? Why are you so insecure about my, erm, "manliness" when I am perfectly fine with myself? Sure, I know I'm different from most guys, and I may be a bit feminine, but I can't change myself. It's who I am, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. I just want to try it out and spend some time with friends, that is all! I have never done that before, and this is one of those opportunities which I can easily get. But thanks to you, it's now gone, and not only that, you've delivered a deadly blow to my self-esteem. Thanks so much!

What image of me you conjured in your mind, can you please destroy it? I'm sorry, I just cannot meet your "expectations" of me anymore! You cannot interfere with my life anymore. If I am not dependent on you financially, I will, and I so will, take life into my own hands and do whatever I want with it. That is what I am doing now, and the CAS element of IB is giving me THE perfect excuse to stretch myself and get out of my "bubble". I'm sick, and tired, of being the nerdy nerdy nerd! I want a life. I NEED A LIFE!

And I can't be bothered talking to you or my dad about anything else because you don't respect the activities which will define me. And you think by learning salsa, I turn gay. Sure, I'm glad you gave me the consent to stop piano classes. I'm happy for that. Nevertheless, you shouldn't control the activities I want to join and manipulate me like a puppet. Oh yes, you can join others but not salsa because it makes men like you gay, weak and pathetic. She even mentioned she is disgusted by men dancing like gays. Er, no! Not all dance like that. You should have been glad that I am not signing up for pole dancing! -.-"

First, you slashed out at me for joining cooking class because cooking is for girls. You could not bear the thought of me joining yoga class, because "for men, it is too soft a sport". You wanted to question me about taking care of Dane, my autistic child, but when you hear the word "autistic", you kept quiet because you thought I was contributing to society. I dare not mention taking care of toddlers as well, otherwise you'd think I am training for motherhood.

I wanted to learn cooking because I want to be self-sufficient when I am in university, and maybe save you some money! I want to learn yoga because yoga is as close as getting flexible as gymnastics, and my country does not have any public gymnastics class. I want to take care of children because my friends suggested me to, and I want to interact with young people and learn to connect with them.

I do these things to benefit myself and be a balanced person with a life, not to prepare myself for a sex change. Do you get that? DO YOU GET THAT?

No wonder I don't tell my parents things. I'm glad for that. It saves me a lot of embarrassment, and wear and tear. Go figure!

[+] There's more!

I feel like I'm the luckiest man alive. I told my crush about my problems with my piano right now, and well, we just shared our piano horror stories and she told me why she is still doing it for the IB. She listened to my problems (and lame whines) attentively and she advised me on how to approach my piano teacher and tell her that I simply can do piano, at least for the time being. I'm just too overwhelmed by the sheer difficulty of Grade 8.

From there, I confessed to her my other "hidden" talents and skills (I don't usually tell people these, because I don't want them to expect too much from me). She told me hers as well, as well as a secret of hers - she suffered from depression and bipolar disorder. I was really shocked to hear that, because I always known her as Miss Smiley. Just right then, I want to hug her and comfort her, for being strong in going through such a difficult period.

We had a heart-to-heart conversation which I never have with anyone at all, except Princess Warrior. =P Seriously, I opened a bit of my inner self to her, and she did the same as well. And I realised, this is what real, close friends do. Not ask about shallow things like "How are you?" and that's it, or selfishly keeping secrets to yourself.

In a rare time like this, I feel liberated.

[+] There's more!

I'm going nowhere in Grade 8. My confidence in piano is non-existent. My self-esteem in music playing hits an all-time low. I can't even be bothered to practice anymore. I forgot most of my theory in music and thus, I doubt I can even pass Grade 8 Theory if I were to sit for it this November.

My piano teacher is so going to be torn into pieces if she were to know I want to give piano a break. She will be extremely disappointed and disgusted by my "rash decisions", and it will all be my fault.

The manuscripts of the exam pieces freak me out. Huge chords scare me. Sight-reading is extremely intimidating. There are too many black dots, too few rests and white space. I don't think I can handle Grade 8 anymore. I can't even satisfy the minimum requirements anymore.

