So much things have happened over these past few days. On Monday, my mom and that hypocritical "bossy" friend have annoyed me to a point of no return, and my mood was extremely foul for that entire day. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Anyway, on a happier note, the CAS element of IB has given me a wonderful insight into children. Although I would have been exhausted after a really long day of school, I enjoyed playing with them! Seriously, they are so awesome. I'm quite proud of myself for being involved in their lives and enriching their childhood, especially the autistic kid I'm taking care of. Let's call him Dane. Last Friday, when Dane was going home, her mother confided with me about Dane's sad situation in his school.

As Dane's friend, I noticed that unlike other kids, he is extremely smart and he sees the world in an entirely different perspective compared to other kids. He is naturally inquisitive, and very chatty! =D It wasn't until my crush asked me whether he was a prodigy when his mother told me about Dane's high intelligence. I reflected on her words and realised that he could be one. However, his enthusiasm for knowledge scares off other kids his age, and his mom told me he was always bullied in school.

I flashed back and remembered the time when Dane told me he was bullied in his school. I didn't think too much about it (stupid me!) because I thought maybe his friends were just having a day of fun. I was a bit concerned, but I didn't raise that concern to his mom. Oh man, I am mad with myself for keeping quiet! >.<

Anyway, his mom on Friday confirmed that it is a recurring problem. Dane has no real friends in school at all, and I thought, how can children be so cruel to someone who is different? =( He did have a friend once, but he has since moved to our school. So his mom began to thank me for taking good care of Dane, because I was not only helping him to overcome his autism, I was also his only friend. I was in shock, because I thought Dane has a few friends in school.

She then told me that Dane was struggling in school. I looked at her with wide eyes and questioned that possibility. I mean, he was a very bright and chatty fellow when we were playing together in my school playground. From the way he spoke, he obviously was very intelligent. And I came to learn a shocking truth.

When Dane is "overwhelmed" (I forgot her exact words), his brain begins to shut down, and he is unable to complete his schoolwork for the whole day. And he will begin to act strangely and misbehave. And his teachers did not know how to deal with him. My interpretation is he was even ignored by his teachers, because they didn't know how to deal with him. I was steaming! How can they NOT KNOW how to handle him? They can't just ignore him, because his problems won't go away. She told me that out of 5 school days, he can only concentrate in school for 2 days. The rest... well, wasn't really productive.

I can't imagine the situation, because so far, Dane is just like any other nice kid, if you discount his peculiarities (which I really don't find peculiar at all). Off the top of my head, I can list some. As the playground is fenced, whenever the bouncy ball goes outside the playground, he begins to get uncomfortable and he requested me to bring the ball back in. And then, whenever he plays with the ball, he talks to the ball, asking it to come back. Despite my encouragement, he doesn't want to try the monkey bars. And of course, he doesn't make eye contact whenever he talks. His eyes wander everywhere but my eyes.

And I'm not really bothered by those, actually. If I didn't know he is autistic, I could have mistaken him as an ordinary, bright kid.

Anyway, I probably couldn't understand the difficulties the teachers faced as well when dealing with Dane as he wasn't in his best, and I haven't seen him at his worse time too. So erm, yeah...

You know, when Dane's mother mentioned that I'm his only true friend, I cannot help but feel really happy and important too. I have never felt important before, and I was really touched by her words and Dane's sincerity whenever we meet and have fun. I mean, I never imagined myself to be important in anyone's life at all! I'm like, wow! =O =D It makes me really happy, because I have at least a real purpose to exist. To make someone's life better. =)

Making a difference. I like it... Wow!

Man, I so love Dane! =D


On another matter, I feel as days pass by, I am getting closer and closer to this wonderful girl who is my close friend in school. Let's call her Miss Klutzy! ;) Yeap, I really like Miss Klutzy. Like on Monday when I got angry with my mom, she calmed me down by saying that my mom was looking out for me, and she was just doing her job. And I'm like, why am I so blinded by anger as to not see more than just the nagging? She's sincere, she's nice, she's pretty, she's awkward and she is so far from the woman of my dreams. But her personality, oh my, I fell in love with it! So full of love and happiness. And for a few days when we chatted online, we found out that we have a lot of common in our teenage angsts. The thing being she experienced it first because she is about 2 years my senior.

At first, her age kind of bothered me. I always thought a couple is an older man with a younger woman (to compensate men's late maturity =P). As time passes, it didn't bother me anymore because love knows no boundaries. LOL! I just hope that somehow, we will be more than just friends. But I'm keeping things slow for now. I don't want to set myself up for another disappointment, yet!

I have to stop here. It's getting late, and I have not finished my Theory of Knowledge assignment on writing a Maths poetry. Maths isn't my strong calibre, and I have zero interest in Maths. Not to mention our current Maths substitute teacher is bad beyond bad. I start to despise Maths now. I want our Maths teacher back. Never mind that she have just given birth! =P Hahaha!


Anyway, Model United Nations conference is coming up this weekend. I am extremely excited! =D I have prepared everything except tackling the flaws in my resolution, writing a speech supporting my resolution and printing out my online resources. I can't wait! However, I have difficulty countering points of information people shoot me. And I fear them because I always give illogical answers. I always answer in broken English because of my nervousness. *embarrassed* And thanks to nervousness, my brain conveniently decides to shut down, and I start to lose control. =( And the last time I participated in this, participants have been extremely mean and hypercritical. It was so depressing, because they don't even give a newcomer a chance to recuperate. =S

[+] There's more!

He swung by after school when she was taking care of toddlers, and he asked my friend out. Just like that, her dreams came true. I am extremely disappointed because it so happened I could not be there today because I had to attend a scholarship briefing (which was really boring by the way. I do not intend to apply for it because I am content with where I am now.). Arghhh! I am extremely frustrated that I missed the only opportunity to see love blossoming between two teenagers.

I am so happy for her because all this was, she had difficulty overcoming her shyness to talk to him, and she was hating herself for that. And then, he came and asked her out! Oh my gosh! It is like a fairytale! I simply couldn't believe what she typed in Windows Live Messenger. I'm like, no way! =D

As much as I am happy for her, I am a little bit jealous also. Hey, why isn't this happening to me? I like this girl and yet, I keep telling myself I need to take things slowly. Plus, she is erm... 2 years my senior. It's kind of weird, but all the same, it feels so right. I've been hanging out with her most of the time, and I have this hunch (no, I eavesdropped) that people in my year are gossiping that we are going out together, when we are not.

It's so confusing, and I really want to tell this to someone. But I still trust no one in my new school, except for her. I wish someone could understand the situation I am in. I busted Valentine's Day big time by not sending her candies. Oh, guess what? I didn't receive any gifts from anyone during Valentine's Day. Something went wrong with the delivery, lol! My friend also confessed she exaggerated the "secret admirer" part. I was quite let down that day.

Sometimes, I just want to sit down at the bench in a quiet park, and just hold her hands.

As she frequently speaks Mandarin, and her English needs a lot of polishing, I challenged her to speak only English throughout the whole day (except during her Mandarin lessons). I really hope she won't slip. If she is successful, I'll buy her lunch. =) If she is successful, I will give her a friendly hug and whisper into her ears, "I like you. You did it. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you." I want to make it a triumphant moment for her, so that she can always remember the day. =)

Okay, I seriously need to stop daydreaming. And I realised my writing generally has became more and more disjointed and incoherent. =(

Well, it's late. I need to sleep so that my brain is able to process thoughts during the early morning TOK lessons.

[+] There's more!

I am so behind my Geography and Malay classes. I have most of the population chapter to cover (which took the bulk of Term 1 to complete), and I have ten thousand Malay novels to read. And oh, there's piano too. My practices are rare and always on the day before the class. Then again, what's so surprising about that?

I have this nagging feeling when I'm behind work. It's annoying and it puts an unnecessary strain on my life.

[+] There's more!

During lunchbreak, out of the blue, a friend told me that a secret admirer has sent me US$0.50 worth of chocolates which will be delivered to me early morning on Valentine's Day. I was shocked, and extremely ecstatic! Someone in my new school actually like me? =O

That is the best thing to have ever happened to me! My crazy dream actually came true! =D

Oh gosh. I cannot wait for Valentine's Day! Fine, I know how overrated that day is, and February 14 should never be celebrated. And how lovers are making too much of a fuss on this day. After knowing this, I've changed my belief. =P

I hope she sent me them. I really hope it will be her. But I don't think it is her since she didn't know how much they cost. Maybe it's her.

I feel bad to be a Don Juan and fancying two girls at the same time. =(

Ahhh! Two more days!

I just hope that friend isn't making a mountain out of a molehill. I really hope it isn't just a friendly gesture from a friend.

[+] There's more!

I am on the verge of breaking down because heaps of work are pilling up, I'm looking out for excuses to procrastinate, I feel uninspired, I feel demotivated. I feel tired! So tired of school... =(

And homework just keep coming in, like low-energy waves where the swash is stronger than the backwash. My writing skills ironically becomes unpolished and stilted. Writing suddenly doesn't feel natural anymore. It's actually something which I want to take a break from! Oh God, what is becoming of me?

My English essay on A Doll's House is one of the worst essay I have ever crafted. I don't really know how to write a literature essay based on a certain theme. Do I actually have to reread the books (I did) and present my ideas in a chronological idea? I don't think that is how it is supposed to be correctly done.

And I call myself a reader. Shame, shame! =(

And then there are the topics on population in Geography which I am supposed to complete during the December holidays. My notebook is due on Monday, and I have not completed even half of the big assignment. I am so screwed...

And I'm starting to find myself understanding, yet not understanding, concepts in classes. An analogy to describe it is drowning in a sea of knowledge where you immerse yourself with knowledge, yet the more you know, the more you don't seem to know and suddenly, you fail to appreciate them and you suddenly become dumb. Do you get the picture?

Sixth form is dumb. And in those days, I thought it was one of the coolest thing which can happen to me. I never thought it would even be stressful. People think I'm breezing through because I am a boy genius. I am so not a genius. My IQ is just around 120 (according to a Facebook application). And I'm not breezing through, I'm suffering in hell! =( People can't seem to understand the difficulty I'm going through. Heck, I don't even understand myself too. =(

I just want to crawl in a corner and sit there dejectedly and watch as the world unfurls, without giving a damn to anything.

[+] There's more!