I don't want to make music (as in instruments) a part of my life anymore. I want to lose that identity because it's no longer me. It feels like a foreign debris lodged into my soul. And the worse thing is I'm so "far" into music now, I am "not expected" to stop, and let everything go to waste.

I'm so sorry. =( I wished I could be better, but I'm not acting on my words. It just isn't my interest anymore. And I don't know how to put this forward to her, who has selflessly imparted to me musical skills for about a decade. I'm sorry, I really am. I don't want to hurt her feelings. And I don't know what to do now... I just can't go for piano lessons anymore.

[+] There's more!

So much things have happened over these past few days. On Monday, my mom and that hypocritical "bossy" friend have annoyed me to a point of no return, and my mood was extremely foul for that entire day. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Anyway, on a happier note, the CAS element of IB has given me a wonderful insight into children. Although I would have been exhausted after a really long day of school, I enjoyed playing with them! Seriously, they are so awesome. I'm quite proud of myself for being involved in their lives and enriching their childhood, especially the autistic kid I'm taking care of. Let's call him Dane. Last Friday, when Dane was going home, her mother confided with me about Dane's sad situation in his school.

As Dane's friend, I noticed that unlike other kids, he is extremely smart and he sees the world in an entirely different perspective compared to other kids. He is naturally inquisitive, and very chatty! =D It wasn't until my crush asked me whether he was a prodigy when his mother told me about Dane's high intelligence. I reflected on her words and realised that he could be one. However, his enthusiasm for knowledge scares off other kids his age, and his mom told me he was always bullied in school.

I flashed back and remembered the time when Dane told me he was bullied in his school. I didn't think too much about it (stupid me!) because I thought maybe his friends were just having a day of fun. I was a bit concerned, but I didn't raise that concern to his mom. Oh man, I am mad with myself for keeping quiet! >.<

Anyway, his mom on Friday confirmed that it is a recurring problem. Dane has no real friends in school at all, and I thought, how can children be so cruel to someone who is different? =( He did have a friend once, but he has since moved to our school. So his mom began to thank me for taking good care of Dane, because I was not only helping him to overcome his autism, I was also his only friend. I was in shock, because I thought Dane has a few friends in school.

She then told me that Dane was struggling in school. I looked at her with wide eyes and questioned that possibility. I mean, he was a very bright and chatty fellow when we were playing together in my school playground. From the way he spoke, he obviously was very intelligent. And I came to learn a shocking truth.

When Dane is "overwhelmed" (I forgot her exact words), his brain begins to shut down, and he is unable to complete his schoolwork for the whole day. And he will begin to act strangely and misbehave. And his teachers did not know how to deal with him. My interpretation is he was even ignored by his teachers, because they didn't know how to deal with him. I was steaming! How can they NOT KNOW how to handle him? They can't just ignore him, because his problems won't go away. She told me that out of 5 school days, he can only concentrate in school for 2 days. The rest... well, wasn't really productive.

I can't imagine the situation, because so far, Dane is just like any other nice kid, if you discount his peculiarities (which I really don't find peculiar at all). Off the top of my head, I can list some. As the playground is fenced, whenever the bouncy ball goes outside the playground, he begins to get uncomfortable and he requested me to bring the ball back in. And then, whenever he plays with the ball, he talks to the ball, asking it to come back. Despite my encouragement, he doesn't want to try the monkey bars. And of course, he doesn't make eye contact whenever he talks. His eyes wander everywhere but my eyes.

And I'm not really bothered by those, actually. If I didn't know he is autistic, I could have mistaken him as an ordinary, bright kid.

Anyway, I probably couldn't understand the difficulties the teachers faced as well when dealing with Dane as he wasn't in his best, and I haven't seen him at his worse time too. So erm, yeah...

You know, when Dane's mother mentioned that I'm his only true friend, I cannot help but feel really happy and important too. I have never felt important before, and I was really touched by her words and Dane's sincerity whenever we meet and have fun. I mean, I never imagined myself to be important in anyone's life at all! I'm like, wow! =O =D It makes me really happy, because I have at least a real purpose to exist. To make someone's life better. =)

Making a difference. I like it... Wow!

Man, I so love Dane! =D


On another matter, I feel as days pass by, I am getting closer and closer to this wonderful girl who is my close friend in school. Let's call her Miss Klutzy! ;) Yeap, I really like Miss Klutzy. Like on Monday when I got angry with my mom, she calmed me down by saying that my mom was looking out for me, and she was just doing her job. And I'm like, why am I so blinded by anger as to not see more than just the nagging? She's sincere, she's nice, she's pretty, she's awkward and she is so far from the woman of my dreams. But her personality, oh my, I fell in love with it! So full of love and happiness. And for a few days when we chatted online, we found out that we have a lot of common in our teenage angsts. The thing being she experienced it first because she is about 2 years my senior.

At first, her age kind of bothered me. I always thought a couple is an older man with a younger woman (to compensate men's late maturity =P). As time passes, it didn't bother me anymore because love knows no boundaries. LOL! I just hope that somehow, we will be more than just friends. But I'm keeping things slow for now. I don't want to set myself up for another disappointment, yet!

I have to stop here. It's getting late, and I have not finished my Theory of Knowledge assignment on writing a Maths poetry. Maths isn't my strong calibre, and I have zero interest in Maths. Not to mention our current Maths substitute teacher is bad beyond bad. I start to despise Maths now. I want our Maths teacher back. Never mind that she have just given birth! =P Hahaha!


Anyway, Model United Nations conference is coming up this weekend. I am extremely excited! =D I have prepared everything except tackling the flaws in my resolution, writing a speech supporting my resolution and printing out my online resources. I can't wait! However, I have difficulty countering points of information people shoot me. And I fear them because I always give illogical answers. I always answer in broken English because of my nervousness. *embarrassed* And thanks to nervousness, my brain conveniently decides to shut down, and I start to lose control. =( And the last time I participated in this, participants have been extremely mean and hypercritical. It was so depressing, because they don't even give a newcomer a chance to recuperate. =S

[+] There's more!

He swung by after school when she was taking care of toddlers, and he asked my friend out. Just like that, her dreams came true. I am extremely disappointed because it so happened I could not be there today because I had to attend a scholarship briefing (which was really boring by the way. I do not intend to apply for it because I am content with where I am now.). Arghhh! I am extremely frustrated that I missed the only opportunity to see love blossoming between two teenagers.

I am so happy for her because all this was, she had difficulty overcoming her shyness to talk to him, and she was hating herself for that. And then, he came and asked her out! Oh my gosh! It is like a fairytale! I simply couldn't believe what she typed in Windows Live Messenger. I'm like, no way! =D

As much as I am happy for her, I am a little bit jealous also. Hey, why isn't this happening to me? I like this girl and yet, I keep telling myself I need to take things slowly. Plus, she is erm... 2 years my senior. It's kind of weird, but all the same, it feels so right. I've been hanging out with her most of the time, and I have this hunch (no, I eavesdropped) that people in my year are gossiping that we are going out together, when we are not.

It's so confusing, and I really want to tell this to someone. But I still trust no one in my new school, except for her. I wish someone could understand the situation I am in. I busted Valentine's Day big time by not sending her candies. Oh, guess what? I didn't receive any gifts from anyone during Valentine's Day. Something went wrong with the delivery, lol! My friend also confessed she exaggerated the "secret admirer" part. I was quite let down that day.

Sometimes, I just want to sit down at the bench in a quiet park, and just hold her hands.

As she frequently speaks Mandarin, and her English needs a lot of polishing, I challenged her to speak only English throughout the whole day (except during her Mandarin lessons). I really hope she won't slip. If she is successful, I'll buy her lunch. =) If she is successful, I will give her a friendly hug and whisper into her ears, "I like you. You did it. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you." I want to make it a triumphant moment for her, so that she can always remember the day. =)

Okay, I seriously need to stop daydreaming. And I realised my writing generally has became more and more disjointed and incoherent. =(

Well, it's late. I need to sleep so that my brain is able to process thoughts during the early morning TOK lessons.

[+] There's more!